Smee: Hey, when did the lost ones steal our lifeboat?
Hook: When we threw you overboard to go get it.
Smee: You’re going to have to be more specific Captain, throwing me overboard happens like every day.
Hook: Seriously? Every day?
Smee: You’re the one that orders it!
Hook: I don’t want to give him up! I always wanted a kid!
Smee: Captain, a kid is way different than a dog.
Hook: It is not! You feed it, walk it, and pet it when it doesn’t leave messes on the wrong parts of the ship and then you hug its neck when it does tricks! I have this parent thing down, Smee! Just you wait!
Felix: Hey! So I heard everything you were talking about.
Hook: Get off my ship! I don’t care if you work for him
Smee: Captain, you have to put more emphasis on the him for it to be a mystery.
Hook: Oh sorry. *Ahem* You work for hiiiimmm
Felix: This guy….
Felix: We’re looking for a stray kid but we’re also making our rounds for the Monday night cookout. Got anyone we can sacrifice?
Smee: Captain, stop looking at me!
Hook: *Is mischievous*
Felix: Hm. Well…I’m convinced there’s no one here!
Hook: Did you stick my new favorite son in the hidden hatch?
Smee: What hidden hat- OH CRAP!
Felix: You go in there!
Merv: You go in there!
Felix: No you!
Merv: You’re the leader!
Felix: I’m scared of the dark!
Hook: *Is enjoying this*
Felix: Could you not…with your face?
Baelfire: Ninjae! Ninja….Bae? Um…gonna have to work on this! Once I work out how I got up here…
Felix: I said…could you NOT with your FACE?
Hook: I’m not doing anything!
Felix: Do you know what HE does to those that lie to him? He rips their shadow from their body.
Hook: Well that’ll make my sneak attacks easier to conduct.
Abridged Colin O’Donoghue: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Abridged Actor who plays Felix: Stop! This is a very important character establishing moment!
Abridged Colin O’Donoghue: *Is shaking while trying to sustain his giggles*
Felix: *Ahem* We’re going home!
Felix: I guess you don’t learn…
Hook: *Is posing* Zombie Hook!
Felix: If you find the little drowned rat, send us a text *Gives card*
Hook: Heh, that kid might get tortured for his failure!
Hook: Is he gone?
Smee: Wouldn’t it just be easier to wait till they’re completely off the boat, captain?
Hook: Nonsense Smee, it’s time to live dangerously.
Smee: I’m pretty sure that line of thinking is what inevitably lead to you losing your hand.
Baelfire: I’m a ninja!
Hook: *Is condescending* Bae, you can’t be a pirate and a ninja, it’s not possible and even if it was, I’d be the first.
Mr. Clark: Look, I don’t care if you’re wrapping up various plot threads for the season! I have a Generic General Store to run!
Happy: Ugh! Why did we bring you?!
Rumpelstiltskin: You guys are aware that when it says ‘open’ I don’t really mean for you to come in, right?
Grumpy: This is a stick up! We’re robbing you blind, old man!
Mr. Clark: I don’t know him!
Rumpelstiltskin: I could just summon that over here if I want to.
Grumpy: You can’t summon this, now can you?
Rumpelstiltskin: What is that? The cure stuff from Batman and Robin?
Grumpy: Wha-? No! No! The writers realized that the needed to make August turning into little Pinocchio significant somehow so that episode would pay off and so they had the Blue Fairy secretly making this with no hint at all that that’s what we were doing!
Mr. Clark: That’s convenient for the finale.
Grumpy: Shut up, Clark! Or we’re sitting you next to Henry for Thanksgiving.
Mr. Clark: AUGH! That kid!
Happy: It’s okay….it’s okay….
Rumpelstiltskin: So…you’re waking him up to die what will probably be a most painful agonizing death.
Grumpy: He deserves to be awake and conscious like the rest of us through his brutal agonizing painful death! What makes him so special?
Rumpelstiltskin: But I LIKE him as Mr. Clark!
Mr. Clark: I like me as Mr. Clark too. Can we keep me?
Grumpy: I don’t like you either way! But I’m the leader and what I say goes and I say that he should be awake to suffer like the rest of us!
Mr. Clark: I don’t even know what we’re talking about! I’m not drinking anything!
*Are dragging him out to force him to drink and be Sneezy*
Rumpelstiltskin: Hmph! Loving Familial Dwarves!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t like Gatorade, thank you.
Grumpy: It’s for Belle, you galoot! If there’s anyone that deserves to be awake when dying a slow painful vague death then it’s her! She’s my friend and no one likes Lacey!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, that’s true.
Grumpy: She helped me find my true love that we haven’t seen since and ended badly over on the other side! I owe her!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, it is a pretty color…
Grumpy: Oh! I want to make sure I’m there when they force Mr. Clark to chug!
Lacey: What was that?
Rumpelstiltskin: Real convenient that you came in after the conversation was done, Lacey. What, did you get held up at a red light back there?
Lacey: I passed out!
Rumpelstiltskin: Silly human and her inability to hold 3 bottles of liquor!
Lacey: Oh I see, just because your son died, you think you can ride the pissy train!
Lacey: I didn’t stick with him to get turned on by him beating guys for this drama!
Greg: If Storybrooke is going to be destroyed, WHY am I wasting time doing this?! They know we were stationed here!
*I wish we had a scene with them in the truck together*
Charming: Friggin’ Hook, messing with all the knobs!
Hook: I wanted to see what they did!
Charming: I’m being stealthy! I’m a ninja!
Hook: HEY YOU IN THERE! WE’RE COMING IN!
Charming: Friggin’ Hook!
Baelfire: Are we there yet?
Hook: We get there when we get there!
Hook: But I do have to tell you that our braking system is a bit faulty. And so if you keep asking, we’re going to tie you to the anchor and see if the added weight gets hold of something under there.
Baelfire: I could probably drive this rig better.
Hook: Oh yeah? Then have a go!
Baelfire: The last time you told me that, you tied me to the wheel and turned it a whole bunch of times!
Hook: Keep sassing me and I’ll do it again!
Baelfire: AUGH! MY CHEST! YOU DUG YOUR HOOK INTO IT!
Hook: Now let me teach you how to drive even though you’re underage.
Hook: Now…one side’s Port and the other’s Starboard.
Baelfire: Why can’t you all just say left and right?
Hook: It is different for us out in the sea!
Hook: And do I come around asking why you wore a silly red coat over those pajamas? No! I do not! That’s just the way things are done!
Hook: Now turn two clicks Starboard.
Hook: N-Bae! I said STARBOARD! I said STARBOARD!
Hook: There you go. *Pets* Heh. I got this father thing down
Hook: Hey Bae…wanna hear about my daddy issues?
Baelfire: SHH! I’m driving!
Hook: It’s okay, I’ll help! Once upon a time-
Baelfire: That wasn’t an invitation!
Hook: My dad and I went to join the pirates and I was better at it than he was so he got jealous and wanted to leave and I was all like ‘wah! Dad, don’t go!” and he was all like ‘Shut up, Killian, destiny means I don’t have to deal with you anymore’ and then he was gone. It was almost like feeling dropped down a vortex by a coward father….
Hook: But I wouldn’t know anything about that!
Baelfire: I do!
Hook: Oh really? What a Coinkidink
Baelfire: So my dad wanted power to save my life but it came with a price or something and then he was all evil and then he dropped me down a vortex so if he finds me then you guys are dead.
Baelfire: He’s sort of protective like that. It’s embarrassing
Hook: Don’t worry Bae…I’ll be your father.
Baelfire: No….that’s okay…..
Hook: Listen, I need someone for the father/son pirate picnic day and I hate the little tykes who would volunteer otherwise, but I have to use you. We might own at three legged races but I got disqualified in the arm wrestling contests.
Baelfire: Those other kids are punks!
Hook: I agree, but we must show them!
Baelfire: NO…I have my pride.
Hook: So do I….which is why we’re entering and beating everyone…
Hook: Once I find my way back, that is…
Baelfire: I’m going to keep driving now….
Hook: Yay for keeping secrets of my girlfriend’s son that she abandoned!
Charming: So…what are you plans for my daughter?
Hook: Oh no, not the talk!
Hook: *Is trolling* The same thing I plan to do with most women, duh!
Charming: HEY! I know what that is!
Hook: Good for you! I don’t have to explain it.
Charming: You’re not a good example for my daughter! You can’t even decide which side
Hook: Stop bringing up my untrustworthy past like it’s a reason not to team up with me!
Hook: *Is posing* Okay, you can come in!
Charming: All that pirate has to do is SNEEZE wrong!
Charming: C’mere, Hook!
Charming: *Stumbles forward*
Greg: Oh no! They found our super-secret hiding place!
Charming: Hey! It’s Greg!
Hook: Hey Greg…sorry about that that whole…2nd double cross….
Greg: You can’t shoot me! I got beans!
*Is Matrix dodging*
Hook: ATTACK! *Are catfighting*
Charming: Tamara! Where are you?!
Tamara: *Is ready to tackle him like a linebacker*
Charming: C’mere! *Trips* EEK!
Hook: Yeah! You two better run! You’re lucky I’m holding him back!
Charming: Gimme mah arm!
Hook: No! I want a hug!
*Are having tug of war*
Hook: OW! You pulled my fingernail!
Hook: Also I snagged one of the beans….
Charming: Oh wow…yeah….ONE BEAN is going to get this entire population back home! Now back to Greg and Tamara!
Hook: Hey! If I come back without you, then your wife and daughter and Rumpelstiltskin are going to play ‘Killy in the Middle’ and that is NOT a fun game if not played the way I usually play it!
Charming: GIMME YOUR BEANS!
Hook: ACH! Buy me dinner first!
Charming: I can’t believe Greg owned you just now!
Hook: I don’t want to talk about it!
Hook: Oh hey! I can hear you starting the truck without me!
Emma: So is this something that we can look forward to every year? That in the finale you do horrible things but suddenly have a change of heart when your idiocy hurts Henry and then you do something good and expect us to forgive you of everything?
Regina: You should forgive me of everything automatically, I had a mean mom!
Emma: That…is the failsafe?
Regina: Shut it, Emma! I didn’t think I’d ever have to use it.
Emma: A giant floating diamond? I guess I could always shoot it or….kick it from the ‘beam me up scotty’ beam
Regina: *Ahem* This diamond is going to drain all my strength!
Emma: Oh God, are you trying to get my sympathy NOW?
Regina: I could die!
Emma: Guess what Regina, all of us could die and were going to when you were ready to set the failsafe yourself. You don’t get props for cleaning up the mess you started just because someone stole your idea!
Regina: Henry knows that I love him, doesn’t he?
Emma: I’m not sure you can call what you’ve put that kid through ‘love’.
Regina: Well now I can die as Regina and now everyone including Henry will love me!
Emma: Regina, it doesn’t count if you’re doing it to buy us time to save your backside. NO one’s going to forgive you for saving their life ONCE when you’ve tried to take it from them multiple times.
Emma: One good act in the middle of twisted horrible actions doesn’t constitute a hero. That’s not how this works. In fact, this feels like nothing more than a quick stab at redemption since shoving it down everyone’s throat the first 11 episodes didn’t work. Never before this have you been shown to be regretful or sorry that you were going to kill us. In fact, the only time you were sorry was when you got caught and Henry found out!
Regina: You’re not making my cheap heroism easy.
Emma: Well you didn’t make my childhood easy when you ripped my family apart and tried to kill me as an infant, so don’t expect to get any sympathy from me
Regina: But I’m giving my life!
Emma: Because Henry realized he’d be alone and you felt guilty AGAIN and because you want to be recognized. Not because you feel it’s the right thing to do completely and while you’re sorry that you put the failsafe up (but only because you’re caught in it now too), you’re not sorry for anything else you’ve done. So no, this feels like another attempt to force redemption down our throats.
Regina: Oh! I should remind you that I got tortured brutally!
Emma: Yet you’re running around and you’re alright now. Funny how that works!
Regina: And I’m taking responsibility for what I did.
Emma: Good for you Regina, that’s what adults are supposed to do.