Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 219

Henry: Okay let’s see…*Counts candles* what’s up with you, grandpa? I’m ALREADY eleven!

Family: *Are squeeing*

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re my favorite grandson in the whole world! *Glomps*

Henry: I’m your only grandson! Or…I better be…

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t get that lip with me boy! *is trying to Vulcan nerve pinch on him* Where is it?!?!?!

Henry: So…I can have anything I want in this store, huh? Well, I think I want one of these wands so that I can turn my grandpa into someone that’s NOT a cheapskate?

Henry: Now, who wants to be turned into a toad first?!

*All slowly step back*

Rumpelstiltskin: You know…maybe you shouldn’t…touch that…with me in the room at least.

Rumpelstiltskin: Here Henry, I’m going to show you how to get an automatic sunroof for a ceiling.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh….crap….I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh relax! He’ll be fine! Just a…just a little deader than what he was before he got turned but…um…*Is awkward* happy birthday everybody!

Rumpelstiltskin: Get that shocked look off your face, Snow! This is in no way worse than the barracuda incident that happened on his 7^th birthday.

*Slips*

*Stumbles into Doll!Henry*

Rumpelstiltskin: OH CRAP! Do over! Do Over!

*Everyone stops to see Rumpelstiltskin in his pajamas*

Rumpelstiltskin: What a disturbingly horrible dream! I feel dirty! I feel ashamed! I feel unclean!

Rumpelstiltskin: I wish Emma was here

Baelfire: Stop trying to attack me, Henry! I just asked if you wanted to go on a picnic!

Henry: Leave my town!

Baelfire: AHHHHHHH!

Henry: DIE! DIE! DIE!

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe I did a little TOO well when I was influencing Henry growing up….

Regina: Oh geez, what’s with the constant supervision of Henry? I can’t kidnap him like I used to!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh go away!

Regina: Oh, those were the days….

Regina: And who is HE?!
Rumpelstiltskin: The short one? He’s your son. Geeez, Regina, if you have to ask that!

Baelfire: *Is stumbling backwards* No Henry, no!

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s the fruit of my loins sword fighting with the fruit of his loins which happens to be your adopted son!

Regina: *Didn’t want to imagine Rumpelstiltskin’s loins*

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t worry, Snow said you could use the kids table at the family reunion. I wanted to put you on the roof or…in the Sahara but...she whined about Cora and I got overruled.

Regina: I should be at the head of the table!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well fine, but it’ll be at the kid’s table. Henry’s already demanded that he sit at the head of the adults table. We all tried to overrule him but he glared at us. That kid’s creepy by the way. Luckily I get his right hand side. Bae gets to sit at your table so you get to rule over him. That Henry….

Regina: I just realized that you just told me you were Henry’s grandfather!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Giggles*

Rumpelstiltskin: And geez Regina, when you get screechy, I get a headache!

Regina: *Is fuming*

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t, Regina! Your face will freeze like that.

Regina: Hey! You were engaged to Emma!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* Don’t remind me! I had to give her up for my son’s happiness!

Regina: EWWWW!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh stop, I was just flirting with her to troll her anyway!*Doesn’t mean it*

Rumpelstiltskin: Although your relationship to Henry, and my relationship to Henry, does that mean I’ve inadvertently gotten a daughter out of this even though we’re not biologically related?

Regina: What?!

Regina: You creeper, you were watching your son and grandson play behind this shockingly red fence!

Rumpelstiltskin: Be quiet, Regina.

Regina: What, did you think an unmarked white van might not attract them?

Regina: They’ll never accept you, being evil and all!

Rumpelstiltskin: Regina, they tried to invite you to the diner after we tried killing them at the well. You’re still walking around free after you just tried to murder Snow and brainwash Henry. I think with everything I’ve done for the family…it shouldn’t be a problem.

Rumpelstiltskin: Besides, Emma’s dating Archie and I’m his best friend and so we all still hang out. What about your friends, Regina? Oh wait!

Regina: Just wait till I prove that you have a dark heart!

Rumpelstiltskin: Is that REALLY a good idea, Regina? Is it really? Because you do know that if I go completely evil again, I WILL take it out on you, right?

Regina: I can handle myself, grandpa!

Rumpelstiltskin: ‘Sort of’ daughter!

Regina: Oh gross! Don’t call me that!

Regina: *Runs away crying*

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t wait for her to realize completely that I had relations with her mom!

Not!Belle: Oh, it’s you…

*Rumpel curled his hair extra nice for the Belle visit it seems*

Not!Belle: Oh…the guy that kisses me when I sleep and cries outside my window every night that I was hoping was dead…wonderful…

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiii Belle!

Rumpelstiltskin: Did you get that nurse’s outfit sent you?!

Not!Belle: I did and I used it to try and escape but apparently the nurses here don’t wear clothes that tight and skimpy…

Not!Belle: And then Granny came in and took it from me and said that if you wanted it back, she’d be wearing it.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is disappointed* Yeah…that sounds like something she’d do…

Rumpelstiltskin: So…how goes that everyone telling you that you’re crazy thing?

Not!Belle: It’s fine! I’ve figured out that if I keep my mouth shut about what I say, I SHOULD be getting out of here sometime in the next five seasons.

Rumpelstiltskin: Forgot about you, did they?

Not!Belle: When they said I’d be a regular, I didn’t think it meant ‘regular absence’

Not!Belle: But I have an episode now, and it’s all mine!

Rumpelstiltskin: N-no Belle, today’s episode is about me and how you influenced me….and how I’m supposed to go down the dark side. You’re just the object for my motivation…

Not!Belle: This episode is about my unfailing belief in good contrasted with my double personality and how I adjust to this new world. It’s about me.

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is being condescending* Um….no Belle…I’m the one that regresses in this episode and starts back down the dark path.

Not!Belle: It’s mine because the bloody episode is named after ME!

*Makes childish face*

Rumpelstiltskin: ‘Cricket Games’ was a reference to Archie and it was BARELY about him!

Not!Belle: *Is exasperated*

Not!Belle: He’s not a regular anymore! I am!

Rumpelstiltskin: So was Red! Where is she?

Not!Belle: *Is sad*

Rumpelstiltskin: Now, let’s get you out of here and into my house!

Not!Belle: I just MET you!

Rumpelstiltskin: Those are the best kinds of relationships!

Not!Belle: You sly little devil you!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, my naughtiness is why you wanted all this in the first place…or healing me from it but I’ll ignore that.

Not!Belle: Will I get my own room?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh?

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle, that…wasn’t what I had in mind.

Not!Belle: Oh. I know.

*The mailman in that area HATES his job*

Rumpelstiltskin: You know…when you agreed to come work for me, I didn’t think you would snore QUITE so loudly!

Belle: WHAT did I tell you to do last time? *Imitates knocking*

Rumpelstiltskin: No! I will NOT knock! This is a dungeon! Not your room!

Belle: You threw me in a dungeon in a bed that I can barely sleep on and whine about how I sleep?

Belle: Why can’t you just soundproof the room?

Rumpelstiltskin: For God’s sakes Belle! If the castle isn’t filled with your snores, it’s filled with your sobs!

Rumpelstiltskin: I found snot in my coffee this morning!

Rumpelstiltskin: And I opened up my newspaper to the funnies because I need my daily dose of Family Circus and I found you used that as a tissue too!

Rumpelstiltskin: And you drink my orange juice! That costs four dollars, Belle! I even labeled it for me! ‘Belle’ does not sound like ‘Rumpelstiltskin’! I don’t care what accent you try to use!

Belle: This is why I didn’t want to be roommates!

Rumpelstiltskin: ….oh God, not the tears! Not the t- Belle! Stop that! I used to try it on my wife all the time and it never worked.

Rumpelstiltskin: Here! Take this pillow! It’s got sentimental value…mostly because it belongs to one of my cats. And it’s a sacrifice because Mr. Waffles is going to be pissed when he finds his favorite pillow gone. My feet are getting pounced on when I get in bed tonight, and it’s all to appease you!

*Is proud that he considered her.*

Belle: Any chance I can have a spoon and a poster for the wall too?

Rumpelstiltskin: I know that reference! And no! You can’t!

Belle: Then I’ll take a bazooka strong enough for blowing holes in the wall if you have one of them!

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut it, Belle! That sweet librarian is coming over for a date with me and I have to read up on all the classics so that I can pretend to have some idea what she’s talking about.

Rumpelstiltskin: And by ‘reading all the classics’, I mean ‘Belle sits on the stool by the wheel and cliffnotes everything I need to know about characters, plots and themes! Get your tuckus upstairs!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait…did I leave the roast in the oven?

Belle: This was why I do the cooking!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! Get your hands off my wand! That’s for Belle to touch! Not you!

Belle: Oh gross, that’s why I never touch your trophies!

Robin Hood: I’m Robin Hood and I’m the most advertised thing on this episode! I’m so happy this episode is a centric one about me!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s my Centric

Belle: It’s my centric!

Robin Hood: I’m pretty sure the one holding magic gets to decide…

Robin Hood: Pretty good backscratcher too…

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t do that, Rob. I scratch all sorts of things with that.

Robin Hood: I’ll shoot you!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Puts hands over the most important thing*

*Did Rumpel look superimposed to anyone else?*

Arrow: *Is flying*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is teleporting all over the room to troll the arrow*

Rumpelstiltskin: Boo-yeah!

Rumpelstiltskin: Ouch! Sticker!

Robin: Wow, that was pretty easy…stealing from the Dark One wasn’t that hard at all…see ya later, pretty lady. Hope you’re not here against your will or anything…

Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you for that attempted cold blooded murder after breaking and entering into my house there, HERO! *Rips out arrow*

Robin: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: YEOUCH!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s okay, Belle! *Awkwardly waves* I’m fine!

Rumpelstiltskin: Two people came willingly to my house that aren’t Jiminy! *Squees*

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, you’re really tall….

Rumpelstiltskin: I could be tall like that, but I’m quite comfortable with the size I am…it carries quite an intimidation factor by itself…

Belle: I don’t get it….

Robin: *Sigh* This isn’t going to be my centric episode, is it?

Belle: No one told me Robin Hood was that HAWT!

Not!Belle: Oh Mr. Gold and I are going to have so much fun together as I try to turn him into my dream husband…

Regina: Hey you!

Not!Belle: Oh…the other weirdo that knocked me out. That’s great.

Regina: So, I just told your boyfriend that they would never accept his dark heart and he would have no one and no one would have him and as your mayor, I have come here to make sure that happened.

Not!Belle: Too late! He and I are running away together!

Regina: He and you, what?

Regina: *Is condescending* Sure you are! Okay!

Not!Belle: He even told me that I can be friends with his best friend’s girlfriend! And then he sniffled at that. I think there’s something going on that I’m not completely aware of.

Not!Belle: *Giggles* But I’m sure it’s nothing!

Regina: Aw, isn’t that sweet? You think you’re going to be happy over me!

Not!Belle: Well…yeah…I mean, I haven’t done anything to you…

Regina: Oh hey, you dropped this.

Not!Belle: That’s not mine.

Regina: But…*Is desperate* IT was on YOUR floor.

Not!Belle: Probably the janitors, there’s no reason for me to have a matchbook and I know what’s mine and what isn’t considering I’ve been in this room for absolutely no reason.

Regina: *Is irritated* Look, just take it okay! You don’t know when you might need to set Mr. Gold’s hair on fire!

Not!Belle: Please! These aren’t even the right kind of matches that would accomplish that!

Not!Belle: Whoa!

Regina: Yes?

Not!Belle: I-

Regina: Yes?

Not!Belle: I-

Regina: Yes?

Not!Belle: I need to wash my hands. You just picked this off the floor!

Greg: So…these people absolutely SUCK at hiding magic.

Tamara: It sort of disappoints me, I was hoping for a challenge like The Dragon was.

Greg: I thought he wasn’t a challenge!

Tamara: He wasn’t, Greg. That was me being sarcastic. Like I always am.

Greg: You do it with such a straight face, I can never tell!

Tamara: This is why the package and I have better conversations!

Greg: Why are we talking in code? I removed all the bugs that Regina, Rumpelstiltskin, and the sheriff placed in the room. Why can’t we just say ‘Hook’?