Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 105 - That Still Small Voice

Audience member 1: Oh my heavens, what is THAT?!

Audience member 2: You call this entertainment?

Child: Mommy: The puppet is scary!

Audience member 3: My baby is crying!

Evil Puppet: I…am a princess.

Audience Member 4: You’re a demon is more like it!

Audience Member 5: You can see the evil on its little painted face!

Audience Member 6: I think it blinked!

Jiminy: Ugh, the whole audience is modern. Great.

Audience Member 3: It brought backup!

Audience Member 6: Kill them all!

Audience member 5: Burn it to the ground!

Jiminy: “Child’s Play” was HORRIBLE for business.

Dragon: Rawr and stuff.

Audience Ensemble: Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!

Jiminy: I think it’s about time we rethink our carnival strategy.

Jiminy: Nice Devil horns mom.

Jiminy’s Mom: They’re the newest fashion style. All the women in the “Doom and Gloom Carnival” are wearing them.

Jiminy’s Dad: Son, this is a CHOCOLATE coin, how many times do I have to teach you the difference?

Jiminy’s Mom: Ooo, gimme.

Jiminy: Oh, I just LOVE CGI crickets. How did I not notice what this was when I was picking pockets?

Jiminy: Anyway, I want to be free just like this CGI cricket in a…in a cage. But that doesn’t matter! I’m establishing an important point in my character.

Jiminy’s Dad: Crickets are only good for fishing bait.

Jiminy: But…they’re inspirational.

Jiminy’s mother: No son, flugelhorn players are inspirational. Crickets are easily stepped on. Hm…maybe that’s why you identify with them.

Jiminy’s father: Listen to your mother. If you want to be happy in life then your wife should always be right.

Jiminy’s Dad: So just put your hopes for freedom out of your mind.

Jiminy: Yeah except I can see its guts all over your hand.

Archie: Dear Diary, today Mr. Gold told me that we couldn’t go see any more romantic comedies because I always cry and don’t bring a hankie. I think he’s going to get me back my making me build boats all winter. I could see him making a list of something in the theatre. Now I know what you’re thinking diary. Why would you go see a romcom with Mr. Gold? Well it’s because Emma and I have been casually dating for a while now but I still can’t get her to go to a movie with me. Maybe she knows about the bet Mr. Gold and I set on who could take her to the movies first. I’ll bet he told her! I’ll bet he made it sound like MY idea!

Archie: I stopped talking an hour ago.

Archie: Oh! Uh….You’re words filled me with SO much information.

Archie: I’ll just put this over here.

Henry: How does saying that I want to be like Mr. Gold gives you half a book worth of material to write about?

Archie: Oh Henry, we could write books just based on that sentence.

Henry: I don’t like the insinuation of that.

Archie: Trust me Henry, the last thing this world needs is another Mr. Gold. I’m best friends with one; I don’t think I could be best friends with two.

*Henry!Glare*

Archie: Uh...uh…but since it’s you….maybe I could make an exception.

Henry: You know why you’re friends? Because the abridged curse made it so.

Archie: Oh yes…I forgot that you believe we’re all abridged characters based on fairy tale characters doomed by an evil curse and we’re all trapped by some college students demented imagination for whenever she gets bored.

Henry: We’re totally abridged characters! It makes sense! The real characters don’t parody themselves whereas we all insist upon it.

Archie: Why is this so important to you Henry?

Henry: Because the more people find out about this series then the faster our creator will be happy with us and maybe we all won’t be lonely or crazy anymore.

Archie: That makes sense, if it were real but I’m convinced that I’m the real Archibald Wilhelm Hopper.

Archie: The fourth!

Henry: Abridged! Archibald Wilhelm Hopper the IV.

Archie:...

Archie: JUDITH! CLEAR MY SCHEDULE FOR ANOTHER HOUR!

Archie: We have a lot more talking to do.

Henry: Mmm, many have tried to break my imagination. None have succeeded.

Archie: We. Shall. See.

Emma: Absolutely positively without a doubt my answer is no.

Archie: I knew you’d like it.

Emma: I’m going to like shoving it down your throat if that’s what you mean. And I’m POSITIVE it is.

Graham: Well at LEAST wear the badge. It’s got a tree on it. You can say you’re going green.

Emma: If I must. I have a feeling if I don’t half the men in this town will offer to support me.

*Earthquake*

Graham: Ugh, did Leroy get drunk and drive my sheriff’s car into the side of the building again?!?!?!

Graham He’s not IN the car.

*Phones start ringing*

Emma: How many people have the sheriff’s office on speed dial?

Regina: Who on earth allowed more than four people to gather in this town WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION FIRST?!

Marco: I know I’m the only handyman in this town but this TOTALLY isn’t my fault!

Graham: Coordinating the area is fun!

Emma: Shooting at people that go over the hill is NOT my idea of a good time.

Graham: Just exercising my constitutional right.

Regina: Nice job Ms. Swan, you gonna flirt with Gold, Hopper, Graham, Marco, Billie the Mechanic, Leroy, and every other man here? Or are you going to stand back and let us do our job?

Emma: I don’t get leered at while I’m on the clock.

Regina: Yousaidwhat?!?!

Graham: I…liked the town

Regina: Considering the look on your face I’m going to assume that’s an in-joke between the two of you that I don’t even want to KNOW about in fear of having nightmares for the rest of my life.

Regina: We talked about not seeing other people!

Emma: What are you guys talking about?

Graham: Absolutely nothing that you should worry your future love interest’s head about.

Regina: REAL smooth.

Graham: I just need to get back into practice is all.

Archie: I never get here in time to get the good standing room.

Henry: Hey Archie, can I ride on your shoulders?

Regina: I know that people are worried about suddenly falling through these mineshafts and breaking bones in various painful places.

Regina: But I assure you that if you vote for me when the term is up in….’never gonna happen’ time. I WILL twist the ground’s arm behind its back and keep all of us from falling into mineshafts. We’ll have a playground!

Extras: We’re only on here for one episode, we don’t care.

Henry: You can’t cover it up! Something that proves my abridged theory might be on there!

Regina: Will you go blend in with the crowd and let me forget I adopted you for once?!

Regina: I want to assure you that as a loving parent just like all of you, I worry about the safety of our children around here as well! Now go home so we don’t have to worry about you finding anything…I mean…hurting yourselves!

Regina: And just how exactly did this shard get all the way up here?

*Innocent whistling.*

Henry: Hey mom, what was that big shard thing you stuck in your pocket?!

Emma: Go HOME Henry!

Regina: Go HOME Henry!

Regina: Are you going to sit there staring at my son who is in no way yours since you gave him up? Or are you going to block off the area?!

Emma: This is why you hired me as your deputy isn’t it?

Graham: Well…I uh…*Whistles innocently*

Henry: Disobedience!

Archie: Emma, your son looks like he’s going to dash into the mine. Might want to stop that. The town might frown on me full body tacking him.

Emma: I wonder if Graham would object to me just tying him down with this tape.

Henry: Uh-Oh.

Henry: Crap I’m cornered!

Emma: This is an intervention for your blatant plot exposition

Archie: It’s time Henry, your attempt to fill in everyone on the plot has gotten out of control.

Henry: …..Archie wants to break me mentally!

Archie: I-I-I-I most certainly do not! I just want to teach him the difference between reality and fiction!

Archie: Don’t tell her that!

Henry: If you want to be my second pick for step-dad then you will do what I say. I have a lot of pull when it comes to Emma.

Emma: Don’t tell him that, you do not.

Henry: Well then I should just go ahead and tell you about their bet.

Emma: What bet?

Henry: The bet that will be revealed unless you two do everything I say about our operation of doom

Regina: What part of anything I ever tell you don’t you understand? Go HOME Henry.

Emma: Wait…I’m not…

Emma: Archie! What bet?!

Regina: There was a bet? Who put in for a bet WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION FIRST?!

Archie: Oh you know Henry…having a hard time discerning reality from fantasy. I imagine this is just one of his things. Say Regina, you want to talk? I think we might need to talk about adding more therapy time

Regina: Not the way it’s going now.

Archie: I don’t know what you’re talking about; we’ve been making great progress!

Regina: Oh REALLY?! In the pilot he thought that we were fairy tale creatures in reality and now in episode five he believes we’re in an abridged series about fairy tale characters in reality . I’d say that’s FAR from progress.

Archie: or you can write it off that he’s learning to laugh at himself…

Regina: What does that even mean?!

Regina: Change your tactics. Or I will fire you.

Archie: But I’m self-employed!

Regina: And I would run you out of town and I will take your house and your business!

Archie: But…Mr. Gold owns those and we’re buddies!

*Is struggling not to hit him with the umbrella*

Regina: Just change your tactics or I swear I will

Regina: *Glares*

Regina: And then I will

Regina: *Glares*

Regina: So you just think about THAT!

*Stomps off*

Archie: What did I just agree to?

Jiminy: Oh how great it is to live in my completely moral-less existence.

*Are plotting*

Jiminy: I’m thinking about going out and buying a conscience.

*Are annoyed*

Jiminy’s Dad: For heaven’s sake son, you work at a carnival! Where on earth did you learn about this thing called integrity?

Jiminy: But I just wanna be normal!

*Are shocked*

Jiminy’s dad: Son! You work in a carnival! You’re living every kid’s dream!

Jiminy’s Mom: Most adults too.

Jiminy’s dad: Ungrateful

Jiminy’s Mom: Just ungrateful

Jiminy: Isn’t that the circus?

Jiminy’s Dad: Close enough.

Jiminy: I feel like harpooning me some whales today.

Gepetto: HI!

Jiminy: Oh no, I HATE Chekov’s children!

Gepetto: I’m here to watch you set up.

Jiminy: No, you’re here to make sure people are emotionally invested in you when my family ruins your life.

Gepetto: Also I have a rocking umbrella.

Jiminy: I’m sure that umbrella won’t link us all as characters!

Gepetto: You can have it if you want!

Jiminy: I have one of those head umbrella’s in the back, I just don’t want to look silly.

Gepetto: No, I need to further our bond so that it’ll be further shattered later in the episode.

Marco: Hey, what happened? We were going to have salsa lessons last night!

Jiminy: Oh! Yeah….I had to go have myself a nice little cry after Regina verbally disemboweled me last night.

Marco: You were crying at Mr. Gold’s house weren’t you?

Marco: No, it’s okay. I understand. You’d pass up the chance to meet salsa girls for crying on Mr. Gold’s shoulder.

Henry: I would!

Marco: Oh Henry, I hope this is one of the many things you should outgrow as soon as possible.

Henry: So, let’s get to work now shall we?

Henry: DO your worst!

Henry: Want a candy bar? My mother doesn’t believe that I eat candy as she says in the Hansel and Gretl episode. That either makes this a plot hole or she hasn’t found my secret stash yet. We’ll need it for our operation of doom.

Archie: Okay kiddo, we need to talk.

Archie: There is absolutely no abridging going on in this universe and we’re certainly not fairy tale creatures suspending in time in reality.

Archie: Now don’t hit me like you did last time, okay?

*Henry!Glare*

Archie: I’m going to agree with both your mothers on this. You are insane. And you know what insane people do Henry? With delusions like yours? They turn into serial killers. And then you’re going to be locked up in a little padded room and go through unspeakable things! Like lobotomies and electroshock therapy. And...GROUP COUNCILING! Oh God, group counciling!

Archie: No one wants that for you Henry. Well…maybe Regina might. But no one else does!

Archie”: Because despite our differences you’re pretty okay.

*Ultimate Henry!Glare*

Henry: Well, you just did it.

Archie: There is just no WINNING with these people.

Mary: I’m totally lost, what is it exactly that you’re trying to spell?

David: Let me just add some letters here.

Mary: Oh! Mark Antony’s complete funeral speech! I can’t believe I nearly lost hangman on account of something so easy!

David: Well I had to admit that I was a little baffled as well but I understand. You’re completely speechless at my presence.

Mary: …Yeah.

David: Now if convincing my wife were that easy I’d have it made.

*Record scratch*

Kathryn: Hi guys!

David: Honey lumpkins!

Mary: I wasn’t flirting with your husband!

Kathryn: Oh, I know because you’re the epitome of purity and goodness and that would never happen.

Mary: No! Never.

Mary: *Is plotting*

Kathryn: This was our dog. That…we never speak of again after this episode.

David: Yeah he…just looks…like a dog.

*Is satisfied that it’s not working*

Mary: I think she knows that I like him. Every time I get him alone then she pops up, flashes her Joker smile, and I’m left in the cold again.

Emma: Yeah…his wife visiting him…what are the odds?

Mary: And she’s SO nice! It pisses me off!

Emma: What would be easier?

Mary: To shove some scissors in her face

Mary: Did I say that out loud?

Emma: Yeah, you did! I’m going to go get us some more chocolate and ice cream.

Henry: I need my mommy!

Emma: She’s not here. Oh wait you were talking about me.

Archie: It’s not fun drinking alone while your best friend is off shaking people down for loans.

Emma: What on earth were you thinking?!

Archie: Normally I’d clean up to impress you but I am SO drunk right now that I just don’t care.

Emma: I thought we agreed to handle this Henry thing with care! Your treatment of Henry is why we’re kinda dating in the first place!

Archie: Really? So we’re not just hanging out like Mr. Gold says we do? I mean…uh…I know I was probably a bit blunt with him but that’s no reason for him to start crying over it.

Emma: Yeah I kind of heard about the electroshock therapy threat. And let me you something, you’re not winning very many points with me either.

Emma: Hey Regina, I see you got Graham AND Archie on your payroll, who else are you going to emasculate this week?

Regina: Well I was going to take a break and crush some hopes for awhile but unfortunately Henry isn’t here. Do you think you could drop him off?

Emma: Well maybe you should actually look for once because I left him with you.

Regina: I’ve looked in all his usual hiding spots but he isn’t here.

Emma: Well you’re certainly getting better at this. He’s only been gone an hour this time.

Archie: Oh…crap.

Henry: Why is there no one watching this place?

*Pre-pubescent on a mission*

Rumpelstiltskin: Nice Friday night at home with no one to bother me….just like every other Friday in the past 100 years I’ve been stuck in this curse.

Jiminy: Hey….I rang your doorbell for about four hours before I just decided to come up.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah that doorbell’s been broken for awhile. It’s hilarious to watch the Evil Queen ring it for half the night before stomping off.

Jiminy: This is everything from the crime spree that we’ve masterminded. You know…since we’re together on this I didn’t think that I’d be doing all the heavy lifting in this odd little partnership that you and I have that I don’t think will ever be mentioned again.

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t want to get shot.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m the mastermind in this!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, here’s a gold thread for your trouble.

Jiminy: So is this…currency or…?

Rumpelstiltskin: I THINK you can sell it. Although I don’t know why someone would want to buy a random piece of gold thread. What would they do with it?

*Check out that killer bong to the back of Rumpelstiltskin. That would certainly explain a lot.*

Jiminy: Well, back to getting browbeat by my horrible excuse for parents. If only there was SOMEONE who could take care of that for me!

Rumpelstiltskin: What, were you saying something? I…I have to confess that I wasn’t paying attention.

Jiminy: Nothing, I was just talking about my horrible parents that…work for you or I work for while I also work for you…or…something.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well didn’t you come to the right place! I happen to be in that business! What are the odds?!

Jiminy: Yes! I mean…really? I had NO IDEA.

Rumpelstiltskin: Just mace them with this and you’ll be free!

Jiminy: That sounds painful but easy. And just for the record…what’s the price for that?

Rumpelstiltskin: You have to be my new best friend!

Jiminy: I’m not sure I want to trade one prison sentence for another!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m not going to force you to live here with me for the rest of your life with no other friends. What kind of a person would I be if I resorted to that?

Rumpelstiltskin: We just have to do manly things when I get bored like…building boats and playing “Call of Duty” among other things.

Jiminy: Bowling night?

Rumpelstiltskin: ESPECIALLY bowling night.

Rumpelstiltskin: There are fangirls!

Jiminy: Deal!

Rumpelstiltskin: Perfect! Let’s celebrate! I’m ordering pizza! "Call of Duty" nonstop marathon awaits!
Jiminy: *Cries*

Emma: How did you run all the way here?!

Archie: Chocolate bars. They’re good for you.

Emma: Don’t you dare go in there, Archie! I mean it!

Archie: I’m going in! *Hums Mission Impossible Theme*

Emma: *Stumbles* Ow! Curse my impractical jeans!

Archie: Should’ve probably thought to bring a flashlight…

Archie: What’s this sign? Possible flammable gasses? Oh my-

*Explodes.*

Henry: What was that?

Archie: Just a small explosion. I managed to outrun the fireball. Those chocolate bars are amazing Henry, what exactly is in them?

Henry: It’s all going according to plan! You threatened to break me mentally! You will pay!

Henry: MWAHAHAHAHAHA

Archie: Get back here Henry! Ugh, what a convenient time for those chocolate bars to wear off!

Jiminy: Maybe we should…rethink robbing these poor people.

Jiminy’s Mom: Why do we even bring you for these?

Jiminy’s Dad: Just take this sedative son, they’re good for you.

Jiminy’s Mom: And don’t question the fact that it happens to look like your vial that I found in your pocket while doing your laundry.

Jiminy: Aw, what a cute little vial.

Gepetto’s Dad: Oh no, census takers!

*Creepy*

Jiminy: Please adopt me!

Jiminy’s Mom: He’s such a sweet boy!

Jiminy: Mom, don’t make THAT face!

Jiminy: And I’ll clean your cobblestones, and sleep outside, and eat nothing but grass. I’ll even wear a Lederhosen and yodel for the rest of my life but PLEASE just adopt me.

Jiminy’s Dad: Honey, they look like they’re considering it.

Jiminy’s Mom: Easy, I can handle this.

Jiminy’s Mom: So, while passing through one of the town, we had a bit of a hard time steering around the bodies infested from the plague.

Gepetto’s Mom: Oh my heavens! How did we not hear about this?

Jiminy’s Dad: The government is trying to keep it under wraps for now. It’s a conspiracy. The Truth is Out There, I want to believe, and stuff.

Gepetto’s Dad: Wait a minute! You guys could be carriers!

Jiminy’s Dad: Exactly! Which is why we’re also selling a tonic to keep you from getting our germs!

Jiminy’s Mom: It’s a $4 value for $19.99!

Jiminy’s Dad: I’m so sorry, I can’t keep a straight face.

Jiminy: And my chance for adoption fades within every passing second.

Gepetto’s Mom: How much do you want?!

Jiminy’s Dad: So eager! Well, now that you ask….

Jiminy’s Mom: Hurry son! Before they buy a TV and realize they fell for the oldest trick in the book!

Jiminy: I’ll even tap dance while playing a harmonica on street corners for income!

Gepetto’s Dad: What are you? Like 40 years old?! Just start walking man, don’t look back!

Jiminy: And my hopes of escaping tonight are done.

Jiminy’s Dad: Well, we better get started before they realize they’ve been had.

Jiminy’s Mom: And the fastest they’ll figure it out is if we stand in their front yard talking about it just like we’re about to do.

Jiminy: Alright! I’ve had enough! Rumpelstiltskin is my new best friend!

Jiminy’s Mom: Son, what are you saying?

Jiminy: Eat mace!

Family: ........

Jiminy: Maybe I should’ve…asked what would happen when I hit you with this because I have no idea what’s supposed to happen.

Jiminy’s Dad: Just a nice little rainwater bath, you need to have Rumpie tell you that we’d be cleaner?

Jiminy: OH NO!

Jiminy’s Dad: We’re surprisingly okay with our son trying to figuratively kill us.

Jiminy: Hello…I think we left our keys in here!

Jiminy: Maybe there’s enough to still poison them.

Jiminy: OH MY HEAVENS WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Jiminy: The horror…

*If I have to suffer through looking at these things again then so do you*

Jiminy: The terror…

Jiminy: The agony!

Jiminy’s Dad: They’re so precious!

Jiminy’s Mom: Really? They look like kindling to me.

Jiminy’s Dad: I did think their acting was a little wooden!

Jiminy: This is horrible! I failed to kill both of you AND I have to be best friends with Rumpelstiltskin! My life is OVER!

Gepetto: Is our well five miles away?! What took me so long!?

Gepetto: Oh no, census takers

Jiminy: And now there’s a witness. Perfect.

Gepetto: What is that?! I wish I was blind!

Jiminy: So does half the audience

Archie: Henry, darn it! Where are you!?

Henry: I think if I can disconnect every joint in my body then I can get through!

Henry: You don’t know anything about how to do that do you?

Archie: Henry, we’re going to run out of air LONG before that happens!

Henry: But if I die then who will tell everyone the plot?!

Archie: That’s all you’re WORRIED about?!

Henry: Well, yeah!

*True hero of today’s show*

Marco: Maybe we should’ve driven a truck in front of it.

Emma: Henry probably would’ve started to dig if you’d done that.

Graham: Aw! Look at the puppy! Hi puppy! I love you!

Regina: Would you hurry up! I wore black today and that is NOT doing well with all the dust around here!

Emma: Yeah you know Henry’s down there right?

Regina: Well if you love him as much as you claim you do then why aren’t you digging through those rocks with your bare hands! That’s what a real biological mother would do! I would myself but like I said…black sweater…mayor…it just wouldn’t look good.

Regina: Ugh, Migraine.

Emma: Why do I suddenly feel bad for an argument that didn’t even make sense?

Emma: You know, Henry wouldn’t want us fighting while his oxygen levels run out.

Regina: It’s Henry you’re talking about Emma. As long as you won, he’d probably die with a smile on his face.

Emma: Oh yeah, that’s true.

Archie: Look at this flimsy little covering.

Henry: Shouldn’t we be headed towards the front of the mine?

Archie: With the way these clowns are going to try and get us out? Let’s just say that it’s best we move as far away as possible.

Archie: Into this elevator! Now that sounds safe!

Regina: *Is struggling to fake a decent cry* Just get him out. Archie really doesn’t matter to me just as long as Henry’s safe.

Emma: Maybe if I look stoic then she’ll actually force a tear and I’ll take a picture as proof that she can have emotions!

Marco: If we blow up the entrance it should work great.

Graham: My plaid tie and I are confused on how this is supposed to be a good idea.

Archie: I can hear them moving up there!

Archie: Alright Henry, get crankin’

Emma: Why are there so many people here?

Worker: Have you seen this town? Everyone takes time off and makes a day out of watching someone else change a flat tire.

Archie: We’re almost to the top Henry! I can see the light!

Regina: If he dies from the collapse of the mine in this inevitably stupid scheme at least Henry will know there were explosions. That ought to count for something.

*Explosions*

Archie: No Henry odn’t let go of the crank! We’re going to die!

Henry: AIIIIEEEEE!

Graham: What was that girly screaming?

Regina: I’m sure it was the wind whistling thorugh the trees.

*Coughing*

Regina: No!

*More coughing*

Regina: NO!

Emma: You think you guys could turn down the fog machine? I can’t see Archie and Henry’s potential body parts anywhere!

Regina: NOES.

Graham: I don’t get it. Did you find him or not?

Mary: Hey, I’m gathering up the hospital patients to go watch what’s going on at the mine. Wanna go?

David: Only if you can get someone to substitute so that you and I go together without interruption for everyone else!

Mary: David! And without your leech! I mean wife!

David: Heh. Yeah.

David: You’re going to have to drive though? I don’t remember how.

Mary: Or we could walk.

David: Yeah walking sounds good.

Mary: *Is in love*

David: Hey, guess what? I don’t love my wife

Mary: Well…I’m sure the amnesia might have SOMETHING to do with it.

David: No, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate her for the rest of our marriage.

Mary: Well you know what they say about first intuitions!

David: What do they say about first intuitions?

Mary: You know! About how they’re right and stuff! But I wouldn’t put much stock in them.

David: I believe it!

Mary: Yes! I mean…how tragic.

David: Let’s get together

Mary: Okay

David: And have twelve kids

Mary: Okay

David: And adopt Emma as our daughter!

Mary: Ok- wait, what?!

Kathryn: There you are! I almost put the hospital on lockdown because you were gone!

David: Honey! It’s amazing how you just…manage to pop up everywhere at the most inopportune times.

Kathryn: Would you like to go to the mine with me?

Kathryn: I packed us a picnic!

David: *Sigh* If I must!

*Struggling not to cry*

Mary: If Mr. Gold wasn’t such a ladies man, I would’ve married HIM instead.

Regina: Well since that obviously didn’t work do you morons have any other bright ideas that might kill my kid?!

Emma: Easy Regina, turning them into stone with that look isn’t going to help anyone!

Regina: Oh Graham! Hold me!

Marco: Well I’m sure if we bomb it again then it should work!

*Starts wailing*

Emma: What is that dog doing in a fire truck that has leather seats? Are people WANTING for that to end badly?

Emma: Bad dog! Don’t you do that!

*Is searching*

Emma: Archie told me that he trained Pongo to be a bloodhound just on the off chance that something like this happened

Emma: What are you going to show us boy?

Regina: Ms. Swan, he’s going to the bathroom!
Graham: Ew.

Graham: No, he might be onto something!

Marco: Are you pulling Graham?!

Graham: YES! *Is lying*

*Is an airshaft*

Regina: Well Ms. Swan should fall through that VERY well.

Graham: Whoa!

Marco: Can I have some help up please?

Archie: What are you doing Henry?

Henry: Signaling for help!

Archie: Can’t you just scream “Help! Help! Archie’s spine is sticking out through his back!

Henry: I should tell you that I’m starting to feel badly for pulling you in on this.

Archie: Well, delayed regret is better than none I guess.

Henry: And just for the record, you will ALWAYS be my second pick for step-dad.

Archie: Thank you Henry.

Henry: And since we’re probably going to die, I SHOULD tell you that my mom does kinda like you. You’d be her first choice for my stepdad because she says there is no way in something something that she’d sleep in the same bed with Mr. Gold no matter how many layers of clothes they were wearing.

Archie: Awesome!

Archie: Wait, I’ve seen her making eyes at Graham, where does he stand with you guys?

Henry: Oh yeah there’s no chance that’ll ever happen.

Archie: *Is thrilled with new developments*

Henry: And you should know that even though you fold like a cheap suit, you’re still the most moral person on this show.

Archie: I wouldn’t say that.

Henry: Well when you find your spine, you’ll be fine. Isn’t that the motto you taught me?

Graham: I had a dream like this once….except I was looking up and it was a coffin.

Emma: Graham, stop foreshadowing and get ready to lower me down.

Marco: I can’t believe you guys are still listening to me!

Graham: Well tie me to a bungee and lower me down. Just make sure the rope is taught enough so that I don’t slam into the elevator and crack my skull open.

Regina: I’m going on!

Emma: * Fake laughs* No.

*Glares*

Emma: The best thing about being the chosen one? I’m immune.

Regina: Wait what?

*Tries again*

Emma: Not working. Get away from me.

Regina: What is this devilry?!

Emma: Alright, I found them. Good news! They’re alive! Bad news! They’re having character development.

Archie: Quick Henry, give me a boost.

Archie: I’m just kidding. here Emma. *Throws Henry*

Emma: Caught him!

Henry: I hate it when we play this game!

Archie: So if I’d lived through this, would you have gone to a movie with me?

Emma: Without a doubt!

Archie: I want to live! *Elevator falls*

*Giggles*

*Umbrella opens, hits him in the face, and he falls*

Emma: Ugh, lower us down!

*3 Hours Later*

Regina: Just smile Regina, look good for the camera.

Regina: And whatever happens, don’t push Emma back down the mineshaft.

Regina: Come on son, let’s get you over here towards the cameras.

Emma: Henry!

Graham: Easy Emma, I think I should hug you to make sure there are no broken bones.

Marco: How are you walking?!

Archie: I built an exoskeleton out of bits and pieces of the mine.

Marco: That’s my Macgyver

Emma: Now how about a group hug?!

Regina: Touch my son and I’ll break your hands off at the wrist and slap you with them!

Emma: WHAT?!

Emma: I’ll just…go over here then.

Archie: You shouldn’t talk to Emma like that.

Regina: What on earth did you say to me?

Archie: Long story short, she agreed to go to a movie with me. So therefore I win the bet and Mr. Gold doesn’t and so I’m on a roll. Step off my woman.

*Is too shocked to smirk or glare*

Archie: And since I beat Mr. Gold, outran a fireball, and built an exoskeleton out of mine parts all in one day I am therefore AWESOME and I will council Henry the way I see fit and if you try to cross me again then you just might disappear.

Archie: From Henry’s custody rights…I-I wouldn’t kill you.

Jiminy: I hate sleeping under the wagon.

Jiminy: When you wish upon a star! Makes no difference who you are! Helpless child or conman scum your dreams come true!

Jiminy: So how did that last scene end? Did we all just awkwardly walk out? Oh I hope we didn’t leave that poor kid with those freaky puppets. Hey wait! Rumpelstiltskin is coming for those puppets. Oh that poor kid’s gonna have to deal with him too?!

Blue Fairy: I heard your wish; you don’t have to wish it so loudly! We’re kind of hung over.

Blue Fairy: And you should know that I can’t bring back the boy’s parents.

Jiminy: Um…why?

Blue Fairy: Sake of the plot demands it. We can rip powers away with a magic quill but unwoodening someone is just out of the question. There’s just no way out.

Jiminy: Um…why?

Blue Fairy: Let’s just say that Rumpelstiltskin likes to take flyswatters to the fairies that overrule his deals. What do you think happened to the gold fairy?

Jiminy: Well then I want to be a cricket!

Blue Fairy: Uh…okay.

Jiminy: Is that too weird?

Blue Fairy: I’ve seen weirder. Trust me you don’t want to know what the Hydra ordered for it’s birthday.

Jiminy: Oh this sucks, I change my mind I don’t want to be a cricket anymore!

Blue Fairy: If you stay like this and help that kid then you don’t have to be Rumple’s best friend anymore. You can’t play bowling night with a cricket, crickets don’t build boats, crickets don’t eat pizza, and they certainly can’t play Call of Duty