Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 217

Greg: Yeah, I saw your kid running through the forest going ‘mwa-ha-ha’ and randomly yelling ‘murder’.

Regina: Wait, how did you get this number?

Greg: Oh, I took a photo of his address with my phone before I gave him back his backpack.

Greg: *Realized how creepy that sounded.*

Regina: Hey, why is my number on there anyway? Henry doesn’t even LIVE with me!

Greg: Um….lazy kid?

Regina: That’s impossible; Henry always looks forward to scrubbing me out of his life.

Owen: We lost the deck chair back there!

Kurt: Leave it!

Owen: It’s out lucky ‘Clear out of town’ chair!

Graham: Why are you in the car?

Regina: Because I want to! Keep driving!

Graham: But you’re like the most important person in town!

Regina: Don’t I know it!

Graham: It seems like a liability!

Regina: Drive!

Graham: I’m not going the way the little arrows are pointing at me to go!

Graham: Come back! I didn’t give you my patented best friend noogie!

Kurt: I don’t want your patented best friend nookie!

Graham: I said ‘noogie!’

Owen: Dad! T-Bone them so that they flip over and block the sheriff and the car explodes!

*Barely misses*

Archie: PSYCHO!

Mr. Gold: *waves cane out of the window*

*Are chasing*

Owen: Dad! Use your blinker!

Kurt: Yeah so I’m pretty sure I had enough time to drive around that.

Owen: Dad…we’re not in Stephen King circumstances, are we?

Kurt: No son, it’s more like we’re in one of those crappy adaptations that probably works better on paper than it does in reading.

Owen: NOOOOOOOOO!

Graham: ?

Regina: Huntsman! I can’t figure out this lock!

Owen: Don’t worry dad, when he comes over here, I’ll use the metal to break his face!

Kurt: No son, you call your uncle! I hope you remember his number!

Owen: Dad, it’s the eighties. Cell phone directories haven’t been invented yet! I know every phone number I’ve ever seen!

Kurt: Patented papa wolf throat punch!

Graham: No need to get violent, I was just being friendly!

Kurt: Patented papa wolf crazy dance arms!

Graham: Let go of me, you beast!

Kurt: No! Not sissy girl chest punches! You monster!

Regina: Owen! I’m not going to hurt your dad too much if you stay!

Kurt: ARMPIT!

Graham: GOOSED!

Kurt: NOOOO! My weakness!

Regina: Owen! I don’t know why you want to get home to your other family and friends instead of staying here against your will even though we’ve spent less time together than it takes to travel cross country on a plane!

Regina: Don’t you wanna be my kid and make me happy?

Owen: I can’t believe this garbage! You had your curse for three days before you got bored! Guess what, Regina! It’s not all about you!

Regina: What kind of nonsense are you spewing?

Graham: Um….shouldn’t we call Child Protective Services?

Henry: Well….if anything, this will finally give our show an explosion…

Regina: Henry! Stop trying to stop me from brutally killing people!

Henry: Stay back! Or I’ll wave this fake dynamite some more!

Regina: Henry! That stuff will never light up! Those are just props we used for the play!

Henry: I know you’re lying! I already tested one on your office!

Regina: You what?

Henry: See ya later, sucker!

Henry: Oh…I forgot you could do that…

Regina: Are you still pissy about my plans to murder your entire family so that we can be together?

Henry: I’ve disapproved the last three times you nearly killed them! What makes you think this time is going to be any different?

Regina: Because…this is the only way that we can be together and stuff! You won’t have anyone once I kill the Charmings! Nothing says love like the process of elimination!

Henry: Then I’ll move in with Grandpa!

Regina: *Is exasperated* Look runt, he’s not your stepdad and calling him ‘Grandpa Rumpel’ won’t make him anymore related to you!

Emma: Are you still trying to justify murdering us and brainwashing your kid even though you already know that you didn’t want your mother doing that to you by episode 2 of this season?

Charming: Heroic pose!

Regina: Where did Red go? And how did I beat all of you here?

Regina: And who is he?!

Regina: Incinerating you guys alive will make him love me!

Henry: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Henry: *Is whispering* You guys distract her; I’ll push her down the well!

Emma: Hurry it up! Her still being free makes absolutely no sense!

Henry: Regina, stop thinking you’re justified in wanting these people dead just because they protected themselves from you killing them!

Henry: And you guys! Stop pussy-footing around and lock her up already!

Regina: Why don’t any kids I want to adopt like me? I only rip away their families and free will away from them!

Regina: Oh well…now that I’m caught…I guess I won’t need this anymore!

Regina: there! Happy? Now since I look sad, I demand you hug me and tell me you love me since I just nearly brainwashed you because I want to feel loved the way I think I’m entitled to be loved!

Henry: Um…you don’t get hugs and accommodations just because you were prepared to murder or hurt someone and then chose not to because you were guilted into it.

Charming: Can’t I just shoot her a little?

Emma: Let’s go, Charming!

Charming: So, we’re not going to talk about how she was just SECONDS away from murdering your mom earlier?

Owen: Um…I know I left the town here SOMEWHERE!

Trooper Tommy: Great. A Stephen King tourist.

Trooper Timmy: You said it, Trooper Tommy.

Owen: I left it here a few minutes ago!

Trooper Tommy: Well its’ not here now!

Trooper Tommy: C’mon, I know your traumatized because your dad got ate by a bear or something, but I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt when you said a crazy mayor in a town I’ve never heard of kidnapped your dad and the town was in it together. I only supported it because I thought it might make a good book or movie or something. I was going to call it “Town with a Secret.” It was going to be original!

Owen: I WENT TO STORYBROOKE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY KEYCHAIN!

Regina: So…have I been standing here all this time….or do I just drive out randomly in hopes that I would see you again? Huh. I just realized that when you ran away, I had no reason to keep your dad and murdered him out of pure spite. I could’ve just let him go I suppose…I mean, how long were you most likely running before you reached civilization? And you were terrified and all by yourself?

Owen: I’m never going to see my dad again and I just lost my mom six months ago!

Regina: But let’s focus on me and my issues!

Snow: I can’t believe Rumpel spent this entire time primping in my mirror.

Rumpelstiltskin: So, I just got off the phone with your husband…would’ve loved to see a scene where we exchanged phone numbers…anyway, it’s all been called off.

Rumpelstiltskin: Of course Regina could always change her mind…

Rumpelstiltskin: Or she could’ve made a copy of the curse…

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m sorry; this is doing nothing to make you feel better, is it?

Snow: Did you even ever really care about me? Or was it all a ploy for your agenda when we dated?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Was hoping to avoid this awkwardness*

Rumpelstiltskin: I could have….but then you said you liked the Backstreet Boys and how George Clooney wasn’t TOO bad of a Batman and I just…couldn’t see a future with you….

Rumpelstiltskin: And then there was that whole debacle with the fuzzy sweaters!

Rumpelstiltskin: And then the propellers and I knew I had to end it!

Snow: I knew he’d never forgive me over the propellers!

Regina: No….

Regina:…it can’t be…..

Snow: Stop being dramatic for once in your life, Regina. Just kill me already.

Regina: ….

Regina: Am I getting Punk’d?

Snow: This is the oooonly way to end everyone’s pain?

*Regina just tried to slaughter them again and there’s absolutely no guard watching her?*

Regina: What about your husband?

Snow: Eh.

Regina: What about Emma?

Snow: Eh.

Regina: You do realize this absolutely will NOT stop me from killing them too? Because I tried to kill Charming after you ate the poisoned apple and I tried to kill Emma with the turnover when she had agreed to leave town….so…the fact that you’re up here makes no sense.

Snow: Because I feel guilty and stuff!

Regina: Let’s take a look at that heart…

Snow: Um! OW! You couldn’t have thought of an easier way to kill me!

Regina: Shut up! I’m pretending I’m a cardiologist!

Regina: Look! Do you know what that ink stain is? Either you’re going to turn evil or that’s actually an ink stain and you’ll be a writer some day because writing is in your heart!

Snow: Yeah, because I’m AUTOMATICALLY going to believe that.

Regina: Y-you should! Because I’ve always been the paragon of honesty!

Regina: You’re going to become more and more evil and like…lose everything and all I have to do is sit back and watch!

Snow: You do realize that this all hinges on the fact that I’m not going to tell my family everything, right?

Regina: Oh…I didn’t think about that.

Snow: This is why your plans ever work.

Regina: Shut up! Henry will be mine!

Snow: Look, if you’re not going to squeeze that, can you at least put it back in? Because while keeping it out of me is a sure fire way to keep me from feeling anything and ruining my family, I don’t want to go that route.

Snow: and anyway…since when does one evil act eventually mean that you’re going to go down an evil road? And since when is pure self-defense an evil act? I know the writers are desperate to make you feel somewhat justified in hating me right now, but there was literally nothing that could’ve been done!

Regina: Well even if it doesn’t work, the next few episodes are going to be all about me regardless of the fact that you guys are the heroes! Even if they’re about someone else, I’m going to find a way to make it about me!