211 - The Outsider Part 1

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m never sure about this thing…I hate it when Leroy and the dwarves troll everyone by moving where the line should be.

 

Smee: Um…thanks for leaving me in here for weeks!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t want Emma and Archie and Belle to find you when we went to the basement for Dance Dance Revolution. That would be awkward.

 

Smee: Listen, if it makes you feel better at all, Maurice slipped me 20 bucks…and why aren’t you taking this out on him? He’s the one that had her kidnapped!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Forgot about Moe* I um…no one knows where he is. But when I find him I should let you know that he’s next!

 

Smee: *Bodyslams himself* I’m not moving!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, that looked like that hurt, are you okay?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, give me your fantastic hat first, I want to wear it…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: On second thought…never mind.

 

Smee: My grandmother gave that to me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You were a big headed kid then…

 

Smee: I had issues….

 

*Is sparkling*

Smee: Oh my gracious! You turned my hat into a Twilight vampire!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I am NOT that heinous. I just washed it for once.

 

Smee: If I can’t see you, then you can’t hurt me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Get over there!

*Uses bad leg*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is making that face to hide the screaming agony he is currently in*

 

Smee: *Is throwing a tantrum* I won’t lose my memories! You can’t make me!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh for heaven’s sakes…get up!

 

Smee: I’d like to see you come over here and make me.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You gotta cross over this line sometime, dude and I’m going to be here when you do it. I won’t even blink!

 

*Is watching*

 

*Isn’t blinking*

 

Smee: Wow, that’s fantastic! We could take that on the road! You’d make a great single freak show!

 

*Is starting to struggle*

 

Smee: Can you let me go now?

Rumpelstiltskin: Sure! I don’t have any experiments to run on you for a while! Just don’t tell the sheriff or any of your friends where you’ve been!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Or I’ll take your hat permanently

 

Smee: *Is horrified*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait! Where are you going?

 

Smee: *Is sobbing hysterically*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Blinks* THANK GOD!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Trolling people is fun!

 

*They misspelled ‘Random Nobody’*

 

Snow: So…lousy turnout…shame that Jiminy was such a pillar of the community

 

Snow: I mean, what the heck? Surely more than the important people should’ve come! Rumpelstiltskin I understand, when I called him up and asked him if he was coming, he started sobbing on the phone and went into a speech about how he only pretended to hate the things Jiminy wanted to do because they played off each other so well!

 

Snow: Their friendship was odd….

 

Pongo: Tell me about it…

 

Emma: Hold me up kid; I’m barely awake from crying all night.

Henry: This would’ve never happened if you just dated Rumpelstiltskin.

Emma: I’m not sure one would affect the other.

 

Snow: So stay strong when you’re hopping in the sky Jiminy and always know that you were the one boyfriend for Emma that we approved of! Even if you were the second oldest man in Storybrooke!

 

Belle: Why am I here? I didn’t know him!

Red: So nice of Grace to go hunting, skin me her kill, and then give it to me. I only found eight poisoned needles in there…that crazy kid!

 

Snow: The worst part about all this is that Random Nobody and Fish Nobody can’t be found either and they’re the undertakers! Someone’s getting fired!

 

Charming: There there, quell your fury for a day…there’s food at home….

Emma: Come on Henry, there’s a pillow to be sobbed in with my name on it.

Henry: Next to Mr. Gold’s?

Emma: Dangit Henry! No!

Henry: It’s a sign I tell you!

 

Geppetto: Nice of them to get the gravestone all ready in like…the last couple of days….

 

Snow: *Wails*

Charming: Snow, is this going to take long? I’m one of the ones that have to lower his coffin…

 

Geppetto: Hey…sorry about not sticking your umbrella in there with you…

 

Geppetto: But it was top of the line so I kept it for myself. It’s what you would want.

 

Geppetto: What are all you whippersnappers looking at?

 

Red: Like…oh Geppetto!

Belle: Who is that?

Grumpy: Do you think Blue’s on the dating market?

Hook: SHUT UP! I can’t hear myself sleep over your terrified screaming!

 

Hook: Seriously, I need my beauty rest, okay?

 

Hook: Because I’m at the point where this is all I got going for me…

 

Jiminy: I’d believe it.

 

Hook:  *Is insulted*

 

Jiminy: Seriously! Why are you harping about a dagger? Do you think Rumpelstiltskin just came over and said…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Jiminy

 

Jiminy: What?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Want to hear about the only thing that can kill me?

 

Jiminy: No! Why would I want to know that? You’re too important to me to know you’re weakness and one day I might get captured by your enemy and tortured and I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt you!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is happy* You’re the best, Jiminy!

 

*Is proud*

 

Hook: I can’t figure out what I’m getting wrong when it comes to finding out what people know about Rumpelstiltskin…and how do I know about the dagger? Well I guess Cora could’ve told me but how would she know? Did Rumpelstiltskin tell her? Were they romantically involved?

 

Hook: OH! EW! EW! I just imagined it! I’m throwing up in my mouth! 

 

Jiminy: Ew! So did I!

 

Jiminy: *Is pouting* Thank you very much for that! I don’t suppose you have brain bleach on this oversized lifeboat…

 

Hook: I ran out of it the first week Cora was here. She wants all that I have to offer….

 

Hook: Would you believe that I’m older than her and it’d be considered robbing the cradle?

 

Archie: Whoa! You’re getting way too close for comfort here! Stop taking moves from Jefferson, you poser!

 

Hook: I can see up your nose!

 

Hook: Hey, wanna be my therapist and hear my feelings since Rumpel took my hand? Oh, and Milah too?

 

Archie: NO!

Belle: Hey! What do you want? Don’t you know that I’m trying to run a library here?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle! Did you bring me something to eat from the wake? You promised you would!

 

Belle: I just told you that so you’d stop crying and let me go to the funeral!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s my Belle. I would’ve gone but I could hardly find the energy to get out of bed, I was crying so hard. And then I heard that Emma was going to be there and I’m pretty sure that would’ve been awkward. I’m serious; Jiminy once told me that if I flirted with anyone at his funeral, he would haunt me. We had those discussions.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, I can cross the border.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* Jiminy gave me this bag!

 

Belle: So…can I go with you? See if Bae’s worthy enough to be called my stepson?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…this is the awkward thing….I sort of kind of maybe promised Emma that she could go unintentionally with a whole ‘favor’ thing….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Giggles* She’ll be so surprised!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: But I’m certain that if you stay here someone won’t target you!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Turn away Belle. I don’t want you to see my combination.

 

Belle: *Is jealous* I already know its Emma’s measurements…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is the only thing I have that I can wear of Bae’s…his tramp mother who wished me dead made it and I almost threw it in the fire along with everything else she ever made but unfortunately Bae was wearing it like a cape that night and I couldn’t very well throw HIM into the fire too…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And coincidently enough, I only have enough for one person…sort of wish I hadn’t wasted some of it on Smee.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Sort of wish Milah had chosen a different color though…this is going to clash with everything I wear…Belle, don’t touch it!

 

Belle: Why can’t you just conjure more?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Um…uh…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Because this is my journey and mine alone!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Checks to see if she bought it*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now leave, I have to do my vocal exercises so that I can bring my very best ‘hiiiii Emma’ to convince her to go with me!

 

Belle: Well it’s better than Regina…I guess.

 

Belle: Aw heck, no it’s not.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Yep! No one will EVER thing to look in the safe that everyone knows about in the building that everyone breaks into!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe I should’ve closed the windows…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Aw…that’s my little thoughtless Rumpel….

 

Rumpelstiltskin: And if anything happens to me…you can have that weird lamp in the corner. …

 

Belle: YES!