Once Upon A Time: Abridged: Tiny Part 2

Snow: I don’t get it; all the people that wanted to punch you have forgiven you already for being David Nolan, who on earth did you piss off that much to send you flying like that? Someone that WASN’T me last season?

Grumpy: I’m going to stare at him and see if he notices.

Charming: I don’t know, Snow. Maybe he’s jealous because I was in Thor or something….*Pouts that he’s getting replaced in the sequel*

Grumpy: *Is staring*

Charming: Knock that off Grumpy, it’s off putting!

Charming: Oh hey…creepy staring….just like Rumpelstiltskin did to me when he came to get me and let me know that my twin was dead and I had to come and…

Charming: *GASP!* It’s my dead twin’s fault, y’all!

James: Well…surfing on turtles with Hook SOUNDED like a blast but…eh, I guess this is good too.

James: Hey Jack; wanna see me imitate my dad.

James: *Is imitating* Blah, blah, blah, you’re throwing your life away!

Jack: Hm…yes…that’s…um…entertaining

James: Although these heeled boots of your lingerie getup (FAMILY SHOW!) might be a pain to remove…why did you put them on again?

George: Hey son, time to tuck you in and WOAH! Put a sign on the door next time!

James: Good heavens daddy, don’t you knock?!

James: Also this is my fiancé.

George: Well, she’s not as easy on the eyes as the last eight.

Jack: *Is offended*

James: Did you want something daddy? I don’t mean to be rude but I was rather hoping to shake my groove thing tonight.

George: Listen, there’s a giant in the land and when I got the letter, I had the most hilarious thought! Why not risk my son to go out and manipulate him? I’m sure no one else of a lesser position could!

James: Thanks a lot for volunteering me!

George: Well maybe next time attend the counseling sessions!

James: Last time I checked, those of us with swag don’t attend boring old smelly meetings.

Jack: It’s true. There was a memo and everything.

George: Is that my Fabio shirt?

Snow: That flashback was hot.

Charming: Snow…it wasn’t me.

Charming: And whose flashbacking at this moment? Pretty much everyone in that is either locked up (Hopefully) or dead!

Snow: Why can’t YOU wear a Fabio shirt?

Charming: Well, my break’s over, time to go make sure the giant doesn’t attack any more people!

Snow: Wha- Now?!

Grumpy: We can’t leave! I just ordered eggs and selected my song on the jukebox!

Charming: No! We have a job to do! We have to make Emma proud while she’s gone doing who knows what with that crazy creepy man. Grumpy…we have…

Charming: ...important SHERIFFING to do!

Hurley: Hey guys!

Barkeep: GACK! MONSTER!

Bar Regular: I’m never drinking here again!

Bar Regular 2: I’m never drinking again!

James: I’m beginning to think that maybe our kingdom IS in trouble, I Mean…where are any bodyguards to make sure this at least goes somewhere?!

Hurley: *Sobs* I want to get as sloshed as those guys!

Hurley: Well that was boring. Now I can go home and listen to everyone ease me about how I was talking about how humans were all exciting and stuff like they are in the movies.

James: Whoa thar, Jackie. Get me some sober pills right now because I think I see me a giant!

Hurley: What do you guys want?

James: HI! I’M JAMES!

Jack: I’m not sure you need to yell, licorice jacket.

Hurley: I might like you humans a lot better dude, if you stopped shooting arrows at me.

Jack: Well get me a glass because you are certainly one tall drink of water…like the ale in the bar! Don't you wanna go in?

Hurley: I didn’t wear my good shoes, so I can’t go in.

Jack: Oh don’t worry about that…I have a shrinkage spell

*Just imagined the ‘shrinkage spell’*

Jack: I…HOPE it’ll make you small. I guess I could’ve experimented on someone to figure it out but…eh, trying it on a giant seemed like a better idea.

Jack: A wise woman gave it to me…and it just occurred to me that she was probably being cheap now that I think about it

Jack: And stop checking me out, James!

James: I am not! This is a green screen! I don’t know where to look!

Hurley: Well coincidental that you have this but…you two aren’t laughing evilly or twiddling your fingers so…you must be good!

Jack: Sure…why not?!

Hurley: Doesn’t even LOOK appetizing.

*If the food’s magic works out of realms, then why couldn’t Regina take her father out of Wonderland and resize him in “Hat Trick”?*

Emma: And no matter what he asks, please don’t sit us close to the bathrooms! I think I might know what will go through his mind.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying to creep his hand closer* Deny it all you want Emmmma, I know there’s an attraction!

Rumpelstiltskin: Emma! Come back!

Emma: Oh that’s sweet…Mary Momgret packed me a list of all the different ways I can tell Rumpelstiltskin to take a flying leap.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is fuming* We WOULD get stuck behind a bunch of kids!

Henry: Hey stepdad, what do you think of this glare?

Rumpelstiltskin: You look utterly ridiculous; I think you forgot to be creepy in between seasons. And by that, you’re hitting puberty.

Henry: HMPH!

Rumpelstiltskin: No Henry, don’t be like that! I’m sorry!

Henry: Just keep talking and tightening that noose old man!

Emma: Take off your clothes.

Rumpelstiltskin: What? Here? Now?

Rumpelstiltskin: Never have done this in a room full of people but…um…okay…

*Fans pause to look at Mr. Gold’s socks*

TSA Agent: Sorry sir but you must remove that hideous thing on your neck before you can fly. We have STANDARDS on Oceanic.

Rumpelstiltskin: Ew! A mortal poor person.

Emma: Don’t look at his form fitting pants; don’t look at his form fitting pants…

Rumpelstiltskin: Emma! They won’t let me fly!

Emma: I wasn’t oogling!

*Is the happiest day of his foemance with Emma*

Guy like us: Hey, didn’t you think scans like this would happen when you got on a plane?!

Emma: Whoa, he’s right; I can’t believe I never thought of it either.

Rumpelstiltskin: I just wanted to fly in a plane!

Emma: Hey! Stow it both of you! I am NOT getting tazed today!

Rumpelstiltskin: Quite eager to get your feelsies on today, aren’t you Emma?

Emma: Uh….nooo!

Rumpelstiltskin: You have given me faith! I shall strip down! And it will be glorious and I’ll let you know exactly what you’re missing!

Emma: Wow that was so hot.

Emma: And don’t give me eyesex! Now’s not the time!

Rumpelstiltskin: You know you like it!

*Rips off coat all sexy like*

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m Rumpel friggin’ Stiltskin and I got a woman young enough to date my son watching me…I can HOLD my memories in!

Emma: Well let me take your wallet just in case.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not feeling so well Emma; I think you might have to carry me…

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t throw up! Don’t throw up! Emma’s watching!

Emma: Oh no, we’re not getting humiliated in front of everyone if he passes out and we miss our flight and I Have to wait till tomorrow to go to Manhattan!

Emma: Here’s your silly scarf and it smells like mildew!…*Thinks about it and gives a quick hug while he’s disoriented…but only because she feels bad.*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Gasp!* She touched me!

Emma: No I didn’t! You’re delusional.

Emma: We should….we should probably go get some Snuggies or something…because Mary Momgret stole mine

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is silently fanboying out*

Henry: *Is dancing* Golden Swan lives!

Rumpelstiltskin: Where should I go?!

Hook: Oh….crap. I dropped my card…I can’t reach it…

Hook: I hate being heavily injured.

Hook: Oo, is that…Tiffany? Oh geez, I hope she didn’t see me! It didn’t end well and I’d be mortified!

Regina: Keep bending over, that’s right…

Hook: Freak me out why don’t you? And thanks for coming in the place of Cora, now everyone thinks she’s impersonating you again!

Regina: Nope! Snow hurt my feelings and now they must die!

Hook: Yeah, your mama drama sounds all kinds of fun, but do you have a healing potion I might be able to use?

*Is ashamed of himself for using the term ‘mama drama’*

Regina: Ooo, you do look better with age…

Hook: Thank you, I’m more aware of that than anyone.

Regina: Are you pledging to the flag or something? Why are you holding yourself like that?

Hook: My ribs are all broken!

Regina: Oh…I’ve never attained physical injuries for anything I’ve done…except that one time Emma punched me.

Hook: I can oddly relate to that! We have something in common!

Hook: Wanna get together?

Hook: *Is slapped*

Hook: *Is whispering* Owwwww.

Regina: Way to not kill my mom! Who would’ve thought you were such a pirate!

Hook: Okay, maybe we’re at different crossroads in life….

*Is blatantly checking out*

*Is still checking out*

Hook: Will you at least go out for a juice with me?

Regina: Only if it’s pineapple!

Hook: Deal! But you’re going to have to pay because…I don’t think I have this world’s currency….

Granny: WATCH IT PSYCHO!

Hurley: AUGH! All the confusing technology!

*And thank you show runners, for giving me that wonderful visual to abridge*

James: YES! They have bacon!

James: Check it out Hurley! They have girls too! Broads, bacon and booze! *Is in heaven.*

James: *Gasp* And antlers over the fireplace! This is truly a man’s home!

Hurley: So…there was an amusement park nearby…I was hoping that we’d…play on the water ride…

Jack: I didn’t bring my bathing suit...

Hurley: Oh…this trip just gets better and better…

Hurley: Not that I’m…complaining or anything…

James: I brought mine! Geez Jack, what happened to ‘dress for all occasions?!

Jack: We don’t have time for this!

James: We ALWAYS have time for the water park and if you didn’t bring anything to wear then you don’t HAVE to come!

Hurley: Dude! We’re so bro hanging!

Jack: Well…I suppose I can dig into my college tuition and pay for something that I can wear.

James: Dude, if we talk her into it, we can get her in a monokini! Give her the puppy eyes!

Jack: Oh you two…no I won’t.

Hurley: Part of your wooorrllllllllldddddd!

James: Look Lloyd, I don’t care how long Frank’s sitting in the carriage seat poking you! You WILL wait for us!

Hurley: Wow…what’s going on with those guys?

Jack: Ohhhh, I shouldn’t tell you.

Hurley: Okay.

Jack: Well okay, since you’re pushing so hard….his realm is in so much debt that the only faithful guards left are Frank and Lloyd and believe me; you would NOT believe those clowns. Biggest shippers in this fandom. I got shipped with Jefferson at one point…and I don’t even KNOW Jefferson!

*Presumably*