202 - We Are Both

Grumpy: When Charming starts whining about someone vandalizing the road, don’t any of you DARE look at me this time!

Sleepy: This is exhausting!

Sneezy: I left my allergy medicine at home and we’re in the forest!

Dopey: *Wonders why he’s a mute*

Sleepy: How do you even know where exactly the exact border of the town is?

Bashful: Where does our food come from?

Doc: Um…why don’t you have a stick?

Grumpy: Because I’m the smart one out of the group, any more stupid questions?

Grumpy: Now I don’t think all you know how important this is! We gotta protect the prince now that Snow can’t beat anyone up right now.

Sneezy: Why couldn’t we have just thrown Regina over?

Grumpy: I tried but she maced me. Now let’s see who has the smallest straw…so I can laugh at your calamity….

Happy: UGH! Mine’s not a stick! It’s a stick bug! Can I go home?!

Grumpy: I’m not even going to comment on how happy I am that it’s you Sneezy. I know you spent 28 years ripping me off on the most asked for brand; “Cough Syrup”.

Sneezy: No! It can’t be me! I’m the only enterprising one here! I’m expanding! I’m going places! We’re opening a half a shop! I call a recount!

Sneezy: Is it going to haunt you at all that you’re forcing me to do this against my will and I might die?

Grumpy: Of course not!

Sneezy: Hey! A quarter!

*Is flailing around in agony and crying for his mother*

Grumpy: Hey Sneezy! Are you okay?

*The Autumn festival was remarkably tame that year…*

Red: Like….how are people eating if they don’t rely on us for a change?

*Blinks*

*Ugh! Ack! What the frig show? Why do you put me through this? Why must you do this to me? Did I step on your mothers’ graves or something? What did I do to earn things like this? *Hates* *Hates* Thank you VERY MUCH for the nightmares! *

Geppetto: Oh my son…how come when I mention you, everyone turns pale and runs screaming in terror?

Red: Like…in case any of you are wondering, we don’t mind renting out rooms because we TOTALLY need to get our rent paid. And no one take this blanket because it’s mine!

Red: Also Jiminy’s here to be a negotiator between you all and Rumpelstiltskin for your things, he’s here to sign you all up for therapy and take volunteers for bowling night!

Jiminy: *Waves*

Red: But if you need anything, don’t talk to him, talk to me. I’m the new regular now! He’s recurring!

Jiminy: Oh, you just KEEP bringing that up, don’t you? *Storms off*

Blue: Oh, there’s where the missing blankets are! I figured that you’d be the one that’s been pilfering them!

Red: You can’t have them! I’m using them to build my tent in the living room!

Blue: Give it unless you want to see the back of my hand! *Takes*

Red: *Smiles mockingly and then attacks*

Regina: Who on earth is interrupting me from my morning murder?

Charming: A bit easy for you to open the door, isn’t it? Considering the mob tried to kill you and all.

Regina: I realized who it was and figured that you wouldn’t kill me without falling flat on your face.

Charming: I figure you should know that Granny’s on the roof across the street with her sniper crossbow. I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise, but she just shot me.

Charming: Can I slide down your railing while wearing this hat?

Regina: Should I just break out the baseball bat now and save myself a lot of trouble later?

Charming: I’m just kidding; this hat won’t even stand up by itself. I tried using frozen duct tape to get it to stand up but all it did was make my fingers cold. Do you know anyone that can help me with this thing?

Regina: Why should I try to help you repair the hat that your adorably big tush broke? In case you haven’t noticed, it’s been pretty quiet. I could get used to going at least twelve hours without one of you Charmings blathering at my door.

Charming: Because I don’t need to remind you that. People are still waiting outside and the two most influential people of this whole mess are gone so don’t ask me why they haven’t stormed this place yet. Ooo, they’re going to kill you dead but GOOOOOD. Henry’s set up a camera so we can watch it live!

*Is smolderingly smug*

Regina: Ugh, I’m going to have to do something about this new side of him. I just forgot how much I hate it when he’s happy.

Regina: So…how does it feel to know that your family’s in oblivion?

Charming: Oh, about as good as it feels to know that you’re going there next when I figure out how to fix my awesome hat. Oh wait, that’s a GREAT feeling. Sorry.

Regina: Oh good, you still buy that there’s nothing there and you don’t want to kill me even though you’re alone with me and I just tried to kill you a few hours ago.

Charming: RAWR!

Regina: What was THAT?!

Charming: Nothing, I just do that sometimes when I get alone with women that don’t like me or vice versa. I used to do that to Kathryn all the time.

Regina: …

Regina: Go HOME David!

Regina: Oh wait! It’s Charming. Sorry. I keep forgetting there’s a difference!

*Is insulted*

Charming: Well…back at ya!

*Smug Smirk*

Charming: And don’t forget it.

Regina: How do I not have a legion of guards to escort me? Do I only enjoy my daily ride alone? Am I Princess Buttercup? I am! I’m Princess Buttercup but a lot darker! Where’s Inigo Montoya? I want Inigo Montoya as my boyfriend!

Regina: Hurry up horse! I don’t appear to have packed anything and don’t have any money but I’m sure I can make my way in the world!

*Slenderman is PISSED*

*We SHOULD have a game from Slenderman’s POV*

Regina: Oh no! The trees remembered that it’s time for my Mary Poppins practice!

Regina: How did you know I was here, mother?

Cora: OF all the streets you could’ve taken, I can’t believe you took this one! They don’t call it Cora Surveillance Road for nothing!

Cora: And you rode right by and got dirt on this magnificent horror story I was reading; tell me Regina, have you heard of “Twilight”? It reminds me a lot of your father and I except I was more Edward and he was Bella…and we didn’t do silly things like sparkling. Seriously I think I grew gray when I read that.

Regina: AUGH! You dropped me!

Regina: Um, I twisted my ankle; I can’t go to my wedding!

Cora: Now, what exactly are you wearing? Are puffy shoulder pads all the rage these days? Let you have any more freedom and the next thing I’ll know, half your chest is going to be hanging out of a corset!

Regina: So…about this whole boundary curse…

Cora: Yeah, if you try to leave then Slenderman’s going to stop you. Except when Leopold is with you because once he and Slender got in a fight and Leopold won and Slendy’s scared of him now.

Regina: Well what if I’m just traveling alone with Snow?

Cora: OH yeah, that thing…I forgot she existed.

Regina: I just wanna be FREEE!

Cora: Stop saying that darling, it makes me want to punch you.

*Creepy smirk*

Cora: MOM! Stop DOING that!

Charming: Has anyone seen my sword?!



???: Please don’t order my death! I apologize for anything that I did to you, your mother, your grandmother, your grandfather.
Henry: Swear your allegiance to me and only me!
???: I swear allegiance to Henry Gold and will align myself to his murder posse and will only take the lives of those he commands.
Henry: *Rubs book full of names* It’s all going according to plan.



Charming: Henry! You’re not being a dictator in my place again, are you?
Henry: *Throws book to the side* No grandpa!



Henry: But I did read about a dragon that might be under the mines. We can throw nonconformists to appease her.



Red: Like…he totally slips away when I’m not looking and listens to stories from Rumpelstiltskin! I would’ve stopped him sooner but I was putting makeup over the claw marks that Blue put on my face. I think that you should fire her, Charming, that woman’s TOTALLY danger-o.



Charming: Hey, isn’t Rumpelstiltskin that creepy guy who hits on my girl all the time?!



Charming: Watch Henry, Red!
Red: Like ow, my slipped disc!



????: Just hypothetically…would it be weird if you found out I asked your daughter out once or twice? Or five times? Or…ten.



Blue: I did NOT randomly attack Red; in fact I’m wearing a wig because she ripped my hair out.



Red: Like…you wear the sweater of a liar!



Charming: Listen, if there was going to b e a catfight, I was sort of hoping that Regina and Snow would be involved. I don’t’ care about your petty problems!



Henry: Make them fight to the death! My stepdad says that’s the best way to fix women problems.



Charming: Oh great, my least favorite guards besides the ones that easily get killed. It’s the DWARVES.



Grumpy: Quick Sneezy, what do you remember?



Mr. Clark: I remember feeling your hand shoving me across some kind of barrier in the road and calling me Sneezy a lot. Did you guys all forget that my hated nickname in school was ‘SNOTTY?’



Jiminy: So you pushed one of your brothers over and hoped for the best?



Grumpy: What are you implying there, four eyes?!
Jiminy: Nothing! Nothing! You just got caught and led Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves to his death and you shoved Sneezy over the border knowing he could die…we might want to look over your homicidal tendencies.
Henry: *Is considering making him the captain of the murder posse*



Henry: My 2^nd in command! I need you to go scope out Regina’s place!



Jiminy: Stop calling me that! I never agreed to join you!  



Charming: I have to escape these crazies! This must be what Emma feels like!
*Crowd talks incoherently*
Jiminy: Wait! I heard the name Emma!



Charming: I AM A MUSICAL CONDUCTOR!  
Henry: Captain of the Guard, why are you hugging me?



Charming: My gosh, aren’t there other princes that you can annoy?!
???: We tried to go find Thomas but we couldn’t pull him out from under his car.



Charming: Quick! What’s that over there?
Crowd: Over where?



*Races off before they notice he’s gone*
Charming: If I’d known that I was going to have to make rousing speeches then I would’ve brushed my teeth!



Red: Like, what are you going to do?
Charming: Hide until everyone forgets about me.



Red: Well, like if you see Rumpelstiltskin then tell him he owes me 28 years of alimony!

Regina: Stupid Glade candle! “Lasts forever” my backside!



Regina: *Looks around* I knew that Charming was just trolling me. There are FAR less people waiting outside on my lawn than he gave credence to!



Regina: Don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me, don’t kill me….



Regina: GAH! The most terrifying of them all!



Jiminy: Guh! I uh…I wasn’t casing the house for Rumpelstiltskin or Henry!



Regina: I’m surprised that you’re even friends with Impy still considering that he has a new girlfriend in the mix.



Jiminy: He ALWAYS has a new girlfriend in the mix, but he always takes time for our guys’ nights. Our friendship is still rock solid! AND Belle likes playing Call of Duty with us! She’s like the greatest best friend’s girlfriend EVER!



Regina: And here I thought you were coming over here trying to be my new friend…not that I care or anything!



Jiminy: Um…why would I do that? Rumpel and I have been best buds for like 70 years now and you tried to kill the love of my life, Emma. I’d have to be insane to be friends with someone so evil!



*Epic Glare*



Regina: You may deliver that message.
Jiminy: I think I’d look sort of goofy if “I” tried to look like that.

*When Leopold asked the sculpture to make Regina’s likeness after she got out of bed, he never expected that would be the end result*



Snow: Who’s that lovely bride in the mirror?
Regina: Aw, Snow! *Blushes*
Snow: You guessed right! It IS me!



Regina: *Gritted teeth* Aw, so cute! *Yanks hair*
Snow: Do that again and you might ‘accidently’ lose a hand. I bite you know.



Snow: Ugh, isn’t that your tacky ring that your boyfriend gave you when you skankily tried to run off with him?



Regina: I really should’ve hid that better….you’d think I’d be more concerned with any memorabilia since my mother was all Anti-Daniel blandness….



Snow: Well, it’s mine now! That way when I look in the mirror…I can look down at the ring…and laugh at your failure to escape.



Snow: *Evil snickers*



Snow: And now I have you wrapped around my finger. I would hate for my father to…find out about Daniel if you don’t do what I say, now would we?
Regina: …



Snow: I said ‘now would we?’



Regina: If you try anything of the kind, I’m submitting you to the news as the world’s first female dwarf.



Snow: …



Snow: You fiend!



Regina: That’s right. I have the real power in our little rivalry. I wonder how you’d react to…BOARDING SCHOOL!
Snow: *Is horrified*



Regina: And GIRL SCOUTS!
Snow: *Is hyperventilating*



Regina: Also a little bit of strangulation!
Snow: How are you sympathetic again? If I could just reach the machete I keep strapped to my leg, I think I can get free!



Regina: *Was a daydream* Well crap, that would never work.
Snow: *Is sarcastic* Really blew the interior decorating budget, didn’t you?



Regina: I almost forgot about her machete!

Regina: Oh good, a servant. Fetch me my mental meds!
Henry: Oh Regina, for the hundredth time, I’m your father!



Regina: I’m blaming my mother for my homicidal tendencies toward a twelve year old!
Henry: Why are we talking about this outside where everyone can hear us?



Regina: Are you even listening to me?



Henry: Woman, please! When you’re going against your mother who rips hearts out, I NEVER listen to you.



Regina: I can’t believe I Never noticed how much of a wimp you are! How exactly did you marry her again?



Henry: There was some guy that she ran with for a while that apparently turned her into like she is. Which if you think about it turns the whole story of Rumpelstiltskin and the miller’s daughter on its head since she didn’t need him to spin straw into gold or something. Anyway, the man and I met at a fashion show and I took some clothing advice from him which included the leather pants which I STILL can’t get out of….



*Didn’t want that mental image.*



Henry: Anyway, we hit it off and when he scored me some free cherry cheesecake I said ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” And he was all like ‘Take this insane woman! PLEASE! PLEASE!’ and Cora came into the room and decided I was going to be her husband and Rumpel drove us to Vegas.



Regina: The guy that changed mom for the worst? That sounds like a plan! I shall summon him!



Henry: Whatever you say dear…wait, what?



Regina: And when I look at him like this, then he’ll do what I say! *Glares*
Henry: GAH!
Regina: Sorry daddy! I forgot your heart can’t take that!



Regina: Stupid dusty things *Glares*



*SUBTLETY!*



Regina: *Is practicing her Sherlock Scan.



Rumpelstiltskin: Why can’t you just break in at night like everyone else?



Rumpelstiltskin: Really, I’m surprised you want to be in a room with me again after what happened last time.



Regina: Well you know…any attempted murder that you can walk away from.



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is smug* Oh, that’ll be your catchphrase this season if I have anything to say about it…I DO hope it’ll be a short lived one!



Regina: Where’s my mommy’s book?



Rumpelstiltskin: Are things not working the fantastic way you remembered them working when you were using them? Luckily, I’ve never had that problem…if you know what I mean. *Actual dialogue* Maybe if you relaxed, it would just…happen.



Regina: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Did you have to say it like that?



Rumpelstiltskin: If you’ll excuse me, I think you wore out your welcome before you opened your car door. Please jump off a cliff.



Regina: Mmmmm no.



Regina: I see your ‘please’ has lost its punch.



Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll bet my punch hasn’t lost its punch. Shall we put that hypothesis to the test?



Regina: Well we could just sit here and glare until…



Regina: Ooooo, what’s in here?



Rumpelstiltskin: My pet rock collection.



Rumpelstiltskin: Here. You crazy backward kids should know that there’s no power button on this thing, right?



Regina: Mmmmyyyy Prreecciioouuussss.



Regina: Hey, was it you or mom that put the heart on here?
Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t make me literally kick your backside out of here!



Regina: Oh, and one more thing!



Rumpelstiltskin OUT! I have a lot of love letters I need to answer and they’re unrequited love is all more entertaining than you!



Rumpelstiltskin: What can I say? A man has needs.



Regina: *Is trying not to imagine him with half the female population of the town*



*Is awkwardly leaving*



*Didn’t the Little Mermaid poster get in trouble for building that tower?*



Cora: *Is sleeping* Oh George, you’re such a man in all the right places!



Regina: I can’t believe you make dad sleep at the foot of your bed!



Regina: Well I summoned every word in this book; I guess this silly misspelled one is the last hope.



Regina: I’ve never had a guy in my room before, you better be worth it.



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, “I” never get any complaints.



Regina: AWW! You’re so adorable! *Squees*



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is happy* DO you really think so?



Regina: I want to wear pants just like that! *Giggles*



Rumpelstiltskin: This is going to be great! I’ve never had a female best friend before! Jiminy’s great but I like to have two of everything in case one breaks.



Regina: *Awkwardly bows in a corset*



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is annoyed* Oh, we have a long way to go.



Regina: So you remember my mom?



Rumpelstiltskin: How could I forget? When I said I didn’t want to be her boyfriend anymore, she kicked me in the sternum and in the breadbasket!



Regina: *Struggles to hold in giggles*



Rumpelstiltskin: *Waits for her to break*



Regina: *Gains control*



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is disappointed*



Rumpelstiltskin: So, considering you haven’t tackled me yet, I’m assuming you want to make a deal.



Regina: Why are you standing so close?
Rumpelstiltskin: I just LOVE your shampoo!



Rumpelstiltskin: So… does your mom ever mention my name?
Regina: Only with a few expletives before she says your name.



Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, you wanna get together?
Regina: *Is trying not to imagine herself with Rumpelstiltskin*
Rumpelstiltskin: No! I meant for bowling night!



Regina: I wish my mom didn’t write all her love letters to all her lovers in here.



Charming: People of Storybrooke/Fairy Tale Realm/Other worlds. I am here not as your friend but as the man who you all picked without my consent to lead you.



Charming: *Bursts into spontaneous crying*
Henry: No, you’re doing great grandpa! I was laughing!



Charming: I did the fighting! Snow did the talking! She told crowds to listen to her or I’d stab them!



Charming: I’m going to take my awesome hat and go pout under the bed!



Henry: Hey! I never noticed that amazing hat before!



Charming: Really? Because I’ve been wearing it for like three days.







Charming: UGH! I thought Emma was supposed to burn that page!
Henry: She’s a bit lazy; Geppetto’s parents are on the top of her list but my stepdad sad no because they’re great security.



Henry: Can I go hang out with my stepdad? It’s his custody time.



Henry: We haven’t spent a lot of time together since I Nearly died trying to prove that I was right. Oh, by the way, I WAS right just so you know.



Charming: Hey, will your creepy not-stepdad see me?



Henry: I dunno, he’s been spending time with his trampy girlfriend. I’ve been trying to end her presence in my house but she keeps overcoming the traps. Hey granddad, what would you say if I convinced Moe that she wasn’t worth having around and sent her past the border?



Charming: *Isn’t listening* Whatever makes your day, kiddo.



Henry: You mean it?! You’re my favorite grandparent, grandpa!



Henry: OH I can just imagine her terrified screams as I strangle the life out of her!

Rumpelstiltskin: I really wish that I had SOME idea where I’m going, but since luck has been on my side thus far, I imagine I’ll run into Bae randomly.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hears door open* Ugh, my Nolan senses are tingling.

Charming: *Is trying to look heroic* You might want to lock your doors…anyone could come in.

Rumpelstiltskin: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: I see your personality change hasn’t eroded your sense of horrible heroic lines.At least you’re still funny to look at.

Charming: I just remembered that you’re sort of to blame for Emma and Snow disappearing. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t shove you in one of these glass containers.

Rumpelstiltskin: Because I’m pretty sure I could take you out.

*Imagines Matrix style fighting*

*Imagines Three Stooges style fighting*

Rumpelstiltskin: Now are you here for an actual purpose or am I going to have to test the sharpness of this knife collection when I start throwing them at you?

Charming: I also just remembered that on top of being my daughter’s hideously creepy marriage-isn’t-going-to-happen-fiancé, you’re also pretty good with spells and dressing people in better clothes.

Rumpelstiltskin: I have a few dresses that my new girlfriend isn’t wearing that I could lend you.

Charming: I need to find a certain guy that I’m just too lazy to just trot around town to go locate.

Charming: But I’m TOTALLY not telling you who it is!

Rumpelstiltskin: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s the Mad Hatter, isn’t it?

Charming: Nope!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, so you mean it’s NOT the guy that kidnapped your wife and daughter and threatened to kill one or both of them the night before your framed wife’s arraignment?

Charming: WHAT?! I mean…no.

Rumpelstiltskin: Is it-

Charming: Nope *Has an amazing poker face*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hates him*

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, this looks like something that could find your new bestie. Luckily I Just happened to have it right here. I was saving it for my beloved family member presumably but I suppose I can let you have it for whatever your tacky drama is.

Charming: Heh. Pretty color.

Rumpelstiltskin: Just sprinkle it on like hot sauce on a fish *Actual line because it’s hard to beat* So easy David Nolan could do it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I meant a ‘caveman’. Sorry.

Charming: *Is struggling not to punch him*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is making faces*

Charming: If that was the face that you were going to make to the future children Emma and you had, I’ll bet they’d grow up HATING you.

Charming: Oh crap, I Just also ALSO remembered that you have a price when it comes to these things. I’m pretty sure “Price of Gold” was spent with me learning that from the struggles of my friends….hope you’re not still sore about that whole imprisonment thing…

Rumpelstiltskin: You have to leave me alone and keep that big honking nose out of any future plans I have.

Rumpelstiltskin: Which may or may not include the continued seduction of your daughter in case my new girlfriend and I don’t work out.

Charming: Fine, I’m sure this won’t backfire! And you have to…stay out of…my way and my plans too or something.

Rumpelstiltskin: No caveman, that isn’t how this works. I don’t have to stay out of anything, I’m giving you the vial for your non interference, remember?

Rumpelstiltskin: Now take it before I drop-

Rumpelstiltskin: *Drops on purpose* Whoops. Good thing I don’t use real glass. You know, you could just use your fangirls to find who you're looking for. Oh wait....
Charming: Silence IMP!
Rumpelstiltskin: You know what my fangirls have done for me? Point out who they think is Bae every time we see a new face. Aren't they sweet?

Charming: I’m SO glad my future grandkids won’t look like you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, by the way, what happens if we cross the border? I’m not asking because I care or anything…

Charming: Oh, we lose our memories or something.

Rumpelstiltskin: But that’s stupid! Here we were in season 1 hinting that something worse might befall and all we do is revert back to who we originally were? I thought we’d blow up or something! This is worse than Lost’s ending!

Charming: Um….I’m leaving now.

Rumpelstiltskin: Idiot. Jefferson’s like right around the corner.

Rumpelstiltskin: This curse wasn’t supposed to backfire on ME!

Rumpelstiltskin: I never liked you, glass case!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Realizes what he’s just done* Oh, I’m sorry glass case, you just made me lose my temper and you got in the way. Could you ever forgive me? Things will be better, I promise.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Sniffles*

Rumpelstiltskin: If only I could find my fan girls to comfort me.

Rumpelstiltskin: And THESE are called jazz hands. You and I will need them for the parties we throw. No one can do them better than I can.

Regina: Well yeah, that’s great…about my MOM…

Rumpelstiltskin: Ah yes, that’s why you called me…

Rumpelstiltskin: Sometimes I like to pretend that my fingers are drum sticks and I jam to the beat of my own tune.

Regina: What on earth are you talking about? I thought I called you here for…I honestly don’t know why I called you in here for. I mean you made my mom to be like she is!

Rumpelstiltskin: Whoa! Hold the phone, cupcakes! I didn’t make your mom like she was! She made that decision herself! I mean how could I corrupt her when I’m the epitome of goodness?

Regina: What are you doing?

Rumpelstiltskin: You had an eyelash there!

Rumpelstiltskin: And there!

Rumpelstiltskin: Aw, such a little baby face!

Regina: You really need to stop doing this, I’m really getting freaked out and when I get freaked out, I produce tasers.

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t be such a prude, I was only fondling you.

Regina: My mother is horrible!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll take hugs as payment!

Rumpelstiltskin: So, I suppose you wanna get out of this whole marriage thing, right? Well this mirror will be your way!

Regina: The bow’s crooked.

Rumpelstiltskin: My honest to real best friend tied it. You should’ve seen the ones I tried.

Rumpelstiltskin: Sing about how great I am! I’ll conduct!

Regina: You don’t have a wand!

Rumpelstiltskin: You don’t need a wand to conduct!

Regina: professionals do.

Rumpelstiltskin: Anyway, if you inherited your mother’s judo kick then you should be fine! Don’t kick it until you’ve unwrapped it though…that’s something else I also tell the ladies.

Regina: Stupid mirror! *Glares*

Rumpelstiltskin: Um…what are you doing?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, you don’t have a thing against 7 possible years of bad luck, do you?

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve never tried this accent before. You get to be the first, does that make you happy?

Regina: Please don’t use it again.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh I plan not to, I plan not to.

Regina: Ugh, okay, that bow is going to drive me insane.

Regina: Sometimes I think Rumpelstiltskin just creates a whole lot of spells to justify the doodling he does.




Regina: *Blows dust off* The ‘care’ he takes of his toys.



Regina: Oh wait, I just realized that he might’ve hidden a chemical weapon in here!







Regina: Ugh, why did I buy those neon color contacts? They NEVER worked right.

Charming: If I hear Rumpelstiltskin laughing from his perch in the window, then I’ll know that he just did it to make fun of me!

*Hears Rumpelstiltskin cackling*

Charming: I KNEW it! *Throws down angrily*

Jefferson’s Hat: TEEHEE!

Charming: Come back here, you!

*And the whole street saw Charming get outsmarted by a broken hat*

Charming: AWW! The hat made a connection with a car. Well I can’t say I blame it. If my corpse got that potion sprinkled on it then I’d probably get plopped on my truck too! Or maybe even the hat mocked me….

Jefferson: I don’t feel attractive when the blood is rushing to my head.

Charming: Someone pretty! *Karate chops boards away*

Charming *Girly slaps door open*

Jefferson: OOOWWWW! When my mother told me not to admire myself in the mirrors or else I might drive into a wraith, I never thought it would actually HAPPEN!

Jefferson: At least my favorite bunny kept me company.

Charming: Hey, hey, dude, this is going to seem like a weird question but…are you Jefferson?

Jefferson: Um….NO?

Charming: *Makes buzzer sound* LIES!

Jefferson: My spinal injury!

Henry: Hey stepdad, it’s me. I would’ve spent some time with you but I remembered that my posse was meeting at the town hall and what could of a leader would I be if I abandoned my own group like some pushover grandparents I have!? Aw, you’re proud of me? Wow! Really?! No one ever said that before!

Red: Like put that away, granny! You might let it go off and accidently hit any potential love interests I have here!

Granny: Yeah…., ‘accidently’.

???: DANGIT!

Red: Henry, where’s your grandpa?

Henry: How should I know? I only wanted to live with him because he never pays attention! Where’s the rest of the town anyway? Are these the people that only pretended to care?

Regina: Aw, nothing like the smell of fresh death meat in the afternoon!

Regina: Hello everyone, tell your terrified screams to take a number and I will be with them shortly!

Archie: *Throws his prized bowling ball*

Regina: OW!

Grumpy: FOOTBALL TACKLE!

???: *Wishes he knew the layout of this place better so he could clear out*

Grumpy: *Slips on the wet floor*

Regina: Okay, seriously Granny? That wasn’t even aimed at my head!

Regina: Boomerang Fireballs! *Giggles*

Red: Like…epic beatdown coming!

*All the men are interested*

Regina: Oh bring it! I never liked the way you got possibly more fans than I have!

Henry: It’s come time you and I had an epic throw down woman.

Henry: Besides, I’m pretty sure all the social media sites would collapse upon themselves if you two ever got in a catfight.

Henry: I’ll go with you but only because it’ll be easier to kill you while you sleep.

Regina: Aw Henry! That’s my freaky little son!

Henry: It’s so cute how she underestimates me!

Regina: Hope you’re enjoying that spot on the roof across the street of my house, old lady.

Granny: Keep smirking, you gotta look out the window sometime!

Regina: Talk to the hand, everyone!

Jiminy: So um…fire!?

Charming: If you want to know what happened, I have NO idea. I found it like that!

Jefferson: How’s Emma?

Charming:….

Jefferson: *Is imitating Charming* She’s fine and madly in love with you, thanks for asking.

Charming: Are all my daughter’s love interests freak shows? Seriously, I thought you were too in love with yourself to even notice Emma. The only reason I know this was because she ranted about it in the car before she got wraithnapped.

Jefferson: When I was hanging upside down in my vehicle of awesome, I got to thinking…someone that looks this good shouldn’t have to keep it all to himself. He should share it with the world. And by world I mean the only girl that I didn’t have to kidnap to be at my place…

Charming: I watched “Sherlock” before I went to work today and so I caught up on my skills. I noticed the tea set and the bunny-

Jefferson: Bunny’s mine!

Charming: And I deduced that you have a daughter. Or maybe you’re just a perv. Or maybe both. Or maybe neither. I don’t know…I’m sort of new at this deduction thing.

Jefferson: Please tell me that you’re not the new sheriff.

Charming: What a great idea! I could make the laws…. Beat men down when they refuse to abide by them…

Jefferson: So I guess all those infomercials were right…some pills CAN help you man up!

Charming: CHARMING MAD!

Jefferson: Oh careful, you might break a nail…

Charming: Grrr!

Jefferson: *Is unfazed* Careful, my spinal injury!

Jefferson: Hey blondie, how does it feel to know that the one person you keep trusting is a liar who tried to kill your family over and over again?!

Charming: Wait…Are you saying that Fairy Tale Land is still there?

Jefferson: DUH! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Except you ruined the chance to go home when you did a stage dive on my beloved hat! Leave it to you to mess everything up just like you always do!

Charming: I’m stunned!

Jefferson: Yeah, when I drugged your daughter and took her coat, she ranted to me about you too!

Charming: Huh?

Jefferson: *Shoves table on his toe*

Charming: OWWW!

*Giggles*

Charming: Hey you!

Jefferson: *Giggles* Hey, who is THAT?!

Red: Who is THAT?!

Charming: Frantic RAWR!

Charming: Ruby! Stop feeling me up! I have to jump in the nearest car and run that guy down!

Red: Something important happened that you failed to be at. Unless you suddenly put on a dress and made off with Henry, he’s in Regina’s talons now!

Charming: WHO?!

Jefferson: *Giggles*

Red: *Punches in the sternum*

Red: Now are you gonna save your grandson soldier?! Or am I going to have to knock some sense into you again!

Charming: *Is scared*

Red: Now YOU go find your son…I’ll force myself to go find Jefferson.

Regina: Now don’t go setting the house with any more deathtraps young man. It took me all night to find all the ones that you hadn’t set off yet!

Henry: Well I supposed that I’ll just have to try harder!

Regina: *Is flouncing around*

Henry: Oh good, she still hadn’t found the bomb that I put in here. Well, I’m sure she won’t notice me trying to escape just as she brought me back!

Henry: GAH! Curse my lack of upper body strength!

*Slenderman is PISSED*

Regina: Henry! What are you doing?!

Henry: Um…nothing?

Regina: Henry, are you insane? You could’ve been killed hanging around out there!

Henry: Well gee; add that to the list of near death experiences I’ve had because of something you did.

Regina: Oh Henry, don’t act like that, don’t you know I kept trying to kill your biological family because I love you?

*Doesn’t buy it*

Regina: Crap…okay um…..I’m really just misunderstood and had a bad childhood…

Henry: Woman, “I” had a bad childhood, Emma had a bad childhood, Jiminy had a bad childhood but they don’t go around trying to kill other people!

Regina: I-um….magic corrupted me but I’m a good person at my core!

Henry: Woman, you killed your own father. You separated families in the forest and sent children to their deaths because you wanted an apple as opposed to just killing my grandma! You raped the Huntsman and you kept trying to hurt my family and you didn’t give a rat’s patootey if you emotionally and mentally hurt me while you went after them! And now you wanna look sad and say you’re sorry and expect the audience to buy it just because mommy was mean and ripped your boyfriend’s heart out? And that's not even counting the curse you enacted because you wanted everyone to be as miserable as you were!

Regina: When you’re older, you’ll understand. You can even invite your friends!

Henry: I don’t HAVE friends; you isolated me even more when you made everyone think I was crazy without a thought to how that would affect me!

Regina: I-uh…you can learn magic!

Regina: Cupcakes!

Henry: *Is not impressed*

*I get hungry every time I look at that thing*

Regina: I’m gonna eat it! I’m gonna eat it!

Henry: Why would I learn magic from you when this abridged series of me has pretty much confirmed that I want you gone?

Regina: Now look here, you little snot…

Henry: *Is sarcastic* And there’s the loving mother I’ve come to appreciate!

Regina: Henry! That hurt!

Henry: So did eating that GOPOPAT. So, thank you VERY MUCH for that.

Regina: I wonder if anyone will notice that I’m smuggling a table out under his dress.

Cora: Hey, who put that there?

Regina: Oh, that’s a portrait of…me.

Cora: Don’t be silly Regina, that’d be a horrible thing to do to a bride on her wedding day.

Cora: Unfortunately dear, you didn’t inherit enough of my looks to be as amazing as I was on our wedding day.

Regina: MOM! That’s SO not cool!

Cora: Oh get over it dear. And propellers on your hips a new fashion or something? How are you going to get through the door?

Cora: You know, once I was standing in a dress like yours ready to be Rumpelstiltskin’s wife…but then he got sober and laughed me out of the castle.

Cora: Now don’t slouch darling, mother wouldn’t want to have to sew a rod to your back.

Regina: I can’t help it! This forty ton necklace is pulling me down!

Regina: Hey…what would you say if I sort of made off with your book and summoned that creepy imp guy to brutally murder you or at least maim you a little?

Cora: IN your bedroom?!

Regina: Yeah, also can you let me go? I can’t push you in the glass if I’m bound!

Rumpelstiltskin: Get her to turn around! Do it! Just do it! Do it!

Regina: *Glare of death!*

Cora: *Stumbles back in horror and falls in*

Regina: Oh GREAT! I just remembered that my mother is the maid of honor, all the bridesmaids, the flower girl, and my handmaiden! How am I going to explain the terrified screaming and then her disappearance?

Regina: Oh good, I didn’t get my gloves dirty

.

Red: Like…slow down Charming!

Charming: I have to get ahead of everyone!

Red: You ran them all off the road!

Jiminy: Get out of the way! I want to be spineless again!

Charming: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Blue: I’ll rip him down from where he stands!

Geppetto: Why am I leaving?! I thought I was looking for my son!

Red: Don’t worry Charming, I totally know Blue’s fighting style! I’ll protect you!

Charming: This is my invisible dog! If you try to pass then he’ll maul you!

Charming: Sit Ubu, sit! Good dog.

Charming: Now I don’t think you all have any reason to complain about your identities when “I” had be DAVID!

Jiminy: I was a spineless doctor with no hope of love until Emma came to town…

Blue: I have to wear clothes and flat shoes and had to dodge Mr. Gold trying to run me down all day…

Geppetto: I was childless with a wife who may or may not exist!

Extra: Just give me my free lunch!

Charming: EXACTLY! Now do you all want to go back to those loser identities?

Geppetto: Well I didn’t want to until I heard people were freaking out because of the walking puppet that is my son.

Jiminy: Emma’s gone…the love of my life is no more and I don’t want to be 2^nd in command to a murder posse!

Charming: Just because magic is back and we can’t leave and we’re trapped with that weird imp guy and an evil witch and our savior is gone is NO REASON TO PANIC. Also I might be taking over as sheriff!

Red: Word. Totally.

???: *Suppresses laughter*

Charming: Now let’s go home and make this a town that people who will never come here will be proud of!

Charming: WHO’S WITH ME?!

Crowd: ……

Crowd: *Are laughing*

Charming: Oh guys! Come on!

Blue: We could always turn the truck over but that seems like it would be too much of a bother…

???: The Justin Bieber to my left agrees.

Jiminy: As second in command of our little murder posse…I think it’s time we all went home…no army would leave its leader behind…

*Are amused at his attempt*

Red: Like…you did it!



Charming: Yes I did! *Is heroic*

Regina: Is this still my wedding day? Is that boundary curse still up?

Rumpelstiltskin: What, you’re leaving?! I got all dressed up for the event! I was going to catch the bouquet!

Regina: Here’s my mom’s diary thing back. You can read all the things she thought about you.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ve already read it!

Regina: ….

Rumpelstiltskin: Already read yours too!

Rumpelstiltskin: So...how does it feel to know that your mother might be being chased by a jabberwocky now?

Regina: What the frig is a jabberwocky?

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t say ‘frig’ you naughty little girl

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, wanna learn magic?

Regina: *Is happy* Seriously? You’d take me?!

Regina: *Gasp!* Would I get to wear leather pants!

Rumpelstiltskin: The idea of a woman wearing pants. Ugh.

Rumpelstiltskin: Alright but only because leather pants are a requirement in my friend circle and Jiminy can’t fit in any without looking really weird.

Regina: I think we’re going to be the BEST of friends!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yyyyeeesss.

Rumpelstiltskin: How about a kiss?

Rumpelstiltskin: Just kidding dearie, for some reason the idea of dating you repulses me.

Regina: Hm. Odd. Same here.

*Is making faces in the reflection of the heart*

Charming: CHARMING SMASH!

Regina: Can’t you knock?

Charming: Can’t you NOT commit felonies for one day? Attempted murder yesterday on me…multiple assaults and kidnapping today…

Regina: I know magic…do you really think that you can beat me up with your sword? Let’s remember how that went on the finale, shall we?

Charming: Stand still…I can’t kill you in one stroke if you’re flailing around.

Regina: Is this even your sword? And if not, where did you find it? And if so, did you have to climb down the elevator to get it back?

Regina: I’ve suddenly decided that I’m going to try and be sympathetic even though I just tried to kill you last night and threatened everyone around Henry and this is just in the past two days. Yeah. It’s probably THAT kind of a turnaround.

Henry: It’s about time, I was wondering if people would ever look up and see the bat signal that I put up.

Regina: Oh Henry…*Ahem* *practices singing vocals* Okay, now that I have an audience to watch me, I think I should tell you that I’m sorry.

Henry: *Doesn’t buy it*

Regina: Um…I don’t know how to love very well…

Henry: Yeah, except the stuff you showed to me was never even remotely called ‘love’.

Regina: *Is annoyed* Oh stop, just because I held you here and didn’t call anyone to come pick you up and have only talked to you now that Charming has shown up is no reason to not show some respect!

Henry: You’re aware that you’re standing on a mine right now, aren’t you? It’ll end badly if you don’t let me go.

Regina: Pfft, like you would be able to buy something like that.

Henry: Oh mommie dearest, I didn’t buy it…I built it…

*Is freaked out*

Regina: Go Henry…just go…

Henry: And you promise that you won't assault anyone to try and get control of me?

Regina: *Glares* If I must….

Regina: Eventually, you’re going to miss the amount of neglect that I gave you!

Henry: Oh mom, not in front of grandpa.

Charming: So…that was pretty sudden…

Regina: Are you saying that you’re not buying my sudden want for redemption?

Charming: Um…no! You only seem to want to change so that Henry will pretend to tolerate you, not because you’re actually sorry!

Regina: Look, just go with it, okay!? We’re having new villains coming on and they might be worse than us which gives me a convenient excuse to be good!

Charming: Can I leave now? I have a Hatter that I need to beat up!

Regina: *Is exasperated* I guess!

Charming: Ugh, this sword is heavy!

Charming: Ugh! Bad idea! Now I’m cutting through muscles and tendon!

Regina: Poor poor Henry.

*Is not Krycek*

Dwarves: Hi ho! Hi ho! To guard Charming we go! Snow White paid us quite a lot! Hi ho! Hi ho!-

Mr. Clark: I’m starting to notice that something really weird is going on in this town!

Grumpy: Give me your lunch, Snotty!

*Are happily tormenting*

*Good to know that Dopey’s wearing his PJ’s for filthy mining*

Red: I totally don’t think I’m up to code for waitressing!

Charming: Alright Henry, let’s get lunch! Don’t wonder off!

Henry: *Wonders off*

Henry: August said that when he turns into a giant wooden puppet that he was going to kill you last!

Geppetto: Please don’t be an abomination of nature! Please don’t be an abomination of nature! Please don’t be an abomination of nature!

Geppetto: He’s gone?! I’m glad that I don’t have to look at him in his condition right now but that just makes this worse!

Geppetto: I can NOT believe that he thought this was fashionable….

Rumpelstiltskin: Where the frig is Belle?

Regina: What was I thinking when I got this dog thing? Seriously, no wonder everyone doesn’t like me! They have to deal with that staring at them!

Regina: Hope it doesn’t catch fire again…this is what happens when I take a shower while trying to read…

Regina: There we go! All dry for my possible nonredemption!

Charming: So, it’s not all bad with me, right? I mean, what everyone says isn’t true…you didn’t practically run to Regina yelling ‘take me! Take me!’ did you?

Henry: ….

Charming: Your silence doesn’t make me feel better, kid!

Henry: You’re not SO bad.

Charming: Promises?!

Henry: *Is lie smiling* He bought it!

Charming: *Is obliviously happy*

*Are in sync*

*In unison*

Henry: Did you just copy me?!

Charming: Did you just copy me?!

Aurora: Are we there yet?

Mulan: Please shut up Aurora.

Aurora: Are we there yet?

Mulan: Please shut up Aurora.

Aurora: Are we there yet?

Snow: I’m sort of annoyed that we didn’t see us meeting!

Emma: Will that be a deleted scene?!

Mulan: *Is irritated by having to deal with three of them*

Emma: So, now that we’ve been walking for days…I think I should tell you that I’ve let the idea that you’re my Momgret sink in.

Snow: REALLY?!

Emma: Yeah, and I still hate you.

Mulan: Let’s go, I don’t have all day!

Emma: Why couldn’t we have a horse?! You could’ve just tied us down!

Emma: So…this is our enchanted world? Pfft, how disappointing!

Mulan: I think these are some of the only people alive in this world. Thanks for that you two.

Snow: *Is annoyed* Not EVERYTHING is my fault.

Emma: Wouldn’t know that listening to Regina….

Snow: WRAITH!

Mulan: WHERE? WHERE?!

Mulan: Someone fetch me a boomerang!

*Is knocked out*

*Mulan has quite an arm*

Emma: MOMGRET! You klutz!

Emma: You nearly popped her skull open like a watermelon!

Aurora: Mm, watermelon…I’m hungry.

Mulan: Throw them in the pit so that they can freely consort with the other extremely dangerous prisoner!

Emma: Momgret! Don’t you dare die of a blunt instrument to your head and leave me here! I might tolerate what you did to me if you survive!

Emma: Hey! Come back here with her wallet!

Emma: MOMGRET! Are you awake?!

Snow: You rolled me over on my head wound!

Cora: Mwahaha. I’m evil…I mean- your poor friend!

Emma: Why are you all in the shadows like that?! I’m sure everyone KNOWS who it is!

Cora: FINE! Does that make everything better!?

Emma: Yeah see, NOW I can be properly freaked out!

Snow: I think my brain is swelling!