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Saturday, February 16, 2013

208 - Into the Deep



Hook: Ow, my back…I can’t believe I bounced off the beanstalk eleven times on the way down!

Cora: My sweet baboo! You’ve returned to me!

Cora: Now take off my glove with your teeth all sexy like so I can caress your face.
Hook: If I don’t look at you, will you go away?

Cora: *Is jealous* I heard you were letting Emma climb your beanstalk when you promised that you would only let me do that. You stole my sort of married cuffs too.

Hook: Oh well…you know…I have…needs…

Cora: And to think you don’t believe I can fulfill them.

Hook: *Doesn’t want to imagine Cora fulfilling the needs he wants Emma and any other woman alive BUT Cora to fulfill*

Cora: Now, let’s go. We have our annual Rainy Night Picnic to get to and you know what natural light of any kind does to my skin.

Cora: *Breathes in the scent of his manly cologne*

Hook: See, this is why I go beanstalk climbing with other women; you freak me out more than usual.

Hook: Do you think it’s easy? Having to deal with you and your creepy stories about how you 
mutilate people and boring me with parental advice?

Cora: First of all, I’m COMPLETELY NORMAL! Second, do you know how much of a pain it is being with YOU?! We go through eye shadow like CRAZY every week! And we buy in bulk!

Hook: Well you always take the top bunk!

Cora: And you take the extra cookie when you think I’m not looking!

Hook: You know about that?!

Cora: Of course I know about that, so stop blaming it on Henry’s ghost!

Hook: Well- I – Uh….

Hook: *Is trying to breathe in her perfume without gagging*

Hook: For all our flaws, we still put up with each other….like a real couple…

Cora: My sweet BABOO!

Hook: Ugh…I’m going to have to follow through on this seduction attempt, aren’t I?

Cora: What?!

Cora: The inner part of inner monologue means you don’t say it out loud!

Hook: Well we can discuss it on more verbal terms now….is that okay with you?

Cora: *Sniffles*
Hook: Oh, knock it off. I know you’re faking.

Cora: Well maybe I’ll just go get the compass by my lonesome!

Hook: FINE! Maybe after running me ragged for several episodes and then having to hang out with the Giant for Ten Hours while he watched LOST marathons and talked about the good old days…I can go to sleep.

Hook: *Goes to sleep*

Hook: Oowwwwww!

Cora: My man candy thinks he can do it without me, well I’ll just show him. The only reason I deal with him is because he’s pretty! I can get anyone I want on my side *Sniffles* and he’ll be so jealous…


Cora: FRIG! Hook didn’t change the batteries!

Cora: Work or I’ll kiss you!

Cora: Oh great, now all the other children want attention too…I should really do something about getting these drawers fixed, I’m tired of all of them falling out when I come in and sigh at Hook’s majesty or in exasperation at his ability to keep saying no to my seduction. Rumpelstiltskin never had THIS problem with women.

Cora: Thinking about getting an escalator put in….maybe later though…EVERYONE WAKE UP! 

Zombies: Braaiinnnnssss……

Cora: And they’re still more intelligent than Regina’s boyfriend whats-his-name.

Cora: Oh, I hope they don’t hurt my babboo….

Emma: Is this him? And don’t let that little innocent look fool you….

Aurora: If you can imagine him cackling and rubbing his hands together, he looks totally different.

Emma: It’s HIM!
Snow: Our little evil one saves the day again.

Snow: Huh. So that room with the fire and no doors IS real and is linked to all of us in the sleeping curse. Good, I didn’t want to think that I was linked to Aurora in any way.

Aurora: You never thought to bring this up? Woman, I’ve been in a fetal position since I’ve been having these nightmares and you didn’t think to tell me that you had them too and they fade eventually would’ve made me feel better?!

Snow: Oh stop it Aurora, you know how I feel about us bonding.

Emma: You know Momgret, we could’ve gotten home a lot sooner if you decided to let us all know that this room might be real. Surely some bonding could’ve been sacrificed.

Aurora: Yeah!

Snow: Oh be quiet, Aurora. WE wouldn’t be having this conversation of you weren’t so against nightmares. 

Aurora: What’d you say to me?

Emma: Hey! That’s enough! Mary Momgret, Aurora’s useful now, so that means you have to be good and actually treat her like a human being!

Snow: AWWWW!

Emma: And Aurora… you’re going back to sleep.

Aurora: Um…what part of terrifying recurring nightmare DIDN”T you get?

Mulan: Sometimes I just want to throw my sword out on the ground and watch them fall over it and stab themselves that way “I” can go on this quest alone and more than likely be successfully.

Snow: Ow Mulan, that hurt like a stab to the gut.

Emma: *Is exasperated at her mother being ‘cool’*

Emma: Sleep now.

Aurora: But I can’t! I’m too excited!

Aurora: I can’t believe Snow White punched me out!

Henry: I’ve been waiting for you. Heh. Heh. Heh. Time to make a deal.

Aurora: I won’t be fooled into that! I know your mom!

Henry: Eh, big deal, she can’t punish me when I’m a world apart!

Aurora: And she told me to tell you that if you don’t straighten up and act right then she won't back come to this world and you’ll have to deal with Belle as your stepmom!

Henry: *Is horrified* But my murder plans are already in place so that she can just swoop in and they can pick up where they left off!


Charming: Which one? The nightmare or Regina being at your bedside?! Why is she still here, anyway?

Henry: We could kill her!

Regina: I’m right here, Henry!

Henry: *Glares*

Henry: Mom and Grandma are alive. Mr. Gold is gonna be SO THRILLED! And they’re trying to get back because Emma’s enthusiastic about marrying him!
Charming: I have a feeling that that’s not completely accurate….

Henry: Which happens to be your mom by the way. Way to ruin everything AGAIN, Regina.

Granny: I hate Red and Jefferson ‘catching up’ and leaving me here to take care of her job for her. 

Granny: Here ya go, Rump. *Tosses down*

Rumpel: What am I supposed to do with this thing?

Granny: Sorry, the stove broke just as we were making yours. You did order it rare and bleeding, right? You know…like your ego when I turned you down?

Rumpelstiltskin: Laugh it up Granny, but whose been going to bed alone for half a century now? Not me!


Granny: Aw, so you’re dating other women to make me jealous, are you?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh Granny, the love we share together will NEVER be replaced.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Actual Dialogue* I have a complicated relationship with her….as I do most people *Not actual dialogue* And by ‘people’, I mean women.  
Author: I KNEW IT!

Belle: *Is not amused* What do you mean by ‘complicated’

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh there was going to dating, seduction…lots of nudity…

Rumpelstiltskin: And ketchup was DEFINITELY going to be involved.

Belle: *Is almost seduced* Oh….my!

Regina: Don’t mind me, everyone whose life I ruined, I’m just here to move the plot along.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh thank God, I don’t have to eat this now!

Granny: Hey everyone, I just had a funny idea! Group hug! Don’t ask why.

Regina: Ew. Physical loving contact. No.

Granny: Villians. Always missing out.

Rumpelstiltskin: Darn it Regina, you just made me miss out on hugging all the women I wish to or hope to date all at one time in this room!

Belle: Can’t we have lunch in peace?

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is considering shoving the ketchup nozzle in Regina’s nose and squeezing.* Go away Regina. I was happily minding my own business.

Regina: Stupid ‘own business! *Glares*

Rumpelstiltskin: Belle and I were going to go singing about little towns after this. It’s going to be fun!

Regina: I’m not sure Emma would approve.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh. Right. Her.

Regina: I’m not sure which one I’m more worried about coming here. Emma or my mom.

Rumpelstiltskin: I thought you told me that you saw the body…not sure when that conversation happened though since there’s a good chance that I was locked up by then…for heaven’s sake, Regina. Can’t you even take someone’s pulse right?

Belle: I can’t believe this woman locked me up.

Regina: Oh! And she’ll be pissed and she’ll come after Belle.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well geez, add her to the list. Anyway, it’s not my concern. Cora’s never showed an ounce of care for me over here one way or another. Don’t come crying to me because you didn’t hire a trustworthy assassin. Oh wait, you did when you hired the Huntsman and look how that turned out. Your benefits must SUCK.

Regina: I DID hire someone trustworthy! I hired a pirate!

Rumpelstiltskin: Ooo, a pirate? Well they certainly don’t break their word when a better deal comes along, do they?

Belle: My lunch date is ruined!

Rumpelstiltskin: Cheer up Belle! Maybe we’ll visit you again when there’s a centric episode about you or something. Meanwhile, I have a beloved fiancé to save.

Belle: *Cries*

Rumpelstiltskin: *Feels bad*

Regina: Aw, look at her reacting to you like most women should.

Snow: Emma, it’s MY turn to play follow the leader now, you’ve been hogging it for the past 30 minutes.

Emma: That’s because I get us somewhere without crying, wanting to fight something, or wanting to run over talk to all the woodland creatures.

Emma: And why am I carrying all the supplies?
Snow: You JUST noticed that we were making you do that?
Aurora: Hey guys, is it just me or does that group of trees look like the same ones that I carved Hook + Aurora = <3 o:p="o:p" on="on" s="s">

Emma: AWWW! We’ve been going in circles.

Aurora: Fine plan, Emma! Maybe next time we’ll be led by someone who KNOWS the Enchanted Forest.

Mulan: ….

Mulan: BOO!
Aurora: AHHH! What?

Mulan: Nothing. I just wanted to pick on you in case you…disappeared or something.

*Is being creepy*

Aurora: And now I have poison ivy.

Aurora: The campout is going great!
Mulan: I can’t believe I TOUCHED you!

Mulan: Hey….wanna put some Nair in Snow White and Emma’s shampoo?

Aurora: What are you, nuts? I use that shampoo too!

Mulan: Well so do I, even though it’s reserved for princesses and I’m not a princess but luckily my hair doesn’t turn green like it says on the container so I guess I count for some reason. But I imagine I can find us another bottle.

Aurora: Oh. Okay, then I’m all for it.

Mulan: Sweet.

Henry: So exactly how am I supposed to sleep with all of you watching me?

Regina: Shut up Henry, if I can do it while Sidney watched me, then this should be a breeze.

Henry: This is nice but um…I have a blanket UNDER me.
Regina: Oh stop it, Henry. It’s in Mr. Gold’s shop and we do NOT want to know who these sheets have been wrapped around.
*Can I say that I want that lamp? Because I most certainly do*

Henry: I want my dad to tuck me in!

Rumpelstiltskin: See? This is what happens when you wear awesome suits and succeed in what you want to do in life. You become a role model.
Charming: You’ve murdered countless people.
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up Charming, YOU’RE not the role model.

Charming: Grandson, you must think about this! Him tucking you in? He’s not…don’t you want me to tuck you in? I could tell you a bedtime story about how I always find your grandmother!

Henry: Nope. Want my dad.

Charming: That age, I guess.

Rumpelstiltskin: You are in my way.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Does some squats and voice exercises*

Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry Henry, it’s been awhile since I told bedtime stories.
Henry: Why are you looking at me like that?
Charming: Heroic pose!

Rumpelstiltskin: Once upon a time there was this magically sexy better-than-everyone imp that no one understood and they tricked the poor sweet misunderstood imp and put him in a cell to rot because SOMEONE…not saying who (Cinderella) couldn’t read a contract. And so the poor sweet-
Regina: *Is exasperated*   
Charming: You were a manipulative jerk who played puppet master, Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up, Charming! YOU’RE not telling the story!
Henry: I know this one already! You planned it all out because you practically told Cinderella that you knew what was going on and she fell for it anyway. I want another story! Tell a murder mystery one!  And how about you turn this lamp off? And everyone stop staring at me!

Rumpelstiltskin: Henry, if you want to be as awesome as I am someday then you’re going to have to deal with being watched while you sleep. Fan girls everywhere had their eye on me at every point in my Dark One Life. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Belle and I-

Henry: Zzzzzz
Rumpelstiltskin: Aw! That one always puts them to sleep. Nighty night, son.

Rumpelstiltskin: I know your grandfather’s ill-suited to help you deal with fan girl problems considering he doesn’t have any.

Charming: HEY!

Rumpelstiltskin: Also tell my beloved fiancé that I miss her a lot and there’s some squid ink that you have to get ahold of to kill Cora and I’m one of the few that have it.

Henry: Wait, how does that work exactly?

Rumpelstiltskin: Go to sleep Henry! Don’t ask questions, there’s an instruction manual in my old cell too.

Rumpelstiltskin: At least I hope….

Rumpelstiltskin: Might’ve used it for food one day….

Regina: I can’t tell if I should be creeped out or feeling fuzzy inside.

Charming: I do SO have fan girls!

Rumpelstiltskin: Now I’m just going to stare at you for a while, like I do with all the first born children that I grab. Hope that’s okay.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, he’s out.

Aurora: Zzzz Let them eat cake! Zzzzz Dominate the world? Why would anyone want that? Zzzzz Why are you giggling?

Mulan: Certainly glad Henry and Aurora decided to set their watches.

Emma: Can we draw stuff on her face, yet?
Mulan: No
Snow: How about now?
Mulan: No.
 Emma: How about now?

Emma: Ugh, this is boring. Wake me up when Hook gets back.

Snow: Hold my hand Emma; we can repel any evil forces with our bestie magic!

Emma: We couldn’t do this before?

Snow: It’s been 28 years since I was Snow White. I had to recharge.

*Are using the power of friendship*

Mulan: *Is being the actual cause of keeping the villains at bay. *

Aurora: I can’t believe they all forced me to run in circles until I passed out from exhaustion!

Henry: Hey! You’re being used as a pawn too despite any psychological repercussions too, hm?

Aurora: I thought you could control the fire!
Henry: I can. I just decided that I love the flames.

Aurora: Emma wants to know if she’s still engaged!
Henry: Well technically yes, but Mr. Gold says that she doesn’t have to be if it means she comes back home so that he could flirt with her all over again and he can seduce her faster now that she knows who he is!

Aurora: Snow wants to know if Charming’s found another woman while she was away!

Henry: Eh, the Lasagna Seductress, but I’m not sure she counts.

Henry: Oh! Hey! You should know that my stepdad told me to tell you to tell Emma and Snow that the key to murdering Cora is hidden in his –

*Is gone*

Henry: AW! I hate it when they conveniently disappear on me before I can imagine killing them!

Aurora: What?! Can’t you see that I’m sleeping?!

Mulan: We walked into the Zombie Stereotype realm!

Emma: I’m so lucky to have found a chainsaw over by the wayside!

Aurora” *raises hand* Um…can I have a sword!?

Mary:  *Is in full Mary Margaret mode and is imagining Kathryn* DIE THIRD WHEEL!

Emma: Hey! Give that back!


Mary: I got one! *Does goofy wavy arms dance*

Emma: *Is embarrassed for her mother.*

Mary: What? That dance move was big back in my day!

Mulan: *Is chasing around the tree* Come here, Aurora! You’re gonna be bait!
Aurora: Not again! Leave me alone!

Mulan: *Trips* Cursed shoe laces!


Aurora: What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

Mulan: Well, the 12 times I bashed his head in won’t have any damaging lasting effects.

Mulan: REALLY?! Those things didn’t even MOVE that fast!

*Are skipping*
Emma: WHOO! Freedom!
Mary: Finally, we never have to deal with them again!
Emma: This calls for a Chimera picnic!
Mary: Oh, I love Chimera and now we’ll get more because they’re gone!

Emma: Oh crap!

Mulan: I can’t turn my back for 4 seconds! *Sniffles* 


Mulan: I lost the girl that my sort of not Shang boyfriend loves instead of me! I NO LONGER HAVE A REASON TO LIVE!

Snow: *Is normal again* What happened, bestie?
Emma: Plot convenience.

Henry: Hey guys, um…little too close.

Charming: What are you talking about? We’re watching you sleep from a reasonable distance!

Rumpelstiltskin: Did you tell my beloved fiancé that I love her….in tight jeans?

Henry: I’m not even sure the other girl heard the message. She got ripped out before I could get three words in.

Henry: OW! Did you guys let Regina give me Indian burns again?

Regina: Oh GROSS!
Charming: Yet another side effect of your carelessness Regina, I’m just saying.

*Is crying on the inside for his son*

Henry: It’s just a flesh wound!

Aurora: I HATE the new front lawn decorations.

Cora: Here’s some…bread and some sort of stew…I made it myself…which means that I told Hook to make it and then it was decent so I took credit for it. He’s a remarkably fast cooker. But when I complimented him, he said, ‘I’m not remarkably fast at EVERTYTHING you know. But then he remembered that it was me and he shut up. Oh my sweet baboo…so shy.

Aurora: Is THAT what the room service is wearing these days? So tacky.

Cora: Is that what princess on campouts are wearing these days? So pretentious. How do you breathe in that thing?

Aurora: Some of us don’t need to breathe.

Cora: *Is creeped out* Well I suppose suspended animation will do that for ya. Luckily I never needed to put myself through that to teach MYSELF not to breathe.

Aurora: IT was awful nice of your zombies to make me a litter and carry me all the way here while singing the Pina Colada song. I WILL give you points for style.

Cora: Truly?

Aurora: NO! I hate that song! Snow White and Emma sang it constantly!

Cora: You think that’s bad? Wait till you hear Hook’s drunken version of “Sexy and I know it” while doing the Gangham style dance.

Aurora: But I Heard that was impossible to do!

Cora: Oh, Hook’s body is capable of doing things that most humans would deem impossible to do.
Cora: At least that’s what he says. I’m not sure; he hasn’t done any of it with me yet.

Aurora: Well heck, I’m not volunteering to find out. Have you seen that face? He’s not Philip, I’d never kiss him!

Cora: You’d be missing out.

Aurora: I’ll wait for the more interesting screen characters with less screen time. Thinking about Archie. No one’s paired me with him yet, right? Or is he one of those that is paired with anything that moves?

Cora: Ooo, who’s this Archie? I think I might go seek him out the moment we get home.

Aurora: You wouldn’t DARE!

Aurora: Oh, try me.


Cora: I just had this cleaned! You wanna know how hard that was to make my zombies do that?

Aurora: You go after my man then I will END YOU.

Aurora: *Tries to ran away but trips and falls into the wall*

Cora: Oh. Well. That was awkward.

Cora: Oh Raphey the Raven, I’m sorry you had to watch that.

Emma: Stop dragging your feet Mary Momgret, we gotta make tracks before more zombies show up. I’m not entirely sure how we lost them the last time.

Snow: NO ONE MOVE! This thing is talking to me!

Emma: Uh….you talk to birds? How come we can’t just use your animal influence to spy on Cora?
Snow: I’m fluent in ALL animal languages! It was taught at the castle!
Emma: *Is EXTREMELY glad she missed out on her princess childhood*  

Snow: So…Cora has Aurora and is holding her hostage and she set a time where we’re supposed to negotiate a trade now that Aurora’s plot convenient…also I’m sort of sad that neither one of you shot that thing down…we could’ve eaten for a couple of days on that.

Emma: Eh, let’s keep moving.

Mulan: But Aurora’s our friend!

Snow: I never friended her!
Emma: And this compass doesn’t talk back or get kidnapped…as much!

Mulan: I made a promise to Philip to protect her!

Emma: And may we compliment on what a fine job you’re doing?!

Mulan: You had it long enough! It’s my turn for a while!
Emma: No! Mine!
Mulan: Mine!
Emma: Mine!

Snow: I have had just about enough of the both of you! I WILL turn this rescue mission around!
Emma: Don’t make me SCOWL at you!

Snow: You know, you better be nice to both of us! WE know Rumpelstiltskin.

Mulan: Well fine! If you’re such great friends, why don’t YOU go under and have a nice little chat with him then?!

Snow: Maybe I will!

Mulan: Fine!

Snow: Fine!

Emma: So…shouldn’t we be worried about that giant bird that was watching us and Cora might be watching us too?

Snow: Well…here I go!
Emma: No Mary Momgret! You can’t do her in now! She’s the only one that knows where she’s going!

Charming: I should probably worry about the fact that the two people that shouldn’t be near my 11 year old grandson are currently sitting closer than I am.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is healing*

Regina: You couldn’t have done that twenty minutes ago?

Henry: So…do you deal in mental and emotional scars as well?

Rumpelstiltskin: Unfortunately only love from your beloved stepfather and his smoking hot wife to be that also happens to be your biological mother can heal that.

*Rolls eyes*

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t think I LIKED that, young man!
Charming: Young man?! One Day I’m going to be your father in law!

Rumpelstiltskin: Not if we can’t get my beloved fiancé home! Oh and Snow too.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well Henry, time to go back under and make sure you…I don’t know…write it down or something. You know there’s a fire extinguisher under the far table.
Henry: I like the fire!

Regina: We can’t send him in there again! Even though he’s going to go back anyway and the only reason he got burned again is because someone over there mucked up!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is being devious* You know Regina…you could go under the sleeping curse!
Regina: I wouldn’t wake up!
Rumpelstiltskin: So? You want to protect Henry from that room, don’t you? Go in his place! That way I can run the town, my beloved fiancé is safe, Henry’s with a mother that didn’t make him think he was crazy and who bullies the entire town and Emma, Snow, and Charming get their happily ever after! We all win!
Regina: Except me!
Rumpelstiltskin: Most of us win!
Regina: You know that I’d never even think of something like that! You know how I talk about changing and sacrificing without it actually being anything that I do!

Charming: Oh! I could take the sleeping curse!

Charming: Sorry Lasagna Seductress! I’m stealing your thunder!

Regina: Wait, you WANT to do it now? Give me the curse! Give me the curse!

*Are bickering*
Rumpelstiltskin: This is hysterical.

Charming: And then I’ll kiss Snow and the curse will be broken and I’ll be waiting for her when she gets home and the plan is FLAWLESS!

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is suppressing inappropriate laughter* Yeah, okay, let’s count the countless ways this could go wrong. The first of which is that YOU are going in there.

Charming: *Actual dialogue* I’ve spent far too much time looking for my wife. It is time to bring her home.

 Charming: *Not actual dialogue* Oh and Emma too.

Hook: Hey, are you awake or what?

Hook: I’m serious. You’re like the hardest sleeper I’ve ever seen.

Hook: Okay, I’m going in for a kiss….I’m just warning you so that you don’t mace me like Emma did when I did it to her…

Aurora: WHAT ARE YOU?! *Maces*

Hook: That hurt! What’s wrong with you?!

Aurora: Where’s my guard?! If you can get in this easily and Cora didn’t see you, then what’s stopping Emma from just walking right in here and getting me out?

Hook: *Is insulted* You know what? Just go, I guarantee you that no one is going to stop you.

Aurora: Wait, I don’t feel anything for you! I think I might suspect a trap! How are you helping me?

Hook: Because I’m tired of waking up with my face cringing like this because I’m worried about finding Cora standing over me and smiling.

Aurora: *Wonders what sort of relationship that she stumbled on between these two*

Hook: Also tell Emma that um…I’m trying to change and….she was wrong! There’s nothing I Hate more than being double crossed like Cora did to me and so the first thing I’m going to do is double cross Emma. Erm…I mean…NOT double cross Emma. I have no idea where that just came from!

Aurora: Or you could just…come with me and tell her yourself! I’m going to need protection in case Cora finds me!

Hook: Where are you getting this bull hockey from, child? I swear, no wonder they keep trying to sacrifice you for the greater good.

Aurora: *Runs off crying*

Hook: I wonder if Honey Boo Boo is on yet.


Mulan: And I’d like to point out that all of you were completely HORRIBLE to Aurora just because she’s innocent and not made for this storyline AT ALL.

Snow: SHHH! While she’s ranting at us, let’s wait here and see how long it takes her to notice.
Emma: Oh good; I hate it when Mulan doesn’t let us have fun.

Emma: So…I’ve been thinking….this is all Waldo’s fault. I mean he totally has the worst aim ever. Why didn’t we just suck him up with a vacuum cleaner that I touched while feeling magical? This could’ve solved everything!

Snow: *Is exasperated*

Snow: You’re new to this whole blaming thing, aren’t you? It’s clearly Kathryn’s fault. If she hadn’t been involved then we wouldn’t have had the affair and then no one would’ve gotten kidnapped and I would never have been framed and you would’ve never been desperate enough to kidnap Henry and then come back and been desperate enough with Regina to eat her GOPOPAT and Henry would’ve never eaten it and you would’ve never broken the curse and Rumpelstiltskin PROBABLY wouldn’t have seen Belle because Jefferson wouldn’t get into the hospital while there was a distraction to let her out and so Regina would’ve never been marked and we would’ve never gotten pulled into the hat.

Emma: …

Snow: I just said that all in one breath, didn’t I?

Emma: How did you do that?

Snow: Pure raw talent!

Snow: What? You don’t expect us to blame ourselves over this, do you? Because that’s just silly!

Emma: You got a point there.

Snow: Well…let’s head home! First thing I’m doing is gorging on anything caffeine in sight.

Snow: Well?! Aren’t you coming?

Emma: *Is horrified* I just remembered what you were like on caffeine!

Regina: I’m gonna get this last bone in Operation if it’s the last thing I do!

Henry: BUZZ!
Regina: Dangit Henry, you made me lose!

Henry: So, my stepdad came in here to tell you that because you held off on using magic for a week or so…that somehow means your changing and we should all forgive everything you’ve done and I should complement you….actually he was laughing when he said it, so he might’ve been sarcastic.

Regina: *Fumes* I HATE Rumpelstiltskin. I wish I hadn’t used his feelings for Belle to bring him in on this in the first place!

Henry: Careful Regina, that’s my beloved stepfather you’re talking about.

Regina: He is NOT. Rumpelstiltskin and Emma never married!

Henry: Well whose fault was that that the ceremony couldn’t take place? Not saying any names here…

Regina: I want to chhhaannnngeeee. I haven’t used magic since Daniel! And that one day when I had to get out of that traffic ticket…and now…and ...hm…I should rethink this argument.

Regina: Stupid Henry *Glares* Just accept that everything before was just a giant misunderstanding and forgive me already!

Henry: Only if I can go live with Rumpelstiltskin once Charming doesn’t wake up.

Regina: Come on! He’ll wake up! If there’s one thing I know about your grandparents after trying to brutally kill them for years on end, it’s just that they always find each other.
Henry: Yeah right, look I know how this is going to go and I’m eleven.

Regina: You know…all I could probably do is put this in the fridge and label “don’t drink” and Charming probably would.

Henry: What are you? Nuts? I actually like my granddad! He’s so easy to manipulate!

Snow: So that’s it, huh? The ONE poppy that just happens to be left?

Mulan: Convenient little world, isn’t it?

Snow: *Is mellowing out* Oohh yeaaahhhhh.
Emma: I’m not sure I want Mary Momgret doing drugs…

Rumpelstiltskin: I hope you’re happy, Charming. This is my favorite spindle that I’m using!

Regina: Yeah, we know. You yell it when you throw it at me all the time.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, and while you’re there, tell Aurora to tell Emma that I broke up with Belle and her spot in my heart is totally vacant now in case Emma wants to retake that spot.

Charming: I don’t think I want to.

Rumpelstiltskin: Either you promise to relay the message, or I’ll give you the gross rusty spindle instead.

Rumpelstiltskin: Heh. Sharp.

Charming: That’s….kinda big. Wouldn’t a small syringe suffice?

Rumpelstiltskin: Here Regina, I just remembered that you need to have some purpose in being here so…try not to drop it okay?

Regina: Hey! Don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to give me the pointy end!
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know what you’re talking about, you drama queen. *Is checking nails casually*

Charming: Yeah that’s…really…REALLY big…can I have a moment to rethink this?
Rumpelstiltskin: No! The sooner you’re down, the sooner I can run this place!

Regina: Don’t ask why we can’t just poke you with it.

Charming: Why can’t- Oh. You told me not to.

Henry: I’ll hold him in place in case he resists!
Charming: *Is oblivious* D’aww Henry! I care about you too!

Henry: Sure….care….

Charming: *takes a few breaths* Okay. Henry’s faith in me has inspired me.

Henry: Here. Have this humiliating piece of jewelry and thank you so much for providing me with an excuse not to wear it anymore in a way that doesn’t hurt my step daddy’s feelings.

Charming: I shall guard this necklace with my life!


*Is obliviously happy*


Rumpelstiltskin: Twenty bucks says breaking that necklace the first thing he does.


Regina: Double or nothing says he does it in the first ten minutes.


Mulan: And then you take the poppy and cut it ever so gently in hopes that a strong wind doesn’t suddenly pick up and result in all of us being EXTREMELY screwed.


Emma: We’re not an audience and this isn’t a cooking show. Now hurry up, I keep forgetting this is a compass and not a watch and I keep looking at it to see how long you’re taking!

Snow: And I’m wearing my jammies. Hurry up!

Mulan: You can’t rush ART!

Snow: Wanna tuck me in, Emma?
Emma: Not really.
Snow: *Feels bad*

Emma: I WILL hold your hand though.
Snow: Silly Emma, I would have to take it out of the shawl then and I’m warm.

Mulan: Well, once again, I’m stuck doing all the work while you two yammer on about family and love and stuff…not that I’m COMPLAINING!

Snow: *Gets it blown in her face* URGH! Mulan’s breath!

Emma: I should feel bad about contemplating leaving her here if the zombies show back up…

Charming: Welcome back to “My Face! Extreme Close-up Edition!”

Regina: Soon Henry will be mine!
Henry: We can all hear you, Regina.

Charming: So…why do you need to wind up the wheel again?

Rumpelstiltskin: Stop asking stupid questions, Charming. Or I swear that I’ll just smash my fist against the spindle so that it shoots out and embeds in your shoulder!

Charming: That sounds like it’d hurt!

Rumpelstiltskin: You SAID you wanted a faster simpler way! You people. Can’t be pleased.

Charming: So…what do I do when I get in?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well how should I know? I’ve never taken a sleeping curse!

Rumpelstiltskin: Here’s a word of advice that should apply to you for the rest of your life….if it SEEMS like a good idea…chances are you should probably do the opposite. Take that advice and I imagine you’ll do FINE.

Charming: Okay, okay…you can do this Charming, you can do this…

Charming: But it looks really sharp!

Rumpelstiltskin: JUST DO IT!

Charming: Ooowwwww!

Charming: BLOOD! *Faints*

Regina: Charming’s bloodstream works fast.
Henry: Hello living with my stepdad!

Charming: I had a dream just like this once…except Rumpelstiltskin was in it and he kept pushing me down….and if I can control things in the dream state with my necklace, why can’t I just automatically zoom to the room I Need to be in?


Charming: Snow never let me near an open fire….but since she’s not here to tell me ‘no’….


Charming: Oh…hey…hey you…Oh, I Love this dream….how is this supposed to be my biggest regret again? Oh wait, it was the Lasagna Seductress that said that and honestly, what does she know?


Charming: I could stand like this forever!
Rumpelstiltskin: Stop looking at yourself and go find Aurora!


Charming: Stop talking to me while I’m sleeping, Rumpel! You know that I can’t answer! 
Rumpelstiltskin: Whatever sass you just laid out in there, I’m sure it was insulting. I’m tattooing embarrassing things on your body now!


Charming: *Is reluctant* Heigh ho, heigh ho, to save my Snow I go.


Charming: Whoa, that fire’s hypnotizing


Snow: Oh…this was what I was afraid of for all these years? LAME!


Snow: HENRY! Get your butt out here now!


*The fire does not approve*


Snow: Oh, it is ON room of fire, you’ll learn that you don’t singe MY eyebrows and get away with it!


Charming: Oh…and there’s me again…I don’t know how I end up in this room. *Faux sigh* It’s this curse, let me tell you.


Snow: Henry! This isn’t funny! I’m starting to get REALLY irritated.
Charming: A familiar voice!


Snow: And you wouldn’t like me when I’m irritated!
Charming: For once it’s not in my head! Okay, maybe it is but…


Charming: *Is creeped out* So does that mean that people are watching me from the shadows? Slenderman? Is that you?


Charming: What the-?


Charming: *Gasp* My necklace was made from Bilbo’s sword!


Charming: Friggin’ Cool! I’m going straight to the internet when I get back home!


Charming: Guide me little nightlight!


Charming: Ugh, why is the floor so warm? This is the third pair of shoes I melted and I don’t have enough time saved up to make yet another visit to the ‘Sleeping Curse Shoe Store’.


Charming: Which means that this floor is insulting me? I should fight it!


Charming: Hm…maybe I should put the necklace on now-


Charming: AHHHHHHHH!


Charming: Owww! I hope the two broken legs and 12 broken ribs don’t carry over from this world!


*You had ONE job, Charming!*


Charming: D’aw! And Henry gave that to me out of love!


Charming: So…this is what Hell is like. Disco floor, flames, and no mirrors….


Snow: Charming! You’re alive! *Squees*


Charming: Snow! What are you doing in Hell? Heh. If you curled up into a ball, would it give a new meaning to the saying “Snowball’s chance in hell?”


Snow: *Doesn’t know what to say to that.* Charming, I’m not sure I want that to be the first words we say to each other.


Charming: You look smoking hot….


Snow: Really? I’m on fire for you too!


*Are lalalaing together*


Charming: Also Rumpelstiltskin said that he’s considering breaking up the engagement if it means Emma comes home. He says that Henry’s happiness will be a price he’s reluctant to pay but he’ll do it


Snow: What? No! No, after the love interest I’ve seen over here, Rumpelstiltskin’s been looking like a FAR more suitable match! Emma’s starting to see it my way too!


Charming: Well I suppose we’ll just have to let her decide for herself when you all go to Rumpelstiltskin’s cell and use the squid ink in there to melt Cora’s face off!


Snow: That’s…gross.


Charming: Tell me about it. Rumpelstiltskin described it in gleeful detail!


Snow: Something just occurred to me…you took a sleeping curse, didn’t you?


Charming: Er…uh…no I didn’t! This is all a dream!


Snow: You sexy little dummy! Nothing’s stopping Henry from coming in here when he sleeps except for maybe Rumple’s magic! And there’s nothing to stop Rumpel from making another vial if that one breaks like you just did to it on your first try.


Charming: Aw…well…at least we’ll have time together with our grandson in here!


Charming: I’m here!
Snow: *Gasp* You’re lucky I deal with your prettiness over you inability to think things through.


Snow: And boy am I glad that our true love…stifled the flames or something…maybe our budget ran out, I don’t know.
Charming: Oh just shut up and kiss me!


*Fall through*


Charming: Oh…well…this is awkward…maybe I should stop listening to Rumpelstiltskin when he tells me my plans are good and he’s laughing when he does it…
Snow: So we can get burned but the true love that puts out flames doesn’t work in this world? What?


Charming: Uh….my bad?


Snow: You do realize that you’re stuck in this and you let Regina and Rumpel near our grandson, right?


Charming: Eh, Ruby will watch him or something…maybe I should have called her before I did this…


Snow: That’s nice. I’m waking up now.


Charming: You should know that risking an entire town to Rumpel and Regina was totally worth seeing you! Oh, now all we have to do is get Emma to take a sleeping curse and we’ll have something in common! Family bonding!


Snow: *Cries*  I wanted to bond over hatchet throwing!


Charming: Well, there’s still that!


Snow: *Cries* We’re gonna die!


Charming: Not with me protecting you!
Snow: *Cries harder*


Charming: Oh hey, the fire’s back…

Henry: So if what happens there affects things here…why isn’t the kiss working?


Henry: Is this something you did?


Regina: I’m sure it’s fine….they’re probably just catching up…lots of sex-


Rumpelstiltskin: Don’t tell my son things like that! What, do you want take away his innocence or something?


Snow: Yeah…I’m up, I’m up.


Emma: Mary Momgret! How’s Rumpelstiltskin? I mean…Henry?


Snow: Oh he’s fine. He wasn’t even there.



Emma: *Is unfazed* Whoa Mary Momgret, easy on the spazzing….


Emma: No Mary Momgret, you have to fight your addiction! You have a problem but we’re all here to help you through it…




Emma: I uh…believe in you and stuff!


Snow: Charming’s trapped in the netherworld because he listened to Rumpelstiltskin!


Emma: Really? He listened to that guy? Because as we all know, that ALWAYS ends well!


Snow: *Is trying to breathe in the rock*
Emma: *Is hoping she doesn’t Mary out on her* It’s okay Mary Momgret, we’re going to get you help for your problem…I’m surprised you got addicted this fast…and then I remember your caffeine problem…


Regina: We must go to Rumpelstiltskin’s cell!


Emma: I don’t want to go to Rumpelstiltskin’s cell! Do you want to know what kind of filth he wrote on the jail walls in STORYBROOKE?!


Snow: I thought it was well thought out literature!


Emma: ’50 Shades of Gold’ is NOT well thought out literature. Especially when he had me dressed as a naughty doctor in eight of those scenes!


Snow: I didn’t realize that was supposed to be you! Ewwww!


Emma: I had the same reaction! Now to get the compass, go home and beat him with it!


Emma: Oh crap, where’s the compass…
Snow: Withdraw! *Heaves*


Emma: This is awkward, but the compass is gone!


Snow: How on earth did Mulan take it without you noticing?


Emma: When I zone out, I really zone out?


Mulan: What the-? That’s not North!


Cora: Well…now that I’m done with my hot bubble bath, I can come back down for the daily round of torture…


Hook: I released her with my…lock picking hook apparently….you’ll just have to put me in chains instead!


Cora: Gladly!


Hook: Augh! Wait! I didn’t mean it like that!


Cora: Too late! You said it! NO tagbacks!


Hook: I’m imagining shoving you in that cage and shoving you over a cliff…


Cora: And I’m imagining pinning you to the wall and doing unspeakable things to you!


Hook: *Is trying to be seductive so that he can get out of this* Oh bring it, darling…I’m ready for whatever you have…


Hook: Nothing that’ll end up with organs being outside of my body, right?


Hook: Oh. So…wrong then?


Cora: You know something? I thought all these years that you were just playing hard to get and now I see that since you’re flirting with anything that moves…you MIGHT not like me the way I like you!


Hook: Gah Cora, what are you doing? Sttaahhhppp!


Cora: How would you feel if I waxed all that off?


Hook: And remove my natural fur coat? No thank you, I don’t want that at all!


Hook: Also if you wax me then I won’t be in any condition to go with you to the Chili’s two for one night tomorrow…


Cora: Don’t TEMPT me with that!


Hook: Coupons are somewhere on my person….looks like you’ll have to search me…


Cora: Oh…it’s a hard job but someone has to do it…


Hook: WHOA! They’re not THERE!


Cora: I believe in checking everything. 


Mulan: *Is humming Chariots of Fire*


Snow: Found you! 

Mulan: Crap! Stupid heavy armor!


Emma: *Is struggling to catch her breath* Good grief Mary Momgret, what do you have in those shoes? Rockets?
Snow: Be quiet Emma, I’m trying to look intimidating while wearing a lacy top and pink cardigan.


*Is awkward*
Mulan: So.....


Mary: *Is Mary’d out* DIE KATHRYN!


Emma: Oh…Mary Momgret, what was up with that face?


Emma: *Couldn’t care less* Yeah....yeah…break it up you two…


Mary: Now give me the compass even though Emma can just pry it from your hands or something…don’t MAKE me Hulk out on you!


*Makes that face to show her what she thinks of that*




Emma: Wait Mary Momgret….let me clear the area so that I don’t get blood spatter on me!


Aurora: Hey guys! What’s up? I heard terrified screaming and followed it…


Emma: HA! There’s NO way you escaped by yourself. I suspect a trap!


Snow: Uh…this isn’t what it looks like!


Aurora: Break it up you two! Leave you all alone for half a day and you turn to animals! Straighten up right now! Straighten up! How are you supposed to get anything done if all you do is fight all the time? You should all be ashamed of yourselves!


Emma: I didn’t do anything!


Aurora: Hook let me out…and then I took Cora on at hand to hand and totally won!


Snow: *Is astounded* YOU?!
Emma: Oh yeah? If he helped you, then where is he?


Aurora: Oh crap, what do I say? I AM talking to them; I’m doing it right now! Quick, if you didn’t leave with a girl then where would you be? That’s GROSS! I’m not saying that!


Cora: *Realizes that she’s talking while holding Aurora’s heart* Uh…um…he…didn’t know if you loved him and lost the will to live?


Aurora: What are we talking about?


Emma: I suspect a trap…


Cora: This WOMAN!


Aurora: Look, he has a thing for you for some inexplicable reason, okay? And when I left, he was yelling ‘Die Rumpel Die.”


Emma: Yeah that sounds like him…and you sound like you….


Hook: OH! OH! Tell her…um…tell her that I’m totally available once Rumpelstiltskin dies! And tell her I don’t sleep with my hook because that would hurt when I sling my arm over her or hit the ‘snooze’ button on the alarm and then I electrocute myself……oh and tell her I like peanut butter because if she doesn’t like it then we’re going to have a lot of problems-


Cora: *Is jealous* I’m not telling her that!


Cora: And don’t think I know what you do with that peanut butter…especially with Emma around…


Hook: Make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, what else would I do with it?


Hook: Geez Cora, not EVERYTHING I do is dirty!


Cora: Yeah, but I know you.


Hook: *Is ignoring her* Just most things.


Cora: Now to set sail! I can’t wait to put you in that little navy uniform I bought for you…


Hook: I’m not wearing that thing; I look like an oversized hairy baby!


Cora: You haven’t even tried it on!


Hook: *Looks around to make sure the zombies aren’t listening*


Hook: Okay, but only if I don’t have to wear the little navy hat.


Cora: *Is disappointed* But that was the best part! We were going to match and everything!


Hook: There are some embarrassments I won’t endure, Cora. Remember that.


Aurora: So…tell me where we’re going, the weapons, the weaknesses, the strengths and the backstories and family members of all of you.


Emma: AGAIN?!
Snow: AGAIN?!


Aurora: I uh- forgot…


Aurora: Where are you all going?
Mulan: Typical.


Snow: This is exactly why I can’t wait to get home. I’ll be a friggin’ maid of honor at the Golden Swan wedding if it means getting away from these two!



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