We're just running a test

Saturday, February 16, 2013

118 - Stable Boy

Regina: Pfft. He always did have a tacky taste in bling.

Mr. Gold: Sorry, I was getting fitted for a tuxedo for plans that haven’t taken effect yet but will eventually happen because I’m manipulative and you’re gullible. And while I was out and about I figured that I’d stop in and say hello.

Mr. Gold: Hiiiii your majesty.
Regina: Stop greeting me like you do Emma.

Mr. Gold: There’s a big difference in my ‘Hiiiii Emma’ and ‘Hiiiii everyone else’. You’re just too deaf to listen. And besides…any other greeting just doesn’t sound right in the abridging.

Mr. Gold: Actually I’m also here to tell you to make the district attorney drop the charges.

Mr. Gold: I suppose I COULD just threaten to raise his rent but he won’t answer my phone calls after I beat him with my cane in order to get him to drop the assault charges.

Mr. Gold: Silly people and their silly lives…it’s a good thing we’re not like them Regina. I imagine you’ve been thinking of the same plan as I have that entails Kathryn disappearing and Mary Margaret getting the blame and having her shipped out of town when you place a key in her cell and she runs.

Regina: What a great idea! I mean…yeah, I’ve considering that too.

Mr. Gold: Why is it so easy? I don’t even have to try!

Mr. Gold: By the way, shouldn’t you be wondering why this is such a good idea considering that we hate each other?

Regina: *Is fully enthralled with what he’s suggesting when it comes to Mary Margaret*

Mr. Gold: Oh, if I wasn’t used to the entire female population staring at me like that then I Might get a little uncomfortable.

*Is trying not to imagine the entire female population drooling over Mr. Gold*

Mr. Gold: Now, should I just email you my demands? Because I could write them all out, but being ambiguous just certainly doesn’t leave me enough time to try and write properly.

Regina: Hey wait a minute, what are you getting out of this? You could EASILY get out of assault charges with the right bribe…what are you coming to me for?

Mr. Gold: Well I am most certainly NOT getting a wife and new son out of the deal if that’s what you’re suggesting! Oh crap, I shouldn’t have said that…

Regina: Who around here has a son that’s adoptable?

Mr. Gold: For a second there I thought you might’ve been thinking I was proposing to you…. Phew. Dodged that bullet.

Mr. Gold: Also the chance to troll you was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

Regina: Well you see, now THAT makes more sense.

Mr. Gold: I love my new cane…it leaves people’s skulls dented a little better than the old one…

Mr. Gold: Hey, in the extremely off chance that Archie and I break off our friendship, would you be my best man? Mary will probably be the maid of honor and…

Mr. Gold: Let’s just say that the wedding ensemble photo would be hilarious.

Regina: I wouldn’t have to wear a tuxedo, would I?

Mr. Gold: *Stifles laughter* I think it would be fitting.

*Waits for reaction*

Regina: What did you just say to me?!

Mr. Gold: *Is satisfied* Well, my work is done.

Mr. Gold: The season finale is the date, make sure you bring an amazing gift.

Regina: It won’t be two hours. We won’t have time for that!

Regina: *Is singing* I’m so girly, oh so girly…..

Henry: I can’t believe she pulled me away from Matlock to watch this…


Henry: AHAHAHAHAHA! I mean…nice try darling….

Regina: I think I broke both my kneecaps, but otherwise, I’m okay.

Cora: Why are you two happy? You know that’s not allowed in MY house!

*The Christmas family photo was remarkably accurate that year*

Cora: I’ll try to keep from flashing my Joker smile to keep the horse from rearing up and kicking both of you,

*Tries not to burst out laughing at the idea of the horse kicking her idiot daughter and husband*

Regina: But Mooooom! I was just having fun!

Cora: Well you’re a little too old for fun. Look at me. I stopped having fun when I was five years old and I turned out great.

Regina: *Regina glare*

Cora: I’m not looking!
Daniel: *Is terrified* Uh…uh..what was that?!

Regina: I’m going to my room to complain about how horrible you are on Facebook!

Daniel: I’m the love interest!

Cora: Why did I hire an attractive guy to be the stable boy again? How did I not see this coming?

Regina: Mom, you are so humiliating! This is why none of my friends want to come over!

Cora: *Joker Smile* Good! They’re already married anyway and I don’t want you getting ideas that you should marry normal people….now if you’ll excuse me…I have to go say the Pledge of Allegiance…

Regina: That does it; I’m going to the mall!

Cora: Not on a school night, young lady!

*Is floating*
*I don’t see what the big deal is. This would be a great trick at parties.*

*Is trying to be intimidating*

*Immediately fails*

Cora: I’ll stop using magic when you start learning to be obedient.

Regina: Why can’t I just be myself? You know…disobedient in every way!

Cora: I scoff at your idea of originality and independence. Have you been listening to your father when he gets drunk again? I swear you’re copying him word for word.

Regina: Moooom! *kicks feet in tantrum* Put me down! The last time this happened, someone mistook me for a really large bird that they were hunting!

Cora: Oh your right…getting the blood out of your dress was horrible…not even magic could get it out

Regina: And this coat is my favorite coat! Rumpel gave it to me for my birthday! He’s so nice….I don’t think I’ll ever have to fight with him over anything.

Cora: Oh Regina, sometimes I wish I’d just given you to him when you were born…too bad I didn’t know back then what a major disappointment you’d be….

*Runs off crying*

Regina: My mom thinks I’m going to my room…any way I can hide out here to freak her out when she goes to get me and I’m not there?

Daniel: Um…if I say no, do you promise not to tell your mom to use her magic to turn me upside down in the air and shake me like she did...


Daniel: …when we were kids? I STILL haven’t gotten over that.

Emma: Why does Mr. Gold insist that I wear a solid gold dress to our wedding? I felt a bit more confidant marrying him up until he showed me one that glittered…

David: I need to explain myself about Mary since I epically screw up everything except walking-
Emma: I really need to just start taking the back alleys in order to get around town…

David: Can you tell her that I didn’t even really totally accuse her outright? I just might have sort of questioned her innocence a little bit?
Emma: I don’t think she’s going to see the difference, David.

David: *Rolls eyes* Well now I have to deal with the fact that one woman’s dead, and the other woman’s in jail, and no one else will give me the time of day! My life sucks!

Emma: Let go of my door unless you want to be running alongside the car all the way down the street.

David: Yeah, as if you’d really do- *Car starts* No! Emma! Emma! *Starts running alongside the car* I’m sorry!

Mary: *Snore* Ravioli… *Snore* Disneyworld *Snore* Josh Dallas

Mary: DEMON IN THE CELL….Oh…it’s only Regina…

Regina: Does Emma even bother to lock the doors even though she knows that I’m dangerous and hates you? Or did I just use my skeleton keys?

Mary: My bestie will stop you. I know you don’t believe this but she’s smarter than she looks

Regina: I’m sure.


Regina: *Is afraid* Hey now…there’s no cause for that….

Mary: Is this REALLY about me cutting you off in traffic a billion years ago like you’ve been saying? Or is this really about something else?

Regina: ……

*Wait, what? That’s it? That’s how the last scene ended? What? Did Regina and Mary just stare at each other awkwardly before she left?

Daniel: So I’ve been thinking that it’s a good time to tell your psychotic mom about us.

Regina: HAHAHAHA! Have you even MET my mom? She casually throws me around the room when she gets bored, and you think that she’d be okay with you seducing me?

Daniel: Well I’m sure if we all talk it out, it’ll be fine! She did start out as the miller’s daughter after all!

Regina: Daniel! You can’t just start dropping pieces of exposition and backstory all willy nilly like that!

Daniel: Well someone’s got to or the fan speculation will be rampant!

Regina: Well at least wait until the music has time to swell in order to handle such a major revelation!

Daniel: This is annoying, let’s just run away together.

Regina: *Is clenching teeth* I told you, if we did that then mom would track us down and skin you alive.

Regina: Just let me feel your ab muscles for a second

Daniel: No! Your constant gropage is making me feel used.

Regina: Daniel *Gropes biceps* We can be happy. And the best way we can be happy is if you just do what I say. That’s what mom tells dad and their marriage is rock solid.

Daniel: Oh…fine….

Snow White: I’ve had enough of being a pampered princess! I’m out of here! So long having servants attend my every request! So long having to wear pretty dresses! It’s me and the forest from now on! I might even join a fraternity!

Regina: Le GASP! I must save her!

Snow: Can’t let the cameras see that I’m really an extra!

Regina: Oh for heaven’s sake, my horse wasn’t even pursuing you that fast! You could’ve just jumped off and you would’ve broken your clavicle in 6 places at MOST.

*Snow Jumps*

Regina: You see? That wasn’t so bad, now was it?
Snow: I can’t feel my legs.

Regina: Oh stop milking it for all it’s worth. Get up.

Snow: I am NEVER getting on a saddle again.

Regina: Oh just because you were riding at breakneck speed on a wild horse with none of your father’s guards pursuing you even though I was able to catch up within a minute and you could’ve died is NO reason to be afraid! The best thing to do is to jump back up and hope it doesn’t happen again!

Regina: Or at least that goes along the lines of what my fortune cookie said.

Snow: Yeah…I really don’t see me getting back on a horse until it’s convenient that I catch you in a naughty act.

Regina: Aw, you’re so cute!

Mr. Gold: Hiiiii Emma!
Emma: Oh stop it! I heard that’s the greeting you give all the girls.

Mr. Gold: No, there’s a difference. My ‘hiiii Mary Margeret’ contains vocal tones of ‘Let’s skip through fields’ and ‘pick posies down the wayside.’ Meanwhile my ‘hiiiii Emma’ contains more mental undressing and ‘if you know what I mean’ tones. Big difference. Everyone who’s lived here should know that.

Emma: Don’t think that appealing to that side of me is going to get my consent to let the DA talk to Mary Margaret.

Mr. Gold: My darling fiancé, must you be so stubborn?


Emma: *Shudders* Stop calling me that!

Mr. Gold: I have absolutely no doubt that this will end blowing up in both your faces while I stand around with an ambiguous look on my face so that you don’t know if this fits into my plan or not.

Mr. Gold: Now who would believe that Mary Margret is guilty of brutal murder?

Snow: Everyone apparently.

Mr. Gold: At any rate, by the time I am done saving the both of you…Emma, I’m going to have to get some rope to tie you down and keep you off me.

Emma: Hm. I don’t see that happening.

Detective Man: Was this a bad time?

Mr. Gold: He interrupted me…oh he’s going to die…
Mary: Was that my beloved Detective man!?

Detective Man: I wanted to give my catchphrase…but since Mr. Gold was in the room, it really didn’t make sense to say ‘have no fear’ when I’m terrified of the man.

Emma: Yeah yeah, did you find anything worthwhile?

Detective Man: Nope. Nothing that could tie back to Regina even though a couple of episodes ago, you were talking about how Regina didn’t know you knew about the set up and you wanted to keep your plan quiet and so the second person you came to is me! See ya.

Emma: Well that was weird.

Mary: Mr. Gold’s talked me into doing what he wanted.
Mr. Gold: It’s amazing how far saying ‘make me look good in front of my darling fiancé (Oh, how I love saying that!) will get me.

Mary: I have complete faith in both of you!

Mr. Gold: *checks out Emma*

Charles Whidmore: Well I’m glad you decided to agree to the interview as I came into the room! Let the verbal evisceration begin!

Mary: YAY!

Regina: Do I even have a discernible reason to be here?

Charles Whidmore: Well spending time in a storage room with the paragon of virtue and goodness and the creepiest guy in Storybrooke isn’t exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday, but I guess I’ll have to deal….

Emma: Why did I let you in the viewing?

Charles Whidmore: You and David were in the midst of a passionate affair, right?
Mary: Well I didn’t want to be at first, but David wouldn’t stop following me everywhere and doing that single manly tear crying thing that he does and finally I Had no choice but to give in and pity date him.

Mr. Gold: I saw the whole thing. At one point she chased him down the street with a tire iron.

Mr. Gold: Don’t worry mom in law, I’ll take care of you!
*Is trying to win points with Emma*

Charles Whidmore: Wait, who is this guy?

Mary: Oh he’s my attorney. We used to date.

Emma: If that DOES turn out to be my mom, Mr. Gold just got a whole lot creepier.

Charles Whidmore: And then when his wife showed up out of nowhere you followed her around town and made disparaging remarks to anyone that would hear and followed David around correct?

Mary: Just because we ended up at the same location everywhere he went does NOT make it stalking! It’s not stalking if they want it!

*Is confidant*

Charles Whidmore: And did you not threaten multiple times to stab her in the face with scissors among various other things? Such a fascination with sharp objects…like a hunting knife for example?

Mary: And where exactly would I summon the strength to cut a woman’s heart out of her body? The only things you have for evidence are a hunting knife which you don’t know is the murder weapon found in a heating vent that was loosened and a box with my fingerprints stolen at a now contaminated crime scene. And did I Mention that this box was found under a board by the river? I would hide it MUCH better than that!

Mr. Gold: Woman! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Charles Whidmore: Just get to the part where you confess, I have golf with Ben Linus that I Need to get to.

Mary: Oh trust me, I was so happy that that cow is gone but if I’d done it then I would’ve used sulfuric acid and it would’ve been set up in a place where you guys would’ve NEVER found the evidence!

Mary: Oh CRAP, that sounded far better in my head…

Mr. Gold: I’m never going to get married at this rate….

Regina: I wish this was in pink…but 'Purity and Goodness Mart' was out.

Cora: Alright, time to stop being a disgrace to the family name.

Regina: But MOOOOM, this dress doesn’t even flatter my figure at ALL.

Regina: Mom, usually you could care less that I’m secretly making out with the stable boy in the barn or riding over things on a horse that bareback or you’re flinging me around…what gives?

Cora: *Joker Smile* You finally did something right!
*Actual dialogue because the delivery is just too funny.*
*Or maybe that’s my weird sense of humor*

Regina: Does that mean you’ll love me now?

Cora: Oh darling, what did I tell you about having off-the-wall fantasies while on your medication?

Regina: Does this have to do with that kid I saved?
Cora: Duh idiot, she was his daughter.
Regina: Oh, I figured she might’ve been important when a whole legion of guards finally got around to retrieving her when I brought her back here.

Leopold: Thank you butler.
Henry: I’m not the butl- Oh, what’s the point?

Henry: This is my daughter…
Leopold: Oh thank heavens that she looks nothing like you! The way your wife was talking, she was going to be hideous looking!

Regina: THANKS mom!

Regina: *Is trying to show off her cleavage*

Leopold: Well, I barely know you from Eve, but since you were nice enough to save my kid, I somehow deduce that you’re totally a fit mother because apparently no one else was bothered to ride after her!

Leopold: Let’s get married!

Cora: Darling, the king is trying to pour his heart out to you and I heard his wife might’ve died under mysterious circumstances which gives you the opening you need. Say something.

Regina: Does this mean YOU’LL love me?

Cora: *Is smiling to hide her humiliation*

*Is hopeful*

Leopold: Marry me darlin’. And the tale of our epic love will be told from realm to realm.

Henry: I don’t want a son-in-law that’s older than me!

Regina: Wait a minute, I can’t marry you! I just remembered that I loved someone else!

Cora: That’s Regina-ese for ‘yes’. *Is twisting finger painfully*

Daniel: How is my name Noah Bean and I don’t have any relation to Sean Bean at all?

Regina: Finally! The king’s multiple guards and the little brat that keeps following me around, I was finally able to give him the slip!

Regina: *Glomps*

Daniel: Um…hi?

Daniel: By the way, thanks for letting me know that I now have to care for five hundred horses from the king’s guard by myself.

Regina: We’re going to have to run away
Daniel: This is a swinging job! Why would I-
Regina: *Bicep gropage*
Daniel: Whatever you say, darling.

Regina: I have to admit that I was reluctant at first…you are rather bland. However, now that my other alternative is marrying an old guy who’ll probably croak before I get put in his will…it’s not even a choice now.

Daniel: But I Have Nikita to play in. I’m sure it’ll be a hit one of these days.

Regina: *Is struggling not to slap him* But we’re a hit NOW.

Regina: *Sobs*

Daniel: Fine, I WAS saving up for a ring but your mom charges ridiculous amounts for my living and food expenses.

Regina: Well you better think of SOMETHING to make it more romantic than the 12 course meal and ballroom dancing that we just had.

Regina:  Or I’m certain that I can crush your skull with my hands.

Daniel: Okay Regina, okay! You didn’t have to press down that hard!

*I know it’s supposed to be sweet, but receiving a brass ring off something that goes on a horse MIGHT be a bit offensive. Especially considering how Regina turns out later on*

Daniel: I really hope this is the right size…

Regina: Oh I’m pretty sure that we’ll just jam it on there, it’ll be fine!

*Nearly breaks knuckle forcing it on*

Regina: Romantic!

*Is sort of bland*

*Audience doesn’t get invested because they know how this will end.*

Snow: Oh I knew you were too good to be true you trampity tramp tramp.

Regina: Um….um…he…assaulted me. What are you doing out here?

Snow: Trying to get back on the saddle you idiot, just like you said.

Regina: Um…in the middle of the night? You can’t even ride properly during the day! And you were going to do it all by yourself?! Did your mother pass your idiot genes down to you, because I think that might’ve been what killed her!

Snow: Ooh, that did it. Let’s see how your mom and my dad will like it when I tell them what I saw…with just a few exaggerations added.

Regina: NOES!

Daniel: huh?


Snow: This is going to be so great! I’ve never seen an execution before! *Is skipping*
*Where did the woods come from? They were surrounded by flatlands it looked like*

Snow: Friggin’ growing pains….

Regina: *Punts Snow*

Snow: If I wasn’t a paragon of purity and goodness in training, then I would have so many expletive ridden things to say about you, it wouldn’t be funny!

*Blows raspberries*

Regina: Oh get over it. Just because for some reason your dad decided that no other woman was good enough for you except someone he hadn’t even met before and you got your hopes up is no reason to be disappointed.

*Lightly slaps in the face*

Regina: Your father is a kind loyal man…at least I’m hoping. We didn’t exactly talk much due to having 50 chaperones and my mom wouldn’t let me talk and reveal my individuality but I’m guessing he might be kind and loyal and let me marry who I really want.

Snow: Oh please, being in love with someone else is no reason not to marry my father. Just marry my dad now and when he dies then marry Daniel and be happy and rich.

Regina: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever -

Regina: *Is smiling to hide how afraid out she is* And there went my soul.

Snow: Well young lady, I’m going to march you into your house right now and you’re going to tell my dad exactly why you can’t marry him so that you don’t run away and break his heart.



Regina: Oh crap, wait!

Regina: I just remembered that my mom is psychotic and if she finds out about my real man then she’s going to probably make my life miserable.

Snow: Um…if you two suddenly disappear, isn’t she going to figure it out anyway?!

Regina: Dangit Snow! You know that logic doesn’t work with me!

Snow: We could have her assassinated.

Regina: Oh, I’m so glad that I’m not going to be your mother.

Snow: *Is plotting* That’s what you think….

*Maniacal giggles*

Regina: Oh….my.

Emma: Is that really what her hair looked like?

August: *Climbs out from water and crawls over the railing* Is that you looking absolutely miserable next to a beaming Mr. Gold while getting your photo taken?

Emma: I can’t believe they didn’t use the one where I punched him in the face….

August: Yeah, that sounds like most marriages I’ve seen.

Emma: *Is checking out* And where exactly were you, last episode? Promo pics showed that you were supposed to be there!

August: I was going to…but then I tried to figure out why you’re engaged to one dude, and spending the night with another dude, and then wanting to flirt with me….

August: I am single by the way.
Emma: Yes, you manage to find ways to slip that into every conversation we have.

Emma: Hey, since I automatically trust you because of your manly man jaw, can you help me find proof against Regina?

August: It sounds like you have a case of writers block. Do you know what I do when I get hit with a block?

August: Throw it back at the kid who chunked it at me in the first place.

*Is hoping that impressed her*

Emma: Oh…

August: *Is annoyed* Just hop on my motorcycle again!

Emma: Hey, you’re not going to take me to some stupid water source where we’ll drink stupid contaminated water again, are you? Because throwing up for the next week wasn’t exactly my definition of ‘romantic’

*Are investigating*

Emma: So despite heavy weather in the area and water erosion…I think that the crime scene should be intact…
August: Steep hill! Steep hill!

August: STEEP HILL! *Crashes into Emma*

Emma: Look where you’re going!

August: Wasn’t me. *Is trying to look casual*

August: So….looks like dirt.

Emma *Is searching* Can I have some help here?

August: Well I would but…this jacket just got cleaned….and my gloves were expensive….and these pants are too tight to bend down in…

Emma: Well that’s odd. I had a team dig around this crime scene. They dug a hole that was six feet deep…would’ve thought they’d notice this.

August: *Can’t believe she’s that gullible* Yeah…mystery….

Emma: Well, *smacks arm* Good idea man.
August: Ow.

Emma: Hey….wanna frame Regina?

Regina: It’s seven in the evening! Why is he already in bed?

Henry: Dangit woman! Go away!

*Why does she shower with her door open?*

Emma: Henry, we’ve been waiting out here since two in the afternoon, I’m just going to head to your shed, alright?

Henry: Okay, you’re a go!

Emma: What?

Henry: You’re a go!

Emma: What?


August: You are SO hot right now. Did I mention that I’m single?

Emma: Why did I bring you along with me? I think it’s established next episode that you’re horrible at creeping around…

August: I do find it odd that you were so eager to get me in a dark place that most people don’t have access to…*naughty giggle*

Emma: Oh for heaven’s sake August! Just find a shovel that we can bang up to look like it’s missing a piece!

Emma: Hey! This one looks…oh wait…never mind, it’s broken…

August: I’m pretty sure that’s the shovel we’re looking for, Emma.

Emma: OH!

August: You really have no idea what you’re doing, do you?
Emma: *Happy squee*

Snow: I could kill that flower. I could kill it dead and blame that idiot stable boy and no one would be the wiser.

Cora: There you are! Aw, I always hoped to have a granddaughter that I wouldn’t have to feed and change when I was babysitting her! But since you’re almost there…I guess I’ll just have to deal.
Snow: Well, here goes nothing…

Cora: *Is draining the flower’s happiness* You know, I remember my wedding day…I was the most beautiful bride in the entire realm….ah, I’m so full of memories.
Snow: That’s the nice way of putting it, I suppose.

Cora: *Is trying to drain Snow White’s happiness* Aw! You and Regina share everything already! Even though you’ve only known each other for about 24 hours…she stopped writing things in her diary after I Finally figured out how to pick the padlock she used.  Maybe you can tell me everything she’s told you in secret…

Snow: My dad says that when a stranger gets as close to me as you are, then I have to scream ‘Stranger Danger’ and run.

Cora: You’re so cute! *Tickles*

Snow: That stopped being cute after I turned two.

Cora: *Joker smile infinity* Why don’t you tell me everything you know before I rip that cute little pink bow from your hair?

Snow: And why don’t you mind your own business before I throw you on the floor and beat you with this couch? Daddy says my upper body strength is something to be envied.

Cora: Dangit! This child is going to be harder to manipulate than I thought! She must be made of something extra tough! She must be made of the same magic that duct tape is made out of!

Cora: Come on kid, just do what I tell you and let me know what Regina said.

Snow: And what exactly would be in it for me?

Cora: Maybe I’ll stop smiling at you like this!

*Is struggling to hold in her fear*

Snow: I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to tell me about the time that I found Regina and that goofy looking stable boy rolling around in the haystack together, don’t you?

Cora: Wha-?

Snow: Oh good, she’s falling for it.

Snow: Why she’d be interested in him, I have no idea. My dad made top five of “hottest men in the realms”. Her boyfriend on the other hand?

Snow: Blergh

Cora: Don’t imagine that...don’t imagine that…

Snow: And they’re planning on running away together tonight to get eloped. They’re going to slip out at 10:17 PM. Regina is going to be wearing her blue dress and they’re going to use a black horse in case you don’t’ get there in time…not that I think you’ll mind because you’re her mother and you should support her so she doesn’t lose you like I lost my mom.

Cora: *Is trying not to strangle Snow* Aw, it’s so cute how you are so unwilling to part with her secrets…now tell me…which parent does she love more?

Snow: How dull, that was far too easy.

Emma: So…apparently everyone’s fear that you’d have the judges under your thumb proved to be untrue because I have a warrant.

Regina: You got a warrant to search my shed because of an anonymous tip that said a shovel was in there with an edge broken and the piece was found at the crime scene after the original search was conducted? Please. Would this even hold up in a real sheriff’s station?

Emma: I don’t know. I think our judge might be a recluse since we never see him. He yelled at me to get off his lawn and he’d sign whatever I gave him.

Regina: Is this YOUR handwriting?!

Emma: Are you jealous of my penmanship?

Regina: I just wish you would write in something in Wingding font. It would be MUCH more legible!

Emma: Dangit.

Regina: Um…why are you walking around like you know my shed?
Emma: ….because all extravagantly spacious sheds are exactly the same?
*How come when I had to get something in the shed, we had to do it quietly and quickly so we didn’t disturb the bees nests that were inside?*

Emma: *Is using her lying power* Where is your shovel brother?

Regina: Sheriff, that is a SHOVEL you’re talking to!

Emma: You mean this could have been a set up?! By the way, who set me up? I mean, was it you? Why couldn’t I just call the judge on my cell phone when it’s been established that I don’t think I can trust many people?

Regina: Why don’t I use this invasion of my privacy as an excuse to make your life miserable too?

Emma: OH please, even if you told Henry to stay away, it’s not like he’d suddenly listen to you.

August: I-I-I’m not hiding wooden things! But…you can’t come in!

Emma: ….
*A few minutes later*

August: Oh, just because I act mysterious most of the time and refuse to answer easy questions like what my name is…that does NOT make me a double crosser! What would I get out of betraying you?

Emma: Only you can answer that question! You’re the liar! Not me!

August: But I haven’t lied about THIS!

Emma: Claiming you’re not a liar is what a liar would say!

August: Wait what? Can you explain that logic?  How does that even make sense? What exactly would an honest person be saying?

Mary: *Sobs* *Wails* I wish Emma left me a tissue!

Regina: The door was open…I guess. Why isn’t Emma more worried that I’ll try and hurt you after the stunt she pulled in the shed? Woman should really have her locks changed….

Mary: Will you break me out?

Regina: Why on earth would you believe that I’d do that?

Mary: Because you already came here to gloat a few scenes ago, I thought you might be trying to shake things up a bit.

Regina: Oh you’ll have to convince me.

Snow: Lalala

*Voice cracks. Heavy sob. Mary breathes in a huge snotball*

Regina: Best. Gloatingspree. Ever.

Regina: I should go ahead and tell him that this bag is only my makeup case!

Daniel: Hi honey! I finally got done changing out of my nasty work clothes…nothing would make me happier than to wed you while smelling like horse manure but I suppose you wouldn’t share the same feeling…

Cora: Did you two really have to separate like that as soon as you saw me? Kind of overdramatic but what can I expect from young people?

Regina: Mom! Stop embarrassing me in front of my boyfriend!

Cora: Why on earth would you date this clod for? Didn’t you used to shove his face in ant beds when you were growing up?

Daniel: Protect me honey! She looks mad!

Regina: Mommy, I know he used to bury me alive and I used to shove his face into ant hills and I know that nothing much has changed. But except now, we’re in love!
Daniel: GRR!

Cora: Those are the kinds of things I used to say about your father. And look how I turned out. I only have my optimism to keep me happy.

Regina: GAH!
Daniel: GAH!

Daniel: You must stay strong darling! You must fight her influence….even though we’ve already seen earlier what that’ll get you.


*IS horrified*

Regina: You can’t hurt us! We love each other and nothing will change that! Not kings, or mothers or his odd love for Justin Bieber-
Daniel: For the last time, I listen to him for the beat!

Regina: And if you don’t understand or try to keep us apart then Daniel will unleash a wrath of fury so great that even you and your evilness of evil will never be able to withstand it!

Daniel: Well…*Nervous laugh* let’s not get ahead of ourselves darling….

Cora: *Weak whimper* and this is…what you want?

Daniel: Whoa, that was a rather sudden mood swing.
Regina: Oh thank you mommy! I knew you’d understand even if that came out of nowhere…

Cora: He’s not…SO bad I guess….as long as the kids look like you…and they get their…intelligence from me….

Cora: Daniel, you’re going to have to prove more than one facial expression if you want to prove that you love my daughter….

Cora: Still waiting.

Regina: It’s so sweet….

Daniel: GAH!

Cora: There we go!

Regina: MOTHER! STOP THAT! Whenever I have a chance at happiness, you ALWAYS do this!  

Cora: I could’ve kept him as a love slave!


Regina: Why have you done this?!

Cora: Um…have you not been paying attention for the last forty minutes or so of this show? I don’t want you to marry for love; I want you to marry the king!

Cora: And something about how I’ve been in love and was disappointed and got us out of poverty because of deals and…sweetie can you keep the wailing down? I don’t want the king to hear.

Regina: I’m surprised my mom bothered with hiring on help to make my dress when she can just wave her hand and summon it.

Snow: Hi mom! Tee hee

Regina: I’m going to take your ‘mom’ and shove it straight up your -

Regina: *grumbles*

Snow: And I’m sure you’ll give my dad many children as for my underlings…I mean siblings.

Regina: ….

Regina: WHAT?! Kids were never part of the deal!

Snow: Well then I guess you’re worth a lot less than my mom then and I told your mother all about your rendezvous with that loser for nothing.

Regina: What?! This is your entire fault?

Snow: Tee. Hee.

Regina: Look, I don’t even know who all of you are. Step off; are you my mom’s spies or something?

Regina: Alright you little blabbermouth, what’d you say?

Snow: Oh I just told her about how I caught you two in the barn practically ripping each other’s clothes off.

Regina: *Crazy eyes* What?

Snow: Well what did you expect me to do? I want a mom and unfortunately for both of us, you’re it. And it’s kinda trampy for you to run off with some guy like a day after you get engaged to someone else!

Snow: *Slaps Regina*

Regina: Wait a minute…I’m EVIL. I can do whatever I want if I’m queen.

Snow: I know! We’re going to be best friends!

Snow: And don’t you forget it.

Regina: Yeah, let’s see how friendly we are when I murder your father and then try to kill you…eventually. I don’t seem to be in that much of a hurry.

Snow: Well then…look forward to the game we shall play.



Cora: I just materialize out of nowhere don’t I? I pity the people that I constantly cut in front at lines during events.

Snow: *Actual dialogue* You two are going to love it there!

Snow: I guess we’ve all forgotten about Henry.

Cora: Well. I hope no one notices the body that we buried in the back of the stable….I’ve been trying to explain the roses that you keep putting on the mound so darling you really need to stop doing that…King Leopold just thinks they’re randomly popping up and when they’re done, the rosebush lets them leave the nest and they all find a new home.

Regina: Well I guess the gravestone that I ordered is going to raise a few eyebrows too. Shall I put the picture of him doing the ‘hang loose’ gesture on the gravestone? Or the one with him shooting the double guns?

Cora: …please don’t. It’ll lower the property value.

Regina: Oh mom, I’m SO gonna do it now.

Cora: Tell dad to get off his drunken backside and see me off!


Regina: I was finally able to get it off my finger! FINALLY!


Mary: My bestie failed. Bestie power is for babies and losers.

Emma: Oh don’t be like that Mary; you know I did my best! I went to everyone else and expected them to do the work for me.

Mary: IF you did your best then Kathryn wouldn’t have gone missing because you’d be the caped crusader fighting crime in the night as well as the day!

Emma: When did you get here?

Gold: It’s our dinner date. Hiiiii Emma! You look depressed. I’m sure if you say something then I’ll handle that…

Emma: You said that if I married you, then you’d help Mary Margaret and I really didn’t see you helping except for telling the DA to shut up a lot and then making sure he disappeared….is it just me or did we get a new sand trap at putt putt? Huh. Weird.

Gold: Oh my darling fiancé, oh how I love saying that! The difference between me and every single man that you’ve ever dated?

Gold: I never leave a lady disappointed.


Gold: *Is proud of himself* See you at dinner my darling fiancé. Bring Henry. Oh and we’re going to wear black suits. Dress accordingly.

Gold: *Checks out*

Emma: Shower. Shower. Shower.



Emma: Now let’s go practice with Regina’s head….

Emma: Oh yeah I better clean that up since I don’t have Ruby as an assistant to do it for me and wha-?

*Is a bug*

Emma: *Le Gasp!* August and Sidney are in it together!

August: I just realized that outside of Emma, I have absolutely no friends here…

Emma: *Jumps out of bushes* Hi *Stumbles on branch* iiii August.

August: Hello person I don’t know because they don't trust me.

Emma: I need you to write my vows for me.
*Translation: I apologize for my HORRIBLE character judgment.*

August: I didn’t think you trusted my writing ability.
*Translation: My poor manly man jaw cried half the night when you called me a liar.*

Emma: Sidney said that, not me.
*Translation: I’m HOPING you haven’t let me down in any shape or form in my life that  I was too young to remember about*

August: Why would he say that?
Translation: I am SO screwed.

August: ….
Translation: Should I get tacos tonight or dine in?


Emma: Where’s Detective Man when you need him?

Ruby: Zombie! Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!

Emma: Ruby! Why are you screaming? What’s wrong? Since when did you guys get an alley?  Why are you wearing pants?

August: Hey. I’m single by the way.

Emma: Well I’m sure that any dead bodies aren’t going anywhere. I’m going to take my time.


Emma: Oh great. Now Mr. Gold’s probably going to pop up out of nowhere and claim that he’s a coroner too.

Kathryn: WHAT?!

Emma: Holycrapyou’realive!

Ruby: I heard a headshot is the most effective. I’ll get the shotgun!


Henry: Where did everybody go?

The End

Owns Nothing

With the buildup the writers gave, Snow SHOULD have told Cora out of spite or else they shouldn’t have built it up to make it seem like Snow was at fault.

No comments:

Post a Comment