Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 220

Regina: This is so much fun! I feel like Jasmine when she ran away in her movie! *Squees*

Booth Owner: Time to throw your balls at the queen’s face! Oh wait…that didn’t come out right…

Regina: Is that supposed to be the greatest queen who ever lived because um…that doesn’t even LOOK like me!

Booth Owner: It does so! Notice the fine hat and riding wear that my wife designed! And just like the queen, this effigy has her head hanging down in permanent wangst mode!

Regina: I don’t wwannnngggggsssssttttt! *Hangs head*

Regina: She’s your queen! And you should feel sorry for everything she’s suffered that justifies what she does to you on a daily basis!

*I hope the woman whose face she’s wearing never comes to this town*

Regina: Maybe she’d be good-ish of Snow would just jump off a cliff!

Booth Owner: My pimp hat and I are not amused.

Knife Thrower: Can I have my money back if she starts throwing knives? Because she is NOT with me.

Regina: The queen is the bossest matriarch of all and you should bow before me- Her!....and all of you stop making fun of me! I can see you imitating me!

Regina: And maybe I’ll just burn her down so that you can’t have her! No wait…I didn’t mean that….

Regina: Berkley! There you are! They were making fun of me! And you know how much I loathe being made fun of in such a tactless fashion!

Berkley: *I am assuming* Uh….what are you doing?

Regina: Okay, I know this looks bad but there is totally a logical explanation!

Rivers: I’ll say it is! You were going to burn down our evil queen effigy that we come to throw darts at when we’re pissed at her. Which is like every day!

Rivers: Wait…yeah, it’s still in one piece!

Regina: You guys don’t like me? I only flog you half as much as I flog everyone else!

Regina: This is treason! Surrender your big feathery helmet now!

Rivers: Keep threatening me with that needle. See where it gets you.

Berkley: Oh, she’s going to sew you to death!

Regina: I’m the queen! I’m just on a super-secret mission!

Regina: And if that won’t convince you…then I’ll persuade you with my grimy hair!

Regina: ….

Rivers: ….

Regina: I see you are convinced!

Regina: No, don’t worry! Don’t panic…I’ll take apologies either by age or by order of last name…

Regina: What on earth did Rumpelstiltskin do to my nails?

Regina: Hey! Don’t manhandle me! It’ll make me look sad and cry!

Regina: *Is looking sad* Oh beans…why won’t you grow faster?

Regina: They won’t think to look for the growing of the beans in such a public place! Although in hindsight, no one still knows about that vault I was hiding in….

Hook: Oh…no…sorry, I was looking for the bathroom…

Regina: Hooook, still rocking that overcoat I see….

Hook: Well…this will be pretty easy…and Greg said she was a steel trap…

Hook: *Ahem* It makes me look TALLER!

Regina: Do you think I could wear it real quick…not that I’m a FAN or anything…

Hook: Why do girls always want that? This coat has been on me for the past 28 years at least. I’m sure the sweat as pretty much solidified it to me…

Regina: Hey…wanna repopulate the Enchanted Forest?

Hook: I wouldn’t mind

Regina: Oooooo!

Hook: but Emma keeps telling me ‘No’.

Regina: Not with Emma! With me!

Hook: Yeahhhhh, I seem to remember our last meeting didn’t go so well…I was knocked out on the floor and left in a LIBRARY!

Hook: It hurt my feelings

Regina: *Is trying to look sincere* Sorry?

Hook: Okay, I forgive you. Let’s destroy Rumpelstiltskin!

Regina: Your obsession with Rumpelstiltskin is getting old; I don’t want you mentioning his name in front of our numerous children!

Hook: Wait….KIDS?! Who agreed to THAT?!

Hook: I mean…sure…as long as we name them all ‘Killian’.

Regina: I was at least going to name one boy and girl ‘Regino’ and ‘Regina’ respectively…

Hook: *Is looking at inappropriate things* Sure…whatever you say that lets me get you alone.

Hook: Although you should know that if you betray me, I will betray you back…

Regina: Well now you just cemented your own fate because now I’m totally going to do it since you said not to!

Hook: Also, I don’t trust that adopted son of yours, I think he’d smother me in my sleep…can my room have a lock

Hook: …or…six?

Regina: I learned the hard way that you need about 12 to keep him out of your room…

Regina: So…you gonna help me or not?

Hook: Well, you’re not Emma…but I guess you’ll have to do…I have a feeling that I would meet unfortunate ends if I asked her to repopulate the Enchanted Forest with me…

Regina: That’s good enough for me!

Hook: *Rolls eyes* Betraying her will be so easy.

Regina: What was that?

Hook: I-I-I said that watching an entire town get destroyed will make me queasy!

Regina: If you’re going to bend over, will you at least take your coat off so that I can admire the view?

Hook: Geez, spending eternity with AURORA would be better than this!

Tamara: Oh…um…I sort of ordered 35 pieces of french fries and I only got 34…this restaurant will not be receiving a good review from me!

Emma: GUTPUNCH!

Tamara: HWAHH!

Emma: Oh, my bad! I am so sorry! You should really look where you’re going Tamara! Anything could happen if you’re not looking where you’re going…

Emma: It would be a shame, I’m just saying…

Emma: Who types things on a paper big enough to be on a receipt?

Emma: You must be evil! *Is measuring her head for a good punt*

Tamara: So anyway…

Emma: *Immediately straightens up*

Tamara: So this town is really rocking. A just paid a fairy to do my hair for half the price I could do it in New York and she used magic to make it all perfect!

Emma: Meanwhile, I ask to get my curls back and they tell me to go be a savior…

Emma: Not that I’m bitter or anything….

Tamara: This town is so great, you’re so great, Neal is so great, Henry’s so great…

Tamara: *Happy lying smile*

Emma: Oh, that’s a lie…I’m going to sit here and wait till she breaks.

Tamara: *Is trying to hold on*

Emma: Ugh, don’t make that face again…

Tamara: Don’t worry! You can trust me!

Tamara: *Beams*

Emma: Tamara, this is what you look like…

Emma: Now how am I supposed to trust that?

Tamara: Oh you’re silly! *Skips off*

Emma: So, it’s taken me two episodes but I suspect that Tamara may be the 'she' that August was warning me about the day he died when she came into town.

Snow: SH! Not now Emma, mommy has a headache!

Emma: Why don’t you believe me about my inadequate power!

Snow: What did I just say?

Emma: What are you looking at?

Snow: Emma…are you…the ‘j’ word?

Emma: I am NOT jealous! Once I even photoshopped Neal with a bunch of other girls to check!

Emma: …

Emma: Okay, I can explain that one….

Snow: I can’t wait to hear it…

Emma: Oh stop. I seem to remember that your behavior was far worse than mine

Snow: We were cursed Emma! Stop bringing up my old behavior that I don’t endorse publicly!

Emma: Listen, I know how this goes! If Tamara is involved then it means Bae might be single and Henry will resort to horrible things to get rid of him and continue the epic romance that is Rumpel and me.

Snow: *Is mentally crying* Epic romance?

Emma: According to him! What are you getting at…?

Snow: Emma, you’re going to need more than a list and a guess to start arresting people! This is in no way a democracy but we can’t get all power hungry where people can notice!

Emma: You NEVER support me in what I want to do!

Snow: Well I can’t support you if you don’t make plans for the future, Emma!

Snow: Now, your father and I have to be off screen for a while, can you try not to screw things up while we’re gone?

Emma: Don’t make me scowl at you!

Snow: Don’t do that, Emma! I’ll tell your father when he gets home!

Emma: *Scowls*

Snow: *IS squirming* I have to go!

Henry: I heard everything!

Emma: I thought you were in the shower…even though Mary Momgret just said you were upstairs and the shower seems to be right there….

Henry: If Tamara’s evil then it must mean that Neal’s evil and so I can get rid of them in one swoop….

Emma: Henry! Neal’s innocent! Or he better be!

Henry: I’m gonna get the guns!

Emma: *Groans*

Regina: Hold the door open for me pirate!

Hook: Please don’t step on my foot! I’m already limping!

Hook: We’re standing on the spot where Belle knocked the book cart on me…and over there…is where she ran to hide…and over there is where you and your mother attached me…

Regina: Hey Hook; I can use magic to change which elevator music we’d have to listen to…

Hook: Isn’t this a two man job?

Regina: How on earth would you even know that?

Hook: I can play One Direction when we’re in there!

Hook: I heard enough of that in New York to know that I will NOT be enjoying this ride as much as I could be with other distractions…

*I like the corner seat…very nifty*

Hook: I was sort of hoping it’d be bigger on the inside…

Regina: Shut up Hook, we’re not THAT show!

Hook: Well then I don’t even know why I bothered coming!

Regina: I know what this is! This is festival time and I am not going to join your team for the four legged chicken kicking race! Even if me, my mom, and my dad were state champions!

Regina: Move out of my way, chickens! *Kicks*

Regina: I mean…do you remember when you and I went to the carnival and I made everyone get off the Ferris Wheel so that I could get on and I made you crank? Or Berkley…when we got on the hot air balloon ride and we had too much weight on so I dumped you off when I was sure you wouldn’t die and I got my hot air balloon ride!

Berkley: That hot air balloon would’ve lasted centuries with Regina blowing into it.

Regina: Oops, well my own idiocy has made a bungle of this! Time to go home!

Rivers: Owwww! Did the children’s archery corner get out of hand again?

*Jumps off roof, bounces off awning and kicks Berkley in the face*

Rivers: Save me! *Tries to run away*

Snow: I’m not a stunt double!

Regina: I’ll just me making my…exit…

Regina: Hey you over there…get over here and catch me…

Snow: *Is dancing*

Berkley: No! No, I can't beat that!

Snow: Bow flick!

Rivers: We’re trained guards!

Regina: Who wazzat?!

Snow: Oh FINALLY! I can see.

Snow: Your head’s intact! Good.

Regina: Your hair! It makes me…it makes me wanna…

Regina: *Faints*

*Is awkward*

Hook: Sorry about that whole thing with my boot…

Regina: Let’s just never speak of it again…

Regina: And now that little phone was watching us the whole time.

Hook: I said I was sorry!

Hook: I hope this is successful Regina. I got my hair all tousled up to win you over. Or anyone over for that matter. You know how I said I could count on one hand how many people bested me? Well apparently its’ a lot more. I just forgot them all due to the many concussions I have…

Hook: Do you mind if I just lean over and smell you for a bit? It’s been so long in these clothes that I forgot what a clean body smells like….

Regina: No.

Hook: Would you like me to tell you about the time I rode on a Kraken’s back?

Regina: I don’t.

Hook: *Is exasperated* Striking up a conversation to gain your trust shouldn’t be this hard!

Regina: What was that?

Hook: I said when we go over to the Enchanted Forest; I want a boat with a yard.

Regina: Hook, we’re living in a castle!

Hook: I call my ship my castle…

Regina: Hook, let me explain this to you…I wear the pants in this relationship; you’re just there to look pretty and make me a sandwich

Regina: And to manage Henry because I’ll get bored of him real quick now that I don’t have anyone to fight over about him and so I’ll just end up neglecting him again….

Hook: Well, should we get going then? *Pulls up arm of coat up to shoulder so that Regina will see the cuff eventually*

Regina: Hey! That’s mine!

Hook: No it’s not! Cora gave it to me. She was going to put it on herself too so that we were sort of married but then Emma put it on her wrist so that then we were sort of married and then we had all kinds of wacky adventures until I said something that made her realize I might betray her (which may or may not have been true) and then she left me and we’ve been sort of separated. Although now I think we might as well be divorced since she took it off.

Regina: Take it off. I want it.

Hook: Of all things to take off, it has to be this little bracelet? How do you even recognize this as your mom’s anyway? I’m sure a thousand others look just like it. Just call her in, she’ll tell you the same thing.