222 - Straight on till Morning Part 1

*So…where were these guys when Bae was being brought in?*

 

Hook: This map makes no sense…I don’t understand it at all!

 

Smee: *Actual dialogue* Milah was quite beautiful, wasn’t she?

 

Hook: Smee, you is a creepy creepy lurker.

 

Smee: I have such faith that you will avenge her death by murdering the man that murdered her Rumpelstiltskin, the husband she left.

 

Hook: Stop catching up the casual viewer on what they might have missed, Smee! It’s not getting you promoted and it’s not like any of us have forgotten why we’re here!

 

Hook: You keep nagging me and coming up behind me for no reason, then I will promote that kid below deck over you!

 

Hook: And remind me to put a hand railing here! I’m tired of slipping and falling overboard.

 

Hook: So, where do you think this kid is all about? He had a pretty sweet robe and he was in something he called his ‘jimmy-jams’ when we took him below. Who wears things to bed at night? Why not sleep nude like I do?

 

Smee: As do I captain.

 

Hook: ….

 

Hook: Okay Smee, there are things about your habits that I don’t ask about. But as the captain, I get to indulge mine whether you want to hear them or not.

 

Smee: You’re just jealous because I get more girls than you do!

 

Hook: That was one time, at one tavern, and I was passed out half the time so it doesn’t count!

 

Hook: Now are you going to go violate this kid’s personal space with me or what?

 

Smee: I guess…it’s not like I don’t have an actual job to do or anything…

 

Baelfire: How long have I been here?

 

Hook: That’s right you better open that door, Smee.

 

Hook: Hey you! Glad you’re awake and breathing…sorry, we couldn’t get you dry clothes….you’ll just have to air-dry I guess.

 

Baelfire: I’m on a boat!

 

Hook: Don’t you dare sing that song!

 

Baelfire: I sort of feel a bit silly…I showed the creature the light, and fell in the water, got knocked out and floated up…and neither the shadow nor myself ever saw your ship.

 

Hook: I guess the ship is just that fast!

 

Hook: I got a need for speed!

 

Baelfire: I don’t care! Pirates killed my mother!

 

Hook: I….didn’t ask.

 

Baelfire: And my cowardly father abandoned me!

 

Hook: *Gasp!* I know that guy!

 

Hook: What’s your name? I might know someone who might know someone who knew your mom.

Baelfire: I don’t answer to people who have better hair than I do.

 

Hook: Well I could make you tell me but to prove a point I’ll just ask politely again.

 

Hook: And then if you don’t answer me, I guess I’ll prove you exactly right and throw this entire ‘I’m not as bad as you think’ argument out the window….

 

Baelfire: My name is ‘up yours’

 

Hook: *Is stunned*

 

Hook: That’s exactly what Milah used to tell her husband every day to make him cry! It IS Bae!

 

Smee: Whoa. Apply cold water to that BURN!

 

Hook: Shut up Smee! OR I’ll make you clean out chamber pots!

Smee: I do that anyway!

 

Smee: That’s my blanket!

Hook: Not anymore!

 

Hook: Here ya go, kid. *Tosses*

 

Baelfire: *Is smacked in the face* Thanks jerk.

 

Hook: It’s a pirate’s life for you!

Baelfire: Can you NOT smile at me like that?

 

Henry: I feel….relief in the force of Storybrooke…as if one of the rivals for my mother’s affections has suddenly dropped off the face of this world.

 

Granny: Where was I the other times Henry needed someone to watch out for him so that Regina didn’t have to babysit or wipe his brain? And why am I suddenly guarding him the only time Regina’s been taken out?

 

Granny: Oh, there’s Gary, he owes me from breakfast. I better get that 3 bucks while I can…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmm, I just got this suit pressed.

 

Henry: *Is not enthused* Wheeee.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: What sort of idiot built a swing set around sharp rocks? And I thought the playground by the water was dangerous.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: That rope is breaking…Regina hasn’t taken care of things at all. I should warn him

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute….if we had this playground, then why on earth did we need another one in the middle of the woods for “Fruit of the Poisonous Tree”?

 

Charming: Hey Rumpel! Whacha doin’?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh just…hanging out with my grandson and the woman of my desires…

Granny: Keep back, bullseye!

Rumpelstiltskin: That attitude is why I’m a football field away while spending time with them.

 

Snow: Go ahead and go tell Henry about every horrible thing that happened. We’ll give Rumpel the lowdown ourselves.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiii Emma! I love watching you leave!

 

Charming: Yeech!

Snow: Rumpelstiltskin, as much as we hate to tell you this for reasons that will mean you hitting on our daughter more….your son and Tamara got into it…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: They breaking up? Charming, you owe me 20 dollars!

Snow: WHAT?!
Charming: We got…drunk when we went to the bar together and made a few bets…*Is awkward*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m taking Lacey to a fine establishment for dinner now!

Charming: Well you…won’t be able to make it a family affair because Bae got shot…

 

Emma: This is going to hurt me way worse than it hurts you, Henry.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…text me the room number and I’ll send a gift basket…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Or will there be need of…a gift basket? Or will people be sending gift baskets to me because it’s worse than a flesh wound?

 

Charming: If you’re asking if he’s dead…yeah…he totally is.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: WHAT?!

 

Charming: But you’ll save on funeral costs…because he fell through a portal right after that!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: He died by DRAMATIC IRONY TOO?!

Emma: I really hope that your body is shaking with sobs and not laughter, because I am NOT in the mood to handle this.

 

Emma: Oh Henry! You are sad!

Henry: I’m hugging you in joy!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: He wasn’t supposed to die!

 

Charming: Well, he totally did! If it makes you feel better, Emma said it was pretty rad….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh man, Granny’s overpriced lasagna is coming up…

 

 Snow: Well the time for mourning the death of your long lost son is over, we got more important things like a failsafe to worry about

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Seriously, can’t I have TWO MINUTES?!

 

Charming: No, we have the lives of everyone to focus on!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh well…frig the both of you then.

 

Charming: Hey! We need help.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, this wouldn’t have happened if you killed Regina the first five times like you were supposed to do! Instead you come running to me with your problems when you can’t fix them on your own and then disregarding what I say because it's 'sooooo meeeannnn'. so this time you’re going to have to fix it on your own because I’m sick of being treated like crap and going through things like you screaming at me to leave when I show up at your door just because I told your wife how to save me and your family and then when you bring the woman that tried to murder you into your own house and let her communicate with the eleven year old kid she wants to kill you guys for! But oh, you’re worried about the wellbeing of everyone are you? Well it doesn’t seem like it since you let the biggest threat to all of us walk free every day!

 

*Offended*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Whew! That felt good to get off my chest. I feel better about dying now.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I think I’m going to go have a picnic

 

Snow: Our problem didn’t get solved.

Charming: We can’t do anything adeptly without magical help! What are we supposed to do now?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Why don’t you ask the blue fairy since she’s been oh-so-useful!

 

*Offended*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, can I have a ride? I think I might’ve walked here. And how are all of you getting home in the truck?

 

Greg: There’s no signal down here….how am I supposed to update my Facebook status?

Hook: I’m sure ‘about to destroy innocent lives’ is a really good status that’ll get you a ton of likes.

 

Greg: So nice of the dwarves to create a mine map app.

 

Hook: So…a lot of people twittered me and amongst the several lewd requests that made even me blush…there was a ton that asked me to ask how this whole Home Office thing works.

 

Greg: That’s not your business!

 

Tamara: Hmph!

*Where did she go change?!*

 

Hook: Wait till season 3. Got it!

 

Tamara: Silence your Hookery snark!

Hook: I’d like to see you make me!

Tamara: This is why I didn’t want to bring you along!

Hook: How did you find me, anyway?

Tamara: Your ship is hard to miss! So is your nude sunbathing.

Hook: NO one would buy me swim trunks that fit! They were all too tight!

Greg: Oh God….

 

Greg: The Dopey one looks the toughest, but the pirate will never let me live it down if I grab that….

 

Hook: And you know what? I didn’t see you complaining when you barged onto my ship without asking if you could come aboard, okay?

 

Tamara: ….

 

Tamara: You know what?

 

Hook: No! I’m not marrying you!

 

Greg: Stop flirting with my woman!

 

Hook: I’m not!

 

Hook: *Checks out* Not while you have a pickaxe at least…

 

Tamara: Apparently this will destroy everything!

Greg: *Is considering pickaxing it out of her hand*

 

Hook: Big honkin’ diamonds being offered to me certainly destroyed everything in a relationship that I’ve ever been a part of.

 

Greg: It’s not a big honkin’ diamond! Stop calling it that!

 

Hook: *Wants to antagonize Greg*

 

Hook: Sure it is!

 

Greg: GREG SMASH!

 

Greg: Whoa!

Tamara: I didn’t think anything magical would happen with a magic failsafe!

 

Greg: Okay…if it does anything crazy…I’ll tackle it.

Hook: Hey yeah, you do that….

 

*Is flashed*

Hook: Oh my eyes! My beautiful eyes!

 

Hook: I’m BLIND!

Greg: Hey come back here! We want your word that you’re not going to go blab to anyone!

 

Hook: BLIND!

Greg: If you’re blind then how come you’re running so fast?!

 

Regina: Why isn’t Granny watching me? I’m the one that tried to kill them a few hours ago!

 

Regina: Oh, the peasants didn’t set my pillows right!

 

Henry: Oh crap, why’d you bring me here?

 

Regina: HENRY! LETTING ME NEAR YOU AFTER I JUST TRIED TO SLAUGHTER THE TOWN MAKES NO SENSE!

 

Snow: *Slips* Dangit Regina, if you’re going to drool in your sleep, mop it up!

 

Emma: It’s like a flood in here.

 

Regina: I have a problem.

 

Charming: A? A problem?

Snow: Really?

Emma: Wow.

 

Henry: So…I have to watch all of you die.

 

Regina: Oh, but you get to live! Yay!

Henry: I don’t think she’s ever going to get how I might be affected by mortality. It might turn me crazy.

 

Regina: I’m suddenly sorry.

 

Emma: Awful convenient that you’re sorry now that your backside is on the line too.

 

Henry: Mom! You KNOW we can’t actually hold Regina responsible for anything she’s done!

 

Emma: I’ll be waiting when you least expect it Regina.

 

Hook: Hey guys, I knocked but no one answered and that’s when I realized that the door was open and I was knocking on air.

Charming: Fake punch!

 

Hook: That didn’t even touch me, but the wind makes me want to sneeze!

 

Hook: Heh. Achoo.

Charming: Let me put in a third nostril.

Emma: Dad, I should be the one to remind you that YOU let him loose.

 

Charming: It’s okay Emma. Hook’s just jealous that he needs makeup, an earring, lots of leather, and a ship to get a girl and I got my girl just by getting beat up by her and going on an adventure.

Hook: Ooo, tough talk coming from a guy wearing a denim shirt and hand-me-down deputy badge that his daughter gave him because she felt bad!

 

Emma: Should I get the ruler so that you guys can measure them and see who’s more the man?

 

Hook: Be quiet, Emma!
Charming: Be quiet, Emma!

 

Emma: Daaaaad!

 

Emma: Hooook!

 

Hook: ….

 

Hook: Hey Emma, looking good since I last saw you beating my over the head with an umbrella stand.

 

Snow: *Is Sarcastic* Oh, has it been that long? It feels like time’s flown by.

 

Hook: I’ll take no sass from someone who has the same haircut as me!

 

Regina: Why isn’t anyone paying attention to me? I’m looking sad and everything!

 

Charming: Well, let’s go clean up Regina’s mess.

 

Charming: Again.

 

Emma: Okay, we’ll go summon the town…and by that, I mean like 10 people that we believe matter.

 

Hook: I’m one of those people right?

Hook: I don’t think I’m a fan of that silence!

 

Hook: *Is trolling Charming* Mm, hey Charming. I know where Emma gets her fire.

 

Charming: Stop that!

 

Regina: Henry…I’m sorry….that we got caught up in this and I’m going to die like everyone else and you’ll be alone…sort of like you would be if I had successfully kidnapped you.

 

Regina: I might believe this apology if my character had shown any regret beforehand other than regret at getting caught and Greg and Tamara stealing my idea, the plagiarists.

 

Henry: That’s nice. The town is about to explode!

 

Hook: I’m going to change sides again I this sappy apology doesn’t end.

 

Emma: Oh no, we’re not going to put as much focus on Bae’s death as we should because it’s once again, all about Regina and her flip flopping around.

 

Hook: *Is fake snoring*

 

Hook: Oh, my bad. Can we GO NOW?