*Oh, little mermaid poster castle, how we’ve missed you*
Little Brown Riding Hook: Friggin Elevator. I can’t believe I broke the button and electrocuted myself and now I had to climb 97 stories when the power went out!
Claude: Hey you! How come you haven’t been stopped yet!? It’s not feeding time! But then again, I was pretty sure I heard scuffling and the cries of agonized death a few stories down. But I thought
that was just someone who said Grimm was better than this show.
Little Brown Riding Hook: Girl Scout Cookies.
Claude: GIMME THOSE COOKIES, SLAVE!
Little Brown Riding Hook: MAH COOKIES!
Little Brown Riding Hook: *Is slapping against the wall*
Murphy: Hey you!
Little Brown Riding Hook: HUG MY HOOK!
Little Brown Riding Hook: Slave! I prefer Captain Killian Beauregard Timothy Jones Mcsexitybritches.
Hook: The FOURTH!
Hook: *Is trying to be dashing* LLlllaadddyyyy *Trips on cloak*
Belle: *Is definitely paying attention* Who is THAT?!
Hook: *Womanizing Mode* Hey, I’m Killian Jones….
Belle: Please tell me that you’re here to remove this ugly light up rug that Regina saddled me with. Her gifts suck!
Hook: Wow…your gown is showing…a LOT Of leg! I can’t…I can’t focus…um…I’m here to…save you. That’s it.
Belle: How did you know I was in here?
Hook: Don’t ask silly questions. Claude gets drunk and goes on Twitter and said “Guess who I got guard shift on?” #BelletheonlyonethatRumpelstiltksincaredabout #Shemightknowhowtokillhimandanyonewhowantstoknowhowshouldtalktoher
Hook: Um…Belle's leg; will you marry me?
Belle: *Giggles* But we just met!
Hook: Oh, what is time when you have the answers about life that I seek?
Belle: Hey, are you the cause for the agonized screams I heard out there?
Hook: No, Regina just sentenced her guards to watch the remake of Total Recall
Belle: *Agonized Scream*
Belle: Wow, you’re rocking that bad boy look…
Hook: Nonsense Belle! We shall be married immediately and as a wedding present, you will tell me….what I need to do to kill Rumpelstiltskin…
Belle: *Is sarcastic* Yeah, because one day, the first thing out of his mouth was….
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Belle!
Belle: You BETTER not be asking me to shine your shoes at THIS point!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wanna know how you can kill me?
Belle: Geez, is that how you think our conversations went?
Hook: Well I wouldn’t know, would I? We had to deal with that stupid Valentine’s Girl Night Out story taking up airtime!
Belle: You know what? This isn’t working. I think we should see other people.
Hook: What? No! But I Love you! We can be awesome! Just tell me how to mutilate Rumpelstiltskin and maybe you can pretend to be my true love! You can’t just abandon me like that!
Belle: Well we DID just meet two minutes ago! And I can’t love you! I love Rumpelstiltskin
Hook: Say what?
Belle: Yeah, and you want to know why he has what you don’t? Because he’s an efficient villain.
Hook: I am perfectly villainous! *Backhands*
Belle: Boy, Milah picked herself a real winner.
Hook: Well, time to put my own scratches in the wall and confuse the heck out of her.
Hook: Oh dangit, I dropped it sometime during the fight. I hate it when that happens!
Regina: It’s time for your daily torture of me smirking Belle! Oh….sorry Belle, I didn’t know you had SMEXY company!
Hook: Oh GREAT! I wish we’d had this conversation when we were out of the Queen’s Castle..
Regina: *Is enamored* I KNEW that if I kept my most inefficient Guards to watch the most valuable chess piece, I’d get a sexy assassin to seduce in here sooner or later!
Hook: I refuse to be seduced, I have STANDARDS!
Regina: No you don’t!
Hook: Someone fetch me a brush! We have to do something about your hair!
Hook: Also the back of your dress fell off somewhere, just so you know….
Regina: That’s how it was MADE!
Hook: Yeah, I’m sure wearing a lot of tape under that getup is completely comfortable. Meanwhile, I Have leather that fits in all the right places and I’ve never had a problem. Slips right off when I need it to….
Hook: By the way, I’m suing you. I tripped on the stairs twice on my way up here and sprained my hand when I smacked Belle.
Regina: Oh, you are a man in ALL the right places.
Hook: I don’t need a queen living in the Little Mermaid Tower of Power to tell me that.
Regina: Hey, wanna kill my mom?
Hook: I’d RATHER go home, pop a soda and watch the game and bemoan my ineffective villain status.
Regina: Oh, what’s wrong with a little assassination?
Hook: Does this look like a face or profession that you can trust?
Regina: Oooo, buy a girl a drink…
Hook: Ow! You just snagged my chest hair and practically carved your initials into my chest!
Regina: I wish I had a servant to do this, way to slaughter all of them!
Regina: *Is immediately becoming a fan girl* Drink it so that I can have your DNA…
Hook: Pfft, no, I’ve heard about your reputation.
Regina: I think I’m going to hang a photo of myself right there!
Hook: Why is there a man in the mirror making hideous faces at me?
Regina: Oh, and if you do this then we’re going to a land without magic and MAYBE you MIGHT just be able to beat up Rumpelstiltskin for…whatever it was that he did to you…I doubt you will be successful but won’t you look cute trying…
Regina: Isn’t that great?!
Hook: I don’t know what you’re talking about; my plan was going flawlessly until you came in and ruined everything.
Hook: You know, you’re not making me warm up to you at all and I can STILL smash my stump into you….
Regina: Looking forward to it…
Hook: That’s not what I meant!
Regina: *Is irritated* Look, what is it going to take for you to fall for me?
Hook: How about not having anime hair for starters?
Hook: Also I’ve sworn off women unless they’re with Rumpelstiltskin-
Regina: *Is insulted*
*Is far more useful than he was in the first season as David Nolan*
Regina: Heh heh, I love that Rumpelstiltskin tattooed me a little lasagna on his left calf.
Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta practice my vows before Emma comes back…I can’t believe I could fit it all in a book…
Regina: Alright, you should put a price tag on him and get ready to negotiate with the first bidder. I think we should automatically give up on him!
Rumpelstiltskin: We’re giving up already? Woman, I just ordered catering and the chairs and wedding arch! Why don’t you make a sacrifice for once?
Regina: No matter how many times you push me to do it; I’m NOT going under the sleeping curse!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I would do it since I Have my true love on her way and another one here as well…but I’m the only one that has any ide a of things that are going on and I don’t want to risk myself like that….
Rumpelstiltskin: And since I have a true love here…I guess the best solution is to *sniff* destroy the portal…
Regina: How did we arrive to that conclusion? It’s been barely a few hours!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles* Look, I’m suffering through this way more than you are, okay? This is gonna break my son’s heart…and maybe mine too.
Rumpelstiltskin: We could always just wait for your mother to cross over and dump a big bucket of fairy dust or a big rock on her as she gets her bearings but for some reason that idea’s preposterous.
Rumpelstiltskin: And anyway, you’ve been murdering people since I got you. Emma and Snow should be no different since you’ve been attempting to murder them for a while now.
Regina: But that would mean I’d have to lie to Henry and I can’t do that! I’m trying to be a good mother! I’m trying to channnngggeee!
Rumpelstiltskin: So…the fact that you would kill his mother and grandmother doesn’t even bother you? The lying is what’s turning you off to this?
Rumpelstiltskin: Woman! You and your priorities! I’m ashamed that we decided to dress alike today!
Regina: By the way, how long until people notice that Charming’s missing?
Rumpelstiltskin: Knowing them? Six months!
Regina: I also sort of feel bad that we made Henry go to school while the only healthy parental figure for him is currently at our mercy and in suspended animation…..
Regina: Well, the idea of murdering Emma amuses me. I’m in.
Rumpelstiltskin: Great! Now you just stand there and do nothing until a heavy handed attempt at redemption falls in your lap and I’ll redeem myself by using the power and THEN not blowing your head off when you pretend you actually saved them!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is chuffed*
Rumpelstiltskin: And then I’ll go to dinner with my beloved fiancé and then you won’t be able to because no one really wants to eat with the person that murdered and defamed them countless times!
Rumpelstiltskin: See, this is what happens when you’re not pleasant to be around.
Rumpelstiltskin: I trust you can see yourself out. I have some mourning clothes I Need to get into if one of my plans doesn’t work out and I’m a widowed fiancé.
Regina: Not sure those exist….
Rumpelstiltskin: Well you would know!
Rumpelstiltskin: If you’re going to sling snot all over the place, please do it outside! Archie’s coming over for his telescope assembly lesson later!
Rumpelstiltskin: And you don’t want to get in the way of Archie and his telescope assembling….
Regina: But I wanna ccchhhhaaannngggeeeee!
Rumpelstiltskin: If you don’t’ stop looking like you’re gonna cry in every scene you’re in, I’m going to start calling you Liv Friggin’ Tyler.
Aurora: Not many places to hide squid ink…
Mulan: Where’s his bed?
Snow: Hey Mulan! We’re not paying you to lollygag!
Emma: So this is what Rumpelstiltskin wanted to set us up in when we got married and moved here?
Snow: Oh don’t be silly Emma, Rumpelstiltskin lives in a giant castle.
Emma: *Is so there* Castle? With a garden?
Snow: A giant garden!
Emma: I’ve been missing out this whole time!
Aurora: Well, we haven’t found anything!
Snow: Hardly surprising.
Snow: Not like that! Okay, sort of like that…but he was far too dangerous for us to allow any human contact with.
Aurora: *Is sarcastic* Crazy imp going crazier from being lonely…sounds like a plan to me!
Snow: I don’t think I like this attitude…
Emma: If he wasn’t allowed contact then how did he get squid ink in here?
Aurora: Oh…my…that’s FILTHY!
Snow: WHAT? WHAT?
Emma: Rumpelstiltskin wrote fanfiction. Wonderful.
Aurora: Looks like someone had a crush….
*How did he get the paper?*
*At least he made Emma’s name squigglies all pretty*
Emma: Oh my heavens…my beloved fiancé is a preteen girl!
Henry: And it was written that at the graveside, the puppy eyes was born *Mumbles to himself* And boy has that genetic saved my life.
Regina: Time to suffocate his corpse…Oh! Hey! Henry, when did you get in?
Henry: Through my set of tunnels underground, like I always do when people don’t want me to be where I shouldn’t be.
Regina: AW! Aren’t you cute when you’re insanely creepy.
Henry: You’d be surprised. My stepdad and Archie and I played “Call of Duty” and built boats and while Archie gave me advice on how to be a good person, Rumpelstiltskin gave me twice as much advice on how to be like him!
Regina: Oh Henry, Mr. Gold and I have….ponies to brush and butterflies to chase because we’re trying to redeem ourselves…will you be alright by yourself? We’re so gonna protect your mom!
Henry: That’s okay Regina. I trust you’re changing.
Henry: No, but it was worth the look on your face.
*Feelings are hurt*
Henry: You may leave my presence now.
Charming: I will always find you!
Regina: Stupid dirt *Glares*
Rumpelstiltskin: Think of how I feel. I have to wrestle my cane OUT of the ground.
Regina: I can’t believe you chased all the dwarves away.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, you’d be surprised at how eager they all are when I hinted that Red and Jefferson may be on the rocks. They’re not of course, they’re far too cute, but it got all of them away.
*Are Fairy Dust Diamonds…or something*
Regina: They’re so…sparkly!
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I remember you saying that when you told me why the vampires from Twilight were cool and I laughed you out of the pawn shop.
Regina: You can disapprove of my reading list all you want! But-
Rumpelstiltskin: Thank you, I will.
Regina: I wasn’t done with my insult!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wanna see if we can stick this up your nose, Regina? Because I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t hit anything important before we reach the top of your skull!
Rumpelstiltskin: Now finally, I can live my dream of being a musical conductor!
Regina: You dragged me to where no one can find me for THIS?!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is emotional and full of hope*
Regina: You did drag me down to where no one can find me for this….
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh crap, this is my rave wand…*Sighs* We gotta go back
Regina: It’s shiny too!
Regina: So if fairy magic doesn’t mix well with what you are, how exactly are you controlling that thing?
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Regina, or I’m leaving you down here!
Regina: And why does it have to be converted into dust? Why can’t the fairies just do what you just did?
Rumpelstiltskin: Might ‘accidently’ cause a cave in too
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is satisfied* Ah, now that’s a good sized wand, I have.
Regina: Heh. Sparklies….
Hook: I can’t wear my hook looking like that! My crew will mock me!
Regina: *Is trying to be seductive* You can only conveniently take one heart….
Hook: Come on! Get your hand off the hook; I just cleaned it from fingerprints!
Regina: I trust you’ve seen a heart being ripped out done before…
Hook: Like 300 years ago! And how do YOU know about Milah?
Regina: Well….One day…
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Regina!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wanna know how I killed my first wife?
Regina: *Is confused* O-okay…..
Hook: That makes sense I suppose, otherwise, I’m just as confused the audience is at how you might know about my past.
Regina: I trust you know where the heart is, so make it count!
Hook: But if my hook is THROUGH her chest and through her heart, won’t she die automatically since it’s been pierced?
Hook: You know what? I don’t think this plan will benefit anyone. I’m taking my prisoner and going home!
Regina: Wait! If you go then you’ll never…meet the Mad Hatter!
Hook: Well I do like the Mad Hatter on this show.
Regina: Oh gross…
Regina: Did you put that guy here?
Hook: Why should I care about doing that? I don’t even know who that is!
Regina: You murdered him in the cell block!
Hook: He had a black hose on his face! How can you tell these men apart like that?
Regina: Simple. Everyone except Murphy’s name is Claude.
Hook: Not quite sure that name would fit me when I get back and you take my heart and force me to servitude because that’s always what you do…
Regina: What the-
Regina: Did you superglue my seat?
Hook: Now THAT I take credit for.
Regina: Just for that, I command you to put this hat on. You’ll look adorable.
Hook: When pigs fly and you get a modicum of self-respect.
Regina: Aw, gone are the good old days when I could betray Jefferson at the drop of a hat and now the thing makes more appearances than does….
Hook: Are you gonna pull a rabbit out of that thing or can we get going?
Hook: Oh geez, that’s exciting….
Regina: Shut up! It takes a few minutes to get going….
Hook: I don’t have that problem!
Regina: Counting on it!
Hook: So who’s gonna help me carry this dead weight?
Cora: If you guys haven’t figured out my appearance by now then there’s no hope for you….
Hook: *Is checking out the blonde over to his left*
Hook: Oh my, that’s masterful artwork done on this floor….
Cora: Who is that fine hunk of a man?
Knave of Hearts: She said “I” was her fine hunk of a man…
Hook: I think Kelly lives around here, I outta look her up….
Cora: That mirror portal’s been working out great for me since I got it installed! The sexiest men have been coming through it…
*Somewhere Jefferson is crying *
Hook: I don’t like that seductive look that she’s giving me….
Cora: I can’t seduce him with everyone watching! What would that do to my reputation? Everyone leave!
Crowd: Oh thank God. I’m so tired of having to stand around in these goofy masks for hours on end.
Hook: Can you help me up? I’m over 300 years old; I’m not as mobile as I used to be…
Hook: But everything still works though…just so you know…
Cora: Oooo, is that a fact?
Hook: Heh, and Regina was whining about how hard this was going to be…
Hook: Here, have this necklace…or something…
Cora: Um…that’s been in your nasty sweaty pocket…couldn’t you have put it in a box or chest…and pick a necklace that just happens to look like the one that I forced Regina to wear when she was four.
Cora: Hey! It has my inscription too! ‘To the one chess piece to rule them all!’
Hook: Uh…you’re senile!
Hook: This isn’t the sort of chest groping that I like to inflict!
Hook: Your heart is mine!
Cora: *Is in love* You can HAVE it!
Hook: And I missed…
Hook: Grr…stupid hook…
Cora: How do you fail at something THAT easy?
Hook: I’m not failing…you just…have it somewhere else…
Hook: Kiss to make it better?
Cora: In Fairy Tale Land Lore, this means we’re mated for life now!
Cora: *Sing song voice* I’ll go get the cleric….
Cora: I knew that if I held off on seducing the Mad Hatter, something even BETTER looking would come my way…
Hook: Please don’t kiss me! Please don’t kiss me!
Cora: Hey! I just realized that Regina sent you to kill me!
Hook: Well, she’s still pretty sore over that whole Daniel thing and decided that you were actually the one to blame for his death…oh no wait, that would make sense…she wants to kill you because she doesn’t want you following her over.
Cora: Is that all? My gosh, I thought she was retaliating for me sending 800 pizzas to her house last week.
Hook: Listen, you’re family problems are fascinating and all, but can we please discuss this AFTER you let my heart beat some blood back into my system?
Cora: *Is in love* Only if it beats love for me!
Aurora: Ugh, what time is it?
Emma: The more I look at this, the more creeped out I get…can we leave the one place where my beloved fiancé obsessed over me before I was born?
Snow: No! Mulan and I aren’t done practicing our mountain climbing race yet!
Mulan: I’ll win for sure now!
Emma: Eww! If I tilt it in the light like this then it says “Rumpel and Adult!Emma forever!”
Mulan: Oh hey, I found an ink well…good thing he didn’t hide it in the celling where we first saw his character entrance!
Mulan: Aw, dangit, its empty…guess he got thirsty one day…
Aurora: Stupid side quest! *Throws rock in anger*
Aurora: Oh crap! *Door closes*
Cora: We didn’t even control her for that!
Hook: I can’t believe I’ve been this close to all of you without any of you noticing I was hanging by the wall
Cora: HA! Compass is mine!
Emma: You couldn’t have just done that DAYS ago?
Cora: Uh…I forgot?
Emma: Everyone! Help me lift! *strains* No one’s helping me!
Snow: Why didn’t we make someone guard the entrance!
Snow: Good news everyone…we finally have a legitimate reason to kill Aurora!
Cora: Well beat her up all you want because until I squeeze her heart then she apparently won’t die.
Emma: Wait…Hook the villain did villainous things by taking Aurora’s heart?
Mulan: Thanks a lot, Aurora! *Punches*
Cora: I know…this ruins your fanfics about you all and him getting together but be honest…would you let this guy near your eleven year old kid or grandkid? No.
Cora: Well, say goodbye sweet baboo, I’ll be listening as you tell them why I’m sexier than they are….
Emma: *Shows a little shoulder*
Aurora: So when Hook told me that he was a heartthrob, he was trying to be literal?
Emma: I do have to say that your reasoning is pretty darned stupid. What, you don’t want us to think that you’re capable of backstabbing us even though you admitted that you were capable of it when we found you lying about your identity and so when you’re mad at the idea of us thinking you’d double cross us, you double cross us and prove us right?
Hook: Hey! Shut your face! My plan was perfectly solid!
Hook: We’ll get together once you inevitably defeat us and we all go to Storybrooke, right?
Hook: Also, I swiped this from the giant…
Emma: So then why do you need the compass again?
Hook: Well I’m not gonna USE the bean! I’m gonna wear it! I think it’ll look great!
Hook: Also I’m hungry, so it might not see the trip to Nostos.
Snow: *Bursts out laughing* I know EXACTLY where you’re talking about. Yeah, good luck succeeding there, moron.
Hook: Aw crap, I just gave away where we’re going, didn’t I?
Hook: Well, have fun rotting away in here and remember that underneath all this, you rightfully chaining me up is the cause of everything that’s happened afterwards.
Cora: Baboo! I’m waiting!
Hook: *rolls eyes* Which I majorly regret by the way…
Emma: Oh, somehow I don’t….
*Is trying to give her the sexy face so she knows she’s missing out*
Cora: That’s my buttercup!
Red: Like…this better be good! You interrupted me from my Jefferson Family Fishing Vacation and Jefferson and I were cuddling by the roaring fireplace and he was teaching me how to play Jenga and we were comfy!
Red: Hey! Did you hear me? I said that I was cuddling with my man! You know…while you should be cuddling with Nova?
Grumpy: Eh. I tried. Apparently I hurt her feelings so bad that now when I pass her, she hisses and throws things at me.
Red: Oh hey, the fairy dust is gone…
Grumpy: Yeah…we should’ve thought to put a far better guard detail when our main source of power is uncovered and we have two power hungry freaks roaming the place….
Red: I’m not having my vacation, am I?
Grumpy: Well at least you get to hang with me. It could be worse. It could be Charming.
Henry: Oh book, you were always such a character in the first season and I’m sort of sorry that I abandoned you as soon as cooler people showed up.
Red: Like…Henry, I totally got your murder posse assembled, we gotta hunt down Regina and Rumpel
Henry: Oh Good! I’ve just been saying that it’s time for a good murder…
Grumpy: Hey! Um…what’s Charming doing?
Happy: It looks like he’s sleeping!
Grumpy: *Is annoyed* We can see THAT! Why didn’t he call any of us and why aren’t we shocked?
Happy: Because it’s Charming?
Grumpy: Oh yeah, that’s true…
Henry: *Rolls eyes* Regina ruins everything!
Henry: I should’ve known something was up when my stepdad told me that he was getting things ready for the wedding and he started crying before he reached the door and since Regina was the closest thing there, he grabbed her and held her and sobbed into her shoulder and made it really hilariously uncomfortable….
Red: Henry…your murder posse is ready to back you up!
Snow: Emma, stop trying to escape…not even Rumpelstiltskin could escape that thing…
Emma: Well, HE was also magically neutered and there was only one of him. And for a door that can’t be moved, it’s still rattling around pretty good…
Aurora: This is all my fault!
Mulan: Yes it is, Aurora, yes it is…
Emma: No, this is my fault…if I hadn’t gotten in the way of the wraith and just pushed Regina in like I was secretly wishing I could do, then none of us would be in this predicament.
Snow: Don’t worry! I have hope that you’ll think of something to get us through this…because I’m not helping anymore. I walked into a burning room of fire and I’m done.
Emma: That’s nice Momgret, I haven’t slept in weeks. I’m going to do that now.
Snow: *Rolls eyes* My daughter.
Emma: And Rumpel will marry Belle, and Regina will marry Hook and raise Henry and they’ll amuse themselves by putting Charming’s body in awkward positions and laughing and then Hook will discover the internet and troll and we’ll still be here slowly starving to death.
Snow: Hey! It could be worse!
Snow: Charming could still be David Nolan! So there’s that…
Emma: Ugh, I just imagined it!
Snow: Me too *Cringes*
Emma: Eh, I was never much savior material anyway. I was always being controlled and manipulated.
Snow: Well gee, welcome to Rumpelstiltskinland.
Emma: Well, at least he spelled my name right when he was lovingly writing it…
Emma: …the psycho.
Hook: Why are we walking? You can teleport!
Cora: I like watching that little bum of yours moving while you walk….
Cora: Ah, my lake house…
Hook: Did the lake get up and leave?
Hook: Aw! I was hoping there would be a lake! I wanted to waterski!
Hook: You’re imagining me in skintight trunks aren’t you?
Hook: *Is annoyed* Knew it.
Cora: Ah, good to see Old Faithful is still hanging out.
Hook: FINALLY, I can take a shower!
Hook: You might want to turn away Cora…some things are left better to the imagination.
Cora: I’ll be the judge of that!
Hook: You know what? I’m showering with my clothes on.
Hook: So where’s that cleric….
Cora: I told him to wait. I’m enjoying looking into your eyes…
Hook: So I really don’t want to end up with a sucky Milah death yet, I’m thinking that we should team up…
Cora: Like marriage? I’m in!
*Tries to kiss*
Hook: *Trips over feet*
Cora: Regina lied to you. I don’t know how I know about this curse and the fact that it’ll last 28 years…but oh well…maybe we’ll find out how I know in my origin episode. But you’ll forget who you are and chances are, Regina will make you and Rumpelstiltskin fraternity roommates or something….did Regina leave out your memory problems from the contract negotiations?
Hook: Why is everyone out to screw me over? I think I should just continue what I was doing before you all came along….
Cora: Or you could swear fealty to me!
Hook: I don’t want to swear fealty to you! I feel all kinds of undressed and hearted out!
Cora: Please Hook, who else is gonna tolerate your murder attempting womanizing ways as much as I have?
Cora: *Is chipper* Well! I’ll pack my things!
Jefferson: TAKE ME INSTEAD! TAKE ME INSTEAD!
Hook: Who was that?
Cora: Oh he’s no one, just the previous guy that Regina sent in here.
Jefferson: THESE PEOPLE ARE INSANE!
Hook: Maybe I should team up with him instead…
*Most color in a dead person ever*
Hook: Nice gorilla suit, poof head
Regina: Shut up, this is supposed to be a tender moment!
Hook: Should I get you a banana or ring up Tarzan and ask if he’s got anything to do today?
Regina: Get out!
Hook: Did I even get paid for this?
Regina: Well Hook, I have to say that you’re the most trustworthy pirate I’ve ever known!
Hook: Yeah, that’s great…so I’m gonna raid your closet now….
Hook: Pretty sure I could rock that crown better than she could….
Cora: After 10 years of not having a problem and now my nose itches!
Hook: Hey, I know this is probably a bad time but can I take a bubble bath?
Regina: So nice of the pirate to drag the giant stone coffin through the hat with him….hey wait, are you breathing?
Cora: Frig, I gotta learn how to stop doing that. *Holds breath*
Regina: Huh. That was weird. Oh I’m seeing things, Dead bodies don’t breathe….
Regina: Mommy, I’m not happy. You killed my bland boyfriend and on top of it, everyone started hating me once I began mass slaughtering their loved ones! How come this was never a problem when you did it?
Regina: And you’re ahead of me on the Royal Approval Rating! I mean, seriously, what? I throw you in the looking glass to punish you and instead you take over? You had a pretty good life over there and mine has SUCKED.
Cora: Rip my heart out so that I can get out of this….
Regina: Did you say something mommy?
Cora: Dangit, I hate playing dead before my morning coffee *Says nothing*
Regina: That was weird too…oh well, what am I kidding? Dead bodies don’t talk…
Regina: They also don’t have a pulse either but Hook ran over there and started randomly playing the drums every time I tried to check and I couldn’t concentrate when I thought I felt one…
Regina: Well here, have this rose; I know you’re allergic….I luv yu, Mommah!
Do the Roar Kid: I Luv Yu, Daddah!
Regina: And so nice of Hook to put your makeup on too…
Cora: *Is struggling not to sneeze until she realizes it’s fake*
Regina: Well I guess I could put the lid on her but…nah, I’ll just let her get nice and ripe…
Regina: I should stop for a drive before I cast the curse. The lead bird in Birdemic isn’t gonna cast itself….
Hook: So, I just get my paycheck and leave, right?
Cora: *Is checking out* No pookie bear, we’re in this for the long haul…
Regina: On second thought, maybe I should get that extra pair of shoes before I- Hey! What are you doing with my mom!?
Hook: Um….taking her body out for its morning walk?
Hook: Oh sure, you pretend to fall and twist your ankle so that I’ll pay attention to you but when I carry you and I fall and break my ankle in 3 places, somehow YOU get the walking stick…
Cora: You broke your left ankle, Hook. I’m not sure this would do you any favors…
*Fans pause to try and get a view of what FTL looks like*
Cora: So this looks like a good spot to build our marriage vacation home…
Hook: How long is this gonna take? I wish I brought a lawn chair…
Cora: And it’ll just be you and me here for 28 years!
Hook: I don’t think I thought this through….
Hook: Hey, so um….funny question but if we own this thing, can we call it Killian’s Island?
Cora: Shh darling…I didn’t want your body for your personality…
Hook: *Just dawned on him* 28 years!
Cora: Killian, you’re already hundreds of years old, okay? Get over it.
Killian: *Is mentally whining*
Cora: Hey, I just thought of the best name to call you! My Sweet Baboo! Rumpelstiltskin used to call me that and it was so cute!
Hook: Why does it always seem like I’m getting Rumple’s sloppy seconds in this series?
Cora: Hey, we have this staff here, wanna take turns pretending we’re crippled!Rumpelstiltskin?
Hook: You know, I think I’ll just stand here and look thoughtfully into the distance…and
pretend you DON”T creep me out…
Cora: Oh Sweet Baboo…playing hard to get!
Regina: We could’ve driven. I’m just saying.
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t want your butt defiling my car and I’m not riding in your trash compactor that YOU call a vehicle.
Rumpelstiltskin: Um…who moved the well?
Rumpelstiltskin: Friggin August, pranking us when we’re not looking.
Regina: Who’s August?
Regina: Ugh, did you lure me here to try and throw me in again.
Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit Regina, stop wearing Color Changing Mood Shirts….I didn’t wear my mood tie!
Snow: It just occurred to me that your boyfriend is insanely creepy, Emma.
Emma: I didn’t want to date him!
Snow: Hey, wanna know something funny? I figured out that Rumpel used the ink to write with hours ago…I just wanted to bond.
Snow: I used to sneak into Cora’s room and watch her do spells!
Emma: For like…the two days she was at your castle?
Snow: *Is getting emotional* Rotten allergies. I can’t believe I forgot that Asbestos is in these walls…
Snow: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay….so you guys wanna see a magic trick?
Emma: If you are offering to make a pencil disappear, I am leaving.
*No! Rumpel worked hard on that!*
Emma: Whoa! Ink makes words on paper!
Snow: Mmhmm, that’s what I Thought.
Emma: I just imagined that being Cora’s FACE!
Aurora: Hey guys! Can I come too?
Mulan: No! You’re crazy!
Aurora: But I can help! Now I know which voice in my head NOT to listen to!
Mulan: No, you’re not coming with us. I’ll tie you up if I have to.
Aurora: But if you all die then I’ll starve to death or something…
Mulan: *Is exasperated.*
Mulan: This is about to go around your neck if you try to follow us.
Aurora: NOOOOO! *Tries to run*
Mulan: Please. You’re wearing heels. *Tackles*
Aurora: Don’t leave me without the thought of coming back!
Snow: Yeah, you thought I just forgot about you holding a knife to my throat, didn’t you?
Cora: Alright sweet baboo, you may do the honors of opening the portal…and don’t poke around about it. I know how you always want to do your hair and makeup to always look your best but we don’t have time!
Hook: Frig! The stopper won’t come off!
Cora: Oh, you don’t have two hands? I guess you still need me!
Hook: GAH! *Extra adrenaline shoves bottle top off and sends it flying*
Hook: Open! Open! Hurry up!
*Seems like a really long drop*
Cora: Oh wait…I can’t swim…
Regina: God, this is boring.
Rumpelstiltskin: *Waiting so long that he zoned out*
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I’m done. Good luck against your mother, Regina.
Regina: Wait! How am I supposed to chhhannnggeee if I don’t get help?
Rumpelstiltskin: That’s it Regina, you’re getting your head blasted off, I told you I’d do it if you whined about that again.
*Regina’s mood shirt doesn’t approve*
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh hey, the portal’s open! *Is sort of disappointed as he hasn’t blasted anyone’s head off in a while*
Rumpelstiltskin: So I totally did that.
Regina: That makes me so happy that my shirt is back to its original shade…
Cora: Now look, this is the portal of all portals or something, so don’t let go of my hand….I mean the compass…you don’t want to end up somewhere NOT in Storybrooke.
Hook: But I need to stop by Neverland, I left my oven on.
Hook: OW! How rude!
Cora: What wazzat?
Emma: I’m glad we found that shortcut that led us right here in a matter of seconds…
Snow: *Is Mary’d out*
Mulan: *Is preparing to be the only reason this might be halfway successful*
Cora: *Actual Dialogue* Hide the compass; I’ll take care of them.
Hook: How am I supposed to hide it, if they’re all watching me?
Mulan: I’m a baseball batter!
Hook: Really? Why don’t you just yell your moves too if you’re gonna make it so obvious!
Mary: Die Kathryn Hook! *Shoots*
Emma: OWWW! MOMGRET!
Hook: Oh! Are you okay?
Emma: No! I’m fine!
Hook: Oh stop, I’m trying to help!
Emma: It’s just a flesh wound!
Hook: It went through your chest!
Hook: Don’t be a baby, Emma. I wanna play doctor!
Mulan: *squaring off* This is for Lancelot!
Cora: Come near me and I’ll hit you with my purse!
Mulan: *Grabs purse from Cora, throws it up, and hits with a sword*
Emma: I don’t want to play doctor with you!
Hook: Oh nonsense, Emma, look how limber I am! *Bends over, purse lands on his hook by accident* Hey! What’s that?
Mulan: You saved Aurora’s life! You MUST be a good guy in tight villain clothes!
Hook: Sure…totally….that MUST be it…I’m sure it has nothing to do with lessening enemy numbers or keeping the portal from closing if something fell through it, and the fact that Cora’s not here right now at ALL!
Mulan: See you guys later!
Snow: Wait! We need you!
Mulan: You should’ve thought about that before you tackled me twice and nearly shoved an arrow in my neck!
Mulan: *Runs off*
Hook: So…any chance that all three of us can jump in and forget all the chaos I helped Cora inflict?
Hook *Turns to go jump in the portal, but stumbles over feet*
Emma: Ha! Blocked!
Hook: Oh crap, I didn’t mean to do that!
Cora: Okay, I’ve had enough of watching your daughter and my man rolling in the ground together, I’m taking it out on you!
Mary: Try it and reap the consequences, grandma!
Hook: *Giggles* Everything I do is suggestive, even killing you.
Emma: Hey give that back! I need to return it and I’m not even sure where I got it from!
Hook: I know that the view from your side is as remarkable as the view from mine. Maybe even more so.
Hook: I’m making sexual harassing dialogue to make you fall for me by the way. Some still think it’s hot….
Emma: Yeah, that’s ALL Kinds of sexy and it’s great that you’re pinning me down and stuff like that…oh by the way, who has the compass?
Emma: I DO, THAT’S WHO, BABY! Now you can see your horrified face in the reflection!
Emma: KNEE TO THE BREADBASKET!
Emma: Of all places to pin me down, you just had to do it ON the compass! Way to go Hook, you fail on such a spectacular level that now it’s becoming adorable…
Hook: Oh, you found it for me! Now I can kill you! See? I am TOTALLY an effective villain!
Hook: *Trips and knocks self out*
Regina: So…how do we know when it works…?
Rumpelstiltskin: Well hopefully Cora’s head won’t land in my hands like last time but when we hear her agonized screams…yeah, I’m guessing it’ll work…
Henry: Uh….hey guys…what are you doing?
Red: I guess my scent tracking helped me find you all!
Regina: Dangit Henry, can’t I ever murder your biological family in peace?
Henry: Seriously? Charming’s not gone for an hour and you’re already insane?
Rumpelstiltskin: I heard you ran off with the hatter! *Throws*
*Is knocked out faster than a regular on Smallville*
Henry: Ooo, can someone teach me that?
Regina: Go HOME Henry!
Henry: Oh yeah, let me just back a bag and get ready to go live with you after I find out that you’re going to murder my mom and grandma AGAIN!
Regina: Henry, this isn’t about your family, this is all about ME and MY mother.
Rumpelstiltskin: Of all the many things Regina fails at, murder is looking to be yet another thing high on the list.
Henry: Why can’t you just pop her head off as soon as she shows it? I mean, I don’t even really see her crawling out of the well, do you?
Regina: *Is imitating* Der, I don’t see her crawling out of the well.
Regina: Suck it up Henry, death and despair is just one of the many services that I have to offer!
Cora: So I guess we’ve just been circling each other this whole time?
Emma: Ha! Scared her away! Let’s run!
Snow: Towards the purple smoke! It’s the only way!
Snow: Darn it! I think I found the siren’s crown!
Cora: Seriously? My baboo lost a fight, consciousness, AND the compass? Typical. This is why I usually handle the fights.
Snow: Emma! Little help!
Emma: No, Mary Momgret, five more minutes!
Snow: Why do you want to go to Storybrooke?
Cora: Did you honestly just ask me that? Have you SEEN this place? Um…I’m EVIL. Do I really have to go into any more explanation?
Snow: You’re right; I guess questioning that IS sort of stupid…
Emma: Mary Momgret, get your BUTT moving!
Emma: Oh geez, that hurt.
Cora: Wow, really? Sacrifice and crap? That makes me chuckle heartily. *Chuckles heartily*
Emma: Yeah, listen can you cut the gloating short…the portal’s only gonna stay open for like half a day apparently…
Cora: Dangit, I can’t rip your heart out! Your sternum is blocking me!
Emma: This isn’t feeling that great for me either! Can’t you just squeeze it in my chest or something!
Emma: Oh sweet! Rumpel installed some sweet kicks into me when he created this curse! I’m virtually heart unbreakable! And as for you Cora…
Emma: I think I might need CPR.
Emma: *Is freaked out* Um…Mary Momgret, what are you doing?
Snow: Your heart is special! WOAH!
Snow: You get that from me!
Emma: So is Cora knocked out? Maybe we should kill them or take that bean that Hook had…but I really don’t want to search him….
Emma: Let’s just go! I’m tired of this storyline.
Snow: Here I come! Kathryn beware!
Snow: I mean Regina!
Henry: I’ll absorb the well portal with my evilness!
Regina: Little help, Gold?
Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, I’ve been doing all the work! IT’s high time YOU contribute some too!
Henry: HHHEENNNRRYYY GOLLLLLDDD!
Regina: You’ll die!
Henry: Well gee; add that to the list of things that have put me in peril because of you!
Regina: Henry, don’t be like this! I wanna chhannngeeeee
Henry: Yeah, seeing that right now as you practically jumped to the call of killing my biological family and making them die and sleep as a result of trying to ‘protect’ me again. You’re really bad at this whole changing thing!
Henry: Did you really think that my biological family would die and I would find out and I WOULDN”T be suspicious when I found out you were there? What kind of an idiot do you two take me for? Bad marks on this test, all of you!
Regina: No! I can’t fail another parenting test…Henry won’t have anything to do with me and I’ll have to repeat this half of the season!
Regina: Well, well of death here I come!
Regina: UNLIMITED POWAH!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t pop her head open like a watermelon, so technically I saved them too….where’s my dinner invite?
Regina: THIS HURTS. *Peeks to see if Henry looks worried*
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh please Regina, it only feels like a bee sting, stop being so dramatic.
Regina: See? I sacrificed myself for your happiness! But let’s be honest, I probably knew I wasn’t gonna die or else I wouldn’t have done that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well I don’t hear evil cackling and I don’t see someone riding out on their broomstick so I’m assuming that no one made it…
Snow: Ow! Your shoe is in my face!
Emma: Well get some upper body strength and lift me up!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is hopeful* Beloved fiance?
Emma: Hey, Mary Momgret! You wouldn’t believe who’s all out here. Regina laying prone, Ruby laying prone, Henry, and my darling fian- I Mean, Mr. Gold.
Henry: The mother that DOESN”T lie and abuse me! *Squees*
Emma: Okay, I’ll let you hug me but if you barrel into me and we go falling into the well then you’re going to go live with your other mother.
Henry: I know that’s how you say you love me.
Snow: GLOMP ATTACK!
Emma: No Mary Momgret! Stay out of the bonding!
Regina: Well how dare they not include ME in that hug!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t…get…thanked….
Snow: Leave it to Regina to spoil the moment.
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, have fun walking all the way back to town, Regina!
Red: Like…what happened?
Rumpelstiltskin: its fine Red, all the important stuff is over…you can get up now.
Henry: She saved you!
Emma: Wait, what?
Henry: Ha! Just kidding. She didn’t necessarily save you; she just didn’t let you die after she and my stepdad -
Henry: *Is oblivious* set the death portal up. I think I’m the one that saved you and I should get credit for it since it was ME that guilted her into it. But no…the fans are probably gonna hate me because I don’t think to include Regina in every little thing in the next couple of scenes.
Red: SNOW! You’re totally back! We saved you! Your husband’s the sheriff! I got married! We’re also expecting probably!
Snow: Wow, that’s a lot of news! I met Aurora, Mulan, Hook, bonded with my daughter, killed an Ogre, beat up Mulan like twice and went hand to hand with Cora!
Emma: Oh. Hey Emma.
Red: Wait till you meet my family!
Snow: *Squees* Oh wait, isn’t he the one I kicked out the window?
Red: Oh its fine, I told him that I wouldn’t marry him unless he forgave you! It was our first fight! We had it three minutes into our relationship!
Snow: Your relationship lasted longer than mine did before the fight.
*Both skip off*
Emma: *Giggles* I forgot how crazy these people were.
Regina: Funny, I always remembered.
Emma: Wait a bit…Jefferson’s off the market?
Emma: So…you didn’t abuse my son too badly while I was gone, did you?
Regina: Oh stop, I just nearly gave him another mental scar to add to the ones I’ve already inflicted.
Emma: I hope that was sarcasm….
Doc: We’re a horrible murder posse; we haven’t found anyone worth killing at all…
Snow: CHARMING! OMGZ!
Grumpy: NO! Don’t do it! We like them this way!
Snow: Pucker up, you have no idea how long it’s been!
Red: Like, don’t be a drama queen, Emma. Rumpelstiltskin has this building rigged to where the air comes on as soon as he enters.
Charming: Ooowwww! You’re sitting on my arm!
*Are satisfied that he’s fine*
Charming: Hey, where’s my wallet?!
*Are attempting to lalalala while swapping spit.*
Henry: Someday that’s going to be you and my stepdad, Emma. Now if they’d only stop because I’m getting the need to use brain bleach.
Regina: *Stupid happy people*
Emma: Um…we’re still watching you know….
Rumpelstiltskin: Ah! So THIS is where I put my Blockbuster Card!
Emma: Good Lord, that was filthy!
Rumpelstiltskin: She’s here! *checks appearance in reflection, pops a couple of mints in case this goes anywhere*
Emma: We need to tal-
Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiiii Emma!
Emma: Missed doing that, did you?
Rumpelstiltskin: More than you’ll ever know.
Rumpelstiltskin: And no matter what you hear, you should know that I totally gave up my true love because you seemed like the better deal in the end of everything…so if you hear rumors that we go to the diner together, it’s TOTALLY not true!
Emma: I don’t even want to know what’s going on. I-
Rumpelstiltskin: I missed our tension!
Rumpelstiltskin’s Inner Monologue: I missed you!
Emma’s Inner Monologue: Why do all the love interests I have that aren’t Archie always make this guy look decent by comparison?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is awkward* So…how did you like over there?
Rumpelstiltskin’s Inner Monologue: I hope she didn’t go to my castle because that would be embarrassing with her seeing my bachelor FTL self…I was hoping to ease her into my sexy looks?
Emma: Not bad. I threw around some old woman with magic and beat around a pirate when he kept getting handsy…
Rumpelstiltskin: That WHORE put his hands on you?!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is….
Emma: So are you going to explain to me about this magic thing or am I going to have to use it when it’s plot convenient?
Rumpelstiltskin: You’re powerful Emma, why do you think I glommed onto you in the first place?
Emma: So it WASN’T for my winning personality?
Rumpelstiltskin: Well it is now!
Emma: Are we even technically still engaged?
Rumpelstiltskin: We could be…but I Think we should see other people for a while. After all, you need time to adjust and time to meet the real me and even though I do love saying ‘my darling fiancé’ as many times as I can…it doesn’t feel like an engagement if we spent more time apart than together, I’m just saying.
Emma: You mean I could date Archie again if I wanted to?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Sobs* Until I sabotage it when I want you back, or he dies, then yes!
Emma: Thank God!
Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t be so relieved, Emma. The moment Belle breaks up with me over something silly as murder again, I’m totally gunning for you.
Emma: Try it and see what happens if it isn’t wanted! I have magic! I’ll knock you down!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh darling…you know I always get back up and I’m crippled so you’ll feel bad.
Rumpelstiltskin: But I don’t mind being friends, Emmmmaaaaa
Emma: Please don’t say ‘with benefits’, please don’t say ‘with benefits’.
Rumpelstiltskin: Now get everyone out of my back room. I saved that cot for you and me on our honeymoon! Not for your parents for their second!
Mulan: Ew, it’s beating in my hand!
Aurora: Um, you’re sticking it in my chest…can you…are you holding it right?
Mulan: How should I know? Stopping hearts are usually my goal.
Mulan: Alright, I’m going to close my eyes as I stick it in, I can’t look.
Aurora: You’re sticking it in my chest, I can’t look either!
Mulan: Are you dead?!
Mulan: *Is hopeful* You’re dead! Philip is mine!
Aurora: *Gasp* Don’t get your hopes up. I just had to turn the ignition!
Mulan: *Is disappointed* Wonderful.
Aurora: Can you stick your hand back in there? I think you’re a few full millimeters to the left?
Aurora: Well Mulan…or should I say ‘About to be Third Wheel’ Let’s go rescue Philip!
Mulan: *Is further disappointed* This is why I miss Shang.
Aurora: Would you be my bodyguard?
Mulan: No. In fact, since I’m sure that we’re the only two left in this world, I’m going to have to teach you to fight eventually.
Cora: How disappointing. When I called for Hook’s recommendation for Villainy Partnership, I should’ve taken the hint when all his references said ‘Hahahaha, he gets beaten by everyone.’”
Hook: Hey Cora, what’d I miss?
Cora: Well, the portal flushed so it’s only you and me.
Hook: *Is heartbroken* So, Emma’s gone?
Hook: Well, I’m ready for dinner, want half of this?
Cora: Hey! Isn’t that the petrified bean that would’ve been easy to use in the first place?
Hook: It is?
Hook: I knew that!
Hook: Can I keep this chain? It matches my other one so well.
Hook: And Emma gave it to me. And by gave it to me, I mean that when it was cold and we were all pressed up together for body heat, I stole it while she was asleep.
Hook: *Hopes to make her jealous because it’s funny*
Cora: No you can’t keep it!
Henry: Oh Regina, you’re still here?
Regina: Oh hey, so I’m chhhaannnnggginnnnggg because I saved their lives.
Henry: Regina, it doesn’t count if I had to BEG you to do it!
Regina: Stupid begging! *Glares*
Henry: Well then do better at redemption! *Smirks*
Regina: AUGH! Human contact!
Henry: Alright murder posse! I got her! Get to doing what you do best!
Henry: Call me Henry Gold and you might leave this room!
Red: Like, I’m starving. Let’s go eat at Granny’s; she’ll be thrilled to see you! You all mean business!
Charming: Hi Emma! I’m your father.
Emma: Yes Dadvid, I know who you are.
Henry: Wait, I’m hungry too!
Regina: In a minute! I’m not done absorbing his happiness!
Henry: Well, see you later Regina. I do have to say that I’m surprised everyone bashes me so hard in this scene considering that I gave you credit for saving them when they weren’t in danger until you and Rumpelstiltskin put them there, I’m going to hang out with my biological family now
Regina: How DARE he choose Emma over me even though he just reunited with them and thought they were dead at several points during this season!
Rumpelstiltskin: What are you harping about? I didn’t get a lunch invite either and I’ve helped them FAR more than you’ll ever hope to.
Rumpelstiltskin: And what are you sobbing for? Who do you think had it worse? You got your son happy and he said he wanted a relationship with you if you attempted to change, you saved lives and he took up for you. Me, my darling fiancé are taking a few steps backwards and seeing other people and while it’s fun to leer at her while she doesn’t like it, I have to deal with the fact that now she might be dating Archie again. Stupid Red, why couldn’t she marry HIM?! So tell me Regina, who do you think has had the worse day?
Rumpelstiltskin: Friggin’ Liv Tyler.
Red: Hey Charming, tell Snow about that humiliating little lasagna tattoo on your leg!
Snow: What tattoo?! Charming: Ohit’snothing, just Rumpelstiltskin and Regina being completely mean.
Emma: Boy it’s a good thing there are no cars coming down here at five in the afternoon….
Henry: That’s because everyone knows to run inside when my little murder posse is walking down main street!
Emma: D’aww! Henry, I missed you too much to be creeped out.
Cora: We’re here too!
Hook: What is that thing that says Ice Cream? I think I want to try it!
Hook: Also so nice of you to let me drag my boat all the way across land and to the little portal that this could not have fit into…even though you could’ve just magicked it.
Cora: I like watching you work.
Hook: Where is my crew?
Hook: Do you see Emma anywhere?
Hook: Look at all the confusing technology!
Cora: This rose is remarkably intact for being dead for 29 years.