221 - Second Star to the Right Part 4

Emma: Regina’s alive?

Baelfire: Dangit!

 

Charming: Yeah, I offered to ‘help’ but using the gun to put her out of our misery, but Snow wouldn’t let me. I have to admire Greg. He did a spectacular set up.

 

Emma: Aw! It was Greg!

 

Baelfire: Take heart Emma. ‘Greg’ and ‘Tamara’ sound a lot alike…

 

Tamara: NO THEY DON”T!

Emma: Blunt force trauma!

 

Tamara: Now let’s talk about our relationship!

 

Baelfire: This is why I wanted a gun, EMMA!

 

Baelfire: Okay, so is this because you’re mad at me for having feelings about Emma….or because you’re secretly evil and have been working with Greg this whole time?

 

Baelfire: I want my ring back! We are so done!

 

Tamara: Well Bae, it’s your fault. You said that there could be no one alive that was a worse relation to you than your mom! I had no choice but to take you up on that challenge!

 

Baelfire: Well now you’re just as bad as my mom…and she makes Regina and Cora look like adequate mothers, so you KNOW that’s an insult!

 

Tamara: While we’re being honest, I never liked how you whined about me training for marathons!

 

Baelfire: *Puppy eyes* You got up at six in the morning! What’s there to like?!

 

Tamara: It takes a lot to have this slamming body!

 

Baelfire: Oh…I don’t even have to do anything with mine. I just sit there and wish I looked this good and it happens.

 

Tamara: That’s because YOUR METABOLSIM IS BETTER THAN MINE!

 

Tamara: *Shoots*

Baelfire: OW! My Chest/Shoulder/lung!

 

Baelfire: I fell on my wound!

 

Baelfire: Dangit Tamara, you made me bleed on my one jacket!

 

Baelfire: Um…not that…I mind…

 

Emma: Windmill karate chop!

Tamara: That’s not even a real move!

 

Tamara: The hair? We’re girl fighting?

 

Baelfire: I got my last wish!

 

Emma: Geez, Tamara, you weigh a ton!

 

*Is body slammed*

*Kept in because it’s an awesome moment*

 

Emma: Now Neal…let’s have a talk about your taste in women after me…

 

Tamara: Oh yeah! I have this! How come it wasn’t activated when I was being knocked around?

 

Emma: NOPE!

Baelfire: Emma, I’m totally sure you could’ve backed away from that.

 

Emma: Wow…I am NOT falling in there!

 

Tamara: THAT’S RIGHT! YOUR ARCHENEMY WON!

 

Tamara: Eh, I better go see what Greg is up to…hope Charming isn’t guarding the exit…

 

Baelfire: Emma, you always did manage to land in all spots of trouble

 

Emma: DIVEBOMB!

Baelfire: OUCH EMMA!

 

Emma: Thanks Baelfire, you are a pretty good landing cushion!

 

Emma: GAH!

 

Baelfire: Huh...I sort of forgot that happened last time…even though my arm still feels like it’s getting pulled out of it’s socket on a rainy day.

 

Emma: Yeah, I’m getting to know that feeling…

 

Emma: Hey! Don’t you go and ruin this for me again, okay? Jefferson’s taken, Archie’s hardly around anymore! Do you know what that means? I might have to break up with Archie and date either your dad or Hook! THOSE AREN’T GOOD CHOICES!

 

Emma: Now pull yourself up!

 

Baelfire: Emma, I think you’re pulling on the arm of the side that’s injured and so I’m in LOADS of pain right now!

 

Emma: Oh, you can whine when you fought a dragon! Bullet wounds are NOTHING>

 

Emma: You can’t die! I like you temporarily!

Emma’s Inner Monologue: I love you!

 

Baelfire: That’s a relief because I like you temporarily too and if I wasn’t engaged to Emma then I would’ve asked you to fight Ogres side by side with me forever! But you must let me go!

Baelfire’s Inner Monologue: I love you, I wanted to marry you, and this landing is going to HURT!

Emma: I’m going to let you go now…

 

Baelfire: WAIT!

 

Emma: What?

 

Baelfire: I had to brace myself…okay…I’m ready…

 

*Is falling*

 

*Flushes*

 

Emma: That wasn’t the sound I expected for that…

 

*Is a crater*

 

Emma: I forgot to ask him about his last will and testament.

 

Emma: And now his dad’s going to be mentally all over me again!

 

Greg: That body detector really came in handy. Or else I wouldn’t know exactly where to dig.

 

*Crunch*

Greg: Oh…I think I found him…

 

Greg: Hey, this looks like dad’s vest…but I’m sure it’s a coincidence….he did buy those things in bulk…

 

Greg: *Gaassppppp* The psychopath KILLED my father instead of just holding him hostage for 28 years?!

 

Regina: Zzzzz Destroy you all! Zzzzz

 

Blue Fairy: Unfortunately, it looks like she’ll pull through…

 

Blue Fairy: And her magic will be intact…which gets rid of a far more interesting storyline of watching Regina try to get through life without her powers.

 

Charming: Why can’t we just fairy bomb her right here so that she can’t use magic to hurt us or others anymore…

 

Emma: I’m fine, thanks for asking!

 

Charming: And just where have you been all day young lady?

 

Snow: Is that bedhead?

 

Emma: Oh crap! Neal’s dad is going to KIILL us!

 

Emma: And by the way, thanks for letting me know that you guys were okay while abandoning one enemy for another enemy.

 

Snow: Ooo, someone looks like she had a bad day.

 

*Is Neverland*

*Or the Lost Island*

 

Baelfire: WAIT! YOU’RE TAKING ME TO NEVERLAND?!

 

Shadow: Um…yeah you idiot…where do you think I was going to take you?

Baelfire: My sweet ninja moves will keep you from forcing me there! *Is trying karate chops

 

Baelfire: Oh wait! I have these matches! Luckily they did not fall out of my robe when I was flying through the air.

 

Shadow: Light?! I can’t summon a wind to blow that out!

 

Baelfire: AH! I’m falling a possible considerable distance! This water should be like concrete!

 

Shadow: Hm…the wind blew that match out pretty quickly; I should’ve been able to catch him before he hit the water.

 

Shadow: Oh well, going through the water is too hard. I hope for his sake that this doesn’t go back on his deal he originally set with me.

 

Shadow: Well, time to meet my Uncle Waldo the Wraith and my eight cousins for our play date.

 

*One Broken Neck later*

 

Smee: Yeah, that’ll go around his neck WONDERFULLY!

 

Baelfire: Uh…can someone catch me? This fall isn’t going to end well….

 

Baelfire: *SPLAT* Okay, never mind…

 

Baelfire: What’s going on?

 

Hook: Smee, we have to talk about the order of things and how it goes against every law of nature that the two handed deckhand is holding the lantern or…electric light (which makes no sense) while the CAPTAIN is hauling the catch in with one hand.

 

Baelfire: I think I’ve injured every bone in my body!

 

Hook: Oh shush! What’s a little drowning amongst crewmates?!

 

Baelfire: I’m beginning to regret not going to Neverland….

 

Charming: Well Emma…sometimes vortexes just pop up…and no matter what you do, we will all fall through the vortex of death and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

 

Emma: I don’t think that’s right, dad.

 

Charming: Oh…there was an actual vortex? I thought that was all metaphor….

 

Charming: Hm. Awkward…

 

Charming: Here, have a daddy/daughter moment or something...

 

Snow: I’m sitting as far away as I can…

Charming: I just don’t understand why you had to put her on MY side of the bed….on my favorite pillow!

 

Regina: You saved me?!

 

Snow: Yeah, like the four hundred times I’ve done so beforehand, so stop acting surprised.

 

Charming: So…you mucked up bad this time, didn’t you?

 

Regina: Well we’re in a world of hurt right now because Tamara and Greg are going to blow Storybrooke up before I had my chance to do it first!

 

Charming: Oh, another chance to kill us, why am I not surprised?

 

Regina: You were going to abandon me!

 

Charming: *Yawn* No we weren’t Regina, we were going to give you the choice of either going and answering for your crimes or staying here in the town you FORCED us in. Stop behaving like a little child and actually listen for once and get it right if you’re going to eavesdrop!

 

Tamara: So…rough day all around…

 

Greg: How’d the chick fight go?

 

Tamara: Oh, they’ll be scraping up bits of Emma and Neal from the walls since I totally beat them both down…

 

Greg: Um…Tamara, I’m flattered but the middle of the woods over my dad’s corpse isn’t the time for a marriage proposal.

 

Tamara: They want us to destroy the town.

 

Greg: Well how do they know how to destroy the town?

 

Tamara: They really don’t. They just said ‘hit it with something or whatever and see what happens’.

 

Regina: So, this is really awkward now that I have to fess up to it.

 

Snow: These actions are precisely why no one wants you around when we go home, Regina.

 

Charming: Our daughter just lost her love and here we are trying to clean up another one of your messes! Because God forbid we actually have a storyline that isn’t interrupted by “Regina pulls one of her stunts and we don’t get a proper resolution’

 

Snow: Do you really think that Henry’d just going to suddenly up and love you if you emotionally brutalize him like this?

Charming: Stockholm much?

 

Regina: Hey! Don’t talk about my favorite toy that way!

 

Tamara: I bet this will explode but GOOD!

 

Greg: *Is awed* Will there be a mushroom cloud?

 

Tamara: I don’t know. I’m hoping!

 

Greg: How does a weird gem have explosive properties…and why would you leave it in there with a pissy dragon if that’s the case?

 

Tamara: Greg, stop. Don’t you know that they probably made this up at the last minute to give this season a plot?

The End.

I’m a horrible person anyway, but it’s hard for me to feel bad for Regina when the Charmings wouldn’t give justice to Kurt and everyone else she’s hurt anyway.

Finale next week.