Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 116

*Is it a good idea to shoot flaming arrows around a wooded area?*

Charming: I’m Batman! *Cuts it down*

Red: I could’ve caught that….

*I’m guessing King George got bored and went back*

Charming: Come with me now! I need my human shield!

Red: *Rolls eyes* No, I gotta hold them off. I’d ask you to help but let’s face it…I want it done right.

Charming: So did we introduce ourselves while we were on the run or did I know you beforehand because we seem really familiar….

Red: You don’t want to see me during my time of the month okay?

*That’s pretty much what it is*

*Rides away in terror*

Red: Being on the run is so irritating. I barely got my earrings in!

Captain Murphy: Hey, what’s with that crazy woman running over to us?

Lloyd: Oh, just ignore her, I’m sure it’s fine!

Red: BACON! Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon.

Guards: Eeeeee!

Red: IT’S BACON!

*In case you forgot this was all about Snow*

Mary: Maybe she won’t notice that I’m standing on my tiptoes.

Emma: You should smile a little more Mary, your photos are really bumming me out.

Mary: Please tell me you’re joking! It’s bad enough you’re making me wear these hideous red pants for a week but you’re really going to mock me about all this?

Emma: Hey, you know what? You brought this on yourself. Everyone always heard you yell “Die Kathryn, Die!” out the window whenever she passed our loft on the street and your fingerprints? It all points to you Mary.

Mary: You can’t possibly be impartial Emma! You just want the loft all for yourself and August don’t you?

Emma: Who’s August?

Mary:…Okay…You just want the loft all for yourself and Mr. Gold don’t you?

Emma: What on earth are you sugg-

Mary: Please don’t use my bed…

Emma: Henry being right about everything in this little fantasy world of his would happen before I let Mr. Gold and a bed be in the same room as me.

Emma: He’s wrong by the way.

Mary: Oh thank my pastel colors, my bed will still remain mine.

Emma: Don’t worry Mary, despite me having to be impartial; I’m going to help you as much as possible which automatically reveals my partiality doesn’t it? I’m your only hope!

Mary: Given your record thus far, I’m doomed.

*Hums “Someday their doom will come” to the tune of “Someday my prince will come.”*

Snow: Oh, I Love that my room is bigger than the rest of the house…did we move? This seems like a completely different setup…oh well…at least I kept Stealthy’s bed.

*I’m glad that the dwarves were nice enough to buy her a dress. That was thoughtful of them.*

Jack the Parrot: Would you like to join the army of Danvers the Dove?

Snow: Aw, the best way to pluck dinner. *Tries to smack with broom*

Snow: C’mere you!

Jack the Bluebird: Death to the humans!

Jack the Bluebird: Death to the humans!

Grumpy: Snow, we can hear you cursing out the bird in the living room. I can’t hear the screams of the Splicers I’m shooting in Bioshock over it.

Snow: Well then actually make me a door!

Jack the Bluebird: Death to the humans!

Snow: C’MERE YOU!

Grumpy: Um…you talk to birds?

Snow: *Is annoyed*

Snow: Only when they talk to me first.

Grumpy: Oh my, I hope Bashful is done sewing up the straightjackets.

Grumpy: Why don’t you come to the living room? Sneezy whipped up a bunch of his prize winning cupcakes!

Snow: *Rolls eyes* You know I can’t resist Sneezy’s cupcakes.

Sneezy: And if this fails, you hit her in the shins with the baseball bat and we’ll run out and when she chases after us then we’ll circle around the house and get back in and lock her out. And when she bangs on the door, we’ll throw her suitcase out the window.

Snow: Oh don’t mind me; I’m just here for the cupcakes.

Jiminy: Hi Snow White. Rumpelstiltskin sent me…or…actually he didn’t…he just casually mentioned taking your love during our game of checkers and I knew I Had to come here and fix it.

Snow: Dear bow on my hair, is this an intervention? Is it really? We’re going this route for exposition?

Grumpy: You asked to wear my hat and when I said that it was off limits to people with hair, you stole it and I haven’t seen it since.

Snow: Well you WOULD have found it if you looked in the fireplace two weeks ago.

Jiminy: Whoa, okay everyone. Try not to jump her at once…

*Does Jiminy sew his own clothes?*

Sneezy: You laughed at the mother’s death in Bambi and cheered at the end of Marley and Me, and yelled for Jack to sink faster in Titanic.

Sneezy: The nerve of you!

Snow: Those scenes were hilarious.

Happy: You posted horrible mean things on my twitter!

Snow: You couldn’t 7bomb people and call yourselves “Team 7” if Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves was alive! You’re reveling in his death right now!

Happy: Of course I’m happy he’s dead! He stole my mug and jumped on my bed when I slept on it and held me back from being the official awesome one in the group! The only thing I’m doing is living up to my name!

Grumpy: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that outburst didn’t come out the way it was supposed to.

*Is pouty*

Grumpy: You changed since you drank my eye medicine. We’ve all agreed that we don’t like it!

Snow: I did that to forget my boyfriend.

*Sometimes the audience wishes it could forget David/Charming*

Snow: Well, since you all don’t want me here anymore then I suppose I’ll just have to start my insane killing spree a few days early!

Snow: Which sucks because I haven’t gotten in the Gatling guns I ordered yet.

Jiminy: Yes, it’s all going according to Rumpelstiltskin’s plan!

Snow: Well, I suppose I’ll just have to improvise then….*Is happy*

Snow: Here, I’ll even put this dome on dinner for you.

Snow: Hey, any of you guys wanna help out? The evil queen is gonna be my first victim and I need someone to take the blame

*No one volunteers*

Snow: Fine then! I’ll just take this random bag!

Happy: Hey, that’s my axe!

Snow: Not anymore.

*Kicks open door*

*Door swings back and hits her in the face*

Dopey: Hooray, we have our bachelor pad back!

Emma: Hello succubus.

Regina: Yes infant?

Mary: Did she do something evil too?

Emma: No, her partiality will make sure that I stay impartial.

Mary: Well my bestie and the bane of my existence are teaming up on me…*small sad* yay.

*Bestie*

*Bane of Existence*

Emma: *Is bored* Alright Mary, you’re here because your fingerprints were on a box, containing a heart, by the river, that was obvious for us to find. Care to explain that?

Mary: My fingerprints are all over Mr. Gold’s shop too but that doesn’t mean that I break into it like everyone else in this town tries to do.

Emma: THAT’S where Henry hid my tuna fish sandwich from three weeks ago! I’ve been looking for that!

Mary: And just because I fantasize about killing Kathryn while she sleeps in no way makes me the kind of person who would go out and actually do it in such a stupid fashion! No, that’s not what I meant, I meant to say that I would never kill anyone ever because I’m the paragon of virtue and goodness.

Regina: Stupid person I’m trying to frame *Glares*

Emma: Ever notice anything this tacky before?

Mary: Pfft no!

Mary: Okay, I confess it’s my jewelry box. Don’t’ ask why I never noticed it missing up until now…then again I Never noticed that Henry took my credit cards so…

Mary: Wait a minute; are you trying to frame me AGAIN?

Mary: I mean this might not even BE my jewelry box! I’ll be this was a popular sell and everyone in Storybrooke has one male or female. It doesn’t mean that it’s my jewelry box; someone must’ve planted my fingerprints on the box too. I’m confidant that mine is hidden between my mattresses to keep Emma from stealing all my amazing jewelry!

Emma: Can you believe that this is coming out of her mouth, because I totally can.

Regina: Aw, you’re so cute when you’re manic and psycho *Takes hand*

Mary: Why do I feel my soul being drained?

Regina: No reason. *Crushes hand*

Mary: Ow!

*Is satisfied*

*Is freaked out*

Emma: Well, see you Mary. Is it a good idea to leave you alone with the evidence?

Regina: Nope, but no one seems to care.

Emma: You know, I don’t even know why you’re here. This isn’t a procedural, I don’t think unauthorized people can sit in on interrogations and lead questions and smirk so much that their face might freeze that way.

Regina: I was just showing you how it was done.

*Tries to Regina!Glare*

*Regina!Glares without even trying*

Regina: So are you going to do your job? OR are you going to claim that someone broke in to steal the box? Tell me Sheriff, has there been a break in?

Emma: Well for heaven’s sake. I don’t know. The crime scene has been contaminated now!

Mary: I wish I was friendless and alone again.

Snow: Oh here comes Ralphie…I never liked him.

*And Ralphie’s been decapitated. Marvelous.*

Ralphie: I think I fell on my keys!

Snow: Pick-axe power!

Snow: It’ll heal…by morning apparently because you’re walking when we see you again.

Ralphie: Were you hiding in the woods randomly, just HOPING someone might stop by? What kind of a plan is that?

Snow: A plan that worked obviously!

*Got owned*

Snow: So…tell me where my step mom is and I promise not to hang you upside down while the Dwarves and I play pickaxe piñata

Ralphie: Okay! Okay! I’ll tell you! She’s at the elementary school encouraging all the little kids to read and to not be a bully! I had to go AWOL because the children were just horrifying!

Snow: I have no chance against elementary school children! They’re demons in themselves! *Knocks out*

Snow: Ah, that’ll humiliate him nice and good and possibly alert the queen as to my plans.

Grumpy: Hey, I’ve been watching you for about an hour now and I figured that I might as well come and try and dissuade you from doing this alone.

Grumpy: You’re not going to dress completely like him are you? I’m just saying that it would probably never work. HE’s quite bigger than you are and I can just imagine the look on everyone’s face as you move to kill the queen and your pants fall down.

Snow: Okay, then you do it!

Grumpy: Fine! I came to help you kill the queen anyway. I mean- I came here to stop you from killing the queen by taking you back to Rumpelstiltskin!

Snow: And why would I do that? He just made fun of my taste in men and pulled my hair the last time we met!

Grumpy: Because he can do anything! Except…reviving the dead…making people fall in love…pull certain children out of realms that he’s lost…okay, so maybe it’s an overstep saying that he can do anything but it can’t hurt to try. If anything, you can see his leather pants again!

*Is inspired*

Emma: I wish this door would creak more; I’m almost certain that Regina and Mr. Gold come in here together and move my stuff around when I sleep.

Emma: *Happy sigh* I love you horribly painted door.

Emma: Well now that I’m thinking about it, I better make sure that this window is locked too. I’ll bet Regina comes in and opens the window so that Gold can get a grip with his cane and then pull himself in!

Henry: I heard the name Mr. Gold and ran all the way from school! Is he here? Are you two playing Hide and Seek like Regina and the Sheriff used to do? Try looking under the bed! That’s where he always hid when I came into the room.

Emma: Go home Henry, this is a crime scene.

Henry: I can’t go home, my mom change the locks on the house again so that I’m not in there alone setting traps for her death.

Emma: You really should stop doing that!

Emma: Well, see you Henry, I’m going to bed.
Henry: *Skips behind her* May I tuck you in?

Emma: May I start throwing these photographs at you to get you out of the house?

Henry: Bring it.

Emma: Does Mary Margaret ever wonder why the kids in her pictures always look exactly the same year after year?

Emma: Mmm. My new bed.

Henry: Yeah, that should fit my new dad and Emma enough so that they’re constantly snuggling.

Emma: WHAT?! *Scrambles off the bed.*

Emma: Okay, that’s it Henry, you’re getting shoved into the heating vent for that!

*Is shoving Henry into the vent*

Emma: Oh hey Henry, while you’re down there, can you pass me that thing wrapped in a cloth?

Emma: This mystery is going surprisingly easy. Everything just seems to conveniently fall into my lap.

Henry: Um…That knife isn’t mine!

Emma: Dangit Henry, how did you get out of the vent?

Henry: I can’t believe Emma shoved me in that vent, sometimes I Think I’m jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire by leaving Regina

August: Mmmmmmmmm

August: Maybe if I ease in here, he won’t notice when I swipe hot chocolate….

August: I tried to jump out of the bushes and say hi to your mother this morning but she didn’t notice me and drove off and I got splashed by the water that the tires kicked up and fell face first in the muddy puddle. How’s it going with you?

Henry: Emma burned Mary’s bed because of something I said and then shoved me in the heating vent three times.

August: Pfft. Still reading books like a little girl.

Henry: Yeah, I keep trying to hope that it’ll make me smart but it just makes everyone in town threaten to punch me in the face even more.

August: Oh, I know the feeling. But who would want to hurt this manly man jaw?

*Manly man jaw pose*

August: Well the good news is Henry, that I believe you. The bad news is that your mom is so thickheaded I’m going to have to FORCE myself to practically seduce her to get what I want. Oh, it’s a rough job but someone has to do it.

August: Also There’s speculation that I might be Mr. Gold’s long lost son. Now if that’s true, then that’s going to make him your step grandfather.

Henry: *Henry Glare*

August: *Is enjoying this* Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll take your letters when you’re at boarding school.

Henry: Well for that to happen, I would first have to let you get that far in your relationship, now wouldn’t I?

August: *Is Scared*

August: You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?

Henry: As a heart attack…which you might be facing if you continue to try your endeavor.

August: *Giggles*

August: Oh you weren’t kidding were you?

Charming: Well it’s a good thing that I just happened to be nearby when Snow decided she was going to kill the queen or else Rumpelstiltskin’s plan was all for naught.

Charming: A boot print! It must connect to Snow!

Charming: AH-HA! An American football fanatic! Alright buddy, raise the roof!

Charming: Uh….on second thought, never mind.

Ralphie: Seriously? You didn’t figure out that I was naked when you were just getting mooned?

Ralphie: I got attacked by your girlfriend! Dude, she totally snuck up on me! Certainly not the fairest of them all in hand to hand combat if you ask me! I’ve never seen someone so bloodthirsty!

Charming: Have you even MET Regina?

Charming: And just for that, I want my blanket back!

David: Oh! Um…my bad, I sort of got lost on my way to find Doctor Hopper and I sort of ended up in here…that’s the only way I can explain this random scene.

Regina: Sure, I’m evil and practically admitting it to you….

David: Wanna hear my bass version of my “Woman winning” song?

David: LALALA

David: Amazing, right?

Regina: Oh please, get out.

David: And then I’ll win Mary back with my dancing.

Regina: No! Anything but that!

*Dances*

Regina: No! No more! Take my kingdom! Just don't make me watch that again!

Mary: A knife was in the heating vent? I don’t even know where the heating vent in my room is?

Emma: That thing’s practically bigger than I am Mary, how could you miss it?

Mary: Okay, I might as well tell you, I was taking knife throwing lessons with Granny but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to incriminate myself!

Emma: Well I suppose I could just let it accidently fall in the dumpster since no one knows it’s there but me, that one kid I have, and whoever planted it there and by saying something they’d be incriminating themselves….

Mr. Gold: Hiiiii Emma!

Emma: Huh. I haven’t missed that at all.

Mr. Gold: It’s been so long! Did you miss me?

Mary: Why do I feel like he’s undressing me?
Emma: It’s not you Mary.

Mr. Gold: So I was hanging out at my office today trying to make all the globes spin in sync when I realized that unlike the two of you, “I” could be essential to this plot! Also because you and I could spend long nights…just you and me trying to get your friend out of a murder accusation…

Mr. Gold: Because in case you forgot, the last time we were together darling, I got away with attempted murder. Quite proud of that, I am. I think it’s my own TV Tropes crowning moment of awesome

Emma: Please just get out.

Mr. Gold: But I also happen to be a kind of lawyer and I’m the only one that doesn’t hate Mary enough to go along with what The Daily Mirror says.

Emma: That occupation just suddenly came out of nowhere.

Mary: Well he does scare the pants out of everyone in the town…and he is signed on as a regular…maybe we could bring him on just for that. We don’t want him disappearing for episodes at a time and being like Archie…

Emma: Please don’t! He’ll never leave me alone if you do this! He’ll insist on coming into our home and going over the case with me!

Mr. Gold: I also make a great shoulder to cry on should you happen to need a nice long honeymoon hug. I’m sure we can figure out some way you to pay me if I help you out Emmmaaaa
Emma: Grrr….

Mary: You can go do your job Emma. Do your best, except not really because the easiest way to get me out of this would be on a technicality!

Emma: I’m going to be in my office!

Mr. Gold: It’s been since episode 12 that I’ve gotten to hit on her and I wasn’t even meaning to that time. Oh how I’ve missed this tremendously!

Mary: Why are you helping me again?

Mr. Gold: Yeah, I’m invested in your daughter’s future at my side at the wedding altar and possible future queen…I mean- Your future! Your future! I’m invested in your future!

Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t believe the disrespect of some people! Coming to visit me at any time they deem necessary. I was barely even ready. In fact I just rolled out of bed.

Grumpy: Snow hasn’t been the same since she drank your potion! Now you better fix it now or I swear I’ll drive this pickaxe through your head so fast-

Rumpelstiltskin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean ‘she hasn’t been the same’? You only knew her for like…a night!

Rumpelstiltskin: And how many times do I have to tell you people that it’s not a good idea to trust me? I only follow through on my part of the bargain if you have to pay far more than I do and yet you trust me!

Rumpelstiltskin: When I took her memories of her boyfriend I might have HAPPENED to also take her love and leave a big hole in her heart that can’t be repaired.

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, did I leave that out of the product description?

Rumpelstiltskin: One of these days, I really need to install a back for this cupboard.

Rumpelstiltskin: The true love I always want to bottle keeps failing. But don’t worry dearies; I don’t think that’ll come back into effect by the end of this episode.

Rumpelstiltskin: Sometimes I look at Charming and wonder what on earth I was thinking when I decided to pull you two in for this long con. Some days I get insanely drunk and sit here and wonder if he’ll ever have the brains to get this completed.

Rumpelstiltskin: You should’ve just stuck to dating me.

Snow: *Is looking seductive* Oh, don’t I know it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oooooo, maybe this potion I had you drink is going to benefit me no matter what. Granted that’s not a surprise but still…this worked out better than I would’ve hoped!

Snow: I’ll only ever consider dating you again if you help me blow the queen to kingdom come.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh baby, I’m so there!

Grumpy: Um…how come you want the queen dead so badly?

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re not asking me questions that might reveal my ambiguous motives are you Grumpy? Because I may have to take off my house robe to fight you and I really don’t want to do that because this is brand new.

Rumpelstiltskin: Here, you always wanted your own bow when we were dating in college! Now granted I think you wanted the kind that went in your hair but this is…kind of the same.

Rumpelstiltskin: Just shoot it at the queen and I guarantee you that it’ll find its target.

Rumpelstiltskin: Now whether that is your stepmother or the clothes stealing Neanderthal that is your boyfriend, I still win.

Rumpelstiltskin: And while you’re out, can you get me everything from my grocery list? I’m making a cake for my 400 year birthday and I really don’t feel like teleporting to the store.

Snow: *Groans*

Rumpelstiltskin: And don’t forget the eggs. I always forget the eggs.

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re invited…as long as you leave the furry attachment back there at home.

Snow: I’ll consider it.

Rumpelstiltskin: Someone’s coming for my birthday besides Jiminy *Squees*

Grumpy: ….

Snow: Why should I trust you?

Rumpelstiltskin: Who wouldn’t trust this face?

Snow: I suppose I can deal with the idea that our children will be creepy and evil

Rumpelstiltskin: *Beams* And have a crazy awesome sense of style.

Snow: And why should you want to help me?

Rumpelstiltskin: I’m incredibly bored and either the queen’s death or Charming’s death is going to make for the best birthday present ever!

*Gah! Does Mr. Carlyle get paid extra for every creepy face he can make or something?

*ARCHIE LIVES!*

Archie: I have a patient that I have to-…I- um….okay? Come in?

David: *Lip quivers* I have to talk to you about my girlfriend issues but first the fans want to know…how did the comedy tour go?

Archie: It was a huge success. I was able to afford a new sweater. Like it? Also I have a book on its way to being published.

David: I need your help to remember what happened during my blackouts.
Archie: *Actual Dialogue* Why?
David: Uh…did you honestly just ask that? Maybe because they’re BLACKOUTS?!

Archie: There went lunch. *Shuts door*

Charming: Rumpelstiltskin! What is up with your doorbell, I’ve been standing out there all morning!

Charming: Looks like you spared no expense on the lobby.

Charming: So did you just conjure up all those pretty roses? Or do you sit outside in overalls and a little garden straw hat making them grow?

Rumpelstiltskin: My fangirls gave them to me. A petal stands for each one of them. What have YOUR fangirls done?

Rumpelstiltskin: You know I saw you coming in; I even waved at you as I was raising all my little flags out there.

Rumpelstiltskin: Is THAT what you’re wearing?

Rumpelstiltskin: Are those MY pants?!

Charming: U-Uh….no….

Rumpelstiltskin: They are! They were my favorite pair! You stole them! I was looking everywhere!

Rumpelstiltskin: Take them off right now!

Charming: Come and take them! And also tell me where Snow is! I’m just…sort of guessing that you might’ve had something to do with this.

Rumpelstiltskin: A sword huh? I will give you credit kiddo, at least you try.

Rumpelstiltskin: Is it even a good idea for you to pull a sword on the magical creature that can jump from one place to another in the blink of an eye and has the information that you want?

Charming: Uh….Uh…crap, this whole plan was horrible from the get-go.

Rumpelstiltskin: And that’s why you hardly have any fangirls. For heaven’s sakes man, you’re going to be running a kingdom someday.

Rumpelstiltskin: You know what? I can use you as a party favor. Pin the tail on the donkey is still big, right?

Charming: Wait, there’s a party? How come I wasn’t invited?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Because it’s just me and Jiminy and my Twoo wuv….We started the festivities by watching Princess Bride in case you didn’t notice.

Charming: I love that movie! I always cry at it!

Rumpelstiltskin: Me too! I Mean…..

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s not surprising for you.

*Points and giggles to make Charming feel bad*

Charming: Just…please tell me where Snow is….how is the timeline for this going anyway? I mean it looked like Snow and Grumpy traveled all night to get to you and I get here in a matter of hours…and then I catch up to her pretty quickly, I must have some speedy little legs.

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s going to cost you! *Is trying to figure out what it’s going to cost him*

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, you are on the run with no money and I don’t want those pants because you probably sweated in them and stretched them out …your cloak is going to have to do.

Charming: Um…why?

Rumpelstiltskin: It’s my birthday.

Charming: You seem really eager to get me out of my clothes, you know that?

Charming: Now please tell me that I have time in your extremely complicated scheme to find my girlfriend.

Rumpelstiltskin: She’s gonna murder the queen…

Charming: These are my groceries that I need you to pick up while I’m down there.

Charming: *Groans*

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh and you better be quick because if she becomes more evil than the woman whose life…was spent being my first wife because Snow and I are SO getting together if she’s successful in this.

Charming: She could never be THAT desperate.

Rumpelstiltskin: Ugh! Idiot!
Charming: Teehee *Runs before Rumpelstiltskin can insult him back*

Rumpelstiltskin: We’re going to get married, and have a billion children, and she’s going to be immortal, and we’re going to name them all Baelfire girls and boys, and we’re going to spend your life trolling you!

Charming: Dum dee dum dah, I’m not listening!

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmmm, finally a well-tailored cloak.

*Half the audience squicks*
*Half the audience squees*
*Very few, at least I’m hoping, do both.*

Rumpelstiltskin: Yep. Smells like loser.

Snow: Yes! The first part of my batman costume is complete!

Snow: IT’s certainly a lot bigger than the one Charming promised to give me….

Snow: I imagine it’ll be a lot more impressive too.

Charming: SNEAK HUG!

Charming: Nothing says love like groping your girlfriend from behind! I’ll always be better than Rumpelstiltskin.

*Kisses*

*Giggles*

Snow: That’s my fiancé you’re talking about!

*Is pushed down*

*Charming looks a lot like the dumb pit-bull that a family relative of mine has in this shot.*

Emma: I miss being normal…

Henry: I told Regina that fairy tales were real and she punched me right here in the sternum. Can I hang with you?

Henry: I was using that as an excuse though because I also snuck off with her skeleton keys that she SHOULD be hiding a lot better.

Emma: Go home, Henry.

Henry: Watch! I can prove they work! I suppose I could’ve figured out which key it was while I was waiting for you but I guess that wouldn’t’ have been as fun.

*Fails*

*Fails*

*3 Hours Later*

Emma: Yeah Henry, I don’t think it’s going to work….

Henry: Yeah well you pick one anonymously.

Henry: Pick this one!

Emma: The things I do in disbelief to show you you’re wrong and crush your dreams.

Emma: OMG!

Archie: And I was fine breaking up with you because I thought you’d either see the light and run back to me or because you’d get with Mr. Gold and even that was more preferable to you riding on motorcycles with tall, dark, and doofy or staying all night playing with Jefferson’s croquet stick! Even “I” know what that’s a metaphor for! We were meant for each other and now I know that no standup comedy show will ever make me happier than when I was with you!

Emma: Archie, I haven’t been home. You were talking to the turkey. Wait….how did you get into my house?

Charming: I’m really glad Rumpelstiltskin decided to tell me you had amnesia on top of everything else.

Charming: WOAH! I’m tied to a tree! What have you been doing?

Snow: How long can you be knocked out, man? I’ve been throwing water and kicking at you to wake up for hours.

Charming: Darling! It’s me! It’s Charming! We beat up internet trolls together and annoyed my daddy and your step mommy with our forbidden love!

Snow: Did your parents want you to get beat up on the playground with that silly name?

Charming: *Feels sad* You don’t…mean…that.

Snow: Yes I do!

Charming: You can’t talk to me like that! We love each other!

Snow: According to the episodes I’ve seen, we barely knew each other! We hung out for one episode and I was trying to ditch you the whole time! Saying we’re in love is a bit fast!

Charming: Wait! You can’t leave me out here, its cold outside!

Snow: Well that’s too bad; I guess you should’ve thought about bringing a cloak.

Charming: NOOOOOOOO!

Archie: David! I didn’t want you to go THAT deep into a hypnotic state! Wake up!

David: I am feeling vvveerrrryyyy sleeeeppppyyyy.

Archie: Good, now I’m just going to reach into your wallet…

David: Sh! I’m going back to the night Kathryn disappeared….I was crying into my pillow like I do every night and she called...

Archie: I better get my tape recorder so that Mr. Gold and I can laugh about this later ….

David: Wait…I see something!

Snow: Time to play Charming piñata!

David: No! No!

Snow: Playing pin the tail on the jackass seems really fitting right now!

David: NOES!
Archie: I had to wake you up. You were screaming like a girl and my windows were starting to crack.

David: Um…just for the record, how accurate is this hypnotism stuff?

Archie: Oh, it’s completely legit! The only thing more trustworthy than hypnotism is lie detectors!

*Dun dun DUN*

David: Everything I ever knew has been a lie!

Archie: Shut the door on the way out you idiot!

Charming: *Sniffles* I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places *Sniffles* *sniffles* That this heart of mine embraces *Sniffles* all day THHRROOUGGGGHHHH!

Jiminy: Booga Booga!

Charming: *Girly scream* Wait a minute; I’m pretty calm for the fact that something that would make great fish bait is talking to me.

Jiminy: Yeah well Rumpelstiltskin asked me to come down here and fix everything since you screwed it up as soon as you had the opportunity.

Jiminy: Anyway, he said to tell you that you need to remind her of who she is by sacrificing yourself in front of the arrow but I’m not sure if he meant that last part…he sort of giggled when he said that and rubbed his hands together. It’s hard to tell with him because he does that for everything he says.

Jiminy: I guess I could untie this seeing as the knot doesn’t look too complicated but biting through it seems like a better solution. Crickets can bite through rope, right?

Charming: Is this gonna take a while? My buns got frostbite an hour ago.

Jiminy: *Is annoyed* Well maybe that wouldn’t have happened if you’d been useful. I tried to get through to her and it didn’t work. But I have an excuse. I’m a bug.

Charming: Yeah, I couldn’t get through to her either.

Jiminy: Except that’s hardly surprising.

Charming: Well that’s- HEY! You were leading up to that!

Jiminy: Listen, it’s cold and it’s my best friend’s birthday week. PLEASE don’t make me come out here and fix your problem again!

Jiminy: Use your brain, that’s why it’s there.

Charming: But my mom always said mine was rusted over and full of cobwebs!

Rango the Guard: I can’t believe she’s riding out in the middle of the snow with absolutely no cover on her house or more guards on alert.

Villager: I hope she doesn’t go and start the Hunger Games on our side of town again.

Regina: Ugh, taxpayers.

Regina: Well I’m pretty sure I drained enough of their souls to last me for my time in the summer palace….in the winter…

*Is humming Mission Impossible*

Regina: Hey! Who’s that up there?

Snow: I’m so glad that I didn’t listen to daddy and took archery in college instead of Castle Economics.”

Snow: Ba-DOING!

Charming: SNOW! Oh crap!

Snow: Charming! You idiot! Why did you get in the way?

Charming: I tripped!

Snow: *Starts kicking Charming*

Charming: *Is trying to look sexy* This thing is embedded in my heart…just like my heart was pierced when I met you! Of course that might’ve also been because you hit me in the face with a rock and I fell on my own knife …

*Is looking around to make sure no one heard that*

Snow: Stop milking it Charming, I can see your Kevlar from here!

Charming: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Snow: I can see the brand name!

Charming: Hmpf!

Snow: Well, it’s been nice princess, but I have a queen I need to shiv.

Charming: *Sniffles*

Snow: Hey, does that hurt?

Charming: Only when I think…

Snow: Wouldn’t that only happen if I stomp on your little toe?

Charming: *Is ignoring her* Because I think with my heart! And you should feel in pain too! Um…because you have stolen my heart!

Snow: That’s so…sappy!

Charming: That’s my charm…ing.

Snow: Well, since you’re gonna die; I guess I can humor you.

*Is kissing*

Snow: Rumpel’s “pity kiss” clause DID break the spell!

Snow: Puppy?

Charming: Pudding puff!

Charming: Ow..ow..oww…my shoulder wound.

Murphy the Leader: Hey, it’s a good thing we just happened to choose to randomly wander in the woods today or our plan to grab Charming wouldn’t have worked out at the conveniently perfect time.

Murphy: Our cloaks are surprisingly white for guys that have been riding in the woods for days at a time.

Charming: Have no fear! I’ll fight them off!

Charming: Augh! The left inner elbow pinch, I’m helpless against that!

Charming: *Crazy eyes* Not the kennel!

Snow: Maybe I should tell them that he’s not housebroken…

Charming: SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!

Snow: Stop screaming my name you idiot, I’m a wanted felon!

Mary: The only comfort I have is that Mr. Gold had this all disinfected when he was staying here.

David: Hi Mary! Emma’s not here and the door was locked, so I used my puppy eyes and it just swung open! Henry was right! Puppy eyes are amazing!

Mary: Why didn’t you bring me some new clothes! I’m wearing the same ones for the next two episodes after this!

David: Yeah…I was walking to get them…and then I saw some graffiti on the walls and went to clean that and I forgot.

David: Also, Archie and I were hanging out and I might have remembered something…He helped me remember….even though I have no idea what that memory is so I’m coming to you. I sort of saw you during my legit hypnotism and you were wearing long hair and medieval clothes…w-were we….

David: *Shudders* Roleplaying!

David: And I was begging you not to kill ‘her.’ Can you explain why I have this memory?

Mary: Well, how the frig should I know? It’s YOUR mind!

Mary: Did you just accuse me of murdering your tramp wife?

David: What? No!

*Glare*

Charming: Yes…..

Mary: Oh you have to be kidding, why on Earth would you accuse me of such a vicious thing even though I stood by you the entire time and I was like “My man is innocent.” And Marco was like, “He’s a killer, I can’t believe I Live on the same street as a killer” and I was like, “I will murder you in your sleep if you suggest that again.” And then he was like, “Maybe you killed her.” And then I stopped and we both laughed.

Mary: *Giggles*

Mary: But I stood up for you and unsurprisingly you don’t have a spine that a centipede could stand with….

David: Hm….maybe this wasn’t a good way to come talking to you….

Mary: Oh, you think?!

*Draws breath*

David: Manly tear!

Mary: Not looking!

David: Dangit!

Snow: Who changed the locks?!

Grumpy: I’m so glad that I saved for a year for this hat. It’s much browner than my old one.

Snow: Uh….where’s MY seat?

Grumpy: We burned it. Along with all your other stuff.

Snow: Well that seems a bit extreme just because I made your life miserable a lot.

Snow: Here, I got that at a garage sale for ya.

Happy: It’s an Indie 500 eternity aspire beer mug! The last of its kind!

Snow: I know. Go me.

*Glomps*

Grumpy: *Is annoyed* You guys are so easily bought.

Snow: Well, I’m glad that you guys are all here forgive easily because now I can use all seven of you for my human shields! I mean- my army!

Grumpy: *Is really annoyed*

Grumpy: Sure, I haven’t killed anyone in MONTHS.

Grumpy: It’s time for some bloody PICKAXE PINATA.

*It’s hard to take the intense swelling music seriously when Dopey’s making that face. And I can’t even get mad because that’s just Dopey.*

Snow: Well, talking them into this and then blaming them if it blows up in my face worked out better than I thought!

Mary: I need to dry out my blanket from crying into it all night long.

Mary: Hey, what’s that?
*So…Regina just put it in there on the off chance that Mary MIGHT find it?

Mary: Nah! That would be too EASY and I might think that someone might WANT me to escape.

Mary: Le gasp! It fit! Um…Shouldn’t I suspect that this might be a trap?

*Slams*
Mary: My finger!

Emma: What was that noise? It sounded like the cell door closing.
Mary: Um….must be Graham’s ghost.

Emma: Who’s Graham?

Mary: You know something? I don’t even remember.

Emma: Well, good news…after I got Archie to sober up, we became friends again and I might consider dating him again because of that sweater…and then he told me all about David’s hypnosis and I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nose and then we agreed that Regina must be behind everything because she has keys that can get into every house.

Emma: Hello? Emma here! Coming to save your life!

*Sobs uncontrollably*

Emma: Oookay, that didn’t go like I was hoping. I was hoping that you’d jump in the air and cheer and do your little hyperactive thing that I’m certain you do on purpose to freak me out.

Mary: You forget one thing Emma. I’ve SEEN your record for success thus far!

Emma: *Lip quivers* You don’t…mean that.

Mary: I’m pretty certain I do…

Emma: *Knows what she must do* Well fine! I meant it when I said I’d do anything to save you….I’m gonna hate this, I’m gonna hate this…if Mr. Gold shows up at my door at three in the morning asking to go over the case then I’m changing friends Mary. I hope you know that.

Emma: Go besties!

Mary: You have to make me believe it!

Emma: Ugh! Goodbye Mary!

Mr. Gold: Hiiiiii Emma! *Checks out in reflection of genie lamp*

Emma: It’s like you smell me….

Mr. Gold: Smells like true love to me.

Emma: Smells like manure to me.

Mr. Gold: Oh my, how I’ve missed this ‘us being sassy’ to each other routine. Is it fun playing hard to get?

Emma: I don’t know, is it fun playing “easy to punch?”

Mr. Gold: Aw, you’re lucky you caught me in a good mood darling. Congratulations are in order! I got married to myself! Although I don’t see it lasting. I’d easily leave myself the moment you finally just stop fighting and give in...I mean the moment you accept my alliance proposition.

Emma: No, somehow I think your marriage is written in the heavens.

Emma: I need your help to protect Mary Margaret because you’re the only one in the town who has any knowledge about how to get things done. I approve of your results.

Mr. Gold: Kinda thought you would. *Is Smug*

Emma: EWWWWW!

Mr. Gold: And you would do anything sweet little ol' me asked?

Emma: Can this count as my favor too?

Mr. Gold: Oh no darling, I’m saving that for something else…like when I come home one night and I’ve had a busy day…and I need a nice warm meal and some comfort.

Emma: Wait, what are you suggesting?

Mr. Gold: I’m not suggesting anything Emma.

Mr. Gold” *Hums marriage theme.*

Emma: Okay! I’ll-

Emma: I’ll-

Emma: Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth, I’ll marry you.

Mr. Gold: Someone’s gonna be in my house besides Archie *squees*

Emma: You realize that I’m disgusted by your antics and will probably never love you, right?

Mr. Gold: A very wise abridged alternate persona once said that ‘You don’t need love for marriage’.

Mr. Gold: How does the season finale for the wedding date sound?

Emma: Well…at least you’re rich and Henry will be thrilled. …

Mr. Gold: August is gonna be so pissed.*Is excited*

*This must be like how an ant sees Rumpelstiltskin on a hot summer’s day on a sidewalk*
Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t believe they stood me up for my birthday. Even Jiminy didn’t come back from rescuing Charming…but that might’ve been because someone stepped on him. I think I might want to go check on him….