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Saturday, February 16, 2013

122 - A Land Without Magic








 Charming: Neh! Ngya!


Charming: I tried beating the lock with my knuckles but no luck.


Charming: Ugh, rock lock beating is such an exhausting sport. And I dropped my only giant rock. I could’ve used that to beat the guards head in when he came in with the keys!


Murphy the Guard: Great you idiot, you jammed the lock! We gotta call in the janitor to get the door undone!


*3 Hours Later*
Murphy the Guard: Oh, stop acting all mopey. We killed your girlfriend; it’s not like your XBOX 360 online profile was hacked!


Charming: Um…I’m still waiting for my last meal.
Murphy the Guard: Chocolate covered French fries dipped in peanut butter on top of mac and cheese placed in a bowl in a plate of chili with Oreo junks inside is NOT going to happen, our chef threw things at us and yelled in French when we brought it up.


*Collapses*
Charming: No!
Murphy the Guard: Oh get up! We’re just going to kill you a little.
Charming: That is NO inducement for me to stand, Murphy.


Murphy: Fine! Simon, I’ll hold him down and you punch him in the breadbasket.


Charming: Inner elbow pinch!
Simon the Guard: NO! We’re not equipped to deflect that!


Charming: Huh. That was pretty easy. Good thing I forgot about getting shot by Snow’s arrow or else I think it would start hurting again.


Charming: Another good thing I learned to fight from the sheep. They always put up such a struggle when it was shearing time.


The Huntsman: Ha HA! I never miss!


Charming: Oh no! He won’t think to look for me if I duck to the bottom left of the screen!


*Fires*


Charming: GAH! You shot me!


The Huntsman: Oh don’t be a baby! I was aiming for the other guy, you just HAPPENED to get in the way.
*1/3rd of the audience gasps*
*1/3rd of the audience tries to remember who that is*
*1/3rd of the audience yawns because they read the spoiler months ago*


The Huntsman: Don’t worry, I shall save you!


Charming: Well it shouldn’t be that hard, the front door is right there.


The Huntsman: Oh shut up. I’m just letting you know that I can’t go with you to keep you from failing because the Queen has my life in your hands. Don’t forget me, okay?


Charming: I shall! Even though I seem to forget completely about you as soon as I leave this door. Maybe it’s because you look better in leather than I do. But I think that’s only because you come with an accent.


The Huntsman: Be jealous!


Charming: I will be!


The Huntsman: And say hi to Snow for me!


Charming: I won’t!


The Huntsman: Wait, how do you know Snow?



Emma: Oh Henry, stop playing dead, I can see you smirking!


Nurse: Get out of the way!
Emma: I’m not leaving him!


Dr. Whale. Fine! Get in the way of us saving his life!


Emma: He ate this!


Dr. Whale: You let him have one of Regina’s GOPOPATs? Woman, are you insane? Didn’t you listen to EVERYONE who stopped you randomly in the street and go ‘Hey Emma, no matter what happens, don’t eat Regina’s GOPOPATs’? I mean what part of GOOD OLD PASSING OUT POISONED APPLE TURNOVER don’t you get?


Emma: I just thought they were all insane!


Dr. Whale: Well whatever happened to him, this food isn’t the cause…even though I have no test to confirm that. Mostly because of budget cuts and because I’m too lazy to order them. Though the REAL cause is because that would take time and we’re going a bit over for this finale as it is.


Dr. Whale: By the way, will this ruin your chances at marrying Mr. Gold? Because if so, I would totally date you.


Emma: Okay, I know Henry used to say he had a whole stash of weapons hidden in here, I think its high time I use it.


Dr. Whale: So…that’s a ‘no’ then? Ugh, what does he have that I haven’t got?


*Are flashes*
Flash!Charming: Are you gonna get an explanation for what just happened? No! Of course not! The writers are more than happy to leave you confused! Remember, they wrote LOST and that excuse just solves everything.


Regina: Who on earth decided to rescue my son WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION FIRST?!
Emma: Oh, it’s on!


Fanfic Writers: When I said that I wanted Regina and Emma in the supply closet, that’s NOT what I had in mind!


Regina: Ouch! Stop strangling me! That GOPOPAT was meant for you! Didn’t you listen when I told you not to share!?


Emma: Well sure, that just makes it all better now doesn’t it?!


Regina: Kind of! It was supposed to put YOU to sleep! This is YOUR fault!


Emma: How does that logic work?


Regina: I don’t know! My logic just throws people off long enough for me to get the upper hand.


Emma: Well it doesn’t work for me! I’m immune!


Regina: This sucks, not because Henry’s dying but because I know who we have to go to in order to get help.


Regina: Since I’m ill equipped to do anything on my own, then we’ll just have to seek help from your darling fiancé. Or as we call him “Rumpelstiltskin.”


Emma: EW! I’m marrying an imp?


Regina: Well this just tightens my corset!


Charming: Uh…I Hate to tell you this but Charming and his inefficient self escaped. I think it might’ve been because I wanted to be your one and only love slave.


Regina: No. Stop! You think I’d cheat on you with HIM?! Have you SEEN him?! Just because he wears leather doesn’t mean squat. He doesn’t even come with an accent!


Regina: And yet somehow he still escaped you! A palace full of guards! Smallville’s Lex Luther has better security than I do!


The Huntsman: Really? We’re doing this now? But I’m not even wearing my doctor’s outfit.


Regina: Sorry honey, not getting my way has left me being not in the mood.


The Huntsman: That’s a first.


Regina: It doesn’t matter though…sending him to the infinite forest is FAR better than…killing him and preventing him from finding a way out and waking Snow up.


*Is skipping*


Charming: Ow, I fell down.


Charming: Huh. This random piece of forest looks different to the other random piece of forest I was running in earlier.


*Is running*


*Charming isn’t ending up in the same clearing because of magic. He’s just running around in circles*


Rumpelstiltskin: Nice view, but I don’t want to see where your brain is stashed.


Rumpelstiltskin: Hi, I’ve been watching you for like three hours. I was throwing acorns and rocks at you. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed. No wait, I just realized who I was talking to. I’m not surprised at all…


Charming: Are you done admiring the view that’s far better than yours? I’d give you lessons but I only give them to people that I like.


Rumpelstiltskin: And you’re just jealous of my rather large estate that I know can house all my fangirls. I know if I got thrown in here, they’d storm every realm responsible until they got me back. What have YOUR fangirls done as of late?


Rumpelstiltskin: I’m here to make sure you don’t randomly fall off a cliff before you get out of here.


Charming: Why would there be random cliffs in a world that’s only a giant forest?


Rumpelstiltskin: Yes because we have oceans and mountains in this world, but for some reason cliffs are a RIDICULOUS concept!


Rumpelstiltskin: There’s only one way you’re getting out of this Princess Charmless. And that’s my way.






*And the realms were so clear that day that Charming’s screams were heard realm to realm*



Rumpelstiltskin: I have just enchanted your ring so that the closer you get to your kind of dead girlfriend, the brighter it’ll glow.


Charming: And how close do I have to get before that starts working, isn’t this land ginormous?


Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating* Isn’t this land ginormous. *Rumpelstiltskin voice* Oh grow up Charming, and learn to do something yourself as long as it means that I help you and you do exactly what I want to fit my agenda.


Charming: Gimme!
Rumpelstiltskin: No! It’s supposed to be ours!
Charming: GIMME!


Rumpelstiltskin: Only if you attend my sexual harassment class!


Charming: Like frig I will! *Swings sword*


Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, that was rather sexy!


Rumpelstiltskin: Still trying swords huh? You should just try grenades, they’re MUCH easier. Now, pay attention Charming, I’m going to show you everything you don’t do in a workplace or public environment. Now if only my fan girls would pay attention…


*Is wildly flailing around*


Rumpelstiltskin: Let’s play “Who has the bigger sword!?” Oh by the way, it’ll be me.
Charming: Ewwww!


Rumpelstiltskin: Playing hard to get? Persistent! *Taps backside* Mmmm
Charming: Ewwwww!


Rumpelstiltskin: Oh! Eager to start taking off clothes are you?
Charming: EWWWWW!


Rumpelstiltskin: *Random Twirl*


Charming: Wait a minute! I just remembered that I have two swords!
Rumpelstiltskin: Aw Charming, only the length of one will do.
Charming: EWWWWW!


Rumpelstiltskin: I COULD just smack that sword away but I’m not bored of watching do tricks yet.


Rumpelstiltskin: No no! Not my hair.
Charming: It’s in desperate need for a cut!
Rumpelstiltskin: Not while it’s this damp! I just got out of the shower! Do you know what happens to my hair when it’s wet and then cut?! Madness I tell you!


Rumpelstiltskin: This isn’t working. I’ll have to use the last resort. That usually works. *Ahem* Had enough? Of trying to resist me?


Charming: I enjoy playing ‘hard to get’ far too much!


*Is sword slapped*


Rumpelstiltskin: My gorgeous face! You ruined it! Do you know how hard it is to get it looking this nice every morning? I have to spend two hours in front of the mirror just to make sure my foundation matches my teeth! And you nearly took out one of my snake eyes! They’re the best part about me! My fangirls would STORM THIS PLACE if they knew what you did!


Charming: *Runs up tree, jumps off, spins in half circle, prepares to kick Rumpel’s head in*


*And then fails.*


Rumpelstiltskin: Wow. That was pathetic. I only had to step a little to the left. Now who’s better than who now, mud butt?


Charming: Does this mean I passed your class?


Rumpelstiltskin: So brave…so gallant…so pointless…against my charms that is.


Rumpelstiltskin: Hasn’t it occurred to you that all my helping means that we both want the same thing?


Rumpelstiltskin: By the way, do I have something in my teeth?


Charming: Yeah…you got a little…


Rumpelstiltskin: No one’s ever been this honest with me before!


*Is clearly trolling him*


Charming: *Is mentally crying*


Mary: Hm. Wonder why everyone’s gathering around the hospital.


*Jumps out of the bush, stumbles and falls*
David: Hi Mary. I was just watching you…keeping you safe as you went to Blockbuster, and Mr. Clark’s Generic General Store…and then home and then to Granny’s and probably back home again like you do every Thursday at 9:15 at night…



David: Can I live with you? Kathryn took over the house since she moved back and she won’t let me in.


Mary: Go sleep in the gutter, David! It’s stalking if I don’t want it and I don’t want it!


David: I was just stopping to tell you that I was wrong about everything.


Mary: It doesn’t help if you tell me this AFTER my name was cleared, you know that, right?


David: And I keep making the wrong decision and I don’t understand what keeps happening?


Mary: Because you keep looking at your choices and picking the one that looks like it has the least resistance and has the bigger wall to crash into. That’s why.


David: But what I’m feeling for you is love. And acid reflux…


*Belches*


David: *Is proud of himself*


David: Also Kathryn put a down payment on an apartment in Boston and I think that I should move there without any connections or means to support myself. Packing isn’t a problem; Kathryn threw all my stuff out. Unless you give me a reason to stay…


Mary: David, I’m a teacher. I can barely afford the rent as it is and do you know what it’ll be like if you move in? Mr. Gold will be PISSED. He HATES you. He’ll up the rent out of spite and you certainly don’t have the means to keep us afloat with your part time animal shelter job!


David: Fine! *Sniffles* I never liked you anyway!


Mary: Snore.


David: Manly man tears! Oh wait, hold on! I need you to fall down the other cheek! Stupid tear! Mary can’t see you if you’re on this side of my face!


Rumpelstiltskin: This is a vial of true love. It must be protected because if my fangirls get ahold of it…wow the chaos it would cause.


Charming: I’ll take it if I must…it’s the only way I could bear to look at you in a wedding dress…


Rumpelstiltskin: Who said it was for you? Oh wait, you thought I was actually serious a few moments ago? No way Charmless, I’m a desperate man for love but I’m not so desperate as to get with YOU.


Charming: Well that’s a relief. Wait, what do you know about true love?


Rumpelstiltskin: Have you SEEN me?! Most guys only get one true love but apparently I’m lucky enough to get a whole fandom.


Rumpelstiltskin: I rather miss that fine piece of Australian outback. NO one could serve omelets like she could. Oh it’s so hard to be me; she was such a small flame against an ocean of darkness…


Charming: Are you done whining about your love life? I’d like to get to Snow BEFORE Christmas and New Year's.


Rumpelstiltskin: The only reason I let you get away with that is because we’re in a hurry.


Rumpelstiltskin: Now don’t mess this up because true love is important and must be protected no matter what and since I know you’ll mess this up the first chance you get…


Charming: Whoa! The size of the chicken that laid that egg!


Charming: Why are we hiding it again?


Rumpelstiltskin: Did you not hear my big old speech about how powerful and important love is and how hard it is to bottle this crap?! Pay attention man and stop thinking about stupid questions you’ll have to ask.


Rumpelstiltskin: Typical Charming!



Mr. Gold: Having my bachelor party in the hospital waiting room was about the worst idea in the history of horrible bachelor parties. I don’t know which was worse; the fact that they actually LET Ruby strip or Archie getting drunk of Dr. Whale’s ‘coffee stash’ and stripping WITH her.



Emma: Hey, there you are! I was wondering why my so called beloved fiancé wasn’t at the hospital!



Mr. Gold: Hiiiii Emma! I was just stopping in here to grab some more tissues. I adored Henry you know. He reminded me of me when I was little.



Emma: Dear God, if that’s a hint that Bae might be his father then I’m going to crawl over this table and beat you to death. And are you holding the choices for wedding invitations? You still haven’t sent those out yet? Our wedding’s tomorrow!




Credit: Evil Regal Applegasm



Credit: Kyle Burkhart





Credit: XaXcookingXmonsterX




Mr. Gold:  Oh stop it Emma! You saw what it was like in “Desperate Souls”, getting out posters and invitations the night before the event is common practice here!



Regina: Oh yeah, I think I should tell you that the wedding might get called off because Emma knows you’re an imp who just HAPPENS to be named Rumpelstiltskin.



Mr. Gold: You TOLD?! Rotten big mouth!



Mr. Gold: That’s alright though, Emma and I have the kind of love that transcends appearances and past misdeeds, don’t we pooky?



Emma: Absolutley not.



Mr. Gold: Remember Jefferson and August and how they turned out?



Emma: Ugh. Yes. Yes. Our love knows no bounds. Are you happy now?



Mr. Gold: You still sound like you’re walking to an execution but I think we’re making progress!



*Puckers*



Regina: AT the rate this is going, you two will settle on your 50th wedding anniversary before we get anything resolved.



Mr. Gold: We’ll be SO happy together…just rocking back and forth on our porch swing holding hands.



Mr. Gold: Among other things we’d do on that porch swing… what were we talking about?



Emma: How do I revive Henry?



Mr. Gold: True love, surprise surprise. IT’s the only magic powerful enough to transcend realms and break any curse and I’m so tired of explaining this twice per episode. I believe it’s what we have but unfortunately I forgot how I’m supposed to bottle it so we have to fight a *drags hand over mouth so his mouth so Emma can’t make out the word ‘dragon’.*



Emma: I’m game! I’m totally positive that I can trust you even though the both of you have been lying and using me like a pawn since I got here! Where is it?



Mr. Gold: Where it is isn’t the problem….



Regina: It’s in Maleficent’s stomach! How is that NOT a problem?!



Mr. Gold: Silence idiot queen who always falls for my schemes! The GREAT one is speaking!



Regina: I can handle her!



Mr. Gold: Don’t make me laugh; the only way you’d get it done is if I had to hold your hand the entire time!



Mr. Gold: It has to be her; she’s the protagonist of the show!



Mr. Gold: Not to mention my darling fiancé. *Checks out*



Regina: Don’t trust him Emma. Even though I have MULTIPLE times.



Mr. Gold: You know, you’re not really helping my chances at a healthy love life.



Emma: Okay, so all I have to do is bop this chick named Maleficent on the head and take the true love potion, sounds easy enough…



Mr. Gold: Oh, it’s not on her, it’s IN her.



Emma: Did you just hear what I just heard?



Regina: Yes! What kind of creepy kinky things were you two up do?



Mr. Gold: Oh…wouldn’t you like to know!



Emma: That’s disgusting!



Mr. Gold: Oh make no mistake, the Mr. Gold me is quite virginal.



Emma: IT’s frightening how much that doesn’t surprise me.
Regina: You missed a spot.



Mr. Gold: Well, while we’re at it, it’s time to trade wedding gifts! It’s a good thing you believe or this would be awkward.



Emma: Um…what is that?







Mr. Gold: It’s a sword. Your father’s sword to be exact. Gosh Emma, you’re slow today. I even saved this for you! You can thank me however you wish!



Emma: I am SO glad you’re in a coma before I had to come in and admit that you were right.



Henry: I told you so you Charming Jr.



Emma: Shut up, Henry!



Emma: I’m sticking this under the pillow for when you wake up.
Henry: Thanks for putting my neck at an awkward angle.
Emma: Shut up, Henry!



Regina: You know where to meet?
Emma: It’s not that hard! We only have one street that anything happens on!



Regina: Why do I feel cold?
Emma: It’s the chilly glare I’m sending you.



Regina: I’m sorry….that it was you and not Emma who’s lying in this hospital room right now.



Jefferson: I’ve never been to the hospital, but I came here to see if my neck scare was here and I have to say that this place rocks! So many reflective surfaces in one place…it’s like heaven came down!



Regina: Why do you look so normal?



Jefferson: I had to race home and take an hour long shower and scrub all the dirt off my body from that insipid tomb you forced me to go down. That’s the only way I can hope to explain my wardrobe changing even though this seems to have been on the same day as last episode.



Jefferson: I came here to collect on our deal even though you told me that you have absolutely no magic left and used it up to get a half-eaten apple. Is this a bad time?



Regina: Go adjust your guyliner Jefferson! It’s not your color!



Jefferson: Where is my daughter?



Regina: Well how should I know? I’m not the one that’s supposed to be watching her!



Henry: Shut up guys, I’m trying to sleep!



Regina: Don’t think I don’t know about that text you sent to Emma that said, “Pay no attention to the thing in Regina’s oven.” You confused her! She was looking at my stomach the whole time!



Regina: This is your fault! Somehow! Which makes our deal null and void!



Jefferson: *Inner monologue* If I throw her out the window…it doesn’t COUNT as murder because it’s not my fault she didn’t grab for a handhold…



Regina: Now I’m going to go save my kid! Because that’s what good parents do and then I’m going to think of a way to screw over Emma again because you KNOW I’m not going to learn my lesson!



Jefferson: Her insane troll logic screwed me over again, who would’ve guessed?



Emma: August get out of the bed and open this door. I know you’re in there, I can hear you breathing!



Emma: Wow. Worst prosthetics ever.



August: Can you please tuck me in?



Emma: What, you couldn’t get out of bed to greet me? Lazy.



August: And the worst part of all of this is that I have to die on a bed with little flowers on it. The plan was for me to die on a bed with the “Never Sleep Alone” zombie bedset!



August: You must break the curse!  I might be able to come back for a season two!



Emma: Well I’m glad you’re not going anywhere because you wouldn’t believe my day. Not only have I Not slept in like two days but I’m sore from the accident that Henry got me into, I nearly had a GOPOPAT.
August: Those have been known the kill people!
Emma: And Henry took it instead and now I believe in the curse and now I have to go fight something that Regina and Mr. Gold are both being cryptic about and Mr. Gold refuses to call off the wedding until last minute if this doesn’t work because he wants the gifts!



August: Yeah, that sounds like it sucks but I CAN’T EVEN BREATHE!



Emma: So you’re NOT helping me?



Emma: Oh! I could use you as a battering ram!



August: I think I’m fine with you just leaving me here.



*Is a creepy wooden puppet*



Emma: Don’t look! Don’t look! Don’t look! I mustn’t run away! I mustn’t run away! I mustn’t run away!



Emma: Well…time to put him in funny positions!



Emma: *Actual Dialogue* What is this place?
Regina: Read the sign Emma



Emma: I can’t believe so many people were giving me such weird looks as I carried this sword around without even bothering to hide it.



Regina: Are we getting this done? I don’t want to risk being seen with you any more than I have to.



*Secret passage*



Emma: Whoa. I showed more surprise to a secret passage than I have to the notion that fairy tales are real!



Regina: Well go ahead and jump onto this unsteady elevator that hasn’t been used in years. I promise not to drop you that far.



Emma: You do realize that you haven’t exactly told me what it is that I’m fighting yet, don’t you?



Regina: Oh….just something trapped in a form that I’m TOTALLY not facing myself because said form makes absolutely no sense to trap her in other than the fact that the writers wanted you to fight said woman in said form and I just realized that no matter who kills who, I win!



Emma: Well that’s specific!



Regina: Shut up! I’m trying to save the surprise for people who HAVEN’T watched the sneak peek!



Regina: Now this is what you’re gonna have to do?



Emma: What? Stab her?



Regina: Well that IS the general thought, yes.



Emma: Then I’m good!



Emma: Hm. I kinda expected something cooler from a king.



Maleficent: I am SO glad that the real Maleficent is on vacation terrorizing Disneyworld. The things she’d do to me if she caught on to my existence!



Charming: Your security SUCKS! I just walked in through the front door!



*Slaps*



Charming: Augh! I fell on my keys!



Maleficent: Tossing you around is like job one for this episode, isn’t it?



Charming: Protect me little egg!



Maleficent: I hope that thing is made of chocolate. Otherwise you’re in for a world of hurt.



Charming: Rumpelstiltskin never said she was a witch! Okay, Snow isn’t worth it. I’m gone. I only had conversations with her like…four times. And of those times she broke up with me, beat me up, and I got shot because of her! AND jailed twice and nearly executed in the same amount of times.



*Is a dragon*



Charming: She’s a witch AND it’s her time of the month!



Emma: Stupid elevator nearly dropped me to my doom three times.



Emma: A MAP to said labyrinth would’ve been nice…



Emma: Well…it was nice of Maleficent to pull my mom’s coffin out here to look nice and welcome visitors…



Maleficent: Ugh. What?







Emma: That doesn’t feel like top of the line cave granite.



*Is yawning*



Emma: I’m gonna KILL Gold and Regina!




Charming: Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me!




Charming: I’m surprised she can’t hear my terrified whimpering.
Maleficent: I can’t believe I just can’t knock over these columns with a butt push.



 




Charming: Well... that ear…gill thing looks to be about the right size. I really hope Rumpelstiltskin was only joking when he said to treat it like a suppository!






Charming: Bye little egg! You and I were always such good friends!



Charming: Hey! Can you believe that Angelina Jolie’s gonna end up playing you?! What’s up with that?!



*Is understandably pissed*



Emma: No! Bad dragon! You stay!



Emma: Oh screw it; I’m sure David’s water gun will work much better.



Emma: Whoa! Why is there a random chasm here?!



Emma: She won’t think to look for me in the one place that I possibly could’ve hidden at!



Charming: *Jumps off a railing* LONG LIVE THE WWE!



Charming: Eargest egg! And I really hope this shrinks when you take normal form!



*Runs into window*
Charming: Aw crap, it’s one of those high rise thick glass windows.
*Opens and jumps out*



Charming: OWWWW! Right in the shallow end! I think I broke everything in my lower half!



Emma: Really wish I had a young lion cub to hold over this rock right about now.
*I suppose standing on the edge looking confused is much better than running for your life for that sword you dropped*



Maleficent: Would you be my friend?



Emma: A talking donkey with Eddie Murphy’s dental work would be nice right about now too.



Emma: Huh? I’m fighting a dragon?



Mary: And so it was written that there was no one there to be at the boy’s bedside and so they had to randomly call in the boy’s teacher to read to him. Even though they found said teacher crying about her love life in her bed already. His two mothers apparently didn’t love him enough to be bothered and his stepfather to be was too weak to rise from his chair in the waiting room because he had just spent half an hour crying on his best friend’s shoulder in the waiting room.



Mary: It was then up to the great Mary Margaret to read to the young boy and make Snow White sound FAR cooler than she was in the Disney version and for Prince Charming to actually have a personality. Honor the great Mary Margaret for she is the true hero in this scene.



Mary: Now if you don’t mind Henry, I’m going back to read Sleeping Beauty…but not out loud because you don’t wanna KNOW what that story was about.



Mary: I wish there was a Disney song for this but the closest thing I can think of besides the Healing Incantation from Tangled is “Be Prepared”. Don’t ask me why. Maybe because I used to sing it to Kathryn as I passed by her and instead of “King” I’d say wife. Oh the memories.



*Is flat lining*



Mary: *Actual dialogue* what is that?



Dr. Whale: Something BAD you idiot!



Nurse: Inaccurate CPR time!



*Buttshot*
*To be honest, we’ve had so many buttshots from this guy, that we should know automatically, who it is*



Jefferson: Don’t ask how I know the code or about Belle!



Nurse Ratched: What’s the commotion upstairs? Sounds like someone’s dying or something.



Jefferson: I dunno, I don’t pay attention to other people. Especially since my neck scar and I have renewed our forbidden love.



Nurse Ratched: Tasty!



*THUNK!*



Jefferson: Hope no one finds her while I’m breaking out the asylum.



*I sort of feel bad for him.*



Jefferson: Don’t say it…
Janitor: Regina? Is that you?
Jefferson: You just said it.



Belle: Are you the angel of death finally come to get me out of this room of boredom?



Jefferson: Yeah…your hair…



Jefferson: Wanna touch my hand? I didn’t bring a coat so this is going to be the next best thing. It’s a better thing in a lot of ways…



Belle: You’re so handsome…



Jefferson: Yes I know, but that’s beside the point.



Jefferson: Now I didn’t bring you a change of clothes so you’re going to stick to the shadows. Find Mr. Gold and tell him that Regina locked you up. Oh and be sure to say it fast because I’m sure he’ll be sticking his tongue down your throat as soon as he sees you. Seems to be his greeting with every woman. Nothing says “Welcome to Storybrooke” like sexual harassment.



Belle: But I don’t even know what’s going on! Can I have a hairbrush?



Jefferson: Heh, it’s all going according to plan. Soon, Emma will be mine! And vengeance too! And recovering my hat…maybe getting Grace back too…



Charming: Hypothermia…setting in…



Rumpelstiltskin: It’s about time! I would’ve gotten my fangirls to do it for me and they would’ve done it in 3/4ths the time it took you to get it done. But then I remember that you don’t have any fangirls that are currently alive so I guess you had to make due. But you DID accomplish it…and you did do it without totally screwing up so I guess we can chalk one up for progress…



Rumpelstiltskin: Here ya go!
Charming: Please don’t hold it like that and look at me in that way.








Charming: That glare’s bright! I must be close!



Rumpelstiltskin: That’s the sun, Charmless.



Rumpelstiltskin: Are those Jefferson’s pants?
Charming: Well it’s not like he needs them anymore!  



Rumpelstiltskin: You look like you’re wearing thermal underwear; I demand you change at once.



Charming: Nice. Hey how do you know my measurements?



Rumpelstiltskin: Your mom told me.



Charming: Why are you helping us again?



Rumpelstiltskin: Because I’m hoping you don’t castrate my magical powers from me and lock me in a cage.



Rumpelstiltskin: Also if your baby is born a girl, eventually she’s going to grow up and then it’s ‘say hi to your new son in law’.



*And the realms were still so clear that Charming’s screams were heard again*



Emma: I don’t suppose we could just talk about this?







Emma: Guess not!







Emma: Light bulb!



Maleficent: I went to the same shooting school as the bad guys from the A-Team and Stormtroopers!



Emma: THIS! IS! EMMA!



Maleficent: Oooo, that’s bad heartburn!



Emma: Well this…that wasn’t so bad. Even though I’m going to be covered in Maleficent bits and will be washing her out of my hair for a week…



Emma: Rumpelstiltskin could go into business selling Fireproof/Digestion proof protective eggs.



Emma: And it’s so cool! One would think that a fire breathing dragon would leave more of an impact.



Emma: Dad’s gonna be PISSED when he finds out I lost his sword!



*Old Scene*



*Alright, I’ll stop on this scene because it’s actually far funnier than intended.*
Snow: You found me!
Charming: Did you ever doubt I would?



Snow:………….
Charming: *Not actual dialogue* Your silence isn’t helping Snow!



Snow: I had the weirdest dream when I was in there…I was married to Rumpelstiltskin and Jiminy married us and somehow I became immortal and we had like umpteen kids together that he insisted we name Bae and I had killed the queen when I was evil so I was as evil as her and Rumpelstiltskin and I were SO happy. Why did you wake me up from what was probably the best dream ever?



Charming: I’m not listening to a word you say. I’m trying to figure out how I’m supposed to turn off the glowy part of the ring. Looks like we’re going to be blinded for the rest of our lives.
Snow: Where are Granny and Ruby?



Charming: I’m also trying to figure out where you got that white funeral garb too but I think I’m just nitpicking. I never want my ring off your finger.



Snow: Well it’ll be on my middle finger for 28 years, will that be a problem?



Charming: Will you forever be my meal ticket to the throne because I have no authoritative claim?



Snow: Hm. Kind of cheap for the Queen…



Snow: Are you sure your mother didn’t get this out of the crackerjack box?



Charming: She did! You know me so well!



*Glomps*



Snow: Huh. I just got bored of you.



Charming: *Pouts*



Charming: We could always brutally slaughter mass innocent people just doing their job as we take back the kingdom?



Snow: Yes!



Snow: Now darling, I think your fake dad is looking out the window at us, be sure to smile real big.



*Are trolling King George*



David: Well old truck, it’s just you and me now.



David: Sweet freedom shouldn’t be so bad. No more comments on how ‘street signs are smarter than David’ and ‘brick walls are smarter than David’ and ‘The Graffiti that David cleans off is smarter than David and that’s why he’s trying to get rid of it’…



David: No more goofy clock that won’t tell me if it’s in the AM or PM.



David: I can’t believe I packed some of Kathryn’s clothes too…whatever happened to her anyway?





 Emma: Well that was pretty easy. If my opponents all have glowyness on their weak spots, then being the realm savior should be a breeze. I almost want to get married now because it seems so normal.



*Elevator stops. Emma goes flying up, crashes into ceiling, and falls on the floor*
Emma: OW!



Mr. Gold: Hiiiii Emma!



Emma: Are you going to mock us about how we can’t do anything without you suggesting or helping in some way? Because you were wrong! I did it! In your face! Not all of us are useless!



Mr. Gold: Yeah yeah, that’s the darling fiancé I know and love. Regina abandoned you and she…um…sabotaged the elevator…just as I happened to show up. Yeah, that’s a horrible lie, but as long as you believe it.



Mr. Gold: Listen my darling fiancé, you can’t’ carry that and climb the shaft.



Emma: I’ll just zip it up in my jacket! Problem solved.



Emma: Oh wait, you’re here. Throw me the whip! ‘



Mr. Gold: Throw me the idol and I’ll throw you the whip!



Mr. Gold: Don’t worry. I have my hand over my…heart-ish area and I promise that I won’t leave you here completely helpless.



Emma: Well hold still, I’m going to chuck it at your head!



*Mr. Gold’s so awesome he can catch it one handed*



Mr. Gold: *Giggles* I had my fingers crossed.



Emma: Oh, what were you two up to?



Emma: Seriously?! He’s like shorter than you are. And he has a bad leg! How did he tie you up?!



Regina: I can’t believe he had a plan that would only benefit him!



Emma: Der! Who would’ve thought?! This is your fault Regina! Couldn’t you have thought to LOCK the door!



Regina: The hospital’s calling.



Emma: SHHH!
Mary Margaret Voiceover: Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! I’m SO drunk on caffeine right now. I need my bestie. I had to watch your son die because you said you were going to the library with Regina. What’s she to you now? Is she your new bestie? Don’t try to lie to me Emma. Your lie sucks. Everyone knows the library closed when Archie and Gold started playing with matches.



Emma: Keep up, Regina!
Regina: I broke my heel when it embedded in that third nurses nose that we trampled!



Dr. Whale: So…dinner later tonight?
Mother Superior: No. Absolutely not.



Mother Superior: I’m so traumatized by what I just saw…
Dr. Whale: Keep your goodbyes short, okay? I gotta go on my break.



Emma: Show up, drag me off somewhere pretty much against my will and leaves me. Pretty much just like every man in my life.







Emma: Hey Henry…Mr. Gold is the worst stepfather in the history of stepfathers and I’m ashamed to be his fiancé and from now on August is your new daddy. He’ll be the best husband ever! He’ll never say a word!



Regina: What is she SAYING?!




*Isn’t moving much*



Emma: Yeah, he’s dead.  



*Rumpelstiltskin certainly put a LOT of thought in what that thing would look like, didn’t he? I’ll bet he put all the other kids to shame when it came to decorate Easter Eggs growing up*



Mr. Gold: I am SO glad that I kept this random key when I had my false memories.



Mr. Gold: I’m disgusted with this vial!



Mr. Gold: Well, put some in a pipette for myself and Emma and the rest will go to my nefarious purposes and I’m ready to go.  It shouldn’t be this easy being me…



Belle: Hey, receptionist! Get Mr. Gold out here and tell him I’m here to see him.



Mr. Gold: It’s…it’s…wait, who is that?!



Belle: Sorry to bother you, but this really hot guy came into my cell and told me that you’d protect me…so can you get that process in motion because I really want to go find him again. THAT guy was amazing.



Mr. Gold: I swear I’ve seen you somewhere; I just can’t place your face…



*Gropes*



*Glares and then gut punches*



Mr. Gold: Belle! It’s you!



*Glomps*
Belle: Um…okay?



Mr. Gold: Hey Belle! Emma who?



Belle: Who’s Emma?



Mr. Gold: Exactly!



Belle: What am I getting myself into?



Mother Superior: Ugh, migraine.
Dr. Whale: Bored now.
Regina: *Sniffles* *Whimpers* *Cries a little something unintelligent* 



Regina: *WAILS*
Dr. Whale: It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.
Mother Superior: Well that certainly didn’t take you long…



Emma: Pfft, I still don’t believe he’s really dead.



Emma: When I used to tell you to go eat a poisoned apple, I Never thought you’d actually do it!



Emma: Don’t you dare leave me here with all these crazy people. If you do I will climb up to heaven or charge Hell with a water pistol. Wherever you ended up kid, you’re not staying there for long!



Emma: Just sayin’



Regina: What is it with kissing the dead bodies in that family!?



Henry: Ha! Fooled you! You should’ve seen the look on your faces.



Henry: I didn’t miss the wedding, did I?



Emma: *Is reminded* Oh Henry...



Regina: Yep. I told Emma what to do in order to save your life. You should all be thanking me now.



*Curse being broken*



Mary: Well Henry may be dead but that’s not stopping me from getting my coffee…*Is affected* Where’s my hair?



Ruby: And then when I went to go clean his room, I found a giant wooden doll of himself in his bed.
Granny: Ew! What is that guy doing?
*Are affected*
Red:  Like…why do I feel like I’m practically naked right now and wearing the pelt of one of my kin?
Granny: My glasses! I can’t see without them! A trick of Rumpelstiltskin’s! I knew it!




Archie: I can’t believe my parents named me “Archibald” and “Leach” WASN’T going to be my middle name. *Is affected* Hey, Rumpelstiltskin is gonna marry Charming and Snow’s kid? And that was her choice when I dated her?! What is wrong with that woman!



David: I really wish I brought Ajax with me.



Charming: *Is affected* Whoa! What kind of horse is this?







Charming: I suddenly want to go kill that sign right now.



Regina: I can’t believe mother superior just punched me!



Regina: Why do all the doctors look more confused than usual right now?




Henry: Well either the curse is broken or everyone’s surprised at my sudden resurrection.



Blue Fairy: What kind of restrictive clothing have I been wearing for the past 28 years?



Regina: No Henry! Dangit! Go back and die!



Blue Fairy: I’d run into witness protection if I were you, queenie. Because in about ten minutes I’m gonna form a search party and we’re gonna take care of you but GOOD.



Henry: And I’m gonna lead!
Emma: Yes Henry. Yes you are.



Regina: Henry, no matter what happens….remember that I’ll always…believe this was all Emma’s fault.



*Henry Glare*
Henry: This is MY town now. You better start running.



*Immediately believes it*



Emma: Did you see her face?



Henry: Epic. Just epic. Now about that apology you all owe me…



Charming: SNOW! Make me a sandwich!



Snow: Who is that? Oh yeah, that loser I married…



*Glomps each other*
Snow: You found me!



Charming: Yeah, it wasn’t that hard. You were like…right there.



Snow: It IS you. You ARE Charming!



Charming: Always have been!



*Camera spins for about five minutes*



Regina: I almost regret neglecting him long enough for him to run away and emotionally abusing him in such a way that Emma stayed.



*Blows nose on pillow*



Belle: Hey! Wait up! I'm in hospital slippers! You should've seen the look on everyone's faces as we walked down the street with me in my hospital gown!



Mr. Gold: Keep up, woman! I have a cane and I’m walking faster than you are!



Belle: Wait, my leather pants wearing old enough to be a cradle robber no matter the age sweet baboo.



Mr. Gold: Not the pet name!



Belle: I remember everything!



Mr. Gold: Oh no…



Belle: You treated me like CRAP!



Mr. Gold: I know! Isn’t it romantic?!



*Is so happy that he’s as attractive outside Rumpelstiltskin mode as he is in*



Mr. Gold: But there will be time for that...hopefully. There will be time for everything….if you know what I mean.
Belle: For rolling around on the forest floor in honeymoon hugs?
Mr. Gold: You know me so well.



Mr. Gold: Now this well is very special.
Belle: Because it has the power to bring back what was lost?
Mr. Gold: No, because it’s where my first wife and I got married. I brought it over here for a nice little memento. With the exception of that whole ‘leaving’ thing, that woman was 6’5 bundle of awesome.
Belle: Oh….



Mr. Gold: And this is a magnet that’ll attract lost wooden buckets because the one that was attached is suddenly gone. Let’s just say that if Bae shows up, I’ll need to get him out of here somehow.



Mr. Gold: Oh crap, I dropped it.



Mr. Gold: Oh quick, back away. The monsters are coming!



Belle: Well that’s awful pretty, but I don’t see it doing anything!



Dr. Whale: Wow have I been a horrible person.
Blue Fairy: Do you need some comfort?
Dr. Whale: What comfort? I don’t even remember who I am!



Emma: Henry, you got my hopes up for nothing. I was all set to be a princess. I even had my hair done for MONTHS on the off chance that we were taken back to fairy tale realm!



Henry: Well why are you asking me for?! I’ve just been winging it!



Nurse: Hey, get out. You’re blocking the cameras that were interviewing Henry over his sudden resurrection!



Nurse: Look at those two slobbering over each other on Main Street.
Emma: I can’t believe those are my parents.
Henry: Some pants would be nice right about now.



Regina: I mean, I can’t BELIEVE someone would break the curse like Rumpelstiltskin said would happen!



Regina: Charming! Snow! Get a room!



Regina: Stupid special effects. *Glares so intensely that it can’t be caught on camera*



Emma: So Henripedia, tell me what that is.
Henry: A reason to go find my dad and live with him.



Henry: Someone fetch me my pants, you naysayers are on your own.  



Regina: What’s this? I’ll be back for next season as a regular and won’t have to worry about the other characters ripping my face off?



Regina: Sweet victory.








Charming: That’s the prettiest fog I’ve ever seen!  



Charming: Protect me!
Snow: Protect me!



Charming: Snow! Stop nibbling! We have no time for that!








Abridged Kitsis: HA HA! That’ll confuse everyone for the summer!
Abridged Horowitz: I just hope we’ll see a renewal…



Belle: Is this gonna take long? I don’t think I’ve had a proper bath in forever…



Mr. Gold: Hey Belle! Two words!



Mr. Gold: Leather pants!



Belle: ?  

The End


I own Nothing.

Invitations can be found hereherehere, and here. I know people wanted some and a few of you were joking about getting them autographed. Well that would certainly be worth the looks on quite a few people’s faces at the conventions. A BIG thanks to the people that took the time to make them

And so we’re at the end of Abridged Season 1. I do have to say that I am quite satisfied with the result. I just wanted to thank you all because when I decided to do this I Thought that it’d be a flop that would just fade into the back of IMDb. I didn’t expect to get the reception that I did and if it wasn’t for you guys, then I would never have made it past the first two episodes.



we need more Jefferson.

Um…discussion time I guess. Favorite one joke? Favorite running gag? Top 3 abridged characters? Favorite episode? Favorite Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin pick up line?

Oh and by the way, I am aware of my own plot hole that Mr. Gold doesn’t recognize Archie in Abridged Episode 2 even though they’ve been best friends for about 80 years. And um…the only reason he didn’t recognize him was because Archie was with someone else (Pongo) and wasn’t lonely and despairing.




















1 comment:

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