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Thursday, February 14, 2013

108 - Desperate Souls

Rumpelstiltskin: This is boring. I wish I’d picked a career in life that allowed me to wear lots of leather and freak people out.

Baelfire: I heard that dad!

Baelfire: Also they’re here for my girlfriend!

Rumpelstiltskin: It figures they would take the only girl that would want to marry you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Whoo! Nothing makes my day more than seeing other people’s grief be worse than my own!

Morraine’s Dad: There are plenty of dudes here, why haven’t any of us been recruited? Have we already served our time?
Morraine’s Mom: Anything but my baby!

Hordor: Yeah, I’m FAR more okay with recruiting little girls than older people.

*Are horrified*
Morraine: What’s he mean by that mom?

Baelfire: Dad, what do girls know about fighting?
Rumpelstiltskin: Absolutely nothing son. Which is why I don’t want you to go.

Hordor: She’ll ride with me…if you know what I mean.

Morraine’s Mom: Eat knife, loser!
*See, why hasn’t her mother been recruited? She has some skillz*

Baelfire: No! Don’t do it!
Rumpelstiltskin: Get him! Get him!

*Evil Guy*

Morraine’s Dad: I didn’t even DO anything!

Hordor: Our evil powerful dark one that serves as our team mascot says otherwise! Go team Hordor! I mean Team Duke of the Frontlands!  

Morraine’s Mom: Oh irreparable brain damage!

Baelfire: They’re going to come for me in three days because that’s my birthday! Do we even have birth certificates in this land? Because I don’t see you guys filling things out all willy nilly on a census! Aren’t our villages scattered anywhere we friggin’ WANT them to be!?

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Bae.
Baelfire: And I don’t want to ride with Hordor like Morraine did! I think I might know what that means!

Mr. Gold
: Holy crap I was a loser back then.

Emma: There better be a good reason why you pulled me out of my bubble bath!

Mr. Gold: She pretends she doesn’t, but she secretly wants me.

Emma: Is it really permissible for me to go tromping through your store without knowing if you’re here or not?

Mr. Gold: Why not? Everyone else does.

Mr. Gold: Hiiii Emma! *Checks out twice*

Emma: Why do I keep ending up alone in a room with you?!

Mr. Gold: Only you can answer that question…if you know what I mean.

*Checks out*

Emma: What are you doing?!

Mr. Gold: Badge! Badge! I noticed you were wearing the deputy’s badge.

Emma: Okay, I know that’s not the only thing you were looking at!

Mr. Gold: I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about.

Emma: Now you’re just doing it on purpose, aren’t you?

Mr. Gold: Oh, like you don’t do it to me!

Emma: Nope.

Emma: You just called me in here to be creepy towards me! Again! I’m leaving.

Mr. Gold: No. I actually called you in here for more than that.

Mr. Gold: I have the sheriff’s personal belongings. He didn’t own much. He made you look like a hoarder. It’s all here in this little box. And we buried him in his only outfit.

Emma: That’s sort of creepy.

Mr. Gold: He drew pictures of you and wrote Mr. And Mrs. Emma Swan in his diary. I thought you might want to go through it and see what you want.

Mr. Gold: Here’s his jacket. You can smell like a dead guy!

Emma: Gonna have to pass on that. I don’t think I really ever saw him take it off.

*Fans pause to search for clues.*

Mr. Gold: Or these! You can play with your kid! He’ll especially like them when you tell him that I gave them to you!

Emma*Swallows vomit* REALLY gonna have to pass on that.

Mr. Gold: Now look, it’s been two weeks since Graham died. I think it’s high time you start dating again.

: And by dating, you mean you?

Mr. Gold: Archie said it was okay! And you don't ever have to worry about dancing lessons coming between us because I STILL haven't recovered from that physically.

Mr. Gold: And you should know that I dated myself once and I have to say that I would recommend me

Mr. Gold: Besides, your kid has been hanging around the shop a lot for “Mr. Gold lessons” and I got to feel what it was like to be a father again…I-I-I mean for the first time ever.

Mr. Gold: And I have to say, that while making barely disguised remarks about my own personal experience as a father, I kind of enjoyed having a mini!me around again. Now if you could see the light then we’d be one big happy family!

*Is trying not to bolt out of the Pawn Shop*

Emma: Oh kid, you wouldn’t believe my day.

Henry: I’m skipping school again!

Emma: I’m seriousMary Margaret’s going to be pissed when she sees the water bill on account of all the showers I just took.

Emma: And you wanna know why? Because Mr. Gold gave me those walkies to give to you. He said it was so that we could play together but I think it’s really so you two could communicate on what I’m doing.

Henry: I’m not feeling it today.

Emma: So, does this mean I don’t have to hear your shipping squees anymore?

Henry: Oh no, I definitely want you two together even more now since my mom brutally killed Graham. I caught her dancing on his grave last night.

Emma: Dangit!

Henry: But I think we should take a break from our operation of doom because I can’t protect you from her.

Emma: Oh Henry…that’s the best news I’ve heard all day!

Henry: My mom is starting to catch on to all the death traps I’ve laid out in the house. Now that she knows I’m responsible and not Graham’s ghost then she’s going to focus on hurting you again. That’s why we should hang with Mr. Gold, if there’s anything that’ll piss her off and give us the edge it’s that.

Emma: I hate it when Henry’s depressed…but if he drops this operation of doom of his then I can say he’s healthy and I can go home!

Emma: Hm…Since I’m sheriff I think I should get the picture replaced to me standing victorious over Regina’s bloody corpse.

Regina: Say what?

Emma: Oh…I didn’t say anything. Must be Graham’s ghost.

Regina: I stopped falling for that the 48th time Henry tried that excuse.

Emma: Aw, it only took you 48 times? Gettin’ slow woman. Must’ve been that concussion I gave you.

Regina: ….

Regina: I’ve decided I should tell you that you’re not sheriff anymore. Sidney will be.


Regina: Do you find something funny?!

Emma: What? Did Granny refuse the job or something? Just because he covered the sheriff’s office doesn’t mean he has what it takes to tackle Leroy when he’s stealing from C4 from the Storybrooke sign?

Regina: He’s not there to do work, he’s there to look adorable and do what I say. Just like the last one! And look what happened to him.

Emma: And by adorable, you mean ‘tool’.

Regina: Just so you know he was the last one on my list too. The only reason he got this job was because even Mr. Gold texted me back with the same laughing reactions you had.


Mary: Did Emma find my caffeine stash?

Mary: Oh, pretending Regina is the toaster and stabbing it repeatedly?

Emma: I used to look at you weird when you did it, but there are a lot of things you do that start to make a whole bunch of sense now.


Mary: I’m…starting to realize how silly I looked now that someone else is doing it too.

Mary: Here’s some veggies. Pretend they’re Regina’s face so that we can eat.

Mary: And make the cuts even, okay? You know how I like order.

Emma: You know what really sucks? Absolutely nothing bothers me anymore. Mr. Gold hits on me and Archie cries at my window still and I just brush it off, turn back over and go to sleep. I miss hating the idea of fitting in and now I want to!

Mary: Hey, someone’s knocking. Can you get that?

Mr. Gold: I heard my name and I came right over! Hiiiii Emma!

Mary: You told me that you’d treasure that apron forever!

*Runs off crying*

Mr. Gold: Mind if I come in? Why thank you, don’t mind if I do.

Emma: What’s the point of fighting it anymore?
Mr. Gold: Not the most promising thing I like to hear from my dates, but I suppose it’s a start.

Mr. Gold: I heard about you being fired. I saw it on the twitter but I sort of guessed it beforehand when I heard Regina cackling as she walked down the street.

Emma: Yes well I guess the town is okay with having a mindless moron who writes hatchet jobs serving the force over someone who HAS EXPERIENCE! Not that it bugs me.

Mr. Gold: I think I should propose an alliance.

Emma: haven’t you been doing that since I came here?

Mr. Gold: ALLIANCE Emma! Not Marriage. Geez, such a dirty thinker.

Mr. Gold: But since absolutely NO ONE reads the town charter (isn’t our generation so amazing?)  I think we can find something here that serves as a loophole.

Emma: Who took the time to write this? Did it just pop up like everything else?

Mr. Gold: See Emma? Now what did I tell you about dating? Doesn’t it feel great to get back on the saddle?

*Struggles not to bolt out of the dining room*


Rumpelstiltskin: Wake up kid. It’s time we bolt out of this crappy village that we’re ostracized in!!

Baelfire: Did we pack anything?
Rumpelstiltskin: Nope.
Baelfire: Wait, I want to get my 3DS!

Baelfire: It doesn’t feel right to run.
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s worse to die son! I have a lot of experience in dying! Trust me, it’s FAR worse!

Brad Dourif: Got money?
Rumpelstiltskin: GAH! The dude who voiced Chucky!
Baelfire: Grima Wormtongue dad, the reference is Grima Wormtongue now.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah here’s some money that we could use on our journey to God knows where. Hope you’re happy with slowing us down.

Baelfire: Was it a good idea to take the freeway dad? The state troopers watch this place like hawks.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh son, what’s the worst that could happen?

*Police sirens*
Rumpelstiltskin: Crap! It’s the cops!

Hordor: We can see you guys running in the pitch black of night you know!

Rumpelstiltskin: Uh….hey guys…how just…going for a walk.

Hordor: It’s sixty miles away from your village!

Rumpelstiltskin: REALLY long walk.

Baelfire: Dad! I’m going to have to deal with these people, don’t you dare ruin it for me!
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Bae!

Baelfire: And you! Don’t talk to my dad like that! Baelfire of having an awesome name and being 14 years old in 3 days commands you!

*Is intimidated*

*Is mentally facepalming*

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, he’s at THAT age.

Rumpelstiltskin: Just...walk it off.

Hordor: Wait a minute! I know you!

Rumpelstiltskin: Everybody that says that usually makes me regret that four year pranking spree in high school.

Hordor: That was YOU?!

Hordor: Friggin’ Rumpelstiltskin! No wonder you ran when your entire garrison got murdered by the Ogres! That’s the story anyway.

Rumpelstiltskin: If…no one else was alive to tell the story then how do you know if I ran or just survived?

Hordor: Ahhh, they call you RUNpelstiltskin behind your back just so you know. “The man who ran”

Rumpelstiltskin: Actually my title is “Rumpelstiltskin; the man who ran, tripped on a root, rolled down a hill, fell in a river, dodged piranhas, got swept into the ocean, and fought Sharktopus”

Rumpelstiltskin: Just so you know.

Hordor: Well…you still ran!

Rumpelstiltskin: I know! I’m sorry!

*Wails and grabs his leg*
Rumpelstiltskin: I am SO SORRY!

Hordor: Get off!

Rumpelstiltskin: Awesome. It worked.

Chucky Wormtongue: HIIIII!

Rumpelstiltskin: WHAT THE FRICK?!

Chucky Wormtongue: I’m going to be your benefactor!

Rumpelstiltskin: If you were that great at benefactions then why are you a beggar?

Chucky Wormtongue: …..ANYWAY, just let me come into your house.

Rumpelstiltskin: Sure creepy guy I don’t know. I’m more than happy to let you into my house near my 13 year old son!

Baelfire: But ddaaaddd! Stranger danger!
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up, Bae!  

*Smuggity Smirk*

Regina: It’s so nice to have people in my home that ask my permission first.

Regina: That’s the kind of security I have and that you can have if you know that Sidney Glass is your Sheriff.

Sidney: I don’t want this job!
Regina: Shut up Sidney, just smile and let me do the talking for you!

Sidney: The prices I have to pay to be close to you.

Regina: *Fake laugh* Stand still and try not to scream when I shove this through your breastbone.

Sidney: So do I get the same perks as Graham or YEOUCH!
Regina: SO sorry.

Emma: Oh isn’t that great? A picture of a heifer pinning a tail on a jackass. That’ll make news.

Regina: Don’t you dare give our newspaper captioning ideas.

Emma: Is that captioning ideas a perk you get for running for Sheriff? Because I’m totally running.


Sidney: I’m…sort of screwed, aren’t I?
Regina: Shut up Sidney, you know you have a full chance of winning….somehow.

Emma: I’m gonna get this done just in time for our election night after tomorrow! Because that’s how we get things done around here in Storybrooke…as…quickly as our 42 minutes of show will allow us.

Sidney: Hey, I’m fine with Emma taking the job.

Regina: *Glares*
Sidney: I mean…if she wins which has absolutely NO chance of happening even though people seem to warm up to you FAR faster than what they’ve warmed up to me.

Emma: That’s right. I pulled kids out of mineshafts! And save pregnant chicks. What has Sidney done? Seriously, why does it seem like people are jumping the Emma ship to the Regina ship? It’s just…weird is all.

Rumpelstiltskin: There won’t be any running now!

Chucky Wormtongue” You know…they kinda rode off and left you alone the night we met…you guys probably could’ve kept on going if you stayed in the forest.

Rumpelstiltskin: Why didn’t I think of that?  

Chucky Wormtongue: Because you are you.

Rumpelstiltskin: I know I troll my son a lot but he’s all I have left in the world!

Chucky Wormtongue: That’s exactly what my father said to me when he threw me in the middle of a Las Vegas street in an attempt to teach me how to dodge football players.

Rumpelstiltskin: That sounds like that sucks but apparently I’m the town coward and I’ve already lost so much! *blubbers*

Chucky Wormtongue: Dude, you can do a lot of things, but playing pathetic and harmless is like me playing a well-adjusted character. It just doesn’t happen. Something always feels off.

: I’m trying my best!

Chucky Wormtongue: Get ahold of yourself man!

Chucky Wormtongue: DO YOU WANNA BE SEXY?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I-I guess so…that's kinda weird coming from you.

Chucky Wormtongue: Then the best idea is to get the Dark One under your control!

*Is trying not to burst out laughing*
Rumpelstiltskin: That’s a STUPID idea. Have you SEEN that clown?

Rumpelstiltskin: Why don’t you steal the dagger that’s used to control him?

Chucky Wormtongue: Don’t absurdly stupid questions.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m sorry.

*Who would trust a guy making this face?*

Chucky Wormtongue: You could kill him.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well now THAT actually sounds like a good solid plan.

Mr. Gold: Heh, the flame is hypnotizing but not as hypnotizing as me.

Regina: I can see your eye shadow from here Mr. Gold!

Mr. Gold: Oh you’re just jealous that it looks better on me than it does on you.

Regina: Can’t argue with that.

Mr. Gold: Excuse me; I have to move away from rapist skank germs.  

Regina: If I didn’t know any better I thought you might know more than I think you do.

Mr. Gold: Whatever would give you that idea?

Regina*Is annoyed* Your constant support of Emma is an indication. Even though she’s going to somehow lose this election. I knew that when I heard about that loophole you had to be responsible

Mr. Gold: So I support my woman. Big deal. Someone’s got to teach her about the finer points of subtlety.

Regina: What would YOU know about SUBTLETY? Seriously everyone has been predicting that you know everything from the minute you smirked in the pilot.

Mr. Gold: You keep that up and you won’t be invited to the election party OR the wedding.

Regina: I wouldn’t want to be invited to your tacky wedding anyway! It’s not like Emma could wear white!

Mr. Gold: Maybe not, but you’d miss me in a rockin’ tux that’s completely gold!

Mr. Gold: I WAS going to lend it to Graham for the wedding but…well he’d just have looked silly and I would’ve never gotten it back.

Regina: Don’t you bring him up!

Mr. Gold: Oh I’m sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t have murdered him then if you were going to get all prissy about it. Or did you want to wear the tux? I’ll bet Graham would’ve made a lovely bride. Regina Humbert would’ve sounded hilariously unintimidating.

Regina: I have no idea what you’re talking about. What do you know that you don’t want me to know that you know?

Regina*Interrogation Glare*

Mr. Gold*Is also immune* Do you have something in your eye? Stop doing that! That’s how you get migraines

Emma: Scoot over Henry; you know this is my side.

Henry: Go cause chaos. I’m busy.

Emma: Uh….I thought causing chaos was something that we did together.

Henry: Oh really?! Let’s see about that now shall we?

Emma: They used the same picture for two of my stories?! What kind of newspaper is this?!

Henry: That’s all you’re worried about?

Emma: Well my image has to be maintained for my sheriff’s position and it could be ruined by this and... oh…maybe mudslinging is what they were going for.

Henry: Because good never works like this! Good never would stoop to something like mudslinging or killing to get what it wants! Our mission of doom is impossible.

Emma: Oh Henry, you act like the death of your possible stepfather is a big thing. We don’t mention him again.

Henry: Which is why I think we should bring out the big guns to get this deed done.

Emma: Hmm?!

Henry: Mr. Gold says he knows a pretty good hitman that could make my other mom disappear….forever.

Emma: Henry! No! We’re not doing that!

Henry: I said you wouldn’t go for it, but he said that you just needed time to consider it.

Emma: ….

Emma: Yeah, I thought about it. We’re not going there.

Emma: You tried to drive me off with threats, setting me up, assault, happily living with the knowledge that Henry things you murdered Graham! But this accurate story against me totally crosses the line!

Regina: Oh, I'm sorry you didn't want people to know you cut his cord with a shiv?
*I couldn’t leave out that line. Its way too funny.*

Emma: …Now I think I’ve been MORE than nice!

Regina: I’m certainly glad that you waited till after dark to come talk to me about this. Where were you all this time?

Emma: I think you should consider Henry!
Regina: My father has been dead for a long time.

Emma: I meant your son!
Regina: Oh yeah, that one. I’ve been crushing his hopes and dreams for years now and you think a little pleading is going to change that?

Regina: I think he’s doing great! He runs out of the room when I come in and cries into his pillow every night just like everyone else. I think he’s becoming normal!

Emma: I surprisingly have no material for that.

Regina: Well you can solve it at the debate tomorrow night. And since Mr. Gold didn’t tell you about that ahead of time so you can prepare I’m more than happy to live under the assumption that I just made it up on the spot in an effort to crush you.

Regina: Hee hee

Emma: Mr. Gold told me about the obstacle course, language test, shooting range, and wrestling contest but he didn’t tell me about any debate!

Regina: That’s Mr. Gold for ya. Building up your hopes and then leaving you in crushing disappointment afterward.

Emma: Ewwwww!


Regina: How are my eyebrows still intact?
Emma: How are we not hurt by flying debris?!

Regina: I AM hurt by flying debris!
Emma: Don’t be a baby!

Regina: I think my entire leg has been shattered!

Emma: Will you let go of me?! I’m trying to save myself!

Regina: I knew it! You despise me don’t you?!

Emma: That’s kind of the idea!

Rumpelstiltskin: Stop using my walking stick to stoke the fire, Bae!

Baelfire: Dad, I know I’m like….3’11, but I’m pretty sure I can be a force to be reckoned with in battle.

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t make jokes son, they’re not your strong suit.

Rumpelstiltskin: Walking stick. Out of the fire.

Baelfire: But you don’t understand dad! I WANT to be kicking backside and taking names! I’ve been practicing on Call of Duty and Madden NFL and I’m pretty sure I’ve got all kinds of strategies down.

Rumpelstiltskin: The more you talk and the more you let my stick stay in the fire I want to smack you son.

Baelfire: But dad!

Rumpelstiltskin: Do you want your old man to be all alone in the world with no chance at having another family because I’m not cool enough?

Baelfire: I guess not.

Rumpelstiltskin: So if you open your mouth without knowing what you’re talking about again, this is what you’re going to see.

Baelfire: You’ve been hanging out with the beggar for too long.

Rumpelstiltskin: Aw, you know your old man is just joking with you!

Rumpelstiltskin: You should smile more, Bae!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m about to kill an evil dark being and inherit his ability and try to turn it towards good!

Baelfire: Boromir from Lord of the Ring tried something like that  and look how that turned out.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I love you son. But sending you to that battlefield is starting to sound better and better.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m trying to save your life and all you’re doing is giving me lip about how it’ll fail and I’ll still probably lose you in the end.

*Is considering beating some sense into his father*

Baelfire: Is your behavior the reason why mom left? You told me she died!

Rumpelstiltskin: She is dead….after I tracked her down and smothered her in her sleep.

*Is awkward*

Baelfire: Well, since I don’t have a choice, what do we do?

Rumpelstiltskin: I knew you’d see it my way! Now give me my walking stick!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I love you walking stick.

Baelfire: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: Let’s burn the castle down and possibly kill countless innocent people!

Baelfire: DAD!

Rumpelstiltskin: I can hear their screams now.

Emma: Will you let go?! I can’t survive if you’re dragging me down!

Regina: Oh! Well! My bad then! *Is being sarcastic*

Emma: See ya!

Regina: Crap, she’s really gonna leave me!

Emma: Hey, the fire’s not that bad! Just letting you know that I’m fine with saving your life now!

Regina: I thought I hid all the fire extinguishers so that Henry couldn’t use them to hit me in the shins with.

Emma: He told me where he hid some.

Regina: You’re my best friend!
Emma: Oh shut up.

Emma: Our sudden problem with smoke inhalation has taken effect!

Regina: I’ll have you all know that this horrible smothering person stomped on my foot to keep me from abandoning her and the only reason I survived was because I latched onto her and refused to let go.

Emma: REALLY?!

Regina: Mmmmm, air.

Emma: You know what? Whatever. You just did it. I’m going to say yes!

Emma: I’m going to marry Mr. Gold, and I’m going to be sheriff, and we’re going to get custody of Henry because Mr. Hopper’s going to take our side of the custody battle and Mary Margaret’s going to be mayor and she’s going to get the house while you get that cabin in the woods! Enjoy that!

Regina: What just happened?!

: And my mom really said she’d marry Mr. Gold?
Firefighter: Yeppers!

*Seriously. We got at least four people right there that would vote for Emma in a heartbeat. You only have to look at Sidney to know what a tool he is. Why would they vote for him?!*

Regina: Is my hair still perfect?!

Sidney: Smile for the camera! I may not be able to solve crimes but at least I can take pictures of them!

Regina: You take a photo of me and I’ll shove that camera in places that it doesn’t want to be in!

Regina: And where is the firefighter’s jacket gone?

Mary: My bestie’s the new hero in the town! I’m going to have so many more friends!
Archie: I kinda regret that we broke up now!

Henry: My mom’s gonna marry Mr. Gold!

Ruby: OMGZ can I be a bridesmaid?!
Granny*Is happy that he’ll now leave her alone*

Mary: That is so wonderful.
Archie: Yeah…wonderful *Doesn’t mean it*

Granny: OH! We should make campaign posters showing you’re a hero! Even though everyone in the town is already here!
*I love Ruby’s hat*

Archie: That’s a great idea! I’m sure I know someone that can get 5,000 printed up by tomorrow morning!

Granny: We’ll cover the entire town!
Archie: I know!
Granny: Hey, you’re single, right?

Emma: Aw! They’re so cute!

Emma: See Henry? You don’t have to fight bad with bad!

Henry: It’s just more fun!

Emma: Oh Henry.

Emma: The only good that could possibly come out of this whole mess is that you might start being well-adjusted.

Emma: Which would be weird if you grew up with Mr. Gold as your stepfather but I think even that’s better than what you’re headed for now….hey, what’s that?

Emma: Light bulb!

Mr. Gold: Hiiii Emmma *Checks out through the reflection of his ring*

Emma: What is wrong with you, man?!

Mr. Gold: That’s exactly what my last 12 psychiatrists said before they quit.

Mr. Gold: Look woman, you’re going to have to be more specific!

Emma: This is exactly what I smelled the day I came into your shop! Which I think was yesterday.

Mr. Gold: Oh, you’re talking about THAT scheme. Okay, we’re on the same page now.

Mr. Gold: I got like 50 gambits going on at one time; you’re going to have to forgive me if I’m a little fuzzy.

Mr. Gold: By the way, when you stormed in, my bell broke off its stand, flew into the wall, and embedded itself.

Mr. Gold: But that’s more than okay because Henry raced in ahead of you and told me you said yes!

Emma: Why would I marry you after you tried to kill me?!

Mr. Gold: Oh Emma, it was only a LITTLE explosion that would’ve only taken a few years of reconstructive surgery if you’d been hurt.

Mr. Gold: Not that you would’ve been hurt, it was all a ploy to get you to save Regina.
Emma: But how did you know that it’d be us that opened the door? How did you know that‘d be there in time? Or at all? Or that I’d wait so long to go confront her?

Mr. Gold: Let’s just say that now Henry knows more than how to cut brake lines.

Mr. Gold: So how does this Saturday for the wedding sound?

Emma: *is horrified* I could’ve just left her there.

Mr. Gold: *Emma Winning Smile* Well, while that would’ve given us a landslide victory, you’re not the type unfortunately.

Emma: I’m not playing this game, I’m not winning this way, and we’re not getting married!

Mr. Gold: Aw! Well I’m just gonna cry into my pillow tonight. Alone. Because you know what I don’t do when you reject me? Go make out with Regina. That’s why I was a better catch than Graham.

Emma: Enjoy your card shark elbow sleeve strap things!
Mr. Gold: Maybe I will!

Mr. Gold: Be ready for Henry to want even MORE therapy sessions when you brutally crush his dreams just like his mother!

*Fails at Regina glaring*

Mr. Gold: Aw! She DOES want me!

 *CGI castle’s always look more exciting than what they really are*

Baelfire: Hey dad! How come we haven’t run into any guards?

Rumpelstiltskin: Because they’ve all been recruited or something.

Baelfire: If we can escape to the castle then why can’t we just escape the village?

Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Bae.

*Did Rumpelstiltskin get his hands on some gasoline or something?*

Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, the screams of the dying!

*Casually walks around*

Rumpelstiltskin: Well this giant curtain looks like a good place to hide a nice shiny dagger.

: Wouldn’t this be the most important thing in the castle? Why has no one run to save it yet?

*Wouldn’t it be a better idea to have the election elsewhere?*

Mary: I can’t believe Archie wrangled up 1 million of these all in one night. Oh, we’re painting the town, baby!

David: How does this stapler work?

Mary: David! You finally made an appearance! *Squees*

David: Hey! How are you?! Things are great! I got a job working at the animal shelter!

Mary: Well that…sounds like it’ll pay the bills.



Mary *Pulls self together*

Mary: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! You support this moron?!

David: Well, I don’t. But Regina does and my wife…
Mary: *Record scratch*
David: *Is oblivious* does too, and if there’s anything I’m successful at; it’s being whipped.

Mary: Well nothing brings a family together more than politics!
*Empties a full cartridge of staples into the poster*

Mary: Oh my. I’m out of supplies. I’m going to go get some more. Please make sure this edge that’s hanging off doesn’t fall will you?
*Runs off crying*

David: What did I do?

Sidney: Okay, I have to look good for this election AND for the date I’m SO gonna have with Regina afterwards!

Emma: Oh good. Mr. Gold isn’t here yet. I might be able to lie about accepting his proposal.

Henry: Hi mommy! Henry Gold here!

Emma: Maybe if I start running now, they won’t catch up to me by the time I reach the city border.

Mary: Well, I did all your notes for you. It’s just like college! You just need to make a couple of adjustments; just cross out ‘my bestie’ and put ‘I’ then you’re going to be fine! 

Mary: So you really broke up with Mr. Gold? No one’s EVER dumped HIM before!

Emma: I’d rather focus on the election.

Mary: Well just letting you know, Archie runs the twitter now and he put up a poll asking which was more awesome; you breaking up with Gold, or you rescuing Regina from the fire and the feedback was SO heavy that the entire system crashed!

 Regina*Is reading* So vote for the magic mirror so that the Evil Queen that killed the Huntsman by squeezing his heart gets even more power in this….Henry, remind me again why I let you write this?

Mary: And I thought we had problems.

Emma: I have to do this because I don’t want Henry going down the evil road of evil and I need to show him that good can win. Because he’s been depressed.

Mary: He’s been depressed for two weeks. You’re just noticing it now?

: Shouldn’t you be bribing people to vote for me?

Mary: We tried that. However we found that we made more progress when people promised to vote for you if we DIDN’T put our posters all over their lawn.

Mr. Gold: You’re too poor to stand in the way of me.

Emma: Oh no, he’s here. Since when do so many people care about who their sheriff is?

Mr. Gold*Is saying mentally* Hiiiii Emma!

Baelfire: I wish I had a normal childhood.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well that went completely better than expected. I only had to kill about 200 guards in order to escape.

Baelfire: DAD!
Rumpelstiltskin: AH! Bae! Don’t just pop out of nowhere!

Rumpelstiltskin: Give your old man a heart attack.

Rumpelstiltskin: I got the dagger…don’t know why I even brought you along.

Baelfire: Dad!

*Runs off crying*

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, on to summoning the forces of darkness!
*Pre-sexy Rumpelstiltskin’s kind of an idiot. It’s really sad, actually*

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe I should’ve asked the old man how I’m supposed to summon this thing.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey dude! Where you at?!


Rumpelstiltskin: Well that didn’t work out. I’m going to go home and cry as my son is being dragged away.

Rumpelstiltskin: The only benefit of tonight was my mass murder.

Chucky Wormtongue (Oh, like it’s not obvious): Hey dude.

Rumpelstiltskin: EEEK!

Chucky Wormtongue: What do you want? My Broadway gig goes on in an hour and I have to get out of these leather pants by then.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is trying not to imagine him in leather pants*

Chucky Wormtongue: Well this isn’t working out as well as I thought it would be so I’m going to make fun of your son.

Rumpelstiltskin: Big deal, I do that all the time.

Chucky Wormtongue: Well, how do you like the idea that he’s going to grow up to be as tall as the 6’11 woman that you married? In the Christmas photos people are going to wonder who the kid is and who the adult is.

Rumpelstiltskin: What?

Chucky Wormtongue: And how does it feel to know that you’re shorter than Chucky the doll?


Chucky Wormtongue: My heart…is…higher!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, you look familiar!

Chucky Wormtongue: You’re really gullible, you know that?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh…I wish I’d watched more “The Real Hustle”

Chucky Wormtongue: Oh, and you should know that this doesn’t come with an instruction manual and you’re going to have to figure it out on your own.

Rumpelstiltskin: NOES! I can’t do anything without the instruction manual!

*Creepy face*


Rumpelstiltskin: Hey wait! I know CPR!

Rumpelstiltskin: But I don’t want to be slammed with all kind of sexy at once. I wanted to take it a little bit at a time.

*BS show. BS. Learn to spell your character’s names right.*

Mr. Gold: Someone spray with mace so that I can get out of this!

Archie: And so as the new Twitter spokesperson, I promise you that we should call it straight down the middle. Vote for Emma.

Regina: *Is annoyed*
Henry: *Is imitating Regina*

Archie: Now you COULD vote for this guy, but outside of Regina…who actually talks to him?

Archie: Or we have Emma who everyone has pretty much warmed up to too now…let’s face it the two biggest horrible things she’s done is have a bad past and save Regina’s life.

*Audience breaks into laughter.*

Archie: Ha Mr. Gold. You were wrong! I CAN do standup comedy!

Archie: OUCH!

Archie: Well thank you VERY MUCH. I think my knee just snapped backwards!
Sidney: Get lost!

*Audience zones out*

Sidney: If you vote for me…I promise to be as inefficient as the last sheriff we had!

Sidney: Ah, I have the nostalgia factor in my favor.
Mr. Gold: Bring Archie back on!
*Audience cheers*

Regina: *Is enamored*

Sidney: That is all!

Regina*Shakes fists in glee* *Squees*

Emma: *Is trying not to be mortified*

*Is doing what he does best*

Emma: I don’t exactly know what so say…I’ve never been exactly a public speaker. When I came to this town I hated you all and thought you were all insane. Don’t think that’s any different…except for the fact that I MIGHT be going insane along with you.

Emma: And I should let you all know that Mr. Gold and I are NOT getting married and I’ll tell you why Henry…

Mr. Gold: Don’t listen to her, son!

Emma: He set up the fire to help me win and I don’t support or agree with it.

Mr. Gold: Ugh. Women. Always playing hard to get.

Emma: If you want a tool as a Sheriff then fine.

Emma: But remember that I’m coming clean with my unproven allegations because I think it’s the right thing to do. And we should all believe in the…right thing to do.

*Isn’t buying it, but is supportive anyway*

Mr. Gold: Stop confusing our new son, Emma! You’re going to give him issues!

Sidney: Is she still TALKING?!

Mr. Gold: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!

Regina: Even considering that relationship gives me nightmares
Henry: So...are we having a debate or not?

Mr. Gold*Leaves in a huff*

Regina*Smirk infinity*
*Why isn't she more concerned that Mr. Gold wants in on this?*

Ruby: The only good part about having this gig is that I don’t have to attend the mandatory snore fests we call meetings.

Emma: I’ve had eight of these. If I pass out anytime soon just let me sleep it off under the bar. If Archie finds out then Mr. Gold will find out and then the entire town will find out. I promise to keep the hangover vomiting to a minimum.

*Flicks glass towards Ruby.*
Ruby: Caught it.

Henry: Well I shoved my mother into the boiler room so I could get away. She should be fine.

Henry: You’ve inspired me.

Emma: Henry, how did you get this? You left both the walkies with me.

Henry: Your locks aren’t as effective as you like to pretend they are.

Emma: I’ll keep that in mind.

Henry: I think we should continue our operation of doom.

Ruby: What operation of doom?

Henry: And I’m okay that you broke up with Mr. Gold. I know that true love takes a while.

Emma: Oh Henry. I’m so tired that doesn’t even freak me out anymore.

Regina: Oh good, you’re here in the…one place that’s open at night.

Emma: You two are gloating more than usual, I guess you won.

Sidney: It’s okay! I’m sure that….I’ll have other opportunities to….impress Regina
Regina: No you won’t.

Regina: *Mutters incoherently*

Emma: What?

Regina: I said we took a vote of the only five people that matter in this town and you won.

Emma: What were the chances that happened?!

Sidney: Pretty big actually. Even I voted for you!

Regina: *Glares*

*So…were they all waiting just so Regina could give her the badge in private? Was this planned?*
Mary: So how are you dealing with the breakup?
Archie: I think I’m going to take an extended vacation after tonight.

Regina: You might want to start watching your back and brake lines again if you try to cross me.

Regina: Hee Hee

Hordor: Well, this one is kind of a wimp. He only killed twelve of us before we were able to take him down.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well isn’t that exciting? *Why is he only just arriving? Was Rumpelstiltskin trying to figure out how to teleport?*

Hordor: Team Mascot! Did you change your hair or something? You look entirely different!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, so all us dark ones all look the same to you? I see how it is!

Rumpelstiltskin: Even though I’m FAR sexier than Brad Dourif…once the fangirls get over the shock, I’m sure they’ll warm right up to me.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I want you!...To die.

Baelfire: Hey dad! Is that you?!

Hordor: R-R…I can’t read sideways!

Rumpelstiltskin: . Hey. You remember how you humiliated me in front of my son the other night?

Hordor: Uh…noooo?

*Tries to throw himself at Rumpel’s feet*
Hordor: Please don’t kill me!

*Is killed*

Rumpelstiltskin: Step off my new shoes!


Horse Guard: Leave me alone! I wasn’t even doing anything!

*Is mortified at his dad’s behavior*

Rumpelstiltskin: AND they made me mess up my new hoodie!

Baelfire: Uh…dad?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! Hey son! Forgot you were there.

Rumpelstiltskin: Now we have time for Birthday Bowling Night!

Baelfire: Dad! This is humiliating! You’ve gone crazy AND evil!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, don’t be a teenager!

Rumpelstiltskin: I promise not to use my ability to make too many strikes, but there’s no guaranteeing what I’ll do for Family Laser Tag!

Baelfire: I think it’s time I move in with mom!

Emma: Ah, the smell of victory…and stale donuts.

Emma*Gasp!* Graham’s ghost!

Mr. Gold: Hiiii Emma!

Emma: What are wearing?!

Mr. Gold: Bright stripy purple is the new fashion!

Mr. Gold: But if you want to be my trophy wife and do all the shopping for me, I won’t mind.

Emma: I’ll take being blinded by your fashion choices, thanks.

Mr. Gold: That hurt my feelings! Now we’re both in the wrong!

Mr. Gold: You for being sassy…and me for setting you up to save Regina in the fire and then standing up to me in front of everyone.

Emma: WHAT?!

Mr. Gold: Yeah that…didn’t come out as casually as I would’ve hoped.

Emma: So you planned this whole thing?

Mr. Gold: With absolutely NO hiccups. I am GOOD.

Emma: *Is in awe*

Mr. Gold: Try not to stare too long. It starts to make me uncomfortable.

Emma: Well join the friggin’ club.

Mr. Gold: Ooooo, I haven’t gotten close to dating a sassy one in a while.

Emma: We’re not dating!

Mr. Gold: Aw, they always like to play hard to get.

Mr. Gold: But they always see the light in the end.

Emma: The only light that’s going to be seen is the sun as you’re lying on your back from me punching you, you creepy little man!

Mr. Gold: Aww, you’re so cute.

Mr. Gold: By the way, I still have that favor you owe me, and you getting this position should help me more than it helps you…if you know what I mean.

*Is struggling not to bolt out of the Sheriff’s office.*

Mr. Gold: Have a good day, banana pudding!

Emma: I need to call Mary and tell her to get the shower ready!

The End

I own nothing.

Mr. Gold would give himself a 500% approval rate.

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