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Friday, February 15, 2013

114 - Dreamy








*Oh, I’m in heaven, that was certainly a short life*



Blue Fairy: I’m thinking about redecorating….


*The business end of a fairy isn’t exactly what I wanted to see…and how do they get through doors with those skirts*


Blue Fairy: Oh for heaven’s sake Nova, do we have to put a leash on you? I was just sitting here trying to figure out why we let a fairy as clumsy as you handle one of the most powerful things in our world! You can’t even fly right!


Nova: Sorry it took me so long. I brutally murdered a dragonfly to get his wings and so here I am! Still trying to break them in!


Blue Fairy: *Is snobby this episode for some reason* Only fairy godmothers get to brutally rip dragonfly’s apart.


Nova: I know. I know that soon I’ll be up for promotion and so I just went ahead and beat you all to the punch!


Blue Fairy: *Tries to stifle laughter*




Blue Fairy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Nova: *Is starting to feel a little uncomfortable*


Blue Fairy: I think I Just snorted in a cloud!


Nova: So…that’s a yes then?


Blue Fairy: Oh Nova…you’re only 4 million years old. Don’t grow up too fast. Why do you have a name before I do?


Blue Fairy: Well, time to troll Tinkerbelle.


Nova: Wait! My pulley system can’t keep up with you







*Fairy dust has some serious gravity*







*Wait…did that dust just PICK which egg it was going to land on? Why does it even need fairies to carry it around if it’s a sentient being?*



Midwifey: ?


Bossy: This better had been work pulling me away from Gunsmoke!


Midwifey: I think this one’s ready ahead of schedule.
Bossy: OH great. A ‘special’ one!


Dreamy: LET ME OUT OF HERE!
Midwifey: Ow.


Dreamy: Did Johnny Depp get me drunk and try to bury me alive AGAIN? I hate this game!


Midwifey: When your baby looks like that then you know your kid has too much testosterone.
Bossy: Mmhmm.


Dreamy: Are you my mommy?






Midwifey: Yep. Special one.
Bossy: Mmhmm.



*Leroy has some self-loathing issues*


Leroy: Why do I always feel guilty when I’m eating these?


Mr. Clark: Leeerrroooyyyyy Jenkins.


Leroy: You’re still doing that?


*Giggles*
Mr. Clark: It’s still funny. Now do you mind scooting over? A booth is too far to walk over to.


Leroy: You know what you’d have to do.


Mr. Clark: Yeah, I don’t think you’re going to get us to do a burlesque dance on the bar for your own personal lulz, Leroy.


Leroy: It’s not like it would be humiliating!
*I wonder if the citizens of Storybrooke feel nostalgic with that wallpaper?*


Mary: *AHEM* *Clicks heels together* On behalf of me and my sorta bestie nuns, we’re selling things for miner’s day and we’re looking for volunteers who are desperate enough like me to handle things for…tonight or tomorrow night.


Emma: Wait…we have nuns? Who’s the priest?


Mr. Gold: Now don’t be like that Emma!  Someone’s gotta do it.


Emma: Woah.


Mary: Now this is going to a good cause called “Let’s Keep Mr. Gold from Making MORE People Cry” so we need as many victims…volunteers! Volunteers! I meant volunteers as humanely possible.


*Everyone pretends to be asleep*


Mary: You…you will be sorry! My bestie is the sheriff and she carries a gun!


Extras: We’re extras! We don’t care!


Mary: If I burned all your houses down and made you live with the nuns would you care then?


Leroy: Well, time to get some hopes up.


Mary: Hi Leroy, I need a new boyfriend since my bestie tells me that my crying into a cookie dough jar is getting old .Wanna hang out?


Leroy: Wha-?
Mary: Oh! Not as my boyfriend! As my new bestie. I need a dude one who listen to me and help me out when I need it most because even though it’s been like….a day since Kathryn disappeared, Emma’s already threatened to send me far far away and I think it might be time to put in a new backup.


Mary: Please? You can store all the C4 that you steal from the sign at my place, and I’ll make you a flask with your name on it, and call the birds away from your boat when they’re nesting, and keep the kids from writing mean stuff at the hospital when you get drunk and leave the janitor’s room unlocked and –


Leroy: Look, most people would rather help you than vote…but I’m not most people. The only person people hate more than me is you. Don’t ask me why Mr. Gold isn’t on that list too but I guess he’s higher than us or something


Leroy: MOVE!


Mary: *Starts to sniffle*


Emma: Uh oh, she’s going to start flinging snot from one end of the wall to the other. Have no fear Mary! Bestie is on her way!


*Blows nose in scarf*


Emma: Hi best…I mean…Mary.
Mary: *Is disgusted* You repel me! Thanks for offering a hand to help there!


Mary: You could’ve volunteered!
Emma: But I HAVE a life!


Emma: Why did they ask the town bimbo to sell the candles they need for money anyway?
Mary: I have no idea.


Mary: Probably because no one else was available to do it. Mr. Gold likes to go around threatening everyone who is nice to the nuns. Except for me. HE’s always had a soft spot for me.


Emma: Isn’t he their priest?


Mary: Well he’s not REALLY a priest, he just likes the costume. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Emma: Oooooo!


Emma: Wait. Ew.
Mary: But he pretends to be one on weekends so he can hear confessions and blackmail people. I don’t know why they keep falling for it. Maybe they don’t recognize him….like Clark Kent and Superman.


Mary: You know, being the town bimbo sucks, my life is over bestie. I think I’d rather lock myself in my house and never come out again and if anyone stops by to mock me then I’ll just make them disappear.


Emma: Mary, it’s only been twelve hours.
Mary: *Hums happily in denial*


Emma: So…I’m your only friend in this town…just like old times.
Mary: And now that I’m a free woman I “m back to my adorable self again! *Squees* Bestie, we’re going to have so much fun now that I have more time for you again. And we’re not going to do boring things like bowling night. We’re going to bungee jump and joyride and watch Remington Steele because young Pearce Brosnan is in that and he. Is. HOT.
Emma: I don’t think I missed this as much as I thought I did.


Mary: After miner’s day it’s going to be just you and me forever bestie! Taking on the world as two independent single women!


*Is mentally crying*


Emma: Ugh, I hope the person that called me didn’t get the last couple of numbers switched up to call and troll Walker Texas Ranger. Just how many ‘555’ numbers ARE there?


Emma: Get me out of this, I beg you.
Mary: Bestie, I’m beginning to think that you don’t want to play board games with me anymore.


Emma: Well Mary, I love to cut this short more than you would believe but I gotta go.


Emma: It’s called actually doing my job Mary. You should try it sometime.


Leroy: Well, time to put that C4 I’ve been swiping to use…


Astrid: Oh no! I just remembered that I hate heights!


*Sees Angelina Jolie*


*Sees Chuck Norris*


Astrid: Hang on, I know this game called “Hold your nostrils closed” It…Well I don’t know what it does; I Just wanted to make this picture in the series.


*Plays drum on his head*


Astrid: Let me give you a quick ‘feel up’ and I’m done. Can you fix those lights?


Astrid: I’ll catch you if you fall!
Leroy: Oh boy….


Leroy: This isn’t “Skin Deep!”


*Is wishing it was*


Leroy: Well that wasn’t so hard. Maybe next time you should ask the non-clumsy person do the electric lights for you.


Astrid: Ha. Ha.


Leroy: I didn’t always want to be someone who helped nuns and fixed lights you know. For awhile I wanted to be a pirate. To sail the oceans and tie people to the front to be my decoration and see if I could hang with the Muppets and Tim Curry…or was it someone else?


Leroy: I kinda had something else in my coffee today. I figured…what the frick? It’s two o’clock somewhere, right?


Leroy: Oh sorry, I forgot I was talking to a nun even though it’s been established that probably wouldn’t have stopped me before.


Astrid: That’s okay. Between you and me, Mother superior says things FAR worse.


Leroy: I’d believe it. I’ve seen her at the bar.



Astrid: You know, you could be a better person. Someone once told me, you can do anything as long as you can dream it. Look what you did with those lights!


Leroy: But….It’s not my dream to fix those lights…what does that have to do with the conversation? And why do I have the feeling that “Dream” Is gonna get overused this episode?


Astrid: Yay!


Astrid: We’re going to be so happy together!


*Pinches cheek*



Leroy: Is it possible to be attracted and freaked out at the same time?


Astrid: Bye Leroy! I can’t wait to see you tonight! *giggles*


*Giggles*


*Astrid crashes and takes down an entire booth*


Leroy: Oh my. 


Emma: I’m sure that this is just a coincidence that this has happened to me, Ella, and Katherine…hey! Why have only blondes crashed cars?


Sidney: Have no fear! Detective Man is-



Emma: Go home, Sidney!


Sidney: *Is sad* No, Sidney is my nerd name…which…granted is what my persona is right now but can you call me Detective Man regardless?


Emma: I think I’d rather keep what little dignity the writers have allowed me to have.


Emma: You know Sidney; I was thinking…What if you were trying to actually work with Regina to spy on me? That would be silly right?
Sidney: How did you find out?! I mean…why are you asking?


Emma: Cause Mr. Gold told it to Archie, and Archie phone me to tell me about it and we laughed for an hour on the phone because you’re such a trustworthy guy, I don’t mind hanging out with you. Mostly because Mr. Gold is jealous that you’ve shown more skin on this show than anyone else.


Sidney: Odd. I don’t remember that ever happening.


Emma: I’m just repeating what Henry says….don’t ask me how he knows that.


Emma: You know, she’s not even technically missing yet. Maybe the car broke down and she just randomly kept walking…in the dark…in the middle of the woods…

.



Emma: 
Oh my heavens, Sidney….


Emma:  Free clothes!
Sidney: Emma! That’s wrong!


Emma: *Rolls eyes* Well she won’t need them anymore!


Sidney: You better be glad that I’m not Detective man right now because I would have to take you in…to yourself…


Emma: Omigosh Glassy it was just a joke! Stop being such a Donald Downer! 







Emma: 
Oh great, the whole ensemble is here. Larry and Curly and I guess that makes me Moe.



David: I….wasn’t trying to leave town to avoid any suspicion or backlash against my actions!


Emma: One day I’m going to make Henry pay big time for deciding this guy was my dad.


Sidney: You WERE referring to the old shorts and not the new movie of the “Three Stooges” right?
Emma: Do you even NEED to ask that, Sidney? I mean, really?


*So how exactly does this work? Do they find these dwarf eggs in the mine when chopping away rock? Do they magically appear? Does a dragon lay them if they mate with a human or something? Where do the clothes come from? Do they hit puberty IN the egg?*


Dreamy: Oh no, they drugged me up and dragged me to film Pirates of the Caribbean XIV: Search for the Cash Cow.


Bossy: Raise the roof.  How come there isn’t a legion of Dwarves to do this for us? Aren’t I the overseer or something?


Dreamy: If I don’t know who or what I am, then how do I know what my arms are?


Dreamy: And how did I see a woman if all that rained down was fairy dust?


Bossy: What the heck is a woman?


Dreamy: Don’t we have those? I mean…why AREN’T there female dwarves? I think it’s some part of mythology but at least TOLKEIN had a better explanation than what we do.


Bossy: Just shut up and work. You don’t get paid, you have to enjoy it even if you hate it, and you don’t get benefits….except dental but that’s only if you survive your fifth cave in.


*STEALTHY THE CHUCK NORRIS OF DWARVES LIVES!*


*Gah! No!*


Doc: Why am I born old? Why do I Need glasses if I was born solely to work in the mines? Wouldn’t my body and senses be honed in just to handle that? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!


Doc: Oh….hello sexy.


*Does Stealthy have a feather in his hat? Stealthy’s a friggin’ pimp!*


Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Of course we all line up by awesome points. I go first.


*The “Chuck Norris of Dwarves” was too long to put on there. But we all know it’s true*


*So uh….are they 'personality pick axes?' Can’t they use something like this to weed out serial killers and other dangerous kinds of people in Fairy Tale? *


*So…the pickaxe has a crush on him. Wonderful.*


Dreamy: I want to trade!


Bossy: Alright boys, line up and get to work!


Dreamy: Aren’t we receiving any kind of training for this/





Mary: It’s ridiculous that not even the nuns are helping me with their own fundraiser!


 Leroy: If I sort of help you with this, then will you give me some dating advice?


Mary: I told you Leroy, when I propositioned that to you, I wasn’t asking you to fill in the boyfriend slot, I was asking you to fill in the male bestie slot.


Leroy: No Mary. I…love another. *Is staring extra hard at Astrid to make it obvious.
Mary: *Isn’t paying attention*
Leroy: My eyes are starting to hurt, could you look up?


Mary: *Looks up* What?
Leroy: Hi, Leroy here.


Mary: Alright but it’s only because I don’t have anyone else to carry all this for me! You can’t call anyone sister and that includes men, you can’t drink, you can’t curse, you can’t drink the holy water, you can’t sleep in the church pew, you can’t swing in the choir loft, you can’t wear the old nuns outfit, you can’t REQUEST that anyone wear a nun’s outfit, you can’t offer to take the nuns out on your boat for a price, you can’t chew gum unless you brought some for everyone, you can’t chew gum even IF you brought some for everyone, and no matter what happens do NOT FLIRT.


Leroy: Take away ALL my fun!


Astrid: I swear that write up you’re holding is NOT my fault.


Mother Superior:….It says that when Mr. Gold asked you on a date you said you only liked pirates and then tried to shove him in the helium container. You know how he feels about us!


Leroy: *Is listening intently*


Astrid: But I can date whomever I want! I’m Amy Friggin’ Acker! I have my rights!


Mother Superior: No you don’t.


Astrid: And I thought he didn’t consider nuns human!


Leroy: You said ‘No’ to Mr. Gold? I thought only Emma could do that because she has superpowers!


Astrid: I told him that I wouldn’t lower myself to dating anything more than solidly built bald guys with greying beards and he claimed that ‘going out for ice cream’ was really what he intended to do and it wasn’t a euphemism for anything dirty because he’s celibate for Emma now and when I said refused, he was all like “Well you’re going to HAVE to lower your standards because no one tells me ‘no’ and lives to see their convent…thing…still running’ and so I tried to slam him over the head with the helium container and then shove him in but then I realized that he…might’ve been a little too big for it.


Astrid: So he fined us because the stitches in his skull as well as the concussion led to everyone laughing and calling him “Helium Boy” on the town twitter and he kind of took it personally and I got written up and these candles were our only hope.


Astrid: If only I actually cared enough about these candles to try and sell them myself instead of trusting the towns most hated people right now….


 Leroy: Yes but…how did you tell him no?


Astrid: I’m Amy friggin’ Acker. I tell him whatever I want.


*Mind is blown*


Astrid: I know, right?


Leroy: Well don’t you worry. I think I can work something out with Mr. Gold. We bonded at the bar a couple of nights after Valentine’s Day so I think that I can appeal to his…semi less creepy side.


Mary: Wait…what’s he doing trying to take my place in Mr. Gold’s heart?


Leroy: And everyone that says no will have their arms broken and I’ll have their guts for garters!


Mary: WHAT?! Crap, I knew I was forgetting something to include in that list….


Astrid: YAY!


*Is sort of creeped out that she’s okay with that*


Astrid: You’re my hero!


Leroy: Aw shucks…


Mary: What the HECK is going on over there?


David: Wait a minute…Kathryn was LEAVING ME?!


Emma: *Actual dialogue* You really don’t know anything, do you?
*I laugh and laugh and laugh*


David: Hey just because I’m an lying kind of cheating pig who just happened to…drive up for some reason that in no way means I’m revisiting the crime scene…that doesn’t mean that I’m capable of murder.


Emma: Listen, I just want to solve this so I can go back to throwing darts all day and being annoyed with everyone. I’m not here to judge you, you indecisive moron.


David: *Lips quiver*


David: You don’t…mean that…


Emma: Yes I do.


David: *Pouts*


Emma: Now just tell me when the last time you talked to Kathryn was. I need to take this car back to the sheriff’s department and take it apart in my game of CSI.


David: I haven’t talked to her since she called me and begged me to come back…


Emma:……


David: Or maybe now that I Think of it, that was me calling her in tears begging her to take me back.


Emma: Uh-huh. Don’t leave town Charming.


David: But I can’t!


Emma: I know. I’ve just always wanted to say that.


Regina: I wonder if telling Henry that I’ve stolen his book and hidden it in the trees of the wallpaper and watching him run into the wall countless times counts as child abuse….where is he anyway?


Regina: Stupid paper *Glares*


Regina: Oh wait, phone records *Smirks*


Regina: Everything is going according to plan Sidney.
Sidney: What plan?


Regina: Soon, Storybrooke will be mine once again!  
Sidney: What plan?


Regina: That’s classified. Just do whatever I tell you to.
Sidney: You’re not even giving me a paycheck for this! I’m supposed to be a disgraced reporter that’s actually working for you. How am I supposed to pay my bills?


Regina: See you in the bouncy house at the festival tonight! *Blows kiss*
Sidney: WHAT PLAN?!


Dreamy: So…do we have personality shovels too?


*You would think the fairies would have a better bag for “the most precious substance in all the land” *


Nova: Hm….kind of a crummy stock this year. Seriously, this is all it takes to power their world?


Nova: Hey everyone, I’m the blue fairy! ‘Someone fetch me a dwarf to shut this off’


*Starts doing random chin-ups*


Dreamy: No! Bad fairy! You start doing chin-ups then you never stop. It’s more addicting than Cheerios.


*Sees Kate Winslet*


*Sees Liam Neeson*


Nova: Uh….Hi?


*Tries to walk off quickly*
Dreamy: Wait! I saw you before I hatched for…some unexplained reason!


Nova: Leave me alone! *Starts walking faster*
Dreamy: I really hope you’re not my mother because you’re the first woman I’ve seen here. Stealthy claim’s he’s seen plenty of women but personally I think he’s lying. It takes a lot of bribery for us one year olds to leave the mine. 


Nova: And you’re….still not the hairiest baby I’ve ever seen.


Dreamy: Uh….thanks?


Nova: Oh no! My bag!
Dreamy: Is that the lunch bell?


*Pull the plug!*


Nova: I just suddenly forgot all about my wings!


*For heaven’s sake, Toy Story 3 was more intense than this!*


*Indiana Jones music plays…wait a minute, I just realized how much more awesome it would’ve been if Liam Neeson was Indiana Jones*


*Chops the bag up*


Nova: *Squees* Why do they trust me to handle the most powerful substance in the world again?


Dreamy: *Does a Tarzan yell*


Nova: Oh he’s cute. I know I’ve only known him for three minutes but I’m certain he’s my soul mate.


Nova: I’m so clumsy, it’s always been my DREAM to be a fairy godmother….although that seems to be the only promotion in this business so does it really count as a dream? By the way…do we get…employed to be a fairy? Are we born like this?


Nova: And I Think I would just rock the blue fairy’s outfit better than her!


Dreamy: I think you would too.


Nova: Perv.


Dreamy: What?


Nova: *Sort of likes it*


Nova: My name’s Nova Scotia
Dreamy: My name’s Dreamy ForYu


Nova: Wanna run away together? And by running away together I mean that we should go up on a hill together and watch fireflies.


Dreamy: Yeah right as if I would do something that boring.


Dreamy: *Glares*


Nova: See you there! *Giggles*


Dreamy: She wants me?


*Giggles*


Dwarves: Hi ho! Hi Ho, it’s off to slave we go…*Nova crashes into a line of dwarves*
Dreamy: Oh my.


Mary: Come buy the candles to save the nunnery. They could really use the funds so badly that they're either unaware that they're about to be evicted or they're just not helping!
Leroy: I just realized how mortifying this all was.


Mary: Alright you know what? *Starts throwing them at people*


Leroy: I could get us some attention by tap-dancing while you play the harmonica.


Mary: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.


Mary: Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe if we sold all those candles then they would’ve used it as a bonfire to burn me. 


Leroy: Let’s go door to door, if we annoy them enough then they’ll just pay us to leave!


Mary: Or call out their dogs to attack us for trespassing!


Leroy: Good point. Well, if that fails then the tap dancing option is still open.


*Is far more excited about that then he should be.*
Mary: But I FAILED harmonica playing class!


Sidney: No one will know my true identity while I’m Detective Man!


Emma: Hey Sidney, done being useless yet?


Sidney: WHY DON’T YOU SAY SIDNEY GLASS A LITTLE LOUDER EMMA? I DON’T THINK EVERYONE HEARD YOU?


Sidney: Also I’m scoping the place out. Will you take me to buy cotton candy? We need an ID that says we’re over 21 now. It’s a long story but let’s just say that Mary Margaret and Ashley ruined it for everyone last year.


Mary: Okay, which do you think is going to earn more money? Manic pixie girl all bundled up or…..


Mary: Skin exposing seductress.


Emma:…..
Sidney:….


Mary: Scarf it is!
Leroy: OH! Is that a purple toboggan over there?!


Sidney: What was that?


Emma: I don’t even ask anymore


Emma: Anyway, I SHOULD be keeping the investigation quiet but the college registration was today and…so I’m guessing that she gave her husband 24 hours to decide on whether or not he was cool with them moving to Boston or not…


Emma: And take off that silly fedora, you’re not fooling anyone!


Sidney: Detective Man doesn’t know what you’re talking about!


Mary: Hi, *Starts rambling speech*
Leroy: Help me! The faster you buy these, the faster I’m out of her ‘guy bestie’ trap!


*Mr. Rodgers lives in this neighborhood?*


*Slams*


*Slasher Smiles*


*Puppy Eyes*


Leroy: Maybe this would work better if we didn’t keep knocking on the same door.



Happy: The ‘chicken across the road’ joke gets me every time!



Dreamy: Stupid happy people.



Bossy: Dreamy! Why haven’t you taken your turn yet at the karaoke machine? Everyone loves your rendition of “Bubbly”



Dreamy: I think I’m sick!



Bossy: Dwarves don’t get sick for some reason. It’s all in your head. Therefore you aren’t ill, you’re just turning insane.



Bossy: I got my eye on you!



Belle: He’s not insane he’s just in love!
Bossy: And exactly what are you?



Belle: *Is not herself* That’s right ladies and gentlemen….most everyone’s favorite Disney Princess is sitting in a bar drinking her sorrows away…just like dear old mom used to…



Dreamy: Why don’t you mind your own conversation?



Belle: Oh, I know love. *Hic* Well…I know DOOMED love



Belle: Love is amazing! Until you act on your feelings and your boyfriend gets freaked out and starts talking to himself in the mirror and shakes you and throws you in the dungeon and then kicks you out. I hope he found that landmine I left in his bed the HARD way.



Belle: I’m sorry, what were you talking about?



Dreamy:…….



Dreamy: What does any of that have to do with her and I going to go see fireflies on the hilltop?



Belle: Is THAT what they’re calling it now?



Dreamy: *Gasp!* I am NOT that kind of a man!



Belle: You could be!



Dreamy: You think so!?



Belle: Trust me. One fiancĂ© disappeared and my other boyfriend doesn’t want to see me again. I’m an expert at this kind of 'true love' stuff.



Not!Stealthys’: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!



Dreamy: Anything’s better than these idiots.



Astrid: How have I survived this long without accidently walking right in front of a bus?!




Leroy: 
Don’t make me do this! Don’t make me do this!




Mary: Ruin her hopes and dreams! Get to it!



Astrid: Oh hi Leroy. We just got the hospital bill from my assault on Mr. Gold and it included a horrible picture in which he’s on the hospital bed looking absolutely miserable and Doctor Whale is standing next to him with his arm flung around his shoulder and his other hand pointing to Mr. Gold and he has this hilarious big smile on his face while Mr. Gold looks like he’s about to commit murder. While that was funny …the hospital bill wasn’t. Tell me you did the job that no one else seems to be concerned about and sold all the candles!



Leroy: Um…well...I’m pretty sure I could’ve convinced them at first if Mary Margaret hadn’t been with me.



Mary: What did he just say?!



Leroy: But you don’t have to worry because when I shoved her off the porch and into a rosebush everyone started lining up to buy from me and we sold out!



Mary: WHAT?!



Astrid: YAY!



*Glomps*



Mary: *Is horrified*



Leroy: What is this thing called affection?



Mary: Couldn’t you think of a better lie Leroy? I know that we’re guy/girl besties in this episode and we’re going to have to cover for each other. And I know that I’ll take the fall for this even more than you will and the convent will be ruined on your little lie but couldn’t you have come up with a better story than you shoved me in a rosebush?! I’m not even covered in cuts!



Leroy: I failed improv in acting class, okay?! What else was I supposed to say? She had the Amy Acker eyes! Those are much more lethal than puppy eyes and cat eyes and a Henry glare put together!



Mary: Well I certainly hope you have 5,000 dollars hidden in your back pocket because any money that I have is spent on rent above my ridiculously spacious living area! And Mr. Gold gives me a DISCOUNT!



Mary: Wait…do you have a thing for her?



Leroy: Well I could say no but I think I might be in a convent.



Mary: You can’t like her! She’s completely spastic and I think there might be something unbalanced in her way of thinking…starting with how she likes to go off on random tangents!



Leroy: Well it takes on to know one, PIXIE!



*Is offended*



*Is really offended*



Astrid: Yay! Balloons!



Dreamy: Seven out of fourteen hills and she’s not here either! Well…hill number eight, here I come.



Nova: 12 of fourteen hills and he’s still not here. I wish we’d established which hill…oh! There you are!



Dreamy: A random stranger told me that I was in love with you…I’m one year old so that sort of makes this all creepy in a way that I don’t even want to think about.



Nova: Oh Dreamy, we’re going to have to teach you to no talk with strangers.



Dreamy: I have to say that this is kind of disappointing. I was hoping for something like Las Vegas.



Nova: Oh silly!



Nova: Doesn’t that impress you?
Dreamy: Nope



Nova: Does-
Dreamy: Bored with it all.



Nova: Yeah…me too. It sort of gets to be a bit less cool when the blue fairy gets angry and kicks you down here for a game of “Fishing for Rumpelstiltskin”



Dreamy: We could run away together! Build a boat and see the world even though I’m pretty sure neither of us knows how to sail.



Dreamy: And we could get together and marry and be in love and…can we even reproduce?



Nova: I certainly don’t mind testing it out!



Dreamy: But…how would that work? Would you lay…eggs? Would our kids be dwarves with wings? I don’t’ think I want to imagine my son wearing something similar to the blue fairy dress…



Nova: *Is trying to keep up a smile despite the mental horror she’s imagining* I’m sure it’ll be fine.



*Conveniently well-timed fireflies*



Nova: Oh, it’s so exciting!



Nova: Kiss me! Kiss me!



Dreamy: But I don’t know you!



Nova: I’ll go with you! And after I drop off the fairy dust tomorrow then we’re going to see the world baby!



Dreamy: But you have it now…Just drop it off tonight.



Nova: I can’t do that silly! That would almost guarantee us our happy ending!



Dreamy: *Is a little scared*



Leroy: Well I know that this thing looks like it’ll sink as soon as you actually get it on the water but think of it like this….Archie has a degree…Mr. Booth has a motorcycle…none of them have a boat.



Mr. Gold: Tempting, but the last time I was on a boat, it led to me giving a girl a vial of lake water and pulling her hair…Not one of my more romantic gestures and because of relations between the two women in question…I don’t think Emma would be impressed. However it DOES mean I could get her out in the water and seduce her…do you know if she can swim or not? She always seems to have an escape…



Leroy: Yeah, you can settle that with Emma later, I kind of need my money upfront…it’s all going to a friend.



Mr. Gold: I don’t have friends. You don’t see me having to deal with this kind of a conundrum do you?



Leroy: Boy. Imagine that. Wait a minute; you’re best friends with Archie.



Mr. Gold: No, he’s my BEST friend. There’s quite a difference between having BEST friends and the friends that you could live life every day without.



Leroy: You two have the weirdest friendship.



Mr. Gold: Why does everyone always say that?



Leroy: Try looking in a mirror! You might figure it out! My gosh man, I don’t know why I expected to get my money’s worth from you to help the nuns! I’ll bet you cheer for the mobsters when you watch Sister Act.



Mr. Gold: You’re helping the nuns? Well that explains a lot about why you’re not drunk or cursing or throwing things at me for the first time ever! I’ll even bet you’re helping that Amy Acker one out. That would certainly be my luck!



Leroy: You don’t like Amy Acker? Who doesn’t like Amy Acker?



Mr. Gold: Why don’t you ask my stitched head that question? I’m glad I have an extremely thick skull or else that helium canister might’ve hurt a little!



Mr. Gold: And thanks for reminding me about that by the by. Its bad enough I have to live through all the town kids sucking in helium and then running around me gong “I’m Mr. Gold! I’m Mr. Gold!” But now I have to relive why they’re doing it!



Leroy: Who would’ve thought that Mr. Gold wouldn’t come through in a crisis!?



Astrid: Hiiiii! I hope you don’t mind but I baked you this pie as a thank you for saving me…and by baking you a pie I mean that I stole it from the festival when mother superior was screaming at someone else BUT me!



Astrid: On, by the way, since there seems to be one place to get to this boat, I passed Mr. Gold. And he screamed ‘what does he have, that I don’t have?’ and then he tried to trip me up with his cane. Nearly fell in the water.



Leroy: This town is weird….



Astrid: Is this the boat?! OMG! When you sail around it, can I be the mermaid at the front? I’ll let you know if we see any icebergs ahead, I promise!  Hey! What’s that?







Leroy: Um…the next shipment?



Astrid: I’ll bet you lied to me!



Leroy: Well instead of managing the setting up of Miner’s day, I sort of had the door shut in my face a lot…and instead of being upfront I figured that not telling you the truth was the perfect solution so that you’d be all the more disappointed when you found out at the last minute.



Astrid: ….



Leroy: We’re still friends right?



Astrid: Sure. *Shoves pie in his face*



Astrid: And I’m done for today.



Detective Man: Have no fear! Detective man is-
Emma: Sidney, you don’t have to yell that every time you pass a doorframe. I heard you when you were in the entrance!



Detective Man: Oh…um…I got the phone records.



Detective Man: I noticed David had an eight minute call with Kathryn…sorry…I couldn’t help but peek.



Emma: David can’t lie. When he tries, he looks to his left and stutters and cries. It’s rather obvious.



Detective Man: Well paper doesn’t lie because apparently Detective Man doesn’t believe that forgery and doctoring evidence could have taken place. Boy am I glad you didn’t ask about my contact.



Emma: *Is thoughtful*



Detective Man: Don’t worry, you’re not the only person we’ve fooled…I-I-I mean, David’s fooled.



Emma: David couldn’t fool a sign post into believing it was a sign post, Sidney. Even if it believed it was a sign post already!



Mary: Only because there’s no real caffeine here anymore…



Leroy: Whatever she’s having, I’ll have six of them.



Ruby: Sweet tea? On it.



Mary: The nuns are starting to ask questions Leroy. Mother superior hasn’t stopped chasing me around asking if I sold the candles yet. I tried to duck under a booth but she launched herself across it and trapped me and when I said ‘Ask my bestie’. She went to Emma who was confused and now I’m humiliated even more!



Leroy: Yeah well Mr. Gold was no help.



Mary: I should’ve been the one to proposition him!



Leroy: Doubt it would’ve worked. I’m pretty sure not even Emma agreeing to stop secretly loving Archie and willingly being with him would work.



Leroy: Hm…maybe we should’ve gone that route instead.



Dreamy: How come some of us get hammocks and some get actual beds?



Stealthy The Chuck Norris of Dwarves: If you wanted to sneak out and meet chicks then you should’ve come to me!
Dreamy: Why are you still even dressed?
Stealthy The Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Oh, I never sleep.



*Everyone’s pretty coherent for just waking up.*



Stealthy The Chuck Norris of Dwarves: You sort of gave away the fact that you were leaving when you started giving all your stuff away tonight!



Dreamy: I’m in love! I’m going to run away with Nova!



Stealthy The Chuck Norris of Dwarves: Who on Earth is Nova?
Not!Stealthies: Who on Earth is Nova?



Dreamy: So I am going to run away and I’m going to be happy and none of you can come with me because Nova will hate emotional baggage.



Sneezy: Well here! Take my pickaxe!



Dreamy: I don’t need anything that reminds me of you guys and my slavery down in the mines.



Sneezy: You’re about to get married presumably, you’re TOTALLY going to need it.



*Group glomp*
Stealthy The Chuck Norris of Dwarves: This scene is just icing on the cake of “Not Going to End Well” and I’m not going to be a part of it.



Dreamy: I’m so glad that Stealthy happened to have a book on sailing. He always seems to come through at the end. I hope he lives a good long life.



Bossy: You can’t run away with her. It’ll never work out. Don’t ask how I know what you’re going to do. I suppose one of your brothers has a big mouth or something.



Dreamy: Sorry LOSSY, but you’re going to have to find someone else to lead Karaoke Night.



Bossy: We need you to mine the caves! And don’t act like you have a choice in the matter because it doesn’t exist.



Dreamy: But aren’t there at least a billion other dwarves that can do it? I mean did you see how many eggs there were?



Bossy: Listen, you’re just insane, you’re not in love. You have more potential to turn into a psycho killer than you do for falling in love.



Dreamy: But what if I’m different?



Bossy: Yep. Special one. Can see it now.



Blue Fairy: Do you guys like my new wing dye job?




Blue Fairy: If you do run off together then Nova will lose her wings. Don’t ask me why that’s important because she doesn’t even USE them half the time anyway.



Dreamy: Yeah well, that’s true. Wait…is this an intervention?



Blue Fairy: And without Nova, then who will be our butt monkey?  So you see Dreamy? You two need to stay in your designated occupations. You facing every day on the verge of a cave in…and Nova…whom I suddenly care about…with a hit out on her from Rumpelstiltskin.



Dreamy: Oh well…that’s all it’ll take to do it for me. We’re doomed.



Leroy: I swear…Johnny Depp gets more British every day. Is it possible…for your body to just genetically switch nationalities?



Mary: Larry, can you give me a ride home?
Leroy: Now, I’ve had three of these. You only had one.
Mary: Not a car ride. I’ll ride on your back.



Mary: You know I’ve seen the first 19 episode future of this show. She doesn’t come back so I don’t think it’ll work. And take my advice when people are telling you it’s not going to work then you need to take their advice. I mean they told me that it wouldn’t work with Gold and…..Whale…..Dav-



Mary: You know, I think I’m starting to see a pattern here.”



Mary: No one talks to me anymore…



Mary: …Kind of like the first few episodes actually.



Leroy: How did this get to be about YOU all of a sudden?! Get over it! At least you had your chance!



Mary*Cry/Laugh* I can’t enjoy my moment if it was with DAVID of all people! He couldn’t even remember my name half the time! He always called me Kathryn!



Mary: And then he called me Ajax which was…insulting



Leroy: Wow, do you two have problems.



Leroy: Weirdos.



Mary: Well if that was what I had then it certainly wasn’t worth it!



Leroy: Didn’t I tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself?!



Leroy: There is only one way to stop my pain!



Leroy: Well…goodbye cruel town. You’ll never be the same after I’m done doing what I’m about to do.



Mary: Wait Leroy! I’m so glad that Granny gives us all free roof access! Are you here to watch the lights too?



Leroy: Nice to see you took the time to bundle up while I raced all the way up here!



Mary: Leroy, if you think about jumping then rest assured I will PUSH YOU OFF!



Leroy: Oh I see, just because I stand on the edge of something after talking about ending my pain then CLEARLY I’m going to be killing myself! Clearly.



Leroy: Besides. Unlike you and David, “I” think of other people. I could hurt someone! I’m solidly built! But any other day then I’d probably consider it.



Mary: For heaven’s sakes Leroy! You’re in plain view! Everyone’s going to know we’re the ones responsible!



Leroy: LLLLLEERRYYYOOYYYYY! JJJEENNNNKKKINNNSSSSS! Ow! Electrical burns!
*Obvious Double. He doesn’t even have that dark of a beard!*







Mr. Gold: I’ll never understand the appeal of Mass Effect 3. Bloody disappointment in my book



Archie: I think it’s great! But I’m catching up on you! I’m gonna get us to the next level! I’m gonna win! I’m gonna-



*Power goes out.*
Archie: NOOOOOOOOO!
Mr. Gold: I win.



Mary: Um…if everything’s dark then how are we gonna get down?



Leroy: Looks like we’re selling candles! We…better get down there and have them sold before the town steals them all



Mary: Yay. How sweet, they’re already starting to riot.



Nova: Stupid fireflies! I thought you guys worked on a schedule!



Nova: Where have you been? I totally have something to show you!






Dreamy: Ho Hum.



Dreamy: It’s….kinda small.



Nova: Well silly that’s because it’s only the miniature one that I bought at Wal Mart, I’m about to enlarge it! I just wanted to make sure it was the right one! *Giggles* Because when I went and got the Fisher Price one from the kids aisle everyone in Fairy Class called me an idiot.



Dreamy: Um…yeah…about that…I think that maybe you should stick with that. Because I read about the Titanic in…Dwarf school and it doesn’t end well.



Nova: Um…that one hit an iceberg and I don’t think there are ice bergs here. In fact I don’t think there are even oceans. Isn’t this JUST supposed to be a giant forest world?



Dreamy: Don’t question it, Nova! Just accept the fact that we can’t be together!













Nova: Wh-what?



Dreamy: I sort of had a talk with your boss and she sort of hinted that you MIGHT be a little off your meds. I don’t know…I think her boobs did some of the talking.








Nova: That cleavage HOBAG! Whatever she said about me it’s totally a lie. Just because I decided I love you after only having two conversations and you are one year old…that’s not a BAD THING!



Dreamy: Nova. I think you’re jumping the gun here.



Nova: BUT I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT, AND I ALREADY DUMPED THE FAIRY DUST AROUND THE BLUE FAIRY’S ROOM AND WROTE “I QUIT” IN GLITTER ON HER FAVORITE CLOUD! I GOTTA GO BACK AND FACE THAT NOW!



Dreamy: Yeah, I’m like a year old. I can’t bring this up enough because it’s really sort of creepy. I know we might age different or something but it’s established that you’re quite a bit older than me and for some reason it just…is a bit creepy.



Nova: *Emits a sonic wail that shatters glass*



Dreamy: Goodbye person I spent less time than it takes to cross the street.



Nova: *Sniffles* Time to jump.



Not!Dreamy: I kicked about every dwarf on my way down here and for some reason it made me feel better.



Sneezy: Whoa, sailing around the world was FAST.
*Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves understands what happened immediately but doesn’t tell anyone so as not to hurt Not!Dreamy. He’s awesome like that.



Not!Dreamy: We sort of broke up.



Sneezy: Well hanging out with your fraternity will certainly make up for it! Bossy wanted to burn your axe but we talked him into waiting for a while until after the shift so we could all enjoy- er…I mean…be forced to see the example that was made.



Bossy: Dreamy’s back and it’s obvious he’s not happy about it! Raise the roof! Hey…check out my rocking biceps…



Not!Dreamy: You always meant more to me anyway my beloved pickaxe *Is lying*



Not!Dreamy: Imagine Bossy’s head.



Not!Dreamy: DIE BOSSY DIE! WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!



*SUBLETY!*



Bossy: Yeah um…here’s a new one …I’m really considering that job transfer now….



*And now the pickaxes are mocking him*



Grumpy: I’m feeling a bit Grumpy now.



Grumpy: Yyyyeeaahhhhh…wait, are we born knowing how to read?



Mary: This is amazing! Everyone suddenly sort of likes me now! Look at all the new bestie potential!
Leroy: Um…I’m here too.



Extras: We need the candles so we can burn the town down! 







Mary: Wait…where did everybody go? They just magically disappeared as we happened to sell out.



Mary: Looks like you might be getting some after all!



Leroy: *Squees*



*Glomps*



Leroy: Oh crap, you’re rubbing off on me!



Mary: That’s not a bad thing, right?



Leroy: Um… I’m going over there now.



Random Nun: It’s a good thing you chased off Mr. Gold for us Astrid, because there’s no way he would’ve stopped pursuing us if you’d accepted his offer. You’re like a hero now!



Leroy*Tilts head* S’up woman of mine?



Astrid: Oh my gosh, you did it! You’re my hero! I would consider leaving the convent for you but let’s face it, I probably won’t be mentioned again unless the writers just randomly decide to bring me back which is unlikely seeing as this was a filler episode but like the van episode from Lost…we can still hope that this ‘okay’ episode will pay off somewhere down the line!



Leroy: I didn’t understand most of that but…sure.



Astrid: I’ll take that money…hope a strong wind doesn’t pick up and the lid is loose because I’m JUST the sort of person that’ll happen to!



Leroy: You know I’m gonna fix that boat since Mr. Gold brutally shot the offer of me selling it to him down! And you can be my first passenger…first female passenger. Mr. Gold and Archie called dibs on being the first passengers. They said something about how they’re going to sit on the deck and get drunk off root beer and snark at everyone they see as we sail around our…lake.



Astrid: That is SO romantic!



Leroy: Yep. I still got it.



Leroy: Now would you mind walking me to the hospital…I have some electrical burns I Need looked at.



Astrid: *Two minute long gasp* We won’t need candles! The fireflies of love will guide us.



*There’s a reason I always forget this moment right here happened.*




* I wonder who this “Green” is that she’s called like 4 different times*



*Oh good, I HAVE been spelling her name right*



Emma: If you’re looking for Henry then I should tell you that I’m just as stumped about where he is as you are.



Regina: Pfft, like I care where he is when he isn’t with you.



Emma: *Pouts*



Regina: I’m deeply more concerned about my friend. Have you found anything because if you have then I immediately demand that you tell me!



Emma: I don’t divulge that kind of information to anyone who is NOT a superhero…or at least pretending to be one. 



Regina: Well I hope you do your job Ms. Swan because the moment I see you NOT devoting 24/7 search for my buddy then I’ll have you fired and…I don’t know…Mother Superior will take your place as Sheriff.



Regina: You’re not even allowed to sleep.



Emma: Well it’s a good thing they hid all the caffeine here then….



Mary: Oh I’m so glad they didn’t use their candles to burn me at the stake when Regina didn’t show up.



Mary: I’m pretty sure they could’ve figured it out from the empty booth but…whatever.
*Her sign is a lie anyway. There’s a candle right next to her.*



Mary: Well…time to cry in my pillow. Just like old times.



*David fails at everything*



Mary: Keep your head high; keep your head high….



Mary: Oh please don’t beat me up again!



Granny: Here…so your scarf catches on fire.



Mary: AW! *tears up* You care!



David: I wish I didn’t have to pay all the bills on my own now. I can’t even afford a candle.



Emma: Hey, why are you randomly standing around with absolutely no friends? Oh wait; I just remembered who I was talking to!



David: *Is trying to think of a comeback. *



David: OH yeah? Well…you’re going to be Mrs.…Gold one day.



Emma: I’m taking you in just for THAT.



David: Me and my big yap.



Extra: She sure likes putting guys in the backseat doesn’t she?



Mary: Wow….I don’t think I’ve ever dated a cold blooded murderer before! I better go home right now and write about it in my diary!



David: But I don’t WANNA go to the pound!

The End.


-I own Nothing. The game screen was from Mass Effect…I guess its “2”. I don’t play the game and it was the first screen I found on Google.

Mr. Carlyle has his “Dearies” on twitter so from henceforth; you are the “Besties”














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