The Outsider Part 3

 

Henry: So how long should I let my mom mourn before I start pushing the idea that maybe her and my beloved stepdad should lean on each other…?

 

Emma: How about ‘never’? Eat your breakfast. I even did an evil smilie face with the frosting.

 

Emma: And you really shouldn’t sit on that…not after what WE saw going on there last week.

 

Henry: I’m not moving! This is the best scope for my sniper rifle when I save up my allowance to get it and I have to memorize Belle’s coming and goings…

 

Snow: Emma! Food isn’t going to serve itself!

 

Emma: I haven’t seen him this depressed since Regina had him…

 

Emma: Maybe I should pity date Gold for any while to get his spirits up.

Snow: That’s your grief talking, don’t speak nonsense…

 

Grumpy: If anyone’s interested, I could be a therapist…

 

Happy: *Spit takes*

 

*Are shocked*

 

Snow: I’m um….not sure how that would work…

 

Grumpy: Well I was a dwarf so I was persecuted against, practically a slave who rose through the ranks to a royal guard…which makes me a relatable underdog and I still can’t find my true love anywhere…what other relatability do I need?

 

Emma: You’re not Archie and you’ll NEVER BE!

 

Grumpy: Well if you won’t give me the title of head shrink then I suppose I’ll just have to take it with my dwarf army! And if any of you try to fight me then I’ll have your guts for garters!

 

Geppetto: Shouldn’t you intervene?

Blue: No! Shh!

 

Red: Like…salads ready!

 

Red: Look Granny, I diffused the situation!

 

*Is awkward*

 

Grumpy: Sorry…I just lost myself there.

 

Emma: This is why I suggested we have the party elsewhere…

 

Charming: Hey guys! Did I miss something?

 

Belle: Um…shouldn’t we call the sheriff?

Rumpelstiltskin: What are you, kidding Belle? They’d lose him in ten minutes!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Besides…*Is looking for a reason not to involve anyone who can stop him* The sheriff is Emma….and I know that you wouldn’t like that…

 

Belle: *Is jealous* HER?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I KNEW you’d see it my way!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Belle, do you mind if we stop here….I have a wheelbarrow to buy…for…body dumping purposes…

Belle: Don’t you dare, Rumpelstiltskin! I know what else this place sells! I can read!

 

Belle: *Sort of likes it*

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, you did say that you wanted to involve Emma…I have to prepare for her!

 

Belle: *Moments ruined*

Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, that time she handcuffed me…best night of my life…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Have I ever told you about how we used our forbidden love to get her elected as sheriff AND got her mother off of framed murder?

 

Belle: Walk on your own!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait Belle! You have my coat!

 

Belle: Why does he hate you so much?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know! I’m probably to blame for raising his rent or something…completely misunderstood.

 

Belle: You took his hand didn’t you?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well that was hilarious.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: He screamed like a girl the whole time!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Other best day of my life. That hobag can’t keep his hands off any of my women!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Belle! Wanna know what I can do that Hook can’t?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: THIS! *Flexes hand*

 

Belle: You know…as ineffective as Hook is…that sort of says LOADS about Regina’s security. I don’t know why I just never didn’t walk out of the palace.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m still utterly humiliated at you for that.

 

Belle: And Rumpel, we need to talk about how you hang this closed sign…it’s no good if no one can see when you’ll be back because the door is in the way! And why do you have an alarm system sticker when the only alarm system you have are Doom and Gloom the devil puppets?

 

Belle: And Rumpelstiltskin, you know that you can tell me anything, right? Like…how many times you’ve been married and how many children you might actually have…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying to hold back his laughter* Sure Belle, and I’ll remember that next time you get caught!

 

Belle: *Is annoyed* Maybe I should’ve taken Hook up on that proposal offer.

 

Rumpelstiltskin: NO! Doom and Gloom, have you been partying again?!

 

Belle: I TOLD you to get a better alarm system!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit Belle! You lost my cloak!

 

Hook: That’s right Belle…work that skirt…

 

Smee: Who are you talking about!

Hook: *Is annoyed* No one!

 

Smee: How did you know this was there?

Hook: Don’t ask stupid questions!

 

Smee: How come “I” had to break in?

Hook: Be quiet Smee! Can’t you see I’m standing on the next roof in broad daylight where hopefully no one can see me?!
Belle: Hey! Who’s that?

 

Hook: I stole the dark one’s hope!

Smee: This is gonna come back to bite me, isn’t it?

 

Smee: I can’t believe you made me climb the drainpipe to get up here

 

Rumpelstiltskin: He knocked my guitar off the wall!

 

Belle: *Is sobbing* Guitar!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Hook’s face is gonna meet my ring! Over and over and over again…

 

Belle: NO!  

Rumpelstiltskin: AH! My hand! It’s not supposed to bend that way!

 

Belle: Be good and honest!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Nyeh nyeh ‘good and honest’ nyeh nyeh…

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Says the person that just committed assault!

 

Belle: It was self-defense! I’ve assaulted a lot more than that!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: You stay put! I’m gonna string up Hook and if Emma gets pissy about it then I’ll just look sad and claim I’m trying to be good and they’ll give me a free pass because that always works! And since its Hook, I doubt I’ll have to try all that much!

 

Belle: You can’t expect me to stay here and do nothing!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Of course not! I expect you to stay here and clean up this mess!

 

Belle: I most certainly will not!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, I don’t have time to argue!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve got a pirate to flay alive but good!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Now you stay here or I’ll make sure you regret it!

 

Belle: EEEE! What are you doing?
*Middle school all over again*

 

Claude: We went searching by the lake. Everyone that lived over there laughed at us…and I have a feeling that it wasn’t because of our hats this time…

 

Belle: You can’t do this to me! I’m a princess!

 

Mulan: Drop her!

 

Other Claude: Really poor choice of words! *Joker laughs* *Drops down the wall*

 

Claude: I fell down!

 

Mulan: Outer wrist pinch!

Other Claude: NO! NOT OUTER WRIST PINCH!

 

Mulan: *Tries to lift*

 

Mulan: *Falls but plays it off as a body slam*

 

Mulan: ‘Be a man’ my aunt Fanny!

 

Mulan: *Punches*

 

Mulan: *Leg drops *

 

Mulan: Ah, nothing like a good old fashioned man beating…

 

Belle: Oh great Mulan, thanks. I had to climb out of the well by myself!

 

Mulan: I had to come back for you. No one else agreed to be bait….

 

Belle: It must be nice to have the sort of genes NOT to have helmet hair when wearing that big sweaty clunker….

 

Mulan: Well luckily I just found my Pantene so my hair’s long and healthy all the time…

 

Mulan: Also, take the time to observe the new leather pants….

 

Belle: I had to buy mine used!

 

Mulan: But I can hardly move in them…so you do the work and I’ll take the credit, okay?

 

Mulan: Let’s go!

 

Belle: Well that…change of mood came suddenly…

 

Mulan: Also, you have no qualms about carrying my stuff, right?

 

Belle: Rumpel all over again…. 

 

Belle: I’d be more worried about being by myself but considering this is HOOK we’re worried about….oh great….

 

*Is also apparently a weapon*

 

 Belle: Ugh, he left me a bracelet.

 

Belle: Yay! The new comics are in!

 

Belle: Oh that Joker! 

 

Smee: I can’t believe Hook laughed at me when I asked if I could room with him!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Talk to the ring!

Smee: *Is horrified*

 

Smee: Oh snap! When I decided to betray you and tell Hook everything, I didn’t think that you’d find me and be pissed! That’s why I waited so long to leave!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I was nice to you! I let you keep that rocking hat!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: I LOVE that hat!

 

Smee: I don’t even know how we thought that shawl was stealing your ‘hope’. I mean I guess we could’ve seen you putting the shawl in your safe but to think that by taking it, we’re taking your hope is a pretty big leap!

 

Smee: *Cries* Please don’t mess up this ugly sweater…my father bought it

 

Rumpelstiltskin: *Giggles* That looks like something a father ashamed of his son would buy…and how would you know how to crack a safe?

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, if there’s one thing I like to do it’s giving this town an even bigger problem to deal with so you’re now a rodent!

 

Smee: Not cool!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: Aww…look at the cute little rat. *Pokes* So cute! *Pokes* So cute!

*Pokes* So cute!

 

Smee: I’ll infest your house!

 

Rumpelstiltskin: HAT’S MINE!

 

Belle: I’m gonna pump Hook so full of lead that it won’t be shown on network TV!

 

*So…what happens if a boat tries to dock where Hook’s ship is at?*

Belle: Well…this has to be it, I can smell his smarm the strongest here.

 

Belle: Hmm….

 

Belle: Nope. No Hook.

 

Belle: Stupid sand! *Throws it angrily*

 

Belle: AH-HAH! I knew that!

 

*Skips up the plank*

 

Belle: Wow, to hear him brag, one would think Hook’s ship was bigger than he was letting on….

 

Belle: I just KNEW he was overcompensating with that face of his…

 

Belle: Well, I moved things around his room so that should mess him up for a time…

 

Belle: What happened to Hook’s crew?

 

Jiminy: I WANT MY PHONECALL NOW!

 

Belle: Helloooo? You in there?

 

Jiminy: Belle! You and Rumpel mounted a rescue! I knew you guys wouldn’t think I was really dead!

 

Belle: Sure Jiminy….sure…

 

Jiminy: You all thought I was dead, didn’t you?

 

Belle: Ghost! *Is trying to stab*

 

Belle: Whoa, back up! I didn’t mean to accidently cut your ropes! Don’t hurt me!

 

Jiminy: Did everyone mourn me?

Belle: Rumpelstiltskin threw himself over your gravestone after you were buried. IT was very sad watching half the people that showed up pry him off…

Jiminy: Did a lot of people come?

Belle: The uh…the whole town did….

 

Hook: CORA, I’M HOME!

 

Jiminy: Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

Jiminy: I just spent days being all kinds of tortured I am going through the front entrance and knocking Hook down as he sees me.

 

Belle: Well…what are the chances that Hook will find me as long as I stay here?

 

Charming: Don’t we have servants for this?

Snow: We have to pay them in this world! Keep scrubbing!

 

Charming: Hey Snow….if Henry starts jumping on the bed, can I throw this plate like a frisbee?

Snow: That’s my mother’s fine china!

 

Charming: Oh well…I hate to tell you this but when I let Regina watch Henry, she broke all your mom’s fine china. We replaced it with dishes from dollar general.

Snow: Oh, that’s why all the patterns washed off…I just thought dishwashing soap was like magic and was different here.

 

Charming: Hey! Don’t make me wash these by myself!

Snow: Sorry honey, you forgot that I’m a princess!

 

Snow: Hmmm….

 

Charming: SNOW! Shamies!

Snow: Oh shut up David, I did this to Emma all the time as Mary Margaret!

 

Snow: Oh! Oh my! The horror!

 

Snow: He’s calling dial-a-joke

Charming: That’s long distance!

 

Henry: Stupid chicken crossing the road! Give me politically incorrect jokes!

 

Charming: Move Snow…its grandson bonding time!

 

Snow: That’s my Charming!

 

Charming: You know….death comes in many ways and takes us in many different formats and sometimes we have to deal with it. Archie had a closed casket funeral so you didn’t have to look at him. My mom got shot in front of me and I watched her die a slow and painful death…you don’t see me grieving about it…

 

Snow: *Sigh* That’s my Charming….

 

Henry: Oh look…it’s a…

Charming: PUPPYYYYYYY! *Squees*

 

Emma: Hey guys! I swiped him right out of Rumpel’s yard!

 

Snow: Emma…have you forgotten what he does to people that steal from him.

 

Emma: Oh, he won’t mind! He’s got Belle now!

 

Snow: *Struggles to hold in sobs* Stop saying those things Emma! You should jealous!

Charming: Can we keeeeeep him? I’ll feed him and walk him and love him every day!

 

*Are fighting over whose bed Pongo will sleep in*

 

Emma: Oh, what have I started?

 

Henry: You can’t walk him! I have his leash!

 

Henry: *Runs out*

 

Snow: Um….

Charming: Snow! Henry kicked me in the breadbasket!

 

Snow: I know that you’re trying to help but I’m trying to get you all to move out! Not add more to the load!

 

Emma: But it’s a puppy and…I never got a puppy when I was a kid…

 

Snow: Oh…um…well I’m allergic! Too bad!

Charming: Keep working it! We almost got her!

 

Emma: Once I had a turtle…it was a stuffed turtle named Jerry…and not the cuddly animal kind…one of my foster dads was a taxidermist…

 

Snow: AUGH! I don’t want to know any more! We can keep him! We can keep him!

 

Emma: REALLY?!

 

Snow: *Struggles to hold back annoyance at knowledge that she’ll take care of Pongo* Mmhmm

 

 Charming: Score!

Emma: Nailed it!

 

Snow: And then we’ll get a penguin next!

 

Emma: What?

 

Snow: We’ll put him in your room!