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Thursday, February 14, 2013

106 - The Shepherd

: Isn’t this exciting honey? You’re home, and we’re going to stay here forever and ever and ever.

Kathryn: *Is content*
David: Um…that trim is the wrong shade of blue for my eyes. I’ll need it barely a decimal shade brighter to match my eyes for our outside photographs and meet and greets with neighbors.

Kathryn: Aw honey, it’s so cute the way you’ve been complaining about little things ever since I checked you out.

David: I am not.

David: That grass over there is .005 inches too high. Grass has more of a chance of getting in my shoe and making it itch.

Kathryn: Just come on.

David: The cracks are too wide between the panels on our porch. I could fall through.

Extras: Hi David! Can we eat now?

Dr. Whale: Every single female here has dated Mr. Gold. I knew that would probably be the case so luckily I’m just here for the booze.

Extra 1: Hey David!

David: Whoa, you’re too happy. Stay away.  

Dr. Whale: It’s so good to see you here David. And I gotta jet soon because I’m the only doctor in this town. But I just stopped by to tell you that I didn’t mind taking care of your wife while you were sprawled out in my hospital.

David: I’m confused
Kathryn: So am I .

Dr. Whale: It was a joke.

David: Oh….heh…heh…I’m still confused.

Emma: And this Henry…is called socializing. This is what normal people do in environments where they’re all together. You should be taking notes. Archie and I talked to you about this.

Henry: I’m not here because I WANT to be here. I’m just here to scout out potential targets for our little operation of doom.

Emma: Henry, just because Archie’s with Marco at Salsa lessons doesn’t mean that you stop your therapy.  

Henry: I’m thinking David should be our new target. I think the reason his false memories aren’t there yet is because he was in a coma.

Emma: Or his memories aren’t here yet because of his coma!

David: Oh good! Finally people I recognize! All these people here and I don’t recognize any of them. From the townspeople’s numerous visits!

Emma: Yeah, that usually happens with extras.

Henry: Hi grandpa!

Emma:  Oh Henry.

Regina: Woman, stop eating all the chocolate! That’s for the guests!

Regina: Give them to me instead!

Kathryn: The walk back home was horrible! He called me Mary Margaret twice and when I corrected him, he asked why I just couldn’t be her!

Regina: We’re supposed to be cheering for this guy?

Kathryn: How dare you talk about him like that!

Regina: And you’re going to go out of your way to protect him. Wonderful.

Regina: Oh don’t worry. I’ll save your marriage by ripping out Mary Margaret’s soul and crushing any dreams she has.

Regina:  It’s been awhile since I’ve gotten the chance to do that.

Kathryn: You’re such a good friend.

Regina: Yes Krystal. I know.


Regina: Right. Right.

David: It seems like everyone in the town was invited but you and Mr. Gold.
Mary: Well I’m busy hanging random birdhouses up and Mr. Gold…well….

Mr. Gold: I can’t believe I let you talk me into this, Archie!
Archie: *Offscreen* You said you wanted a new dating pool!

David*Giggles* I wish I could be there to see that.

David: Want some help?
Mary: This isn’t even my yard….

David: Let the man do the hard work!

David: Ow! My thumb!
Mary: Oh my.

 Mary: Why aren’t you at the party that the wife who loves you and takes care of you took so long to plan?

David: Meh.

Mary: You’d rather be with me?!

David: No! Kathryn follows me around and acts like I’m going to break and when I step far away her eyes tear up and she constantly looks like she’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I HATE it when she acts like she cares.


David: But hanging with you is good too.

David: Alright Mary, I’m gonna be honest. If you don’t take me with you right now then I’m probably going to go jump off a roof.

Mary: None of the roofs are high enough to kill you.

Mary: Don’t ask me how I know that.

Mary: *Is sad* If it wasn’t for Mr. Gold catching me the third time I failed (and by catching me I mean landing on him) and dating me for two weeks, I wouldn’t have been the peppy person everyone knew at the beginning of the series.  

David: Even though I don’t remember who I am, I am more than certain that I don’t love Kathryn. That guy is gone and I’m MORE than sure that he’s not coming back.

David: Well I’m going now.

Warrior: My spear is NOT a phallic symbol

Prince James*Runs at him in that position* Die!

*Where did the wasteland come from? Isn’t this supposed to be a giant enchanted forest filled with our beloved fairy tale characters?*


Prince James: Ha ha! You didn’t kill me! *Does goofy swivel hip dance*  

*Is knocked over*

Prince James: Stop it! That hurt!

Prince James: Wait a minute, my back itches. Can you...can you scratch it?

*Is knocked over again*

*Is knocked out*

Warrior: Prepare to meet your doom! Mua-ha-ha and other card carrying villain phrases.

Prince James: Dodge!

Prince James: Stabbidies!

Warrior: Ow.

Prince James: Sympathetic characters ALWAYS do fake outs!

*Is obviously not dead*
Prince James: Duh. Winning.

George: Lulz, we’re no more sympathetic than the Romans.
Midas: Why does the woman to my right have a boat on her head?

*So the fashion for fairy tale royalty for men are dresses?*

Midas: Yeah, he looks pretty dead.
George: Check his pulse!
Prince James: I’ll check it with my sword!
George: *Giggles* *Snorts*
Prince James: *Giggles*

Midas: Alright boys!
*Both grow serious*

Midas: I’m confident that if you can beat this supposedly unbeatable man-

George: Well it’s not like the man my son brutally murdered for our viewing pleasure had any choice!

Prince James*High pitched giggle* Good one!

Prince James: I’ll fight your dragon if it means I can get with that hot chick you call your daughter.

George: This is why we don’t let him handle social events by himself.

Prince James: Which is why I plan to have your smokin’ hot babe of a princess at my side.

*Prepares to slap*

Servant: No sire! Not with your glove on. You’ll leave bruises!

Midas: Well remember what happened to Frederic. And that will be a meme until we do find out.

Midas: Now hold still.

Prince James: I WILL cut your wrist off.

Midas: Oooo, let me see.

*Nice wine goblet hat, lady*

Prince James: Dad, it’s gold. I can’t use THIS! Gold is supposed to be an incredibly soft metal! And this was my favorite sword!

Prince James: It doesn’t even LOOK real!

Midas: You can feed your people for a month with that!

Midas: Now my Servants set up donuts and coffee so we can all have a snack.
Prince James: *Grumbles*
George: Just smile and wave, son. Smile and wave.

Guard: Sir, if you want to take on the dragon then we better get going.

Prince James: What do you mean; “I” am going to take on the dragon. I thought that’s what you guys were for!

*Is stabbidied*

Warrior: Phallic symbol!

Prince James: I’m okay! All my vital organs slowed it down.

George: Oh son, I wish we could’ve actually afforded you a coffin.

George: Whatever happens we can’t let Midas know.
Guard: How come Midas DOESN’T know? He was like two feet away!

George: I told him we fixed it with duct tape.

George: Be careful. Please don’t drop my son down the palace stairs like you did my wife when she died. I can’t afford another group of traumatized tourists.

Guard: I’m sure I can look like your son if you ask me to.

George: No, it’s alright. I called in Rumpelstiltskin, I’m sure he’ll solve all my problems with as little debt as possible.  

Rumpelstiltskin: Nice dress.

George: Everyone get out, we’ll need to barricade the room from the fangirls.  

Rumpelstiltskin: And do hurry up, my arms are starting to cramp.

Rumpelstiltskin: I would ask you for your fashion designer but I don’t think your outfit would look as good in leather.

Rumpelstiltskin: So…my merchandise up and died on you, huh? This is why you can’t have nice things.

George: I need you to bring my son back.

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I could…

Rumpelstiltskin: But I’m not Frankenstein. He was insane.

George: What do you want?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, since your wife fell for me and ran out on you...

Rumpelstiltskin: I still feel badly about that by the way.

Rumpelstiltskin: All I ask is that you give over the Gold Fairy godmother that watches over your family. Let’s face it; she hasn’t exactly been up to the task.

George: Deal.

Rumpelstiltskin: Awesome. Low five!

George: I would have a Servant do it, but you made them all leave.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh well. Moving on.

Rumpelstiltskin: I think I should tell you that I can’t bring your kid back.

George: But you indicated that-

Rumpelstiltskin: HOWEVER, you got in on a good deal because we made this arrangement during ‘buy one, get one free week!”

Rumpelstiltskin: Good idea, right?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm?

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm?

George: What are you blathering on about?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well apparently my foresight ability that hasn’t been referenced since paid off.

Rumpelstiltskin: Because your kid came in a set, yo.

Charming: Oh I love my life. What could possibly go wrong?

Mary: Bestie, I think we’re moving too fast.           

Emma: What?

Mary: You come into town and all of a sudden I get a bestie, and a married boyfriend, and Archie plays songs for us and sings on his accordion under our window…I just think we might want to start making other friends.

Emma: Well if you say so.

Emma: And I was starting to kind of like you to.
Mary: REALLY?!
Emma: But don’t put too much stock in that. I kind of like Sydney too but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be in the same room with him.

David: Why do I look photoshopped in these photos?

Kathryn: Hey pookie. Don’t mind me, just checking for gray hairs.

David: Whoa! Some of these photos are filthy!
Kathryn: Yes, we had a wild side when we were newlyweds.
David: I like it

David: I had no idea I looked that good as the Nyeh Cat.  

Kathryn: I thought it was rather sexy as Chuck Norris.

David: No. Absolutely not

Kathryn: Oh honey, I love you!

David: And I have great affection for you-

David: Mmmph! Mm...Um….Okay….

Kathryn: That was like making out with a dry erase board…which is like making out with Keanu Reeves!

: May I have my gum back?

Charming: Come back! You’re supposed to be dinner!

Charming: Ha! Base! I win!


Charming’s Mom: Son, stop antagonizing the animals, it stops being cute after you’re four.

Charming: Mommy! You’re home!

Charming’s Mom: I think it’s about time you get out and find a job son.

Charming: I’m just waiting for my big break. One day a good looking woman is going to come through and love me for my looks and she’s going to be rich!

Charming’s Mom: Well it better happen soon while you still have your looks.

Charming: Looks won’t matter when she falls in love with me!

Charming’s Mom: Oh son, your father believed in love and he’s dead now.

Charming: Maybe I’ll win her over with my sexy singing voice.

Charming: Lalalalalala.

Charming: See?

Rumpelstiltskin: Will someone put that howling dog down?

Charming’s Mom: Oh CRAP.

Charming: Hi! Wanna stay for supper?!

Rumpelstiltskin*Giggles* *Cackles* *Chokes on spit* *Coughs* *Wheezes* *Laughs again*

Charming: What do you mean someone exists on this planet that’s as sexy as I am?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Mmmm, Cherry 7-Up; people would fight wars for you.

Charming’s Mom: We had to agree not to say anything because he guessed what a big mouth you’d have later in life.

Charming’s Mom: While I was elated to have the farm saved and one less mouth to feed. Your father regretted the deal as soon as he gave your brother over to Mr. Leatherpants McGiggles over there.

Rumpelstiltskin: I can hear you, you know!

Charming: Mom! Dad died before we were born!

Charming’s Mom: Well, I uh…

Rumpelstiltskin: Tick tock, woman.

Charming: Kind of a cruddy deal to have him save the farm ONE time.

Charming’s Mom: Well the deal was made when your father and Rumpelstiltskin got insanely drunk. Trust me son, you don’t want to see Rumpelstiltskin play the Ukulele while table dancing

Rumpelstiltskin: I said TICK TOCK! 

Charming: Mother, go into the house! I will handle my future as designated property alone.

*Does Rumpelstiltskin’s vest double as some kind of corset?*

: I usually hate patting myself on the back, but I did GOOD. Not only did I pick completely identical twins from childbirth but I picked a pair that is the same shape and size in practically every way.

Charming: Explain to me again why I would go live in a castle because you told me to?

Rumpelstiltskin: I wish you people would think before you asked these questions.

Charming: You get to fight a dragon dude! With no fighting skills whatsoever!

Rumpelstiltskin: Low-five!

*Is starting to hate him*

Rumpelstiltskin: Ookay….

Rumpelstiltskin: I can guarantee you that everything will be taken care of here if you do what I say. You’ll have a whole legion of soldiers that will take care of this little mess for you. Then you take the credit and smile pretty and I’ll make sure there’s a gleam in your teeth for the photo-shoot.

Charming: Yeeeaahhh, I’m still not going.

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, new strategy.

Rumpelstiltskin: In according to agreement with the contract, your parents guaranteed that you and your brother were property assigned to me and if I have to drag you kicking and screaming like a little girl back to that palace, then I am perfectly within my rights to do so!

Charming: Um…that sounds like that would be humiliating.

Rumpelstiltskin: Exactly!

Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t think you realize what a good deal this is. You’ll have medical, dental, decent haircut, indoor plumbing, impractical clothes, and lots of girls…

Rumpelstiltskin: Not as many as me of course.

Rumpelstiltskin: But the point is that you are about the have the best life anyone could ever hope for! In the .0001% chance that you survive this suicide mission.

Charming: Yeah dragons and chicks SOUND like fun, but I'd rather live in the quiet solitude of being a big fish in a small pond here thank you very much.

: You better start running.

Rumpelstiltskin: Because I’m coming for you as soon as you get tired and collapse, and if there’s any dignity in THAT, then it’s going to be the distance you traveled to get away from me.

: Why is there never a date on these papers?

Dr. Whale: Booga booga.
Mary: Oh no….

Dr. Whale: You know the best thing about being the doctor on duty? I can take credit for waking him up!

Mary: Good for you. I know your lying!

Dr. Whale: So…everyone is texting all about you resigning since you were the only one that does anything in that hospital. Being the arrogant prick that I am, I automatically assume that it’s about me.

Mary: Um…why again?

Dr. Whale: Oh because I was looking at myself in the reflection and possibly Ruby, I didn’t pay, I didn’t give you a ride, I ratted you out to Regina when John Doe woke up, I called you crazy when he grabbed you, and I’ve been going around town taking credit for waking up the man that YOU helped rescue.

Mary: Oh yeah! Well believe it or not I’m used to that kind of behavior from the men I date.

Dr. Whale: Well if you want a chance to forget the ass I am…you know where to find me.

Mary: Why would I forget douchebag behavior by dating the same douchebag that caused it?

Dr. Whale: Um….Oh hey! I’m being paged. I gotta go.

Mary: Winning.

Regina: Hold that door and bow!

Dr. Whale: Huh?
Regina: Ugh, poor people.

Regina: I’m about ready to backhand you.

Mary: You normally greet me by saying that you want to make me disappear! Why the sudden change? Are you mad at me?

Regina: You should know that David left his wife for you!

Mary: Oh sweet mercy, yes!

Regina: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.

Regina: IF he leaves his wife for you then what makes you think that he won’t leave you for the next woman he loves so much?

Mary: I guess I hadn’t thought about that.

Regina: And that next woman MIGHT be me!

*Is disgusted she said that*

Mary: But…ew!

Regina: Yes!  

Mary: But we have true love!

Regina: You know what I do to those who are in true love? I pretend they’re bugs….

Regina: And then I squish them.

*Is Sad*

Charming: 6 months of trying to grow that beard…all gone.

Rumpelstiltskin: Just smile dearie!

Charming: You tied me to a chair and forced a razor against my face and through my hair! Why would I smile about that?! 

Midas: Who are you talking to?

Rumpelstiltskin: No one can hear me but you. I’m invisible!

Midas: Who is that creepy little man?!

Rumpelstiltskin: Hm…must work on that.

Charming: Hey….you.

Midas: Midas.

Charming: Midas. Right.

Midas: You know you’re making this real easy for me to think you’re not good enough for my baby girl.

Charming: Just like a real family!

Rumpelstiltskin: I could’ve easily taken on that dragon problem.

Charming: Then why didn’t you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Midas was worried that any children his daughter and I would have together might look like me. I personally thought he was jealous.

Charming: I don’t think you have to worry.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is really starting to hate him*

Guard: Hey, tell that little weirdo to back off!

Guard: And give me that sword!
Charming: No! My fake daddy said I could have it!

Guard: The last thing we want you to do is to fall and disembowel yourself.

Charming: Now that we’re actually going against the dragon…I kinda forgot I left my camera phone at home. Can we by any chance go back?
Guard: Sir, we’ve heard your phone vibrating against your armor.

Charming:  That one sucks; I want to buy a new one.

Guard: Okay boys! Into the cave to die so the face of the kingdom doesn’t mess up his pretty little face!

Charming: Wait! I might not be pretty anymore?!

Guard: Oh my gosh!
Charming: Where are you going?! Don’t leave me here!

Charming: Will you wear my armor and pretend to be me while I run away?

Rookie: Absolutely not.
Charming: And your reason would be?!

Dragon: Mmmm, crunchy guards.

Charming: That’s it! I’m gone!

Guard: Sir, you can’t leave us alone our armor weighs us down! We’ll never stay caught up!

Charming: Good! You’ll be excellent bait!

Charming: Wait, I forgot that guard also took my milk money!

Guard 2: Well, then we have no choice but to let you go.
Guard 3: Even if our ONE order was to protect you.

*Is in agony*
* Who would’ve thought that walking up to the dragon’s front door might end badly?*

Charming: Give me my milk money!

Charming: Oh crap, it’s awake!
Guard: Save me!
Charming: Let me go! I’m trying to get away!

Charming: So long buddy.

*Is a dragon*

Charming: *Screams like a girl*


Charming: Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Charming: Please don’t hurt me! I’m too pretty to die!

*Is stuck*

Charming: Hey, that worked. I…didn’t even plan it.

Charming: Did you forget you blow fire? What are we waiting on?!


Charming: I’m so good that not even blood stained the sword.

David: Heh, knives are sharp.

Mary: What are you doing here running to profess your love in broad daylight?!

David: It’s not like you’re ever teaching your class!

Mary: I have random books to carry around. Good day.

David: I think I should tell you that I tolerate you far more than I love my wife.

Mary: Romantic.
David: That came out wrong!
Mary: You’re still wearing your wedding ring.

David: My fingers are too fat to get it removed! What did you people feed me at the hospital? I tried to use the circular saw to get it removed and Kathryn came in to see what I was doing and….that conversation didn’t go well at ALL.

Mary: I really shouldn’t be with you while your wife has feelings and you still smell like her skanky laundry detergent.

*Fakes other direction and dodges*

David: Wait, I have something to say to you.

David: Lalalalalala.

*Is enamored*

David: Oh hey, you do have kids here.

David: Meet me at the bridge if you really love me! You can even use me for show and tell if you want!

Mary: Out.

David: I didn’t mean it like that.

Mary: Out!
David: Hey kids you’re looking at the future Mr. And Mrs. David Nolan…Charming…Margaret…Mary…Blanchard…White

*Is trying not to slap him. *

David: Does that look mean you’ll think about it?

Graham: Hey you. I found these donuts by the door because I don’t buy them at all! That would be a stereotype. Would you like one?

Emma: Um…I gotta watch my figure. I don’t want to let myself go and let my arteries get clogged just in time for a hostile takedown. That ALWAYS happens.

Graham: There are bear claws.

Emma: Mmm, made from actual bears.

Graham: I knew you’d like them!

Graham: Oh and I should ask you to take the nightshift so I can do non-town approval things.

Emma: And if I don’t?

Graham: Then the rest of the bear is coming after you I’m afraid.

Emma: You better be happy you’re cute!

GrahamRegina said the same thing when I told her you were adorable.

Mary: Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! Get lost, Graham! Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma! Emma!

Graham: Better get the tranquilizer gun, Mary’s on caffeine again.

Mary: Guess what happened! Guess! Guess! Guess! Guess! Guess! Guess!

Emma: David left his wife for you

Mary: DAVID LEFT HI-..Y-yeah.

Emma: Graham posted it on Twitter a couple of hours ago. I’m surprised he had to be the one to tell me.

Mary: Oh, that’s because I was at Granny’s getting wasted on coffee. It helps me think.

Mary*GASP!* I can see myself in a white dress right now!

Emma: Please tell me you didn’t get behind the wheel like this.

Mary: No! I abandoned my class and ran here.

Emma: Well, whatever happens between you and David happens between you and David. You’re both adults and even though I apparently might have experience in this, I’m going to let you two up to your own devices.

Mary: Perfect because he’s going to move in with us!

Emma: Ugh…I didn’t think about that.

Mary: You do know that those aren’t made from actual bears right?

Emma: I know. Bears don’t taste like chicken.

Midas: Well, nothing says heroism like you and that one survivor dragging a rotting dragon’s head down the mountain so I can change it into gold.

Midas: Put it right where Rumpel’s head is going to be.

Charming: Can I call you daddy?
George: Absolutely not.

Charming: But I’ve more than earned the right to! Your son couldn’t fight a dude in too much armor. I beat up a dragon!
George: You disappoint me already.

Midas: Now, I think it’s time for that slap I owe you, James.

Midas: I’m just kidding. We’ll have to be leaving soon. I just remembered I have absolutely nothing to do with fairy tale mythology.

George: Aw! What a loss
*Doesn’t mean it*

Midas*Annoyed sigh*

Midas: I still hate to have to do this...

Midas: But you can have my daughter.

Charming: But I don’t want to marry a girl!

Abigail: Why aren’t my father’s guards escorting me?

Midas: Come give daddy a hug!
Abigail: Oh daddy, you’re so funny!
*Both giggle*

George: Morons.

Midas: Say hi to your husband, sweetie-kums.

*Struggles not to throw up*

Midas: She likes you!

Charming: I…I think Rumpelstiltskin would make a MUCH better match.

*Is offended*

George: Get over here right now!

George: If you say no then I will turn you over my knee and paddle you right here.

George: And then I will kill your mother.

George: And then I will burn your farm down.

George: And then….you can’t call me daddy!

*Is trying to hide his horror*

George: That’s my boy!

Charming: Please don’t get any more affectionate.

David: Why doesn’t this town have street signs?

David: Oh wait I just had the map upside down.

Regina: What’re you doing?
David: DEMON!

David: Oh I mean….hi.

Regina: *Is trying to steal Mary’s Man* Hey you.

David: Can I have directions to meet my new girlfriend in the place I set that I had no clue where it would be? Yeah…that was kind of stupid.
*I refuse to believe David’s head blocking out the ‘s’ on that sign was an accident*

David: You’re my wife’s best friend. I have no idea why I’m telling you this.


Regina: Because you are you, David.

Regina: Go down that road and walk in the forest for three days. You’ll find the bridge.

David: Yays!

Regina: Gullible fool

David: What?

Regina: I said gullible fool!

David: Oh. Thank you!

Mary*Clears throat*

Mary: Sooommmee daayy myyy prince will commmeee! Hopefully sooner than later because I’m starting to crash on my sugar high.

David: Who would’ve known that when Regina said ‘go down the street’ I would’ve gotten hopelessly lost!

David: And the map is written in Japanese?!

David: When did that happen?!

David: Oooo, shiny things


David: Aw! I’m giving that to Mary for our wedding anniversary!

David: Wait a minute, what was I here for?

David: It doesn’t matter. Pretty mobile.

Mr. Gold: And knowing you, you’d have it destroyed before you even got out the door.

David: Why are you people like teleporters?!

David: Hey, aren’t you the guy that went dancing the other night? How did that go?

Mr. Gold: I don’t want to talk about it.

David: Hey, you’re rich. Any chance I could live with you for a while?

*Hates him*
Mr. Gold: Sorry, ‘my best friend’ spot has already been filled by someone I actually don’t have to pay to like me.

David: Well FINE! I’m just gonna go…Oooo, a windmill.

Mr. Gold: This man has the attention span of a goldfish and much less personality.

Mr. Gold: Whatever you do don’t spin that.

*Listens about as well as his grandson*

Mr. Gold: You are getting veerryyy sleeeppyyy.

*Is hypnotized*

Mr. Gold: You will regain your false memories!

David: I remember everything! Most everything! Some everything!...A little everything.

Mr. Gold: IT’s sad when I have to admit that was a lot harder than I thought it would be

Charming: MA! HEY MA!

Charming: Woman! Are you deaf?
*How did she not hear him when he rode up?*

*Runs to him in slow motion*
Charming: Mommy, don’t do that.

Charming’s Mom: I hardly recognized you without your doofy haircut!

Charming’s Mom: Oh yeah, this will fit the new husband I picked out real well.

Charming’s Mom: I knew that you probably didn’t want to marry the miller’s daughter so I went ahead and married the miller and let me tell you that you just MIGHT be expecting a half sibling by this time next year!

Charming’s Mom: But you don’t have to call it a half-sibling. Your new father has already got the adoption papers drawn up for you.

Charming: He’s not my daddy! I have a new daddy now! And his name is...

Charming’s Mom: Please don’t say Rumpelstiltskin, Please don’t say Rumpelstiltskin….

Charming: King George!

Charming’s Mom: That’s even worse!

Charming: Also I’m getting married.

Charming’s Mom: I’ve had time to think about the discussion and I don’t think you should get married to someone you don’t love!

Charming: Thanks mom for…letting me know this after I get engaged to someone I don’t love.

Charming’s Mom: Well then I will march right up there and call it off!

Charming: Mom, I can’t do that because he’s going to kill you!

Charming’s Mom: By the way, what happens to me after this all goes badly? You all seem to have forgotten about me after this episode.

Charming: Meh. Also we can’t see each other again. Don’t know why. I seem to have run away multiple times so this should’ve been a piece of cake.

Charming’s Mom: Well take my ring; since I married another guy while you were gone I don’t need it anymore.

Charming: Mommy! She’s a princess! She’s not gonna want your silly little ring.

Charming’s Mom: It’s for true love! I loved your father and I also loved the cereal box I got it from.

Charming: I am, I admit, very fond of cereal.

Charming’s Mom: And don’t forget to wear clean underwear and mind your P’s and Q’s.

Charming: Mommy!

Mary: It’s okay Mary. Try to look innocent and cute. You’ve only been standing out here for three hours.

*Is gasping for air*
David: Sorry I’m late! I’m pretty sure Mr. Gold and Regina kept sending me in false directions back and forth to each other. I finally caught n and just ran in a direction hoping that I’d be heading the right way. Looks like I was.

Mary: Aw, it’s so cute when people try to keep us apart.

David: Good news! I remember my wife now!


David: You aren’t planning to do anything drastic to her, are you?.

Mary: Of course not!
*Is lying*

David: Good! Because even though I remember everything, I still feel the exact same way about you and her but I’m going to be honorable in my loveless marriage.

Mary: I…why?

David: I figure it’s like having a meal and a fast food restaurant…and you have it every day. And then one day the cook gives you extra fries on accident. I still feel the same way about the meal, but it’s my duty to eat the rest of the fries. And I love them fries.

Mary: I don’t think I completely like or agree with that metaphor.

David”: Oh well. It’s not like I led you on all this time and utterly destroyed my wife’s hopes at a new life, right?

Mary: Twat.

David: Hey, now what’s wrong?

Mary: You will regret this day.

David: What?!

Mary: Don’t mess with me, David. I dated Mr. Gold and if there’s anything he taught me it’s how to get people to regret they left me….and then he did…this story is going nowhere. Maybe I should just go….

David: Mary…
Mary: *Fake!Giggles*

Mary: Oh, he is going down.

*Humming the COPS theme*

Graham: Stupid rain gutter! *Kicks* *Falls* AH!

Emma: Oh crap, I actually have to do my job! *Slams door*

Emma: Enjoy your broken sternum! *Hits*

Graham: Ow!

Graham: WHAT?!

Emma: What, does Henry have you so scared that you have to crawl out of the window so he can’t have access to the Mayor’s bedroom to plant deadly things in there too?!

Emma: Wait! Are you two doing the naughty?!

Graham: No….

: Yes….

Emma: Ugh, that just broke my heart even though we really haven’t had an adequate number of scenes together to establish the relationship.

David: Well, I’m still terrified that I’m going to fall through the cracks on this porch but I guess it’s adequate to call home. Even though that red and striped awning on the second floor doesn’t go with the theme at ALL.

Kathryn: What do you need?

David: Hey you! I remember everything about your doomed marriage now!

Kathryn: Good for you, you can’t come in.

David: I can understand how you would feel that way. And I only have one thing to say.

David: Lalalalala

: Lalalalala

Kathryn: Oh honey.

David: Uh…hello?

Charming: So….is this all happening in the same day? I can’t imagine my fake daddy would let me randomly run off to say goodbye to my mom.

Midas: Oh CRAP. I just realized we’re going to be father in laws.
George: I’m honored you chose me.

Midas: I’m not!

Charming: Don’t stab new daddy in the face. Don’t stab new daddy in the face.

Midas: And you two are going to be married at once! In my castle because this one sucks because there’s no dragon head to oversee the ceremony.

Charming: Where exactly was I going to propose to her at?

Midas: And I see no reason why you kids can’t be in a wagon by yourselves with no chaperone!
George: It’ll speed up the falling in love process!

Abigail: Daddy, if I have to ride in the wagon with him I will take these feathers out of my dress, make wings and fly away.

Midas: Aw, my little girl’s just nervous.
George: I hope that boy doesn’t come near me.

Charming: How about a hug for the new groom daddy?

George: You just did that to make me uncomfortable didn’t you?

Charming: Oh yeah.

Abigail: You make a better door than a window, loser!

*Steps on foot as she passes by*

George: Don’t’ worry about that son, you should’ve seen my wife when I she was told that she’d marry me.

George: She nearly passed out from laughing so hard….and then she realized we were serious. Ah, I have nothing but warm memories for that ice queen cow.

*Old scene, new angle*

Charming: That tree looks an awful lot like a human face.

Snow: Oh he looks like he’s going to be easy pickings.

Mary: Worst. Day. Ever. Not only did my married boyfriend leave me, but my bestie is drowning her sorrows by talking to her kinda boyfriend in her therapy sessions, and I can’t drink coffee to drown my own sorrows because I drank it all already!

Dr. Whale: Did I hear drowning sorrows?! And with no Mr. Gold in sight, I say….

Dr. Whale: Hello sweet thing. I’m Dr....
Mary: I know who you are. We’ve dated before.

Dr. Whale: Oh…awkward.

Dr. Whale: To be honest the only reason I can get a woman is because they’re crying and desperate.

Mary*Rolls eyes*

*Is trying to force herself to find him likable*

Dr. Whale: Did I mention that I have the last of the coffee in the town that you didn’t consume?

Mary: Hospital coffee doesn’t count as coffee.

Dr. Whale: Are you really in the position to be messing with trifles?

Mary: Only if I can sleep in the on call room when I’m done.

Dr. Whale: Well, something’s better than nothing so done!

Mary: Aw, it’s healthy to move on to another guy after breaking up with the one you liked 30 minutes ago.

The End.

Clips belong to ABC's Once upon a time, Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing and Charm school, among others.

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