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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Manhattan Part 1

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Milah! Wonderful news! We won the lottery!

Milah: You picked up the milk? Please tell me you did or I’m going to have to exile you to the couch again!

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope! Even better! I’m getting called into the army! So your hopes of me going off to die might actually come true!

Rumpelstiltskin: But- but just in case…will you teach me how to box? I got my guard up and everything.

Milah: I don’t see you lasting that long. You’ll probably end up falling on a sledgehammer or something…

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll watch all the reruns of Walker Texas Ranger tonight! Just so I can take down those Ogres no matter the numbers or skills!

*So nice that the duke has people to decorate those drafts. No wonder the idiot was losing the war*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is squeeing* Round house kicking time!

Milah: You couldn’t have done this BEFORE I agreed to marry you?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…I know that I could get hurt…but don’t worry honey, I’m not afraid!

Rumpelstiltskin: As long as I have your love guiding me, I know I won’t’ get hurt!

Milah: You know what I would love? To be an honorary war widow…that way you will have finally been useful! Your death would be a goldmine!

Rumpelstiltskin: ….

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m beginning to see why your family was more than eager to part with you.

Milah: Well honey…as my father used to say…break a leg.

Rumpelstiltskin: I am SO happy that you are supportive!

Milah: So glad I just didn’t say ‘neck’.

Rumpelstiltskin: Except…you just sort of did.

Emma: Rumpelstiltskin, you do NOT have to sit this close to me.
Rumpelstiltskin: I saw a stain in my seat.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh gross, thanks for letting me off in the drainpipe!

Rumpelstiltskin: Henry, pay the man!
Henry: You’re the boss!

Emma: Are you SURE we’re in Manhattan?
Rumpelstiltskin: How should I know? I’ve never been here before! That’s why I brought you!
Henry: I’m here with my mom and step dad!

Emma: We’re in Canada aren’t we?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Just realized they flew the wrong way*

Rumpelstiltskin: Let’s just pretend that it’s Manhattan, okay?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I was hoping to dangle off the Statue of Liberty and play King Kong on the Empire State Building! 

Regina: And so then…Henry and Charming double teamed me and knocked me down a flight of stairs and claimed that I should redeem myself before they both ran out of the house laughing! I don’t know why they did that! I only emotionally blackmailed Henry by throwing away members of the town a little!

Cora: Really? We’re hearing you whine about Henry yet again when we could’ve fit in a makeover montage for me in place of it? With me reacting to all the technology with cheesy 90’s music in the background?

Regina: But he should be with meeeeeeee, why don’t they get that?

Cora: Maybe because you just sent a giant after them, honey. They might not know that yet but they’re eventually going to figure it out.

Hook: WHY do I have to sleep in the kid’s room? My feet hang off the bed!

Hook: Oh, this room’s nice; I could always stay in here…

Cora: Sweet babboo! This is my daughter’s room!
Regina: Did she just say ‘sweet baboon?’

Hook: I don’t mind being naked roommates!

Regina: Sorry Hook, you actually want me and I NEVER go for those types. Husbands, boyfriends, or children to mother.

Hook: Why don’t ‘I’ get a nice suit?

Regina: Get out of my bedroom!

Hook: In a minute! I’m smelling what a girly room smells like again!

Cora: Hey sweet baboo!

Hook: Well that moment’s ruined. Now I’ll always imagine nice pretty rooms owned by nice pretty women with CORA. My life is officially miserable

Cora: Well if that’s the case then I’ll put myself in front of my daughter so that you can associate her with me and little hairy smirking babies aren’t born!

Hook: Don’t look at Cora…don’t look at Cora…

 Henry: Well, I’m not seeing anyone that has ‘keep out Rumpelstiltskin’ on their button. Are you sure he’s here?

Emma: Nope. Globe must be defective. Let’s go home!

Rumpelstiltskin: I suppose we COULD pick the gate lock and go door to door if we wanted to….my globe is never faulty.
Emma: How did you know exactly where he was?
Rumpelstiltskin: Never faulty!

Henry: Well, it’s not a completely wasted trip. We could always find a nice hotel room for you two to snuggle up in! Just as long as I get a Jacuzzi!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is considering it*
Emma: *Is not*

Emma: There! He lives there in the empty apartment number! And I know that because I’m a bail bondsman and not because I’m desperate to get back home!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is disappointed*

Baelfire: Mmfph, what?
Emma: Get your butt out here! Your dad’s waiting!

Baelfire: I uh…um…what’s that over there?
Emma: Huh?
Baelfire: *Click*

Henry: Good thing I don’t have to worry about him being cleverer than me and winning my step daddy’s heart.

Emma: Ohhh no! I’ve had enough of your shipping! I’m going home!

Baelfire: What a perfect time to remember I hate heights!

Rumpelstiltskin: THAT’S MY BOY! Your favor is to get him to talk to me!

Emma: No it’s not! I wanna go home! I don’t want to spend any more time with you! And I thought my favor was to help you find him! Are you going to milk this?!

Rumpelstiltskin: HIIIIIIIIII BAE!

Baelfire: I’ll run in the middle of the street! That’ll make them lose me!

Emma: That’s what you think Bae! I used to jog in heels and a dress just for people like you!

Emma: I can hear your terrified whimpers from here!
Extra: *Is practicing the moonwalk*

Baelfire: Oh curse this wet concrete!
Emma: *Trips over Bae*

Emma: Oh please let my stockings be undamaged!


Baelfire: Oh, heeeyyyyyyyy Emma!

Emma: No…it can’t be….

Emma: I did my beloved fiancé’s kid?!

Baelfire: So…fancy running into you of all people…

*Is mentally heaving*

Baelfire: It’s like…destiny designed it or something…

Baelfire: So…how about you and I take this giant wheel behind us for a spin or something? And by that, I mean go out for drinks? Because I’m over you, just so you know…not that that’s significant or anything…

Emma: *Just realized her son’s grandfather was her fiancé for a while*

Baelfire: Why are you standing there looking at me like that? Do I have something in my teeth?

Emma: *Is mentally dancing that she’s not engaged to Rumpelstiltskin anymore, because this might be awkward*

Emma: Are you Rumpelstiltskin’s son?

Baelfire: Oh, that guy? Um…no. Never met him.

Emma: You’re not freaking out by that question! You know who he is and so you’re from there!

Baelfire: Darn it Emma, your clever questions bested me again!

Emma: So you threw me in jail because of your daddy issues and you knew that I’d end up going to Storybrooke where he was and you didn’t care that I might be in danger of him?!

Baelfire: Better you than me, cupcakes!

Emma: I waited in Tallahassee for two years for you!

Baelfire: Oh…well now I sort of feel bad…


Baelfire: Oh! Emma! Don’t make that face! That was terrifying!

Baelfire: I Need a drink now…
Emma: I can't go for a drink with you! I left my…bunny in the care of your dad…

Baelfire: Oh don’t worry about that, he’s terrified of rabbits. He’ll probably be on the other side of the room away from it

Emma: My family is so frigged up!

Rumpelstiltskin: Always be on your guard, Henry. I want your mother to see us bonding.

Henry: Which will make you irresistible. Got it!

Rumpelstiltskin: You learn quickly little one. I admire that in a protégé.

Rumpelstiltskin: Though I am surprised that you’re still eating. Didn’t you just plow through a box of Cinnabons?

Henry: I would’ve shared. You’re the only person on this show that treats me like I was right and special the whole time and you’ve never lied to me…considering everyone else on this show, that’s like a bonus.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm…I wonder what’s taking Emma so long.

Henry: Well you texted her 17 times in 20 minutes…I don’t think she’s going to pick up.

Rumpelstiltskin: This is your first rule of romancing a woman, Henry…always know where she is. If not then she could be running off with pirates or ripping her own heart out so that she can be queen or getting caught by your enemies while you believe she’s dead…

Rumpelstiltskin: And ALWAYS wear leather pants.

Henry: *Is absorbing every word* My mom still talks about you in her diary…usually not so nice words follow it but she still thinks about you.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Day is made* That’s my little spy.

Henry: Now how about you start paying that little spy and I’ll let you know everything else she says about everyone.

Rumpelstiltskin: You drive a hard bargain there child…how do I know you aren’t making it up?

Henry: Because I made photocopies of everything she’s said.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well done my protégé, you and I shall discuss payment at a time in which Emma can’t sneak up on us and conveniently hear everything.

Henry: *Adores his teacher* I have learned so much because of you.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I you…today shall be a great bonding day!

Baelfire: I refuse to bond with my dad.

Emma: Listen…if you don’t go and bond with him then he’s going to be upset and that means he’s going to hit on me even more and I can’t have that.

Baelfire: Not my problem. I don’t owe you anything. I left a car and 20,000 dollars for you.

Emma: What 20,000 dollars?!

Baelfire: The twenty thousand I told motorcycle writer man to leave you!

Baelfire: But he did say he was bad at saying ‘no’ to temptations…so maybe that was stupid of me.

Emma: I spent 11 months of my life in prison because you set me up!

Baelfire: Emma, I did the math…can you pay for the drinks? My rent’s due.

Emma: …..

Baelfire: Also that was eleven years ago! It’s not like you lost anything! Move on, woman.

Emma: You got told by a giant walking tree to let me go to prison and you went with it?

Baelfire: Well, it’s not completely like that….

August: Hey Neal…what’s in the box!

Neal: Please don’t be Emma’s head; please don’t be Emma’s head…


Emma: He couldn’t just say that?! August the drama queen!

Baelfire: See what I had to put up with? I had no choice. He chased me to an alleyway, tackled me, climbed on top of me from behind and talked about being friends or something. It was creepy!

Emma: *Is trying not to cry over how screwed up her life really is on account of Pinocchio for like, the third time*

Baelfire: Well Emma, thanks for the drink…but I think it’s time I go get some changes of address forms because I am NOT living here anymore.

Emma: And I get to deal with your father’s temper. Oh good, letting me take the fall for your poor choices yet again!

Emma: Not that I’m bitter.

Emma: But I’ll send my funeral bill to you…or my wedding invitation. Depends on which avenue we go down…they could be similar for me.

Baelfire: Well, as long as you don’t invite me.

Emma: And I thought my immediate family and I had issues.

Baelfire: Well my dad killed people…yours only seemed to kill in self-defense. So I figure…what better solution than to stay away and let him ruin more lives while he chases me around the world?

Baelfire: So if you could lie to him and say you lost me, that’d be super.

Emma: Yeah because that’ll benefit me REAL well when he realized I lied!

Baelfire: Well, do better at lying then!

Emma: Not everyone can be you, Neal.

Baelfire: Oh, felt that burn.

Emma: And you can pay for your own untouched drinks.

Baelfire: Can I have my necklace back? It was supposed to be a keychain and now you broke it.

Emma: It’s better!

Baelfire: I spent good energy stealing that for you and you went and turned it into a necklace.

Baelfire: Tamara’s going to love it!

Emma: I hope it turns her neck green!

Baelfire: Well aren’t we being petty!


  1. I love how you forgot that in the Tallahassee abridged, there was nothing in the box.

  2. Oh I remembered. but it was such a downer in the show that it might as well have been nothing.

  3. Also, I laughed when Bae said "Heeeeeeeyyy Emma" it was just like his dad LOL. I expect more of those.

  4. You're not a fan of Pinocchio, are you?

  5. This is so funny : One of the best episodes of your abridged in a long time.