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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

112 - Name of a Brother Part 2

Emma: I can’t believe he really broke up with me!

Emma: *Sobs* I mean…we weren’t together but how will I go the day sassing him and trying to ignore the shudders of terror that his ‘Hiiiiiii Emma’ gives me?

Victor: This is my secret break room. I just put ‘supply room’ on it so that I can eat everyone’s food in the refrigerator!

*Nice R2D2 reference back there*
Emma: How will I live? What will become of me?! Why whole life is just…different now! I feel emptiness where disgust should be!

Snow: Oh get off it Emma! You still have Hook!

Emma: But Hook just comes off as desperate!

Snow: Don’t you DARE get into a depression over this!

Red Robyn: Like I had the same problem when Rumpel and I divorced…she’ll get over it…in a decade or so. He just has that appeal.

Victor: Anyone want a yogurt? They’re about to go bad…

Snow: I’m not that hungry…what about you, Charming?

Charming: No! It might contain live bacteria!

Victor: Are we really debating this of all our problems?!

Victor: I’m leaving!

Snow: Hey! I smell booze!


Grumpy: Yeah…look at the only dwarf in the room! I see how it is!

Phone: Sexy and I know it….

Emma: I would answer…but I’m just too depressed so I’m going to freak whoever this is out by prolonging it even more.

Victor: I can’t believe my vacuum cleaner/pet groomer didn’t get good reviews! I worked really hard on that!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Victor! I found the body paint!

Victor: But…I was saving that!

Rumpelstiltskin: I really liked the red!

Victor: That’s my mom’s brooch!

Rumpelstiltskin: Not anymore.

Victor: *Is horrified* Get out of my lab!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh so…I guess you’re not even going to comment on that whole magic teleporting thing…

Victor: Please! Who here DOESN”T have a teleporting machine at home.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh!

Rumpelstiltskin: You!

Rumpelstiltskin: So I hear that you can bring back the dead. Or at least you’re trying to. I’m interested! If anything, it’ll give me a lot of laughs!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Gives a jovial laugh*

Victor: You SEEM trustworthy…

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, what are these glass bulbs with fire in them and can I take some home?

Victor: No! They’ve been in my family for…since we bought them at Wal-Mart!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh this bag….I hit Mary Poppins with lightning while she was flying so that I could acquire it….

Rumpelstiltskin: Jiminy got her umbrella too! No one wanted Dick Van Dyke.

*Is full of money*

Victor: You can’t give me that! People are going to think I robbed someone!

Rumpelstiltskin: You will if you fail! You’ll have robbed me! No pressure!

Victor: Well, when Dracula offered to fund me, he promised that he wouldn’t drink a lot of my blood so I guess this is the next best thing…

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, I’ll date Igor’s smoking hot sister!

Victor: Fine, her family overcooks the macaroni anyway and Christmas, they took the banana pudding from me when I wasn’t done eating it.

Victor: Uh…where did you go?

Igor: Who was that creepy guy that just jumped over the railing?!

Igor: And did you rob a bank while I was gone?!

Victor: Get the equipment! We’re staying!
Igor: I just put all the equipment in the van, jackass!

Victor: Hey…feel like pinching some corpses?
Igor: I specifically put it in my contract to NOT have to do that.

Victor: Fine! I guess I’ll do it myself!

Rumpelstiltskin: The one thing that Smee didn’t smash up…

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute! Who cleaned up this mess?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…time to go cry in my cookie dough…

Rumpelstiltskin: Just make sure that no one is outside looking so they can’t see my crying profusely….

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh, I hate taking things off the shelf and then forgetting that I took them out.

Rumpelstiltskin: Seriously, what did I get that out for? I don’t remember agreeing to a sleepover at Jiminy’s!

Cora: Still hanging out with that overgrown ant I see.

Rumpelstiltskin: He’s a cricket and he’s my best friend!

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t even know why we’re still talking about this! I think someone’s just jealous because someone is in someone’s life still and another someone isn’t!

Cora: Oh, you are so lucky that I halfway understood that.

Cora: Anyway, I bought you that globe you were yammering so much about when we were over on the other side…I have no idea why you couldn’t just…find it yourself when you were on the other side and bring it with you. IF you can keep the security system puppets then surely you could’ve brought this!

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t have any room to pack it. I would’ve had to take out like…three of the mantle clocks.

Cora: Mantle clocks ARE pretty awesome.

Rumpelstiltskin: Up until now, you’ve never seen a mantle clock in your life!

Cora: Well for some reason, none of this technology really bothers me, so I don’t know!

Rumpelstiltskin: You would just love seeing a gun then…let’s see if I can dig one up…

Rumpelstiltskin: There’s a nice big surprise that comes out of the end of it…

Cora: Oooo

Rumpelstiltskin: Curses…I sound dirty even when I don’t mean to!  

Rumpelstiltskin: There had better be a cake in here!

Rumpelstiltskin: Or this is good too! I can even use the hat as a hatbox.

Cora: You can thank me however you wish!

Cora: *Puckers*

Rumpelstiltskin: Ew. No. I’m dealing with two nasty break ups.

Cora: Well I suppose you could let me troll Regina for a while…get her on my side and all that…

Cora: I’m sure it won’t backfire on you at all!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…so what if she’s a back stabbing hag that has tried to kill my beloved ex-fiancĂ© and her mother? I’m sure it’ll be fine!

Cora: You’re squeezing a bit too hard there Rumpel…ow….
Rumpelstiltskin: Not hard enough, succubus…not hard enough…

Rumpelstiltskin: MMFPH! What are you doing?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Stop trying to steal my life essence!

Charming: I don’t see you scrubbing in or making out with nurses! Why do we sign your paycheck!

Victor: Grumpy let me have the phone!

Charming: That’s an android. Nothing to be excited about….

Charming: Unless you have a burner phone…like I do.

Victor: Do you have to be here? I’m still mourning my accent! And the fact that I have no feeling in the arm that I lost seven episodes ago! THANKS A LOT for calling to check on me!

Charming: I thought you had it handled!

Victor: We used to be friends!

Charming: N-no we weren’t.

Victor: Oh…did I dream that?

Charming: See you in another life Victor.

Victor: Hey, time for my break.

*Ah, Soundstage Cemetery*

Victor: If only medical school didn’t ban me from pilfering cadavers!

Gerhardt: I hate it when the zombie army officials want to play hide and seek here…oh hey Victor! What’s up?!

Gerhardt: Please tell me that you’re not digging a hobbit hole out here. Again.

Gerhardt: Dad finally forgave you for being a disappointment…time for you to come home. Dad says I can’t have your room.

Victor: I’d rather have conversations with dead people! At least when they talk back, it doesn’t hurt my feelings!

Guard: Hey you! It’s been awhile since I got to play ‘itchy trigger finger!’

Gerhardt: I’m Batman!
Victor: I’m Robin!... Wait! No!

*Are running*
Victor: To the Batmobile!

Victor: So…digging up bodies while dodging the cops, huh? Just like old times!

Gerhardt: *Dies*

Victor: Dude! I don’t have TIME for this!


Snow: So nice that Victor gave us the phone back after this HER called for the 800th time.

Red Robyn: Maybe we should pick up.
Emma: Nope! Let her cry!

Snow: She could be a wife! Or a mother! Or an enemy….like how I have Regina listed in my phone as Murdering Cow.

Red Robyn: As a superhero I think you should answer it…
Emma: *Is faltering* I don’t…Why should she get love and not me?! Even if what we had was never love and just creepy infatuation on his part!

Red Robyn: Like…that’s Rumpelstiltskin! Get over it. Us spurned lovers have a website and everything. I moderate.

Emma: *Sniffles*
Grumpy: She’s going through a heroic blue screen of death….I’ll get the taser.

Emma: What if we run into each other on the street and it’s all awkward because all we had was creepy innuendo?!

Snow: No one cares about your creepy ex fiancée, Emma!

Orderly: Hey guys…Dr. Whale made a rope out of the hospital gowns and climbed out through the window…

Emma: What?! But he’s the only doctor in town! Red Robyn! You are needed!
Red Robyn: FINALLY!

*Phone is vibrating*

Emma: No…it can’t be….

Emma: Someone killed Dr. Whale!

Red Robyn: Like…ew…when you said I was needed, I was REALLY hoping that it was for my superheroness and not for my wolf tendencies…I don’t think Victor’s ever washed this thing.

Red Robyn: I could totally be having a nice evening in the Jacuzzi with my husband…but no…..

Charming: Well I could be making tacos but no one seems to be asking my opinion about anything.


Grumpy: I know what making tacos and Jacuzzis really mean.

Emma: What? What does it mean?

Emma: Is it something like how Rumpelstiltskin used to ask me to come by and spin his magic spinning wheel?

Snow: No! Bad image!

Charming: Oh, that’s actually creative…I should find a way to use that…

Emma: Red Robyn! I need you but for extra real this time! Go find Victor!

Red Robyn: Like…I’m TOTALLY on it!

Emma: There goes a true hero…

Victor: I’m coming, accent!


  1. Emma's Heroic BSOD is so funny.

  2. Has Emma forgotten Archie already ?

  3. Haha! I love the looks after Grumpy says, "I know what you really mean by tacos and Jacuzzi!" Hahaha!

  4. Love the Mary Poppins(but Bart's my favorite!....And he has a thing for Mary, every person I said that to agrees.) And Dracula(the book was great, hope he shows up in OUAT.)

    And yeah I hate Victors' father as well, I did feel sad when he died but that's because I'm empathic.

    The jokes in this are really funny.