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Friday, February 15, 2013

115 - Red Handed

David: *Blubbers* Please don’t arrest me, do you know what it would be like for someone as pretty as me in prison? I’d be traumatized before I even got off the bus!

David: Also your coffee mug sucks

Emma: You know David…I had to hear you cry in the car, I had to feel you kicking at my seat. I had to drag you out of the car, hoist you over my shoulder and carry you into this station, I had to tackle you when you ran for the window….you’re not really doing much to convince me that you might be innocent.

David: Well I certainly hope that it’s warm where Kathryn’s at and not cold.
Emma: Cold as in where you dumped her?

David: But you have to believe me! And don’t listen to what the neighbors say because I ALWAYS clean my house in the dead of night with bleach! It’s what keeps the Mr. Gold’s away.

Emma: Tried that. Didn’t work. Well….knock on wood that she’s actually alive and everything about her missing and possibly dead is a well-constructed lie.

*Knocks on wood*

David: I don’t even know where that phone call came from. It’s not mine! I was um…saving it for a friend.

Emma: You know, it might help if you were looking me in the eye when you were saying this?

Emma: Well too late NOW

Emma: I’m pretty good at spotting a liar. And, honestly, liars have better material. Now, go home

David: Um…so am I lying or not?

Emma: Oh David.
David: I did NOT mean to say that out loud.

Emma: Just…go home. I want to see you anymore and we’re not even sure there’s a real crime yet even though no one knows where she is, she left all her stuff behind, and the car was found abandoned in the middle of the woods at night.

David: Well then….have fun cleaning out this mug that you took time to make a drink for me with because I’m packing my bags and skipping town! I mean…crawling into my bed and crying myself to sleep.

*Is trying to look smooth*

Emma: Also you might want to get a lawyer!

David: Perfect! I’ll get Mr. Gold! I’m pretty sure he loves me!

Emma: Dangit! I was hoping to avoid having him leer at me in this plotline!

August: How did the Winehouse lookalike contest go?
Ruby: It was alright. Crowd was kinda dead this year.
August: Um….
Ruby: Yeah that joke might’ve been the reason I didn’t win….

August: *Is trying to find a way to offset the awkwardness* Um….I’ve been to…Nepal?

Ruby: That sounds so sexy! What’re the dance moves like?

*Swivels head*

Ruby: Sweet! I made that one popular you know!

August: *Is in awe* I love that move! Meeting you now makes me happier than the time I was in Nepal bungee jumping off prayer temples carved into mountains with the lemurs that live there except for not really!

King Julian: What is that you say? I have nonexistent relatives?!

August: You know what would be even MORE fun? If I had a leather and tight jean wearing woman to come with me!

Ruby: I don’t even know what jeans are but…sure!

August: Huh? I wasn’t talking to you!

Ruby: Dangit, if I’m not going to ever get to go Gold then SOMEONE might as well take me out of town!

Granny: Ruby, stop disgracing the family name and get over here!

August: I wouldn’t worry about going Gold. I’ve heard that it isn’t as great as what everyone has made it out to be.

Ruby: Are you kidding?! He’s asked everyone but me! Even the nuns!

August: AHAHAHAHA! Oh wait…that wasn’t supposed to be funny.

August: Who is that gorgeous lady over there?

Ruby: *Psychotic eyes* Am I going to have to shiv you, granny?!

Peter: Please be changing, please be changing.

Red: Like OMGZ you’re here! Isn’t winter break in college great! WE get to be home and I get the chance to open the shutters!

Peter: I LOVE that euphemism.

Red: Shhh! I can’t let Granny hear us! She hates you.

Red: She thinks you’re just Rumpelstiltskin in disguise coming to draw me away from the house so he can double back and seduce Granny like the last four boyfriends I thought I had.  

Peter: Hey, I know it’s dark and it’s woodsy and there’s a wolf the size of a horse out here somewhere but climb through the window and be with me for a minute!

Red: I can’t climb out in a dress!

Peter: Then take it off!

Red: *High pitched giggle* I’m leaving now.

Peter: Wait! Give me some sugar!

Red: What measure cup do you need?

Peter: I mean a kiss.

Red: OH! *Giggles*

Red: I don’t think I will.

Red: He likes it when I play hard to get!

Red: Geez Granny, the wolf could hear your howling! What the heck is going on?

Granny: Nothing that you need to concern yourself with?
Leader: Then why were you calling her?

Granny: Just let the wolf have a few sheep! Nothing appeases the forces of darkness like us participating in animal sacrifices!

Red: Granny, that made me feel really uncomfortable for some reason.

Granny: Shut up and stop disappointing your parents.

Red: But I want to go too! I’m sure I’ll be a big help with my heavy skirts and my cloak and my surprisingly accurate night vision!

Granny: Red, don’t make me put you in the kennel! I mean your room!

Red: Well then why was I sent to SWAT/Con/Escape artist school if not for this?!

Granny: Because I was hoping you’d find a husband, that’s why! Now keep your hood on. Wolves are put off by red.

Red: But Granny….BLOOD IS RED.

Leader: Should we…have left by now? This is starting to get awkward.
Granny: Yep!

Leader: My nose!

Red: I wish we lived in a castle on top of a mountain and didn’t have to worry about this.

Granny: I know what you’re insinuating young lady and it’s not going to happen! I’m far too young for him of all people and there is no way I’m giving birth to any of his creepy children!

Granny: Stop thinking about that right because I’ll start to think about it as well!

*You think they’re blocking the wolf out but they’re really blocking out Rumpelstiltskin*

Granny: I was hoping that your schooling would’ve gotten you a job and you would’ve bought me a recliner! Guess you’re like your mother…full of disappointment.

Red: *Mutters*
Granny: And don’t go opening your shutters! Because these walls are thin and I can hear you!

Granny: Just let Rumpelstiltskin come in here asking to be my husband. I DARE him!

Ruby: That was humiliating Granny! Don’t you dare punish me for flirting with that guy!
August: I have a name you know!

Granny: I need you to start learning how to do the paperwork on this place now that we have more business coming in. With more business comes more money and with more money comes more letters written by us begging Mr. Gold not to raise our rent.  Now, I need you to work on Saturday night.

Ruby: But we have an agreement on Saturday nights

Granny: Ruby, we live in Storybrooke, how exciting can it be here?

Ruby: You know…if I had a choice I wouldn’t be here! I’d be in tight jeans and leather and bungee jumping off prayer temples! On a motorcycle!

August: You most certainly would not.

Ruby: You know what? Why don’t you just go ahead and go to a taxidermy shop and get yourself stuffed up in the corner so you can bark orders just like you always wanted to do for the rest of eternity!

Granny: And why don’t’ you get some more feather extensions and fly away?  

Ruby: Well maybe I should quit and leave you up here by yourself to deal with the waitresses that aren’t hired for a regular/recurring role.

Ruby: Like maybe right now!

Granny: Say it, don’t spray it darling.

August: *Giggles*

Ruby: I-I mean it! I will! Maybe I’ll camp out at Mr. Gold’s home and I’ll convince him to double our rent!

Granny: Aren’t you forgetting that when you did that last week, he chased you with his cane until you got off his property.

Ruby: Well it might be a different kind of week!

Granny: Or maybe he’ll just use you to get to me!

Ruby: Well, he’ll have no choice but to accept me as Mrs. Ruby Gold because I quit as to inspire his pity!

Red: *Sigh* Another night of totally wishing I had my OWN episode.

Red: Any luck Granny?
Granny: No, he didn’t come in but I heard him giggling and circling the house. One day he’ll come in and propose and that’s when I get him.

Red: Oh Granny, don’t shoot him anywhere lethal. If you just injure him then I can totally nurse him back to health and he’ll fall in love with me and take me to his rocking house up in the mountains and if I play my cards just right we’ll have our own show on MTV!

Red: Like granny…why can’t we just move?

Granny: Don’t ask stupid questions Josephina.

Red: Granny! How many times do I have to tell you to use my sorority name!? *Stomps out*

Red: My life sucks. I wish the untold part of my past that leaves me confused and alone in the middle of the woods at night had NEVER happened.

Snow: Just take me alive! I’m royalty!

Red: Uh…hi…what’re you doing to our eggs?

Snow: They looked cold so I was knitting them all little sweaters…..

Snow: But these two were left so I was doing my best to keep them warm.

Red: Oh like…its okay person I don’t know. You can come stay with us!

Snow: You’re a little too trusting I don’t think I want to take you up on that offer.

Snow: However I did duck in here because it was cold and I don’t see how I was warmer because there’s no glass….where did I get the gloves and the scarf? Did Paxington knit them for me?

Red: Oh don’t worry about that because we’re going to be sisters! Except I won’t get mad when you take my clothes so that doesn’t count…we can be BESTIES!

Snow: I didn't understand a thing that just came out of your mouth.

Red: You don’t know what a bestie is?!?!?!?!?!?!

Red: They’re only like the greatest things in the whole world! They’re like ‘best friends’ cranked up to eleven! No…twenty! No...

Snow: I don’t think I’m ready to take that leap in our relationship yet.

Red: *Is Sad*

Red: That’s okay….I used to have tons of besties….until they kept disappearing on me and leaving me alone.

Snow: *Feels bad*

Snow: Aw, I suppose you don’t freak me out too much. We can have a sleepover or something.

Red: OMGZ YAY! *Squees to the nth power*

Snow: Don’t make me regret this, don’t make me regret this….

Red: And you can stay with me for Rush Week and Granny totally won’t mind having a visitor over as long as she can abuse you verbally! She’s half blind so she’ll probably get us mixed up but don’t be offended by that because she gets me and Peter mixed up all the time and we’re used to it by now. We’ll stay up late….talk about boys….make fanfiction writers race to their computers before the episode’s done….um…OH! Pillowfights! There will be pillowfights! I should warn you though; I usually load mine with rocks so you might want to wear a hockey goalie mask…

Snow: Wow, and I thought Rumpelstiltskin gave me nightmares…..

Red: We need to get some water to douse Granny with when she faints after she hears I have a new bestie and houseguest that I knew for less than three minutes!

Snow: I need a subject change…What was all that howling I heard?
Red: A wolf? Duh. Wow, you are like…REALLY sheltered, Frosty.
Snow: I told you to call me Mary.
Red: I like Frosty much better!

Red: Here “Frosty the Bestie” can you pull the rope? New besties do ALL the heavy lifting!

Snow: I wish I’d listened to daddy’s advice and taken up upper body strength building instead of tightrope walking!

Red: Like…the water’s totally red! Why would it do that? OMGZ’S Frosty, the Kool-Aide Man has come to bless our well!

Snow: I-I-I-I-
Red: Frosty, go get my camera phone! I gotta take a picture!

 *Aren’t going to be making it for tea*

Red: OMGZ, Frosty the Bestie, what did you do?!

Mary: Bestie! David called me on the phone crying and said you played good cop bad cop and then threatened to go all “Shield” on him. But I didn’t believe him because you’re my bestie and you know what they say. Besties before bros before hos.

Mary: Any news on Kathryn? I have a feeling that she’s probably buried six feet under but don’t ask me how I know that because it’s probably just a feeling and David shouldn’t look guilty at all

Emma: Yeah, why shouldn’t he want his wife dead after he and his girlfriend got together and said girlfriend got slapped which…after weeks or months of lying and then suddenly wanting to honest was kind of deserved after making out with her husband in broad daylight….

Mary: Bestie! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Emma: I’m…not. I know that he has his share to suffer but you knew he was married and you got involved with him anyway and now that his wife has conveniently disappeared people are going to be looking at you guys and so…you know you might want to keep you’re your little rants about Kathryn to yourself for now.

Emma: Geez, I’m starting to see where Henry might get it.

Ruby: I don’t need a ride. I don’t even think you have a car.

Dr. Whale: Hey beautiful. I see you’re already wearing white…just that much closer to a wedding dress. My name is Doctor Whale.

Mary: But it’s me! We’ve dated!
Emma: How come you just don’t answer him like I do?

Dr. Whale: I don’t think- I- Uh-
Ruby: *Is enjoying this* Yes Whaley, just to answer your question, we’re all packin’ now.

*Are watching him run away*

Ruby: Well, I’m leather clad and tight jeaned and waiting for August to ride by so that I can throw my backpack at him, knock him off, and in no uncertain conditions force him to take me with him.

Mary: *Happy gasp* That just sounds so romantic!
Emma: *Is freaked out*

Ruby: Because I quit because that’s the only thing I could do and I’m going to see the world and I won’t need anyone except him and we’re going to adopt lemurs for our children and I’m not going to miss this horrible town at all and *Starts sobbing*

Emma: That’s a shame….

Emma: Well, see you Ruby!

Mary: Or you could come live with us!
Emma: Grrr.
Mary: Emma would be more than happy to give up her bed until you figure things out.

Emma: ?
Ruby: Really?! YAY! I’ve wanted to know the secret of your friendship for so long! You guys are like…untouchable!

Mary: *Squees*

Ruby: *Squees*

Emma: Just kill me now.

Extra 1: Okay, one word! First word is…..


Red: Like…why do we let Marvin start off Charade Night? He always blanks!

Marvin the Leader: Well, now that the people that actually are featured in more than one episode are here, I think it’s convenient to tell you all that I doubled back ten minutes ago and-

Extra 52: Hey, he just happened to leave ten minutes early and he just HAPPENED to survive?
Extra 30: I heard he left the group on purpose
Extra 17: He’s the wolf! Kill him!

Marvin: *Is in love* Hi Granny.

Granny: *Is in love* Hi Marvin.

Red: Miinnnndddd bleach.
Snow: Do you think anyone will think it’s weird that this complete stranger is standing with you covering her face that just happened to show up during wolf’s time?

Granny: Ahem Hide your kids… hide your wives…

Red: Granny! This is no time to break out into song!

Snow: Why’d I eat garlic? Ugh!

Granny: I know what I’m talking about because I was there to watch it when I was a girl. All my brothers were veterans in the Ogre’s war and they were huge! I…apparently didn’t GET that gene but that’s another story…

Granny: I so love your hat, Norris.
Norris: Well thank you, it’s the latest brand.
*Why is the grim reaper standing in the background?*

Granny: But they decided it’d be fun to try and kill the wolf and so I climbed up on the roof to watch because if there’s anything that I like to see it’s a good old fashioned gore fest. Anyway, it went about as well as you can imagine and the wolf slaughtered all of them

Granny: Then I got….clumsy and fell off into what USED to be daddy dearest and the wolf …*Dun dun DUN!* Bit me!

Peter: Who is that hot assassin back there?

Red: *Glares*
Snow: What?  

Granny: Have you ever seen a wild animal just turn its back and walk away like you don’t even matter?

Marvin: I don’t know Granny, have you ever met a cat?

Granny: *Is annoyed*

Granny: Well see the proof for yourselves.

Red: Like….I never noticed that before!

Snow: You never told me that your grandmother was freakin’ awesome!

Red: Yes well she wanted me to go to SWAT/Elite Con/Escape Artist University so that I could at least attempt to learn things that come totally naturally for her but I’ve been so busy having sleepovers and playing beer pong that I have been sort of a disappointment….

Granny: I hope they’re aware that I can hear everything they’re saying.
*It’s nice to know that Granny spends her days freaking out the villagers and then goes home to a nice time of knitting*

*Fanfic writers rush to their computers*

Snow: So, I saw little hearts appearing above you and Peter’s heads when you saw each other.

Red: OMGZ, you noticed! I thought we were being discreet!

Snow: Well not really. Earlier today while you were hyperventilating over those bodies you found, I caught Granny trying to burn the love letters that Peter wrote you. She let me read some and let me tell you, we had a good laugh.

Red: *Giggles* He IS rather goofy, I’m so glad I’m not like that.

Snow: *Is trying to be nice* Uh-huh.

Red: Oh, we’re going to run away together because Granny keeps us apart after Peter cried during “Balto” She said he wasn’t a real man.

Snow: Everyone that remembers there was a movie called “Balto” cries at “Balto”

Red: Frosty, it was last week.

Snow: Oh…

Red: You know what…I think I feel an Old Yeller moment coming on and we should be the ones standing at the right end of the gun.

Snow: Did you just forget about all those bodies we found…I think this morning?

Red: Well it’ll be two of us not five! And remember Frosty, amateurs built Noah’s ark…professionals built the Titanic.

Snow: I don’t think that’s exactly the same thing as this….

Red: I can show Granny that my college education has paid off! You come with me to hold my equipment and the camera as the village watches me get a new fur!

Snow: What am I getting myself into?

Red: The best road trip ever.

Snow: That’s not exactly my opinion on the subject…

Snow: Hey wait! I never said ‘yes!”

Mary: Nothing like an adorable walk in the woods with my adorable ‘shouldn’t be out in this weather’ parasol for my rain picnic!

Mary: Maybe now that I’m out here, I can find that last ball that we lost in Regina’s annual game of “Mary Margaret’s the Only Member on her Dodgeball Team and Everyone Throw Balls at her until she Stops Moving.” Maybe I should stop signing up for that….

David: *Is running* Please don’t hurt me! I’m sorry I stepped in three of your bear traps! I didn’t stop to read the signs that said “Bear Trap Here”

Mary: David! You Came! *Squees* Oh wait, I just totally forgot that we were broken up


Mary: Are you coming to search for the possible skeletal remains of your tramp wife too? Why do you think there hasn’t been a search party yet? These woods are pretty big. Oh…Emma also thinks your innocent…but I’m not sure because I think I heard her stifle a laugh…


Mary: You can’t be David! This version of you is WAY too likable!


*Is slapped*

David: …..

Mary: Well that wasn’t the oddest thing I’ve seen today.

Snow: Hey! What’s that?
Red: That’s just another human leg, Frosty. Get with it!

Snow: *Is having more fun than she’d care to admit* Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Snow: What’s that?
Red: That’s squirrel tracks….you’re horrible at this, Bestie. How did you survive for so long?

Snow: Well…because I don’t go searching out friendly woodland animals…they come to me and I end up having them for dinner….

Snow:  Nah! That can’t be it.
Red: Actually Frosty the Bestie, I’d give a marriage certificate to Rumpelstiltskin on a bet that it totally is…

Red: That’s a pretty far stride…my hamstrings hurt just to think about it…

Red: come to think of it my hamstrings have been hurting a lot lately….

Red: Bestie, you go first. Your bright white outfit will be perfect camouflage

Red: *Shoves*
*If Red ‘repels’ wolves like Red believes and Granny is pretending, then why does no one care that Snow isn’t wearing red?*

Ruby: The ONE day off I’ve ever had in my entire life and it’s spent babysitting you. Joy.

Henry: And so this August chap things that he can jump out of bushes and seduce my mother and it’s not going to work because I’m hiring you to seduce him instead. And should you succeed then when my mom marries Mr. Gold I shall reward you handsomely…after he dies and I get my inheritance.

Henry: Solid plan.

Ruby: Or maybe Emma could just marry whomever she wished.

Henry: Don’t be ridiculous, Ruby. Regina has the freedom to marry whomever she wished and look how I have turned out because of it. I think it’s time I choose for my new mom and I know I’ll pick Mr. Gold once Regina’s next to Kathryn in a shallow grave…I mean…driven out of this town for good.


Ruby: Why do the phones keep doing that?

Henry: They’re phones. It’s what they do. Emma claims that it sends it to a system when she’s too busy but I think she only uses it that system so she doesn’t have to talk to anyone.

Ruby: Hello, Sheriff’s Station?
Henry: The phones rang more in this scene then they have in this entire series. Someone must’ve found the mass grave I dug.

Ruby: Don’t worry Ms. GINGER the DOG in your yard is just Pongo. I’m not even going to grant this a *SUBTLETY* Moment because it doesn’t deserve it.

Ruby: And don’t leave your house because Archie’s probably been dared by Mr. Gold to do that because Mr. Gold told him that’s how to get a date.

Emma: Um…what is she doing in my office? Seriously it’s bad enough that she and Mary giggled all night and then Mary sat on my chest to hold me down while Ruby gave me a pedicure…but THIS crosses the line.

Emma: You’re not letting Henry put false charges against his mother into the computer files, are you?

He SAID he was helping me find a job….

Emma: Okay let’s just get this done because you snored like a sailor last night and the faster I get you out of my apartment the better. What can you do?

Ruby: I can…answer calls…organize files…type some.

Emma: Perfect. You’re Mr. Gold’s new secretary. See you, Ruby!

Ruby: Or I could work here. I love this snuggly environment

Emma: *Is kicking herself* Great! You can babysit Henry!

Emma: Okay that was sarcasm….just…go get me something to eat.

Henry: I’ll take three pies, four hot dogs, eight deals of curly fries and eight cokes if you please.

Emma: He got that from me.

Ruby: Hey guess what? We’re all gonna be working together AND be roommates!

Emma: Crap. I didn’t think about that.

Mary: Bestie, guess what? David is in trouble! He has way more personality for some reason.

Emma: *Is terrified*

Henry: I’ll get the tranquilizer gun ready.

Red: Frosty the Bestie, was a jolly happy soul…With blood red lips and night black hair and two sweater less eggs that were cold!
Snow: In all that is holy for whatever it is that we worship, STOP.

Red: We better start heading home soon…if I’m gone for too long then Granny will call in her old buddies from the time she served as “Ninja of the Realm” to come looking for me. It’s never a pretty sight to see old people jumping from a helicopter.


Red: Like…how come that one looks like a boot print? Wolves don’t wear boots!

Snow: Well this one does.

Snow: Red, What kind of a monster is this *Actual Dialogue*
Red: Like…how would I know? Why are you asking me?!

Red: You know bestie…I think maybe I should’ve borrowed Granny’s crossbow for this. She wouldn’t have noticed until tonight when Rumpelstiltskin was circling the house.

Snow: How did those two meet anyway?
Red: I know no idea Frosty, I asked her and she shuddered and her hair turned white right before my eyes and she said something about how she had hit on him and then when she put her glasses on after cleaning them, she realized who he was and he was so enchanted by her horror that he hasn’t stopped hitting on her since.

Snow: It leads right to the cabin!
Red: Like…..how come no one’s ever noticed the footprints before?

Red: OMGZ! I think Peter might be the wolf! *Starts sobbing*
Snow: If Peter was the wolf then how come there are no tracks leading AWAY from the window?


Red: *Blubbers*

Snow: I’m serious! Answer me!

Red: He- He- He never hunts with the others! He claims it’s because he’s allergic to wolf fur. But he’s allergic to everything, Bestie. He always sneezes when I’m around!

Snow: Well the only solution is to tell him about it so that he doesn’t destroy everyone tonight like he seems to have been doing and then sit with him until he transforms.

Red: It wouldn’t be too big of a loss, I hate everyone that’s hunting tonight anyway…Isn’t it kind of stupid to go hunting tonight? I mean we’ve already SEEN what that thing can do. I have pictures of their bodies on my Facebook! 

Snow: But you can stop him! Somehow…..

Red: *Is half-hearted* Yay?  

Red: It’s going to be dark soon and Granny’s going to come out looking for us even though she could just…see us talking right here. IF she comes out looking for us then she might have a chance to bag the wolf and that CAN’T happen. I want to do it myself!

Snow: *Rolls eyes*

*Does Ruby have a scuba diving class after this? Those pants don’t go with the rest of her ensemble at ALL.* 

Ruby: Crap. I never realized the place that I would be heading to was the diner!

*This is Granny’s definition of a booming business?*

Ruby: Might as well call me Sheriff…..Ruby. What is our last name anyway?

Granny: Who are you?

Ruby: It’s me Granny! It’s Ruby.

Ruby: Guess you didn’t recognize me with my brimming self confidence, huh?

Granny: No, I didn’t recognize you because you were actually wearing clothes.

Ruby: Well that doesn’t matter, I Have a job now that in no way was caused by me being in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. I answer telephones!

Granny: Oh, they’ll make a TLC reality show out of that in a heartbeat.

Ruby: Also I’m living with Mary Margaret and Emma.

Ruby: We’re all besties now.

Granny: Are you sure it’s not just pity bestieing like everyone else around here does to you?

Ruby: I-I-I-

Granny: Owned. Hey, did I get you to pay for that?

Red: So long story short Peter, while I know you’re not conscious for this…at least I’m HOPING. IT’s just your manbeast side coming out of you! In other words while I don’t think it’s you, I think it’s you.

Peter: I was waking up completely naked in the woods. But I thought that was just me getting wasted….

Red: Well that was easier than I Thought to convince you! And you’re…surprisingly okay with this revelation….

Peter: Well it would certainly explain my excess body hair too.

Red: Like…ew!

Red: The only solution is to tie you up and I’ll sit here with you and no one will know where we are except the person that I’ve known for less than twelve hours! It’s risky because I don’t even know how strong you are but this is what love is willing to sacrifice for!

Peter: Or we could use these chains….
Red: Like…why do you have chains for?
Peter: I-I Uh……no reason?

Red: I never thought that one day I’d give birth to puppies one day!

*Hey, where did all the snow in her hair go? It certainly wasn’t melting off!*

Red: Well, this certainly has no chance of going badly right?

Peter: Dangit Red! Now you just jinxed it!

Henry: You know Emma, I just remembered that my mom doesn’t want us hanging out and she could get a restraining order if we violated that.

Emma: The writers are hoping that everything in that episode was forgotten about. Now it’s time you go home Henry. I need to make sure David hasn’t walked off a cliff yet.

Emma: Oh Henry, that can easily be opened with a good smack against the side.

Henry: You know, we could always just…find a copy machine and print backups.

Emma: *Laughs*

Emma: Hey why don’t we do that?

Henry: And didn’t I say that I didn’t want to leave the book in your care because Regina might find it? Also we have to help Ruby because she’s Red Riding Hood…I really hope you figured that out by now Emma.

Emma: FINALLY! What, did you walk there?

Emma: We really need to talk to Granny about getting a drive through. Now hold that soda up so I can drink out of it.

Emma: *Drinks* Ah, that was good.

Emma: *Pulls Ruby’s drink away before she can take a sip* Time to go Ruby, we need to see if we can find David before he implicates himself! I mean hurts himself.

Ruby: I’m sorry what? But I can’t DO anything! Did I Leave that out of the resume that I also have esteem issues that haven’t shown up before or after this episode? I can’t even answer the phones right! Like when I was answering the phone before Ms. Ginger…someone was on the other end of the line that wanted you to return….I FORGOT about him. I’ll bet he’s still waiting at the other end.

Emma: You spill anything in the car and you ride in the trunk.

Ruby: I think I should tell you that just randomly walking around in these MASSIVE woods are never a good idea when it’s just the two of us who are actually searching for the whereabouts of two people.

Emma: I’m not randomly walking around! I’m following his boot prints!
Ruby: How do you know they’re even his?! EVERYONE with less than savory business goes tromping through these woods!

Ruby: I just had a epiphany!
Emma: How about you turn on the brake lights?

Ruby: Shhh! I can hear him…sobbing in terror! I think he’s about to get eaten by bears…he’s also wearing brown boots and new jeans. He’s also considering ordering out tonight because he can’t cook….
Emma: How on earth did you get all that?

Ruby: I think I can smell his cologne too!

Emma: Well heck, so can I.

*So they couldn’t find someone that was a few yards away?*
David: Zzzzzzzzz

Emma: Its okay, I got this.

*Grabs him by lapels, lifts up his upper body, and lets him go*

David: Hey! That hurt!

David: Oh, it’s you guys. The last time this happened it was Mr. Gold and he was trying to bury me in branches and leaves and rocks.

Emma: What are you doing?
David: I was walking…um…I got tired…um…and I laid down and went to sleep.

David: Also I’ve been having blackouts which…don’t exactly give my story any credit, does it?

Emma: Not in the slightest. Not at all.

Ruby: I wish I’d come to work for you when nothing was going on.

David: Will someone kiss my booboo?

David: ……

Dr. Whale: It’s so nice to know that someone finally found his mute button.

Emma: He’s got a cut on his head…

Dr. Whale: I doubt any damage to his skull will hurt anything. There has to be something up there to hurt first.

David: Hey! That’s not your professional opinion!

Dr. Whale: I know he appears to be fully functional during these blackouts but apparently it happens to coma patients all the time when they’re supposed wives happen to disappear. It’s COMPLETELY normal….now granted I don’t know this from experience because how many coma patients would we even have? But I did NOT run to check on Google when I told you I was going to go put in for the tests.

Emma: Well looks like you’re guilty of the disappearance alright.

Dr. Whale: Should I get the restraints that malfunction and give electrical shocks?

Dr. Whale: Oh, the shocks aren’t THAT bad.

Dr. Whale: You just flail around a little bit.

Dr. Whale: It’s far funnier than what it sounds.

David: I guess I could’ve made that phone call…*Actual Dialogue* it would explain why it didn’t seem like I was lying. I wouldn’t know.

Emma: David, I’m not even going to touch the latter part of that statement but I’m going to let you know that I’m laughing SO HARD right now.

Regina: Why are you giving the third degree to this poor child?

Emma: Whoa! Where did you come from?

Regina: Poor David, he’ll be so much happier now that the good cop is here!

Dr. Whale: Yeah sorry, next time you want to tell me who his emergency contact is…don’t say Henry.

Emma: Heh…um…slip of the tongue?

David: I totally forgot to get that changed. Hey wait…Kathryn is my emergency contact! Call her!

Regina: *Is annoyed*

Emma: See what I have to put up with?

Regina: Stop trying to place the blame and find Cryst- Kathryn!  

Emma: Um…by finding someone to blame for it, I AM finding Kathryn. You know...finding the culprit? I know you wouldn't understand these things. They're too complicated for you.

David: I agree with Regina. Get movin’ woman!

Dr. Whale: Watching this is actually much more exciting than actually doing my job.

Ruby: Hi Mr. Gold, Emma isn’t here right now just like she hasn’t been every fifteen minutes that you call claiming there’s something Emma needs to inspect in your bedroom. I think I might know what you’re trying to do.

Emma: Huh?

Ruby: I um…nothing. Just bearing the burden of your odd relationship with certain rich guys in this town, a relationship that is the envy of every woman in this town here. Has he tried bribing you yet?

Emma: I was wondering why everyone female was glaring at me. I figured it was because I was saner than them. Okay, I need you to go to Troll Bridge since David seems to be drawn to that like a dog to a fire hydrant. Being my new assistant means that I get to shove all this off on you.

Ruby: But I’m in my jammies, can’t Pongo do it or something?

Emma: Why are you suddenly not wanting to work, you seemed so excited until I actually made you do things! You did great in the woods today; I still don’t know how you did that!

Ruby: I used my ears. Just like most people.

Emma: *Is annoyed* Don’t sass me. Get my bug and head out to troll bridge. I’ll drop my keys off before I go prop my feet up in front of a fire and drink cocoa.

Ruby: No need, I learned how to hotwire from Henry.

Emma: Great! Wait, what?

Ruby: How do you drive in this thing? I think my feet were pulled up to my chest!

Emma: Not all of us are tall, beanpole. Why can’t you drive YOUR car?

Ruby: And…what exactly is it that I’m looking for?
Emma: Something out of the ordinary…I’m guessing. Shouldn’t I be there since I’m the professional?

Ruby: Well, this board is something, and it’s most certainly out of the ordinary!

Ruby: Oh, Emma, the only thing under here is dirt. I give up.

*Is digging*

Ruby: I found a box Emma! Is that a clue that something is out of the ordinary?

Emma: *Is sarcastic* Of course not Ruby, just throw it in the river along with the rest of the strange boxes that are a few inches in the dirt even though they could easily be thrown in the water in what’s an obvious set up.

Ruby: Um…shouldn’t I preserve evidence and just…bring it to you?
Emma: No, the best solution is to open it there amongst the elements.

Ruby: Well…as long as you promise there won’t be any sort of body parts in here that should smell of decomposition right about now. Just like all the other boxes I find along this river

Ruby: AIIIEEEEEE, I hate it when I’m right!

Ruby: *Hyperventilates* *Sobs in terror* *Curls in a fetal position on the ground*

Emma: Ruby? Are you okay? You’re not being violently murdered are you? Scream once for yes and twice for no!

Snow: I can’t believe that Red thinks this plan is going to work.

Granny: Why is there only one of you? Frosty the Moronic Name isn’t hiding under the bed and waiting to grab my ankles again, is she? What is with her hair anyway? And what’s with this fake story that she’s on the run from her evil stepmother? Yeah, as if we haven’t heard THAT one a million times before!

Snow: *Grumbles*

Granny: What’s wrong with you, get up, I need you to get the coyote I killed from the taxidermy shop before it gets too dark.

Snow: *Is playing dead*

Granny: You don’t look like Ruby!

Snow: Surprise! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!

Snow: Red’s with the wo-olf, I’m her replacement!

Snow: *Pretends to blow out candles*

Granny: She’s WHERE?!

Snow: Well we figured that since her boyfriend’s the wolf, the safest place she’ll be is with him…theoretically. I really hope that he’s not one of those guys that pretends to be perfect but is only after one thing or else this is going to be all sorts of awkward.

Granny: She’s the wolf you idiot. No wonder Red could relate to you

Snow: Oh…

Snow: Well, this next part is gonna sound really awkward…

Peter: No! Bad dog! Bad dog! Heel!

Red: Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits, gonna get me some kibbles and bits…

*If this had been the fate of that annoying kid in Old Yeller then I would’ve enjoyed that movie more*

Ruby: Thanks for coming to find me and then carrying me up from the bridge.
Emma: You freaks always act like you’ve never seen a human heart before.

Ruby: Most people HAVEN’T seen a heart before….how come they don’t look like the ones that I draw on my little “i”s?

Emma: And I have a feeling that my chance of doing nothing because I hand it off to my assistant is going, going, gone.

Emma: Hey, it’s just the possible heart of the adulterer’s innocent wife. Get over it.

Emma: Listen to me, don’t you dare quit on me now! I’ll even take a pay cut if that means that I don’t have to sit here late at night all alone with people like Regina and Mr. Gold waiting just outside for me. Now granted that hasn’t happened yet…and since you’re like repellant to Mr. Gold because you’re so obvious in your admiration of him, then I think it’s high time I tolerate someone besides Henry and Mary and keep you around.

Ruby: I quit.

Emma: Did you NOT just hear what I just said?

Ruby: Well kicking backside and taking names SOUNDS like fun but I really don’t want to find human hearts for a living or be Mr. Gold repellant…that latter part is kinda the opposite of what I want.  

Ruby: Maybe this will get him to notice me.

Emma: Taking Henry and running away from town sounds better and better every day.

Snow: What do you mean you knew this whole time?
Granny: Meh, I didn’t want to burden her with the knowledge that she was a werewolf. I guess she’ll just have to deal with the fact that she’s a murderer instead. That’s SO Much better.

Snow: *Rolls eyes* How did this even come about?

Granny: Well, after I was bit, I was officially marked and the wolf stopped by later and turned me…I guess we were…mated? Was I raped? Why didn’t we move after I watched the brutal murder of my dad and brothers?

Snow: Why is the very first family I found willing to take me in by far the most dysfunctional one?

Granny: Why did I even bring you along? Your sickly sweet smell is almost blocking out Red’s. I can still track people by smell by the way. Most of the ability passes with age and that combined with the fact that this comes once a month….I’m not even going to give the parallels to the menstrual cycle theory any credit.

Granny: I was a fool to let her continue believing this little farce.

Snow: You THINK, Granny? You really think?

Snow: How come you never thought to tie her up or something?
Granny: I don’t know, I was just kind of hoping that they would just let her continue killing sheep which I imagine is one of the sources of income for our village. The selfish jerks.

Granny: You’re on my side right.
Snow: Heck yeah I’m following you; I left my silver tipped arrows at home!

Snow: Oh my highway to heaven, she’s actually eating him.

Granny: Keep quiet back there, I’ve never hit Red right between the eyes.

Granny: I wonder how far back she’ll fly this time.

Snow: Hold on, I’m putting the lantern next to some heavily wooded trees. I’m almost certain that’ll end well.

*Snow Fails*

Granny: *Shoots wolf* Alright, bring out the hood!
Snow: But it’s nice and warm!
Granny: Be warned Frosty, I got plenty of arrows and you will NEVER see your future husband in leather pants.

Snow: Take it! Take it!

*I hope everyone is aware of the epic failing that was that night’s rescue attempt.*

Snow: I’m not cleaning that up.

Red: How come I never wondered why I wake up disoriented?

Granny: Get ready to run! But first get ready to stand around and talk about what just happened for five minutes.

Red: Like, where my BF? And I’m not talking about my BFF Frosty, because that’s TOTALLY you!

Snow: Say ‘hi’ to your boyfriend

Red: Whoa! He lost some weight!

Snow: And to add to the horror that he’s dead…you sort of killed him. Sorry about that. I guess either way the idea that you’ll be safe as long as the werewolf is your loved one was a total failure. My Bad.

Red: You two suck!

Snow: I feel like I wanna hurl!

Granny: Not on me you better not!

Red: *Faints*

Granny: Oh…great.

Snow: I should’ve brought my cloak! It's 20 below out there!

Granny: Run! I’ll hold all of them off with my ninja skills!  

Ruby: Yes, I know. I’m wearing clothes for two days in a row, it’s a record. Blah blah blah. You could stand on the bar and do your stand-up routine and bring in everyone with how much of a failure I am. There, it’s out of my system.

Granny: Here to beg for your job back? You seemed really mad the last two times we met up.

Ruby: Well, get new spectacles granny because I was TOTALLY in the best mood when I quit.

Ruby: *Plays drums* Sooo, did you miss me?

Granny: I rented out your room to August and I gave your job to an extra.

Ruby: SO you did miss me?

Granny: Only a little bit.

Ruby: In a clumsy metaphor, Emma was my lemur…as was this case. And apparently I skinned that latter lemur, turned it into a fur, danced around and realized that it wasn’t as fun as what I imagined….so I’m crawling back to you.

Granny: Well I’m just letting you know that if you hadn’t gone on a Mary Margaret spazzout on me then you would’ve known that I was trying to teach you to take some responsibility and learn how to run this place.

Ruby: And I thought it was going to go to Archie if you two ever got married…

Ruby: Well it could happen!

Ruby: Also I found a missing person and the remains of a missing person all in one day. I’m all adventured out. You would’ve been proud of me, Granny. I handed it like a pro!

Granny: I could hear your screams from here, Ruby.

Ruby: Oh….

Ruby: Can I have my job back, yet?

Granny: Well as long as you want to be in a place you love.

Ruby: Well I do, but since Hawaii is out of the question then I suppose I’ll have to stay here.

Granny: I suppose we could do a trial run-


Granny: Yes Ruby. I know.

David: I don’t know how to explain these convenient blackouts!

Mary: I’m sure the blackouts that haven’t been brought up since episodes 16-20 will be okay! Maybe you’re so useless that your body is going into autopilot!

David: I don’t think that’s your professional opinion!

Mary: My fuzzy sweater and I think it’s a likely theory!

David: This is my American football position.

Emma: Hey guys, I found a box!

Mary: *Dramatic Prairie Dog*

David: What does that mean?

Emma: IT means…I found a box. DUH!

David: I don’t think I like your tone young lady!
Mary: You better listen to David!

Emma: *Is ignoring them* There was a heart inside.

David: Like for Valentine’s Day?

Mary: *Flails arms* Yay, Valentine’s Day.

Emma: No, like a real heart.

Mary: Ew.

David: Oh heavens to Betsy I will never be clean again! I used to sleep next to that heart! It doesn’t sound as gross because it was in the wife that I separated from but I still used to sleep and eat next to that heart! I warmed that heart and broke that heart too! That heart and I have some fond memories!

Mary: I think it’ll be best if you just give him a few.

Emma: Yeah, there’s the awkward thing…it wasn’t your fingerprints I found on there, it was Mary Margaret’s.

David: You mean I’m being fondled by a murderess?

Emma: Yeah, pretty much.

Mary: I regret being completely psycho to her now.

David: I officially hate you now.

Mary: Whhhaaattt?

The End

I own nothing.

Special thanks to Ravenclaw for helping to invent the Frosty the Bestie tune.

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