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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

221 - Second Star to the Right Part 3

Baelfire: I wanted to alert Wendy’s parents but then I just got so tired….

Wendy: Bae! What did I tell you about leaving the window open!?
Baelfire: How did you get back? Did you fly? Did the shadow leave you? How did the shadow leave you if it’s light? Did you fly by yourself? How come no one saw you?

Wendy: Shut up with your questions, Bae!

Baelfire: So…Neverland…judging by the look on your face it was disappointing, huh? *Is mentally cheering*

Wendy: It’s so horrible there…there were no adults except for the ones that were on that one ship….and there were all sorts of magical creatures that didn’t help us and there were lots of boys clamoring to impress me…

Wendy: Also, there was Colin O’Donoghue….

Wendy: It was like paradise.

Baelfire: Hm. It doesn’t sound so great….

Wendy: And then it went dark and all the kids turned into huge wimps and wanted their parents.

Baelfire: Huh? Kids actually want their parents?

Wendy: I totally didn’t. Just so you know.

Wendy: But the shadow wouldn’t let them leave!

Wendy: But I escaped, more or less because I’m a chick and they’re not.

Baelfire: And…the shadow didn’t figure that out when you two went flying around London together?

Wendy: I used my womanly wiles to convince him to take me with him….

Baelfire: WILES?!

Wendy: But apparently I wouldn’t suffice for the thing and he’s way more interested in my little brothers instead.

Baelfire: He’s…more…OH!

Wendy: I KNOW!

Baelfire: Creeper!

Baelfire: Well, to impress you, I shall protect you all from the shadow monster!

Wendy: The shadow monster was on Lost.

Baelfire: This is in no way different.

Baelfire: Score.
Wendy: Bae, your hands are crazy sweaty.

Lacey: Ooooo! What’s that do?

Rumpelstiltskin: It does your hair for you. Honestly Bellacey, chug that down.

Lacey: Does it taste like sour apple? Cause it looks like it tastes like sour apple!

Rumpelstiltskin: It tastes like Watermelon. Because Belle likes Watermelon.

Lacey: ….I’m not Belle!

Rumpelstiltskin: You could beeeeeee!

Rumpelstiltskin: Here, Belle said she dreamed about this necklace once and I kept forgetting to give it to her because we kept getting interrupted and separated.

Lacey: Can I hock it?

Rumpelstiltskin: No Bellacey! You can’t hock it! This is a symbol of our eternal love!

Lacey: I LOVE that our eternal love is based a dream from the other woman and you giving to me while I have another personality

Rumpelstiltskin: Well there was that cup until you went and broke it, you butterfingers!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is being creepy* Oh Belle…your hair extensions…mmmmm

Lacey: So how come you can’t make yourself six foot tall and buff?

Lacey: *Is checking out* Because that’d be great…

Rumpelstiltskin: Because Bellacey…not all of us have to be six foot tall and buff to be perfect!

Lacey: Could you make ME six foot tall and buff?

Rumpelstiltskin: Huh? NO! No! I’m not standing on my tip toes to kiss you!

Lacey: B-but Rumpinator….that would make me happy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well it wouldn’t make me happy and that’s who I usually aim to please.

*Mood is ruined*

Lacey: I bet if Emma asked you to, you’d do it!
Rumpelstiltskin: When I offered to work my magic on Emma, she told me to go do things to myself that can’t be repeated in this abridged series!

Lacey: I bet that hurt your pride.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is lying* No! *Sniffles* At this point, I’m used to her sexy aggression!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my rounds to do at the hospital! Indeed to show off my doctor’s bag every chance I get because it was the bestest best friend present anyone ever got me.

Lacey: I’ll bet Emma doesn’t let you play doctor right…
Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit, why won’t this thing CLOSE?!

Lacey: Are you okay?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying to maneuver it shut* Fine…fine…don’t ask silly questions…

Lacey: You’re going to go see that Henry kid, aren’t you? The kid that I’m supposed to be step grandmother to?

Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, you are NOT going to be step grandmother to my baby grandson! Thanksgiving will be insane if I brought you looking like you just rolled out of bed like you do.

Lacey: *Is being persistent* PLLEEEASSSEEEEE?

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, fine okay.

Baelfire: Omigod Emma, you can’t just run around yelling that!

Emma: I’m sorry…are you sheriff?
Baelfire: No.
Emma: Who’s sheriff?
Baelfire: You.
Emma: That’s what I thought…so don’t question my process.

*Is zombie walking behind Emma*
Emma: Stop that.
Baelfire: I’m bored!

Emma: Don’t MAKE me turn this search and rescue around!
Baelfire: Would you? Cause that’d be awesome…

Emma: I’m serious Neal; I will turn us around SO FAST!
Baelfire: I don’t even want to be here!

Baelfire: Can I have a gun?
Emma: No!
Baelfire: Why did you bring me along?
Emma: To witness my magnificent victory of being right and the magnificent humiliation of your girlfriend!

Emma: I hear someone bumbling….is that….


Charming: I heard bickering…is that Swan Thief?

Charming: Guy guys, sorry about not letting you know that we arrived and nearly getting one of the four of us shot and what is Snow and Neal doing here?

Emma: Give me that gun before you kill somebody!

Snow: Now’s the time to tell you that I have a full arsenal under thiscoat!

Greg: What?! I’m almost done! Another ‘They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard on a ten hour loop’ and she’ll be talking in no time!

Regina: They’re taking the hobbits to isengard-gard-g-g-g-gard *Hums the theme*

Tamara: Wow, you rolled out the big guns!

Greg: Well, she’s not talking for reasons that can mostly be defined as spite. I gotta do something!

Tamara: Well, the four musketeers are all bumbling through here, so you better speed it up!

Greg: Okay…I’ll step it up. From now on, their voices will sound like chipmunks!

Tamara: He has truly become desperate!

Greg: *Is playing it*

Regina: Nooooooo! Make it stop!

Greg: Well, then tell me where my dad is that you held hostage needlessly!

Regina: Eh, I killed him.

Greg: WHAT?!

Regina: Well, he was useless and I was pissed and so I killed him and buried him at your old campsite…which now that I think of it…how do I know where you camped?

Greg: *Is horrified*

Greg: You could’ve just let him go and this would’ve never happened!

Regina: Since when do I let other people be happy once they tell me no?

Greg: What are you, Regina? Like five years old? People are going to tell you ‘no’ all the time! That’s life! And since there’s no way in hades that I’ll see justice done because the characters took stupid pills to excuse you still walking around free…I guess I’m just going to have to take matters into my own hands.

Regina: Not ‘I Got a Jar of Dirt’ on a ten hour loop too!

Mama Darling: Goodnight my treasures…

Mama Darling: You too, Bae.

Baelfire: Woohoo! Parents are in bed! It’s party time!

*Are arming up*

Nana: You guys don’t even name me in this! Go away!

*Is dancing to show the passage of time*

Baelfire: Okay Michael, I’m not sure what the jacks you set in the corner are supposed to do, but I guess we had to distract you with something to do.

Baelfire: Now this is important…does anyone have to go to the bathroom before you go to sleep because once I get in bed, I am not getting out for anything other than the shadow monster!

Wendy: Thank you Bae! I’m sure this fork will do wonders against a shape shifter shadow creature.

Baelfire: *Actual Dialogue* You can thank me in the morning!
Wendy: BAE!
Baelfire: Hey! I didn’t mean it like that!
John: What’s stopping the creature from coming back at another time?

Baelfire: Everyone just go to bed! I’m sure this mallet will do wonders against a SHADOW

*Lights start going out*

Baelfire: The shadow creature is here!

Wendy: Oh! Ya THINK?!

Shadow: Hey guys….which of your souls should I devour?!

Wendy: ATTACK! *Are beating up*

Shadow: Ow! Oh! Stop it!

Baelfire: Everyone into the crawl space! That should protect us for…some reason….

Michael: Take me! I’m tired of being the youngest!


Baelfire: Dangit Michael! You had one job!

Baelfire: Take me!

Wendy: *Slaps creature* Don’t you dare! I’m finally turning him into husband material!

 Wendy: This better not be our only part in this! It’s too ‘blink and miss it!’
Baelfire: Silence Wendy! I’m trying to go out a hero so that it gets points with you!

Baelfire: Well, here we go! And try not to make me look like a pansy like you did with Wendy, okay? It’s obvious she was strapped to a harness!

Wendy: Bae! You can’t leave!

Baelfire: Thank you Wendy! Thank you for teaching me sarcasm with your family!

Baelfire: Hey…hey can we stop at Paris on the way there?

Wendy: How am I going to explain this to my parents?!


Baelfire: AHHHH!
*And he smacked into 17 chimneys on the way there*

Shadow: I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways, and under. On a magic demon shadow ride….a whole new WORRLLLLDDD!

*Blatant Fanservice*

Baelfire: Altitude….oxygen decreasing….*Passes out*

*Ten Hours Later*

Regina: What sort of torture is IN your world?

Greg: See, this is something that all the people you’ve hurt and have never gotten punished for probably feel every day!

Regina: *Is passed out*

Greg: Aw man, I didn’t get to monologue about karma…


Charming: *Shoots box*
Greg: Hey!

Charming: Darnit! I missed!

Greg: See ya later, sucker!

Snow: Charming! Leave behind your fleeing torturer for the woman that tries to kill us! We have to help her!

Charming: What? No we don’t!

Snow: We do! Because my guilt of nyeh nyeh Cora nyeh nyeh!

Charming: *Is kicking a box in annoyance at this storyline*


  1. You and me both, Charming.
    Seriously, couldn't she have just let Charming go after Greg while SHE looked after Regina? I mean, it's not like she's a badass or anything... And it's not like Emma and Bae are also in the building and are perfectly capable of backing Charming up... or anything...

  2. I have a theory that Jefferson used his hat to travel into the *real* real world and is now writing the show...
    I mean, the weird hats... the destruction of Regina's character... the absolute lack of respect for anyone good-looking other than himself...

    1. If Jefferson wrote this show, not only would it be infinitely more entertaining but Regina certainly wouldn't be getting away with literally every bad thing she does because she does something good every now and again.

    2. Maybe Regina's getting away has something to do with the fact that Jefferson made a deal with her AFTER SHE SEPARATED HIM AND HIS BELOVED DAUGHTER FOR YEARS.

  3. I am perfectly fine with Regina bashing even though I am a fan, but DO NOT BRING JEFFERSON IN HERE. This has to stop. He was a slimy manipulative person who traumatized a teenager when his daughter wasn't even born. He didn't deserve what happened to him, but if HE deserves to be pitied, then, everyone on this show deserves sympathy. Even King George. Mostly King George. Poor man !

    1. OKay, I admire the fact that you stick with this even though you're a regina fan but I have to say this.

      1. Regina was NOT a teenager. There's no way Lana Parilla can look like a teenager. Jennifer Morrison didn't pass either but they gave her an age. We don't know how old Regina is.
      2. We don't know whether or not Grace was alraedy born.

      Jefferson also did not traumatize Regina. Regina was already traumatized. He may have helped crush her hopes in reviving her dead boyfriend (and we already saw how well THAT would've gone so I think they more did her a favor) but Regina was already taking a tour down insane street. I think she would've gone crazy without Rumpelstiltksin's con. I think she would've eventually gone crazy even if Daniel lived and they got to be happy.

      Yes, I think Jefferson deserves to be pitied. He lost his wife, his daughter, and his sanity after he turned his life around for his daughter and (Presumably) his wife.. I don't think Regina knows about the con since Rumpel and Victor got off relatively scott free, I think she was just jealous that he was happy and wanted to ruin that. I think people can truly change if they want to and I think Jefferson did until Regina ripped everything away from him

      And really if you're going to call Jefferson a slimy manipulative person who traumatized a young person...then what does that make Regina? Who has traumatized plenty of children much younger than she was?

    2. I understand what you mean about Regina. Yes she is manipulative, and yes, she destroyed lives, but the fact is... we know nothing of what happened to Jefferson before, so apparently he helped traumatizing her for fun and money, and nothing more.

      We got to see Regina constantly feeling sad. We got to see her exhibit remorse and trying to be a better mother. She couldn't think Daniel was fine and could be happy. He was sad that someone was away, with good foster parents. It doesn't make what she did any better, but she felt remorse. He apparently didn't. She wanted to save her father. When he got revenge on her, it was well-deserved snapback. It still wasn't help.

      Yes, I'm aware that Lana Parilla couldn't look like a teenager, but the thing is, if Jeniffer Morison in her past story episode was 18, then Lana Parilla had to be very young too in that one, no matter how badly conceived the idea was. Snow was played by a twelve-years old and then played by a (in season 1) 32 years old. Lana Parilla is three years older. Calculating that way, she should have been 16.

      Regina traumatized people because she suffers from a mix of PTSD and what seems to be a very natural anti-social disorder, which is mainly characterized by the inability to believe that most people would be able of empathy. She wants people to feel sorry for her. I stupidly do, even though it can't help.

    3. What I mean is basically this :

      Regina: I should by all rights be terrified and furious and hunting down that nasty patriarchal schlutz King Leopold for accepring my mom's answer would be perfectly acceptable, but no. I should just flee before I get furious and irrational .

      Rumplestiltskin: Let's make you equate power with safety and remind you of how good it felt to use magic for self-protection. You can do that if you marry the king and I manage to get you to be insane.

      Regina (stoped listening and squees in her own mind) : And maybe I could save Daniel ?

      Rumple: (in his mind) Right now she must be thinking of Daniel. And the fabulous shoes. Probably the shoes. Not KIng Leopold's body anyway... Unless she's into that. I hope she's not into that.

      Regina: We have a deal. (thinks of Leopold's body) UGH ! (feels guilty for being mentally crual)

      Jefferson: So if I revive her hope, and THEN I GET OFF WITH SOME GOOD BLING !

      Rumplestiltskin: No, first, bring her to the walking silent movie reference and his Wonderful Wavering Accent...

      Jefferson: AND THEN THE BLING !

      Regina: I cry over Daniel because of what you did.

      Viktor: I'm doing that for my brother. Don't cry. Don't cry.

      Jefferson: BLIIIIIIIIINNNNNN....

      Rumplestiltskin: Good job. She's BROKEN. She's doing MONSTRUOUS things. And that's because of YOUR awesome WORK.

      Jefferson: BLIIIIIIIIING...

      (cut to ten years later)

      Jefferson: Hi, Regina. I'm a good dad, I'm still not sorry for what I did as you can tell by my bored facial expressions.

      Regina: I need to go find something that might be my dad. You're the only competent person I can trap... I mean, bring... in that thing.

      Jefferson: Okay.

      Regina: I take my dad. Now you're locked. As you can tell by my facial expression, I'm right now feeling guilty but I know your daughter is safe because you said it. Let's put a show.

      (cackles dramatically, and finds a bad excuse)

    4. We can't assume that Jefferson did what he did for fun and money and that's it when we haven't seen his backstory yet.

      When has Regina ever felt remorse for anything she's done? She hasn't. The only time she's felt bad is when Henry made her feel bad and the only time she wanted to be a better mother was because he didn't want anything to do with her until she did. She may have felt some temporary guilt but it's gone when she snaps right back into doing what she does.

      And I'm sorry, but Jefferson had no idea about whether or not Grace was safe or if she was still with those foster parents. She probably still sat waiting for him to come home and coudln't understand why he wasn't there. Nor do we know that Jefferson felt remorse for what he did. If a psychopath royal was in my house, I wouldn't give them anything emotionally either. Regina was already trying to exploit his poverty and his daughter to get what she wanted.That's regina's fault. So what her face held some remorse when she did it? She looked sad when she brutally murdered Graham, her father, and all those villagers. and so what she left him to save her father? We already know that the food works in other worlds. Regina could've carried him through the mirror as a shrunken person and gave him the mushroom over there. Regina could've brought a body through like Hook did. But no, she did it for...God knows why. Because we don't know for sure that she knows what Jefferson did.

      And you can't compare the characters ages to the actors ages in a show like this. Especially when Five of those characters (Bae, Rumpel, Hook, Blue, Archie) are playing characters far older than they are.

      A lot of the characters suffer from PTSD and I imagine other social disorders. I imagine Emma most certainly does with her hinted at childhood and upbringing and now all this... but they don't go around killing people. Regina does it because the writers want her to be evil but don't want the consequences that would happen when someone does the things Regina's done.

      Listen, I know you like Regina. That's fine. I don't have a problem with Regina fans. But the problem I have is the excuses. There's nothing wrong with liking a horrible character. But there's no reason to demonize other characters and whitewash what the villain does like I've seen people do. That's where I have the problem.

    5. Then again, I am sorry. I don't want to be annoying with this. I find asking characters to do their best just as healthy as cheering for them just because you like them, and I don't really hate Jefferson. Actually, before the Doctor, I almost liked him in the self-loathing, despite myself way, because the writers just gave us someone with close to no backstory and I am supposed to like him because A: He's played by Sebastian Stan and B: He is a dad.

      If you don't abridge the spin-off, no one will hold a grudge against you, but I would love to see you abridge it because my secret theory is that they actually created Once upon a time in order to bring the spin-off later. It could explain why Wonderland has such realistic CGI, why that spin-off was launched incredibly fast, why Jefferson doesn't have a clearer backstory when everyone and their dog has had a flashback episode and why everyone on the new show already has a backstory.

  4. I am sorry, I didn't want to be annoying. You don't like excuses because people can resist external circumstances, and that's alright, that's even part of why I read the abridged series, because you are at your wittiest when you poke fun at everything melodramatic, even Regina-related.

    On a completely unrelated note, will you abridge the spin-off ? I can't wait to see that, but you'll probably have a lot of work with what's already to do with season 3.