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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Manhattan Part 2

Rumpelstiltskin: Stupid Milah. I told her to send me my long john’s! Not my bathing suit!

Random Soldier: Oh…man this sword is duller than David Nolan’s personality. Hey random soldier! I need you to watch a prisoner!

Rumpelstiltskin: But I was…on my lunch break.

Random Soldier: Too bad! No Italian for you! I’m going to take it….and you can watch this creepy – er…I mean beloved child over here…

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t even LIKE kids!

Random Soldier: Perfect! You’re just the guy we need! That way you won’t bond with the little abomination of nature.

Random Soldier: Also, you SHOULD go to the armory and get a chainmail hood like what I got.

Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible. It would mess up my hair.

Rumpelstiltskin: So…kid…seen any good shows lately? Cause you couldn’t beat the ‘90’s cartoons. I’m just saying.

Rumpelstiltskin: Fine…don’t talk to me.

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t want to have a nice conversation anyway.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, are you breathing under there!?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh gross! I didn’t sign up for that!

*Shoves closed*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Peeks* What’s up with your face?

Seer: Can I get some water please? They seem to think that I’ll be more helpful if I haven’t drank anything for days. These men are cruel.

Rumpelstiltskin: Or maybe you just freak them out. Have you looked in a mirror lately? Oh wait, sorry…

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh that’s creepy! I really didn’t sign up for that!

*Shoves closed again*

Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, I’m curious.

Rumpelstiltskin: So…how about your eye hands? How does that work? How do you cook? Or…eat? Or…use the bathroom? Papercuts must be agonizing.

Seer: Are you done?

Rumpelstiltskin: What happens if your vision sucks? Do you get little contact lenses? Or monocles?

Seer: I see many things…things that were…things that are…and some things that have not yet come to pass…

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Galadriel, I know you watched that on Fellowship of the Rings Extended.

Seer: Which will be your son’s favorite movie!

Rumpelstiltskin: What son? Milah won’t let me touch her unless she’s extremely drunk and bored…which…happens every night now that I think about it…

Seer: Yeah. I know. Thank you very much for actions that give me THOSE visions!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well don’t peek into my life you little pervert!

Seer: Won’t be much of a life left if you go out on the battlefield tomorrow.

Rumpelstiltskin: Lucky for me, I got some vacation time saved up…and I plan on cashing it in now.

Rumpelstiltskin: Here…have some water.

Seer: This is tap water, isn’t it?”

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, wanna come hang with me if we desert this army tomorrow? If anything, you’ll freak Milah right out.

Seer: Thanks but I plan to be elsewhere while you’re off making sure your kid becomes FATHERLESS. Just saying.

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s what you think! I’m going to use my super Chuck Norris abilities to win the war!

Seer: Hard to do that on one leg, hobbles.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not hobbling! I just have blisters!

Seer: I see all!

Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t freak me out if I’m not looking at you!

*Dang it, not a close-up!*

Snow: *Is struggling not to throw up* So, we’re all related to Rumpelstiltskin now?

Emma: That’s all you got out of that?

Emma: The guy that left me in prison is the son of the man that used me as a pawn! Is jackassery genetic? Because I think I see the similarities!

Snow: I’m not sure…but then again it seems like I taught the same class every day for 28 years, so you might want to consult someone who is actually qualified there.

Emma: I can’t do that! I just left Henry with his creepy grandfather and they’re probably bonding and Rumple’s thinking about kissing me and if I freak out and punch him then he’ll know something up.

Snow: Or…you could just tell him the truth!

Emma: The last time I told him I didn’t want to be romantically involved because his son might be my baby’s father, he laughed and asked what the chances were of that actually happening! If I try it again then he’ll just believe I was up to old tricks.

Snow: Well, look on the bright side…he might stop seducing you if he actually believes you!

Emma: I don’t see that happening. I think annoying me is as addicting as magic is to him.

Rumpelstiltskin: Does this ring have any significance?

Henry: So…about Bae…he won’t…replace me will he? Because that might end in a very unfortunate manner.

Rumpelstiltskin: Henry, I’m not sure anyone could replace you.

Rumpelstiltskin: And since your mother’s been gone for so long, she’s either in jail because she was dragging him back, she’s looking for him, or they’re hitting it off in a bar somewhere.

Henry: Oh, that last part won’t happen. I’ll sabotage it before I lose you as a step daddy.

Rumpelstiltskin: Thanks Henry. I still have that room with the balcony saved for you, you know.

Rumpelstiltskin: And it’s my favorite room, so that should tell you how much your evilness means to me

Rumpelstiltskin: But we’re not bringing in your horse to live with us. Once I kept the horse in the castle because the stables fell over and I regretted that for months.

Rumpelstiltskin: You know…sometimes I think about adopting you too since there’s no way Regina’s adoption of you was legal.

Henry: Really?! I could honestly be Henry Gold?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Sure, if Emma realizes that she still has feelings for me and dating Archie’s only going to break both their hearts!

Rumpelstiltskin: I think that it’s time you and I sabotage this little relationship they have. Archie can have Belle. They can sing about books and guiding consciences all they want to now that she has no idea who I am...

Henry: But I like Archie.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I like him too Henry, that’s why I’m doing this.

Rumpelstiltskin: But you must ask yourself…, ‘would I like him as a step daddy?”

Emma: There’s no corrupting going on, is there?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiii Emma! You look sweaty!

Emma: Yeah, your son got away or something…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Checks out while sobbing*

Emma: Stop that!

Not!Belle: Hard to believe it’s been less than 24 hours since I got shot.

Regina: Hey jailbait, been cradle robbed lately?

Not!Belle: Ew. You smell like smug.

Regina: And you smell like hospital. Seriously, when are you going to get up and take your life back? Oh wait, never mind, you can’t!

Not!Belle: I think I’m going to call the nurse…

Regina: I killed the nurse. Long story but I like to do that.

Not!Belle: Ew, why?

Regina: For no reason other than I can.

Not!Belle: You’re kind of creepy…can you leave? My stories are about to come on and strangely enough, that’s all I can remember.

Regina: Hey, would you like to hear how I’m justified in everything I’ve done because my boyfriend got murdered?

Not!Belle: Zzzzzzz

Regina: Hm. I should’ve started doing that years ago.

*Regina the lazy*
*What if there were feminine products in there? Rude*

Regina: A card? Used by a librarian in a backwards town! Surely this is a sign!

Regina: Nah, that’d be too easy…so naturally I’m going to fall for it.

Regina: Ew! Books! Books and logic don’t coexist with me!

Hook: Where are the puzzles? You told me that there would be Highlights Magazines!

Regina: Be quiet Hook! I’m messing up Belle’s Dewey Decimal system!

Cora: *Is eyeing Hook one last final time*

Hook: Why do I feel like I’m being extra undressed?

Regina: I think the book should be…right…here.

Cora: Good job Regina, you tracked down a book in numerical order all by yourself!

Regina: That’s the closest thing to a compliment you’ve ever given me!

Hook: This library sucks! Why did you bring me?

Regina: I didn’t want you raiding my fridge while I was gone and throwing a party at my house.

Hook: Who would I invite? Emma’s not here.

Regina: Friggin’ Hook! This is all your fault! The only book checked out in almost 30 years and it’s the one we’re looking for.

Cora: Regina, how could you miss this big piece of paper?

Hook: Ooo, to the untrained eye…childish scribbles…

Hook: But to a pirate….yep, still childish scribbles.

Hook: Well at least this is good to make a paper airplane out of!

Hook: *Is excited* Finally, I get to contribute something more than being scrapped off the floor.

Cora: See? I told you he IS good for more than just looks.
Regina: That sweet baboon.

Hook: It’s ‘baboo’ get it right.

Snow: David, that’s the eight bowl of ice cream you’ve had.

Charming: I have to be in competition with Rumpelstiltskin for Gramp Awards….no way I can win that!

Charming: So Regina is Henry’s great grandmother and adopted mother which makes you Henry’s grandmother and adopted sister and Emma is his mom and niece.

Charming: And if Rumpelstiltskin and Emma would’ve married then he would’ve been…his grandfather and stepfather and his biological dad would’ve been his dad and step brother…You know what? A lot of this can be solved if Regina’s adoption of him wasn’t legal and we keep Emma far away from that creepy little man.

Snow: I feel like we’re Jerry Springer Material right now!

Charming: Well just so you know, if we ever get invited on, I’m not flashing my breasts.

Snow: Maybe we can all get along now!

Charming: Yeah, because proclaiming that we’re all related is SO going to make Regina’s day.


 *They couldn’t have just done this in the first place?*

Emma:  Rumpelstiltskin you stop that!
Rumpelstiltskin: I like the sound the buzzer makes!

Rumpelstiltskin: Why couldn’t I have just picked the lock on the gate?

Rumpelstiltskin: Guys! All clear! Come on!
Emma: We are SO not playing Mission Impossible!

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh…yeah we are. Henry and I agreed to play it together when we got over the town line.

*Is humming Mission Impossible*
Emma: You know something, this is ridiculous. To think I could be at the sheriff’s station seeing how many times I could spin in my seat in under a minute!
Henry: Stop being a buzz kill, mom.

Emma: WHAT?! You’re breaking in?! Where did you get a lock picking kit?
Rumpelstiltskin: The airport gift shop. Manhattan is weird.

Rumpelstiltskin: Also this is the least offensive thing I’ve ever done. Stop whining.

Emma: Hey, he could come back at any time and conveniently drop bombs that I don’t want dropped! And it’ll end up looking bad and all of us are going to feel all kinds of dirty!

Emma: I’m going home!
Henry: Don’t worry step daddy, I’ll block her off!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh Emma, how many times have you broken into a place or hacked someone’s phone or computer? Little too late to be playing Ms. Right now!


  1. Darn, this was more of a teaser.

  2. I love The Abridged-series, it always puts a smile on my face.:) Thank you so much for making it! Where do you get all those fabulous ideas? Again, than you for a great read! /Jenna (aka night animal on fanfiction.net)