Baelfire: I wanted to alert Wendy’s parents but then I just got so tired….
Wendy: Bae! What did I tell you about leaving the window open!?
Baelfire: How did you get back? Did you fly? Did the shadow leave you? How did the shadow leave you if it’s light? Did you fly by yourself? How come no one saw you?
Wendy: Shut up with your questions, Bae!
Baelfire: So…Neverland…judging by the look on your face it was disappointing, huh? *Is mentally cheering*
Wendy: It’s so horrible there…there were no adults except for the ones that were on that one ship….and there were all sorts of magical creatures that didn’t help us and there were lots of boys clamoring to impress me…
Wendy: Also, there was Colin O’Donoghue….
Wendy: It was like paradise.
Baelfire: Hm. It doesn’t sound so great….
Wendy: And then it went dark and all the kids turned into huge wimps and wanted their parents.
Baelfire: Huh? Kids actually want their parents?
Wendy: I totally didn’t. Just so you know.
Wendy: But the shadow wouldn’t let them leave!
Wendy: But I escaped, more or less because I’m a chick and they’re not.
Baelfire: And…the shadow didn’t figure that out when you two went flying around London together?
Wendy: I used my womanly wiles to convince him to take me with him….
Wendy: But apparently I wouldn’t suffice for the thing and he’s way more interested in my little brothers instead.
Wendy: I KNOW!
Baelfire: Well, to impress you, I shall protect you all from the shadow monster!
Wendy: The shadow monster was on Lost.
Baelfire: This is in no way different.
Wendy: Bae, your hands are crazy sweaty.
Lacey: Ooooo! What’s that do?
Rumpelstiltskin: It does your hair for you. Honestly Bellacey, chug that down.
Lacey: Does it taste like sour apple? Cause it looks like it tastes like sour apple!
Rumpelstiltskin: It tastes like Watermelon. Because Belle likes Watermelon.
Lacey: ….I’m not Belle!
Rumpelstiltskin: You could beeeeeee!
Rumpelstiltskin: Here, Belle said she dreamed about this necklace once and I kept forgetting to give it to her because we kept getting interrupted and separated.
Lacey: Can I hock it?
Rumpelstiltskin: No Bellacey! You can’t hock it! This is a symbol of our eternal love!
Lacey: I LOVE that our eternal love is based a dream from the other woman and you giving to me while I have another personality
Rumpelstiltskin: Well there was that cup until you went and broke it, you butterfingers!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is being creepy* Oh Belle…your hair extensions…mmmmm
Lacey: So how come you can’t make yourself six foot tall and buff?
Lacey: *Is checking out* Because that’d be great…
Rumpelstiltskin: Because Bellacey…not all of us have to be six foot tall and buff to be perfect!
Lacey: Could you make ME six foot tall and buff?
Rumpelstiltskin: Huh? NO! No! I’m not standing on my tip toes to kiss you!
Lacey: B-but Rumpinator….that would make me happy!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well it wouldn’t make me happy and that’s who I usually aim to please.
*Mood is ruined*
Lacey: I bet if Emma asked you to, you’d do it!
Rumpelstiltskin: When I offered to work my magic on Emma, she told me to go do things to myself that can’t be repeated in this abridged series!
Lacey: I bet that hurt your pride.
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is lying* No! *Sniffles* At this point, I’m used to her sexy aggression!
Rumpelstiltskin: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my rounds to do at the hospital! Indeed to show off my doctor’s bag every chance I get because it was the bestest best friend present anyone ever got me.
Lacey: I’ll bet Emma doesn’t let you play doctor right…
Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit, why won’t this thing CLOSE?!
Lacey: Are you okay?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying to maneuver it shut* Fine…fine…don’t ask silly questions…
Lacey: You’re going to go see that Henry kid, aren’t you? The kid that I’m supposed to be step grandmother to?
Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, you are NOT going to be step grandmother to my baby grandson! Thanksgiving will be insane if I brought you looking like you just rolled out of bed like you do.
Lacey: *Is being persistent* PLLEEEASSSEEEEE?
Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, fine okay.
Emma: ANYONE IN HERE?!
Baelfire: Omigod Emma, you can’t just run around yelling that!
Emma: I’m sorry…are you sheriff?
Emma: Who’s sheriff?
Emma: That’s what I thought…so don’t question my process.
*Is zombie walking behind Emma*
Emma: Stop that.
Baelfire: I’m bored!
Emma: Don’t MAKE me turn this search and rescue around!
Baelfire: Would you? Cause that’d be awesome…
Emma: I’m serious Neal; I will turn us around SO FAST!
Baelfire: I don’t even want to be here!
Baelfire: Can I have a gun?
Baelfire: Why did you bring me along?
Emma: To witness my magnificent victory of being right and the magnificent humiliation of your girlfriend!
Emma: I hear someone bumbling….is that….
Charming: I heard bickering…is that Swan Thief?
Charming: Guy guys, sorry about not letting you know that we arrived and nearly getting one of the four of us shot and what is Snow and Neal doing here?
Emma: Give me that gun before you kill somebody!
Snow: Now’s the time to tell you that I have a full arsenal under thiscoat!
Greg: What?! I’m almost done! Another ‘They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard on a ten hour loop’ and she’ll be talking in no time!
Regina: They’re taking the hobbits to isengard-gard-g-g-g-gard *Hums the theme*
Tamara: Wow, you rolled out the big guns!
Greg: Well, she’s not talking for reasons that can mostly be defined as spite. I gotta do something!
Tamara: Well, the four musketeers are all bumbling through here, so you better speed it up!
Greg: Okay…I’ll step it up. From now on, their voices will sound like chipmunks!
Tamara: He has truly become desperate!
Greg: *Is playing it*
Regina: Nooooooo! Make it stop!
Greg: Well, then tell me where my dad is that you held hostage needlessly!
Regina: Eh, I killed him.
Regina: Well, he was useless and I was pissed and so I killed him and buried him at your old campsite…which now that I think of it…how do I know where you camped?
Greg: *Is horrified*
Greg: You could’ve just let him go and this would’ve never happened!
Regina: Since when do I let other people be happy once they tell me no?
Greg: What are you, Regina? Like five years old? People are going to tell you ‘no’ all the time! That’s life! And since there’s no way in hades that I’ll see justice done because the characters took stupid pills to excuse you still walking around free…I guess I’m just going to have to take matters into my own hands.
Regina: Not ‘I Got a Jar of Dirt’ on a ten hour loop too!
Mama Darling: Goodnight my treasures…
Mama Darling: You too, Bae.
Baelfire: Woohoo! Parents are in bed! It’s party time!
*Are arming up*
Nana: You guys don’t even name me in this! Go away!
*Is dancing to show the passage of time*
Baelfire: Okay Michael, I’m not sure what the jacks you set in the corner are supposed to do, but I guess we had to distract you with something to do.
Baelfire: Now this is important…does anyone have to go to the bathroom before you go to sleep because once I get in bed, I am not getting out for anything other than the shadow monster!
Wendy: Thank you Bae! I’m sure this fork will do wonders against a shape shifter shadow creature.
Baelfire: *Actual Dialogue* You can thank me in the morning!
Baelfire: Hey! I didn’t mean it like that!
John: What’s stopping the creature from coming back at another time?
Baelfire: Everyone just go to bed! I’m sure this mallet will do wonders against a SHADOW
*Lights start going out*
Baelfire: The shadow creature is here!
Wendy: Oh! Ya THINK?!
Shadow: Hey guys….which of your souls should I devour?!
Wendy: ATTACK! *Are beating up*
Shadow: Ow! Oh! Stop it!
Baelfire: Everyone into the crawl space! That should protect us for…some reason….
Michael: Take me! I’m tired of being the youngest!
Nana: HAIL DANVERS THE DOVE!
Baelfire: Dangit Michael! You had one job!
Baelfire: Take me!
Wendy: *Slaps creature* Don’t you dare! I’m finally turning him into husband material!
Wendy: This better not be our only part in this! It’s too ‘blink and miss it!’
Baelfire: Silence Wendy! I’m trying to go out a hero so that it gets points with you!
Baelfire: Well, here we go! And try not to make me look like a pansy like you did with Wendy, okay? It’s obvious she was strapped to a harness!
Wendy: Bae! You can’t leave!
Baelfire: Thank you Wendy! Thank you for teaching me sarcasm with your family!
Baelfire: Hey…hey can we stop at Paris on the way there?
Wendy: How am I going to explain this to my parents?!
Baelfire: NOT MY PROBLEM!
*And he smacked into 17 chimneys on the way there*
Shadow: I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways, and under. On a magic demon shadow ride….a whole new WORRLLLLDDD!
Baelfire: Altitude….oxygen decreasing….*Passes out*
*Ten Hours Later*
Regina: What sort of torture is IN your world?
Greg: See, this is something that all the people you’ve hurt and have never gotten punished for probably feel every day!
Regina: *Is passed out*
Greg: Aw man, I didn’t get to monologue about karma…
Charming: *Shoots box*
Charming: Darnit! I missed!
Greg: See ya later, sucker!
Snow: Charming! Leave behind your fleeing torturer for the woman that tries to kill us! We have to help her!
Charming: What? No we don’t!
Snow: We do! Because my guilt of nyeh nyeh Cora nyeh nyeh!
Charming: *Is kicking a box in annoyance at this storyline*