Rumpelstiltskin: Stupid Milah. I told her to send me my long john’s! Not my bathing suit!
Random Soldier: Oh…man this sword is duller than David Nolan’s personality. Hey random soldier! I need you to watch a prisoner!
Rumpelstiltskin: But I was…on my lunch break.
Random Soldier: Too bad! No Italian for you! I’m going to take it….and you can watch this creepy – er…I mean beloved child over here…
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t even LIKE kids!
Random Soldier: Perfect! You’re just the guy we need! That way you won’t bond with the little abomination of nature.
Random Soldier: Also, you SHOULD go to the armory and get a chainmail hood like what I got.
Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible. It would mess up my hair.
Rumpelstiltskin: So…kid…seen any good shows lately? Cause you couldn’t beat the ‘90’s cartoons. I’m just saying.
Rumpelstiltskin: Fine…don’t talk to me.
Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t want to have a nice conversation anyway.
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, are you breathing under there!?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh gross! I didn’t sign up for that!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Peeks* What’s up with your face?
Seer: Can I get some water please? They seem to think that I’ll be more helpful if I haven’t drank anything for days. These men are cruel.
Rumpelstiltskin: Or maybe you just freak them out. Have you looked in a mirror lately? Oh wait, sorry…
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh that’s creepy! I really didn’t sign up for that!
*Shoves closed again*
Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, I’m curious.
Rumpelstiltskin: So…how about your eye hands? How does that work? How do you cook? Or…eat? Or…use the bathroom? Papercuts must be agonizing.
Seer: Are you done?
Rumpelstiltskin: What happens if your vision sucks? Do you get little contact lenses? Or monocles?
Seer: I see many things…things that were…things that are…and some things that have not yet come to pass…
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Galadriel, I know you watched that on Fellowship of the Rings Extended.
Seer: Which will be your son’s favorite movie!
Rumpelstiltskin: What son? Milah won’t let me touch her unless she’s extremely drunk and bored…which…happens every night now that I think about it…
Seer: Yeah. I know. Thank you very much for actions that give me THOSE visions!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well don’t peek into my life you little pervert!
Seer: Won’t be much of a life left if you go out on the battlefield tomorrow.
Rumpelstiltskin: Lucky for me, I got some vacation time saved up…and I plan on cashing it in now.
Rumpelstiltskin: Here…have some water.
Seer: This is tap water, isn’t it?”
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, wanna come hang with me if we desert this army tomorrow? If anything, you’ll freak Milah right out.
Seer: Thanks but I plan to be elsewhere while you’re off making sure your kid becomes FATHERLESS. Just saying.
Rumpelstiltskin: That’s what you think! I’m going to use my super Chuck Norris abilities to win the war!
Seer: Hard to do that on one leg, hobbles.
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not hobbling! I just have blisters!
Seer: I see all!
Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t freak me out if I’m not looking at you!
*Dang it, not a close-up!*
Snow: *Is struggling not to throw up* So, we’re all related to Rumpelstiltskin now?
Emma: That’s all you got out of that?
Emma: The guy that left me in prison is the son of the man that used me as a pawn! Is jackassery genetic? Because I think I see the similarities!
Snow: I’m not sure…but then again it seems like I taught the same class every day for 28 years, so you might want to consult someone who is actually qualified there.
Emma: I can’t do that! I just left Henry with his creepy grandfather and they’re probably bonding and Rumple’s thinking about kissing me and if I freak out and punch him then he’ll know something up.
Snow: Or…you could just tell him the truth!
Emma: The last time I told him I didn’t want to be romantically involved because his son might be my baby’s father, he laughed and asked what the chances were of that actually happening! If I try it again then he’ll just believe I was up to old tricks.
Snow: Well, look on the bright side…he might stop seducing you if he actually believes you!
Emma: I don’t see that happening. I think annoying me is as addicting as magic is to him.
Rumpelstiltskin: Does this ring have any significance?
Henry: So…about Bae…he won’t…replace me will he? Because that might end in a very unfortunate manner.
Rumpelstiltskin: Henry, I’m not sure anyone could replace you.
Rumpelstiltskin: And since your mother’s been gone for so long, she’s either in jail because she was dragging him back, she’s looking for him, or they’re hitting it off in a bar somewhere.
Henry: Oh, that last part won’t happen. I’ll sabotage it before I lose you as a step daddy.
Rumpelstiltskin: Thanks Henry. I still have that room with the balcony saved for you, you know.
Rumpelstiltskin: And it’s my favorite room, so that should tell you how much your evilness means to me
Rumpelstiltskin: But we’re not bringing in your horse to live with us. Once I kept the horse in the castle because the stables fell over and I regretted that for months.
Rumpelstiltskin: You know…sometimes I think about adopting you too since there’s no way Regina’s adoption of you was legal.
Henry: Really?! I could honestly be Henry Gold?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Sure, if Emma realizes that she still has feelings for me and dating Archie’s only going to break both their hearts!
Rumpelstiltskin: I think that it’s time you and I sabotage this little relationship they have. Archie can have Belle. They can sing about books and guiding consciences all they want to now that she has no idea who I am...
Henry: But I like Archie.
Rumpelstiltskin: And I like him too Henry, that’s why I’m doing this.
Rumpelstiltskin: But you must ask yourself…, ‘would I like him as a step daddy?”
Emma: There’s no corrupting going on, is there?
Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiii Emma! You look sweaty!
Emma: Yeah, your son got away or something…
Rumpelstiltskin: *Checks out while sobbing*
Emma: Stop that!
Not!Belle: Hard to believe it’s been less than 24 hours since I got shot.
Regina: Hey jailbait, been cradle robbed lately?
Not!Belle: Ew. You smell like smug.
Regina: And you smell like hospital. Seriously, when are you going to get up and take your life back? Oh wait, never mind, you can’t!
Not!Belle: I think I’m going to call the nurse…
Regina: I killed the nurse. Long story but I like to do that.
Not!Belle: Ew, why?
Regina: For no reason other than I can.
Not!Belle: You’re kind of creepy…can you leave? My stories are about to come on and strangely enough, that’s all I can remember.
Regina: Hey, would you like to hear how I’m justified in everything I’ve done because my boyfriend got murdered?
Regina: Hm. I should’ve started doing that years ago.
*Regina the lazy*
*What if there were feminine products in there? Rude*
Regina: A card? Used by a librarian in a backwards town! Surely this is a sign!
Regina: Nah, that’d be too easy…so naturally I’m going to fall for it.
Regina: Ew! Books! Books and logic don’t coexist with me!
Hook: Where are the puzzles? You told me that there would be Highlights Magazines!
Regina: Be quiet Hook! I’m messing up Belle’s Dewey Decimal system!
Cora: *Is eyeing Hook one last final time*
Hook: Why do I feel like I’m being extra undressed?
Regina: I think the book should be…right…here.
Cora: Good job Regina, you tracked down a book in numerical order all by yourself!
Regina: That’s the closest thing to a compliment you’ve ever given me!
Hook: This library sucks! Why did you bring me?
Regina: I didn’t want you raiding my fridge while I was gone and throwing a party at my house.
Hook: Who would I invite? Emma’s not here.
Regina: Friggin’ Hook! This is all your fault! The only book checked out in almost 30 years and it’s the one we’re looking for.
Cora: Regina, how could you miss this big piece of paper?
Hook: Ooo, to the untrained eye…childish scribbles…
Hook: But to a pirate….yep, still childish scribbles.
Hook: Well at least this is good to make a paper airplane out of!
Hook: *Is excited* Finally, I get to contribute something more than being scrapped off the floor.
Cora: See? I told you he IS good for more than just looks.
Regina: That sweet baboon.
Hook: It’s ‘baboo’ get it right.
Snow: David, that’s the eight bowl of ice cream you’ve had.
Charming: I have to be in competition with Rumpelstiltskin for Gramp Awards….no way I can win that!
Charming: So Regina is Henry’s great grandmother and adopted mother which makes you Henry’s grandmother and adopted sister and Emma is his mom and niece.
Charming: And if Rumpelstiltskin and Emma would’ve married then he would’ve been…his grandfather and stepfather and his biological dad would’ve been his dad and step brother…You know what? A lot of this can be solved if Regina’s adoption of him wasn’t legal and we keep Emma far away from that creepy little man.
Snow: I feel like we’re Jerry Springer Material right now!
Charming: Well just so you know, if we ever get invited on, I’m not flashing my breasts.
Snow: Maybe we can all get along now!
Charming: Yeah, because proclaiming that we’re all related is SO going to make Regina’s day.
*They couldn’t have just done this in the first place?*
Emma: Rumpelstiltskin you stop that!
Rumpelstiltskin: I like the sound the buzzer makes!
Rumpelstiltskin: Why couldn’t I have just picked the lock on the gate?
Rumpelstiltskin: Guys! All clear! Come on!
Emma: We are SO not playing Mission Impossible!
Rumpelstiltskin: Uh…yeah we are. Henry and I agreed to play it together when we got over the town line.
*Is humming Mission Impossible*
Emma: You know something, this is ridiculous. To think I could be at the sheriff’s station seeing how many times I could spin in my seat in under a minute!
Henry: Stop being a buzz kill, mom.
Emma: WHAT?! You’re breaking in?! Where did you get a lock picking kit?
Rumpelstiltskin: The airport gift shop. Manhattan is weird.
Rumpelstiltskin: Also this is the least offensive thing I’ve ever done. Stop whining.
Emma: Hey, he could come back at any time and conveniently drop bombs that I don’t want dropped! And it’ll end up looking bad and all of us are going to feel all kinds of dirty!
Emma: I’m going home!
Henry: Don’t worry step daddy, I’ll block her off!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh Emma, how many times have you broken into a place or hacked someone’s phone or computer? Little too late to be playing Ms. Right now!