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Monday, March 11, 2013

112: In the Name of a Brother Part 1

Not!Belle: This is so creepy! I don’t know who I am or where I am. And where’s the hottie that let me out of my cell!
Rumpelstiltskin:  Here Not!Belle, you don’t seem freaked out enough. Let me put my hand on your almost bare thigh to make sure you’ve gotten the proper Rumpelstiltskin freak out experience.

Hook:  Waking up on the side of the road; broken, broke, beat up, and two people are rolling around together on the side of the road? Oh man…what’d I do last night?!

Not!Belle: I’ve been SHOT and there’s a weird man standing over me!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Oh its fine, just let me see! *Grabs arm and pulls*
Not!Belle: What are you trying to force my right leg to do to your hip?

Rumpelstiltskin:  And there ya go! You’re healed!

Not!Belle: Seriously, bad touch!

Emma:  Who called us?

Not!Belle: *is flailing* BAD TOUCH!

Charming:  Unhand her, foul beast!
Rumpelstiltskin:  Belle! Put your skirt down! *Blushes*
Charming:  *Tackles*

Emma:  No wait…make that two ambulances…Rumpelstiltskin and Charming are rolling on the ground slapping each other…someone’s bound to get hurt.
Rumpelstiltskin:  HIIIIIIIII EMMA!
Emma:  I think I know who it’s going to be.

Charming:  You’re going in the slammer, buddy. Book him, Snow…-O
Rumpelstiltskin:  At least let me get in one more creepy grope!

Snow:  She doesn’t know who she is!
Not!Belle: My night couldn’t get any wor- I don’t know where you got that coat but it’s adorable!

Hook:  I…didn’t get beat up by a horseless carriage! I just wanted to stare at the night sky and this seemed like a perfect place to do it!

Emma:  Oh gross. You’re here.

Hook:  *Is insulted* How come every woman except Cora always says that?

Hook:  Hey Rumpel! I took your best friend AND your current girl! And next is going to be your second current girl and then I’m going to make your stepson like me more than you and then so will his grandparents and they’ll have me over for dinner!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Oh, you did not just threaten to take my hopes for a normal Thanksgiving with actual people in my house!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Henry could NEVER like you over me!
Emma: *Is annoyed*  Now Rumpel, you stop that!
Charming:  Unhand him, foul beast!

Charming:  Stop gripping with your thighs! Emma, are you even trying to get him?
Emma:  Totally! *Is lying*

Emma:  Rumpelstiltskin if you let him go then I’ll…consider going on a date with you!

Rumpelstiltskin:  DATE?!
Emma:  Oh crap, where did that come from?

Rumpelstiltskin:  DEAL!
Emma:  Oooo, lights.
Charming:  Yippee, I get to tell her mother about this whole new development…

Emma:  Whoa, a car crashes and it’s NOT driven by me!

Not!Belle: I don’t know who I am, but this skirt is awesome! It’s soaking wet out here but my skirt is pretty much dry. I must have good taste in clothes…
Snow:  So good thing Granny was passing by when we all decided to file out and get in the sheriff’s car…
Emma:  I know, right? Why did we have to rely on Regina to inexplicably watch Henry in “child of the Moon” when Granny seemed up for the job.

Snow:  What the- He’s-?!
Emma:  NORMAL?!

Greg: I don’t believe in magic, I swear!

Charming:  One of us will have to make sure he never talks…
Not!Belle: So…you were practically on top of me…
Rumpelstiltskin:  Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet!

 Charming:  Guys! Stop going forward! I was joking!

Victor:  This sucks. I can’t believe my life was better funded when I was butchering dead bodies.

Victor:  Wow…Nurse Ratchet put in WAY too much sugar for this tea…I’m going to have to talk to her about that.

Victor:  Certainly don’t miss the days when Regina would get lost and drunk and she’d mistake my room for Belle’s and peek in and smirk and freak me out as soon as I turned around.

*The Camera’s as drunk as he is.*

Gerhardt: I have to tell you dad, I can’t believe all these gifts are for me and no one thought to buy anything for Victor.
Alphonse: His gift budget was misplaced…I can’t figure out where….

Alphonse: Oh wait…I might’ve spent it on the booze.
Victor:  Well…at least you made a good investment…

Alphonse: So when are you going to give me grandchildren?
Gerhardt: I um…when the girls stop laughing at me because I have to go through the door sideways because of these shoulder decorations and I get promoted so I don’t have to wear white in the Black and White Storm World?

Gerhardt: Help me out here, brah.
Victor:  Oh no. I’m dating Igor’s smoking hot sister. You’re on your own.

Victor:  You could have their cousin, but she’s got two heads. It’s weird and awkward because they both never get along and refuse to date you at the same time.

Victor:  Here’s to me being happy!

Alphonse: Oh Victor, shut up. When you started coloring in my encyclopedia when you were a kid, I always knew that you were going to be my disappointing one. Thus far, you haven’t proven me wrong.

Victor:  But…I’m a doctor! Gerhard is just on the front of the Military Recruitment Brochures! That’s all he did! He just saved those kids from that fire because he ran in to grab them and they latched onto him!

Gerhardt: *Spit takes*

Victor:  Oh, was I not supposed to reveal that? My bad!

Gerhardt: Hm. Well I see it’s not the golf clubs that I hinted at for a year. Santa ISN’T real!
Victor:  Mommy’s watch!

Victor:  Dad! Stop paying for fake diplomas!

Victor:  I already graduated! You were there for the ceremony!

Victor:  Remember?

Victor:  You remember, right?

Victor:  Daddy?

Gerhardt: Dad! How could you!

Gerhardt: *Whispers* I don’t remember either.

Alphonse: I think we were both pretty drunk that day.

Victor:  *GASP!*

Victor:  I knew it! I’m going to go live with Igor’s family!

Alphonse: Just like you do every year!

Victor:  I mean it this time! AT least they let me have all the banana pudding I want!

Greg: I didn’t see a funny little rolling man holding strange pretty fireballs!
Emma:  More morphine!

Emma:  Coming through here people! Make way!
Paramedic: Stop it, Emma! You’re not on staff!
Emma:  Well geez, Red Robyn! Could’ve used you tonight!
Red Robyn: I was seeing to the children here and giving them a reason to smile!
Grumpy: I’m her sidekick!

Hook:  They made my restraints extra tight and it hurts!

Emma:  He’s responsible! He started everything!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Where’s my personal escort for when I come in here?

Charming:  Hey! For some reason that probably aligns with the assault, you can’t be here!
Red Robyn: And then I was all like, “You can’t be my sidekick, Jefferson! Everyone would know my identity!” and then he cried. I feel horrible.

Rumpelstiltskin:  Pfft, your biceps aren’t even that impressive. Think you can carry me out!? Red, tell them what happens when someone stands in my way.
Red Robyn: Like…you totally just gave away my identity!

Emma:  Belle can’t remember who she is, Hook is in town, Cora framed Regina AND Red is Red Robyn? This night is just FULL of surprises!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Wait…you lot didn’t know that Red was Red Robyn?!  I thought it was bloody obvious!
Red Robyn: That’s because we role-played it the week we were married!
Emma:  TMI!

Charming:  Now you stay there or I will purple nurple you SO HARD!
Emma:  That’s….my dad.

Victor:  Guys!…stop trying to bring your problems in on my centric episode!

Victor:  Stupid dad! Me storming out might be more effective if I didn’t live with him!

Gerhardt: Brah…have you seen my umbrella?!

Victor:  Well I don’t know where you left it, Gerhardt, maybe you left it in the car like you leave everything!

Victor:  I have everything you don’t. A good recurring role, an accent, brilliance, good looks, an assistant, an assistant’s smoking hot sister…and dad still doesn’t love me!

Victor:  Well, he’ll put in those chips for you and…well I’ll just laugh and see where THAT goes.

Gerhardt: *Is Sad* Brah…you don’t mean that.

Victor:  I’m going to Igor’s house and I’m rebelling by eating Mac N’Cheese.

Rumpelstiltskin:  I KNEW if I just randomly hid out in the bushes, I’d pick up on something good!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Can’t believe it took half a year though…..
*Once my family had an imp problem in our shrubbery…things are a pain to get rid of and they never looked like Robert Carlyle*

Rumpelstiltskin:  Quite the snore on you still…

Rumpelstiltskin:   Hm….since I haven’t freaked her out NEAR enough for today, I think I’ll stand over her so that I’m the first one she sees. It’ll either terrify her or make her fall for me…in our case; I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s both.

Rumpelstiltskin: …..
Not!Belle: ……

Rumpelstiltskin:  Maybe I’m not close enough…

Not!Belle: Mm…what smells like sex and old spice?

Not!Belle: WHAT THE FRIG?!
Rumpelstiltskin:  Belle! Don’t play hard to get!

Rumpelstiltskin:  We used to do this to each other all the time when I was holding your prisoner!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Back when….

Rumpelstiltskin:  *Flees while sobbing*

Hook:  Who undressed me?!

Emma:  I can’t believe they put a robe on before I got to see him in the open back gown…for police business! For police business!
Emma’s Inner Dialogue: Stupid thin robe is NOT thin enough!

Hook:  I want jello!

Hook:  Ooooooo cuffs!

Hook:  Wait….you’re not Cora are you?

Emma:  Is that what you wake up and ask all the girls?

Hook:  You have NO idea….

Emma:  That’s very flattering! Seems Neverland certain taught you a lot of things on how to treat women!

Hook:  Not really, Tigerlily and Tinkerbell used to smack my head with cricket bats!

Hook:  Oh wait, that was sarcasm…

Hook:  I…missed you! *Eye!sex*

Emma:  That might’ve worked if I didn’t spend the better part of the year building my defense up against creepy older men undressing me with their eyes.


Hook:  NO! NOT TICKLI- Ow, my internal bleeding!

Emma:  It’s funny making you wriggle in blinding agony!!

Hook:  I suppose I’ll just have to try harder to get you to like me! 

Hook:  Will you dress as a nurse and take care of me?

Hook:  Especially the stockings….

Emma:  Only if you put a paper bag over your head and jump in the ocean.

Emma:  And stay under.

Hook:  Is this about that whole Belle thing?

Hook:  She didn’t mean anything to me!

Emma:  Yeah…I saw that when you put a bullet in her shoulder.

Hook:  Why are you so pissy about that? You should feel sorry for me! I got hit by a car!

Emma:  And by a library cart and by an oar and by Mr. Gold’s cane….it really hasn’t been your 24 hours, has it?

Hook: ….

Hook:  You’re just having fun with this, aren’t you?!

Emma:  Tell me Hook…were you just running with Milah so that you didn’t have to tell anyone that the floor was really your true love? Cause you seem to meet with it a lot!

*Is smug*

Hook:  Keep laughing! Wait till I get out of these and run around freely! I mean-

Hook:  *Sniffles* I ache all over.

Emma:  And another thing…

Hook:  *Is punched* My abdomen!

 Charming:  Have you tried 1234?

Snow:  Yes! I’ve tried 1234! And 4321! I’m all out of ideas!

Charming:  Here Grumpy…want a new phone?
Grumpy: No! It’s an android!
Red Robyn: Like…I’ll take it if you don’t want it!

Grumpy: Give it to me!

Emma:  Hey guys. I was mocking Hook a lot! What’d I miss?

Emma:  Oh hey, 5678 was his password!
Red Robyn: Like...Oooooo
Snow:  Oooooo

Emma:  A few non-existent numbers….

Emma:  Happy pictures….

Snow:  What is this normalcy thing?!
Charming:  He’s so boring!

Emma:  Oo! That Veal Parmesan looks delicious….It just occurred to me that I’m probably going to be here all night trying to find out Hook’s plan…and I’m hungry.

Red Robyn: Like….give me a kendo stick and leave him in an empty room and I’ll handle him!

Emma:  Just leave the um…interrogations to me okay?!

Red Robyn: Wait…are you going to flirt with him?!
Emma:  ….No!
Snow:  I disapprove of that!
Charming:  I don’t want to bond with my daughter so I have no say!

Red Robyn: Like…we have normal people here now?! That’s bull! They’re going to want to come live at our crazy cheap houses! Rumpelstiltskin forgot to set this curse for inflation!

Emma:  Well if I’d known that, I would’ve bought my own darned house!

Grumpy: You said that I could have that phone!
Red Robyn: What if another crime fighter comes here? I can’t compete with that!

Snow:  And we have to deal with Cora being here! And the fact that Regina completely abandoned Henry and none of us knows where she is!

Emma:  I still have gravel stuck in me from where I was thrown!

Snow:  We could always kill him!

Emma:  Yeah, because THAT’S a solid plan! Tone your Mary down!

Victor:  Hey guys…long time no see! Can you believe it’s been seven episodes already?!

Victor:  I’m Frankenstein by the way!

Emma:  You can’t be Frankenstein! You’re not European enough!

Victor:  *Sobs* My accent left me!

Rumpelstiltskin:  I’ve had a lot of stress for the past 24 hours! I’m going home! And having a green and purple bubble bath! 

Victor:  But you can save a life!

Emma:  Do it or I’ll glare at you!

Rumpelstiltskin:  You know what Emma, it’s not like you ever wanted me anyway! Why should I help any of you!

Emma:  Because it’s what…Jiminy would want!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Oh! Are you using my bestie…I mean- best friend to manipulate me into doing what you want?

Rumpelstiltskin:  I’ll have you know that he’s currently in therapy with himself because a couple of someones didn’t make sure to keep Hook and Cora separated from us! Not saying any names but they rhyme with Foe and Gemma!

*Feels bad*

Rumpelstiltskin:  So thank you all for ruining a nice evening! I HAD planned on going to the gym and gone rock climbing!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Now I’m just going to have to judo chop innocent people!

Emma:  Drama queen!

Rumpelstiltskin:  Byyyyeeee Emma! Possibly forever!

Victor:  What just happened?
Emma:  I think he broke up with me…
Charming:  I knew I could scare him away…

Victor:  So…does that mean you need a new point on your love triangle?


  1. I love this, especially your lampshading of Rumple Freakout Experience, the everyone -> Cora and the Charming/Emma issue.

    On the other hand, wait a minute. Archie is shell-shocked, Jefferson is happily married to his not-quite distaff counterpart, and Rumple just stormed out. That means... Hook is Emma's only Love Interest ?

    And Red Robyn's secret identity is revealed ?

    AND Belle The Badass Bookworm is bot exceptionally tolerant of Rumple anymore ?


  2. A lot of lines made me giggle, but this one made me lol:
    Hook: Why are you so pissy about that? You should feel sorry for me! I got hit by a car!
    Emma: And by a library cart and by an oar and by Mr. Gold’s cane….it really hasn’t been your 24 hours, has it?