Rumpelstiltskin: Glad that other soldier never showed up to make sure I was doing my job!
Rumpelstiltskin: Whoa…what did that?!
Random Guard: Roundhouse kicks…apparently the Ogres watched reruns of Walker Texas Ranger.
Rumpelstiltskin: But I watched reruns of Walker Texas Ranger!
Random Guard 2: WE all did! Turns out they can’t be killed with a roundhouse kick!
Random Guard: Everything Chuck Norris taught us is a lie!
Rumpelstiltskin: No! You’re a lie! You keep holding your phallic spear, random guard….some of us don’t need to compensate!
Random Guard 3: Oh, the guy that we left to guard the seer!
Rumpelstiltskin: Uh….I had to get my hair done and take a bath…I need to be the cleanest soldier out there…
Random Soldier 3: We’re taking your care packages.
Rumpelstiltskin: Fine…Milah never sends me any anyway!
Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t guard that freak! She’s got eyes on the palms of her hands!
Random Soldier 3: And my dad had eyes in the back of his head. I thought for years that he was just saying that to make sure I stayed out of trouble but turns out…he really had eyes in the back of his head!
*No one wanted to know that*
Rumpelstiltskin: So random soldier…what are the chances of us dying?
Random Soldier: Oh in the absolutes! No way we’re surviving tomorrow!
Rumpelstiltskin: So…you were right, huh? Man, that sucks. I was hoping that you were just trying to scam me out of my money….
*You had ONE job Rumpel*
Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe you’re invisible! *Shakes cage*
Rumpelstiltskin: Now I’m going to get my paycheck docked! How does something that looks like that get through this camp undetected?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh good…this is long enough for sledgehammer golf…I just need to practice my swinging….
Rumpelstiltskin: If I miss, this is going to hurt!
Rumpelstiltskin: I MISSED!
Rumpelstiltskin: Help! The seer jumped me!
Rumpelstiltskin: Geez, what a dump! Couldn’t clean up a bit before he ditched it.
Emma: Nope. Not here and not coming back. I could tell because he yelled ‘I’m never coming back’ when I chased him. Let’s go home!
Rumpelstiltskin: I thought he had a one room apartment in the premiere.
Emma: How on Earth did he afford this place? When I lived in Manhattan, I had to dish over 400 for a cardboard box every month.
Emma: OH hey! A dream catcher! Well, this is going in the car. I have a thing for dream catchers...
*Runs face across the strings in the middle*
Rumpelstiltskin: Emma! Where’s your ‘not trust’ necklace?
Emma: Uh…must’ve dropped it.
Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible! Remember when we were engaged and I tried to remove it without you noticing because I was jealous? And the clasp is so firm that when I tried to rip it off your neck, it just yanked you down on the pavement and I felt bad?
Rumpelstiltskin: By the green TV next to me (where does one purchase that?), you’re lying.
Emma: I am not!
Henry: She is! ‘I am not’ is what all liars say!
Rumpelstiltskin: You put that silly dream catcher away and tell me what my Not Red Herring Real Bae said!
Emma: I need air! *Is struggling with the window*
Emma: Oh geez, it’s already open!
Henry: Traitor mommy!
Henry: And I’m moving to stand beside my stepdad…but I have to use the bathroom first!
Rumpelstiltskin: Are you willing to throw down? Because I will throw down if it means wrestling on the ground with you!
Emma: that would mean getting the opportunity to touch me and that certainly isn’t going to happen! All I have to do is grab your scarf and run!
Rumpelstiltskin: You can’t take my scarf off…
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s attached to the rest of my suit!
Emma: Well it looks like the rest of your clothes are coming off then!
Rumpelstiltskin: Glad you’re seeing the light!
Emma: No I’m not! And now’s not the time!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! So there is a ti- *leans on the end table and it falls* Oops.
Baelfire: Guys! Let’s not fight!
*At the same time!*
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up, Baelfire!
Emma: Shut up, Baelfire!
Rumpelstiltskin: Happy day, they let me keep the uniform! Milah’s gonna be so thrilled!
Milah: Can’t wait till these 2AM feedings are done…in fact I can’t wait till the first 18 years are done…
Rumpelstiltskin: Who ya gonna call?
Rumpelstiltskin: Augh, I think I have infection!
Milah: So I guess the eggs didn’t get picked up then….
Rumpelstiltskin: The market sort of…wasn’t on my way…
Milah: Everyone says you hurt yourself to get away from battle!
Rumpelstiltskin: Who said that? Didn’t everyone die?
Milah: This is going to look bad on me, Rumpelstiltskin. You cowardly coward king of cowardice.
Rumpelstiltskin: Couldn’t we talk about this when I’m rested, please? That way I can explain how I watched my father die in front of me right after he tried to abandon me *Podcast spoilers* and so me thinking about my son growing up without a dad was how I viewed cowardice and not destroying my leg and my reputation all so he could have a dad and you could have a husband?
Milah: All I Heard was blah blah blah.
Rumpelstiltskin: Listen! A seer told me I was going to die!
Milah: Yeah, because trusting a seer makes sense!
Rumpelstiltskin: SHE HAD EYES ON THE PALMS OF HER HANDS, WOMAN! Am I the only one in this episode not freaked out about this?
Rumpelstiltskin: And considering how everyone got slaughtered…looks like she was right!
Milah: Go out and die!
Rumpelstiltskin: How are you even remotely sympathetic with wishing I was dead? I came back and forsook all that reputation crap to be here for both of you! I branded myself!
Rumpelstiltskin: I wanted to be asleep for a little bit before we had this conversation!
Rumpelstiltskin: I just got HOME!
Milah: My life is ruined! I can’t wait to run off with the first hypocrite I see!
Rumpelstiltskin: That dress sort of looks familiar!
Rumpelstiltskin: Not the dress itself but the colors and make….
Milah: You smell like body odor.
Rumpelstiltskin: I was…on the sidelines of a battle! Did you even know or care day to day if I was alive or not? Wasn’t there some hint that you were happy I was alive?!
Milah: You know what? Take this kid; I’m so glad that I can dump him off on you now.
Rumpelstiltskin: Erm…Milah! Milah, what do I do with it?!
Milah: No! I don’t want your Girl Scout cookies!
Rumpelstiltskin: Darn it! I was hoping you’d have my nose!
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, that’s right, this nose.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I promise that I will never drop you down a vortex and go evil and spend 300 years trying to look for you!
Rumpelstiltskin: Just as long as you never set up your girlfriend and leave her pregnant and alone in jail. Deal?
Rumpelstiltskin: Because if you do and Milah kicks it and I still look this good…I’m calling dibs.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh…so you caught me and my sort of girlfriend ex-fiancé in your apartment…*Is awkward*
Emma: I don’t know what he’s talking about!
Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiiii Bae! *Is mentally squeeing*
Baelfire: Well, my debt to you is done! I saved you! Have fun on the road trip back!
Emma: That’s all I needed to hear. Let’s go before he reveals anything humiliating!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh come off it Emma, what could have done that I haven’t done or intend to do?
Baelfire: You better be talking about your crimes!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is oblivious* What else would I be talking about?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wait…did you plant your flag on Emma before I did?
Baelfire: *Is arrogant because he scored first*
Emma: If you confirm or deny it, I WILL shove you into that little TV.
Rumpelstiltskin: EWWWWW! I’ve been engaged to someone my son likes?!
Emma: It was a blackmail engagement!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is crying and waving away* I’ll never feel clean and look at you again!
Henry: Hey, good news. I clogged up Bae’s toilet and who did it will be a mystery. Bae will have nothing to go on.
Rumpelstiltskin: Wait…you two had sex!?
Henry: I also set explosions in the bathroom ready to detonate if you don’t tell my stepdad what he wants to hear!
Henry: Yeah! And it’d be a real shame for your loved ones too because I have a murder posse and we WILL track them all down!
Emma: This is what you let me go into Bae. Just remember that.
Baelfire: Mmmm no, I’m pretty sure this is Pinocchio’s fault.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well…*Sniffles* ‘Grandpa’ isn’t too bad I suppose….Aw heck, yes it is.
Henry: And now that we’re all together, the last kicker of this would be if you were my dad. But that’s impossible because he’s a pirate and a ninja. And the way you were clomping around on the fire escape and the way you came back...NO WAY you are either one of those.
Emma: Yeah…about that…by ‘ninja’ I mean ‘leaves silently without letting me know where he’s going’ and by pirate I meant that ‘he stole everything and let me take the fall’
Baelfire: I might sort of be a pirate if it’s any consolation.
Emma: If I had thought I’d get away from Rumpelstiltskin by this way, I’d have insisted we find Bae sooner.
Baelfire: *Just realized he owes Emma 11 years’ worth of child support since no one’s told him she gave Henry up as of episode 18…at least I’m guessing.*
Henry: Life’s not worth living if Rumpelstiltskin isn’t my stepdad!
Baelfire: What have you two DONE to him?!
Emma: It’s fine; he does this every time I insult your father.
Emma: Henry, I’m in a dress and I just KNOW Rumpelstiltskin’s getting one last looksee!
Baelfire: I just imagined you and Emma together!
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, it’s not MY fault you sent you to me without warning her! You know how I am when it comes to women and I look this good!
Baelfire: I don’t want to hear your little fantasies over my baby mama anymore! Get out!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating* Nyeh nyeh ‘I got Emma and you didn’t!’ Nyeh nyeh!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is not making a good impression*
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, that wasn’t very mature of me, was it?
Rumpelstiltskin: Now is sassing the father who abandoned you for power for 400 years and then still has the magic appropriate?
Baelfire: No dad.
Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t think so. Now apologize.
Baelfire: *Is being stubborn*
Rumpelstiltskin: Just like his mother….
Greg: I’m still here too!
Hook: And that was the kite I drew in second grade.
Cora: That’s such good artistic skills, baboo!
Regina: And it happens to look like it’s just at the place where Rumpelstiltskin likes to frequent in the woods for his ‘nature walk with the ladies’. It’s a good thing that map was there just as Hook put the paper down to show us his skills!
Regina: Well, *Checks out* It's been fun! see ya Hook! Hope you don't mess up our plans or betray us like you do everyone that stabs you in the back.
Hook: Come back with my paper!
Regina: Now this is just getting embarrassing.
Cora: Well with the amount of wax on this floor, I’m surprised we aren’t falling over ourselves.
Cora: Bye baboo! *Puckers* *Then sniffles* we’ll always have Wonderland
Regina: What exactly did Cora and Hook get up to those 28 years?
Regina: So…finding that map WAS sort of easy…
Cora: Nonsense! Its totes accurate even though it was easier to find than Carmen Sandiego. Now all we have to do is use Rumpelstiltskin to kill Henry’s family and he’ll be yours or something.
Regina: Good. And hopefully he’ll have taken some of Charming’s stupid pills because otherwise, there’s no reason for him to believe the person that’s tried to kill his family multiple times to get him would be behind this.
Cora: That’s my gullible girl
Regina: Stop trying to steal my earrings, mom.