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Friday, February 15, 2013

113 - What Happened to Frederic









Frank: For the last time, this wedding is going to happen this time LLOYD!
Lloyd: I was on vacation when they called me in today!


George: I think we need to rethink our police roadblock and actually make it so that people trying to get past just can’t go around the trees we’ve set up.



George: Your majesty! How do you like our limo we sent for you?
Kathryn: It would’ve been a lot better if you hadn’t posted photos of James on the other side of the wall and I had a big heart for a window and “Tale as Old as Time” was playing on a continuous loop in the cab. And even that last part might have been tolerable if Frank and Lloyd didn’t decide to sing along!


George: I’m so happy to have you as part of my family!


Kathryn: Oh. I’m not.


George: As long as you don’t throw yourself off the roof until you give me a grandson then you can think whatever you like. But I assure you, if you give Charming a chance then he’ll grow on you…


Charming: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!


George: Like a cancer.


Kathryn: You know…I’d be more inclined to believe that if it wasn’t the eighth time I’ve been stood up.


George: Oh I give you my word that a wedding will take place even if I have to stand in his place and marry you myself!


Abigail: *Laughs Hysterically*
George: I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.


George: You better get that boy here right now before he embarrasses me!
Abigail: LLOYD! LLOYD! I THINK I JUST PULLED SOMETHING! I CAN’T BREATHE!


Charming: My girly scarf will hide me!


*Is being chased*


Charming: Did I just bolt last second? Did I push my bodyguard down and make a break for it? How come I’m not five miles from the palace yet?!


*Why are they shooting at him? Isn’t Abigail going to wonder why she’s marrying someone with an arrow sticking out of his back?!*


Charming: Wheee! Shepherds are world renown for their horseback riding and jumping skills!


Charming: *Giggles*


Frank: Oh jumping over that branch is too hard!
Lloyd: Oh well, I give up.
Frank: We’re the laziest guards ever! I GUESS we can just go around and waste time.


*Why is Charming riding like he knows these woods?*


Frank: Oh no we lost him!
Lloyd: But there’s like…one road!


Frank: I am SO not looking forward to writing THIS report.


*How do they not see him?! He’s like four feet away and wearing that obvious attention getting rather nice shade of red!*


Charming: And to think those morons could’ve been my army!


Charming: I’m glad I’m not that easy to get the drop on!


Charming: *Screams like a girl*


*Just in case you forgot the cheating scumbag was married*


*Is awkward*


David: This chicken is boring!


Kathryn: That was my plan! I was going to bore you to get you into a conversation! David guess what? I got a job to be a marriage counselor because our marriage is so rock solid that everyone in town is so jealous and they want us out! It’s gonna be in Boston and we can start over!


David: *Giggles* Hooray!


David: Wait a minute, Boston isn’t in Storybrooke!


Kathryn: Yes David….I know.


David:….Well why on Earth would I want to move into a town that doesn’t have Mary Margarets to make out with in broad daylight?


Kathryn: Well I don’t know…what’s wrong with making a life changing decision without the consent or approval of my significant other?


David: *Is aggravated* I’m going to have to go talk to my girlfriend now!


Kathryn: Your WHAT?!


David: I…I said…Gold…friend.


Kathryn: Oh…I wasn’t aware you two were hanging out.


Charming: I know Rumpelstiltskin sent you all to bring me back to pay for all the things I stole from him but it isn’t going to work. I know all your faces and I’M TELLING EVERYONE EVERYTHING!


Prat the Prankster: Just hold still and I’ll make this decapitation as pain free as possible!


Charming: *Girly scream*
Prat the Prankster: Oh get over it, you’re free.


Abigail: Prat was always such a jokester.


Charming: Hey! How long was I under that hood? Nice to see that you had time to unpack your bags, get properly dressed, and slip away from the castle in riding gear!


Abigail: My elite SWAT team tells me that you were horrifically easy to take down. How did you survive this long?


Charming: My mom always said it was due to lots of luck.


Abigail: I’d believe it.


Charming: Me too. Hey, that was an insult!


Abigail: Trust me David, I have my own spies in the castle but after the eighth time you stood me up I sort of figured out that the idea of us getting married disgusts you as much as it disgusts me.


Charming: I am so happy to know that we’re on the same page.


Abigail: That doesn’t make me feel as satisfied as it should.


Abigail: Hey! Isn’t that my scarf?!


Charming: *Is a horrible liar* Uh….no?


Abigail: *Takes fighting stance* Give it back.


Abigail: Now.


Charming: Come and take it.


Abigail: Oh, you can keep it for now pretty princess, but you have to sleep sometime.


Charming: *Is worried* I’m not scared of you!


David: So I’m thinking the move to Boston might affect our affair.


Mary: Why don’t you say ‘affair’ a little louder David, I don’t think the entire neighborhood heard you.


David: I could always club her over the head, give her amnesia. She could forget about moving to Boston and we could be together!


Mary* Is considering it*


Mary: David, knowing your success rate at getting anything done, I’m afraid you might kill her.


David: Nonsense! I always get what I want! I got both of you didn’t I?


Mary: I don’t even know how to dignify that with a response!


Mr. Gold: I can’t believe you picked him over me!


Mary: Me either.


Mary: I think it’s time that we tell Kathryn what we’ve been doing!


David: But I don’t want to hurt her feelings!
*Seriously*


David: And carrying on our affair behind her back is going to spare those feelings that I don’t want to hurt so…I don’t know what to tell you.



Mary: *Can’t believe what she’s hearing.*


Mary: Well, enjoy Boston then.


David: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.


Mary: Well that doesn’t surprise me.


Mary: If you break up with her and tell her about us and utterly crush her hopes after the both of you were supposedly trying to repair your relationship then it’ll be for the best…for us at least.


David: We’re…sort of horrible people aren’t we? I’m oddly okay with that.


Mary: No David, you are. I’m not the married one.


David: No Mary! You can’t make me tell! The town will turn on me far harder than they’ll turn on you!


Mary: Sweet deal for me!


Mary: In your face! *Sashays off*


David: Being unlikable is so tedious…why do I look like I’m smirking?


Emma: Nothing makes me happier than having Mr. Gold tied up in jail with an ice cream cone shoved in his mouth. Finally I can look forward to a nice quiet uneventful breakfast at Granny’s.


Stranger: *Jumps out of the bushes* What’s up, buttercup?


Stranger: Wanna hang out?


Emma: Hmm…no.


Stranger: *Looks sexy*


Emma: You know I can’t look at you when you do that. You get your way at everything.


Stranger: I know. I know everything about you. I know that you’re going to talk to Mary Margaret about her dirty dirty affair and then you’re going to talk to Archie about him dating Ruby and according to your diary you really are jealous even though you pretend you aren’t. I know about you and this town, Emma. I know all about you and this town.


Emma: *Giggles*


Emma: *Looks away so she isn’t affected* Move out of my way.


Emma: *Stomps on foot*
Stranger: ACH! MY FOOT!


Emma: If it was that easy, I’d be Mrs. Gold by now.


Stranger: Oh Emma, I feel like I’ve been issued a challenge!


Emma: I’m not going out on a date with you! There's already a waiting list!


Stranger: I’ll break the ice. My name is really August W. Booth.


Emma: As in…John Wilkes Booth?


August: No relation… or at least I hope not.


August: Have that tight jeaned backside here right after work and I’ll take you on the ride of your life baby.


Emma: That won’t happen


August: On my…on my motorcycle.


Emma: *Is a little disappointed*


*Does anyone else find it a bit hilarious that Snow White’s wedding ring is on Mary Margaret’s middle finger?*


Emma: Mary! You wouldn’t believe what just happened!


Mary: I don’t care! Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! I’ve reached home wrecker status now!


Emma: Wow, telling me something I already know, huh? I should rename you “Kristin from E!online”. Everyone knows you guys are having an affair! You two practically skip down the street holding hands!


Mary: Wait! How did you know? I got all my lessons on being subtle when I was dating Mr. Gold!


Emma: Think about what you just said.


Emma: The only thing he’s missing is a big flashing sign that he can carry around that says “I know what’s going on.”


Mary: David’s going to leave that tramp wife of his and we’re going to get married and you might have to find a new place to live so we don’t have to kick you out every evening because even though we’re still young I think we have a lot we need to catch up on.


Emma: Ew. I think I just realized what that means.


Mary: Do you think we can get Henry to be the flower girl and ring boy at our wedding? 


Emma: No!


Mary: You’re just out to ruin my big day aren’t you? What kind of bestie are you? I was even going to make sure I threw the bouquet in a way that you and Archie could both catch it together! And I was going to make you wear white too! Just in case…


Emma: I am not dating Archie anymore!


Mary: But why?! The only other option is Mr. Gold and as amazing and romantic and healthy as that would be; you just don’t seem interested!


Mary: *Gasp* Are you dating Leroy?


Emma: Mary, have you been drinking caffeine again?


Mary: I don’t know what you’re talking about.





Emma: You’re impossible to talk to when you’re like this.


Mary: *Bounces so fast in seat that she looks like she’s sitting still*


Kathryn: I miss the days when going through your spam didn’t take a half day to get through.


David: Hey sweetiekins, you know how MR. Gold is a lawyer for all occasions? I think we should look into the divorce aspect.
Kathryn: Why? Do you know someone who might need it?


David: Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhh….


David: *Is still a bad liar* I heard Regina and…and Marco tied the knot and I was just seeing what you thought would be a good solution when that marriage breaks up in the five minutes it was destined to last.


Kathryn: That seems like a rather odd pairing.


David: Also I think that we should double date them there in the divorce office. 


Kathryn: *Starts sobbing*


David: Oh Honey bunches of oats, don’t be like that!


Kathryn: *WAILS* WHHHHYYYY?


David: Lalalalalala!


David: *IS slapped* Ow.


Kathryn: Shut up, scumbag!


David: *Is shoved*


David: Well…the way…I see it…this is your fault because you don’t satisfy me the way that other women who hardly know me do!


Kathryn: *Epic glare*


David: Please make my murder quick.




Charming: 
What’s the point of me still wearing this scarf? Everyone practically saw me wearing it so isn’t the point of this disguise done and gone?



Abigail: I swear if he opens his mouth one more time…..


Charming: Hey! I just realized that you committed the horrible crime of not wanting to be married to me! How insulting!


Abigail: No no, I’ll slap him myself.


Prat the Prankster: FINE! I’ll get you next time pretty boy…next time…


Charming: Why should you want to protect me and do something nice! How dare you! I thought royalty was all snobby and stuff!


Abigail: Or maybe I just wanted to bring you here for other motives than rescuing you!


Charming: Everyone always wants something from me! Rumpelstiltskin wanted my brother and then he wanted me! My mommy wanted me to go hang with the king! The king wanted me to go hang with Midas! Midas wanted me to kill the dragon! The dragon DIDN’T want me to kill it and my girlfriend wanted a restraining order!


Abigail: Uh-huh. Your life sucks SO bad.


Charming: Thank you! Oh wait you were being sarcastic again  weren’t you? Put a sign on or something!


Abigail: Oh Charming, I had such high hopes for you today…


Charming: You’d be surprised at how often I hear that.


Abigail: Oh I seriously doubt I would be.


*Are handsy*


Charming: Wait a minute! I thought you said that you DIDN’T want to date me! Talk about mixed signals!


Charming: I think I could’ve walked to the big honkin’ shiny statue by myself you know!
Abigail: I’ve heard all about your attention span moron, I’m walking you on a leash everywhere you go.


Charming: That statue is MIGHTY impressive.
Abigail: *Is drooling* Yes. It. Is.


Abigail: It’s a monument to the guy who actually wanted to marry me without running away screaming *Shoots mental glares at Charming*
Charming: He must’ve been one brave man *Is oblivious*


Abigail: He was cut down in battle...that fine brave man of mine! *Is drooling*


Charming: It’s so lifelike!


Abigail: That’s because he’s actually in there!


Charming: Gah! *Removes hand in record time*


Abigail: You know how I just said that he was cut down in battle? Yeah well that wasn’t entire true. Turns out my father’s army is made up largely of incompetents who didn’t see an ambush coming even though we were in the middle of the desert. So Frederick knocked my father off his horse and then….fell on him or something. Apparently my father forgot his glove that day and alas my Frederick is nothing more than a lobby decoration now.


Charming: That’s the first person I’ve ever heard about who got ‘death by groping’ put on their death certificate.


Charming: Have you tried true love’s kiss? I heard that that combined with some chicken soup will help clear any curse.


Abigail: Charming, he sort of has his helmet in the way.


Charming: I’m trying to help you and you keep shooting down my ideas!


Abigail: Well your ideas suck!


Abigail: There are only two ways to help him! One is to entrust Rumpelstiltskin but I refuse to be caretaker of his rather large estate and he got insulted and won’t return my calls. The other is to go to this mystical lake to retrieve some water but none that go there ever return…something about a monster that needs killing and only the noblest person imaginable can defeat it….


Charming: Yeah, I’m down with that!


Abigail: Holy crap that was easy! I mean…no! You mustn’t! You’ll die!


Charming: I spit on your silly dying belief!


Charming: You will walk me though, right?


Abigail: After all you’ve put me through I have no problem being the witness to confirm you got eviscerated.


Charming: Buddies!


Charming: Oh wait, you just insulted me.


Abigail: You are catching on remarkably well.


Charming: Thanks!


Abigail: …..


Abigail: That was sarcasm too, you TWIT!


Charming: See, I knew that.


Abigail: No you didn’t.


Charming: Yes I did.


Abigail: No you didn’t!


Abigail: Frederick? What do you think?


*Is neutral*


August: Don’t mind me, I’m just doing suspicious things with the book of my newest archenemy.


*How come if I wanted to do things like this then I’d have to pay a library fine?*


*Suspicious deeds!*


Regina: Happy BIRTHDAY!


Henry: My birthday was three months ago.


Regina: Uh…..happy 3 month anniversary!


Henry: Oh goodie….a….video game controller….


Regina: And next year if you’re good enough then you might get the plug!


Henry: It’ll only be cool if Emma could play with me!


Henry: Can I go play Dance Dance Revolution with Granny?


Regina: Please don’t make me imagine that.


Henry: Sometimes she dresses like one of the women from “Dancing with the Stars” just so she can get into character.


Regina: *Almost throws up* You just made me imagine it.


Kathryn: Kid, no one loves you. Get lost.


Regina: Kathryn’s right Henry, I’ll see you later tonight. Dress warm you know how much I care about you.


Kathryn: *SNUFFLES* David’s left me.


Regina: What? Again?


Kathryn: Yeah, it's becoming quite a habit. If I had just made him sleep on the porch then this would never have happened but you insisted on making me give him a chance!


Regina: Well I wanted the two of you together because I apparently hate you enough to ship you with him…or I hate Snow enough to keep them apart…maybe both. But this would never have happened if you actually kept track of him for five minutes. I mean everyone knows about the affair but you! IT was even on the front page!


Kathryn: You said whhhaaa’?


Regina: Oh. Hold on. I have to pretend that I thought you knew.


Kathryn: *Tries not to start sobbing on Regina’s coat* It’s okay. If he loves her then who am I to stand in the way of that?!


Regina: Wait, what? NO! No, you’re not supposed to care or forgive them; you’re supposed to grab the nearest car and bowl them over like bowling pins!
Kathryn: WWWHHHHYYYYYY?


Regina: I had this all planned out and you’re ruining it!


Kathryn: Wait a minute! Why didn’t you tell me that they were having an affair?


David: Hey honey, smell my breath!


Regina: Well I thought you two were working it out….which makes no sense because how can you two work it out if he’s continually seeing a woman on the side?


Kathryn: And you kept this from me! What kind of friend are you?!


Regina: I don’t know what my friend rating is. I don’t usually have them.


Regina: But lighten up. Your husband only cheated on you, it’s not like your computer crashed or anything.


Kathryn: *Wails*


Regina: Oh stop crying before I give you something to cry about!


Abigail: People come here to offer gifts to the Guardian of the lake before she brutally slaughters them.
Charming: Who comes to light the candles?


Abigail: Considering that she hasn’t taken any of these gifts back home, you’d think they’d get a clue that she’s not materialistic.


*The Siren without her makeup*


Charming: Well you’re only a woman so you should stay here while I run in there without any clue as to what I’m doing. At the very least you could send in some of your guards see what it is we’re facing but…I guess not?


Charming: If you ever see Snow White, would you give her a kiss for me?


Abigail: *Is horrified* No!


Charming: *Giggles* I just realized what that would look like.


Charming: Well, I’m off!


Charming: Happy working sooonnnngggg!


Abigail: Wait Charming, you’re going the wrong way!


David: Ha! Kathryn can’t kick me out; I got home first so that means I have dibs. And that means I can finally get rid of that creepy owl eye pillow over there in that chair…


David: I better go call my girlfriend so she can decide if we can paint the room purple with black stripes like I’ve always wanted.


Mary: Did you finally tell that man-stealing leech what was what?
David: Eh, sort of, she ran away crying so I’m guessing she got the message.


Mary: Oh that’s so wonderful! Now I don’t have to kill her. All the good places to dump bodies were already stolen by Mr. Gold and Regina.


David: *Faceplam*


David: Can you come over and make me dinner? I don’t think Kathryn’s going to do it anymore.


Mary: I’ll do anything you want to, baby.


David: Heh. Yay.


Mary: Oh and David, crushing the dreams of your wife without even trying to commit to her is the right thing to do.


David: Well…for us at least.


Mary: *Giggles*


Frederick: I’m important!


Kathryn: Hey Mary, I think I might have a knuckle that I want you to see up close and personal! *Slaps, not belts across the face, disappointing at least me* 


Mary: Oh I hope no one saw that!


Kathryn: I should just bounce you down those stairs outside but I’m a far bigger person than either one of you are.


Mary: *Rolls eyes* Oh don’t be dramatic, we were completely honest with each other.


Kathryn:……


Kathryn: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE COMPLETELY HONEST?!


Kathryn: WAS THIS DURING OR AFTER DAVID WOULD SNEAK OFF TO GO HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU WHILE I WAITED FOR HIM IN OUR HOUSE TRYING TO REPAIR OUR MARRIAGE?!


Mary: Um…sometime around that, yeah.


Extra: Ooooo.


Kathryn: *Eye twitch* You better call your new boyfriend and tell him that he’s moving in with you because if I see either one of you again…not only will I throw bowling balls at you butt…


Kathryn: Let’s just say being besties with Regina and being at the top of Mr. Gold’s BFF waiting list has its perks in dealing with people I Don’t like!


Mary: *Is worried*


Charming: Hey, a random lake.


*Starts practicing his stripping routine*


*Fills up with water*


Charming: Well this is easy, why can’t I just fill it up and run? This is the most inefficient lake guardian ever!


Charming: Oh that’s right, the Fairy Tale Land version of me only exists so that the audience doesn’t’ hate me completely.


Charming: Well, I don’t have anything else to do other than to kill a creature that’s only doing its job.


*Every man’s dream*


Siren: I got out of my hot bubble bath for something that won’t even take me five minutes to kill? Ugh, I hate Mondays.


Charming: *Is smitten* No wait! Kill! Kill! Kill!


Emma: Well, he’s three seconds late. I’m gone.


August: *Drives motorcycle out of the bush*  Hi Emma!


Emma: Dangit! Where do you keep coming from?


August: *Turns on ‘The Sexy’* Hop on! I have a completely isolated abandoned place in mind for you!


Emma:…..No. Find another woman to creep out.


Emma: *Puckers*


August: I know you’re just playing hard to get. It’s written all over your face every time you blush and giggle when I pass by in my leather. And it’s apparent by the look on your kid’s face that he hates it more and more.


Emma: *Looking away to avoid the sexy* So? What of it?


August: Well if you start dating me then you don’t have to consider dating Mr. Gold anymore.







Emma: YYYAHHHOOOOO!


Granny: Heh, another one out of Gold’s clutches. His seduction factor is weakening.



Emma: Well, that was fun! I don’t think any of my many MANY suitors have a motorcycle…except for maybe Archie. I always had a feeling that he was holding out on me.



Emma: Aw, I should start dating him again.



August: Well you could but….you know what they say about looking back…you miss the door and run into walls.



Emma: I’ve….never heard that before.



August: *Purposefully showing off his tush* Hey Emma! Check me out!



Emma: Well! Echo! Echo! Echo!



August: So, this is a nice date, right?



Emma: Yeah, nothing says romance like drinking out of a possibly contaminated well that will make us both sick upon drinking the water.



August: Yeah, that’s gonna suck.



August: Drink?



Emma: *Is enamored* Yeah. *Giggles*



August: I’ll bet you’re curious as to why I brought you out here in the middle of the woods with no one to hear your screams.



Emma: It’s kind of creepy when you say it like that.



August: Want to make out?



Emma: Not anymore.



August: But this well is magical! Its water has powers! That’s why I brought you here! To get romantic at the magic well.



Emma: Will it still work after I shove you in there headfirst?



Emma: Ooo, random plaque.



*Let’s not pretend this won’t be important.*



August:  Game time! Let’s play rock, paper, scissors! Scissors! Now beat me!





August: Or we could…stand around randomly….



*Is awkward*



August: High five?



Emma: You’ll do anything to get me to touch you, won’t you?



August: Yyyeeaaahhhh.



Emma: I like your style August.



August: I like my style too!



August: *Drinks*
Emma: Our children are going to be tall, dark, and snarky.



August: Oh yeah, I wouldn’t swallow that. I think it’s got arsenic.



Mary: Well, I better start shopping for baby stuff for the many MANY children that David and I are going to have together!



 Extra 1: Oh no! It’s the bimbo!
Extra 2: Quick! Her skankiness will rub off on us!
Extra 1: Quick! Into this store!
Mr. Gold: Hello Ladies.
Extra 1: Quick, out of the store!



Mary: This street was packed a few seconds ago, why is it suddenly empty when I started talking about my boyfriend?



Granny: DIE! *Punches*
Mary: AUGH! My air supply!



Granny: You should be ashamed of yourself you little home wrecker! Kathryn’s been sobbing on my bar since she got into the diner and I can’t get her off no matter how much force I use! She’s scaring away business!



Mary: Well maybe you wouldn’t be in such trouble if you’d just let Mr. Gold date you like the rest of us have had to! 



Granny: *Is horrified*



Granny: DOUBLE DIE! *Punches*
Mary: AUGH! My solar plexus!



Mary: Who would’ve thought me getting involved with a married man that can’t even make up his mind would end badly?



Charming: Don’t look through her wet clingy dress; don’t look through her wet clingy dress...



Siren: You know…most intelligent guys would run away by now.



Charming: I’m not like them!







Charming: I just insulted myself didn’t I?



Siren: I can be anyone you want me to be…



Siren: As long as it’s not too perverted.



Charming: Will you be Penelope Cruz?



Siren: Silly fool, there can only be one Penelope Cruz. But I Think I know someone you want more.



Siren: Transformation!



Sirenstiltskin: Hello dearie!



*And the night was so clear that Charming’s horrified screams were heard from realm to realm*



Siren White: Oh wait, sorry this is what happens when it’s a Monday, let me adjust my frequency



Charming: Okay that’s better….I’m gonna need a lot of brain bleach after that.



Siren White: Now let’s hug and go rolling around the bottom of the ocean.



Charming: You can’t be my girlfriend, you actually WANT me!



Siren White: Well that should make it okay to make out right?



Charming: Eh, I usually don’t hesitate to shove my tongue down the nearest woman’s throat…



*Let’s try and ignore the fact that some fans expected this to be Rumpelstiltskin*



*3 Hours later*



Charming: Wow! That was great! I mean…no! This is wrong!



Siren White: That’s the point!



*More making out*



*12 hours later*



Charming: *Record Scratch* Wait a minute! I just remembered that you want to kill me!



Charming: Oh well, death by doppelganger girlfriend is an okay way to die I guess.



Siren White: Hug Tackle!
Charming: I just remembered that I flunked swimming in boy scouts!



*Under the Sea plays*



*Is it really a good idea to leave him flailing around under water like that with all those weapons? Why can’t she just strangle him while he’s under there?*



*When plants can beat you up, it’s time to start thinking of taking a different career other than ‘monster killer.’*



*Is a knife*



Siren White: Am I trying to suck the air out of him? Why am I still trying to make this making out thing work?!



*Is the newest fish food supply*



Charming: Wow it must suck to be a siren. Imagine having to deal with wrinkled pruny skin all day from living under water!



David: Well this spray paint is certainly coming off quite easily!



Mary: David, who did this?



David: Well…this is gonna sound funny but Regina told me that as a favor to Kathryn I should go spray paint my favorite character from Lady and the Tramp on your car and since it was always “Tramp” well…let’s just say that it was awkward when I saw everyone giggling at me.



Mary: David, you’re an idiot do you know that?!



David: Meh, it comes and it goes.



Mary: I never thought that the town would have double standards against me because of our affair! They should at least hate us equally.  



Mary: But at least we’re going to be together, right?



David: Uh...



Mary: Riiigghhhttt?



David: Okay, I didn’t want to tell you this either but the only reason I lied to both you and Kathryn is because I totally wanted to see you two throw down over me.



Mary: You wanted us to do what?



David: Also me being completely spineless may have had a part to play.



Mary: Why do I like you again?



David: It’s not that bad darling, I Just wanted to spare everyone’s feelings involved. Worked out great!



Mary: I just realized that you’re not that trustworthy of a guy. You’re kind of a jerk actually. I think that now we have a chance to be together I think we should break up.



David: Fine! Maybe I’ll just go make out with Regina!



Mary*IS horrified* Why would you do that?



David:  Aw crap, I just said that out loud didn’t I?



Mary: Class act David. Class act.



 Emma: You know, for being the savior of this town, me being shoved to the background is getting kind of old.



Emma: Hey what a coincidence that I found this right here! What happens if I didn’t clear off the leaves? Or if I missed the box entirely? Would whoever planted it here just grab it, run after me, and plant it here again?






Emma: And without water damage! My luck is AMAZING!



Emma: Not even my boots are waterproof as that box apparently is!



August: Why couldn’t be the person that saves the town?
Emma: *Singsong voice* I got Henry’s book, I got Henry’s book!



Kathryn: You seem more comfortable with plants than you do with people.



Regina: Yeah, they do what I want but I can’t make them scream in terror whenever I come into the room.



Regina: Now what do you want? The last time we talked you verbally threw me down and no one does that which is why I had my murder kit sent over.



Kathryn: Well after I slapped David, Mary, Granny, Ruby, Billie the Mechanic. Pongo, Henry, Ava, Nicolas, Alex Krycek, and Mr. Gold’s random henchman I realized that I now have the best opportunity ever to start over again.



Regina: I thought we went over this. You’re going to stay with David and you were going to like it.

  


Kathryn: Yeah I was all for that. And then I realized my face when hanging with David is usually like this….






Regina: Well that’s understandable.



Kathryn: I mean seriously look at him. HE’s never looked at me like that! That’s love!



Regina: *Smirk/glare* No Kathryn, that’s the look of a puppy that’s happy his master came home.



Kathryn: Well either way, I’m going to Boston because I really don’t people to feel pity for me and if I stay then Mr. Gold is going to ask to be my rebound and I really don’t want to deal with assault charges when I punch him in the face.



Kathryn: Well, I do have to say that I got a lot done today. I’m packed, moving, separating from my husband…um…don’t know where I’m going to live because Boston CAN’T be cheap to live at and I have no idea where I work here but…okay…



Kathryn: You’re such a great friend!



Regina: Please stop touching me.



Kathryn: OF all the people that would make me disappear, I think you’d be the least likely to get it done. 



Regina: Uh….suuuureeeeeee!



Kathryn: I also think I might even go to Alaska and build an igloo!



Regina: I’m obviously plotting your death.


*Best husband ever. He never says a word*



Abigail: I can’t believe that James stabbed me in the abdomen when I demanded he give me my scarf back before he went and died.



Charming: I’m back! Good news! I didn’t run back to you screaming like a girl. There was at one point where it was very tempting though.



Charming: And I brought you the water! If it…feels lighter than it should ….I got thirsty….



Abigail: Of all the people that could’ve gotten this done I never thought it’d be YOU!



Charming:…..



Charming: You know, I don’t think I’m going to let you bother me anymore.



Abigail: Oh princess, you stating that I don’t bother you only cements the fact that I am.



Charming: You know, your boyfriend isn’t getting any younger.



 Abigail: Moment of truth, let’s see whether or not Charming screwed up beyond repair this time.



Frederick: I LIVE!
Random Guard on the Left: I am strangely unbothered by this.  



Charming: How does this work? If he’s completely changed to gold then wouldn’t he be dead?  Why can’t Gepetto’s parents be revived the same way? Was he in some kind of suspended animation or something? Also if someone can turn to gold just because they’re in physical contact then how come the world just doesn’t turn to gold because Midas touched someone? Hey, how does Midas use the bathroom?



Frederick: Does this mean I’ve gone Gold? *Shudders*



Abigail: I would prefer that we never think about that!  



*Makes out*



Charming: Sappy morons.  I'm glad I'm not like that.



Frederick: Whose that freak?



Charming: I’m her fiancĂ©! Dude what’s up?



Frederick:….
Abigail: Don’t listen to him, he’s a jokester! Um…he’s the one that set you free!

Frederick: Wait…HE set me free? If he could get it done then why couldn’t you just knock the siren down and take the water?



Abigail: *Giggles*
Frederick: *Smirks*



Charming: Why does everyone like making fun of me?



Frederick: Because you’re an easy target.
Abigail: * Continues giggling* 



Abigail: Your purpose is done. You can continue your life as a fugitive.  



Charming: Wait….why can’t you guys just tell Midas that I saved your clumsy boyfriend and he’ll be so happy that he helps my kingdom and my fake daddy stops hunting me?



Abigail: Because we’re in love.



Charming: *Is trying to be demeaning* That makes absolutely no sense.



Charming: I’m going to get away from you weirdoes and go find someone else that insults me all the time except she’s my one true love.



*Fakes out*



Charming: I’m serious! I’m leaving! You’ll have to find a whole new monster killer!



Abigail: Well….bye!



Charming: I give them five minutes before they run after me, begging for my help.
Frederick: Does this armor make me look fat?



Regina: Which friggin’ key is it?!



Regina: Stupid home of faux lovers *Glares*






Regina: You know, I could leave this here and he’d probably never even notice it was here.




*School in the one day a week it’s apparently in session*



Henry: I was wrong! This is great! My fake mom rules!



Emma: Why are you just pressing buttons on a video game controller?



Henry: Because all the other kids don’t beat me up if I look like I’m doing something cool!



Emma: Oh Henry….



Emma: Well, I hate to give them a reason to restart but since I want to score mommy!points for being an idiot in episode 11…here you go.



Henry: Mybookyoufounditomgwtfbbq!
Emma: Yeah, I found it in the water just after I had a conversation with your soon to be stepdad about water at a well.



Emma: I figure it must’ve been in the dump truck, flew out when the driver hit the brakes, flew in the air, hit the electrical lines, fell, rolled off the awning, bounced off Leroy’s head, fell in the water at the curb and floated down to me.



Henry: Wait, you were hanging out with the stranger?



Emma: He’s going to be your new daddy whether you like it or not, Henry.



Henry: We’ll see about that.



Emma: Henry, get it through your head, if I ever married MR. Gold then I’d never stop running and he’d wear himself out chasing me around trying to get me to perform my wifely duties. Also I’d put myself in a plastic bubble.



Henry: Wait a minute, this isn’t my book. I t feels .0001 pounds heavier!



Emma: Henry! It’s your book! OMG!



Henry: Now we can continue our quest to brutally murder my adopted mother!



Emma: Aw Henry, go team!



Emma: Well, now that I’m done showing you that it’s okay for me to disobey the mayor so you can too…I gotta go before I get caught.



Henry: Yeah, this’ll look good as I’m bludgeoning the stranger to death with it.



*Old Scene*



Charming: Oh…well…I will ALWAYS find her! Even though for all I know she could be dead considering none of us have seen her since she left the palace but…at least I’ll find her corpse!



Red: Like, that’s totally romantic!



Charming: Hey….if this doesn’t work out…you got a boyfriend?



Red: Like…I’m still getting through my divorce with Rumpelstiltskin.



Charming: *Is horrified*



Red: What? It was rush week and he showed up to the sorority house in leather pants!



Charming: Red! No one can resist those!



Red: Like, I know, I was TOTALLY there!



Red: Just like my team of elite sorority con girls were there to help you escape the castle, until you revealed you couldn’t hang-glide out the window because you were scared of heights and your dad caught us!



Charming: Curse heights! My true archenemy!



George: There they are! Tackle them!



Red: Like…who are they?
Charming: My daddy! Hi daddy! I love you!



George: Tie him to a four horses and drive them in four separate directions!



Charming: Oh me, I think it’s time to go. Wow, word spreads fast about broken alliances around here….
Red: I totally could get away faster if I was in the forest, dude!
Charming: Nonsense! I need a human shield!



Mary: Not even all the caffeine in Granny’s diner could get me to feel a buzz.



Emma: Hey um…I’m gonna hate myself for this but I got Bestie Bingo night all set up. Even Archie said he might be coming over.



Emma: It’s also kind of a caffeine intervention too….granny said that you and Kathryn really cleaned her out earlier…



Emma: A part of me would’ve given anything to see you both hugging and crying like people are saying you did.



Mary: I don’t know anything about that or any fire that may have occurred at David’s house today.



Emma: What fire?



Mary: *Starts sobbing* Exactly!



Emma: Where do I sleep anyway?



Emma: So…..I had a date today.



Mary: WAAHHHHH!
Emma: Maybe that wasn’t a good way to start off this conversation.



Regina: I’m really glad that David returned that to me. Because I really don’t’ see me creeping around town spray-painting this on people’s cars.






Regina: Why did I come home and stick it in the drawer just to take it out on the exact same day approximately an hour later or so?



Kathryn: I can’t wait for bowling night with Best Friend in Trailing Bowling Night with Mr. Gold.



Kathryn: HE always knows how to make me feel better.



*No! Don’t do that Regina! It’ll burn!*



Kathryn: Why couldn’t I just leave a breakup text like everyone else?



Regina: Ah, I love fire.



Regina: OH wait! Hot! Hot! Hot!



Frederick: Well, nothing like taunting the forces of whatever’s holding me back by toeing the line and hey…what’s that?



*The people of Storybrooke really need to treat their vehicles better*



Frederick: Well maybe my first grade story will turn out to be true and my true love will be inside!



Frederick: Anything?



Frederick: Anything?



Frederick: Well…guess not…uh…yay! New car!



Regina: UNLIMITED SMIRK POWER!
The End

I own nothing
























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