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Saturday, February 16, 2013

119 - The Return

August: *Snore* Emma *Snore* Emma *Snore* Crickets *Snore* Down with Mr. Gold…

*Legs start vibrating*
August: No! No! I don’t want to be a tap dancer!

August: Bad legs! You behave! *Tries to glare*

August: WHUG! *Thumps*
Granny: You keep whatever naughty things you’re doing quiet in there!

August: I’m getting worse! My legs only take a life of their own at discos!

August: There’s only one solution! To call someone ambiguous!

August: Hello Mr. Ambiguous, we need to move the plan up.
Mr. Ambiguous: And how are you going to do that?
August: I don’t know
Mr. Ambiguous: So then do you have a really good reason to get me out of my nice hot bath?
August: I don’t know.
Mr. Ambiguous: Click.
August: Hello?

August: Well, I’m more than certain that I won’t draw unwanted attention hanging out over here, skulking Mr. Gold’s shop.

Henry: What are you doing casing my dad’s workplace?

August: No reason. Go away.

Henry: Okay, then I hope you don’t mind if I hang out with you and watch what you’re doing. You know…observing the enemy and such! And by enemy I mean you.  

August: *Is annoyed* Grr.

August: Maybe you can help.

Henry: Good idea! I’ll distract him by asking about my mom’s engagement ring since they’re getting married and you aren’t invited to anything! I should know, they let me do the invitations

*Skips off*
August: *Grumbles*

Henry: I wonder how long it’ll take August to get in the office before I can top Mr. Gold off….

Henry: Daddy!

Mr. Gold: Son!

Henry: *Is being devious* I heard you wanted my help picking out an engagement ring for mom.

Mr. Gold: Well I certainly need the eye of a favorite stepson of mine to pick the right one!

August: *Humming Secret Agent Man theme.*

August: Look at all this crap…how does he even get around without falling over all of it? Or dust all of it? Why can’t he keep those creepy puppets back here?

Mr. Gold: Now which one?
Henry: Well it should be one that reminds us of the month August and I think it should be one of the ones that you keep in your office. You should go back there and see.
Mr. Gold: But I just came OUT from the office, I don’t want to go back in there.

August: *Clomps around* I could use new candelabra!

Henry: Only the best should be for my mom and so you should risk a few more steps to get her the best.
Mr. Gold: If you insist. I’m pretty sure there’s one back there that’s as big as her head…

August: *Is pocketing small goods*

Mr. Gold: I think I keep it in a safe for a time such as- HEY YOU!

August: Uh….hi…is this the men’s room?

Mr. Gold: I don’t believe you!

Mr. Gold: Wait…where you working with Henry to get me distracted?! My own son?! *Sniffles*

August: Shouldn’t there be a process before you call him your kid?

Mr. Gold: Don’t you dare try to put my son against me! I haven’t had one of those in about four centuries! Go celebrate your failure with him while I go talk to his mother about who she lets her son hang out with!

August: Well…maybe I’ll just have to...WAIT A WHILE before I can talk to my father! So, I’m guessing getting caught was part of the plan?

August: Byyyyeee Possible dad!

Mr. Gold: Hm…He wears leather and he’s getting into my stuff without my permission…he MUST be Bae!

Mr. Gold: So…does that mean that my possible son and I have been hitting on the same woman?

Mr. Gold: Pfft, as if Bae could charm her.

Emma: Hey, I got called in to address a plot that everyone stopped caring about?

Dr. Whale: And so they ripped out your heart huh? That’s okay! You don’t need emotions for what I Have planned for us! Oh hi Emma, Mrs. Nolan and I were just getting to know each other! Heh. Heh. Heh.

Emma: So we sort of donated your heart to the hospital and…okay now I just realized that it wasn’t really your heart.

Kathryn: Well I woke up in a basement and there was food and water and I was…drugged. And the basement was pink…I brought it up when the captor came in and he yelled that it was salmon and he smacked me in the face with the cane.

Kathryn: Ow.

Emma: Hm…that sounds like no one that I know at all.

Dr. Whale *Strikes sexy pose* Me neither.

Kathryn: I really hope that the drugs are just still in my system because otherwise you two are idiots.

Emma: It’s okay! I’ll find who did this to you! I forget about you after this scene, but I swear I’ll help you!

Kathryn:….I want a real sheriff!

Kathryn: And a real doctor!

Kathryn: And a real husband!

Kathryn: And a real job!

Dr. Whale: I’ll bet I could find a job for you. Heh. Heh. Heh.

*Is horrified*

Emma: Wow…I’ve never seen someone with suppressive drugs on their system jump completely out of the bed and strangle their doctor with the IV before.

Regina: So, I’m wasting time to come in here and continue the conversation that we were having in episode 17 about how you’re a naughty deal breaker!

Mr. Gold: Well how is it my fault that when I went down to feed her, I stumbled and fell down the stairs and then I caught her hopping up the stairs in her chair and so I knocked her out, drove through the alleyway and shoved her out as I drove past.

Mr. Gold: *Wink* You didn’t SAY I couldn’t do THAT.

Regina: Is that ball you’re holding going to serve any kind of significance in the future?

Mr. Gold: I WOULD ask you to join my dodge ball team but since I got my memories back in the pilot, I sort of remember the last time we were on the same team and I’m pretty sure you chucking the ball at my head was VERY intentional…

Mr. Gold: Just sayin’

Regina: Wait a minute, why do I still trust the idea that you wouldn’t find a way to backpedal on this deal?

Regina: *Interrogation glare*

Mr. Gold: Oh…I’m quivering in my 200,000 dollar leather shoes.

Regina: That’s a bit costly.

Mr. Gold: Please! I’ve seen your hair care product bill.

Regina: I swear by this Mickey Mouse phone, that if you’re betraying me I will….do something while smirking!

*Do you guys wonder if sometimes when Mr. Gold gets bored, he breaks out of one of those stringed instruments and plays his little heart out?*

Mr. Gold: Are you forgetting that I’ve set you up to take the fall and I’m immune to your smirk/glares?
*Are those some kind of…handcuffs to the left of Mr. Gold? Who on Earth pawned THOSE to him?*

Regina: *Le gasp!* No! You can’t be! Wait a minute! You’ve been manipulating me?! What? That’s SO out of character with you!

Mr. Gold: *Regina mocking smirk* Maybe David will get relieved of his village idiot duties to make room for you. I really can’t believe you think I’d do anything for you that wouldn’t benefit me in some way. Especially since it’s been sort of established that I hate you.

Regina: You know I should have probably looked into you a bit more when I was hanging out at your castle. If what’s-her-name can find your kid’s clothes, then how didn’t I Notice them when I was raiding your place for all the good stuff when you were in jail in Fairy Tale Land.

Mr. Gold: Probably because you went into all the rooms with the sign ‘do not enter’ and left everything else alone.

Regina: I’ve BEEN meaning to talk to you about that! Did you honestly have to have those creepy dolls drop out of the celling and hit me in the face for your bedroom? What the heck do you do in there?

Mr. Gold: Wouldn’t you like to know…

Mr. Gold: Personal space invader…is the way I’m going to win Emma’s heart because it almost worked with that goofball that kidnapped her. You be the test dummy. (Heh.) Am I attracting you?

*Holy crap. Robert Carlyle’s forehead is HUGE. I can’t believe I never noticed it before…*

*Is trying not to imagine Mr. Gold and Emma together*

Bae: I’m going to be first place in the Realms “So you think you can Dance!”

Bae: OH crap, I always get interrupted when doing the moonwalk!

Snail!Guy: Watch where you’re going kid! *Smacks upside head* We’re kind of hard to miss!

Bae: Luckily, my Frodo hair protected me from any damage I might have sustained from a concussion.

 Snail!Guy: *Gets ready to strangle* Oh wait, people are watching!

Bae: That’s right! Baelfire of the Awesome Name has fans that would mob you if you tried to hurt me. I’m so awesome that they avert their gaze and move when I walk down the street! …That IS the reason, right?

Rumpelstiltskin: Who the FRIG is talking so loud? I swear Bae; I can’t have a nap in peace without you accidently making me kill someone!
Bae: Yeah because ‘trying to seduce the maid’ equals ‘nap’ now.

Snail!Guy: We were just um….practicing for our duet on “So you think you can Dance!”
Bae: I don’t WANT to duet with him!

*Does robot*

Random Guy:…..

Rumpelstiltskin: I thought you told me that dancing with older guys wasn’t cool enough when I said I wanted dancing to be OUR thing, BAE!

Snail!Guy: Oh look at the time! I…think I have to go home and practice inflating my little…baker’s hat I’m wearing. 

Rumpelstiltskin: OR you could give us some free chickens…oh and you let me turn your donkey into a talking one!

Snail!Guy: No! You can’t! You monster!

Rumpelstiltskin: Nope! Too late! I’m going to do it! This is gonna be SO cool!

*Is a snail*

Rumpelstiltskin: Sadness! I missed!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well you know what I say! AT first you fail, then stomp on your mistake and don’t try again.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Bae, two words; free chickens!

Kathryn: ZZZzzzzzz

David: *Is watching* I’m sure this is the best way to greet a kidnap victim!

David: Hi honey!
Kathryn: GAH! *Starts crying*

David: Oh don’t do that! I was just going to kiss you on the forehead; it was supposed to be sweet…

Kathryn: That’s my David…failing at even the most rudimentary gestures.

David: Well, I’m not here to give you any comfort about your traumatic experience. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for everything I put you through…so sorry that I have hardly even shown remorse for it.

Kathryn: Oh David…I can’t blame you for seeing it before I did.

David: You’re so amazing…

Kathryn: But I can blame you for sticking your tongue down another woman’s throat when you were supposed to be married to me. Empty my bedpan.

David: *Runs*

Kathryn: Now this is going to be fun!

Mary: Bestie, this is amazing! They all love me! And they said they supported bestie power now that they saw how strong our bestieism is! I can’t wait for my birthday when they all show up and actually bring me presents! We’re all gonna hang out, and form a movie group, and a book club, and a-

Emma: Yeah, where were they when I was struggling to exonerate you and they were throwing eggs at your poster yelling ‘kill the murderer?”

Mary: Oh bestie, you and your trust issues!

Henry: Could you go run upstairs and catch my 3DS?

August: I know what you’re trying to do you little sneak! You think that Mr. Gold is going to grab my ankles from behind the stairs as I run back down and I’ll go tumbling!

Henry: Do hurry. I want the extra piece of cake!

August: Well I may as well because it’ll be your mom that’ll nurse me back to health! Oh I can’t wait for that!

Henry: Hi Ms. Blanchard! It’s time for me as class representative to show you this card that we made…I hope you like it because I had to threaten everyone’s life until they signed it.

Mary: We’re so glad that you didn’t kill Mrs. Nolan…even though we all thought you probably had at least a little something to do with it…

Henry: Although I wouldn’t have been ashamed of you if you had, because I know now where I get my awesome psychotic tendencies!

Emma: Okay, time to go home!
August: See ya, shortie. I hope Regina tucks you in because I KNOW I’ll be doing the same for Emma.
Henry: Sleep with one eye open, stubbles. Because I have my mom’s skeleton keys and you have to sleep sometime! 
*Is that Dr. Whale? Who on earth invited him?!*

David: Oh FINALLY someone besides Mary opened the door. Can you tell her to please stop slamming the door in my face? I’m supposed to be her boyfriend!

Emma: Mary says that hell will freeze over, pigs will fly, and she’ll actually be Snow White before she even considers being with you.

David: So there’s still a chance?

Emma: Oh David. *Slams*

Mr. Gold: *Runs over* Hiii Emma! So it looks like the kid is down for the night, time for quality time together…if you know what I mean…

Emma: Remind me why we invited you?

Mr. Gold: Loving fiancés get in free.

Emma: You know, after what you said to me before you left at the police station, I think you might have had something to do with Kathryn’s reappearance!

Mr. Gold: Well wouldn’t I be the hero then? Oh Emma, you’re the town hero and I’m the town hero….everyone’s going to be love us so much! Us and our little hero babies!

Emma: Yeah, you’d have to actually make me like you for that happen to happen.

Mr. Gold: *Emma Winning Smile* Oh, it’s amazing how you keep accepting my generous proposals almost the second I offer them even though you claim you don’t want me.

Mr. Gold: Or perhaps you prefer smelly stubbly bike riders with no source of income or stable living environment.

Emma: Yeah…*High pitched giggle*

Mr. Gold: Pfft. He’s not so great.

Mr. Gold: I’ll bet his name is fake…that’s a thing I know about is names…wanna know what we’re going to name our first five kids?

Emma: Whoa! When did we agree on that!? I don’t trust you with kids; you might want to see them off! I’d trust August far more then I’d trust you!

*Feels sad*

Emma: Hey, you wouldn’t believe what Mr. Gold was over there saying.

Mr. Gold: I must find out who he is…to save my marriage! And my place in the line of succession for when Snow and Charming die.

Bae: Dad, no one’s going to vote for anything I do if you keep killing people off!

Enora: *Wishes she had a normal job*

Rumpelstiltskin: Thanks sweetheart, do your other womanly duty and make our dinner.

Rumpelstiltskin: So Bae, how would you like HER for your new mom?

Bae: You say that about all the maids we get!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well this one’s playing hard to get, I think marriage may be the only solution.
Bae: What would the kids look like?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! Your knee is hurt!
Bae: Yeah, my Macarena move just didn’t end well.

Bae: Dad, I think it’s time that we talk about your homicidal tendencies! It’s sort of giving us a worse reputation than before…and I thought that wasn’t possible.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating* and I thought that wasn’t possible.

Rumpelstiltskin: If I had my walking stick still, then you wouldn’t be this sassy, son. Getting these abilities have been a mixed blessing and a half.

Bae: I know. All those people you keep killing off agree.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Feelings are hurt*

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, I’m the hero of children everywhere. I called a truce to the Ogre war and everyone is just scared of my leather pants to be grateful so they haven’t gotten used to me yet.

Bae: You mean the people that you keep turning into snails?

Rumpelstiltskin: Back to that, are we? Oh Bae, maybe if you wouldn’t fall in front of their carts then I wouldn’t have to turn them into snails!

Bae: Maybe I’ll just start just telling you that I want to walk into doors!

Rumpelstiltskin: I need more power Bae! Do you know what that means?! Girls! And….protecting you….

Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on, let me provide this knife for exposition. *Ahem* The only way that I can lose this power is to die! Brutally! All alone! Now you wouldn’t want that for your old man, now would you?

Bae: If it means that you’ll be my daddy again then yes!

Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit Bae, I’ll be dead! You missed the point!

Enora: *Wishes she worked for a normal family*

Rumpelstiltskin *Quick check out*

Rumpelstiltskin: Just hide my knife right here…because the best way to hold onto something is to keep it in a pocket of your robe!

Bae: Why do we even NEED a maid?
Rumpelstiltskin: Because the dark powers that render me almost omnipotent still can’t make me a decent cook.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, there went that marriage proposal.

Bae: So about that power reduction.

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, it’s not like I can look it up on “Dark Power Wikipedia” now can I? Now you can go look if you want but I’m so going to sit there and laugh at your frequent flyer failed attempts. Don’t worry son, it’ll make a man out of you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Now don’t you like me when I’m like this? All creepy and evil and stuff?

Bae: Do you remember why you took these powers in the first place?

Past!Rumpelstiltskin: With these dark powers I can be 6’5 and buff!

Rumpelstiltskin …and saving little kids is good too….

Rumpelstiltskin: Ah, those were some good fear inducing old days.

Bae: So you want to go back?! YAY!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait! That isn’t what I said!

Bae: *Squees*

Rumpelstiltskin: Um….you’re not getting my half of the food, kid.

Rumpelstiltskin: There. Handshake. Now keep your grubby fingers on your side of the table.

Bae: I love you, daddy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah yeah, you don’t have to say that all the time. I’m sure those feelings will never change.

Mr. Gold: I miss the days when I could just kick the door open and walk in.

Ruby: Hey Mr. Gold…what are you doing in August’s room?!


Mr. Gold: Bloody shippers! You can’t go in another man’s room alone without any of them assuming dirty things!

Mr. Gold: I guess I could’ve just asked my bodyguard to smack him around a little while I had my dinner date with my darling fiancé.

Mr. Gold: But I suppose putting all his book pages in a different order is good too.

Mr. Gold: It’s a talking donkey as a weight…wait a minute! Some people are speculating that he was Pinocchio and Pinocchio was on a movie with a talking donkey…holy crap, he’s Bae AND Shrek!

*A clearer picture will be released at the end of the episode.*

Mr. Gold: No! No! How did he get an invitation!?

Sidney: Hey Emma! Guess what’s in this coffee?
Emma: Not coffee?
Sidney: Exactly!

Sidney: I let my Detective Man outfit at home so we can’t discuss Detective Man issues so I’m guessing that you’re only here to finally give your marriage interview! Can I give you away at the wedding?

Emma: Absolutely not! Mostly because you’ll be in jail for helping the mayor’s major cover up!

Sidney: So THAT’S what the inside of a watch looks like!

Emma: Wow! Really?! You think I’m THAT stupid?

Sidney: It’s worked so far.

Emma: Well I’m going to be smart from here on out! And you and Regina are going to be sorry!

Sidney: I’ll believe it when I see it kiddo. How about you drop the investigation and I don’t bother you for anymore interviews?

Emma: And let her continue to attempt to get rid of me and my bestie? NO!

Sidney: Well…I think I’m going to need some more coffee.

Emma: Well be sure to get a double shot because you’re going to need it before you go to prison! And why didn’t I record this conversation or something?!

August: Mmm, straddling while looking all manly.

Mr. Gold: Amateur. Luckily some of us were just born looking manly

*Outdated car. Why couldn’t Mr. Gold drive some cool old muscle car? I’ll bet the world would’ve exploded though…*

*Are playing*

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh look Bae! You can make some friends for once in your life. Just tell them that your old man is me.

Bae: Oh I can hardly wait for THAT welcome reception….

Bae: Hi everyone! My old man is Rumpelstiltskin.

Group of Boys: Beat him up and run!

*A few minutes later*
Bae: Taking out like…four kids was FAR too much of an easy task for my amazing fighting abilities.

Morraine: Baelfire, there you are. Where’s your dad?

Bae: Oh great, my dad’s first fangirl.
*With the praise she gives him, it might as well be canon!*

Morraine: So….
Bae: It’s a girl. It’s a girl. It’s a girl. Its okay Bae, just breathe. You can do this. You can talk to her.

Morraine: I’m not scared of your dad. *fangirl giggles*. You won’t let him harm me.

Bae: Yeah, Snail!Guy said the same thing with his eyes when I was begging my dad not to kill him.

Morraine: Yeeah except his part of the story just involved him getting stomped on to show everyone how far gone Rumpelstiltskin was. My part of the exposition is to tell you about some blue fairy that I just happened to hear being talked about in the trenches. How long was I in there anyway? The FTL side of “Desperate Souls” looked like that maybe it took two or three days but the front lines looked pretty far away….I guess I was just dropped in and they talked JUST as they were chatting or something.

Bae: *Zoned out 20 minutes ago*

Bae: WAIT! That Ruel Ghorim Thingamidiggie might be able to change my dad back!

Morraine: What are you, NUTS?! He’s sexy now! No one wants to see him turned back!

Bae: What is wrong with you?

Morraine: Please don’t judge me. There’s just something about his lizardly skin, snakey eyes, and rotten teeth….

Bae: I don’t see it….

Morraine: Well I certainly hope not!

Morraine: I gotta go…tell your dad that he’ll have supporters as long as I live to tell about him!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oooooo, Baaeeee, did you have a girlfriend?

Bae: I’m not bringing her over dad. You’re way too weird and you’ll just freak her out.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well what is there to be frightened of? Just because I kill and hurt their loved ones whenever I feel like it, I’m SURE they’ll get over it!

*Rumpel’s sexy boots*

Bae: Dad…please tell me that you went over to the maid’s house for some strawberry jelly or dyed corn syrup sandwiches….

Rumpelstiltskin: Nah, that ‘strawberry jelly’ kind of came from the maid….

Bae: Aw daddy! How long is her body going to rot in there before someone finds her?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh for heaven’s sake Bae! I just told her she was fired and she got a bloody nose from the stress! Don’t be a teenager!

Bae: Is that really what happened?

Rumpelstiltskin: Meh. –ish. At least you don’t have to worry about anyone replacing your mother!

Rumpelstiltskin: Amirite?

Bae: Daddy is…evil?

Mother Superior: So if you want to become a priest, then you have to get rid of the leather.
August: But the leather defines me.
Mother Superior: Oh trust me darling, I KNOW.

August: I’ll just go sulk over here now that Mr. Gold has surely noticed me talking to you.

Mr. Gold: Hiiiii Mother Superior.
Mother Superior: Oh harps and halos…..what do YOU want?

Mr. Gold: *Is sarcastic* I’ve come to confess and cleanse my soul.

Mother Superior: But that would imply that you HAVE a soul.

*Is smug*

Mr. Gold: What is it with you nuns finding ways to berate me? I’m usually so nice to you!

Mr. Gold: Well…as nice as I can be giving the circumstances that I hate you for having a larger house than I do.

Mother Superior: I’m sure LOTS of people have larger houses than you do.

Mr. Gold: Oh I see, you nuns had your snark Wheaties today. Well I guess I’m going to have to blackmail you into making you tell me what Mr. Bland Bikerider said just to show you that no matter what I always end up on top…no I didn’t mean it like that to you,  what I meant was that I always win.

Mother Superior: Well he said something about how he has a dad that he hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to yet. You know I was reading the script to this earlier and you know what it reminded me of?

Mr. Gold: My relationship with my son?!

Mother Superior: I WAS going to say Pinocchio, but I can see how that might apply to you as well.

Mr. Gold: Yes! The fruit of my loins is back! Now I don’t have to pay someone who might actually know what they’re doing in order to find him!

Mr. Gold: How am I planning to get that done, anyway? Are they just going to type in “Baelfire” in their search engine and hope to get a hit? I guess I really haven’t thought this through…oh well, looks like I’ll just go door to door.

Bae: Good thing dad is looking up new maids with no families or else he would be all over me going off into the woods by myself. That poor snail guy was one thing. When dad wrestled that bear for chasing me up a tree for my peanut butter sandwich, that was quite another.

Bae: So….Ruel Ghorim….what’s up? Well I’ll tell you what’s up with me…just…sort of have an evil dad…not sure if you know what that’s like but its MURDER on my dating life.

Bae: And if you could show up from your busy schedule of being the ultimate power then it’d be nice if you hurried up. I hear the wild animals circling me.

Blue Fairy: Sorry I’m late. I had to dodge a bunch of kids who were hoping to catch me as a firefly. How insulting. Fireflies get WAY better dental then we do.

Blue Fairy: Hey! Kid! I’m right here!

Bae: Morriane sucks! She made me think you were some kind of ancient being like Zeus or something cool! But all you are is a chick wearing a mushroom tutu? Killed my expectations immediately!

Blue Fairy: *Shrugs* It’s a living.

Blue Fairy: You’ve got the stench of dark one all over you. I should’ve known when you ran out of your cabin crying over the next innocent that he slaughtered. But now that I smell the pheromones that Rumpelstiltskin emits to seduced women then I know for certain.

Bae: Yeah, his sudden popularity with the ladies is sort of crimping my style…can you do something about that?

Blue Fairy: Yeah, he’s sort of draining our business. I GUESS I could transport both of you to a faraway land without giving you any hints on the vortex that’ll swallow you up or any information on the land that you’d be going to even though it’s probably FAR more technologically advanced than ours is.

Bae: Yeah…, ‘Ruel Ghorim can do anything’ my backside….

Blue Fairy: Oh shut up kid, I don’t even have a proper NAME yet!

Bae: Well “Baelfire of the Awesome Name” could give one to you but I Think that after Baelfire…all names just sort of fade in awesome points. Unless you want to call yourself Chuck Norris or Liam Neeson but they still don’t come close.

Blue Fairy: Oh it’s hopeless. Just take this stupid bean and you and your dad will be safe and happy…well…you’ll be happy. He’ll probably mope a lot and plot to get back or something.

Blue Fairy: No wait, that was my gum. Will you throw that away for me?

Bae: Why does the magic bean look like a melted piece of plastic?

Blue Fairy: Apparently it’s the last one. Mostly because Nova mistook the sulfuric acid we keep on hand for fertilizer and now we have no more trees. Don’t ask me why I can’t just grow another one because that would be pretty easy to do…but then again when you need me to actually do something I either can’t do it or I lie to your face.

Bae: We can be a family again…I…guess. If he doesn't get depressed and jump off a cliff.

Blue Fairy: Didn’t think he’d fall for it. Better make this ambiguous suspicious look so the audience can speculate…

*I wonder if the maid’s body’s started to stink yet.*

David: Mary!
Mary: Nope

David: I love-
Mary: Nope

David: I was hypnotiz-
Mary: Nope

David: Lalala
Mary: Nope

David: Well now that’s just mean! Just because I accused you of murdering my wife doesn’t mean you should ignore me! And turn me away at your party! At least I visited you in jail!

Mary: David, why don’t you go clean some graffiti to fail to clean?

David: Because I succeeded at cleaning all of it…which now that you accused me of failing to clean…I sort of feel like a loser that I cleaned it. I’m weird like that.

David: *Sniffles* But I need you! Who is going to be my human teddy bear now? I could use Regina but-

Mary: David, even she’s too good for you on most days.

*Is speechless*

*Chuckles heartily*

*Giggles back*

Mary: Oh David…that was an insult to you.

Mary: You know, I’m really starting to question my taste in guys a lot more since I did Dr. Whale and might have done you.

David: But we’re true loves or something!

Mary: And yet I’m fine with not being with you anymore. I have my bestie to thank for showing me the light!

Mary: Bye David. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

David: Bet you’ll forget.

Rumpelstiltskin: How long does it take Bae to pick up a pizza?

Bae: Daddy! You’ll never guess where I’ve been!

Rumpelstiltskin: Not getting my pizza I see.

*Fans pause to look at Rumpelstiltskin’s bed*

Rumpelstiltskin: Might as well have named you ‘Can’t do anything right’ or as it’s better called “David Nolan”

Bae: Dad! I was out chatting up the Ruel Ghorim in search of a cure for you!

*Record scratch*

Rumpelstiltskin: You were out past curfew not meeting with girls? Bae, you were out for NERD purposes?

Bae: Girls…like nerds now.

Rumpelstiltskin: Not in this village apparently or else girls would’ve been fawning all over me!

*Inserted just because I wanted this screenshot*

Rumpelstiltskin: And my magic and fairy magic doesn’t mix well. Don’t ask me how I know that but I guess they told me at the Magic Being Convention or something.

Bae: But dad! You’re just disappointing me!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s what I do!

Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t you remember how much of a wimp I was then? And how vulnerable I was to creepy homeless guys? And bullying men…and kids…and puppies…and the Jonas brothers…

Rumpelstiltskin: Now why would I go back to that when I got all this sexiness to keep my company?

Bae: But we shook on it!

Rumpelstiltskin: I didn’t agree to that! I was just mocking you like I always do! You never even said anything!

Bae: I added it mentally!

Rumpelstiltskin: Curse the mental fine print…I need to do something to avoid that.

Mr. Gold: I really hate having to put my best friend in this position considering I’m the only person in town that isn’t his client but I suppose I have no one else to talk to…except for Emma I guess but what good are wives for when it comes to talking?

Mr. Gold: Oh well, guess he’s not in.
Archie: ?
Mr. Gold: Go back inside Archie! You’re not in!
Archie: I’m right here…
Mr. Gold: NOT IN!

Archie: It’s not bowling night…or Call of Duty Night or…

Mr. Gold: Yes I’m aware that it’s the one night that we don’t hang out.

Archie: And yet you’re here on my “Best Friend of Mr. Gold” day off…which means that you probably want to just hang out…and talk about your feelings…

Mr. Gold: I’m not a woman!

Archie: Well, last I checked neither am I…

Archie: I’ll tell you what…Since you’re my best friend and you’ve been so moody, I won’t charge you.

Mr. Gold: Oh, in that case, I’m for it!

Archie: What do you mean you have a son and you never told me? Why wouldn’t you? We tell each other everything!

Mr. Gold: No Archie, YOU tell me everything. I sit there and wish I had a TMI sledgehammer that I could smack you with sometimes.

Archie: I’m so glad that the tissues are on my side of the table for this session.

Mr. Gold: Oh Archie, please don’t be disappointed in me. I couldn’t handle it if my bestie- Best friend! Best friend! I couldn’t handle it if my best friend was disappointed.

Archie: And so your guilt is just coming up now?

Mr. Gold: Yeah well I think he might be here to try and kill me over some silly abandonment issues that he might have because his mother made me look like a decent parent in comparison and he might’ve fallen into a different world…. And he might be pissed…unjustifiably if you ask me….

Archie: Okay, so let me get this straight…you have one son that wants to kill you. You have a fiancé that verbally abuses you and threatens physical abuse if you do more than leer. You have a soon to be stepson that fantasizes about hurting his step great-grandmother and heaven knows who else. And your In-laws are going to be someone that you hate and mock about fangirls and your mother in law is someone you dated in college and flirted with even afterwards and they’re all extremely younger than you.

Mr. Gold: Okay, I know that sounds bad, but it’s totally better than that. Ever since Emma saw her other prospects she’s TOTALLY warmed up to me.

Archie: You do remember that I was one of those prospects right?

Mr. Gold: *Shrugs* Well, what are you gonna do?

Mr. Gold: *Sniffles*

Mr. Gold: And I really hope that it’s not who I think it is because I don’t think it’d be unawkward for all of us to be living under the same roof.

Archie: Who is it?

Mr. Gold: Most certainly none of your business, but if I was forced to tell you I might say that it’s-

Archie: It’s August isn’t it?

Mr. Gold: It’s Aug…Yeah.

Archie: HAHA! I’m not as silly and adorkable and goofy as you thought! Just give me the word and I’ll go beat him up for wanting to kill you.

Mr. Gold: And that’s why you’re my best friend.

*Is playing hopscotch*

Mr. Gold: So…I thought I’d find you by my cabin….for some reason.

Mr. Gold: Anyway….bask in my awesomeness. I’m here now.

August: Funny how I was about to say the same thing.

Mr. Gold: Yeah, except “I” know who you are, so it totally doesn’t apply.

Rumpelstiltskin: Are we there yet?
Bae: No.
Rumpelstiltskin: Are we there yet?
Bae: No.

Bae: This will help us get to where we need to go.

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae, that’s a melted piece of plastic.


Rumpelstiltskin: Uh…..now what?

Bae: Dangit, maybe the fairy should’ve given me instructions.

*You know I can’t exactly fault Rumpelstiltskin for being a bit freaked out by this whole thing. Why couldn’t the Blue Fairy have warned them about the GIANT SUCKING VOTEX?*

Rumpelstiltskin: There is NO way I’m jumping in that thing Bae! It’s about to rip a crater right from under us! Why on Earth would I want to jump in?
Bae: You just don’t want to lose your leather pants appeal!


*Crater formed*
*Yeah, Bae’s arm just got dislocated*

Bae: So what if we’re going to a world that we have no idea about and has things that we don’t recognize and doesn’t have things that we’d recognize?! I’m sure it’ll be fine! Now let’s drop in this vortex that no one told us about and wing it!

Rumpelstiltskin: This knife is an amazing anchor with all the weight it’s holding!

Bae: Dad! It’s okay! You can be an actor and look normal and everyone will love you regardless of how creepy you can be!

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t want to be an actor! Alfred Hitchcock said they should be treated like cattle!

Rumpelstiltskin: But since you want to go so badly….I don’t see why I can’t let you achieve your goal!


Rumpelstiltskin: Aw, I love you anchor knife.

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute…did I just drop my kid in an unknown world when I could’ve just probably held on for a second longer and the vortex would’ve closed?

*Maybe I’m overanalyzing but look at the size of that crater. Bae must’ve had some serious faith going on*

Rumpelstiltskin: Whose going to attend my every need now?

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae! Stop being buried alive and come out of here right now!

Rumpelstiltskin: If this is building up to my surprise birthday party, it’s NOT funny!

Mr. Gold: So Bae, long story short, it’s all your fault that this entire series got it’s plot. Even though it’s obvious that with the time we have left on this episode, you’re just a red herring…

Mr. Gold: Why don’t you shave that horrible thing off your face? Or…bathe? And are you eating right? You’re far too thin.

Red Herring Not Bae: Daaaaddd!

Mr. Gold: And I’m sorry that I’m such a horrible father and I love you son and….um…I let you go for your benefit! Yeah, that’s it! It was time you went off in the world and didn’t have to see your dad go crazy!

Red Herring Not Bae: Don’t look at him! He’ll know you’re a lying liar!

Mr. Gold: I’ve spent every waking moment looking for you! And as the writers confirmed, ‘every waking moment’ means these past few months and I’ve been shown to do absolutely nothing but smirk and mock everyone and flirt with certain saviors…so I guess that’s not exactly true…never mind.

Red Herring Not Bae: I wish I brought my video camera. I could’ve recorded him being vulnerable. Bae, who I might have met at one point, would want to see this.

Mr. Gold: Do your sonly duty and hug me.

Red Herring Not Bae: *Is trying not to look* I don’t think I want to.

Mr. Gold: That’s what your mother used to say! You ARE Bae!

Red Herring Not Bae: Dad! You and your reverse psychology.

*Fans everywhere cry*
*Fans watching this episode again sort of hate August for using Rumpelstiltskin’s guilt and losing his son against him to get what he wanted*
Red Herring Not Bae: Oh daddy…how long does it take you to do your hair?

Mr. Gold: Where did you get this leather? It’s fabulous!

*Is shot would mean an entirely different thing if you didn’t know the context*

Red Herring Not Bae: So…I hate to bring this up but…about that knife…

Mr. Gold: So…with all that soft side and regret I showed you…all you can ask is ‘where’s the knife?’ Really? REALLY?!

Red Herring Not Bae: You COULD help daddy!

Mr. Gold: I am helping, it’s called supervising.

Red Herring Not Bae: Well it better be here this time or this will be the seventh empty hole you’ll have made me dig!

Mr. Gold: I need mass graves. Don’t ask why because you won’t like the answer.

*Is the knife.*

*Is considering knocking down Mr. Gold and taking the knife*

Mr. Gold: Well, here you go.

Mr. Gold: *Hopeful eyes* I know that you won’t abuse it like I did.
*Fans rewatching this episode hate August a little bit more*

Red Herring Not Bae: Wow, this is weird and I don’t like it.

Mr. Gold: *Is genuinely happy* I’m gonna have my son back, and a woman that threatens me as much as my real son’s mother used to do….It’ll be JUST like how it was before I turned sexy!

Red Herring Not Bae: Oh just give it to me already!

Mr. Gold: Um…Bae, if you’re going to kill me, the best place to aim is NOT at my skull…. I TAUGHT you better than that!

Red Herring Not Bae: By the power invested in me…I now pronounce you single!

Mr. Gold: Pfft. Whatever.

Red Herring Not Bae: Oh crap…um…*Actual dialogue* I COMMAND THEE DARK ONE! *Not actual dialogue* Oh that line was horrible. Do over! Do over!  

Mr. Gold: Hey you! I think you might be a Red Herring Not Bae!

Red Herring Not Bae: B-b-b-but…this plan was FOOLPROOF! Henry said so!

Mr. Gold: *Is a bit proud of him* I really do have to say that you planning that I’d catch you in the back of my shop, me following you when you wanted to hang with the nuns, and just randomly going by the cabin to wait for me in hopes I would show up AND being the only person I’ve ever groveled to was a pretty good plan. Well done! I hope you feel proud as I stab you in the face multiple times for making think you were Bae.

Red Herring Not Bae: Papa, why are you saying this?

Mr. Gold: I’m pretty sure all that “I command thee dark one” crap is a good indication of why I’m not buying it anymore!

Red Herring Not Bae: Then why did you insist we come out and dig up a useless knife?!

Mr. Gold: To point and laugh at you mostly! *Points and laughs*

*Sobs really quickly*

Mr. Gold: Maybe you should’ve done your research when you pretending to be my son because he was sort of against this whole magic thing from the beginning as I indicated to you when I was pouring my heart out! Maybe you shouldn’t have been zoning out!

Red Herring Not Bae: My favorite team was playing tonight...I was wondering how they were doing.

Mr. Gold: Give me my knife back!
Red Herring Not Bae: Sure, obviously pissed off murderer, take the knife freely!

Red Herring Not Bae: So…how about we call it a knife? Night! Night! How about we call it a night?

Mr. Gold: You tried to take my dignity and my woman and my beloved son’s identity and you think I’m going to let you survive tonight?

Red Herring Not Bae: If I say ‘yes’ will you let me go because you admire my spunk?


Red Herring Not Bae: I’ll take that as a ‘no’ then?

Mr. Gold: It’s time you start answering some questions…which I’ll make you answer except you don’t really answer. You just leave it vague.

Red Herring Not Bae: A little fairy told me or something….

Mr. Gold: I suddenly don’t regret plucking the wings of the ones that I captured. And why am I buying this so easily after I just caught you in a big lie?


Mr. Gold: I’m going to shave this thing off your face if it’s the last thing I do. Maybe I’ll miss a few times!

Red Herring Not Bae: Did I even look like your ankle grabber at all?

Mr. Gold: Um…have you SEEN the side by side photos on the internet? YOU KINDA DO!


Mr. Gold: I’m actually sort of giddy about this! I haven’t killed anyone in a good 100 years or so! Wait shouldn’t Emma be wondering about where you went off to? And when she does find what’s left of your corpse, won’t she suspect me because I was asking about you? But otherwise it’ll feel good to get some good old violence back in the system.

Red Herring Not Bae: Big deal, I’m dying anyway.

Mr. Gold: *Feels bummed* Awwwww! But WHHHHYYYY?

Red Herring Not Bae: Next episode dude. Next episode.

*The power of the manly man jaw saves the day*

Mr. Gold: Well I guess I could use you for some extra lulz.

Red Herring Not Bae: Uh….thanks?

Mr. Gold: Anyway, getting my darling fiancé’s hopes up as you ultimately disappoint her will be fun to watch.

*Mr. Gold shoved him FAR without that cane*

Mr. Gold: And this counts as my good deed for the century!

 Rumpelstiltskin: *Is drunk* My Bae lies over the vortex…*Hic* *Sob* My Bae lies over the…um…um…universe?

Blue Fairy: Someone has GOT to stop this.

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, react to something that you know isn’t really there. Good old CGI.

Rumpelstiltskin: You took my son!

Blue Fairy: Nuh uh!

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah-huh!

Blue Fairy: Nuh uh!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wonderbra!

Blue Fairy: Billboard Brow!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh you’re going to regret taking my son away from me when I hunt every one of you down with the giant flyswatter that I’m going to build!

Blue Fairy: Oh I’m shaking in my extra tight corset!

Rumpelstiltskin: As well you should be! When I get Bae back, we’re going to hunt you down! You’re just lucky I don’t have my Fairy!Raid with my right now.

Rumpelstiltskin: Grr.


*Attempts to skewer*

Blue Fairy: Um…you’re aware that probably won’t hurt me right?

Rumpelstiltskin: I was seeing three of you!  You were just lucky that I was aiming at the wrong one!

Rumpelstiltskin: I have no reason to live now….

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh wait I have pizza waiting for me.

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh, Bae probably ordered anchovies.

Regina: Stupid jail *glares*

Emma: I really gotta change the locks on this place.

Regina: I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here and what-

Emma: Save it princess, I’ll take you home and change before I put you in the jail for what you did to Mary. You might want to change into something more comfortable because I don’t let you change clothes. Ever.

Regina: Silly Emma. I don’t do conjugal visits.

Emma: Huh?

Regina: And don’t think I don’t know what you and Mr. Gold got up to when he was in here. I wondered why you two got engaged so fast.

Emma: Ewwwww.

Sidney: I am a dirty rotten framer and I am no longer fit to be Detective Man.
*So did he wait off screen this entire time they waited? Or did they sit on the desk chatting before he ran to the other room to make this admission more dramatic.*

Sidney: Also Detective Man was just a fantasy and he wasn’t real and had no influence on anything….*sniffles*

Emma: But….Detective Man is my partner and confidant in all things that I didn’t want you to know about!

Regina: WAS your partner and confidant. You never see him again after this episode.

Sidney: I doctored all the evidence…don’t ask how I got past our state of the art security to get to the labs.

Emma: *Sniffles* Detective Man….

Sidney: Promise me you’ll make a comic book series out of me when I’m gone Emma! Drunken diner resident journalist by day…ineffective crime fighter by night! With his trusty sidekick Sheriff Swan at his side!

Emma: Sidney you can redeem Detective Man if you just tell me the truth right now.

Sidney: Sorry Emma, but I won’t make the same mistake as my superhero companions! I refuse to let my duties shadow true love.

Regina: Yeah except I don’t love you and I’ve been using you since day one.

Sidney: Oh.

Emma: Well from now on…“I” shall be Detective Man! No wait, that didn’t come out right!

*Are squaring off*

Regina: You make a better door than a window, Mrs. Gold to be. Are you going to “Step off” as the kids put it now days or are we going to ‘throw down”?

Emma: I’d rather get you in a hospital supply closet!

Regina: Whhaaaa?

Emma: Oh wait, that didn’t come out right either!

Emma: Well it’s going to be awkward when people come to take Sidney away and somehow he ends up in the asylum without me knowing about it somehow….but I Will avenge his sacrifice!

Regina: By forgetting about him?

Emma: Pretty much.

Regina: Seems to be a theme with you…

Emma: Well you know who I’m NOT going to forget about? Henry! As Mr. Gold and I are driving off laughing at you with him in our backseat and we’re calling him ‘son.”

Regina: Silly Emma. That would imply that I’m not actually going to try to stop you now that you just told me your goal.  

The End

Owns Nothing.
If everyone had a friend like Abridged!Archie, the world would be a better place.
Vortex scene was one of the hardest scenes to abridge.

Special thanks to JediCatKenobi for creating the “save the date” invitation used this week’s episode.

1 comment:

  1. Pfft, as if Bae could charm her.

    If only you'd known, mr. Gold.
    If only you'd known.