115 - The Queen is Dead Part 3

Emma: Well, I threw Hook in the storage unit! He’s some other woman or cripple’s problem now!

Rumpelstiltskin: Move Bae! I can’t see the TV!

 

Baelfire: I’ll just…fluff up the pillows and make you comfortable…

Emma: That sign above me says ‘Hatters’ *Misses Jefferson*

 

Emma: Somehow Hook found out where we were and he followed us! He even bought a map! I don’t…know how he arranged all this in the few hours it had to take him, but he is good in quick situations!

 

Baelfire: That used to be what he told the ladies too.

 

Henry: What’s that mean?

Emma: Something we will NEVER talk about.

Baelfire: Dad, stop taking off your clothes. 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m sexy and I know it!

 

Henry: We can’t let my stepdad die! I won’t be happy!

Emma: I will!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, I can’t breathe!

Baelfire: Button this up! I don’t want Emma seeing what you have underneath!

 

Henry: I’ll get everything out with duct tape!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Listen to me! These are my final moments. You better play up those tears good because if I don’t get at least a kiss from your mom, I am coming back to haunt you and protect Bae!

 

Emma: Hey! What did I say about antagonizing grandpa when he’s on his deathbed?

Henry: *Sigh* To not to

 

Baelfire: Here! Have this random rag I found!

Emma: Now the battery’s dead. Friggin’ android. They told me the batteries would last more than just a day…you’d think I would’ve thought to charge it last night! And where did we all sleep?

Henry: If he dies, I get his cane!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh wonderful, Hook had mustard from his hot dog on his hook and he got it all over my new suit!

 

Emma: That sort of looks like poison…isn’t that a big risk? What happens if Hook had to scratch his nose or eye or there was a fly and he forgot which hand was which and he poisoned himself?

Rumpelstiltskin: There’s no antidote!

 

Emma: Well that’s even more stupid, what happens if he tripped and fell on his hook?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh…I’m feeling faint…I need someone to dress in a nurse costume and fix me.

 

Baelfire: I was a nurse in a play once! The costume is still in my closet!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Not you!

 

Baelfire: *Feelings are hurt*

 

Emma: Seriously, you’re the only one in the room that didn’t know who he was talking to.

 

Baelfire: Well…there’s only one way to handle this! Find Hook’s invisible boat and steer it home!

 

Emma: If magic can’t work outside Storybrooke, how is it still cloaked?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh God, I have to deal with Bae’s driving.

 

Charming: Oh honey, these turns weren’t made for this giant truck!

 

Snow: Mother superior! Check out my killer dance moves! *Is imitating*

 

Blue: I can sense a lot of dark magic is about to be unleashed! Don’t ask why I couldn’t just call you. Also do you have a coat for every day of the month or something? I’m starting to see where Emma gets it.

 

Charming: We need your help to find the dagger…but first do you think I could use your bathroom? Those pancakes are NOT liking me

 

Snow: How many blue stars do we have in this place?

 

Snow: Really, how exactly did I slip out of the palace by myself without anyone wondering where I was? I guess Johanna WAS A great seductress back in the day.

 

Blue Fairy: I’ve been waiting out here for twenty minutes, kid, let’s get his over with.

 

Snow: I thought you’d be taller.

 

Blue Fairy: And I thought you’d take less after your horrible no good servant trampling mommie dearest, but we can’t all have what we want, can we?

 

Snow: Hey! She bears that title proudly!

 

Blue Fairy: Oh, I know. I still taste the taste of flour when I get annoyed at royalty.

 

Snow: What?

 

Cora: Oh no! Darnit, I have to do this shape shifting thing better!

 

Snow: So mom’s dying and I need you to save her…if you don’t do what I say, you’re about to get a face full of Raid. Tee hee

 

Blue Fairy: Oh good…looks like the corrupting process is almost complete on its own.

 

Snow: What corrupting process? I’m naturally like this. Is my mom gonna die?

 

Blue Fairy: Oh yeah, start measuring her for her coffin right away. Make it a closed casket…no one wants to see that.

 

Snow: Uh…what’s this?

 

Blue Fairy: It’s a candle of death, just sacrifice someone’s life for your mom’s and she gets off scott-free like she always does, the tramp…her…I mean…she’ll live!

 

 Snow: Can I choose you to take her place?

 

Blue Fairy: No! This isn’t how that works!

 

Snow: *Is annoyed* Why not? If I chose you then I don’t have to hear the pesky peasants whining about what a cruel ruler I might grow up to be! Get over here!

 

Blue Fairy: You have to catch me first, midget

 

Snow: Oh don’t worry; I’ll have Rumpelstiltskin help me with that.

 

Blue Fairy: Look kid, I’m not dying for your smug self-righteous worthy of death mom, okay?

 

Snow: Oh…yes you are.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Emma! I need a hug!

Emma: I thought you said you wouldn’t hit on me anymore!

Rumpelstiltskin: I need a daughter in law hug!

Emma: Is that how we’re playing it now?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Pouts*

Emma: Hey, you done updating your twitter? Cause we gotta go!

Baelfire: In a minute, I’m still trying to get it reduced to 140 characters.

 

Emma: So…you’re both a lot older than you look, huh?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh geez, this rant again. Emma, you never asked me if I WASN’T 300 years old!

 

Emma: And what’s your excuse!

 

Baelfire: I…may be *Rubs hand over mouth while talking* - years old.

 

*Just realized she slept with a 200 year old man at the age of 17*

 

Emma: GAH! Henry!

Henry: Told you he wasn’t worth it. Call grandma and grandpa and let’s go home.

 

Emma: Uh….you know anything about Cora and Regina wanting to control your dagger?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Ew Emma, not in front of the child!

 

Emma: *Is exasperated* You know what I mean!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I hid it in a very secret safe spot that they can’t find.

 

Emma: Which means that you should tell me right away!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Emma, your parents couldn’t even hold onto you for five minutes after you were born, what makes you think they can hold onto the source of all evil?

 

Emma: Because I’m sure Cora and Regina are not following my family at all!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: We need to get you in something red and form fitting; I think that your Charming genes are showing.

 

Emma: Listen, you can’t die, the fans will riot.

Rumpelstiltskin: Let them!

 

Emma: Also, Henry might not like you croaking since he cares about you and stuff…and if it keeps you from dying on my watch…I can say that I care about you too.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Get that phone!

 

*Like anyone ever shops there*

 

Snow: Don’t have all day, Blue!

Blue: Just give me a minute.

Charming: What do we call other fairies that wear blue?

 

Charming: Nothing’s happening!

Blue: Shut up Charming!

 

Blue: Ow my hand! I can’t punch through a simple protection spell!

Snow: I’m sure my heart shaped gloves can punch through the spell AND your useless face!

 

Snow: Rumpelstiltskin is such a…MAN!

Charming: *Is jealous of how she said that*

Blue: I could punch anything I wanted….

 

Charming: I don’t…think she meant that.

 

Blue: Oh she meant it.

 

Snow: Well…this shouldn’t too hard….maybe it’s not in the most obvious place on earth.

Blue: My nails….

 

Snow: Time to summon up some of that good old Dark Magic!

 

Blue: Actually, I was just thinking that we locate Regina using a locator spell and then fairy bomb both her and her mother!

 

Snow: That makes sense! Which means we’re not going to do it!

 

Blue: ….

 

Snow: Any other suggestions?!

 

Charming: SH! Emma’s on the phone talking to me about very secret stuff!

 

Charming: WHAT?! It’s in the clock tower?!

 

Snow: I can’t believe we’re using my birthday flowers for my mom’s funeral.

 

Ava: Oh, there you are. You missed the will reading and everything. Also, I ate some of your cake.

 

Snow: The blue fairy told me to sacrifice someone to save you and I was going to but then I tripped on a branch and the candle went off a cliff and into the water below and I couldn’t get it done!

 

Ava: That doesn’t sound like Blue; normally she’s a boring goody goody.

 

Snow: Let’s kill her!

 

Snow: Squash her little head in!

 

Ava: That’s nice dear. Maybe when your dad gets home.

 

Snow: You can’t die! Who is going to help me find the Necronomicon when I get older?

 

Ava: Well, it’s not like I have much of a choice in this Snow, I’m just saying.

 

Snow: *Pouts* Fine.

 

Ava: Always rule with a kind heart…and don’t trip servant girls delivering flour…that’ll come back to bit e you in the most awful way.

 

Snow: You’re telling me this NOW?! That’s all I ever do!

 

Ava: Listen, if you pretend to be good then the kingdom will love you and that benefits you GREAT when you need a volunteering army.

 

Ava: Also if you come across someone that wants to kill you multiple times, then forgive them. Constantly. Like…to the point where it doesn’t even make sense anymore.

 

Snow: Yeah…okay, whatever.

 

Ava: *Dies*

 

Snow: Hm.

 

Snow: OMIGOD, I’M TOUCHING A DEAD BODY!

 

Snow: EW! EW! EW!

Johanna: It took more men to decorate the hall than are standing at the queen’s death bed right now, what on earth is with this show’s budget?!

 

Snow: STEPMOM!

 

Charming: This is so fun! It’s like a mini “Great Mouse Detective”! I always wanted to be Basil of Baker Street!

 

Snow: I’m not sure this is a completely good idea….

Charming: Oh tosh! What’s the worst that could happen? We lead them to it? I’m certain that they’re still digging in the middle of the forest like LOSERS!

 

Charming: *Giggles* Maybe they should’ve kept the Blue Eyed Blunder around for that before they betrayed him.

 

Charming: Hey, this can’t be his dagger! They spelled the name wrong!

 

Snow: No, it’s his. He was always more than happy to show me his dagger in college.

Charming: *blush*

Snow: Not like that!

Charming: Do you realize what this means?

 

Charming: it means I can make Rumpelstiltskin rub his tummy, tap his head and jump up and down. I still say that limp is a lie.

 

Cora: Ha ha, I see you forgot we can teleport. Hee hee.

 

Charming: Hey, do you guys mind going somewhere else? I don’t deal with double doses of boring in front of me. If I did, I’d listen to Emma tell stories about Aurora and Mulan

 

Regina: *Glare of immobility*

 

Cora: Who would’ve guessed that YOU TWO would muck up so badly?

 

Snow: Everybody actually. That’s why it’s a fake dagger.

 

Snow: *Rolls eyes*

 

Cora: I saw that! You’re lying.

 

Johanna: Um…this isn’t the Rabbit Hole to meet Geppetto….

Regina: And who is THIS?!

 

Johanna: We lived together in the palace! I knew you!

Regina: I would’ve remembered Mrs. Potts!

Cora: Hand over the dagger before I kill both of these people

 

Regina: Wait! I’m sympathetic and being played by my mom! Let me rip out Snow’s mother’s figure heart and squeeze it with the intent to possibly kill if they don’t give us the dagger….which we can just take.

 

Snow: That’s hideous! How about if I throw the knife in your skull! Does that count as giving it to you?

Charming: Well I wouldn’t think so….