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Saturday, February 16, 2013

121- Apple as Red as Blood

Regina: How tedious. I actually had to cook something for you.

Henry: You bought it preheated from the store, mom.

Regina: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

*Jams oversized piece in her mouth*

Henry: I don’t even think this is cooked!

Regina: Well I did order for them to strip it right off the cow’s bone…oh I think I just bit into one.

Henry: Oh, someone’s at the door. You answer it; I’ll stay here and think murderous thoughts!

Emma: HUGZ!

Regina: Well I can’t say I’m surprised at this…I’ve murdered one lover and framed up the other one and they were the only ones that ever stopped by until you came around….

Emma: Henry invited me here to come and gut you like a stuffed pig.

Regina: I must be dreaming. He wouldn’t be that unimaginative.

*Why does Archie look like he’s on the verge of cracking up?*
Crowd: One of us. One of us. One of us.
Emma: HUGZ!

Henry: Oops, looks like the perpetrator was me in the front hall with the rope.

Regina: This is ridiculous. I’m not even going to dignify this by even pretending I’m scared or that this is reality.

*Nice Pajamas Dopey, glad to know you wanted to dress up for the occasion.*

Grumpy: I say we nuke her!

Regina: Oh just because I ripped away your happiness is in no reason to get violent!

Jiminy: I’m going to need some help Red, it’s been awhile since I had human hands.
Granny: She needs to FEEEL our pain.
Red: Like, shut up Granny! If you get intense then Rumpelstiltskin is TOTALLY going to hone in on that.

Mary: I can’t believe you ripped away our love and framed me to take the fall for someone’s death!
Charming: And I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Henry: That’s right, cut off her circulation nice and neat.

Emma: Crush!
Regina: My new shoes!

Regina: I just wanted to win or something…yeah now that seems kind of stupid now that I realize that I just pissed off far more people then I actually helped…

Emma: *Actual dialogue* You took away our happiness, now it’s our turn to take away yours *Not actual dialogue* And by happiness, we mean your life.

*Henry glare infinity*

Henry: I wanna do it!
Emma: Back off Henry, this is an adult job.
Henry: I’m entitled, I had to live with her for ten years AND get called crazy and get abused by everyone here.
Group: Go HOME, Henry!


Emma: Pointy End decapitation!

Regina: What was in that lasagna?!
*Yeah, her being sympathetic is automatically reduced when you think about the fact that she intended for David to be right next to her by this point*  

Regina: Great, now I have to go to the bathroom!

*Didn’t Henry just grab his coat in the last episode?  When did he do all this?*

Regina: Well, he has no habit of running away. I’m sure not checking for him will be fine.

Regina: I wonder if there’s anyway way to return to the dream that features Graham in a tutu.

 Henry: So…I didn’t pack any of my stuff…kinda left everything behind back there…

Emma: Well, I’ve been packed since the moment I arrived, Henry. I don’t see what your problem is.

Henry: Wait, we’re leaving now?!

Emma: This JUST occurred to you?

Henry: You can’t leave! We haven’t brutally murdered Regina yet.

Emma: Oh Henry, shut up.

Henry: And Mr. Gold! We can’t leave him! He needs us! We’re his only reasons for living!
Emma: Granny said he tells her the same thing when he’s drunk.

Henry: All those lessons…all that hope of being like him when I grow up…it’ll be for…nothing?

Henry: Well, NOT TODAY!


*C4 Leroy hid explodes*


Henry: *Grabs by the coat lapels* I have a pretty good setup here woman, don’t you dare think of ruining this for me now that I’m so close to getting everything that I want. Now are you going to do what I tell you, or am I going to have to turn this car around young lady?

Emma: *Is horrified*

Paxington: Morons.

George: Did you really think I would let you get away?
Charming: Is that what you told your wife when she tried to run off on your wedding night?
George: You’d be surprised at how many times I’ve had to say that.

Crowd: We’re surprisingly okay with watching our king murder his son.

George: You could’ve had everything. Our people could’ve survived but you decided to follow…love. You idiot.

Charming: So I take it that Midas wasn’t grateful for me rescuing the love of his daughter’s life?!

George: Stop complaining. I had to marry my wife and I hated her guts but you don’t see me whining, do you?

Charming: That’s my fake mommy you’re talking about!

George: Oh for heaven’s sakes not!James, you never even met her! And don’t ask us what happened to your real mom, because I threatened to have her killed if you didn’t do what I wanted and you did what you wanted anyway. Guess she’s dead.

Charming: No! Not real mommy! I forgot I had one!

George: Kind of a…scrawny turnout for executions this year…

Charming: Hey! What’s this?
Lloyd: Just something we use to cut the lettuce heads with.
Charming: Ooooo! Can I see?
Frank: It WOULD be extremely fitting.
Charming: I think I just got insulted….

George: I can’t believe I insisted that you guys move my throne all the way down here for something that’s going to take less than half a minute tops.

Charming: I don’t see why I just can’t slip my head out from this…

*Is falling*

*Is water*

Charming: So…my death sentence is to catch a cold?

George: *Is annoyed* Who forgot what the real guillotine looked like and grabbed the trick one that we use at parties instead?

Regina: How dare you stage a public execution WITHOUT INVITING ME FIRST!?

George: The worst thing about a woman ruling is that she’s also wearing pants. What is the realm coming to?

Regina: Well someone’s got to wear them, “Dress Boy”

Charming: Um….have we met?

Regina: I’ll buy Charming off you for…I don’t know. I’ll give you money or something and hope that everyone here doesn’t let the werewolf overhear that I took your daughter and left.

Charming: I’m a boy!

Regina: Oh should I say…your FAKE son?

George: How on earth do YOU know that it’s my fake son?

Regina: As I was saying…I’ll buy the little princess over there from you and give you exactly what Midas owes you.
George: Why didn’t I just make an alliance with you?
Regina: And by alliance you mean…?
George: Marriage. Yeah.
Guards* Are slamming Charming’s head into the seat of the guillotine repeatedly*

Charming: Daddy, please don’t make me go with the mean looking lady!

Mr. Gold: Ugh, Marriage vows…let’s see…I vow not to abandon or imprison you as soon as I become king…yeah, that’ll win her heart.

Mr. Gold: I don’t even know why I bother to hang a closed sign up anymore…

Regina: Have you been poisoning my apples again?

Mr. Gold: Not since last Tuesday.

Regina: It HAS been you all these years?
Mr. Gold: *Is smug.* Now just because I poisoned your tree a half billion times in the last 28 years, is NO reason to come accusing me just because it happened again.

Regina: Well then why is my tree dying?
Mr. Gold: How should I know? I’m not your gardener!

Regina: “I” think it’s a sign that the curse is weakening.
Mr. Gold: Really?  You didn’t figure that out when people started getting their happy endings and time started moving again? You ARE slow.

Regina: Well this was your curse so you better think of something quickly to help me keep all of this intact. When people wake up and remember who you are then you’re in trouble as well. I’m pretty sure I could outrun you.

Mr. Gold: This is really about my stepson, isn’t it?

Regina: Yeah, it still gets creepier and creepier every time you jump with glee over the idea that you’re going to be his dad. Not that It’ll happen of course. It’ll be over my dead body.

Mr. Gold: Ooooooo, That could be EASILY arranged.

Mr. Gold: You just might have to fork Henry over to Emma to keep the curse unbroken…don’t ask me how that works because that’ll make Emma and Mary Margaret happy. But it’s not like I’m personally invested in this situation of getting a kid back at ALL.

Regina: Rumpie, you have a lot of essplainin’ to do….

Mr. Gold: Look woman, I’m getting married tomorrow and you want to kill the woman that I’ve expressed creepy admiration for. Do you know what’ll happen if she dies?

Regina: The curse will be broken?

Mr. Gold: Exactly. So would your bones if you ruin my chances at becoming a king. Don’t ask me how Emma dying would break the curse. I guess it’s something I just threw in there to keep her safe.

Regina: I kind of wish the writers went into more depth about this little piece of information because up until now I could’ve just killed her without even knowing it would break the curse!

Mr. Gold: Listen, I don’t care about you and this keeping the curse intact thing! I thought you would’ve figured this all out when I kept helping my darling fiancé get one over on you!

Mr. Gold: Now if you’ll excuse me, Henry and I have to get fitted for our matching tuxedos.

Mr. Gold: Ooo shiny!

Regina: Wait, you want the curse broken? Why?

Mr. Gold: I can’t believe she hasn’t figured this out by episode two!

Regina: Don’t bother answering me; you can shove your reasons!

Mr. Gold: Well, you’re the one that brought it up!

Mr. Gold: Listen, I don’t have time for this. I have my honeymoon to plan in which we are NOT coming back. You should plan a trip too.

Mr. Gold: Disneyworld, here I come.

Regina: Any chance I could hitch a ride on the same plane as you?
Mr. Gold: *Is irritated*

Mr. Gold: No!

Mr. Gold: This honeymoon’s for adults only. And I don’t think you’ll want to be on the same plane or hotel floor as us when I finally succeed in seducing Emma.


Regina: *Has imagined Mr. Gold with Emma*
MR. Gold: *Spins globe* Whhheeeeeeee!

Regina: Hope Jefferson finds this before Paige does….again.

Emma: Crap, you’re awake.

Mary: And where do you think you’ve been, young lady?

Emma: Um…out?

Mary: You were leaving, weren’t you? Everyone always leaves! I couldn’t tell because you didn’t leave a note, but I did consider it when you drove off yelling ‘see ya, bestie’ and your room was cleaned out. I also considered you were getting packed because you were getting married tomorrow, but then I realized you were happy when you were driving off and I knew MARRIAGE couldn’t have been it.

Mary: And so do you mind telling me where you really were? Or am I going to shut you up in your room until you do?

Emma: I might’ve…been planning to abduct Henry and run away…

Mary: And how does that sound to you?

Emma: It did sound like a good solid plan until Henry made me break my rear axle.

Mary: And if Regina ran off with Henry, would you have been okay with that?

Emma: Pfft, why would she do that? She LIVES in town.

Emma: Besides! I’m an adult and I can do whatever I want.

Mary: Not while you’re living under my roof, young lady! Now go to your room and think about what you did!



Mary: Room. Now. Or…bed…because I don’t think this place has walls, but you don’t leave from there until you’re ready to apologize for scaring me to death!

Mary: I swear, I think you got your decision making skills from your father!

Snow: So does anyone know how to get over that wall?

Granny: Catapults
Grumpy: Fairy air support.
Snow: Derriere support? What?!
Grumpy: Get your wig out from your ears, I said FAIRY AIR SUPPORT.

Grumpy: Apparently someone owes me a favor…and no, I’m not going into any more detail.
Snow: Oooooo, Grumpy.
Grumpy: Don’t make it sound dirty!
Granny: Darnit, he’s taken.

Red: Like, hi everyone. Why do you keep trying to leave me behind?


Snow: What have you conveniently heard?

Granny: And when exactly did you get control of your werewolfitis?

Red: Like…shut up granny. Charming’s in the dungeon and your step mom’s here. Some people are saying that she’s in George’s chambers too but I didn’t hear anything after that because I was racing to get some mind bleach…

*Are in desperate need of some as well*

Snow: Well, if everyone wants to leave then…go ahead and go! I can’t ask you to sacrifice yourselves any more than you already have!

Grumpy: See ya!
Granny: Bye!
Happy: I hated this idea from the start anyway…

Red: Like…that went well. My gosh bestie, what did you do to piss her off?  

Snow: I destroyed her happiness…or

Snow: …something…I’m not entirely sure…

Regina: New love slave is looking mighty naïve this time around…

Charming: I’m in a kennel…I HATE kennels.

Regina *Is looking at the goods* So I heard that you and your twin are practically the same in every shape and form which is a shame because I was hoping that you’d be far more endowed than he was in every definition of the term.

Charming: If it’s ain’t on the menu, then it’s not for sale, cleavagealicious.

Regina: Oooo, let’s see how noble you are when I rip your heart out and force you to bend to my every request.

Charming: That sounds dirty.

Regina: And then I will make both you and the Huntsman dress up in little bear costumes and chase each other around!  It’ll be so cute!

Charming: Will there be lasagna and ping pong?

Regina: Oh Charming…I HATE ping pong and lasagna.

Regina: Neener neener neener!

Charming: NOES! I have NO idea what that’s supposed to be!

Jefferson: My shoes are here.

Regina: Well, it’s about time. Although I can see your reluctance because you’re supposed to be in jail by now. Where HAVE you been hiding?

Jefferson: Mr. Gold and I have been roommates. It’s awkward and I hate it because dust covers all the reflective surfaces and he takes longer in front of the mirror than I do so I can’t admire myself.

Regina: Sounds like a sitcom.

Jefferson: And that’s not even the worse part. Apparently he and the cricket are best friends and so whenever he comes over, Gold picks me up and throws me in the nearest closet and barricades me in…and when I ask why he says…

Mr. Gold: Archie is VERY protective of his best friend status. If he senses that you might try and take it well….let’s not repeat the debacle of ’92 okay?

Jefferson: I don’t even WANT to be friends with Gold. He’s taking my woman. So my life is all kinds of suck right now. Maybe I should just kill you…unless you give me a good reason why not-

Regina: Plot demands me to live.

Jefferson: Darn, I won’t even try even though you separated me from my daughter and made sure I’d never reunite with her here.

Regina: Oh tosh! I made sure to invite you to my office where there are enough reflective surfaces to make you feel right at home. You can at LEAST hear me out. Oh yeah, and you’ll be hunted down.

Regina: Applejuice?

Jefferson: If I kill you, then it’s going to be declared a town holiday and everyone will lift me on their shoulders and sing about how great I am. Now I know I do that anyway but it’ll be nice to hear someone else do it.

Regina: You’re helping me whether you like it or not!

Jefferson: Ha ha! She won’t notice that I’m holding this letter opener…*Checks self out* Oh my…who is that handsome devil?

Jefferson: IT’s my hat! AW! I missed you pretty hat!

Regina: So…where exactly did you go when you fell in the one that Emma made that we don’t speak of again?

Jefferson: Landed in my bed. The plan was to take Emma with me and I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for her meddling mother. She was TOTALLY into me. I don't blame her at all...

Jefferson: Have you seen my neck scar? It walked off and I can’t find it anywhere…

Regina: Between you and me…why didn’t we just jump worlds in the first place?

Regina: Ooo, look at that widdle hat! Are you weady ready to be used!?

Jefferson: Well, you DID break your word and leave me alone after getting myself decapitated and probably didn’t take care of my kid and kept us separated. But then again Emma and Mary Margaret totally double teamed me and kicked me out a giant three foot drop. Who should I support? Decisions….decisions….

Regina: You could…I don’t know…restart or something. I could make you forget even though it’s been established that I don’t have much magic left. But if you forget how will you know that I honored your deal and you get your kid back? And why would I even think I could make you forget anyway? That TOTALLY backfired with Rumpelstiltskin.

Jefferson: *Gasp* I totally see myself in your eyeballs!

Jefferson: *Jefferson winning smirk* Hey you!

*Puckers at his reflection*

Regina: *Is mentally crying* You could find a way to work the hat.

Jefferson: *Is bored* Or I could just kill you. How fascinating that we’ve come all the way back to that.

Regina: Aw, for old times sake!

Jefferson: I automatically trust you! Although it probably isn’t the best time to let you know that I was rooting for Emma and was willing to help her 3 episodes ago…

Regina: What was that?!


Jefferson: Nothing! Nothing….

Regina: Nice guyliner by the way.

Jefferson: You’re just jealous that it looks better on me and not you.

Snow: You know, all this would’ve been for naught had Regina not interfered and saved Charming’s life…would’ve been awkward to storm the city and find his head on a pike…


Snow: Hm. Darn. She noticed we sent her ahead to deal with the main forces

Happy (At least I think): Dwarves are KNOWN for their archery!

Group: Hi ho, hi ho, to mass slaughter we go. Granny is our secret weap, hi ho. Hi ho, hi ho-

Grumpy: I miss Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves.
*So do we Grumpy, so do we.*

*Look at that range. Happy should go to the Olympics*


*Don’t ask why the fairies sound like bees *

Grumpy: I have to go to the bathroom…
Snow: Didn’t you go before we left?
Grumpy: We left a day ago! You haven’t let us stop since!

Snow: I’ll make a man…out of YYOOUUU! Ow. Ropeburn.

Snow: Ha ha! I’m a ninja!

Frank: Hey you!

Snow: EEEK!

Grumpy: Maybe the catapult thing wasn’t such a bad idea….

Lloyd: Hey you!

Snow: Eeek!


Snow: I’m winning! *Pumps fist*

Not Frank or Lloyd: Hey you!

Grumpy: My murderous streak begins!

Snow: Holy aiming skills batman!

Snow: That was almost my head…

Grumpy: The blood of people just doing their job…yyyeaaahhhhh.

Snow: What do we have here? Innocent civilians? All the more better to-


*Takes out 15 men in five seconds*
Snow: Hooray for bloodless carnage!

Doc: Shall I show you my medical degree pickaxe!? *Slaughters* Trust me, I’m a doctor!

*I’m not even going to comment on how humiliating it is that these supposedly trained soldiers got owned by seven dwarves and a princess that they probably KNEW would eventually show up*

Happy: I’m nuts! Stir crazy! I’ll blow my top! Whoa!

Snow: And no casualties on our side?
Happy: Eh, Granny got brutally slaughtered but I Think she’ll be fine.

Frank: Alright, we’re just going to settle this with a dance off! We’ve been practicing and are already in formation!

Blue Fairy: Don’t ask why I’ve suddenly decided to help the heroes even though it’s been established that Fairies don’t interact all THAT much in the human world as told in “Dreamy” but LET’S MAKE THEM WISH THEY’D NEVER BEEN UNWILLINGLY CONSCRIPTED!

Grumpy: Ha HA! We’re insane!

Frank: Sleeping gas?! Why couldn’t you have just done that in the first place?!

Snow: Don’t ask why we’re not affected…seeing as we’re right here breathing it in and all…

Henry: Can’t wait to see it, can’t wait to see it…oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…

August: Ugh it’s you…what do you want?
Henry: Daddy said that you were about to admit defeat and he sent me over to get your words in writing. Let me in.
August: Sorry kid, but you must be THIS tall in order to walk into the-

*Zooms in*
Henry: Ready and waiting!

August: Get out of my room!

Henry: I don’t have all day! I have a tuxedo fitting soon! 

August: FINE. I guess its pointless now since your mom can’t see me for the hand carved mahogany goodness that I am…

Henry: My faith in Golden Swan has been renewed! I doubted for a slight bit…oh yeah and it also confirms my belief that we’re all abridged characters for a show about fairy tale characters but that’s beside the point. You're Pinocchio! And a descendent to those abominations in Gold’s shop that makes mom look ten years older every time she looks at it.

Henry: *Is gleeful* This means that it’s almost over for you right? I can see it now…*Starts singing* August roasting on an open fire…….

Henry: Wait, why are you changing back anyway? I didn’t bother to read the fairy tale, I got bored. Which is probably why it’s attributed to you. By the way, nice job failing on getting my mom to believe. Although it shouldn’t surprise me that you failed, considering you don’t get the girl and all…

August: Because I haven’t been a good boy.
*Holy mother of unintentional creepiness.*

August: Now if the curse doesn’t break then this doesn’t stop and I’ll suffocate…

Henry: I am so willing to hold off on breaking the curse for the next several days to ensure that happens.

August: I’m beginning to think that you don’t want me as your stepfather…

August: But beyond that, I’m going to spend what time I have left with my father even though we don’t have any more scenes after this and the finale is tomorrow.

Henry: As long as you’re out of the running, then I don’t care!

August: *Rolls eyes* I’m out of Operation Cobra even though I only REALLY stepped up to the plate for you last episode.

Henry: *Feels bad* Well…you were a worthy opponent.

August: Oh. Well…you weren’t.



*Sad sigh*

Henry: *Is gleeful* Yes! So long, Woody!

Archie: For the LAST TIME Emma, the answer is ‘no’. I am NOT gonna elope with you because best friends don’t steal each other’s brides the night before the wedding.

Emma: Well it’s either that or help me get Henry. Which one do you dread least?

Archie: Is that honestly a question? Henry’s in therapy and I’m getting income, of course I’m going to take Regina’s side…oh yeah and you don’t have any proof either.

Emma: So then you’re no good to me. How would you like to disappear Archie?

Emma: Oh no, Henry’s starting to rub off on me….

Archie: And that’s why Regina’s house might show a better environment for Henry right now. She’s so evil that not even Henry could sway her.

Emma: Ugh. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today.

Archie: I mean look at the trouble you’ve caused! Henry’s not even supposed to see you right now without Regina’s permission until the writers forgot about that little storyline. Henry’s going to be held back three times over because of how much school he’s skipped. I nearly died because you didn’t watch him well enough even though you knew he was desperate to get into that mine and left him by himself. And you live in a giant box with someone that was previously accused of murder.

Emma: Well I’m about to live in a pink house. Does that make it any better?

Archie: I think that makes it worse actually. And considering the relationship you and your fiancé have….

Emma: Hm. Darn. I don’t think I’m ready to give up on sassing Gold.

Emma: Is Henry at least better off now that I’m in his life?

Archie: I don’t want to answer that for fear of your retaliation. I don’t want to answer that for fear of your retaliation.
*He really doesn’t answer that question*

Emma: Well do you at least thing that she’d hurt him?

Archie: Haven’t you been paying attention? “Think You Love Most,” “Desperate Souls,” and “Fruit of a Poisonous Tree” are just three episodes in which she intentionally goes after you and hurts Henry in the process. Wake up!

Emma: *Feels sad*

Archie: Oh please don’t tell Gold I said that, I didn’t mean to be mean.

Snow: Charming! You’re looking a lot flatter since the last time I saw you!

Charming: I’m not even going to bother to tell you that I’m in a mirror. Don’t know how you can’t notice it but…must be one of those 3D ones….

Snow: *Squees!*

Snow: Huh. I almost feel bad for all the people we just murdered.

Charming: I screamed your name when they were dragging me to the Queen’s palace. I’m pretty sure I saw you wave. It was horrible .I had to ride in the carriage with her. Heh. Talk about awkward. Quick question…do you mind if I sue your kingdom for sexual harassment? Because she needs to learn to keep her hands to herself.

Charming: I don’t mean to freak you out…but Rumpelstiltskin is here too and he’s having a grand old time. He’s leaning on the wall of the prison, telling me how my reflection (Which is you) looks more masculine than I do and that’s why he has fan girls and I have Pound Puppies.

Charming: Hey Snow, read my mind and guess if you can do what I can do in sync with me.

Charming: Darnit. You guessed.

Snow: Well, I suppose that means that we’ll just slaughter more people in order to get to you.

Charming: That’s my girl. It’s about time you stepped up to the plate. Oh, by the way I totally owned Rumpelstiltskin when I came to the castle looking for you.

Snow: You did WHAT?! Dangit Charming, now he’s never going to leave us alone!

Regina: HA! Now he’ll stop trolling my house!

Regina: Anyway, I’m glad you took your hand off the mirror then or else that would’ve looked awkward. Okay, do you know what parlay is?

Snow: EVERYONE who has seen “Pirates of Caribbean” knows what ‘parlay’ means.

Regina: Oh shut up and just meet me where it all began.

Snow: The Garden of Eden? We have one of those?

Snow: So where did you guys put George?
Grumpy: Oh he’s locked in his room and won’t come out to play. I asked him if he wanted to be slaughtered next and he shot through the door with a shotgun. So rude.

Grumpy: Is it really a good idea to disarm yourself completely? I mean…granted your weapons would be useless against her magic but…Where did that canon come from?

Granny: I could make a pretty efficient sniper

Snow: No! You all have given enough or something. I’m sure that going against the bloodthirsty queen with absolutely no backup or plan and who wanted my heart on a platter will end fine! In ten years, we’ll all be laughing about it.

Red: Oh well, we give up.

Snow: And Grumpy, stop with your little ‘interrogations’ of the guards. I know what it is that you’re doing. I can’t afford to lose another 10,000 men like yesterday.

Grumpy: Darnit. And I was having so much fun.

Snow: Yeah I’m not even going to dignify that.

Red: I call dibs on the Jacuzzi! 

Regina: Watch your step. I only come in here about every decade to clean.

Regina: I tried to build my room like the Olympus room in “Clash of the Titans” with all the clay little figurines but then I realized that I didn’t have enough room…

Jefferson: I can’t see myself anywhere. How do you survive in places like this?

Jefferson: I would go insane if I didn’t have myself staring back at my gorgeous figure. I gave Mr. Gold dating tips on how to marry himself you know…

Regina: So….um…now what?

Jefferson: *Is whispering* Turn darnit! Turn! Ugh. No use. You’re going to have to give it some money.

Regina: But I used all my magic money to purchase Graham’s heart to crush!

Jefferson: I THOUGHT it smelled like heart dust in here.

Regina: Here use…I don’t even know what this is in here but use it anyway.

Jefferson: Okay, so you want me to pull the rabbit OUT of the hat, right?

Regina: No Jefferson dangit! We’re going realm jumping!

Regina: Well, I guess this is non-magical ring is the only way to get what I want.

Regina: I have NEVER noticed that before…

Jefferson: Okay, even I’m creeped out by this thing….

Jefferson: I mean…you’re sitting there moping about some dead goofy looking guy when “I” am standing right next to you?

Regina: Just put it down!

*Is rocking*
Jefferson: Don’t squee yet, it’s just the wind. We had a bit of a breeze outside and it carried down in here.

Jefferson: Okay, so here’s the thing. For some reason I automatically know that we can’t cross over but I can bring something back. Don’t ask me how I automatically know this seeing as I come from a world full of magic and this would have never been a problem….I guess I’m telepathically tied to the hat.  So what is it that you want? Your favorite pair of shoes, lipstick, one of your throw pillows…what?

Regina: There was that ONE dress I had when we were in Wonderland.

Jefferson: Woman, if you pulled me out of my hot bubble bath for THAT then you better reconsider your priorities as I kill you.

Jefferson: Now you think of a time and place and object that you want, and I’ll sit here and try to get it for you…and if the object is NOT impressive then I WILL punch you in the face. Just so you know.

Regina: Yes! Yes!

Regina: Wait; is this a bad time to tell you that I don’t remember the exact date I Tried to destroy my stepdaughter?

Regina: Oh how I’ve missed the smell of fresh horse manure in the morning….

Regina: And she’s late. Again. If inability to keep a secret didn’t do anything to make me hate her then her unpunctuality did!

Snow: Hey! What gives? I was waiting at your castle all day! I thought ‘where it all began’ was supposed to be the place of the wedding!

Regina: You exasperate me!
Snow: Specificity! Learn it!

Snow: Ah, even more proof of your convoluted plan! Because telling me to meet you on the hill twenty miles away from the estate would’ve been too easy!

Snow: Hey, not much has changed.
Regina: It’s a bunch of hills and trees, Snow. They’ve been known not to change much. Anyway, how would you know? You were only here for like two days.

Regina: Now shut up, I have a whole speech ready. *Ahem* Do you remember when I saved your life?

Snow: *Can’t believe what she’s hearing* Well gee Regina, I don’t know. It sort of blurred with all the OTHER times people have rescued me from peril! I don’t remember it at all!

Regina: Shut up I said I was going to make a speech.

Snow: Well nice to see that you took the time to do your makeup as you were waiting for me to show up. Gotta look your best I suppose even though there’s only two of us here!

Regina: Shut up, promise breaker!

Snow: Wait a minute…is that what this is all about? You’re pissed because I told your mom something that she would’ve eventually found out anyway? And you’ve been holding a grudge ever since?! I was friggin’ twelve! Get over it! How was I supposed to know that your mom was psychotic! You never said ‘Hey Snow, my mother will probably literally hurt us if she knew’. Or I don’t know, you could’ve done SOMETHING better to clue me in!

Snow: And on top of that, you told me that he ran away! Are you really that sick in the head?

Regina: She ripped his heart out in front of me! That’s more than enough reason to rob you of everything you held dear!

Snow: And somehow I was SUPPOSED to know that she’d do that?! I already told you during your dress fitting that she used my mother against me! Seek help!

Regina: You’re still a lying liar.

Snow: I hope you realize how insane you are because we’re about to throw down.

Regina: Don’t make me doubt my master plan! Now take this apple and eat it because for some reason it has to be taken willingly!

Snow: And Charming will live? I mean there’s absolutely NOTHING holding you to that promise but just humor me.

Regina: Hm. Sure. Why not?

Regina: This apple…which isn’t as shiny as it was in “True North” will make you sleep and regret everything you never did.

Snow: Not shoving that apple down your gullet is ranking pretty high right now.

Regina: And falling in love with that doofus you’ll call your husband should rank up there too. At least Rumpelstiltskin wouldn’t have been stupid enough to get himself caught. You should’ve married him!

Regina: And now I just imagined that. Perfect.

Snow: I just realized that your hair in the pilot was ‘in-universe’ hair extensions.

Regina: Are you jealous?

Snow: Jealous that your hair looked like a horse’s behind? Not really.

Snow: And now that I’m satisfied I got the last word, apples up!

Snow: Ugh waxy…

Snow: *Chokes* worm!

Charming: Aw man, what was in that chili?!

Regina: Oh stop being overdramatic! Henry doesn’t flail around as much as you do!

Charming: TUMS! PLEASE!

*Why is there a cross on the side of a tomb from a world that’s apparently polytheistic?

*Good thing that apple went rolling or a giant hand reaching out from a vortex and grabbing it would’ve just looked weird to Regina*

Regina: Hey! What’s that vortex?!

Regina: Hey! It worked?!

Jefferson: You can’t want this apple! Someone’s already bitten into it! Gross!

Regina: My prrreeccciioouusss

Jefferson: *Backs away slowly*

Regina: Oh don’t be a diva. I’ve seen how you treat your own reflection.

Jefferson: Yeah, except my reflection is actually exceptional…

Regina: Hey, why is there half a worm in here?

Regina: Today, in “Sleeping Curses with Regina,” Regina shows you how to make a good old passing out poisoned apple turnover. Or as the acrostic term goes “A GOPOPAT”

Emma: We need to talk.

Regina: Ugh, what has Henry done now?

Regina: Why are you wearing a skirt?
Emma: I dunno. I guess to make myself more presentable.

Emma: So I think the best solution is to leave town and let you all without a sheriff, Mr. Gold without a wife and Henry will still have to live with a sociopath. Should work great.

Regina: Wow that was easy. Wedding jitters finally taking place? I should’ve just convinced Gold to move the wedding date up if it meant that I was going to get you out of town because you suddenly packing up and leaving makes absolutely no sense otherwise unless it’s to service the plot.

Emma: Don’t remind me.

Regina: Well that makes me his mother! I win! Bow before my awesomeness! Do it!

Emma: I don’t think I want to-

Regina: Cry for mercy! Cry! Let your tears run down your face as a waterfall on a hot summer's day!

Emma: ….

Regina: You’re not crying right!

Emma: Oh look at the time…I…better go. Mary Margaret’s gonna be pissed when she finds out I left my room…

Emma: And I really don’t want another grounding.

Regina: *Smirkus victorious*

Regina: Ah, my apple turnover.
Emma: Wow, it was like you were expecting company…

Regina: Feeling like crying yet?

Emma: Hm. Not really. I just remember how insane all of you are and how much better my non-abducted self was before I got here.

Regina: Well maybe you should take this GOPOPAT before you go.

*Car salesman smile*

Emma: But I’m allergic to poisoned apples...

Regina: *Glareium infinitum* Just take the darned GOPOPAT.

Emma: Fine! What are a few hives and a closed throat anyway?

Regina: Heh. IT’s like she forgot I had my best friend kidnapped and her roommate framed for the murder!

Red: She’s around here somewhere! I can smell her body odor from here!

Granny: You realize that you’re moving away from where the body is.

Red: Like…shut up granny! We’re totally building suspense!

Grumpy: Well this is going to be a heavy chore. How do we get her in the middle of the random woods?

Red: Like totally get out of the way! I’m the only one that knows how to check a pulse.

Red: Mmmm knives!

*Stabs Snow*

Red: Yeah, she’s dead.

*Are feeling sad*

Grumpy: You couldn’t check for a pulse?
Red: OMGZ! I’m touching a dead body! EW! EW! EW! EW!

Regina: How am I watching you guys? There are no mirrors or reflective surfaces!

Regina: Oh well, back to the Trump Channel.

Regina: *Squees*

Mr. Gold: Dear diary, tomorrow I’m finally getting married to that silly sassy occasional moron Emma. IT shouldn’t be so bad, at least she’s pretty. but sometimes she goes off on stupid moments when there’s a full moon. I would insist that she wear red but I don’t think that’s even doing anything anymore. And it’ll all be for naught anyway because when I seduce her it’ll be hard to get her to keep her clothes on. *Sigh* Why does that always happen with me and women?

Mr. Gold: Oh so you DO come out at night.

*Is reading his dairy upside down*

Regina: I hope you’re scratching off that wedding date on your calendar because Emma won’t be attending.

Mr. Gold: Don’t be silly Regina. What kind of wedding would it be if the bride didn’t show up?

Regina: You mean the sleeping bride?

Mr. Gold: Woman, I wish you’d tell me you were going to do these things before you did them! How am I supposed to be king now?

Regina: Sucks to be you!

Mr. Gold: You know what that means for you? Eventually I’m going to get bored and then trolling you is going to start to look mighty fun…

Regina: Augh, I didn’t think about that.

Mr. Gold: Seems to be an ongoing theme for you.

Regina: Well I used magic! You know, the magic that I brought over from that other world?

Mr. Gold: Think we’ve mentioned that we’re in a land without magic enough so that the audience will know where they’re at?

Regina: SO you enjoy being single right here.

Mr. Gold: I’m moving away. I can’t look at you right now without wanting to throttle you.

Regina: Hey! I’m not done mocking you yet!

Mr. Gold: Yeah, you keep trying to taunt me Regina. This long wooden oar thing to my right is starting to look mighty tempting to hit you with!

Regina: Well you know what I have to say about that?


Mr. Gold: Oh yeah your majesty, REAL MATURE.

Mr. Gold: Well it looks like the wife is going to be sleeping through the wedding. Just like the first one.

Henry: Hi mom! Henry Gold here! Good news! By this time tomorrow you’ll be all Mr. Gold’s and no one will be able to save you! I mean- stop that from happening. Heh.

Emma: Yeah, I should tell you that I’ve decided to leave town.

Henry: You ARE going to ruin this for me. I knew it. Well, it’s nothing that hiding in your trunk and chloroform won’t solve.

Emma: Oh Henry…

Henry Everyone gets cold feet before their wedding. Mr. Gold even did when he, Archie, and I were hanging out. It was only for a second, but he laughed it off and Archie cried because he still loves you. If you were wondering what I was doing. I was jumping in the chair with glee.

Emma: Leaving this town is sounding better and better all the time.

Henry: *Puppy eyes*

Emma: Oh Henry, I trust the crazy murdering framing psychopath that is your mother! What could possibly go wrong!

Henry: Don’t even speak to me, traitor!

Emma: Now don’t be like that! I’ll be in your life! Of course we didn’t exactly talk about how that was going to work and Regina will probably use that to keep me out as much as possible, but I’ll still be in your life!

Henry: You don’t believe!

Emma: Henry, I Think that’s been established since the Pilot.

Henry: But Regina isn’t going to marry Mr. Gold! So what exactly am I supposed to do?

Emma: Oh Henry, sometimes you’re so creepy that it’s cute.

Emma: Now I’ve used my superpower and she’s telling the truth!

Henry: Yeah, and we’ve all seen how trustworthy THAT is, now haven’t we?

Emma: Crap, this isn’t going well. Um….All she’s ever done is fight for you!

Henry: How is framing my grandma for the murder of her best friend and setting up an innocent man who is now the in asylum ‘fighting for me’.

Emma: Um….when you’re an adult then you’ll understand…

Henry: I’m more adult then everyone in this town combined!

Emma: Nuh-uh! Loser.

Emma: Wait…

Henry: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

*Is trying to keep her from walking out the door*
Emma: How long are we going to stand like this?

Henry: Until Mr. Gold walks in for his nightly seduction attempt and talks you into staying.

Henry: Why is a GOPOPAT in my house?

Emma: Henry, it doesn’t count as ‘your house’ until Mr. Gold adopts you and dies.

Henry: Aren’t you even questioning why Regina is suddenly being nice? I mean she wasn’t even this nice to you when you weren’t even gonna stay!

Emma: It’s called character development Henry. IT’s bound to happen when characters dream that I kill them.

Emma: Now go home. I have to get everything packed before my fiancé finds out I’m skipping town.

Emma: I’ll prove to you that it’s not poisoned by taking a big bite out of it and freaking you right out.

Henry: And then Gold will kiss you and you’ll have no choice but to marry him!

Henry: But just to be on the safe side….

Henry: It’s high time someone straightened you out!

Emma: Oh Henry, don’t you know how many GOPOPAT’s I’ve eaten over the years? I’ll be fine!

Henry: Mmm, now that’s good evil.

Henry: Curse this narcolepsy!

Emma: Oh Henry, get up!

Emma:….? Well that just ruined my day!

The End.

Own Nothing.

Mr. Gold would never even CONSIDER replacing Archie with anyone else as his best friend.

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