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Saturday, February 16, 2013

206 - Tallahassee






Hook: If anyone’s afraid…I’ll be more than happy to soothe their fears tonight…
Emma: It…doesn’t look so high.






Emma: *Is whiney* I’m going to have to go up there with him, aren’t I?”
Mulan: Yyyep.
Aurora: We all did flip a coin and it WAS your turn for a backstory.


Hook: Ooooo, are we have sexual and romantic tension while you compare me to your BOYFRIEND?! *Is excited* I’ll bet I’ll be a better catch than him!


Emma: *Is sizing him up*


Hook: *Is really hoping that he’s better because the only girl he’s been around is CORA*


Snow: It’s alright Snow…just close your eyes and hold in your seething murderous rage against him…we don’t want to reenact that bloody bloody Christmas with Peter Peter, Pumpkin Eater.


Emma: *Is pretending she doesn’t care* Pfft, you’re not so great.


Hook: *Is hurt*


Snow: Hooray!


Emma: *Didn’t mean it*


Aurora: Why do we still exist!
Mulan: Because if we keep hanging out then maybe they’ll give us something to do!


Hook: Well! Who wants to climb my beanstalk?







Hook: Wow, you women are dirty minded! I like it!


Hook: Also can you guys cut me loose? I don’t feel sexy in this giant…dress thing. I need to rectify that as soon as possible.


Snow: Tighten it so that your other hand falls off from lack of circulation?! OKAY!


Hook: I think I’m going to like the creepy fact that you and your daughter are the same age.


Snow: Emma! Give me my bow! We’re going to take care of this right now….
Emma: With pleas- Ooooo, leather pants!
Snow: He’s not SO great.
Emma: Who’s better?
Snow: Let’s just say there was a GOOD reason why Rumpel was married countless times.
Emma: Mary Momgret, so silly! Mr. Gold would look doofy in leather pants.


Hook: As you can see, this is my jewelry arm!


*Are in awe*


Hook: Luckily, that’s a natural reaction so I’m used to it


Hook: Alright! Who wants to wear this! We can match and in pirate law this is TOTALLY like being married.


Emma: *Runs ahead of everyone else* Pickme! Pickme! Pickme! Pickme! Pickme!


Hook: YES! The one I was hoping for! *Is far more excited about this than he should be*






Emma: Some days in my life, I Just feel like I’m 28 years old!


Emma: Oh No! I locked my KEYS in the car in this deserted alleyway! It looks like I’ll just have to JIMMY THE LOCK! NOTHING to see here!


Emma: Heh! This baby looks like it’ll last me for years!


Emma: *Is driving* Oh, stick shift. Wonderful.


Neal: Zzzz- whuh?
Emma: EEEEEEEE!


*Crashes*


Neal: So….how are you?
Emma: G-Get out of my car!


Neal: *Is having fun* I kept my hatchet I use for murder at home today so you lucked out. Way NOT to check the back seat.
Emma: *Doesn’t think it’s very funny*


Neal: Hi. I’m your love interest.


Emma: I’m going to pick up speed, turn the car a 180 and watch you fall out now.
Neal: Wheeee!


Neal: Oh hey! Wanna make babies?


Emma: GAH!




Neal: Oooo, you ran a stop sign!


*Is a cop*
Emma: Oh wonderful, I just got out on parole.
Neal: Oh wonderful, I just got out on parole.


Neal: I can’t believe I left my murder hatchet at home!
Emma: Wait, you REALLY have one?


Emma: Hiiiiiiii.
Neal: Luckily, Click-it or Ticket doesn’t seem to be a law in THIS town!


Cop: I need your drivers identification-


Neal: You don’t need to see her identification


Cop: I don’t need to see her identification


Neal: This isn’t the blonde you’re looking for.


Cop: This isn’t the blonde I’m looking for.


Neal: Move along.
*There's no other plausible way this worked. *


Emma: *Is in love*


Neal: *Is nuzzling her arm* So Emma…how about that dating status?


Emma: So do I wear contacts when I’m older, or did I get Lasik?


Mulan: Bad news, the elevator to that thing is broken.


Aurora: I’ll go up there!
Mulan: *Is sarcastic* Yeah, okay.
Aurora: I have nothing left to lose!


Snow: Mulan, you’re in heels and a dress.
Hook: What kind of a world did Cora force me into? She promised there’d be chick fighting this episode!


Emma: I’m still voting that I go!


Snow: NO! I will NOT have you being sort of married to Hook, being totally engaged to Rumpelstiltskin young lady! Think of the example your setting!


Emma: Um…do YOU want to spend countless hours hearing him make thinly veiled sexual harassment comments towards YOU?!


Snow: *Is defeated*
Hook: I wonder how ‘snow white’ Snow White is….


Mulan: These are derived from poppies. It’ll put the giant to sleep…hopefully. I’m glad we reached the beanstalk because I was either tempted to throw it Aurora or Hook.


Emma: I can understand you not being picky.


Emma: Also if I’m not back in ten hours, cut that stalk down.


Mulan: It looks like it’s going to take you half a day just to climb that thing! And Snow is gonna be PISSED! Did you NOT see what she did to that Ogre?!


Emma: Not my problem, I’ll probably be dead.


Emma: If we’re ‘sort of’ married, I refuse for my last name to be ‘Hook’ or ‘Jones.’


Emma: Oh my that’s a…mighty strong hand you got there...and some amazing shoulders...
Emma’s Inner Monologue: Emma Hook = <3 nbsp="" p="">


Hook: Oooo, such kissable wrists.


Hook: I now pronounce you…my sort of partner in crime…which is like saying that you’re temporarily my ball in chain…which is like saying that we’re sort of married but not really


Snow: I honestly can’t see Cora climbing that beanstalk…


Hook: I’ll take a kiss…among other things.


Emma: Any ‘sort of’ marriage consummation is NOT happening and I am SO not taking you home to Henry now that I’m certain my beloved fiancĂ© has practically adopted him.


Hook: I don’t like kids; your boring evil fiancĂ© can have the snot nosed brat.


Emma: What did you say?!


Aurora: Duh-rama bomb!
Snow: Ah, the first fight…


Hook: Oh good, you remembered I needed my hook. I can’t climb one handed.
Emma: I’m sure you’d learn…


Emma: *Is dreading this*


Snow: Better you than me Emma. I’d probably shoot him.


Emma: Are we there, yet?
Hook: We’ll get there when we get there!


Emma: It’s okay Emma, you’ve been beanstalk climbing before. Don’t look down. Don’t look down.


Emma: OH MY GOD!


Hook: Pick up the pace, pokey, there are no seats to take a break on until the next six miles up. Get over your abandonment issues and flirt with me already!


Hook: How about a distraction? You have the same look that the lost boys had in their eye when I looked at them. Except the crippling fear that I was about to kill them is NOT included in your eyes…


Emma: So how does this sort of marriage thing work anyway?


Hook: Oh, you actually believed that we were sort of married? I was just saying that to get you to come with me because Aurora would’ve whined and Mulan and your mother would’ve waited till we got about this high before they kicked me off.


Hook: *Is pretending the vines are Emma* I wouldn’t mind if we went to find a justice of the peace though and sealed the deal…I’m pretty sure that there are some people up here that might be able to make it official….


Emma: *Checks out* No.


Hook: *Is annoyed* I don’t understand, it only took 1/10th of the effort to get Milha to run off with me. I’m getting rusty! Oh wait; this is what happens when I get desperate enough to go after women with self-respect.


Neal: Well honey, you’ve gotten fat!
Emma: That’s our BABY silly!
Neal: *Giggles*
Emma: *Giggles*


Neal: Augh, crap…I never figure out how to open these things…also I’m thinking that our baby is going to have a name on one of those key chains but I can’t figure out which one…


Emma: How exactly am I hiding this?


Neal:  Is that North? No wait, I’m holding it upside down…hey…I see an ‘Alice’ keychain here too.


Neal: Okay, maybe you should deal with this.


Emma: Am I sticking the food up my dress… down the front? What?


*No! Get the T-Rex one! The T-Rex one!*


Neal: Oh! Look at that! That IS a map of England.


Customer: Hey you! You’re too old to pretend to be as young as you’re pretending to be!


Emma: Oh Geez! I overloaded my purse! It’s ripping!


Customer: I can almost touch you!
Emma: Honey buns! Spilling out!


Cashier: Hey, go drip amniotic fluid elsewhere, I run a reputable business!


Customer: I’ll make no attempt to stop you!


Cashier: Hey! Your map!


Neil: How are we affording gas? No wait Emma! Take the purse out AFTER you get in the car! We don’t want to get caught like last time!


Neil: I got you this!


Emma: Yeah that’s great…but that’s not the T-Rex one is it?



Neal: Hey Emma…what would you say if I was…the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland?
Emma: I’d never look at the Disney version of the movie the same way again.
Neal: Oh….Hey Emma, what would you say if I was the son of a man who is one day going to manipulate you into doing everything he wanted?
Emma: Oh that’s silly! That’ll never happen! He’d have to be hotter than you!


Neal: Okay, I don’t think anyone saw us!
Emma: I call jumping on the bed first!


Neal: C’mere lover girl!


Emma: Ewwww! This dream catcher looks like the one my foster grandmother had when I was eight. Dude, we can’t do it with my foster grandmother’s memory watching us! It’s just wrong!


Neal: Well thanks for ruining THAT for me.


Neal: Hey Emma…what would you say if we settled down somewhere?!


Emma: I’d say ‘with what money and what education’? And then we’d laugh and laugh.


Neal: Yeah, us going legit IS pretty stupid.


Neal: OOOOOO! Can we take this map with us? We can hang it on the rearview mirror!


Neal: Okay, point your finger and the spot you pick is where we’re going to have our crime spree next!






*Is proud of herself*


Neal: Emma, that’s the ocean.


Emma: I know! I want to be a mermaid!


Neal: How about we just round off to the nearest town and go to Tallahassee?


Emma: SURE! That doesn’t sound like a well-known or expensive place to live in at ALL!


Mulan: I am SICK AND TIRED of hearing the both of you bicker. Snow, from now on that is YOUR side of the world and Aurora this is YOUR side of the world.



Aurora: …How come Snow gets Safe Haven?
Snow: …. How come Aurora gets the side with my castle on it?



Mulan: I don’t care! Just stay on your sides and shut up!



Aurora: Hey! What’s that stick for?



Mulan: Mini-tetherball.



Snow: How come Mulan’s on your side of the world?



Aurora: Distressed Damsel privileges!



Snow: I could’ve been one of those…but then I remembered that I had purpose.



Aurora: Yeah, it sucks to be me…hey; you know what else I don’t have? A daughter notorious for her bad taste in men up a beanstalk all alone with a sexy  seductive pirate that you don’t approve of and they’re doing who knows WHAT!



Snow: ...



Aurora: *Is confidant she won*



Snow: Oh, if that pirate comes down without my daughter or they both come down with a third person due in nine months I’m SO using that stick as a thermometer.







Emma: We made it!
Hook: I don’t know about you, Emma, but I’m starting to feel a little green.



Emma: Whoa! Me too! What can it mean?!



Hook: It means we entered the realm of CGI. It’s not real but we have to pretend that it is so we can actually touch the compass when we get to it. Among other treasures that I may or may not shove in every article of clothing I can fit them in.



Emma: Hey, so CGI Land is sort of like Santa Claus.
Hook: What is that material that you are wearing for pants Emma? Because I like it.



Emma: Oh hey, I’m bleeding…can’t believe I didn’t notice that I cut it…



Hook: That’s what happens when I flirt with you and you slap my face and I block you with my hook.



Emma: Was it the seventh or eighth time I did it, I can’t remember?



Hook: You must have come from a land FULL of pretty men if you’re not enchanted by me yet. Now hold still, giants can smell blood.



Emma: AUGH!
Hook: SHUT UP EMMA, YOU’RE GOING TO WAKE THE GIANT!
*Always good to know that when Cora and Hook aren’t doing evil, they’re running a brewery*



Hook: We should bandage this to keep it from getting infected.



Hook: My sweaty neck scarf will do!



Emma: Is this supposed to be sexy?



Hook: Heh. ‘Supposed to be’. OH Emma, you’re so cute.



Hook: Let me add some sprinkles on the top of this dessert of our chemistry…there we go.



Emma: *Is pretending she’s not pretending to imagine him doing that to her clothes* Big deal, Mr. Gold and Jefferson did this to me about 12 times a day each. Be original.



Hook: Ooo, well I guess I’ll have to try harder then!



Emma: No! Hook! No!



Hook: Too late! Challenge round!



Emma: This is so typical; I can’t even kill giants without people hitting on me.




Emma: What’s SHE doing on your arm?



Hook: Yeah, that was a temporary tattoo that we got on the day we went to the village carnival…and then that whole thing happened where she died and we went to Neverland and we never aged…and then we came here and never aged….it might as well be permanent now. Stupid Milah always ruining everything….at least the cotton candy was memorable.



Emma: I’ve somehow deduced that Rumpelstiltskin had something to do with this! Probably because he threatened to rip out the hearts of all my other love interests…well except Archie…but I thought he was just being a cute jealous little silly.



Hook: Um…can we talk about future marriage plans WITHOUT our deceased exes or soon to be deceased exes getting in the way?



Emma: Aw! It’s so much fun to bond over your revenge plans!




Emma: Hey! Guess what? I swiped these from a cop AND I got my teeth whitened all while you were hanging out in bed.
Neal: Good heavens, Emma. How does a homeless person get so many coats?



Emma: Hey! You NEVER insult my coat collection unless you know something is wrong!



Neal: I used to run with Danvers the dove when we were both in elementary school. And now he’s looking for me.




Emma: But Danvers is pure EVIL!



Neal: Yeah, I know. Before I left, he gave me his collection of watches to safeguard and I might’ve sort of stolen them.



Emma: *Is annoyed* This is what the last six boyfriends told me.



Neal: It’s a big world out there Emma! Danvers has a lot of friends and a lot of watches!



Neal: So Tallahassee is out because that’s where he goes during the summer to get his tan for the year.
Emma: Hey! What if I became an accessory to your crime!?



Neal: Okay!



Emma: No Neal, you were supposed to say ‘No Emma, it’s not safe. You could get betrayed by me and go to jail!



Neal: Pfft. That’s a thousand twenties easy in that locker, if you get away with it, then we’re rich until the money runs out and we have to either get jobs or resort to what we’ve been doing. If you don’t get away with it, you go to jail and I don’t. Win/win for me!



Emma: That is SO SWEET!



Neal: Gullible…



Emma: WHAT?!



Neal: I-I said…huggable.



Emma: I KNOW, RIGHT?



Neal: Those watches are so mine.



Hook: Okay Emma! I found something to use so that you could teach me this ‘baseball’ game. I couldn’t find a bat so this humerus going to have to do.



Hook: Emma! Did you crawl up there to get away from me!



Emma: *Is lying* Nooo?



Hook: You’re just starting to piss me off! *Slams bone against shield in frustration*



Hook: Oh hey, giants live here. I can’t believe I forgot about that.



Hook: Emma! Can I come up there with you?



Emma: No! Go find your own statue!



Hurley: DUDE!
*Being the Guardian for the island went to Hurley’s head apparently*



Emma: Quick! Hook! Distract him and I’ll run into the house and lock him out!



Hook: *Is trembling with fear* I don’t want to be the magic compass finder anymore! Was Cora really going to go up here with me!?



Hurley: Dude?



Hook: *Is screaming like a girl*



Hook: Oh wait! Emma’s watching! *Is trying to be terrified with dignity*



Hurley: I was watching the GAME!



Hurley: Hey! I know you! You were on ‘House’! *gets poppied*



Emma: Well…killing two birds with one bag of drugs…that was easy.



Hook: Hi Emma! Luckily my ship’s football team taught me to dodge!


                                                                 
Emma: DANGIT!



Hook: Also, he’s on my foot, do you think you could come down and help me out?



Emma: No!



Mulan: Curses. Its mini-tetherball tournament season and nary a stray tetherball to practice with.



Aurora: No! No! You can’t be Maleficent! The horror! I thought she was awesome looking! NOOOOOOO!



Snow: Hey, your squawking is going to let all of Cora’s spies know precisely where we are!



Aurora: ACK! Your side of the realm! Get on your side of the realm!



Aurora: It was horrible! On top of seeing Maleficent and having to deal with her yelling “Pink Power!” I was in this room with fire and no way out and…and…



Snow: Yes?



Aurora: There was….A disco floor!



Snow: *Is horrified*



Aurora: This won’t be significant? Right? Right?



Snow: It was only a recurring nightmare! Go back to sleep!



Aurora: What part of ‘I end up in a burning room’ do you not get?



Snow: I know where you go. And your screams are hilarious.



Snow: Now go to sleep. Do not MAKE me tell you again.



Aurora: Only if you’re my pillow



Snow: Augh, fine, I don’t know why I was making you sleep on a tree in the first place.



Aurora: So this still doesn’t feel very comfortable.



Hook: Emma, if it wasn’t for the angry giant that we locked out of the house and you constantly abusing me then I would be CERTAIN I was in heaven right now.
Emma: Stop! We need to focus!



Hook: COINS!



Hook: Hello Spanish doubloons…it’s been awhile!



Emma: So you sniff coins like you sniff me. Wonderful.



Hook: Well you’re still the better option; while coins certainly don’t kick me like you do; they also don’t secretly enjoy it either.



Emma: I…don’t secretly enjoy it.
Emma’s Inner Monologue: *Hyperventilates*



Hook: Hey Emma! I’ve hidden the coin somewhere in my clothes! Find out where!
Emma: I was sitting here looking at you the whole time, jackass. I know it was in your belt.



Emma: *Is annoyed* This key is pissing me off; I’ve tried it on every single lock but this one…



Cop: Yeah, some weird blonde girl came up out of nowhere, shoved me down, grabbed my donuts and ran for it. Boy that was embarrassing. I can’t wait to see HER again.



*Lock!*



*Emma!*
Emma: Well…certainly hope this wasn’t an elaborate set up to a break up note…again.



Emma: Oh Good, it wasn’t that…and while it wasn’t a break up note I CERTAINLY hope that it isn’t full of body parts…like the last guy I dated. 



Emma: So then…my mom kicked him out the window! Can you believe it?!
Hook: I don’t care about the guys you USED to date!
Emma: I wasn’t dating Jefferson!
Hook: You were drugged, woke up tied up, held against your will, and talked into doing something you didn’t want to do…sounds like just about every date I’ve ever been on.



Emma: Creep!
Hook: Who said it was the GIRL that woke up like that?



Emma: Great. So…Hurley’s really letting the place go…







Emma: So that’s the fabulous giant killer that you’ve been gushing about since we’ve seen the beanstalk?
Hook: I know! His sword is awesome right?!
Emma: Yeah, it did him great!
Hook: That’s what I say about mine!
*I wrote that 'sword' line before "Queen of Hearts" aired, I SWEAR!*



Emma: I’ve had enough of your less than subtle innuendo, Hook! It’s time to be tackled!
Hook: *Is excited* FINALLY!



Emma: *Smacks into* Oh that’s some impressive defense…and…what…soft body hair you have.



Hook: *Glomps* Your attempts to beat me up now make us officially sort of married.



Emma: No!
Emma’s Inner Monologue: YES!



Emma: Hey, is that a trip wire?
Hook: But…we were gonna…*Is annoyed* I HATE trying to seduce women in giant’s houses!






Emma: Hey! A cage! I’m certain that thing will never be needed.



Hook: *Bedroom Eyes or in his case ‘Anywhere’ eyes* Can I touch your hair?



Emma: So much for us being in a hurry.
Hook: *Giggles* It’s so silky!



*Checks out*



*Checks out*



Emma: Oh! Wait! Compass!



Hook: *Giggles* I think she likes me!



Emma: I’m not sure how Hook could nearly trip that thing, it’s as big as my fist…wait…I think he nearly tripped it on purpose!



Neal: Ooo, dark and unfriendly alleyway. Well…I see no reason not to go down it.



August: *Jumps out of the bushes* Hey, Neal…



Neal: EEEEEEE!
August: Wait! Come back! I just want to be your friend!



Neal: I hate it when Danvers used to make me play back alley death tag! I never won!



Neal: Ow! Fence!


August: *Pulls face first to the ground and then climbs on*
*And let’s not pretend THIS shot wasn’t on purpose*



August: Hey Neal. Let’s be friends!
Neal: GAH!!!!!!!



August: Hey, you know Emma?



Neal: Uhh….noooo?



August: But I saw you making kissy faces with her!



Neal: *Is trying not to cry in front of him* Just leave me alone!



August: Think of me like…an…angel! A guardian angel.



Neal: You’re the ugliest version of Roma Downey I ever did see.



Neal: Now I’m going to go home! But first I’m going to tell Emma what happened so that she can beat you up. And then one day when we’re married and old…we’ll probably laugh about this.



August: Not gonna happen dude. I call dibs on Emma. And I’ll win because I have a motorcycle. What do you have?



Neal: *Is bummed because he just lost*



August: So…do you believe in curses and magic and stuff?



August: *Actual Dialogue* Trust me. I’m going to show you something… Something that’s going to make you look at everything differently. And, when you see what I have in here, you’re going to listen.



Neal: I’m not sure I Like where this is going….







Neal: Yeah um…that’s exciting.
August: Shut up Neal! I haven’t opened it yet!



Neal: Wow.
August: Mmhmm.
Neal: That’s a…
August…Yep….



Neal: There’s absolutely nothing there…



Neal: *Realizes he’s dealing with a crazy person*



August: Wait! No! My typewriter was supposed to be there! Who stole it!?



Neal: *Doubts him* Uh-huh



August: *Is annoyed*



August: Alright fine! There’s nothing there! I also believe that there’s a curse and Emma’s the key and if you come between that…well…there’s a certain bird that’s looking for you and I just happen to know where you hide your murder hatchet…



Neal: I shouldn’t believe this easily!



Emma: You wanna know what I’m in the mood for? Waffles! We can buy plenty of waffles with 20,000 dollars…and we can FINALLY go to Applebees!



Emma: *Takes picture of self*



Emma: So honey…you sure took your phone offline fast…I’m beginning to think that maybe perhaps there’s something that you’re not telling me.



Cop: Donut Girl!



Emma: Easily Duped Cop!



Cop: Is that one of Danvers beloved stolen watch?



Emma: Uh…uh…what stolen watch? I’m not wearing a watch.



Cop: I don’t believe you!
Emma: Oh THAT watch! Um…who put that there?!



Emma: So…sort of wish that the giant had put up a guide for where everything is.



Hook: Hey Emma! There’s a handy cage…over here for some reason…what say that you and I lock ourselves in and pretend we’re parakeets?!



Emma: You want to do WHAT now?



Hook: Actually, I didn’t mean anything dirty by that. Parakeets are my favorite bird and I’ve always wanted to be one…



Hurley: DUDE!
Hook: Oh, I think we forgot about the key that he probably keeps under the welcome mat. 



*Treasures are falling*
Hook: Must be a pain to have to set all that back up every time you walk by this room



Emma: Hook! Get out from under that rubble!
Hook: No! Make me!



Emma: Where did this random gust of wind come from? Did the air conditioner turn on?



*Weirdest Shot of the Season*



Emma: Um….hi!




August: Oh good, finally someone that I can hitch a ride from!



August: Heroic pose!



Neal: Okay dude, how do I look for my date?



August: Suave. And stop calling it a date; you’re just aligning yourself with Danvers so that he doesn’t send in bird assassins to kill Emma.



Neal: So…just letting you know that I forged everything to make the car legit for Emma and you’ll promise to take care of her?



August: I’ll never say no!



Neal: WHOA! What do you mean by that?



August: Platonic stuff!



August: Friends with benefits and all that!



Neal: *Is struggling not to kill him* Okay! Okay fine…Emma has standards anyway…



August: Aw, so cute, then why was she dating you then?



Neal: *Is struggling not to cry* That doesn’t matter! Leave me alone!



Neal: Also have all this money for Emma. I guess I could just beat her location out of you but considering how it went the last eight times I tried to sneak attack you…let’s not repeat it. I just got out of traction.






August: I guess you forgot that whole… “I have a problem with temptations’ line.



Neal: *Is humming* The less I have to listen to you, the better.



August: Does this mean I can go….SEE LEMURS?!



Neal: You got issues.



Hurley: DUDE! You broke into my house!



Emma: Well…to be fair…you left the door open…



Hurley: Why didn’t I just squish you with my foot or uproot the beanstalk?



Emma: This is still preferable to be paired with every male on this show!



Hurley: WHAT?! Why aren’t you paired with me?!



*Drops*
Emma: Ow, my 12 broken ribs!



Emma: Good thing he was sitting down when he dropped me.



Emma: *Is running towards the door* See ya, Hook!
Hook: I’m right behind ya!



Emma: *Is flailing* Whoa! Crazy trip wire! We conveniently meet again!



Hurley: Dduuuu- Hey, is that my tripwire?



*Is pinned*



Emma: Well, thanks to you I’m pretty sure that I’ll now know what chairs were look like if my knees were backwards. The doctors In Storybrooke are going to have a field day with my mangled body. Oh wait, I’m okay, what are the chances? Also, I hope you keep track of all your tripwires here…which begs the question of why you even need tripwires in the first place if everything falls?



Hurley: Don’t question my logic! You hint that I’m evil and you come in my house, assault me, hump each other on my furniture and steal! My attempt to kill you is just self-defense.



Emma: I don’t care! Give me that compass!



Hurley: No! My Boy Scout councilor gave it to me!



Emma: *Feels bad* You were in boy scouts?



Hurley: Yes, I was in the group with humans and so I was constantly mocked because I was a giant and the only reason I survived this war was because I fully understood the motto ‘be prepared’!



Emma: I can’t kill a boy scout! That’s the surest way to become evil!



Hurley: wait! Give that back! My hands are sweaty and it slipped!



Emma: MINE!



Emma: Hey! What’s that? That looks like that’ll come into play later!



Hurley: Oh hey! A bean! I’ve….never seen that before in my life. Seriously, it looks dead and stuff…probably no good to use…like ever.



Emma: Okay!



Hurley: Dude, why couldn’t I have just…gone all Kool-Aid Man on this cage in the first place?






 Emma: Geez, the size of that rat that made that hole. *Suddenly doesn’t feel so safe going in there*



Hurley: Ben’s not gonna let me hear the end of it when he gets back from the grocery run though. He’ll yammer about how we could’ve manipulated you and he would’ve flip flopped sides a lot and then we would participate in the ending so polarizing, people will be arguing about it for generations.



Emma: I didn’t understand any of that.



Hurley: *Is annoyed* Island politics, you’ll understand when you’re older.



Emma: I don’t think I like the way I just got demeaned.



Emma: Oh hey, I forgot about that whole…pirate thing.



Hurley: Ugh, you let a pirate in here? It’s a wonder I don’t have more missing.


        
Emma: He tried but when I pointed out that the coins were stretching out his clothes and it wasn’t as form fitting, he stopped.



Hurley: Eh, I suppose I can keep him over…the game’s on and it’s always fun when you have company.



Emma: *Squee!*



Emma: *Is dragging him* Come OUT
Hook: *Is being dead weight* No! Leave me alone! It’s cozy in here!



Hook: I mean…um…well done ‘sort of’ wife!



Emma: And look what I got!
Hook: *Reaches* Oooo
Emma *Pulls out of reach* Nope!
Hook: What? *reaches*
Emma: *Pulls out of reach* Nope!
Hook: Stop being mean! *reaches*
Emma: *Pulls out of reach* Nope!



Hook: Aw Emma! Even though I told you I’d be on board with whoever got me my compass, you should know that you can TOTALLY trust me to have it!



Emma: Dude. Really?



Hook: *Is cuffed* Oooo! I mean…now’s not the time for this Emma! We’ll take the cuffs with us!



Emma: Yeah…I just sort of remembered that double crossing is in your characterization…also I can name five people off the top of my head that would NEVER let me hear the end of it if I brought your revenge seeking butt back with us.



Hook: *Actual Dialogue* Have I told you a lie?



Emma: Really?



Hook: I’m Killian the Blacksmith and I totally had nothing to do with this crazy murder!



Hook: *Actual dialogue* . I risked my own safety to help you.



Emma: Only so you could watch me and make sure I got it. We wouldn’t have many chances considering there are only two bracelets.



Hook: *Actual dialogue*: The compass is in your hand. Why do this to me now?



Emma: I think you just sort of answered your own question! Hook, you’re such a cute little dummy. 




Emma: See ya, Hook.
Hook: I TOTALLY wasn’t gonna betray you! At least unless Cora offered me medical benefits to work with her! Oh wait; I probably shouldn’t have said that!



Hook: Cora’s better to flirt with anyway!



Emma: *Is jealous* EW!



Hook: You heard me! Oh, did that hurt? Because I’m not taking it back!



Emma: Well then I suppose you’ll just have to repopulate this world with HER because you’ll be the only two left!



Hook: Wait Emma! Come back! I didn’t mean it!



Hook: *Hates to see her go, but loves watching her leave*






Mulan: Well! That was ten hours! Time to cut this baby down! I’ve been craving a beanstalk sandwich for a while now.



Snow: WHAT?!



Mulan: *Is trying to look casual while off to separate mother and daughter*



Snow: HEY! If you step toward that vine I WILL unleash Mary Margaret on you and you WILL NOT like it!



Mulan: *Is terrified* BACK, YOU SAVAGE!



Snow: *Is offended* Savage?!
Aurora: Leaving them to die is wroonnnggg!



Snow: *Is full Mary Margaret* I’LL SHOW YOU SAVAGE!



Aurora: Guys…let’s be friends!



*Are cat fighting*
*Somewhere Hook is crying and he has no idea why*



Mulan: Inner elbow pinch!



Snow: NOT THAT! NOT THAT!



Emma: *SPLATS* Ooowwww! Dangit Aurora! You moved!



Emma: I know I got down that beanstalk pretty quickly! But we’ll just pretend that the giant got the elevator to open for me! And then it broke on the way down and I realized that jumping might be the best option…even if you did look like ants when I did my dive….



Mulan: Emma, your mother is insane!



Snow: Mulan!



Emma: Tell me something I don’t know!



Snow: Emma!



Snow: What is wrong with you? Going up beanstalks with men who hang with Cora and then telling Mulan to cut it down when you’re not down at a certain time even though there were countless variables that nearly kept you from making it down in the small allotted time you assigned yourself!



Snow: You nearly left me with THOSE TWO!



Emma: *Glomps* There there, you can be Snow now.



Snow: *Is Snow* Emma…why is Mulan glaring at me and drawing her thumb across her throat like it’s a knife?



Emma: I don’t know…she does that.



Emma: Mmm, revenge mediation….



Exposition Loretta: Hey Emma, you got mail.



Emma: It’s far cooler when the computer says it.



Exposition Loretta: I have to open it…you don’t mind if I keep the stamps do you?



Emma: I wear the straight hair of one who is broken!



Exposition Loretta: Well you have tacky keys and um…nothing else. Hopefully you know where the car is. Because we’re totally going to look at you funny if you go trying to unlock each car in the parking lot with it.



Exposition Loretta: Also you’re pregnant! I thought you were just getting fat.



Exposition Loretta: *Job is done*







Emma: Good, I got the house…but it figures he probably took everything inside it…



Henry: Zzzz Oh Belle…beg for mercy! MWAHAHAHAHAHA



Henry: Oh hey! Nightmare! Where did that come from? I CAUSE nightmares!



Charming: Henry! Shut up! I’m watching TV!
*Were those drapes always there?*



Charming: Oh wait, that’s not very grandfatherly of me, is it? Lalalalalala



Henry: That stopped working when I was five.



Charming: Okay fine, Henry…it’s time you be a man and face your nightmares…



Charming: And nothing says ‘face your nightmares’ by leaving a burning candle next to a ten year old overnight!



Henry: Yeah, that’s great! Um…so I dreamed about his lady in a room of fire!



Charming: So you’re trapped with a woman in a room full of hellfire…sounds like marriage to me! Also I sort of feel bad about lighting a little fire next to you now...



Henry: That’s what my stepdad says!



Henry: Except he said that he’d make Emma see heaven whenever they’re alone…whatever that means.



Charming: Henry stop…things like that will put me back in a coma

the End

For a guy that had another guy chase him down a dark alley, tackled, thrown facedown and then climbed on top of, Neal's evening ended better than most.








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