Lloyd: Are we there yet?
Frank: Just another 6,413 miles to go Lloyd.
Charming: Would you like me to roll down the window, sugar lips?
Abigail: Why on earth would I want that?
Charming: Because you look like you want to hurl
Abigail: If I want to hurl, it’s not because I’m car sick.
Charming: *Is hurt* You don’t…mean that.
Abigail: Whatever gets you through the day
Charming: Alright…I’ve about had it with your teenage wangst! I’m getting out!
Abigail: Charming! The car hasn’t braked yet!
Charming: I’m okay!
Charming: Hey, there’s a tree in the middle of the road.
Lloyd: Yes sir, and perhaps if you just let us professionals handle it-
Charming: Just make me look good in front of the blonde.
Lloyd: ….You want me to make you look good in front of Frank?
Abigail: I wonder where the radio is on this thing.
*Landing on top of the hollow wooden wagon. Nice…covert operation there*
Charming: This wood has been cut!
Lloyd: We kinda guessed that before we stopped, but nice deduction sir. Sherlock would be envious.
Charming: Darling! I shall save you!
Lloyd: Sir! You cannot chase that thief on foot! You need a horse.
Charming: Oh wait, right right.
Charming: Full on body tackle!
Charming: ha ha! My training for “American football with horses” paid off!
Charming: Whoa. Chick…is that your real hair?
Charming” What kind of swing was that?! My MANDIBLE’S BEEN CRUSHED!
Snow: *Giggles* *Is in Love*
Charming: *Is in love* I guess I’ll…hike from here.
Mary: I wish I was as exciting as my fairytale counterpart.
Whale: And so we put him up in the celling and that’s where his body’s been ever since.
Mary: Oh please stop, I don’t think I can hear you talk anymore
Whale: But enough about my dating life, how has yours been Mary?
Mary: Well I uh…I haven’t dated much since Mr. Gold.
Whale: *Irritated sigh* That’s what ALL the girls say. What does he have that I haven’t got?
Mary: Scottish accent, pink house, nice dental, sexy cane, nice clothes….
Mary *Is rambling*
Whale: I see myself in that window reflection. Hey there handsome…
Mary: Shiny hair, the ability to pay attention when I’m talking to him…
*Why take your date to the place where Ruby works? Is this the only place open?*
Whale: What were you talking about?
Ruby: If you see Mr. Gold next time Mary Margaret, be sure to let him know that I’m the one girl in town he hasn’t dated yet…
Mary: I’ll be sure to…drop him a text.
Mary: If it wasn’t for my fear of heights then I would’ve dropped myself off the roof a long time ago.
Mary: Are you living in your car?
Emma: Well Archie offered me his couch but then he casually mentioned the 24 hour wedding chapel you guys have on the edge of town and I took that as a hint to say no.
Mary: You can come live with me bestie! I used the money you gave me to buy you a futon in case something like this happened!
Emma: I think I’d rather live with Mr. Gold. At least his house in pink.
Mary: You still don’t like me?
Emma: Oh look here are the funnies.
Mary: *Starts sobbing*
Emma: NOW what’s wrong?
Mary: I’m so tired of my woobie ‘let’s just be friends’ reputation around this town!
Emma: Well it’s better than the one you’re fixing to have in a few weeks.
Mary: *Cries harder*
Emma: Okay, STOP THAT.
Emma: And I thought I had problems.
Mary: Alright kids, let’s all make everyone feel better by pretending that we actually want to be here
Henry: Just slip the oxygen tube off of him and see what happens.
Mary: Henry, what did we say about partaking in your homicidal tendencies?
Henry: *Sigh* To not to.
Henry: Most of the time.
Henry: You two should get together.
Mary: He’s kind of in a coma Henry.
Henry: And it’s still the most likable state he’s been in yet for this universe.
Mary: Henry, why don’t you go terrorize the others for a while and leave the ones that can’t fight back to themselves?
Mary: No no, me first kiddo *Shoves him backwards*
Emma: So…according to you that’s my father?
Henry: And he has the exact same scar in the exact same location!
Emma: So? Lots of people have the exact same scar in the exact same location who look exactly the same as their so called counter parts in picture books! It’s totally not the same guy Henry
Henry: Maybe if you tell Mary Margaret to read to him then he’ll wake up!
Emma: That’s absurd! How many times has he heard her voice? How come he hasn’t wakened yet?
Henry: Because she hasn’t read this book!
Emma: You’ve read this book to me! Why don’t I believe?!
Henry: Because that’s not essential to the plot
Emma: If I tell her to do this then you need to promise that you’re going to shut up if it doesn’t work Henry.
Emma: Heh easy. Eat your heart out Regina.
Mary: Henry wants me to read to a coma patient…why again?
Emma: Because he ships you and if you do then he promised that he was going to shut up about it and it’s not like you have much of a life anyway so I figured that you’d totally go for it.
Mary: But we were gonna have friends night! You promised!
Emma: Which is better? Friend’s night or Henry imagining you shacking up with 7 men and singing “Some Day My Prince Will Come”?
Mary: Alright Mr. Doe, I know this isn’t going to work but we at Storybrooke are desperate.
Mary: Oh my…the original Sleeping Beauty had THAT?! How did Walt Disney think that was a good idea to make a movie about?! I shipped them!
David: I know this is a lot to ask but I’m trying to sleep here.
Whale: Was it necessary to come screaming all the way down to the first floor and climb into my lap?
Mary: He grabbed me!
Whale: Well I’m standing closer than you probably were and I’m talking and I’m hotter than you. Why hasn’t he grabbed me?
Mary: Good taste?
Whale: According to my aside glance at the computer ,you are delusional.
Mary: I’m what?
Whale: I believe our psych section of the room has a room open. Should you want to find a nice nap there? You can even pick flowers off the wallpaper!
Mary: Yeah…no. That’s not gonna happen. I think I still have the bruises where his well-toned fingers dug into my flesh.
Whale: Well, you’re missing a good opportunity believe you me.
Whale: Wait a minute, aren’t visiting hours over? Go home! Don’t you have a job you need to get to in the morning?!
Whale: Maybe that’s why women aren’t attracted to me…
Mary: What are the chances that the demeaning tool of a doctor I dated yesterday would be on duty when I needed credibility the most?!
Regina: My broken curse senses are tingling, has anything happened recently that I should know about?
Whale: Oh nothing more than usual, Mary Margaret said that one of the patients grabbed her again. Dude was like in a coma so I didn’t believe her. I think she was just trying to flirt with me.
Regina: Unlikely. There’s no going back once you’ve gone Gold.
Regina: Wait a minute, Mary Margaret?
*Crushes phone with bare hand*
Mary: *Cries* Oh book, you’re my only friend! I’m so sorry I gave you away!
Mary: Now back to that sleeping beauty story.
*She lives in a giant…tree…cave thing? How long did that take for her to make?*
Snow: Well, back to my life of assault and crime!
Snow: *Hears creaking* Huh?
Snow: AUGH! One of these days I’m going to stop stepping into my own traps!
Snow: How did you find me?! And it’s not like I have a door, how come I didn’t hear you setting this trap? And how did you know that I’d step specifically right here?
Charming: Because I set traps all over this place!
*Is proud of himself*
Snow: Oh boy, if you can find me then I better relocate because there’s nothing stopping the queen’s men.
Charming: Oh, you mean the queen that sent out this wanted poster?
Snow: That’s uh…not me.
Charming: Murder, treason, treachery, making disparaging remarks about the Dark Knight Saga. Tsk Tsk.
Charming: Now where are my jewels?
Snow: Well if you have to ask that.
Charming: *Is in love*
Snow: If you’re talking about the ring and other jewels that you had with you then I sold them to some internet trolls on a bridge.
Charming: Then you shall help me find them! *Cuts down*
Snow: Great. I think I broke my leg.
Charming: What’s that sticking out?
Snow: That Charming…is bone.
Emma: Hey kid, thank you for swiping your mother’s shirt for me. Think you can steal a whole shower next?
Henry: I’m sure I can squeeze it into my backpack.
Henry: I’m ready for Operation Cobra. Ready to take on my adopted mother singlehandedly.
*Takes boxing stance*
Emma: Don’t do that.
Henry: I wonder how it went! I’ll bet he woke up when she…
Henry: kissed him.
Henry: Oh lookie, here she comes now!
Mary: I was reading to him and he grabbed me and it was so romantic and *SQUEES!*
Emma: What? N-No! That wasn’t what you were supposed to say! WE REHEARSED THIS!
Henry: In your face!
Mary: Shut up Henry, don’t you have school?
Henry: Don’t you have work?!
Mary: Can we go see him again?
Henry: DO the puppy eyes! It always works!
Emma: If we HAVE to.
Mary: *Squees* If he wakes up then I don’t need a bestie anymore!
Emma: *Is hurt*
Henry: Alright I trampled everyone that could possibly be in our way!
Graham: Mary Margaret was the last one to see him alive you said?
Mary: I had nothing to do with anything horrible that may have happened here! Dr. Whale would most likely be responsible since he was the last one in the room not me!
Graham: I didn’t say anything about anything horrible happening!
Mary: I knew it! I have a chance at a happy life and he’s alive and then he up and dies on me!
Regina: He just walked out.
Emma: But…he’s been in a coma for so long wouldn’t his motor functions be weak? No one stopped to say…”Hey coma dude, you should be in a coma”?
Regina: Don’t question the medical logics of this show! Henry! Off to school with you!
Graham: So are we still on for book club later?
Regina: Wait a minute…is that MY shirt?!
Regina: How did you get in my room?! I have three bolt locks on that thing and I climb out the window because I don’t want you putting anything deadly in there!
Regina: Don’t judge me, alright?
Dr. Whale: So yeah uh….guess I was wrong.
Mary: Imagine that. I don’t suppose I’ll get an apology.
Whale: ….my bad?
Emma: Enough yakking, let’s go find John Doe.
Regina: That’s what we’re doing…by yakking about it.
Regina: See you later sheriff! *Bedroom looks*
Emma: *Is oblivious*
Graham: So about that John Doe….
Graham: I was told that you two were the only workers on the floor last night and that includes doctors and nurses?
Sleepy: Zzz what?
Emma: A drunk and a narcoleptic…things are starting to make sense now.
Mary: He’s so dreamy!
Leroy: Why don’t we have an alarm put there?
Emma: Where does this door go?
Leroy: The woods.
Emma: Who puts a hospital next to the woods!?
Leroy: I’m surprised you never noticed them, they’re kind of right there.
Charming: Quick amputation, whittled a prosthetic and we’re on our way!
Snow: So…sorry about the whole stealing from you thing, I only steal from the queen’s men that come up and down the Queen’s road. Don’t ask me why they haven’t figured it out and blocked off the area and ripped apart the woods looking for me.
Snow: But I’m trying to raise enough money to leave this realm and go to another.
Charming: Passports are EXPENSIVE here.
Snow: You better be glad you didn’t break that!
Charming: What is it?
Snow: A biochemical weapon!
Snow: In the form of…fairy dust.
Snow: No! Really!
Snow: Is irritated*
Charming: By the way, what is that on your shirt right here? Looks like you killed a Muppet.
*Sam the Eagle! Nooooooo!*
Charming: So why does the queen hate you so much?
Snow: She thinks I ruined her life.
Charming: Did you?
Snow: *Dramatic* Yes….
Charming: Okay…that’s…all I’m getting?
Snow: I’m thirsty.
Snow: Have some!
Charming: It’s not purified!
Snow: That was…fairly easy. Now I see where Emma gets it.
Snow: I’m surprisingly okay with leaving the innocent man that I robbed to die!
Snow: Oh crap I just missed the bus
Guard: Hey! It’s the chick that mugged us!
Snow: I can’t look at your helmet without laughing; can you please take it off?!
Guard: It’s one thing to do something so heinous to the queen that she wants you dead. It’s another thing entirely for you to diss my sexy helmet!
Snow: Well…guess I shouldn’t have been living on the road that I was robbing then.
Graham: Hi ho, hi ho, to find John Does we go!
Emma: Shut up Graham.
Mary: I’m not wearing the right shoes for this!
Emma: You know, we’ve been hunting for him all day…shouldn’t we organize a search party to cover these expansive woods?
Graham: That’s not the way we do things…for some reason.
Graham: Alright quiet, if we just stand here then maybe we can hear his screams as he’s being eaten by bears!
Emma: I can’t wait till I’m sheriff.
Graham: That will NEVER happen!
Emma: *Feels sad*
Mary: I’d vote for you.
Mary: Oh, if only we had someone that searched for people for a living.
Emma: Hey, I do that. Huh. Weird.
Mary: This is destiny! We’re meant to find him!
Emma: *Rolls eyes* Not you too.
Mary: Hey, if this fairy tale stuff gets me a man then grow my hair out and dye it blonde because I’m friggin’ Rapunzel!
Emma: *Looks at hair* That would…take awhile
Emma: What was that?
Mary: Bears! We’re gonna die!
Henry: Hey guys!
Mary: What are you doing here?! You have school!
Henry: It’s like 8! And I think this might be a Saturday.
Mary: We don’t have weekends, we need to get you all smart enough to pass to the next grade!
Emma: You know for your mother to keep trying to keep us apart, she sure neglects you a lot.
Henry: I waited till she was went into the closet and then I locked her in. no big deal, she does it to me all the time!
Mary: The more I find out about your life, the less I want to know.
Snow: Now wait a minute now, they make Lifetime movies about this sort of situation!
Guard: Prepare to die!
Charming: I am the only one allowed to say cheesy dialogue on this series!
*Is in love*
* So they couldn’t just kill her really quickly and make it a two on one fight?*
Charming: Don’t ask me how I suddenly know how to fight.
Snow: So long sucker!
*Slowest horse ever*
Charming: Shepherd’s posing for twins are KNOWN for their archery!
Guard: Ow, my sexy helmet!
Charming: That was amazing! Did you see me!? Did you see what I did!
Snow: That arrow went through him, ricochet and nearly embedded me in the chest! What do they make those arrows out of?!
Charming: Awesome. At least when I shoot.
Charming: So about those jewels.
Snow: Yeah I sold them to some internet trolls…
Charming: *Gasp!*The worst kinds in existence!
Snow: I’m going to encourage that you don’t say anything because then you’re going to be debating with them for hours about trifling things. And no matter what you do…DON’T FEED THEM.
Charming: Is there any chance that we just can’t…report them to someone.
Snow: Every time you report one, three more pop up. It’s impossible to fight.
Charming: So…why can’t we ride?
Mary: Where did our flashlights come from?!
Henry: He woke up when you were reading to him so I think he’s left to go find you!
Emma: Henry why are we even letting you follow us? Your tiny legs are slowing us down!
Henry: We don’t even seem to be in that much of a hurry anyway.
Emma: Well we would be if you weren’t yelling and scaring away all the animals and making them cover John Doe’s tracks with theirs!
Henry: *Is shocked*
Graham: Since I’m the only one doing anything I’m letting you know that I found something!
Mary:…do you think it’s his?!
Charming: We walked an entire hour before we remembered we had a horse.
Snow" No Charming. You did.
Snow: Trolls don’t like horses, we’re going to have to let him go.
Charming: We can’t just…hide it?
Charming: By the way, how does this whole trading system work? Do trolls have a whole community under this bridge? Where did they get the money? How much do they trade for? How do they use this money to live n? Wouldn’t they trade for necessities instead of pretty things? I don’t reckon that many rich people looking for jewels come out here.
Snow: IF I put this money on the bridge then they hear it and come up to see me.
Charming: That’s some good hearing!
Charming: Trolls are everywhere!
Snow: Always are
*Most accurate rendition of internet trolls ever*
Snow: Okay so I kind of need a ring back. Long story short I’m hoping that it’s going to be mine one day. Make me look good in front of the dork and you can keep the rest of your jewels.
Leader Troll: He looks like he’s going to give us away. Spoil them and let them know how this is going to end even though they don’t live in the same time zone that we do and haven’t seen this yet Larry.
Larry the Troll: Okay.
Snow: Hey! We have every right to be here just like the rest of you.
Leader Troll: Larry, make disparaging attacks about them even though it’s things that they can’t help!
Snow: Now that’s just wrong!
Leader Troll: Hold them still while we talk about information that has nothing to do with anything just to cause trouble!
Charming: Oh my…..um…carry on.
Larry the Troll: What on earth is this?!
Charming: Please don’t judge me!
Troy the Troll: Treason…treachery…making disparaging comments about the Dark Knight Saga!?!?!?!
Leader Troll: Not even we’re insane enough to do that! But the Queen IS willingly to pay handsomely for your heart…I really don’t see her accepting our company in her court but it’d be worth a shot.
Charming: Back away, I have a sword.
Snow: I’m gone!
Charming: Me too!
Snow: Really dude? REALLY?! They’re not even three trolls! They’re sock account trolls! There’s only one really there!
Snow: Well, I DO love him. And I don’t want murder being on my wanted sheet so…
Charming: Ow! Stop pushing me down! I think I fell on my keys!
Leader Troll: Hold him down while I bash his favorite character just to piss him off!
*Is a bug*
Snow: That’s right. Anyone else wanna mess with the only character thus far that gets anything done?!
Charming: They’re all cockroaches! Well done. That’s very fitting.
Snow: Yes my fairy dust has the ability to turn people into what they really are. You should see what the Evil Queen is going to be.
Snow: Or would’ve been had you not been clumsy.
Charming: Sorry. Mind if I walk you back?
Snow: Someone has to keep you from running off and getting yourself into even more trouble.
Charming: You know they’re probably still in the middle of that road waiting for me to return.
Snow: How DID you find me anyway?
Charming: Did you see the size of that cave tree hole? It wasn’t that hard to figure out.
Charming: EWWWW, my show has bug guts on it! Can we stop at the cleaners on the way back?
Emma: For the LAST TIME Graham, we’re not going to find your Rolex here.
Graham: I’m just making sure!
Mary: Hey that looks like a body over there!
Graham: By golly! It IS a body! We need an ambulance whomever is on the other side of this walkie talkie.
Emma: You’re just getting this done NOW?
Henry: Dead body! COOL!
Graham: For a guy that was in a coma for years he sure got around pretty well!
Emma: Your town should be humiliated that a comatose man got away from you! *Takes superhero stance*
Henry: Move out of the way! I can’t see him die!
Graham: You’re not even in the right stance to do CPR! Your elbows have to be locked! What kind of inaccurate show is this?
Mary: Shut up! This is how they do this on 24!
*Don’t her hands need to be a bit higher?*
Mary: Oh I give up. Might as well kiss him before he dies.
Mary: *Gags* He just spit up water in my mouth!
David: Why does the ground feel more comfortable than my hospital bed?
Henry: Well…I’m bummed that he’s not dead. But at least the curse is breaking!
Emma: The more you talk the more I worry about you.
David: Whoa. Chick….is that your real hair?
Mary: *Giggles* *Is in love*
David: *Is in love*
Whale: I’ll tend to him since I’m the only doctor that seems to be in this town!
Whale: Why wasn’t I already waiting for him outside?
Nurse 1: It’s the kid that trampled everyone before!
Nurse 2: Lock them out!
Nurse 1: Do nurses still wear these uniforms!?
Mary: I’m going to go look through the wedding catalogue that I bought on the way up here!
Whale: I’m going to see how much he’s breathing on his own by choking him!
Kathryn: That’s right, stand in the way of emergency help!
Whale: Ooo, a new lady!
Kathryn: *Gags* I can smell your ‘tool’ qualities from here.
Kathryn: Hello David, I’m your wife.
David: No…Penelope Cruz is. I remember it quite well.
Mary: I don’t look like Penelope Cruz….
Graham: I wish I was married to Penelope Cruz…
Emma: I should try something like that except I should claim I’m married to Matt Damon.
Snow: SO this is your mother’s ring
Snow: Kinda small for a queen.
Charming: Oh my mom isn’t a queen! I’m actually a poor sheep farmer that is covering for my dead twin brother who is also the son of a poor sheep farmer and he was adopted by the king and I was blackmailed and long story short I’m marrying a girl who doesn’t love me that I don’t love all so my dad…as in my adopted father can get gold to cover costs and I’m only going along with it so that my mother doesn’t die. Also Rumpelstiltskin called me dearie a lot.
Snow: Well that’s nothing! I apparently did something to my stepmother that makes her hate me so much that she hired a huntsman to kill me and she killed my father by seducing a genie that should’ve known better by making my father look insecure and having him get bitten by a snake and now she rules the kingdom.
Charming:…Our lives are weird.
Snow: Tell me about it
Snow: Well here’s your wallet back. I picked it as soon as we were off the bridge.
Charming: I’m still positive my mother got this out of the bottom of a cereal box.
Snow: Can I see?
Snow: Fits nice.
Charming: Yeah except it’s on the wrong hand.
Snow: And THAT moment is ruined now. Thank you very much.
Charming: You’ll regret it you know. I’m quite a catch.
Actual Meaning: Please kidnap me and we’ll run off together.
Snow: Yeah, I’m sure I’ll get over it.
Actual Meaning: Yeah, I’m sure I’ll get over it.
Charming: You’re missing out!
Actual Meaning: Seriously! I’m tired of my fake dad poisoning my food and setting fire to my beds! Take me with you!
Snow: Bye Charming.
Actual Meaning: I have him wrapped around my finger now!
Charming: Now where did I set all those nets again?
Mary: What do you mean that she’s his wife?!
Regina: I don’t know how any other way to say it. Except the three definitions that I already gave you
*Arm cross smirk*
Emma: This is kinda awkward for me.
Regina: You should be in night school!
Henry: *Sigh* Fine!
Kathryn: Thank you for finding David!
Mary: It’s so convenient you showed up!
Mary: If I cut the brake lines on your car would anyone miss you?
Regina: There are some of us that are still within hearing distance of you, you know.
Kathryn: I never knew he was in an accident, we were separated and he was going to leave town even though no one had ever done that before and even though I realized I was wrong I Never tried to look for him even though news travels fast in this town and I should’ve known but since it’s all hazy I can’t remember.
Henry: You hear that Emma? Hazy. Can’t remember.
Kathryn: But I have a second chance and I could just HUG you right now!
Mary: Oh I would really love to see you try.
Whale: He’s in quite good shape for someone that’s been comatose for years and years…if only some of us were that lucky.
Whale: Hi, I’m Doctor Whale by the way.
Mary: You don’t remember me from our date two nights ago?!
Emma: And you’re attracted to this guy?!
Regina: Well, my work of wrecking the dreams of others is done for today. Come on Henry, let’s drop you off.
Henry: Just so you know, I’m totally shipping you two.
Snow: No Henry, I draw the line at having an affair. That would be completely against everything I stand for as the epitome of purity and goodness!
Emma: You know what’s funny? You suddenly disappearing and coming back with a woman that suddenly claims she’s his wife…interesting coinkidink. Especially since you didn’t know that we were going to watch the tapes and everyone that did see them was either drunk, sleeping, or looking for John Doe.
Regina: What are you implying?
Emma: Only GUILTY people would think I was implying something!
Emma: You heard me!
Regina: Well I heard you but no sensible sound is coming out of your mouth
Emma: Well nothing is….I’m horribly useless this episode.
Regina: Have a good evening in your car, Ms. Swan.
Kathryn: And we’re going to renew our vows, and have eight children, and get you a well paying job…
Mary: Take it easy Mary, take it easy, do NOT rip her hair out.
David: Wait a minute…is that….Penelope Cruz?
*She doesn’t have an undershirt for that see through blouse?*
Mary: What time is it?
Mary: Oh, it’s probably Mr. Gold here to tell me to stop wailing while he’s downstairs planning deeds that will screw people over…or to offer me cupcakes in an attempt to seduce me…always hard to tell with him.
Emma: Anyway a bestie can crash here?
Mary: I thought I still creeped you out.
Emma: Yeah but I desperately need a shower and I feel really bad for you. As long as you keep your more manic traits to yourself then we’ll have no problems.
Mary: *Surpresses Squee* Come on in!
Mary: So about that friend’s night…..
I do not own anything. All clips and references belong to Muppets, ABC Studios, 24, and Harvey among others.