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Saturday, February 16, 2013

205 - The Doctor








Aurora: I spy with my little eye something…green.
Emma: Tree.
Aurora: YES! Okay! Again! I spy with my little eye…something….barky.
Snow: Tree.
Aurora: FANTASTIC! Okay! I spy with my little eye something…with branches.
Mulan: Getting back was a lot easier than going. Either my flame blocking skills scared Cora beyond her wildest dreams or something might be amiss…





Mulan: Oh hey, wow…I feel awkward that we weren’t in more of a hurry to get back
Aurora: Perhaps they’re just playing dead and when we all come in; they’ll jump up and yell “SURPRISE! Welcome back!”


Mulan: After all the people I decapitated the last time that happened, they wouldn’t think of doing that again.


Aurora: I wonder if my beloved Philip is in here somewhere.


Emma: Shouldn’t this concussion have worn off by now?
Snow: Obviously Emma, you’ve never had a concussion in Fairy Tale Land before…


*Are laying down on the job*


Snow: *Is disappointed* Cora swiped that delicious Chimera too!
Aurora: I don’t recall ordering the death of these people…


Mulan: So….they’re dead.
Snow: Yeah, this sucks…


Snow: Well, time to loot the village.





Mulan: I guess we could be more concerned with the fact that Cora knows where we are but…nah, let’s just hang here for a bit. Also why do these guys have holes in their chests when every other person that has had their heart ripped out never has?


Aurora: PHILIP! YOU’RE ALIVE!


Mulan: *Starts playing tug of war with the body* No, no, he’s MY warrior.


Is Not Philip: No please, spare this poor innocent BLACKSMITH who is a SURVIVOR…oh...wait…who are you?


Snow: Are you YOU?!


Emma: Who is THAT?!


Is Not Philip: Four women to myself and all the men are gone? I DID make it to heaven!


Charming: Hey! Hey! You guys wanna help me with my boxing practice? I’ve been trying to fight these…swan things but they keep winning!


???: Hey, this is a weird question, but have you seen my accent, anywhere?


Charming: Have you tried drawing a picture?
???: How do you draw a picture of an accent? Yes, I drew one! I drew a little English guy. But everyone got confused because of my crappy artwork and thought I drew the Planters Peanut Man. And then everyone got excited because they thought that he was real. And so everyone started thinking my secret identity was related to-


Charming: Hey, wanna help with my boxing?
???: Oh, that stance…it’s so horrible that I…I can’t look!


Charming: Ow! I clenched my fingers too tight!


???: Is your hostility towards me about Kathryn, Snow, or Emma?


Charming: *Is trying to get some feeling back in his hand* Wait…have you hit on ALL of them?


??? : Not at the same time!


??? : Because I’ve been trying to be better. I haven’t hit on a girl in the last 2 hours. I’m going through withdraw. I’ve been pulling at my hair…which is the only reason it’s HAS to look as weird as it does.


???: I Need to find my accent. He’s sort of missing…probably dead…probably on the other side of reality…and Regina can get him. If you can’t calm me down man…I might have to do something I’ll regret…REALLY regret….


Charming: I’m filling out my lunch order, did you say something?


???: *Is pouty*


Charming: *Is waiting*


???: I may have to….bring back her boyfriend from the dead…because it worked so well last time.


Charming: *Is whispering* Why are we whispering?


Regina: Hey! You busy!


Jiminy: Yes! Regina get lost! I have to go help Rumpelstiltskin cry into a tub of ice cream at his most recent break up.


Regina: So, that’s a ‘no’ then.


*Shuts the door on his way out*


*Several hours later*
Jiminy: Whoa, you’re still here.
Regina: I’ve been waiting forever. How long does it take for you men to get over your women issues? Doesn’t he have like…a LINE of women waiting to date him?


Jiminy: It’s NOT just him, okay? I just found out that the second woman of my dreams, Red, ran off and eloped with Jefferson. And since Rumpel broke up with Belle then that means that Emma’s now off the table too and it’s just been a bad week for my dating life!


???: Did someone say dating life?


Jiminy: And here the next eligible bachelor comes to take even REGINA from me. The hits just keep on coming.


Regina: Where did you come from?


???: Where is my beloved accent!? Tell me or I’ll throttle you!


Regina: I don’t think I like this open door policy!


Jiminy: ???, don’t MAKE me reenact all those times I beat you into the ground when you tried to bully me for 28 years.


???: *Is worried*



Jiminy: *Chases off*
???: NOOO! Leave me alone! *Is crying*


Jiminy: I HATE having to deal with ???


Regina: That was sort of…attractive.


Jiminy: Now! Where were we?


Regina: Are you single?


Jiminy: ….


Jiminy: ….Mmmmaaayyybbeeee


Eustache the Unicorn: A curse on you all!


Regina: I don’t think that I can immobilize it!


Rumpelstiltskin: It keeps trying to kick us in the head, Regina, get your powers working, woman. He’s going to call in the rest of Danvers supporters to murder us.


*Is immobilized*
Eustache the Unicorn: My heart! My lungs! My bloodstream! Nothing’s moving!


Rumpelstiltskin: Wonderful, Regina! I’m so proud!


Rumpelstiltskin: You only failed by this much!




Regina: *Is planning to give him bad marks on his upcoming evaluation*


Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! Don’t you dare! I can read your mind you know! Okay, maybe not, but I can read your diary. Don’t you tarnish my stellar reputation. None of the other women have ever complained.


Regina: Blah, blah, blah…..


Rumpelstiltskin: Now if you’re nice to this spawn of evil, then you might convince him to come over to our side. So don’t run up to it squealing and wanting to ride it like you did the last eight unicorns because I WILL leave you to this one’s wrath.


*Is going to pet it*


Rumpelstiltskin: DON”T MESS UP!


Regina: I can’t pet something and convince it of our agenda when it looks so cute! IT’s innocent!


Rumpelstiltskin: That thing? Nothing is innocent. It STOLE my sandwich yesterday. That sandwich had…very important information about the movement against Danvers. So watch how it’s done Regina…Regina?


Regina: *Is texting*


Rumpelstiltskin: Anti-Danvers love!


Rumpelstiltskin: Oh great, I pet it a little too hard, the heart came out again. I hate it when that happens.


Eustace the Unicorn: Owww, heartburn…


*Are playing “Unicorn Heart Catch”*


Rumpelstiltskin: Eh, okay I’m bored, let’s go kick some puppies now. Just in case you haven’t gotten the idea that I’m trying to turn you evil


Regina: But I don’t like kicking puppies! They’re innocent!


Rumpelstiltskin: *Resists strangling her*


Regina: EW! I’m holding a heart!


Regina: You take it!
Rumpelstiltskin: Ew. No. It looks dry and cold now.


Regina: Kicking puppies and killing unicorns is just your way of trying to get me to use dark magic! Well it won’t work.


Rumpelstiltskin: Yyyeeesss, it will.


Regina: No it won’t! I’m good and stuff!


Rumpelstiltskin: You will be back by tomorrow and you’ll be all


Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating Regina but even more high pitched and girly* Oh Rumpelstiltskin, I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided that I was too pure for you. Please take me back, please take me back!


Regina: I don’t prance around like that!


Rumpelstiltskin: Not yet, but you SO will!



*So…how did she keep him from rotting until she discovered magic?*


Regina: So honey…crappy day. Leopold kept asking why I drag a human sized suitcase everywhere we go.


Regina: I wish…I remembered where I put the key.


Regina: So there he is! Undead and sort of rotting. And if you’re curious, I have no idea how I kept him preserved for 28 years. Yeah…so I have problems letting go…are you okay with that?


Jiminy: That is DISGUSTING. Why is the only available woman in this town a freak?


Jiminy: I just remembered that Granny was on the market…I think I have to meet her for a round of speed dating.


Regina: *Cries* You don’t accept me for my flaws.


Jiminy: *Feels bad* I’m sorry…I’m sure we could pity date.


Regina: *Pulls self together* No, it’s okay…the only pity dating going on would be me pity dating you anyway. Anything else would be just you fooling yourself.


Jiminy: *Is happy that turning her down went better than he could’ve anticipated* Really? You promise?


Regina: Oh audio tape of “Hunger Games”, you make me laugh for all the wrong reasons.





Regina: No! It can’t be! I just realized that my fuzzy dice ornaments are gone!


Daniel: Brraiinnsssss…..also I forgot my umbrella!


Regina: Oh hey, that might be my boyfriend


Charming: We have stables? AWESOME!
Henry: I’m choking on the smell of manure from her!


Charming: Is it just me or have you grown taller?
Henry: Nah, it’s just you. My contract says that I have to stay the same height for the series run.


Charming: Henry, this is your new home. I’m tired of you getting up at night and laughing maniacally and singing songs about killing innocent girls that are no longer in relationships with your stepdad. And he’s not even your stepdad. Now there’s a pile of hay over there and you have access to all the apples you could ever hope for. Sleep tight Henry, oh and if you think the animals are plotting to kill us all…chances are they probably will.


Henry: I KNEW it.


Charming: Well now, let’s find you a good stall to hunker down in….


Henry: I’ve changed my mind, I’ve decided that I’m still living with you, grandpa and one of the stalls will be my vacation home. But one of the horses will have to be evicted for that to happen. OH! Hey! We can bring one of them to come live with us!


Henry: I choose this one as my partner in crime. And he can sleep in your room.


Charming: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shorty.


Charming: Ow! He bit me!


Henry: Well done, horse. I shall name you “Regina: But Awesome”


Charming: Okay, that’s enough of that evil telepathy young man


Charming: Since you’re apparently never in school, I’ve decided to start hiring you out as a stable hand. And don’t even THINK about riding the horses because I called dibs on ALL of them.


Henry: Figures.


Charming: Well horsey, give master a kiss!
Regina: But Awesome: *Rolls eyes*


Charming: She’s just playing hard to get.


Henry: Well done, Regina: But Awesome. Well done. 



Regina: Why did I wait all night just to show up now?



Regina: And wonderful…Henry already put up his basketball court in here…that could only mean…



Regina: I’m coming to save ya, Danny!



Regina: I really need to consider setting up an alarm or…better lock for this place.



Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t believe that Regina thought dirty things when I invited her over for a roll in the hay. I just wanted her to find all the needles so that I didn’t get pricked.



Regina: So…how about Adventure Time? That show is pretty messed up for kids….



Rumpelstiltskin: Regina come sit on my lap.
Regina: HUH?!



Rumpelstiltskin: *Shakes fist* Don’t be disgusting. My leg is cramping and it needs to pop and the only way that’s going to happen is if I put your weight on it.



Regina: I’d rather raise Daniel back from the dead!



Regina: Whoops, I wasn’t supposed to say that.



Rumpelstiltskin: Why would you want to raise him for? He was the blandest boyfriend anyone could ask for.



Rumpelstiltskin: Put a smile on Regina, I’m doing you a huge favor.



Regina: I suppose so, but he was so easy to boss around.
Rumpelstiltskin: Let’s go dancing! *Holds right hand like that does a swivel head*



Rumpelstiltskin: Um…Regina…Regina you’re touching my table. Don’t you know the rules around here yet?



Rumpelstiltskin: I wonder if she’ll notice me touching her hand all creepy like.



Regina: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiii Regina.



Jefferson: You really need to fix your broken doorbell. I had to crawl through the window.



Jefferson: There’s no other reason for me just appearing here out of nowhere.



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is sarcastic* Oh joy, Jefferson is here to try and outpretty me and make off with the women I’m seducing to my side of things. My greatest enemy! What shall I do?



Jefferson: I got you the coolest thing EVER.



Rumpelstiltskin: The Fabled Bowling Ball of Olympus!
Jefferson: The very same Zeus used to beat the other gods! Known to give strikes at every opportunity AND spy on mortal women everywhere.



Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, what about the slippers from Oz that I sent you go grab.



Jefferson: No one wants to imagine you wearing those.



Rumpelstiltskin: I’m sure there’s a small minority somewhere in our many worlds that probably do actually.



Regina: I would but probably not for the same reason as everyone else.



Jefferson: Look, I tried to take them but Dorothy grabbed me by my head, flipped me over and proceeded to beat the snot out of me. I don’t want a repeat performance.



Rumpelstiltskin: Look, she comes back to Oz like forty billion other times, just sit by and wait for her to show up again.



Jefferson: What part of ‘she beat me up,’ do you not get?



Jefferson: Now do you want this ball or not because if you’re not going to use it for the two purposes then I’ll be more than happy to use it up to its full potential.



Rumpelstiltskin: Well I DO like bowling…and I DO like spying on mortal women….



Rumpelstiltskin: Help yourself as much gold as you want.



Jefferson: I’m cleaning you out!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, not again….



Regina: I…wasn’t listening! Even though I do have to wonder if maybe this is a setup. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you being that cheap and I’VE seen who you date.



Jefferson: *Giggles*
Rumpelstiltskin: *Fumes*



Rumpelstiltskin: And you can show yourself out. I have to practice my bowling! *Squees*



Regina: Wait! Who will help me fulfill my zombie fantasies?



Jefferson: Did someone say fantasies?
Regina: GAH!


         
Jefferson: OW! Do you concrete in those elbows of yours?! That hurt!



Jefferson: And I was just trying to be nice. And you’re like



Jefferson: Der…I’m trusting the dark one that corrupted my mom! What could go wrong?!



Jefferson: But I Have no idea why you’re so upset over Daniel’s death when we all know that you could have all this if you asked for it.



Jefferson: You’re single, right?



Regina: No, I’m sort of the queen.



Jefferson: *Is bummed* Well, I suppose I can use you to get a royal passport when I’m hanging out in your realm. Don’t know that that’ll be any good if my enemies just try to kill me anyway and I don’t think it spreads to other realms but…whatever. Leopold is my greatest enemy anyway; he almost scares me as much as Dorothy.



Regina: I’ll see what I can do.



Jefferson: Thanks Regina, you’re the breast!



Jefferson: Best! Best! You’re the best! I have no idea where that came from!



Regina: *Likes it*  Freak.



Jefferson: It’s a living!




Hook: Why does that weird girl keep calling me Philip for? I’ve never pretended to have that name.



Emma: I can’t believe he asked us to help him repopulate Fairy Tale Land with a straight face.
Mulan: I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me punch him after he suggested it.
Emma: That’s because you wanted to punch him with the sword in hand.



Emma: So…do we know him? I don’t think I saw him. I’m PRETTY sure I would’ve noticed that.
Mulan: He’s a blacksmith that came in a couple of months ago.
Emma: What good is a one handed blacksmith?
Mulan: Better than a no handed blacksmith?



Hook: *Sniffles loud enough for everyone to hear him*



Emma: Hey, if he turns out to be trustworthy, I call dibs!
Mulan: You already had a love interest last season! I want someone that isn’t someone else’s sloppy seconds.
Emma: Princess Emma demands her man.



Emma: *Is pretending not to be interested* Here’s your wat-.



Hook: *Snaps into womanizer mode* HI! I’m Killian Jones.



Emma: *Is still pretending she doesn’t care* that’s exciting for you.
Emma’s Inner Monologue: Emma Swan-Jones = <3 nbsp="" p="">


Emma: So how about that survival ability of yours?



Hook: *Puppy eyes*



Aurora: AWWWWW!
Snow: AWWWWW!



Hook: Cora came in flying on her broomstick and since I was picked to serve as valet that night, she gave me the keys and I went to go park it. When I came back everyone was running in terror. I pretended to be dead, and luckily I was the first one to do so because she started catching on the fiftieth time it happened. She was already over on the other side of the field when she got finished.



Hook: *Edges cup to her* Now go get me a refill.



Emma: I don’t think I believe you.
Hook: Doesn’t matter to me! Best. View. Ever.
Emma’s Inner Monologue: *Squees!*



Emma: You know that superpower I have where I can tell where someone is lying and it proved to be HORRIBLY faulty last season? Well I’m hoping that it still is!



Snow: EMMA! You don’t date unless your father approves it!



Hook: Oh, I’m sure that he’d approve of me! I’m a gentleman!



Hook: OW! OW! OW!
Emma: This is my curse, if I’m attracted to you, then you’re PROBABLY not trustworthy.



Hook: *Situation is NOT a deal breaker*



Regina: Ew. Gross. Nurse Ratchet still hasn’t awakened out of the drug induced coma yet.



Regina: Hm. That name ‘Glass’ sounds familiar but I’m not quite sure I know who it is.



Regina: ???! You’re not lobotomizing anyone here, are you?



Jefferson: I’m not sure if you’ve realized it yet, but I’m VERY handsome.
Regina: Oh, I’ve noticed.
Jefferson: And I’m not sure if you really noticed, but there are no mirrors up. Which is an insult to people like me. I’m never coming back here again.



Jefferson: Now, this guy has never been to a world like this before, and he’s the only one that can help us. So whatever you do…do NOT insult his appearance. His world thinks he’s the sexiest thing there, which will pretty much show you how hard up they are.



Regina: OH! You watch where your hands are, buddy!
Jefferson: What are you talking about? They’re behind my back.



Jefferson: *Is a liar*


Regina: Can I open my eyes now?
Jefferson: *Is in love* I see myself in that PUDDLE!



Regina: Let’s just get this over with.
Jefferson: I’m dignified!






Regina: Um…those things will eat your face off if they’re hungry enough
Jefferson: *Is checking himself out in the reflection of a nearby window*



???: MMmm…yes?



Regina: Oh, you poor thing! What sort of disease do you have that makes you have to wear those color glasses?
Jefferson: Dangit Regina!



??? …..



???: Okay, I’m leaving.






???: How odd! He seems more lifelike dead than he does alive!



Regina: His blandness saved him, right?
???: Blandness is a hard thing to overcome, I’m not sure I can do it.



Jefferson: What is this vault supposed to be before you turned it into your heart collection? A place for your shoes?



???: Don’t ask how a body is still bleeding when the blood should’ve already settled.



Jefferson: *Is secretly sick at the sight of blood and other disfiguring injuries*



???: Oh wait! Crap! That was my hand I cut, not his!



Regina: This is the guy you hired?



???: Hired nothing! I told you guys to lead me to the front door and you led me in here instead!



Jefferson: I wonder what “I” am getting out of this deal.



???: I need an enchanted heart because those things have a great lifetime warranty!



???: I don’t want it for selfish reasons but…my accent is dying and I need a heart to restore its life!



Regina: *Is unimpressed*



???: But if you want…we can use your boyfriend for a lab rat.



???: And while I’m thinking about it, where are the guards and servants during all this?



Jefferson: I put a picture of myself in the center of town and everyone went to go admire it.



???: People might stay there admiring you for so long that they might STARVE to death!



Jefferson: EH, what are you going to do?



???: Good thing that you didn’t put my picture up there or they might’ve ripped yours down and burned it. If you’re the prettiest guy here then it shows how hard up this world is!



Jefferson: Well your coat is ugly.



???: *Is extremely insulted*



Jefferson: That’s right! I went there!




Regina: Oh, it looks like the Hospital Christmas party came early!



*Arm up!*  



Regina: EWWWW!



*Runs into light and knocks self out*
*What did Daniel do? Try to hang from it?*



???: Oh good, someone heard my desperate cries for help.



Regina: You stole my dead boyfriend and brought him back! Causing me emotional trauma in the process!



Whale: That’s nice for you… MY ARM WAS RIPPED OFF!



Regina: Pfft. I can’t be concerned with you blleding out on the floor.



Jefferson: The least you could’ve done was offer us some lemonade.



???: Why did we bring him?



Regina: I don’t know, he keeps following me.



Jefferson: You’re just jealous because my hat is bigger than both of you put together.



???: I’m too English to acknowledge the fact that that was a dirty euphemism.



Regina: Will you two shut up? I’m trying to remember the code for getting in this vault!



Jefferson: Reflections in the tiles!






Regina: Oh that’s right, I just had to glare at it.
???: Your woman is freaky.
Jefferson: And I couldn’t be happier.



Regina: Ma’s really let this place go.
Jefferson: Sort of relieving to know that she didn’t have thought to take all this with her.



???: So…your mom really likes the American Red Cross…



Jefferson: *Is secretly sick around hearts and other things that are supposed to be in attractive bodies*



Jefferson: I really want to go home now…



Regina: I’m really open to the idea that maybe mom wasn’t normal….



*Is doing the Einey Meeny Miney Moe game*



???: Okay, you win!



Jefferson: Oh don’t worry magical hat. I promise you that what Regina and I have will NEVER cause you and I to separate.



???: Open it up and what do I see?






???: Hm. That’s gross.




Regina: I can’t believe he fainted, the wimp.



Charming: Hey, have you seen Henry? I think I misplaced him again.



Regina: Of all people, you’re asking the one person who lost him the most?



Charming: Hey! Why is our one doctor in the hospital?



Regina: I don’t have anything to do with that, why are you accusing me?! Oh hey, also you should arrest him for bodysnatching, but I refuse to tell you any more than that.



Charming: Pfft, Regina, I’ve been to the cemetery already this morning to make sure that no zombies rise up against my reign; all the graves were still there.



Regina: I may have…kept him in my vault…also Dr. Whale is Frankenstein.



Charming: But he’s not a fairy tale character!



Regina: There are many worlds in this show dude, not all of them are fairy tales.



Charming: OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!



Regina: But I’m innocent this time around! I know nothing about any undead boyfriend ripping arms off!



Charming: Ripping body parts out, I Think I see what you two have in common.



Regina: *Bursts out laughing*



Charming: That wasn’t….funny.



Regina: I have a really unhealthy sense of humor.



Charming: Wait…all magical beings are attracted to Henry since he’s the show’s exposition….if I Remember where I put him…then we’ll find your boyfriend!



Henry: Okay, Regina: But Awesome, I’m using my telepathy to send you a mental photo of EVERYONE that we want dead. Think you can handle that?



Regina: But Awesome: LONG LIVE DANVERS



Lesser Paid Horses: LONG LIVE DANVERS!



Henry: Augh! Broken neck!



Daniel: Braiinnnnsss….also you’re a lot shorter than I remember, Regina.




Hook: When you said you were into ropes, I didn’t think anything of it but now I’m starting to get the feeling that some loving isn’t in my future.



Emma: Tell us who you are or we’ll leave you with Aurora.



Snow: *Is horrified*



Hook: Fine! She was going to be my favorite girlfriend anyway!



Aurora: Philip! Who tied you to that tree! I’ll save you with true love!
Hook: *is horrified*



Emma: See you Smithy! We might be back to collect your remains.



Hook: You know, you could’ve just looked in my wallet!



Emma: I KNEW he was lying!



Emma: Good news everyone! We have a punching bag!



Hook: You Earth women have weird mating rituals, but whatever. I’m game. I’ve had to do weird things to get a girl.



Emma: *Didn’t want to know that*



Snow: *Vows that this will NOT be her new son-in-law* Oh hey! I found this Hook in the saddlebag that he was carrying around! Pity we didn’t check that in the first place! He’s Captain Hook! Which means he’s evil! Into his jugular this goes!



Emma: So you obsess over little boys who never age?



Hook: Don’t SAY it like that!



Hook: Okay, here’s the thing…I might’ve been working with Cora but I’m totally Team!Emma now. Mostly because you caught me and have my life in your hands.



Hook: And you know what? You should pity me. I had to wear this tacky drapery just to get past the sentinels when I arrived.



Hook: AANNND we need a magic compass to get us home because now that none of you swept away the magical….ashes… (I feel stupid just saying that)…Cora now has a way to get a portal open.



Mulan: Let me kill him!
Aurora: Philip the TRAITOR!



Emma: Oh well, thanks for spilling your guts. See ya, Hook!



Hook: Also I’m possibly the only man left alive!



*Stops*



Emma: *Is annoyed * Really?!



Hook: Maybe I’m just misunderstood! Maybe you can change me!



Emma: And maybe a double agent isn’t the first guy I’d want to lead me back home!



Hook: *Is suggestive* I could lead you to other places if you want.



Snow: Say that AGAIN.



Emma: Why do you want to go to Storybrooke!?



Hook: To brutally murder Rumpelstiltskin.



Emma: MY BELOVED FIANCE?!



Hook: He’s got you too, huh?



Hook: Well, time to seduce another ‘Stiltskin woman.



Snow: I’d take Mr. Gold as my son in law over this guy.



Henry: You better keep your distance there buster! I have a horse brush and I WILL mess you up.







Henry: So, you’ve been wondering around since last night and no one noticed the zombie wandering around? How blind are these people? And you were standing out in the rain, how is there still blood on your hand?



Daniel: A being more evil than CORA!



Regina: DANIEL! Put him down! That is NOT the way you play “Airplane” with children!



Henry: MANURE!



Daniel: *Author is unintentionally cracking me up with his zombie faces*



Charming: Run Henry! Run!



Charming: That’s the wrong way, Henry!



Regina: Daniel! Your approximately 35 years of being dead sure haven’t seemed to lessen your muscle movement



Daniel: Brains?



Charming: HA! Rejected!
Daniel: *Smacks into door*



Charming: Out of the way, Lasagna Seductress! I’ve always wanted to headshot a zombie!



Regina: But he’s really just misunderstood!



Charming: Lasagna Seductress, are you insane?! He tried to crush your kid’s neck like an empty soda can!



Regina: Like I haven’t done any different!



Regina: *Is beating him up*



Regina: I’m sure he and I can just talk this out.



Charming: Fine, but if you can’t then I’m going to go look for a shotgun to blow his head open like a ripe watermelon! And to check on Henry, his life in danger yet AGAIN by your poor poor choices.



*Daniel stopped fighting in there real quickly. Did he move to the other side of the wall to pout?*




Regina: Good to know that while you and I were struggling to move his lifeless corpse out here, ??? took time to set his little tent up.



???: Hey! Stop moving the box out when my back is turned! It’s not funny!



???: Oh good, the heart is still in here, I was just making sure because I couldn’t tell from the bright red glow shining from the holes!



Regina: You know, maybe we should go in there and make sure this isn’t a setup. I mean how do I know that he’s really trying to save Daniel? He could just be off to the side making believable shadow puppets!



Jefferson: *Is worried that she figured it out* Don’t be stupid, Regina.



Jefferson: Hey! Where did that random storm come from!
Regina: I don’t think this is a sterile working environment!



Jefferson: I seriously can’t believe you’re picking him over me!






Jefferson: Also, where are his surgical gloves? I’m beginning to think that our show isn’t very medically accurate!



???: IT’S ALLLIIIIVVVVEEEE



Regina: Get your hands off me, Jefferson.
Jefferson: They’re not touching you!
Regina: I don’t want this to be the first thing Daniel sees!
Jefferson: I do!



???: ….. Did we bring backups?



???: So…this is awkward but it didn’t work. Apparently when you jam a heart into someone’s chest it…sort of explodes.



Regina: Huh. I did not know that.



???: SCIENCE!



Jefferson: SOBBIES!







Regina: Honey, you have a temperature.



Regina: Ugh, all this travelling has made me exhausted. Oh well, I didn’t want to have to explain to my husband or you the circumstances of tonight.,



Daniel: *Is pouting* Brains!



Regina: Snookums!



Daniel: Brains!



Regina: You remember my name!



Daniel: Yeah! I died because you stupidly thought your mom would be okay with us! Which is just my way of saying….



Daniel: BRAINS!



Daniel: I never liked your lack of brains, wall! *Slams Regina into the wall*
*I’m not even going to make fun of his facial expressions, they should make fun of themselves*



Regina: *Knees him in a sensitive area*
Daniel: AIIEEEE!



Daniel: My gut is higher!
Regina: You said the same thing when we first met!



*Glomps*



Daniel: So…I really don’t LIKE being a zombie. I mean it’s not near as fun as I was hoping. Apparently biting people doesn’t turn them, it’s sort of lonely.



Regina: Oh my true love…..you couldn’t have washed your hands first?



Regina: I mean how would you like it if my hands were bloody and all over you like this?!



Daniel: Ewwww! Stop it!



Daniel: Regina, It’s been approximately 38 years since I died! I think it’s about time that you find a new boyfriend.



Regina: Um…I’ve been a homicidal monster for nearly just as long, I don’t think my turnaround is going to be as easy as that…what would the writers be thinking if I suddenly turned my act around without really feeling sorry for what I've done!?



Daniel: Brains?!



Regina: And you were always such a wonderful vault decoration!



*Is dust*



Regina: AUGH! AUGH! EW! I JUST BREATHED HIM IN!




Hook: Stop throwing rocks at me! I know it’s you Mulan!
Aurora: *Is really doing* Giggles!



Snow: Emma, I think it’s about time we talk about the men who are taking an interest in you.
Emma: Momgret, it’s not my fault! I don’t even know where that whole ‘my beloved fiancĂ©’ came from!



Snow: Please tell me you don’t really LIKE Rumpelstiltskin…
Emma: NO! And why are you asking me this for? You DATED him!
Snow: I was very young and incredibly stupid.



Emma: Fine Momgret, just to settle this, I’m going to go up behind him now and strangle the life out of Hook with this satchel strap.
Snow: HORRAY!



Emma: Woah! Check out that BEANSTALK!
Snow: Emma! I swear if that’s a euphemism, I WILL find a woodshed to take you out behind….







Snow: That’s not even that impressive.



Hook: Oh, if only there was someone feisty and blonde and wearing leather standing right beside me who was brave enough to climb it with me while we have banter and sexual tension.



Emma: Yeah. If only.
Emma’s Inner Dialogue: I hope he means ME!



Snow: Give me your lunch money, Aurora!
Aurora: AWWWWW!



*And a shot of Regina Driving*



*Which just sort of ends abruptly*



Obvious Red Shirt: I gotta rock!



Regina: *Is jealous* what’s SHE doing here?



Rumpelstiltskin: Regina, move your backside, I’m right in the middle of her people’s wedding ceremony!



Rumpelstiltskin: It’s been awhile since I was married. Like a week….



Rumpelstiltskin: REGINA! What are you doing? That’s not where her heart is, that’s her stomach! Your aim is still off! This is why I always won at Bestie Duck Hunt!



Regina: I hope you know that getting my new gloves dirty is a sign of my dedication!



Rumpelstiltskin: You left the castle dressed like that? I hope you didn’t wonder why everyone pointed and laughed.



Regina: Don’t think I won’t stab you with this weird dagger necklace.



Rumpelstiltskin: And don’t think I won’t bludgeon you with this book.
*How the rivalry was really born* 



Archie: Hey, two times in like a day…you must really want all this.



Regina: My dead boyfriend came back and I killed him!



Archie: Oooookay, come on, Regina. Let’s get you fitted for a straightjacket



Jefferson: *Is fanning himself. Which is usually what he does when staring at himself for long periods of time* I think we lost them!
???: We were doing them a favor! They weren’t taking care of themselves while they were staring at your photo and so we took it down and they chased us! Why didn’t they know that it was you taking down your own photo?
Jefferson: Hard for them to see me when I’m having to run for my life!



Rumpelstiltskin: I have NEVER seen two people scream so high pitched before



Jefferson: It was actually sort of stress relieving want to join in?
*The background of at least 10 people*



Rumpelstiltskin: Well unlike you two, I actually have a reputation to upkeep.



???: Well that was…just…rude!



Jefferson: Aww! My mom packed me a lunch!
Rumpelstiltskin: Oooo, are there cookies?



Jefferson: Oh, the heart thing, what’s that doing here?
???: I think I see that mob out in the distance!



Rumpelstiltskin: Stupid man, that mob won’t chase after us! They know there were two guys responsible and here I am to make three and Jefferson’s wearing a hat now when he waswn’t before. They’ll pass us by!
Jefferson: *Giggles*



Jefferson: Take it, ???, this thing is beating in my hand and it’s just WEIRD. Also why do I have it when we gave it to you?



Jefferson: AND my new eyeliner is running. This is why I don’t steal from yoru makeup closet, Rumpel.



Jefferson: I hate the risk of not being pretty *Pouts*



???: Awww, there you are heart! Are you ready for your long and dangerous journey! I bet you are! I bet you are!



Rumpelstiltskin: This freak’s got problems.
Jefferson: Yeah, lucky for us we’re completely normal.
Rumpelstiltskin: You said it.



Rumpelstiltskin: Seriously, YOU’RE the prettiest guy in your world? Geez, maybe I should visit there…show those women what a real man is.



???: Well, when you find one here, let me know and we’ll work something out.
*What’s with his eye makeup? Did Regina punch him a couple of times?*



Rumpelstiltskin: I think he just insulted me!
Jefferson: Just consider the source Rumpel, just consider the source.



???: Is that what you do all day since you two are so powerful? Sitting around looking bored?



Rumpelstiltskin: Not as long as there are women to be had and men to be mocked! Wait…no, yeah, I said it right.
Jefferson: I like having epiphanies about life. I’m having one right now…about ropeburn.



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, see ya later, ???, I can happily say that you won’t be missed and I will never see you again.
Jefferson: Rope is like life…it’s a pretty good thing to have but sometimes you make stupid decisions and abuse it and then you get ropeburn…which is painful because usually it’s your own fault…



Rumpelstilskin:….
???: …..
Jefferson: Oh hey, are you guys ready to go?



Jefferson: FINALLY! I’m not sure how much longer hanging around with you two was gonna take. I hate the woods! I don’t like being so close to…nature things!



*Jumps*
???: AUGH! I missed!
Rumpelstiltskin: Wow, I see that bone fracture from here.



Jiminy: What is THIS?!



Rumpelstiltskin: Jiminy! What are you doing here?!



Jiminy: You’re seeing other besties behind my back!



Rumpelstiltskin: It’s nothing like that!



Jiminy: *Cries*




???: Ah, our show, the only place where getting limbs cut and ripped off is truly just a flesh wound.



Rumpelstiltskin: When did I buy this?!



Rumpelstiltskin: …. I’m not going on a picnic with you.






Rumpelstiltskin: I’m REALLY not going on a picnic with you.



Rumpelstiltskin: Or are you pawning that? Because I stopped selling severed limbs since the early millennium. It attracted flies. Customers hate flies.



Rumpelstiltskin: Wait, let me get in a shadier part of the store…there we go.



??? : So…that was mine. I’d kind of like it back…



Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t you kids just use duct tape or something now?



???: Tried that. It fell off. Sort of need you to fix it.



???: *Glares at it to try and make it reattach*



???: Okay, yeah, I need your help.



Rumpelstiltskin:  I’ll reattach your arm. But first, tell me why.



???:  Because I want to use it again.



Rumpelstiltskin: Well no duh, thanks Captain Obvious, what other superpowers you got?



Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll reattach it, for a price…you have to say it…



???: What are you? 10 years old?



Rumpelstiltskin: For this moment? You bet I am!



???: ‘Rumpelstiltskin is the true ladies’ man of this entire show, town, and the multiple worlds that we exist in’



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is the happiest he’s been in a long time*



???: Oh, yeah, there it is.



???: Um….this isn’t my arm…



Victor *Yeah, I’m not even gonna bother pretending we don’t know who he is anymore* Igor! Stop doing whatever you’re doing and come help me!



Igor: But I’m injecting my diabetes insulin!



Victor: SILENCE! I have stolen someone’s heart!
Igor: How come it’s in color and you weren’t black and white in the Enchanted Forest.
Victor: Lots of body paint. Luckily that portal jumper has a whole room full of it. 

 

Victor: I sort of wish that I had grabbed another one for a night light



Igor: *Wishes he’d been a mime like his mother wanted him to be*



Victor: Hm…I’m so glad I got here just as the storm arrived to save my beloved accent. It and I will NEVER be parted now!



*Something I’ve always wanted as a kid*



Igor: So your accent is moving under those covers. That’s NASTY. I didn’t think that would actually happen, I was sort of hoping that this would be an easy gig for me to get a paycheck on!



Victor’s Accent: BRAAAIIINNNNNSSS



Igor: I’m worried! I really am!



Victor: Now…I shall ALWAYS be British!



Victor: IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE!
Igor: Dude, I’m the only one here and I know!
Victor: Oh sorry, I just always wanted to scream that to the top of my lungs. No idea why.





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