Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 220 - The Evil Queen Part 1

Hook: Um….guys…this isn’t funny…Helloooooooo…..Cora! If this is you, I can hear you breathing!

Hook: You guys painted smiley faces on my toenails?!

Hook: Wait…how did you get me up here?

Tamara: I’m still trying to figure out how I got you into a trailer from a storage unit on what looked like an active street of New York but then I remembered that it was New York and no one probably cared.

Hook: You guys took me away? Before I could build the world’s largest boat and stick that big iron lady on that island on the front!?

Hook: I was going to have so much fun!

Tamara: So…

Greg: This is the guy you want to work for us?

Hook: I have really big goals; I need one since I owned Rumpelstiltskin GOOD. Recognizing my ship is as big as ever seems like a worthy goal.

Hook: And who are you and how do you know so much about me?!

Tamara: Neal’s got a big yap.

Hook: I’m assuming you mean Baelfire since that sounds like Neal? He always did. He just barely got over his sea sickness before he came running over to me to tell me about his daddy issues.

Tamara: I barely made it past the first date!

Greg: Hey! Stop flirting you two!

Tamara: Let’s show you your goal….

Hook: No! I want to stay here!

Greg: Stop dragging your feet!

Hook: No! I liked my seat as far away from the edge as possible! I’ve had dates like this that didn’t end well!

Hook: Thanks guys for tying me down but giving me THIS much free rein with my arms.

Rumpelstiltskin: So…then I drove Emma and Henry out to the airport, right? And we took a ship back…but SOMEHOW my car is back in Storybrooke…I mean…did Emma and Bae go and get it or something?

Hook: Who is that hottie that he’s walking with?! Is she Belle’s wilder sister?!

Greg: You’re missing the point! He was mortal and you couldn’t kill him! We were mortal and you couldn’t take us! Wait…why are we asking you to work for us again?

*Look of a failure*

Greg: And I even have this spiffy hat and you don’t even have access to your ship anymore! I’m better than you.

Hook: You better watch it, Mr. Good News. I know where you sleep!

Tamara: And where is that?

Hook: A bed! Just like everyone else!

Tamara: When you’re done with your meltdown, we’ll tell you how we know to kill magical creatures!

Hook: But if this is a land without magic…how did you find enough magical creatures to test your equipment on to make sure it worked. ..

Hook: And why exactly do I keep trusting the people that tie me up, corner me, and stick their hands in my chest?!

Greg: How did they not get lost in that forest of body hair when they tried?

Hook: Oh, are you still talking?

Hook: Because I tuned you out as soon as I looked at you.

Greg: You can’t ignore me! I have a spiffy hat!

Hook: But I have hair.

Greg: You want to keep pushing me?

Tamara: Maybe I should just drop them both from the tower and handle this myself….

Regina: Riding completely uncovered….I guess I have X-ray vision or something so I don’t have to worry about archers hiding in the trees at all.

Berkley: Snow’s doing pretty okay for herself. I have a wife and nine kids and we have to live in a tent.

Murphy: And Regina wonders why no one likes her.

Berkley: It’s empty your majesty.

Regina: *Actual dialogue* Thank you Berkley, I can see that.

Regina: Snow White was hiding here and now she’s gone!

Berkley: Thank you, Regina. I can see that.

Regina: I’ll have none of your lip, Captain Obvious!

Berkley: Well sometimes it’s hard to tell with you! Usually we have to tell you things before you get a clue!

Regina: Get jobs, all of you!

Regina: Snow White murdered her father…my darling husband…

Regina: I loved him so much I could friggin’ puke.

Regina: And she did things…various things without asking my permission first.

Regina: and she…didn’t CLEAN HER ROOM!

*Crickets*

Regina: For this treason, she’s going to die. And if you tell me where she is, I’ll…I dunno; I won’t use your district for the Hunger Games or something…

*Crickets*

Berkley: I think the reason they’re not talking is because we stumbled onto Mute Village…

Regina: Even mutes can draw a picture!

Berkley: We took away their pencils so they couldn’t write complains about Rumpelstiltskin stealing their tongues for various things!

Regina: Come on people! I got dressed up for this! I would’ve gotten here in time but I spent that time pinning my rocking hat into place! And now you won’t buy my lies! That just irks me

Regina: Okay guys, no one’s buying my blatant lies. Someone suggest something!

Berkley: Maybe you could just threaten them…

Regina: Nah, bribery didn’t work, just kill them all.

Regina: I have the stench of poverty all over me, I'm going to go take a bath!

The Evil Queen Fisherman: Oh don’t linger on me, camera! Then everyone will know I’m important!

Charming: So…it’s just you and me here.

Snow: But is it?!
Charming: Let’s talk about our future plans in open public!

Snow: I’m not completely sure that’s a good idea…

Snow: Somehow I still believe that despite the kidnapping, obvious illegal adoption, attempted brainwashing, and mental and emotional abuse and dying thanks to her, Regina is still Henry’s mother and we should let her in on what we’re going to do!

Charming: Snow…she tried to kill us. A lot. Now I don’t know about you but Rumpelstiltskin’s already found the bean field and he chained himself up to them until we agreed to take him too but if we keep giving Regina second chances then she’s just going to keep trying to kill us every time she doesn’t get her way. She wanted Storybrooke so bad, I say we leave her.

Snow: Nyeh nyeh, Cora, nyeh nyeh….

Charming: Dear God, please don’t tell me that I have to keep hearing about this…

Charming: Either she stays here or she lives out the rest of her days in prison. I don’t know why I’m even suggesting this because she’ll just find a way out but I’m trying to make you happy…

Charming: I’m just saying that with everything she’s done, maybe it’s not a good idea to ask for her input…

The Evil Queen Fisherman: They won’t think to notice me creeping behind this pillar!

Regina: They want me to pay for my atrocities?! I can’t have that!

Regina: Bleh, I still smell like seafood.

Regina: *Is flapping her overcoat* Man, I need some air conditioning in this thing…

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s what happens when you steal my look!

Regina: Stop coming into my house all uninvited!

Regina: You come over and I find all my corsets gone afterwards!

Rumpelstiltskin: Except they were MY vests altered to be corsets and I’m taking them back!

Regina: You can’t prove that!

Rumpelstiltskin: Regina, don’t make my open handed slap you!

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean, I just want to strangle you sometimes!

Rumpelstiltskin: But I won’t! Because I feel nothing but warmth for my students!

Regina: Good! Because my giant safety pin necklace would cut your fingers off!

Rumpelstiltskin: So…heard about you slaughtering a village full of innocent people…you know, if you just hung around for a bit, I’m sure Snow would come back!

Regina: I’m a hero! They just don’t understand!

Rumpelstiltskin: So are the writers trying to make you look more sympathetic by making you look completely off your rocker now? Because last season, you didn’t seem to care that you were doing malicious things as long as you got Snow White. You didn’t seem to ever think you were the hero…

Regina: Rumpelstiltskin! Stop talking to the flowers! I’m over here!

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry…I just lost my good contacts during hide and seek with Jiminy. He’s almost forgiven me for friendship cheating on him with Jefferson.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is really happy* And we’ll be best buds again!

Regina: Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to have a friend….

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe if you quit slaughtering all of them once they take you off their friend profile on Facebook…

Rumpelstiltskin: Helloooo beautiful….sometimes Regina…I think I’m the only mistress for me….

Regina: Then why don’t you marry yourself if you’re so into your reflection.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is making faces in the mirror*

Rumpelstiltskin: What, I have broccoli in my teeth? I spoke for two hours at the Evil Being Seminar (Which you missed, Regina!) and no one told me! Embarrassing!

Regina: Uh…can we focus on me here, since that’s all who it’s about?

Regina: I Know! You can teach me to shape shift!

Rumpelstiltskin: It took your mom months to learn that spell! I don’t even know who taught her unless her engagement to your ever shrinking dad lasted months…which I sort of find unlikely given your grandfather’s want to secure his finances and financer as quickly as possible…

Rumpelstiltskin: Wouldn’t you rather learn how to turn yourself invisible until you can sneak up on her?

Regina: That’s practical! I can’t use that!

Regina: *Is jumping up and down* I want to learn a new spell now!

Rumpelstiltskin: No! I’m busy! Jiminy said we could try small steps with our friendship and he said we could go bowling!

Regina: Then you shape shift me!

Regina: Turn me into a little person so that I can climb up her clothes and stab her in the jugular!

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, if it’ll keep you from showing up at the bowling alley and annoying me! But you won’t have magic!

Regina: Just don’t turn me into a man, okay? I know your sense of humor and I don’t want to worry about where those parts would go when you turn me back…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Was going to do that and is now disappointed*

Rumpelstiltskin: But you also have to tell the Maraca girl at Don Juanito's to go out with me.

Regina: Why should I do that?

Rumpelstiltskin: Because I’m quite the catch and she doesn’t know something good if it came up to her and asked her out, obviously. Regina, do you think before you ask these questions?

Rumpelstiltskin: Because if I had to guess, I’d say you didn’t!

Rumpelstiltskin: And is that my hat?

Regina: No it’s not!

Rumpelstiltskin: Jefferson ran off with all my clothes and now I have to deal with YOU doing the same thing! This is why I don’t have villain sleepovers anymore!

Rumpelstiltskin: I think I’ll take the Maraca girl out dancing! *Is imitating*

Regina: Hm…I don’t feel different…

Regina: Except for the grime…and the smell…and the gross hair…

Rumpelstiltskin: Just look in the mirror! And don’t worry; you’re not the most attractive thing in the mirror because that’s me….

Regina: I-oh….new teeth, that’s weird…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is dancing in place* Hello Maraca girl!

Regina: Now they’ll love me!

Regina: Wait, I’ve never been a peasant before…

Regina: I have to be….POOR?!

Regina: Unsupervised! Just how I like you!

Henry: Which…considering the last time we met, makes NO SENSE.

Regina: Hm…this fence isn’t as snazzy as the one last episode but I suppose I’ll have to make due…

Regina: These are magic beans and everyone’s going to take you and leave me here!

Henry: How do I know you didn’t just summon those in an attempt to turn me against my family?

Regina: They’re trying to keep us from being together!

Henry: YES!

Regina: You’re so cute when you’re in evil mode. I can appreciate that. Which is why I think we should run away together and be mother and son without anyone else!

Henry: *Is bored* God, this again. I’m surprised you haven’t figured this out the last 40 times I’ve told you. I don’t want to be with you until you can atone.

Regina: I can atone! I can’t make any more people hurt if I activate the failsafe and kill them all!

Henry: Yeah, because there’s SUCH A THING!

Regina: There is! I invented it! I didn’t think I would use it…which…makes no sense. Why would I make something I would never think to use and where would I go for safety if I thought I needed to use it? I don’t think I had any way to get back to the Enchanted Forest until now…and I wasn’t even sure when I cast the curse that our world would still be there.

Regina: We can be heroes!

Henry: I’m sure this whole “I’m gonna kill EVERYONE” plan has backfired on you several times already, Regina. What makes you think I’d suddenly be okay with it now?

Regina: Oh don’t act like you wouldn’t wipe out everyone!

Henry: I can’t dominate everyone if they’re DEAD! Well I could, but it wouldn’t be as fun!

Henry: I mean…this obsession you have with being the only person in my life is unsettling. What were you going to do when I grew up and moved out?

Regina: Wait…you were going to grow up and move out?

Henry: Why would you even tell me this?!

Regina: Because I have no one else to talk to!

Henry: Why would you tell THEM this?

Regina: Why aren’t you happy that I want to slaughter all your loved ones?!

Henry: Maybe you’d have people to talk to if you didn’t join up with the woman that fake killed the only male role model I had for years! He went on a comedy tour to hide his pain but we all know he’s suffering!