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Saturday, February 16, 2013

204 - The Crocodile

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I was gonna save this for Emma when I was trying to seduce her but...oh well, you’ll do.

Belle: Who on Earth is rich enough to pawn THAT?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I dunno, it was like I just walked in here one day and all this stuff was waiting for me, ready to be sold! Also I have no cane! Either this is a dream or I’ve been a big fat fake since season one.

Rumpelstiltskin: And I’m going to go ahead and let you know that there’s so much copper in this necklace that your neck and head are probably going to turn green.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Prepares for a kiss*
Belle: *Gets ready to kiss him, fakes out, and then hugs*

Belle: I haven’t seen you in three episodes!
Rumpelstiltskin: So I’m guessing I’m forgiven for that whole…kicking you out of the castle thing.

Belle: Pfft. No.

Grumpy: Hey, can you guys speed it up? I’ve been watching you moon over each other for an hour and I haven’t even gotten served yet.

Rumpelstiltskin: Is this store even open anymore?

Grumpy: You insulted my boat!

Grumpy: And you! You put your drink on my tab when we randomly met!

Rumpelstiltskin: You had the nerve to talk to my woman?!

Belle: Don’t hurt him, Rumpelstiltskin! They can trace the evidence here!

Grumpy: I’m not even sure this is physically possible!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiii Belle. All this killing has made me hungry. Go make me a sandwich!

Belle: YES! Oh wait, him in Rumpelstiltskin’s form and in Mr. Gold’s suit was a dream *Is bummed*

Belle: I’m going to have to talk to him about this. Leaving the door unlocked and half open seems REALLY risky. He got robbed twice last year! I mean look at who our sheriff is about to be!

Belle: Hey! Honey! A note about where you were going to be wouldn’t have hurt! I’m just saying!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh crap, I forgot to close the curtains after I opened them to sing “When you Wish Upon a Star.” Oh well, I just sat down and I don’t want to get up. It’ll do. Maybe Belle won't notice.

Rumpelstiltskin: I still can’t figure out how gold thread can be used as currency and a way to incorporate magic but I come from a fantasy land, what do I know? I’m not even sure we have currency here anymore.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes! Neon Light colored flavored water.

Rumpelstiltskin: LUCY, I’M HOME!

Rumpelstiltskin: Um…where’s your mother?

Baelfire: Fired her.

Rumpelstiltskin: Bae! Stop doing that! Even though you’re like five and your mother leaves you for hours at a time with access to a roaring fire so that she can go drinking while I actually earn my living, don’t you know that she loves you?

Baelfire: I guess we’re just going to have to drag her back home again.
Rumpelstiltskin: We’re such a happy family!

Milah: Go play in traffic, Rumpelstiltskin!

Rumpelstiltskin: …..I don’t…want to.

Milah: I’m annoyed by the honored widows that were lucky enough to have their husband’s killed while I have my husband being alive and well!
Killian: I’m annoyed that yet another of my supposed true loves comes with baggage.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well…I was just here to let you know that we were having…muffins for dinner and thought you’d like some…

Milah: Well I despise my pacifist husband….but I DO like muffins….but then again I do like drinking with strange men…

Baelfire: WOMAN! Get your butt in gear NOW!
Rumpelstiltskin: Baelfire! You aren’t supposed to come in to guilt your mother until I leave the tavern crying! We’ve rehearsed this!

Milah: Oh crap, a son! I forgot I had one of those!

Rumpelstiltskin: So…um…I can’t be THAT bad of a husband that you wish I’d died in a war, can I?

Milah: Well “I” wish you’d fought…and then died.

Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, have you SEEN an ogre?! Not many people would be able to kill an ogre with an arrow to the eye; did you really expect me to be able to?

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean, have you even ever considered that maybe everyone supposedly mistreats you because you neglect our son for hours and publicly humiliate me? I’m just saying…

Milah: What sort of silly logic is that? This is all your fault! And I don’t want your tea! You don’t put NEAR enough sugar in it!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Feels sad*

Milah: We could always run away together.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Suppresses inappropriate laughter* Yeah, okay Milah. Let’s pack immediately! I’m sure we’ll get FAR with a five year old, a cripple and a nag. Oh yeah, and the horse too. If we have one.

Milah: I don’t like getting insulted by other people….

Rumpel: I know that we have our differences but if we try then we can work them out. Because I love you Milha, I love you with the passionate heat of a thousand suns. We can restore our reputation! And we can be better than we were before!

Milah: Zzzzz.

Rumpelstiltskin: Figures.

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiii Belle! *Fans pause to look at Rumpelstiltskin’s kitchen*

Rumpelstiltskin: Aw Belle! I told you to stop eating all the strawberries! And I buy those in bulk too!

Belle: It’s not my fault. I spent 28 years in an asylum and I’m supposed to be a regular and thus far I’ve only been in less than half the episodes. On top of that, you’re not exactly helping me find my dad. I’m getting depressed.

Rumpelstiltskin: Here, have some orange juice. That brightens my day when I’m not making people hate me and Jiminy and I don’t have friend’s night! You know this game I and my son…..*realizes he just nearly told her about Bae* Sooomeone that I love played? We’d break an egg into the orange juice and whoever got in their cup had to wash the dishes. I think my son *Realizes he did it again* sooomeone special cheated because I always lost.

*Hopes that changed the subject*

Belle: ….

Belle: …I hate orange juice

Rumpelstiltskin: And that’s why we’ll never be together.

Belle: Yeah! That and the fact that you don’t trust me!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well that too, OBVIOUSLY.

Belle: We’ve been locked up in here hopefully NOT doing naughty things for days. I’m surprised this is coming up now! *Stomps off*

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe I should’ve waited until we got further in our relationship before I told her about the egg yolk game.

Rumpelstiltskin: A girl at my door! That hasn’t happened in…ever!

Random Woman: Oh Rumpelstiltskin! You have to come take your wife back! Pirates took her! You go get negotiations ready, okay? I’ll get the entire village to get their weapons ready in case just talking doesn’t work out!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait….who are you?

Rumpelstiltskin: Pfft. Nice boat colors there, pirates. Real stealthy. How much do you have to spend on paint every month?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Curls up on the ground* I’m not moving until you bring me my wife!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is dragged up* Oh wait, okay.

Killian: Llllladies?

Rumpelstiltskin: Good heavens! I want to wear clothes just like that!

Killian: Yeah, as if leather pants can get YOU fan girls!

Killian: *Is practicing his sexy look* My name is Killian Jones.

Rumpelstiltskin: Need two names, wimp?

Killian: I’m sure someone named RUMPELSTILTSKIN should be making fun of names, right Rumpie?

Rumpelstiltskin: Look the only reason I’m here is because you may have sort of made off with my woman. And while I usually think my pet rock is a better partner than her and I’d pay you DOUBLE to keep her…my kid has sort of grown attached and so I need her back.

Killian: Well, we need companionship!
Rumpelstiltskin: Please don’t say that and start walking towards me like you are!

Rumpelstiltskin: I really don’t think that you two would work out. For one thing, she gets travel sick really easily, hates anything that resembles a happy man, and she’s going to hate knowing that you might be jacking her eyeliner. Once someone in the village borrowed hers and she tried scratching their eyes out so that she’d never have to worry about that again.

Killian: *Is worried*

Killian: Well….you’re just gonna have to fight for her! Because I’m an honorable man!

Killian: Bullying crippled weaker men who have never dueled before who came on a boat to save a wife that they thought was kidnapped doesn’t take away from that ‘honorable gentleman’ thing, right?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, one would think.

Killian: I have decided that your reluctance to fight me in an obviously losing battle deems you a coward! Say hi to the kid I just nearly orphaned, okay?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Killian, it’s good to know that before you murder, rape, and pillage you stop to put on your eye makeup!

Killian: It brings out my baby blues, okay?!
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s a fashion statement that’ll NEVER get popular!

Charming: I hate being demoted to fan service scenes!

Henry: Keep working old man. Any slacking and you face the riding crop!
Charming: Not aggaiinnn!

Henry: What took you so long!
Red: Like…it takes me a few minutes more these days because my character’s actually wearing clothes!

Henry: They haven’t found anything. I don’t know why fairy dust would suddenly appear in a land without magic but they all seem to think it does. Oh well, this is the only way I got to be in the episode, so I don’t mind

Red: That was totally for the workers!
Henry: *Nom* *Nom* *Nom*
Red: *Sigh* Never mind.

Charming: I HATE Chekov’s Gun style mine dust!

Grumpy: And just where do you think you’re going?!
Charming: I’m bored. I thought we were all going to sing “Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go” but we didn’t. I’m going to find cooler people to hang out with.

Charming: *Giggles*
Grumpy: *Punches*

Belle! Get out of there; you’re hogging the one bathroom in this house for hours!

*Fans pause to look at Rumpelstiltskin’s bedroom*

Rumpelstiltskin: Crawling out the window to get away from me…exactly like the first wife….

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute, how on earth did she crawl out the window in that dress she was wearing?

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh, happy colorful things still don’t hold a candle to my amazing house.

Moe: There’s something wrong with this picture…

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll say it is. Your version of her has the wrong eye color.

Moe: I’ll bet that during your walks together where Belle sang about little towns and nothing happening, you ran ahead and pulled down the missing poster signs that I littered the city with.

Rumpelstiltskin: I do have to ask what sort of paper you use; it burns amazingly well in the fireplace.

Moe: So dude, thanks a LOT for trying to kill me on faulty information given to you by REGINA of all people. We should really discuss that one day.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh stop, I made sure to attempt to murder you in places where you obviously didn’t scar. Let it go already. What’s a little assault between potential in-laws?

Moe: You’re evil!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now that just hurt my feelings! You didn’t have to be mean!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is picking apart bread* WHERE is the cream filling?

Smee: Can I get an autograph?

Rumpelstiltskin: Absolutely not. You were that toy guy in Smallville weren’t you?

Rumpelstiltskin: No! Don’t’ sit down, don’t sit- *Is annoyed* Fine, what do you want?

Rumpelstiltskin: And you’re going to have to leave soon because there’s this guy who is bragging about drinking the entire town under the table and he has NOT met me yet. Anyway, I don’t let LOSERS hang out with me.

*So has Rumpelstiltskin been picking apart the bread and tossing it at the candle or something?*
Smee: So…for some reason, I know about a bean and I know that you’re using it to find your kid.

Smee: You might want to be stealthier about that. Putting up missing photos with his face on there and then having the picture of the bean and an arrow pointing that and having words that say “If found, please summon evil incarnate” next to the bean, might be a bad idea.

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not MY fault; I’m just still trying to figure this stuff out! Now do you want to die or do you want to help me acquire it.

Smee: *Grinds fist into palm* I’m pretty sure I can take you down.

Rumpelstiltskin: I thought all the beans were gone.

Smee: Well this is the positively POSITIVELY final last one. Seriously, it was vacationing in another world or something

Rumpelstiltskin: The Rhuel Ghorim must’ve been out drinking when she talked to my son about how it was the last one. That or the writers changed their minds. I honestly can’t figure out which is more likely.

Smee: Also don’t drink the beer here, it’s awful.

Rumpelstiltskin: So what’s the price for this?

Smee: I want to be 6’5 and buff!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well heck, so do I.

Smee: On second thought, I guess eternal life will have to do.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Actual Dialogue* Only the dark one has life eternal! *Not actual dialogue* Unless you’re one of the fairies…or under a sleeping curse...and come to think of it, for someone that had life eternal…Zoso died pretty easily…okay never mind.

Smee: On third thought, just make me young.

Bar Keep: You DO know that our bread is a waxy decoration, don’t you?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is embarrassed* Oh.

Killian: Guys! You’re here! *Squeals and runs towards them with open arms*
Quarter Master: When Killian said he was going to drink this town under the table, I never thought he’d actually be able to do it.

Rumpelstiltskin: NO! It can’t be! Wait…who is that?

Tavern: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!  

Red: Hey, listen, I’m going to have to cut you off soon, because you’re drinking us out of business and I don’t think you brought any money…and you used all the sugar we had in stock…

Belle: *Is Hyper* These sweet teas are amazing! I’m going to ask my boyfriend to get me the secret recipe!

Red: You must not get out much…NO ONE likes Granny’s sweet tea.

Belle: Well, I don’t have much knowledge on the delicacies here. Rumpelstiltskin told me not to go out as much as I would like. He keeps insisting that I’ll get kidnapped or something.

Red: Are you that girl that he claimed was his true love when I was married to him?!

Belle: You were married to Rumpelstiltskin?

Red: Me and pretty much half the female population at one time or another.

Belle: I did NOT want to hear that.

Red: Well you lasted much MUCH longer with him than most of us have. I’m totally guessing that you two are having problems since he’s not watching you like a hawk.

Belle: Yeah…he’s sort of got that whole lying thing going on.

Red: I could’ve used that when we were married, he kept calling me Belle
*Good Lord, look at Ruby’s shoes*

Red: Like…I just had this TOTALLY wicked thought! Wanna be besties?!

Belle: Okay!

Belle: This is ridiculous. The doors always opened when Rumpelstiltskin stood glaring at them.

Belle: Hope no one’s doing anything embarrassing in here!

*Good to know that Maleficent kept the books well dusted*  

Smee: HI!
Belle: GAH! *Takes karate pose*

*Um…there are people right behind Smee, what made him think this was a good idea*

Belle: Sorry creepy guy, my boyfriend would shove you in a locker if he knew you were talking to me.

Smee: *Tries to look dashing* I shall save you from him!

Belle: I’m also here all alone with no way of communication…just so you know.

Smee: SWEET! *Is kidnapping.*
Random guy in the background: HEY YOU!

Killian: Hey, have you guys read the abridged series?! Amazing stuff!

Rumpelstiltskin: Get in the right hand lane if you want to poke down the street, LOSER.
Guy in Red Hat: *Is liking what he sees*

Killian: Hey! That wasn’t polite! I’m an honorable man! Give me your lunch money!

Rumpelstiltskin: Dude, seriously I had to plow into you eight times since you left the bar before you even noticed.

Killian: Bad crocodile! You heel now!

Killian: I’m a gentleman!

*Shoves down*
*The Guy in the Red Hat is really milking his part there*

Rumpelstiltskin: What’s the deal with you?! This was expensive! Its 300+ year guarantee is worthless now! 

Killian: Hey! You’re that one guy from that one time!

Rumpelstiltskin: Wow, you’re drunken eyesight is amazing. After 10+ years and a makeover for me, you recognize me? And here you are, not looking like you aged a day!

Rumpel: I know lots of things about you. I know that you’re real name isn’t Killian Jones…its Frances Jones Jr.

Killian: I like “Killian”.

Rumpelstiltskin: You named your pet gerbil “Killian”

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh no, I lost a contact! Nobody move!

Killian: So…how about that last time we met!?

Rumpelstiltskin: You mean the time when you made off with my wife?!

Killian: Who?

Killian: I’m a man with an honorable code, by the way!  

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, hahahaha, I know you’re lying.

Killian: No! Really!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is annoyed that he honestly doesn’t remember* Okay, you know what? Let’s just fight to the death. Considering you’re a pirate whose probably robbed and murdered innocent people, I really think I’m doing the world a favor.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hugs self* Because that’s my job.

Rumpelstiltskin: Also you were wrong about the whole pants thing.

Killian: Yeah, my eight sisters have told me that.

Rumpelstiltskin: You have SISTERS?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiii caveman.

Charming: Oh great. It’s bad enough that you scream that in the town square and at town council meetings but do you have to do it in the privacy of the home that I’m squatting in?

Charming: And if you’re here to hang out with Henry then the answer is no. And stop calling him your beloved stepson! You and Emma never got married last season much to my relief so he’s technically not even yours!

Charming: Wait, what are you looking at?
Rumpelstiltskin: I’m checking out that badge…
Charming: EWWWWWW
Rumpelstiltskin: The thing on your belt, ding dong. Please tell me you got that at the dollar store.

Charming: I’m sheriff now!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Breaks into hysterical laughter*
Charming:….. I should have seen that coming.


Charming: I can’t believe you just kicked open my door!
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s MY door caveman, YOU just borrowed it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh come in? Don’t mind if I do, where is my beloved stepson anyway?
Charming: Darned if I know. Probably off disobeying me again.

Rumpelstiltskin: Listen, I went to about everyone in this town for help before I came to you but they’re all scared of me for…some odd unexplained reason. So you’re the only one left.

Charming: Oh um…at least…Moe..tried.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll refrain from telling you that I actually drew that and when I saw the outcome I gave the blame to Moe.

Charming: Shame on you! Using wraiths and the aftermath to pick up chicks!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh stop! If you were slightly more David Nolan you’d be professing your love to half a dozen women in this town and turning them against each other.

Charming: But you’re still engaged to Emma!
Rumpelstiltskin: Well it’s not like we can officially break it off since she’d rather jump down hats with wraiths as opposed to us talking about our relationship! A man has needs, caveman!

Rumpelstiltskin: For what it’s worth, it looks like Emma’s going to be the immediate front runner for my affections real soon.

Charming: I really don’t want sit there and think about you or my daughter having any sort of physical contact other than her punching you in the face.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well then this works out perfectly! You help me find Belle and I’ll use my charm to get her back and you don’t have to worry about it! At least until Emma returns and we can resume our eternal love.

Charming: I never expected this whole ‘let’s stay out of each other’s way’ thing to come crashing down in two episodes.

Charming: But I’d really take Emma dating the hatter over you….

Rumpelstiltskin: There are cupcakes that come with the deal!

Charming: I’m in!

Killian: So I’m beginning to think this whole honorable thing is a waste of time…


Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry that was totally an accident! Can you give that back?

Rumpelstiltksin: Oh wiat! Nevermind! I’ll just take yours instead! It’s way cooler!
Killian: Look, my mom gave that to me….

*A shot for the squaling masses*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Hums Never Smile At A Crocodile*

Killian: Alright, let’s take ten paces *Stumbles*
Rumpelstiltskin: EN GUARDE!
Killian: WAIT! I wasn’t ready!

*Obviously NOT Robert Carlyle*


Rumpelstiltskin: Hey…that’s a box.

Rumpelstiltskin: I also spent the night drinking lots of caffeine!

*Is dancing around hyperactively*

Killian: *Curls up* I’m not moving until you let me win!

Rumpelstiltskin: Seriously?

Killian: Oh, the sword, I forgot you had that...

Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, your sideburns are a bit uneven…I should probably fix that.

Rumpelstiltskin: You need to look good in your casket after all. The fangirls would be pissed if they knew that I marked your face up. Hey, you ever known what it feels like to have your heart broken?

Killian: I was usually the perpetrator in that department…and the way you’re saying it, I’m guessing you plan for it to be painful.

Killian: Wait, yeah, yeah, that hurts.

Rumpelstiltskin: Is the only thing you eat fast food and rum? The health of this festering thing…

Milah: Hey honey! You done killing that dark one like you were bragging about?! Oh, crap, it’s my husband *Is awkward*

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh crap, it’s my wife and I’m groping her boyfriend *Is awkward*  

Smee: Now that I think of it, kidnapping you, dragging you down the street screaming, and waving at everyone who stopped to look was probably a bad idea…maybe I should’ve just told you that I knew where your father was…

Maurice: Hey, you couldn’t have been more subtle about taking her? Rumpelstiltskin’s got Interpol, FBI, and all sorts of SWAT teams combing the street looking for her.

Belle: DADDY!
Maurice: Oh Belle! I have absolutely no reason as to why I didn’t immediately go to Rumpelstiltskin’s house the minute I woke up and realized you were gone.

Maurice: Now we can get you married to a real man.
Smee: *Hopes he’s on that list*

Belle: But Rumpelstiltskin is cuddly!

Belle: You know…in between beatings and contract loopholes…

Maurice: You mean the guy that kept us from finding each other and I believe held you captive for 28 years? He’s a regular Romeo.

Belle: Oh dad, just because there’s a 250+ age difference between the two of us is no reason to worry. I know you never wanted a son-in-law older than you were but…well to be honest, my only other option was Gaston and he was quite the blooming idiot.

Maurice: Please tell me that you’re not true loves.

Belle: Oh dad, he’s hardly that bad. Getting with the most powerful man in town was what you always wanted for me anyway!

Maurice: ….

Maurice: Yeah, okay so I can’t argue with that logic.


Rumpelstiltskin: The best way to know you’re villainy emasculated? When you have to run to CHARMING for help.

Charming: Do you remember turning a butcher into a pig?

Rumpelstiltskin: Ah for me…it was Tuesday.

Charming: I’m starting to get why no one wants to help you.

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s JUST occurring to you now? Really?
Charming: I’m not listening! *Hums*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is in the mood to annoy him* Okay, new strategy.

Rumpelstiltskin: So you and Snow White…how does that work?

Charming: Dear heaven, tell me you’re not pushing this into awkward territory by asking me for dating advice.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Realizes who he’s talking to*

Rumpelstiltskin: Does asking how you and Snow White work SOUND like I’m asking for dating advice? I’m trying to figure out how you work…as in what made her pick you over me?

Charming:  I don’t think I want to answer that.

Charming: But we use honesty with each other! Not lying and cheating and sort of silly affair and murder plots! We believe in good old fashioned TRUTH!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Bursts out laughing *

Charming: *Is annoyed* It’s gonna be one of those days.
Rumpelstiltskin: Are we really just going to go door to door?

Milah: *Is awkward*
Rumpelstiltskin: *Is awkward*
Killian: Can you take that out now?

Rumpelstiltskin: Everyone’s always lying to me and I’m always buying it! I’m the most gullible Dark One in the history of whatever it is that I really am!

Rumpelstiltskin: You are aware that I just spent years thinking that you were used and abused and killed, right?

Milah: Well see, that first night I met him…He told great stories and I fell in love with him or…something and even though I barely knew him, I figured I could run off with the bloodthirsty murdering pirate because what’s the worst that could possibly happen? I sort of probably made that decision after I told you that I’d try to make things work and then abandoned our son and you...

Milah: Now that I’m saying it out loud…I…sort of feel stupid…

Rumpelstiltskin: You should.

Milah: I just didn’t know how to tell you that I was running off because you were a coward! So that’s was what I did! Just telling the truth was too hard while you were sitting around waiting for me to come home that day…so I just let my boyfriend not so subtly hint that I was going to be a human sex toy and let him emasculate you even more…because I Just didn’t know how to tell you.

Rumpelstiltskin: You are…really a horrible person.

Milah: Oh don’t be like that! I was in LOOOOVVEEEE! Because that’s what true love is born from! Breaking up marriages and completely selfish actions!

Killian: Not helping, Milah!

Rumpelstiltskin: I know, right? It just seems more like she fell in love with adventure than falling in love with you!

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s uh…not mine.

Milah: *Actual dialogue* I may not know what the dark one wants with a magic bean *Not actual dialogue* Which is ridiculous because SMEE of all people figured it out but I suppose if it doesn’t have to do with me and what I want then I don’t care….

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, I could just brutally murder all of you and take the bean for myself. I may not be the world’s best pacifist but I really don’t think I’d be doing the world any harm by murdering a bunch of pirates…

Milah: I…didn’t think about that. 

Red: Like…someone that sort of looks like her was here…but the eye color’s all wrong.

Red: I mean, I totally haven’t seen anyone.

Rumpelstiltskin: She’s lying! TASER HER!

Charming: Look, if you tell me where she is then I’ll make sure she doesn’t get hurt.

Red: *Realizes who she’s talking to* Yeah sure, okay.

Charming: Also I’ll leave a 100% tip for you for the next month.

Red: Fine, she was totally here getting wasted on Granny’s sweet tea and rambling on about her boyfriend.
Charming: *Feels smart that he figured it out*

Rumpelstiltskin: Does Belle have another boyfriend that I don’t know about? I’ve certainly never given her any cause for grief.

Red: Well on top of leaving a tab for five hundred dollars, she also left behind this sweater. I guess she expected everyone else to pick up after her. She must be a princess or something.

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s MY sweater, the little thief!

Red: Actually, it USED to be mine back in the Enchanted Forest. I KNEW you didn’t give me all my stuff back after the annulment.

Rumpelstiltskin: We were married?

Red: …..

Rumpelstiltskin: Red! Give me back my sweater!
Red: No! I’m throwing it in the river!

*CSI Storybrooke plays*
Charming: I can’t wait until “I” contribute something to this group.

Red: Like…the only way that I’ll forgive you is if you buy out the entire flower store.

Red: Ugh, also Belle was here.
Charming: HEROIC POSE!

Rumpelstiltskin: OH darling, your wolf sense strikes again! *Checks out*

Red: That totally wasn’t my wolf sense, I didn’t even need to turn it on to smell her perfume perforating everything within the main street block!

 Charming: Look at all that growth up there…Old Moe’s really letting the place go.

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh, so many bees in here….

Maurice: Did the restraining order I filed against you last season expire already?

Charming: WAIT! This is an important investigation and I ask the important questions…do you sell petunias?
Rumpelstiltskin: *Can’t believe he had to go to Charming for help*

Maurice: All of you just get out. Can’t you see that I have misguided fatherly duties to attend to?

Rumpelstiltskin: Wait a minute! Belle WAS here! That’s not her perfume, she used my cologne!

Maurice: Dude, what are you doing?
Rumpelstiltskin: My fingers are little legs and they’re walking up the wall!

Maurice: STOP THAT! Okay, I had my own daughter kidnapped! She didn’t take to it too well oddly enough.

Charming: We have patrols set up in case someone crosses accidently! For some reason! Because apparently some of them have reason to be out at the town borders and for some reason they MIGHT miss the giant sign that says ‘Leaving Storybrooke”
Maurice: I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh wait sorry, my cane is magnetically attracted to the metal rod they had to put in your spine when I attacked you.

Charming: *Yanks away* Move Rumpelstiltskin. Otherwise I’ll have to fill out paperwork for you attempted assault!
Rumpelstiltskin: *Crashes into the pile of trashcans*
Charming: Yep, that’s gonna bruise.

Charming: Luckily I’m an expert on all the dirts in this town and I’ve decided this is mine dust.
Rumpelstiltskin: Or…dirt…considering he works with flowers.
Charming: Now Rumpelstiltskin, what are the chances that I looked down earlier, noticed the dirt was on my hands from the mine, and commented on it and NOT notice it later on someone else’s!?

Charming: Inner wrist pinch!
Charming: I just happened to remember that the mine tunnels lead outside of town! Don’t ask why I didn’t think of this sooner since I already knew that they couldn’t leave the city through the streets.

Red: I totally happen to know how to drive this thing.
Rumpelstiltskin: Can I sit in the back?
Charming: Like I’d trust you back here with Maurice!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t want to be seen riding in this junkmobile! Everyone’s going to notice! Charming, you get up here! You would be the one they’d expect!

Milah: Sun’s up pretty high for the fact that it was sort of dark when the last scene with us ended.
Killian: So nice of Rumpelstiltskin to buy us a round of drinks though.

Rumpelstiltskin: This is great guys! The last time that I was on a boat, I was crying like a little girl! I’m so happy the tables have turned!

Smee: FREEDOM! *grabs guy’s arm and breaks it, tries to run and is immediately tackled by the crew*

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s not a bean! That’s a realm jumping suppository! I’m not using that!

Killian*Grabs realm jumping suppository* HaHA! We’re not giving it to you so easily; we’re going to play a few games of Rumpel in the middle first!

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s absolutely adorable how you all think that you have the upper hand in this.

Rumpelstiltskin: So you feel absolutely…no guilt at all about the fact that you made me think that you were about to get gang raped and killed just because you wanted to run off with a pirate.
Milah: Isn’t it dreamy?
Rumpelstiltskin: NO! This isn’t true love; this is two self-absorbed bullies that don’t care about who they hurt.

Milah: Which is what true love is!

Rumpelstiltskin: According to what? Twilight?

*Are invested in this conversation*

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, it’s bad enough that you ran out on me after promising we’d try, made me think pirates kidnapped you, letting your boyfriend humiliate me, making me think you were probably raped and dead all these years…but I just realized that you haven’t asked about our kid at least once during this entire time!

Milha: Oh crap, that thing I popped out approximately 15 years ago, I forgot I had one of those! Well, I…felt…badly about leaving.
*That’s seriously what she goes with*

Rumpelstiltskin: I mean, seriously, I let my kid go for an instant and I’ve regretted it ever since and every horrible thing I’ve done was so that I can reunite with him. And while that nowhere NEAR makes it right, it’s still a way better excuse than you wanted to knock boots with a pirate! I mean you never even TRIED to come see him!  

Milah: Are you making my leaving sound like my fault!? I can’t have that! For some reason, I’m going to have to turn it around on you! I left because…you were a coward and I could never love you…or something. Because apparently a blood thirsty coward bully is far more easy to love than the husband that got on a pirate ship full of men that could hurt him in order to try and talk them into giving me back…

*Once you’re groped by Rumpelstiltskin…you NEVER forget it*
Killian: Oh hey, I wasn’t concerned with how this conversation was going to end until now!

*Trips and gets tangled in the ropes*

*Impossible for me to believe that she actually has one. Must be for decoration*

Milah: I never thought that telling the evil entity that I was previously begging to spare our lives might take offense to my attempts to twist the knife even further in his back!

Killian: Milah, I got rope burn! No wait; this isn’t the time to sit in my lap!

Milah: I love you…..r stories.

*Is dead*
Killian: Well, time to find a new girlfriend!

Rumpelstiltskin: So can I have that not-bean, or not?
Pirates in the background: Yeah, we really don’t seem bothered by this.

*Cuts hand off*
Killian: Ow! That stung!

*How is blood NOT squirting everywhere right now?*

Killian: Smile! Things could be worse!

Killian: I was going to give the bean to you, dude! You just had to ask! It was going to be my thank you because no matter what I did, Milah didn’t get the clue that I was NOT interested anymore!

*Slams hook in chest*
Rumpelstiltskin: OWWW! What was that for?!

Rumpelstiltskin: I would like to think that my heart is a bit HIGHER than that.

Killian: How am I not in constant screaming agony right now?

Rumpelstiltskin: So is the hook to the chest a blatant attempt at foreshadowing? Whatever, I gotta run; “Adventure Time” is on.

Killian: Well, this looks like it’ll be a GREAT replacement!

Killian: I’m so annoyed that he killed Milah.

Killian: But I’m REALLY pissed off about my hand.

Belle: I do not like this game!

Smee: I put a key in the dirt for you to get loose when you arrive to the other side. Considering that you’re going to forget as soon as you cross the town barrier, I have no idea why I’m even bothering to tell you this.

*Is having a really bad day.*

Belle: I don’t suppose we can have some sweet tea and talk about this?

*Indiana Jones music plays*

*So, the plan was to kidnap Belle and hope that Rumpel DIDN’T find out about what happened? Maybe when Moe considers something to be a good plan, he should automatically do the EXACT OPPOSITE*

Belle: AUGH! Whiplash! Dislocated shoulder!

Rumpelstiltskin: MAGIC
Red: Like…that totally HOT.

Maurice: So where did Smee go? Did we pass each other on the way out or something?

Rumpelstiltskin: EMMA! I mean…Belle! You’re alright! I’m going to have to start putting a leash on you though…maybe a tracker….

Charming: *Is folding* Oooo, womanly hips.
Belle: *Is considering which is the best place to punch her boyfriend*

Rumpelstiltskin: And now, we may resume our eternal love!

Belle: *Checks out* Mmmmm.

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re looking at me in something that’s NOT disgust! I knew we were meant for each other!

*Are snogging*
Charming: *Is taking notes*

Maurice: So am I going to jail for this?

Rumpelstiltskin: Honey! Why did you stomp on my foot!

Belle: Because I’m the ONE character in this show that’s tired of your mind games and not afraid to tell you!

Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever! EVERYONE loves my mind games. That’s why they keep stupidly participating in them!

Belle: And you! You tried to make me a blank confused slate again! Dad, we are SO done too!

Belle: Also, what happened to Red?

Rumpelstiltskin: You know, I think she might be MAD at me!
Charming: Why do I have the feeling that I just came in on something that I’m not even remotely going to understand or get the full story on?

Belle: Oh…Rumpelstiltskin usually makes it into a smiley face….

Red: I’m so happy that you’re my replacement bestie since Snow ran off with her daughter. We’re going to stay up late, talk about boys, annoy Granny with our incessant giggling; I’m going to introduce you to cookie dough so you have that to fall back on whenever Rumpelstiltskin makes you upset which is bound to happen….

Belle: Cookie dough! *Is excited*

Red: And us ex-wives of Rumpelstiltskin formed this club and we’re going to fill you in on all the embarrassing stories about him. Like the time he took up building loofas. It’s totally hilarious.

Red: Also he stopped by to give you this. I already looked in it and saw that it wasn’t an engagement ring so you’re safe on that front.

Belle: Oh my, I wonder who gave THIS to me.

*I sure hope Belle ate that breakfast*
*What on earth is she wearing, anyway?*

Belle: AH! The smell of must, and age, and mold, and mildew and fire, and ash and a giant decaying dragon corpse!

Belle: Wait a minute, I don’t even know HOW to be a librarian!

Rumpelstiltskin: I’ll be MORE than happy to give you a few lessons…if you know what I mean….

Belle: …Just how long have you been waiting in here?

Rumpelstiltskin: Three days. I had to hide when Ruby kept using the key to come in because she thought you were getting a present or something. She was a bit slow about getting around to giving you that key, as you can probably guess…

Belle: I am NOT dating you, so that whole thing where you serenaded me at my window…and had Archie, Charming, and Leroy follow me around singing about love all day…it isn’t going to work.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I was hoping that even though it didn’t work for Emma either, it might work for you…

Belle: You mean…I’m not the first?

Rumpelstiltskin: Are you kidding? Before Emma, I hired them out to serenade GRANNY! Woman, this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t kidnapping bait! My fideltity issues are YOUR fault.

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, I lost my son and we’re all here because of me…which actually benefitted you a LOT, so you can thank me any way you wish…and I’m here to find him.

Belle: Didn’t…work out so well…

Rumpelstiltskin: Also, my first wife was a sort of horrible human being and she may be a LOT of the reason for my commitment issues other than the fact that I kept outliving the other women I married…

Rumpelstiltskin: But I also have a beloved fiancĂ© and I MAY sort of care about her even though she hates me but even more important than that, she might be my meal ticket to finding my kid…which is sort of REALLY important for me and would be a bit silly for me to abandon him in favor of you….

Rumpelstiltskin: And SHE never objected to my magic and so long story short…I have to break up with you so that I can work to get on her good side again.

Belle: *Is relieved* Good, because Archie asked me out on a date and I wasn’t sure if I should say no or yes.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is proud* Go Archie, it’s about time.

Belle: *Was hoping to make him jealous* Oh…okay.

Rumpelstiltskin: You definitely need to mop this floor though.

Rumpelstiltskin: And don’t use bleach, that ruins the bottom of my pants and I do plan to come in here and check you out. I plan to do that a LOT actually.

Rumpelstiltskin: Get one last inappropriate touch in…

Rumpelstiltskin: And off I go.

Belle: If by small chance, Emma does return, would you like to double date?

Rumpelstiltskin: Sure, nothing says ‘Guys Night’ like…couple’s Pictionary and charades….

Belle: I have no clue what either one of those are.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, let’s keep it that way sister. Rumpelstiltskin does not double date because usually the women end up competing over him. And I value my broship too much with Archie to even consider THAT happening.

Belle: Just what goes on in this town anyway? 

Rumpelstiltskin: This is gonna be great! I gotta put it in my sleeve and make it look like a normal hand and when people come to shake it, I’m going to let go and the hand is going to come out of my sleeve while they’re holding it and it’s going to freak people out!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on Bae! Daddy’s coming to save ya!

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh CRAP. I KNEW I got the wrong clenched hand!

Killian’s Obviously Fake Hand: Hope you have fun cleaning the blood and muscle out of your cloak for the next five laundry washings, jackass.

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m mildly annoyed! *Flips table*

Killian’s Obviously Fake Hand: Maybe I should start crawling towards him…

Killian the One Handed Pirate: Good think I had the foresight to hide the bean in the hand that I don’t use for my sword.

Killian the One Handed Pirate: Should have done this years ago!

Killian the One Handed Pirate: Still plenty miffed about my hand. Attaching a large hook doesn’t seem very sanitary but….well...I’m sure it’ll be fine.

 Killian the One Handed Pirate: Oh, stop pretending to look sad, I know you’re all planning a party tonight! You texted the invite to me as well, you big doofs!

Random Pirate: Okay captain, we finally dragged him out of the water, but you need to be careful, he drowned nine of us before we could subdue him.

Smee: *Breaks out of his restraints* I demand that you release me at once!

Killian the One Handed Pirate: Well see, I have a ship full of men that need…companionship.

Smee: ….

Killian the One Handed Pirate: HA! Got you, didn’t I? You should’ve seen the look on your face! Hey, wanna join the crew that kidnapped and threatened to kill you?

Smee: *Is shy* Can I meet one of your sisters?

Killian the One Handed Pirate: Absolutely not! I barely know you! Besides, they’re all engaged to this Bluebeard guy. Which is weird since he wants to marry them one at a time but eh…I trust him. Only the best for my little siblings.

Killian the One Handed Pirate: And since I’ve decided that you’re useful for some reason even though we caught you in the act of trying to grab the bean you were supposed to deliver…you can hang out with me!

Killian the One Handed Pirate: We’re going to go to an island where we won’t grow old. We’ll just chase the leader of the island around and drink from this river with a cave attached with a cork in the middle of it that will destroy the island if you take it out and it won’t make sense but we’ll go about it anyway and we’ll have the most polarizing finale in recent memory!

Smee: I think you’re thinking of the wrong show.

Smee: Hey! Give me my hat! Don’t MAKE me tell you again!
Harry the Hat Thief: *Is scared*
Killian the One Handed Pirate: What the heck is going on on this ship?

*Is a whirlpool*

Smee: And you created the Bermuda Triangle. Wonderful.

Killian the One Handed Pirate Hook: I’m sure using a hot glue gun to make this thing stay in place against my OPEN WRIST WOUND is totally fine.

Killian the One Handed Pirate Hook: We’re going to Neverland! Don’t ask me how I know that! I’m guessing the bean came with a note! Also….Llllllladdddiiiieeesss?

Killian the One Handed Pirate Hook: I’m sure there are plenty of chicks in Neverland!

Harry the Hat Thief: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Rumpelstiltskin: Flimsy locks for someone that’s holding a kidnaper and kidnapee.

Rumpelstiltskin: AUGH! MY BIG TOE!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiii Smee!
*Seems really reckless to have your curse making bottles that close to the prisoner you have in the basement*

Rumpelstiltskin: And how are we today? Somehow I know about your captain and the fact that you now work for him.

Smee: I’m not answering in fear that you’re being sarcastic and any wrong answer might not end well for me.

Smee: But fire a way! I’m more than happy to cooperate!

Rumpelstiltskin: You are very lucky that you caught me in a good mood.

Rumpelstiltskin: I have some questions for you and you are not leaving this cellar until they are answered. And probably not afterwards either, I haven’t decided yet. First question….

Rumpelstiltskin: Who made this hat? It’s fantastic!

Hook: *Is humming Gilligan’s Island*

Cora: *Is in love* My sweet BABOO!

Hook: Woman, how on earth do you keep finding me?
*Good to know the makeup shops didn’t close down during the Enchanted Forest Apocalypse*

Cora: *Is edging closer* Guess what I have!
Hook: *Is edging away* Don’t care!

Cora: A bunch of dirt where we treaded from that was made magical from our true love!

Hook: If I beat you with a rock, would you believe it was an accident?

Cora: Mmm, you are such a man.

Cora: *Joker flirting smile* How about a victory marriage celebration for attack on the Safe Haven? I’d have to shower though; I don’t think you’d want to put the wedding ring on my finger while my hands are still soaked in the blood of my innocent victims!

Hook: Yeah. Sounds Casablanca levels of romantic. Look, I saw a blonde on my way here and if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY rather go hang out with her.

Cora: *Bedroom eyes*

Hook: *Is exasperated* I don’t know how I can portray the fact that you creep me out. I even used different languages AND hired out a mime.

*Breathes in his cologne*

Hook: *Is definitely freaked out*

Hook: I-I can’t even…*Tries to think of something to say*

Hook: *Can’t even form sentences.*

Cora: *Is imitating the fangirls everywhere as soon as they saw him in the promo*

Hook: I’m going to find whichever world the thing called karma lives in and I’m going to punch it right in the face.

The End.

Owns Nothing.

Nothing in the world will ever convince me that what Milah and Jones had was actually true love.

Even if she had said she left Baelfire because she knew he was better off with Rumpelstiltskin, then she would’ve been slightly more sympathetic than she was portrayed in this.

The thing with the island is a reference for Lost for those that haven't seen it yet.

Also, when Rumpelstiltskin made the whole "Where's the Cream Filling?" Remark, I did NOT know that Hostess declared bankruptsy 


  1. I wonder what the world would be like if everyone acted like the abridged people...

  2. I'm fairly certain that it was Robert in all the dueling scenes. He said in an interview that won the Men's Fencing World Championship while in drama school.