222 - Straight on Till Morning Part 3

*So….good luck surviving this, Henry! You and possibly Cinderella’s baby*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I sort of wanted to be drinking with Emma and Henry but she hasn’t replied back to my texts like she normally doesn’t do but I was hoping things would be different since it’s the end of the world and all…

 

Lacey: *Is jealous* You’d rather spend time with Emma instead of me?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Lacey, I’d rather spend time with the entire Charming family instead of you.

 

*Is spilled*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: My hand carved mahogany!

 

Lacey: Here, I’ll use this USELESS RAG to wipe it up.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: No! That’s my son’s baby blanket! I was hoping that Henry would find it clean and folded and in my dead hands and when he pried it from my corpse he would instantly know that he was a man now and it was time to start out on his own!

 

Lacey: That’s sort of gross.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: We have a weird and complicated relationship.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: WOMEN! Don’t understand anything!

Lacey: Men! Always such divas when you get alcohol everywhere.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute….I don’t WANT to die with Bellacey! She’s a horrible rushed character! I want to die with Belle!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Just wait a second Belle.

 

Lacey: When did you sweep that up?

*SYMBOLISM!*

*SUBTLETY!*

 

Lacey: Isn’t that the cup you had with your gone girlfriend?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, it took a lot for us to bring this cup into the world the way we did. Why don’t you drink from it?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Our lips used to touch it together….that’s not creepy at all, right?

 

Lacey: Yes.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: No, I’m pretty sure it’s not.

 

Lacey: Is that Gatorade?

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes, it’s the new special secret flavor.

 

Lacey: To life!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh….Lacey….

 

Lacey: Mmm! Minty! Though I have to say….I find it sketch that you’re not drinking too….

 

BelLacey: Whoa…what did you slip into this drink?

 

Belle: Oh hey Rumpel! Now you can find your son and I’ll be waiting here for you and-

 

Belle: WHAT AM I WEARING?!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Don’t freak out! I can explain! You lost your memory and then got a set of false ones and I sort of liked them because you look great in those sorts of clothes and now I feel all sort of guilty.

 

Belle: *Is crying* These heels hurt my feet!

 

*Are catching up for those that ship Rumbelle*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I know they hurt! Once I was like ‘Lacey, don’t those shoes hurt?’ and she was like…. ‘Shut up Rumpel, pour me another!”

 

Belle: You should’ve fought harder! This was a terrible plan!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Just one of Regina’s many crimes that she’ll get away with!

 

Belle: *Is sobbing* You shaved your scruff too!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I wanted to die knowing the world could see all this beauty!

 

Belle: We ARE gorgeous, aren’t we?

Rumpelstiltskin: I know! It’s so hard.

 

Belle: Also Bae died!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah that too…and Archie is hanging out with his NEW friends and isn’t hanging out with me because Lacey scared him away….

 

Charming: Hey everyone! I took something off Hook’s pants and I’m selling it starting at 300 bucks!

 

Emma: A MILLION DOLLARS!

 

Charming: Emma, you don’t have that kind of money.

Emma: You owe me 28 dollars’ worth of allowances and birthday and Christmas money….we can call ourselves even!

 

Charming: Well….okay I guess.

Hook: For one million, she can have the rest of me too!

Emma: *Is embarrassed* Hook….don’t say things like that in front of Archie!

 

Henry: So, where’s Regina?

 

Emma: Gonna die.

 

Henry: Wait, we can’t do that! We have to let everyone die if we can’t save her!

 

Jiminy: I think I’ll go find Rumpel for one last Call of Duty match…

Snow: Wait, I can’t miss out on my opportunity to be trite!

 

Emma: Oh god, she’s going to suggest we risk our one chance at living because she feels guilty about Cora! Everyone start talking as loud as possible so no one can hear her!

 

Charming: I’m in!

 

Henry: But if Regina dies, who will abuse me the way that she does so well?

 

Charming: Hook, would you please not hover?

Hook: But hovering over all the girls in the room is what I do!

Charming: You’re hovering over me!

 

Hook: No one will let me near Emma.

 

Emma: No Henry, this is our chance to live without the threat of being killed every time Regina switches sides! Okay? This is like her fifth turn and if don’t let her sacrifice herself now then we’re just setting yourself up for stupid moments when she turns again because….we didn’t give her the fluffiest pillow or something…

 

Snow: No! We can’t let her die!

 

Emma: Darn it! None of you talked loud enough!

 

Charming: I’ll get the boom box!

 

Jiminy: I stand beside Snow! Mostly because she has a knife and I’m closest and I have no idea what’s been going on since timeline wise I haven’t been around since like…. “The Outsider”

 

Emma: That’s it, if we die, we are SO breaking up.

 

Jiminy: The Charming’s have never led us wrong!

 

Snow: Emma, marry this man!

 

Emma: I’m pretty sure Momgret and Dadvid led you all wrong when they spared Regina and then didn’t follow through on their threats to kill her if she tried to hurt their loved ones and now we’re all going to die!

 

Snow: I killed Cora because it was easy at the time!

 

Charming: Huh?

 

Henry: This is going to be their argument?

 

Snow: I should’ve taken a harder road! We can’t build a future on Regina’s blood!

 

Henry: Mom, their insanity terrifies me!

Emma: This makes no sense! Manipulating Regina to kill Cora WAS an extremely hard thing to do! We’ve heard you whining about it for six episodes! Anything else would’ve been the ‘easy path’ What other options were there? You couldn’t let her live! There was no guarantee that you could restore her heart! And even if you did then Rumpelstiltskin would’ve died and we’d have two pissed off witches on our hands who aren’t stable! And there’s no guarantee that they’d have hugged and settled down somewhere because Cora and Regina both like power! And you only manipulated her to survive because she wouldn’t have let you leave that tomb when she caught you! So really, what other options were there? Was it a harder road for you or Rumpelstiltskin to die to spare the lives and feelings of the women that wanted us dead? So now you’re going to redeem yourself by throwing away our ONE CHANCE of survival because you feel bad that you did what was inevitable?

 

Emma: Seriously, this is war. You can’t be nice in war. Were you guys nice to the nameless faces you killed?

 

Emma: And we’re not ‘building our future on Regina’s blood’. Regina’s making a sacrifice! Just like you both did when you shoved me into a wardrobe so that I could defeat her! Just like Momgret did when she took the apple to save Dadvid’s life. So stop with this emotional manipulation because it’s stupid and ridiculous.

 

Snow: Oh honey, you just don’t understand my feelings about how I – nyeh nyeh Cora nyeh nyeh!

 

Emma: You’re all fricking insane! If we sacrifice the bean on the failsafe, then whose to say that it will even work? What if it still kills us or kills the world that it lands in? Okay, I’m going to end up dying too since I was born over there! Shouldn’t you care about the life of your daughter more than the woman that will turn again when the writers decide to play ‘flip flop’?
Hook: Posing!

 

Snow: But it’s what Henry wants too!

 

Emma: Henry is eleven years old and this is an adult decision!

 

Snow: Emma, stop trying to fight for the lives of the people who aren’t here for God’s sake! They don’t matter! What matters is Regina!

 

Snow: NOW GIMME THE BEAN!

 

Snow: Please.

 

Emma: Come and take it. I’m not about to leave my kid to grow up alone or die in the Maine woods because you feel bad about something you had to do.

 

Charming: I’ve changed my mind!

*Are all giving puppy eyes*

 

Emma: This is all of you ganging up on me and I really don’t like it.

 

Hook: *Grabs hand* I don’t either! Let’s run away together!

 

Emma: Hook! Twelve hours ago, you were going to help kill me! You don’t get any sympathy!

 

Hook: I sort want to live, thank you very much.

 

Emma: Oh, you’re against this? Well I’m for it then!

 

Hook: I’m not giving you the bean back.

 

Emma: Then we’ll attack you and take it away!

 

Hook: As long as you’re the first one, worse things have happened!

 

Emma: Oh, I’ll stand back and watch. I’ll make sure the dwarves are the first ones on top of you.

 

Emma: Especially Dopey because I don’t think he ever changes clothes!

 

Hook: Yeah…that’s not worth it.

 

Hook: Here….I still get that million, right?

 

Emma: Um….Killian…no.

 

Hook: Why are you doing this again?

 

Emma: Because Baelfire died and I feel guilty about that so to keep Henry from losing anyone else, I’m going to risk sacrificing EVERYONE else. Because that’s how this show’s logic works. Apparently the emotionally and mentally abusive psychopath that illegally adopted him is good enough to count as a ‘parent he can’t live without’ now.

 

Hook: You guys are really bending over backwards to justify all this.

 

Emma: Tell me about it.

 

Hook: ….

 

Hook: Wait! Bae died!?

 

Hook: POSING!

 

Smee: So Captain, about this Bae problem!

 

Hook: For God’s sakes, Smee, is your setting set to ‘nag’?

 

Smee: You told me to let you know whenever there is a danger to the ship and I’m doing that!

 

Hook: NOT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Hook: I swear, you’re like the Apple Device updates that don’t leave you alone and you only update to get rid of that stupid number!

 

Baelfire: WHAT DID YOU DO?! *Punches*

Hook: My scruff!

 

Hook: Wait! Wait! We won’t use him for bait just yet!

 

Hook: Now Bae, you’re going to have to be more specific because I do about 10-11 horrible things a day.

 

Baelfire: This is my mother’s picture! I found it on your desk that you just left out there all willy nilly!

 

Hook: Oh! Uh….um…awkward…so…can I have that back?

 

Baelfire: Maybe I’ll throw it overboard.

 

Hook: Please don’t, that was 15 bucks!

 

Baelfire: GET READY FOR A NEW TREAT, MERMAIDS!

 

*Flutters to the ground*

 

Baelfire: Oh….I feel silly

 

Hook: I didn’t kidnap your mom! We fell in love and decided to run off together!

 

Baelfire: Um…you could just be telling me that to make me like you better.

 

Hook: Your father was too much of a coward to tell you the truth!

 

Baelfire: At the time, my father THOUGHT that was the truth because of you! He didn’t find out the truth until after I was gone! And even then…telling your son that your mother didn’t love you enough to at least visit or say goodbye of some sort isn’t something you don’t do!

 

Hook: Oh stop! Milah regretted it; we talked about coming back for you and taking you with us when you were old enough!

 

Baelfire: I was fourteen when she showed back up and she didn’t even ask about me. It was dad who had to bring me up…and you were going to take me from my dad when I was old enough? That shows…remarkable unempthy towards how he would feel if she just stopped by one day all alive and wanted to take me away from him because she 'felt bad' she abandoned me

 

Hook: Shut up! I’m doing what I can to make her somewhat more likable.

 

Hook: Is it working?

 

Baelfire: No!

Hook: Thought not….

 

Hook: Look, just because I played a part in your family being torn apart and reduced your father to a quivering mess who believed he left his wife to be assaulted and murdered because he didn’t/couldn’t fight for her without dying doesn’t MEAN we can’t not be a family.

 

Baelfire: And that might’ve worked and all if you weren’t lying to me and using me this whole time!

 

Hook: Yeah…that was sort of a jerk thing to do too.

Smee: WAY TO WRECK IT, KILLIAN!

 

Baelfire: You tell him Smee!

 

Baelfire: All the adults in my life seem to betray me!

 

Hook: I didn’t betray you! I just…lied to you about a lot of important things is all!

 

Baelfire: I want off this ship!

 

Hook: Oh Bae, this ship is awesome! Also, where did we find you clothes?

 

Hook: Bae, don’t make me ground you in front of all these people!

 

Baelfire: You’re not my real dad! You can’t tell me what to do!

 

Baelfire: *Sobs*

 

Hook: I never thought my participation in the destruction of a family might hurt the kid that was thrown in the middle of it!

 

Emma: Darn it Henry! Stop!

Henry: No! I want to push her off the failsafe and see what happens!

 

Regina: What’s this?! You’re the LAST people I want to die with!

 

Henry: Hm. Feeling’s mutual

 

Regina: But you guys are supposed to feel sorry for me because I gave my life to save you all!

 

Snow: Just shut and keep standing there.

 

Emma: Oh…this is awkward….

 

Charming: What? Hook put in suggestive photos of himself?

 

Emma: Well yeah, but he replaced them with the bean!

 

Charming: OH….might’ve wanted to check that….

 

Hook: I feel like a doofus just holding this glittery thing.

 

Hook: Here I come AURORA! Or….Mulan…whichever one Philip didn’t choose.

 

Hook: Got your little stick and knapsack ready to run away, Bae?

 

Baelfire: Just drop me off anywhere.

 

Hook: I’m pretty sure the Lost Ones have Neverland covered. I doubt you’ll get far

 

Baelfire: Is that what they told you when you kept asking for development all season?

 

Hook: My lack of development his season is none of your business!

 

Hook: We could still be a family! A really awkward secret keeping family!

 

Hook: We could be the ‘Great Hair Family’

 

Baelfire: *Is not amused.

 

Hook: I could change for you!

 

Hook: …Eventually…but not anytime soon….

 

Baelfire: I’d rather father the person that the Peter Pan shadow is looking for than be with you!

 

Hook: *Lip quivers* I’ve never been rejected by anyone before!

 

Hook: *Voice breaks* I didn’t want to be your fake dad anyway!

 

Felix: I can’t believe he made us hang off the side for three hours!

 

Hook: Son, I’m sending you to live with your distant relatives.

 

Baelfire: You’re a horrible father! If you actually had kids, you’d probably sell them on EBay once they disappointed you!

 

Baelfire: And I never liked the way you threw open the doors and sang good morning to all of us and your cinnamon pancakes were disgusting!

 

Hook: Hey now, don’t be childish!

 

Felix: So…congratulations on having the foresight to see that Bae wouldn’t accept you, I guess…cause if he did then this would’ve been all sorts of awkward.

 

Hook: Could you NOT stand on the railing, you’ll damage the paint!

 

Felix: *Riverdances*

 

Felix: *Backflips*

 

Smee: Well that was neat.

Hook: Shut up, Smee or you’ll be joining him.

 

Baelfire: Thanks for my possible death, Hook!

 

Hook: Eh, I’m sure Milah won’t nag me about this when I go to sleep at night.

Smee: Is that sarcasm, captain?

Hook: No, she probably actually won’t.

 

*Well, it looks like Bae carved in what he thought about Hook before he left.*

 

Hook: Hmph! Any normal kid would accept me as their father in replacement of the father that raised him and I wouldn’t have had to sell them out!

 

Hook: Darn it, I can still see it.

 

Hook: Man, that was an awkward moment when I learned that that was a priceless heirloom that could’ve gotten me a hot princess for a wife and loads of money if I hadn’t carved into it…

 

Hook: Hm…I don’t like throwing these beans…and I do like Emma and I do like annoying Charming and Rumpel and I do like getting paid for another season so….