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Thursday, February 14, 2013

109 - True North

*Comic book fan pandering*

HenryHow dull. Not enough violence for my taste. Well now that I’m very disappointed in my generation I’m going back to unabridged fairy tales!

AvaHey random kid.

Henry: A girl! Most girls just beat me up.

NicolasAll clear sis!

AvaThis is my brother Nicholas. He’s not mute but we all like to pretend he is.

Nicolas*Is an idiot*

AvaI’m desperate to find someone that can match me on an intellectual level for political debate. And since it’s most superior to everyone in this town, I think you shall be a suitable opponent.

HenryI have no idea what you just said but…sure!

HenryHeh. Mr. Gold lessons are FINALLY paying off!

Mr. ClarkHold on now!
HenryOh Mr. C! Get out of my grill!

Mr. ClarkThrow this dirty hankie away you little thief!

HenryEw. No.

AvaQuick Hansel! Set your uselessness to “stun”!

Mr. Clark: I’ll just take your bag! And your lunch money!

HenryWait a minute! Did you set me up?!

AvaWhat a horrible insinuation! Nicolas was carrying our stuff and it just HAPPENED to fall in your bag, right Nick?
*Is an idiot*

HenryI'm starting to think Mr. Gold is to swindling me.

Mr. ClarkI’m going to call your parents!

AvaBut my father’s abusive! Oh wait, that’s only when I’m acting with Nicolas on Fringe.

*Is chopping*

*You know that you might have problems when your father is Alex Krycek.*

Krycek!Dad: Fall tree! Fall!

Gretel: Dad, I think that tree might've fallen on Hansel.

Krycek!Dad: Uh....no. Looks like I missed this time.

Gretel: I think it's time we talk about him. Yesterday he stared at the lock when he couldn't get into the chicken coup for an hour and this morning he walked into a tree. I think this generation of electronics is starting to affect his mind and views of reality.

Krycek!Dad: Oh it's just a phase he's going through I'm sure.

Hansel: Look dad! I’m a mime!
Gretel: See what I mean?

Krycek!Dad: .....

Krycek!Dad: Maybe you should just serve as an example for your twin brother. Teach him to take the next level in his being useful. Teach him to pick up sticks.

Gretel: If I must.

Krycek!Dad: And actually take your brother WITH you this time.

Hansel: Wait a minute....we're in the middle of the woods?!

Krycek!Dad: Well, back to my plans to bring down Mulder.

Hansel: And this is how mimes pretend to roll dice.
Gretel: Shut up Hansel or I’ll leave you alone in this forest and the Slenderman can get you.

Hansel: Wanna see my yo-yo trick.

Gretel: Wanna see my backhand trick?

Hansel: For like...tennis or something?

Gretel: You know what? I think it's time for us to go find dad because if there's anything that compasses are good at then it’s finding moving targets. Bring the wheelbarrow and try not to screw that up too.

*It's a giant forest full of trees. How far do you really have to go to collect one small wheelbarrow full of firewood.*

Gretel: Uh....didn't we just leave dad here?

Gretel: You know, I’m starting to see where you get it.

Gretel: Sweet. I finally have my chance to abandon Hansel
Hansel: Hey Grets, don't leave me!

Gretel: Where's the car?
Hansel: Do you think daddy left us?
Gretel: Of course not! What kind of story would this be?!

Gretel: Holy crap how did I hear you coming?
Hansel: Back off! I'm a mime!

Hansel: It's okay Gretel, the horses are terrified of mimes.

Gretel: But I guess soldiers aren't! So thank you very much Hansel.

Hansel: If you weren't trying to train me to be useful then we wouldn't BE in this situation.

Hansel*Childish shove*

*That hat and that hair are fabulous. I wish we lived in a time period where I could wear that and not look silly*

Hansel: Dad? Is that you?

Regina: Stupid poor person's shop. I'm so glad I shop online for all my belongings. *Smirks*

Mr. Clark: Your kid's a thief.

Regina: You're a criminal mastermind, Mr. Gold follower, insane, and NOW you're a thief?!

*How did Henry not feel all of that being put in his backpack?*

Regina: My son isn't responsible. He doesn't use girly shampoo and has no need for candy.

Ava: Didn't he have candy bars in episode 5?
Nicolas: Puh-looot hole!

Regina: Nonsense, I don't pay near enough attention to my son for it to be classified as a plot hole!

Emma: Hey guys! I didn't know you shopped at Mr. Clark's Generic General Store!

Regina*Turns up nose* I'm only here because your son is a dirty thief!

Emma: Oh, so he's MY son now?!

Regina: When he does things like this, then yes, he is your son!

Emma: Oh. I see how it's going to be.

Regina: Look, there are two kids over there that need a good home. Why don't you go adopt them while I let Mr. Gold know that Henry's membership is now revoked!

Ava: We don't know where that stuff came from! It just jumped into Nicolas's arms and then jumped into Henry's bag. Right Nick?

Emma: Why do I always get stuck dealing with the weirdoes? I just don't understand...does being the supposed chosen one make me a magnet for you people?

: You guys snatched the cheap kind? What's wrong with you?

Ava*Puppy eyes* Because we can't afford anything that actually is decent.

Emma: There is no excuse for crummy toothpaste.

Ava: But we need real money for real food! Right Nick?
Ava: You know something. You were actually pretty good on Fringe. Did you leave your acting ability there?!

Gretel: We were sorry about trespassing through your woods...maybe you should put a sign up or something so that we know it belongs to you.

Evil Queen: Or maybe you should go buy your own forest and not be so poor!

Gretel: Or maybe YOU shouldn't go up and down the streets when you can friggin' teleport!

*Epic stare down*

Evil Queen: I refuse to be told off by a twelve year old. Stick them in the ground head first.

*Kicks carriage wheel in two*


Evil Queen: That was friggin' amazing!

Gretel: Quick! Run uphill it's the only way!

Evil Queen: HAHA! How do you like teleporting!Me now, blondie?!

Gretel: Run downhill back toward the soldiers! It's the only way!

*Horrible CGI Vines. *

*Are pretending to fight against things that clearly aren't there.*

Gretel: Quick! Play dead! *Plays dead*
Hansel: What?

Evil Queen: Well, you're not Hunger Games material but I suppose you'll have to do.

Evil Queen: How would you two like to help me commit a murder?

Gretel: Aren't you wearing your latest kill on the side of your head.

Evil Queen:....You're going to make this a long day for me, aren't you?

Emma: Uh...are you sure this is your house?

Ava: Totally is.
Nicolas: Uh....that doesn’t' look like the craphole we live in.

Emma: Do you really expect me to buy that your last name is Nakamura?

Ava: Uh.....

Ava: Stepmom. It's our evil stepmother's name. We just haven't changed it yet.

Emma: Well, in this town I can buy that stepmothers can be evil. Go have fun!

Ava: See ya!

Ava: She bought it!

*Is it wise to take off for another house before Emma's even down the street?*

*Not so nice house*

Ava: What do we do for winter?
Nicolas: Or for the bathroom?
Ava: Or washing our hair in the winter?

*Hears upper door crashing down*

Ava: Get the shotgun Nick. I'll get the sledgehammer.

*Are hunting*

Emma: This had better be your summer home!

Ava: How did you find us?!

Emma: How could I miss you? I turned the corner in the car and saw you run in here! Nicolas even waved!

: How did you not know that these kids were homeless?

Mary: Geez, maybe it's because I'm not the only teacher and they're not in my class?! 

Emma: Hey, you're right. You're not the only teacher. You're like the only one we ever see. I just wrote it off as being in a giant one room schoolhouse or something.

Mary*Is pouty*

Emma: And...It appears no father is listed.

Mary: Immaculate Conception?

Emma: ..........

Mary: Oh, like that's the weirdest thing you've heard all week!

Emma: .........

Emma*Opens mouth to say something*

Emma: No. Not really.

Mary: Okay maybe you should stick them in a foster home.

Emma: Uh....no they suck.

Mary: Uh...not all of them.

Emma: Uh....yes all of them...at least according to THIS show.

Emma: Besides, have you SEEN that boy? Think of what'll happen to him if his sister gets separated from him?

Ava: What do you mean we're going to get separated?!

Mary: How did I not see you approaching us?

Emma: Yeah. THANKS for that Mary.

Mr. K: Is that a computer behind me? Nice to see Mr. Gold puts no limit on our funding!

Emma: You know, I’m been standing here for an hour.

Mr. K: Oh! Sorry! I'm not used to people actually being here.

Emma: Maybe because you keep the door locked.

Mr. K: Might be the reason.

Emma: I need to look at some birth certificates.

Mr. K: Well, I'll see what I got! I have to say that I was hoping it'd just be another day of trying to beat "I Wanna Be the Guy" but since I guess THAT isn't going to happen I have to do what the government or Mr. Gold pays me for!

Emma: Blah blah blah. I was considering dating Archie again but since he's doing his new stand-up comedy act, he hardly has time to see me. *Sniffles* You don't see ME complaining about it, do you?

Mr. K: Oh hey, those records got checked out.

Emma: Is it really smart to give away your ONLY records? 

Regina: It's a wonder you can get anything done without coming running to me.

Emma: Maybe because you keep making yourself a target!

Regina: Well here are your kid’s files. I went ahead and called services to get them separated as soon as possible because I am bored.

Emma: So where do the birth certificates come from anyway? Do they just sort of magically appear or do you painstakingly make them out as soon as the situation requires it?

Regina: Look. I don't know! I just cause their misery!

Regina: Anyway, I want you to take them out of Storybrooke as soon as possible.

Emma: Why, so I can hear Henry rant about how something bad always happens if people try to leave? What happens when I cross the border of the town and something bad happens to those kids and I start to think that something might be up? So...what you're trying to avoid by letting them stay you...you screw yourself over by letting them go.

Regina: Oh. Crap.


Regina: Oh well. The chance to make you cry and children cry trumps any chance of anything bad happening by letting them go.

*Is trying not to cry*

Regina: Hurry it up. I'm waiting.

Emma: I'm not going to! How do you like that?!

Regina: The day isn't over yet.

*Just in case you haven't forgotten about the COMPASS yet!*

Evil Queen: I know we've been walking for a while but I don't let kids in my carriage with me. You'll put your feet in the seat and leave your sticky fingerprints all over the window.

Gretel: Keep up Hansel! She's walking in heels! There's nothing stopping you!

Evil Queen: Didn’t I tell you kids NO TALKING?!

Gretel: Are we there yet?

Evil Queen: Are you two ready to face life or death out of a favor for me?

: That's kind of creepy.

Evil Queen: And so I kind of need you to go into the Blind Witch’s house and steal a bag. I can't get in there myself because she...put a spell on it when I traded her contact saline for 'sight be gone' liquid solution.

Evil Queen: It was a high school prank...I think she needs to get over her grudge now because COME ON!

Gretel: You caused it?

Evil Queen: Well I'm responsible for practically everything else in this series.

Gretel: Oh.....

Evil Queen: And then I’ll help you find your father.

Gretel: You know, it's kind of weird that dad disappeared right as you appeared.

Evil Queen: Alright, now I'm just going to talk to your brother from here on out.

Gretel: No! You don't know what you're saying!

Evil Queen: Ready to be team leader Hansel?

Gretel*Is disgusted*

Evil Queen: Don't give me that look young lady!

Evil Queen: Also I should tell you the Blind Witch totally rigged her car alarm to the candy so she'll know if you kids try and eat something.

Hansel: I don't get it. The Blind Witch lives behind what looks like a painting just stuck in the middle of a green screen?

Henry: Hi Emma! Is it really a good idea for me to carry around this book when I'm worried about my mom swiping it?

Emma: Go away Henry, some of us have real work to do.

Emma: *Giggles* These kids are NOT Hansel and Gretel, that doesn't even LOOK like them!

Henry: *Imitating Emma* Doesn't even look like them. 28 years DOES change people!

Emma: If you'll excuse me, I'm STILL trying to get this office organized from Graham's 'just shove it in a file and go' organization techniques.

Emma: Oh. This one looks good. Surveillance photos of Regina in tap dancing school. We don't even HAVE tap dance here!

Henry: My mom didn't get the lead. So she killed the instructor.

Emma: That seems to be a nasty habit she's getting into.

Henry: Hey, speaking of nasty habits, I think you should tell me about my father.

Emma: Well...I...uh....no!

Henry: Puppy eyes!

Emma: Okay!

Emma: Hey, what just happened?

Henry: Okay, I'm going to fill this in myself and see if I get it right. My dad....was a ninja.

Emma*Is sarcastic* Mm-hmm.

Henry: And then one day you two met and you were both soooo awesome at fighting crime together.


Henry: And then you guys saved babies, fed puppies, rescued whales, and the stork brought me to you.

Emma*Can't believe what she's hearing*

Henry: And then he went off to fight more crime and you were so scared that the bad guys might come after me that you gave me up for adoption.

Emma*Laughs* *Snorts*

Emma: Sure! You just believe that. Oh, I never met a man that I hated as much as I hated your father!

Henry: Well that's how I choose to believe it.

Emma" *Feels bad*

Henry: *Sniffles*

Emma: D'aw, Henry!

Emma: Yes, he was a ninja.

*Is starting to feel happy*

Emma: And a....pirate.

Henry: *Is secretly squeeing*

Emma: But these kids don't get awesome parents like me and your dad. They have to deal with whatever promises I break to them.

Emma: So you better be grateful.

Henry: So when do I get to meet him?!

Emma: Uh....uh.....

Emma: Oh, look at that. I think I might know how to find their parents.

Emma: I'm going to go do that now.

*Nibble Nibble*

Emma: this is my baby blanket!
*Waits for a reaction*

Ava: Uh....that's exciting for you?

*Is annoyed*

Emma: Anything you want to add, peanut gallery?


Emma: I've had to deal with a lot but when I was growing up I always had my blankie....It makes for a better companion than most men I've dated. It doesn't say anything and it'll always make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Ava: Listen, we already had to deal with Mary Margaret showing us her ten albums of you and her on all your friend night since you got here. Where are you going with this?

Emma: OMG! Just do you have something that your parents might have given you?

Ava: WE have this. It's most like a man. It hangs on and does absolutely nothing.

Emma: It FIGURES you two would just happen to have an antique.

Ava: Is that a problem.

Emma: It's not going to be one for you guys but it's definitely going to be one for me!

Ava: If I help you find our father then you have to promise me that we won't get separated!

Emma: I would...but I'd be lying!

Nicolas: I don't get it.

Ava: Shut up Nick!

Gretel: Get over here Hansel; you're not supposed to be lookout when the threat is on the INSIDE of the house!

Hansel: Hey! Pretty!

Gretel: You idiot! That's on the OUTSIDE of the house! You want to know how much dirt and bugs are probably hidden in there?

*My Heaven*

Gretel: Mission control? I'm in.

Hansel*Is bouncing* Hey! What about me?! Can I have a boost?

Gretel: Would you hurry up! You know it's about time you put that mime skill to good use and shut up!

Hansel: I don’t want to be a mime anymore!

Hansel: Is that a camera behind you?

*X-Files and Buffy stars. OUaT is certainly rolling out the red carpet!*

Gretel: Well. Found it! That wasn't too difficult at all!

Gretel: Hey, try not to screw up as soon as my back is turned okay?

Hansel: Promises!

Hansel: Hey pretty!

*Is being stealthy*

Hansel: Well, it's not AS SOON AS her back is turned so I'm not breaking any promises!

Blind Witch: How am I not sensing anyone is right beside me?

Gretel: Got it!

Hansel: Got it!

*Car alarm goes off*

Blind Witch: Got you!

*Yep. This is a show for all ages!*

Gretel: Oh no! We're trapped!

Blind Witch: It's so nice when you're a humanitarian

Gretel: I hope she eats you first!

Emma: I'm hating this! I'm hating this!

Mr. Gold: Hiiii Emma!

Emma: Can you NOT do that?

Mr. Gold: I think it makes me adorable.

Emma: Oh. I don't.

Mr. Gold: Is that an 'I'm sorry for breaking up with you ten minutes after I accepted your proposal' gift?

Emma: Sure. I just put it in the table so you keep your hands to yourself.

Mr. Gold: Wait a minute! It doesn't even work!

Emma: Yeah, it's cracked. Much like my skull would have to be if I ever accepted any kind of proposal from you ever again.

Mr. Gold: I can see myself! Hey wait a minute, what am I wearing?! It's like a...orangeish reddish tie with a purple shirt!

Mr. Gold: I REALLY have to stop picking my clothes before I wake up after my coffee.

*Is waiting for some innuendo*

Emma: So...since I'm hoping you might also be an antiques expert...would you happen to know where one could get something like this?

Mr. Gold: I hear the Ice Cream shop sells antiques like this.

Emma: I've been there. They all said to come to you.

Mr. Gold: You went to every store here before you came to me, didn't you?

Mr. Gold: *Sniffles* That really hurts Emma!

Emma: I don't even see a tear on your face!

Mr. Gold: I have dry eyes! Leave me alone!

Mr. Gold: So I'm guessing you also want a name.

Mr. Gold: Well, let me go to my records so you don't become too suspicious when I just randomly know who it was...I mean because I can’t' remember on account that this store is always busy and the faces blur together!

Mr. Gold: Oh and just letting you know that when I talked to Archie last his act was so successful that he's taking it on tour...around the town. He's thrilled.

Emma*Is trying to pretend she doesn’t care* Good for...him.

Mr. Gold: Ha! I found it

Mr. Gold: Now let's discuss payment. ..if you know what I mean.

Emma: I'm not doing anything that requires any sort of physical contact.

Mr. Gold: You don't need to have physical contact to date...just don't tell Archie that okay? I sort of told him you guys were just hanging out when he thought he was dating you.

Emma: I don't think dating you would be safe for either of our health.

Mr. Gold: Well, then you don't get the card and you have to deal with whoever dreams you might be responsible for crushing this week Regina....I mean Emma.

Emma: Fine.

Mr. Gold: Hm? I didn't hear you.

Emma: I said OKAY!

*Storms out*

Mr. Gold: Wait! You forgot his name! It's Michael Tillman!

Emma: *Mutters not-so-nice phrases under her breath*

*Mr. Gold is a liar? But that's impossible to believe!*

*I refused to believe that his name is anything other than Krycek*

Krycek: I refuse to believe that those kids are mine. They don’t even look like me! And besides, it was only just once!

Emma: Don’t you watch Maury?! Alex Michael Tillman Krycek you ARE the father. I know that not based on DNA but based on a compass and the honest word of Mr. Gold!

Krycek: Wait…A COMPASS?!

Krycek: I thought I lost that! This TOTALLY means they’re my kids!

Emma: Really?!

Krycek: Or the woman that I had a one camp stand with and didn’t really know and according to my false memories never told me about my children STOLE it!

Emma: Finding someone to dump these kids off on shouldn’t be this easy.

Krycek: What do you want me to do? I don’t know how to be a father! I showed more emotion for this compass than I did for them! And how convenient is it that you showed up when they’re both 12 years old!

Emma: Well good! It means that you’re 2/3rds of the way there!

Krycek: 12 years old is when the hormones start kicking in! What makes you think I want to deal with that?!

Emma: Because this is really about me and my regret of giving Henry away, that’s why!

Krycek: What? Again?

Emma: Don’t give me that attitude! I have a lot of crap to go through and we have to remind new viewers what’s going on!


Emma: We don’t want to get bogged down in our own mythology unlike OTHER shows that OTHER people in this scene have been in that will not be named!

Emma*Breathes heavily*

Emma: Sorry.

Krycek: Well, be that as it may. I refuse to take care of these kids. Let them grow up in the system! What’s the worst that could happen?

Krycek: Since I apparently am the only person in the town that hasn’t heard about your horrible past in the foster system.

Krycek: See ya!

Emma: Well, that didn’t go as well as I was obviously hoping! Wait...now I have to date Mr. Gold for nothing!

Mary: Yeah, you kids keep eating me out of house and home and I’m just going to call Emma and demand to know why I’M stuck babysitting you while she runs all around town.

Mary: You know bestie, I think I’m doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship!

Emma: I’m going to tell you something and you can’t let the kids know, okay?

Mary: What do you mean their dad doesn’t want them?!

Emma: MARY!

Mary: Oh….crap.

Emma: So you just ruined their whole day, huh?

Mary: Well the truth will set you free! It may shut you up in a foster home right afterwards but it’ll set you free!

Emma: Yeah, but I gave them my word!

Mary: And how’s that working out for you? 

Emma: Last time in episode 4 it went great! I was kind of hoping for a repeat performance.

Regina: Except I’m not Mr. Gold and this isn’t about a pregnant woman that Mr. Gold really doesn’t care about and just really wants you under his favor.

Mary: Mr. Gold did all that for YOU?!
Emma: Now is SO not the time for this Mary!

Regina: Well, get them to Boston or start crying. Don’t care which. If you don’t, I’m going to stick your body to the collection I have hidden in that boarded up building behind us.

Mary: *Sob*

Regina: I wasn’t talking to YOU!

Gretel: Well, sitting there and crying and screaming was obviously a plan that didn’t work out well.

Blind Witch: I’m gonna eat well tonight!

*Karate chops arm*



Hansel: What in the heck was that?

Blind Witch: Oh oven, your heat does the most irritating things to my hair!

*Dries nails*

Gretel: I think it’s safe to say that she’s insane.

Gretel: Alright here’s the plan. You stand there and do absolutely nothing and when she drags you out then grab the key and throw it to me and I’ll let myself out and run!....I mean push her down and bludgeon her to death to protect on!

Blind Witch: Doesn’t it concern me that I’m suddenly getting a rise in my favorite combo platter these past few weeks?

Hansel: Throwing a key is too much work!

Gretel: Fine! I’ll handle it. Since I seem to be the only one that DOES anything for this family!

Blind Witch: Sorry about the weird bars on the cell. When I was designing it, the Evil Queen kept turning the door around when I was putting the bars in so it ended up all silly looking.

*Is trying to pretend she’s her brother*

Blind Witch: Did you suddenly hit a growth spurt or something? Eh, whatever.

Blind Witch: Oh well, there are a lot of unanswered questions about who you are and why you keep showing up that I don’t seem to bother asking..

*Punches in the midsection*

*Is unlocking*

Hansel: Don’t worry sis! I’ll save you!

*This is also about the time I face palmed*

Blind Witch: Hey you!

Hansel: Please don’t hurt me! I’ll set my useless level to kill!

Blind Witch: RAWR!

*Somersaults* *Pushes*


Gretel: Quick! Shove her in the oven!

Hansel: W00t for premeditated murder!

*Well that was easy. Why couldn’t they just do that in the first place?*

Blind Witch: Why can’t I unlock something simple?

*Is feeling the heat of her situation*

Evil Queen: Let’s just sit here and pretend that I had something to do with it.

Evil Queen: I hate it when I have to change out of that snazzy outfit because the blood of the innocent gets on it!

Gretel: How did we know where to find you?!

*Seems like an awful big room just to have a couch and mirror in.

Evil Queen: See you later Ralphie *Waves*
Live long and rock on.

Evil Queen: Well, since you’re alive I can only assume that you got what I want. Not that….I was watching or anything


Evil Queen: Neither of you peeked or anything did you?

Evil Queen: Yes! My fakey looking apple!

Hansel: Why couldn’t you just…make a magic apple yourself? I mean you GROW these things don’t you?

Evil Queen: You are about to get this chunked at your head.

*Is silent*

 Evil Queen: Now here it is where I blather more about my revenge.

Gretel: So yeah…about our dad….

Evil Queen: Why are you worrying about your silly father when you can live in my sparsely decorated palace?!

Gretel: Um…because I’m pretty sure that this black palace and little lighting would mess up our vision for life?

Evil Queen: And what do you think?

*Is a mime*

*In annoyed*

Evil Queen: Well, I have to say that after all the kids I sent to that place…

Evil Queen: It just had to be you two that got the deed done!

Evil Queen: *Is muttering* Lucky me.

Gretel: So…how does that work exactly? Have you been going back and forth in the forest this whole time looking for random people in the woods with children?

Evil Queen: Yes silly!

Evil Queen: Didn’t it work out great?!

Evil Queen: How would you two like to live here as a reward?

*Blows raspberries*

Evil Queen: What was that?!

Gretel: You just told us that you sent children away to their deaths so you can get a fakey looking apple! Why would we want to stay after that? What’s WRONG with you?!

Hansel: Actually it sounded like a pretty cool deal to me.

Gretel: So now that we know you’re creepy and sent countless children to their deaths, how about you tell us where our dad is?

Evil Queen*Makes buzzing sound* Wrong answer. I decided you suck!

*Are in a tornado…thing*

Evil Queen: Don’t forget to write!

Emma: Alright kids, time to get rid of you!

Emma: Look on the bright side, at least you can tell everyone at the foster homes that you rode in the back of a police car at the age of 12…that always gains respect.

Ava: Yeah…THAT’S something to put on my resume.


Regina: Don’t think I didn’t notice you dressing those kids as slow as possible Ms. Swan! Why is it night all of a sudden?

Regina: Well Henry, don’t you dare go over there and talk to your birth mom, we need to go home!

*Runs over to his birth mom*
Regina: Oh my, Henry disobeyed me again!

Henry: Don’t do this Emma! If you back over my mom then we can take the kids and Mr. Gold will hide them!

Emma: Henry, get your fingers off my window or I’m going to roll it up and you can run alongside the car to Boston! 

*Gets handprints on the window*

Emma: I will not cry. I will not cry.


: YES!

Emma: Why did I wait till night to take you kids anyway?

Nicolas: So are we gonna like…explode if we leave the town?
Ava: We’re remarkably calm for siblings about to be separated.

Emma: Oh no, the car is conveniently shutting down!

Ava: Wait…that’s it? I wanted to see Nicolas explode!

Emma: I’ll just…call a garage…the only garage in town where your father works at in a way that is NOT a ploy to get you guys to reunite.

Evil Queen: My pprrreeccciioouusss

Grumpy: So…you wanna pretend like you’re a dwarf so we can pass you off as the first female dwarf ever?

Evil Queen: She’s sort of happy? What kind of crap is that?!

Krycek!Dad: Listen, I know that we trespassed and I’m sorry but do you really have to play a loop of Shrek 3 for me to watch? Do we really deserve that kind of a punishment?!

Ralphie*Smacks upside the head*

Krycek!Dad: My kids are out there!

Evil Queen: Your kids are HORRIBLE! I can understand why you were running out of the forest to abandon them!

Krycek!Dad: But I didn't! Wait...is that the rumor going around?

Evil Queen: Why do they love YOU so much?! X-Files is a ship that sailed LONG ago. This show is where it’s at now, why don’t they like me?

Krycek!Dad: Really? This is something that you can’t figure out? No wonder people want Rumpelstiltskin to be the main villain! You admitted to them that you sent countless kids to their death!

*Is struggling not to cry*

Evil Queen: Oh yeah?! Well you’ll…never see them again!

Krycek!Dad: No!

Evil Queen: Yes!

Krycek!Dad: No! No!

Evil Queen: Yes! Yes!

Gretel: Oh no, I hate it when our heavy partying ends up with us out in the woods!

Gretel: Hansel, get your lazy backside up!

Hansel: Did dad try and abandon us again?! Or was this our fault?

Gretel: I have no idea. I think we were swept up in a tornado and dropped here. Does this also make us Dorothy Gale?


Gretel: No Hansel. Only you.

Hansel: Are we there yet?
Gretel: Silence Toto

*Wonder if they’ll bump into Sam and Frodo on the way towards those mountains*

Emma: Ugh, MrGold. Stop texting me! I’m wearing what I always wear!

Ava: Nick! Our compass is suddenly working!

*Krycek has one crazy magnet in his head*

Emma: Hey dude! What’s up?

Krycek: You better have a good reason as to why you dragged me out of Archie’s stand-up comedy act for you!

Emma: Oh well sorry to ruin YOUR life because you’d rather ruin the lives of your children!

Ava: Quick Nick! Summon the power of your puppy eyes!

Krycek: Wait, this is all a trap isn’t it?

Emma: Mmmaaayyyybbeeee.

Krycek: I’m leaving!

Emma: Hold on! If you let them go then they WILL come back and find you because now they know your face! And if you didn’t regret it before then you certainly will when they’re trying to murder you out of revenge!

Krycek: That can happen?!

Emma: I know that’s what I plan to do!

*Puppy Power!*

Krycek: Hey! Do you want me as your dad?!

Ava: Well Henry built up Mr. Gold to be far cooler than you! But I suppose you’ll work.  

*Is insulted*

Emma: Aw! I just reunited a family!

Krycek: So…you kids wanna come live with me? You’ll have to probably sleep in the garage until I can actually give you some beds but…what can you do?

*Are terrified*

Emma: Aw! Sacred!

Emma: Wait. Shouldn’t there be a process to letting him have custody?

Mr. Gold: Hiiii Emma!

Emma: Gah! What’re you doing here?!

Mr. Gold: *Singsong Voice* Daaate Niiiggghht.

Mary: And she knows that heee is unfaithful and it killlsss herrr insidddeee!

Emma: I hate my life.

Mary: I heard someone had a date night!

Emma: It was horrible! Mr. Gold took me to Archie’s stand-up comedy act in order to show support. But when Archie saw me with him they started arguing ,and Archie jumped off the stage and gave him a full body tackle right out of his chair and they started rolling on the ground fighting.

Mary: Aw! Rivalries!

Emma: And then by the time I broke them up and got them in handcuffs in the back of the police car they were laughing and being friends again. They even asked me to take their picture so they could remember their first night in the slammer.

Emma: I don’t think I’ll ever understand that friendship.

Emma: I get nightmares just thinking about it.

Mary*Sniffles* Mr. Gold always put Archie’s friendship above that of his girlfriends.

Emma: Ugh, if it wasn’t for reuniting children with their possible father then this night would’ve been totally one I’d like to forget.

Emma: Hey! How funny would it be if you were like…my mom?

Mary: We can’t be mother and daughter silly! We’re besties!

Emma: Well Henry thinks you’re Snow White and I’m your kid according to the book that you gave him.

Mary: That makes no sense!

Mary: Maybe I should’ve read that thing before just randomly giving it to him.

Mary: So how does Bestie Bingo Night sound?

Emma: Emma Bedtime sounds far better.

Emma: But I think I’m going to go sleep in the car for a little bit. Mr. Gold said he was drunk when I was locking him up and if he made bail could he come home with me? I need to get that mental image out of my head.

Mary: He could sleep on the couch.
Emma: I don’t think that’s where he wanted to sleep Mary.

Mary: Aw, cute blanket! It even looks like my stitchmanship.

Emma: Uh huh. *Leaves* Don’t swipe that thing Mary. I know you’ve been wearing my clothes!

*Smells for…some reason. Must be a baby thing*

*Music swells*

Mary: Hm. Smells like spit up.

*Fans pause to search for clues*

Henry: HI!

Emma: Gah! Henry what time is it?! You should be at home!

Henry: I bought you some pie as a treat for you dating my stepdad! The video is viral and I saw you hugging him!

Emma: That wasn’t hugging Henry, that was me holding him back from Archie.

Henry: Good enough.

Emma*Struggles not to throw up*

Emma: Alright Henry, since you just ruined the sacredness of my car, I’m going home.

Henry: Blocked!
Emma: Let go of me!

Henry: I wasn’t hugging you I was keeping you from leaving! See how that lie doesn’t work?!

Emma: D’aw Henry. IF it wasn’t for the pie I would pick you up and take you home.

Henry: All the kids at school were jealous to hear that my dad was a pirate and a ninja.

Emma: Well….that’s why I could never marry Mr. Gold. Because your father could never be replaced!

*Is on a motorcycle*

Stranger: Hello *Runs hands through hair like a model*

Emma: Nevermind kiddo. I don’t mind replacing your dad with THAT!

Stranger: You’re fine!  

Henry: It hasn’t even been two episodes since Graham died! Come on! Mr. Gold won’t even have a chance if they keep popping in!

Stranger: Aw. *Pinches Henry’s cheeks* So cute!

Emma: Well if you want to stay here indefinitely then there’s a place down the street! *Giggles*
Henry: *Is plotting his death*

Stranger: Awesome! Bbyyyeee Emma!

Henry: Hmph! He’s not so great.

*Looks sexy*

Emma: *Happy Sigh*

Emma: Hey Henry, guess what! …..Graham who?

Henry: He will never win you!

The End

I own nothing.

Archie and Gold: Best friends forever.

Don’t expect a new episode till about Thursday.

1 comment:

  1. I would say this one is the funniest one yet!