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Thursday, February 14, 2013

107 - Heart is a Lonely Hunter









*Bambi’s Mom.*



Graham: Is it a good idea to let a clearly drunk unstable man around darts with innocent civilians? I know they do it in bars but…just seems kind of unsafe.


Sydney: Hey, I hear you’ve been hanging around a lot by Regina…I just have to ask you…what’s your secret?


Graham: She wouldn’t want you, you have free will!


RubyHiiiii Graham.
*Is ignored*


Emma: Hey guys, what’s up?


Ruby: Hi Emma. Where on Earth did you come from? The back? The bathroom? Poaching our shirts again? We’re still waiting for you to return that other one that you poached from us just so you know.


EmmaWell keep waiting because I’m never coming back here again.


GrahamWatch this Sydney! I know how to get women!






Sydney
:
 Here’s five bucks, what’s your secret?


EmmaYou know I don’t want another hole in my body unless it’s from a clean sanitized source!


Graham: How about another?!


Emma: Graham! Don’t you dare!


Graham: I never miss! *Throws*


Emma: GACK!
GrahamOh…crap.
Ruby: Did you see that fountain of blood?
GrahamYeah I think…I might’ve hit the jugular.


Graham: Are you okay? I am SO sorry.
Emma: And that’s what happens when you consume alcohol and throw darts at people! And while I’m leaning against the wall bleeding to death, how about we talk about you leaving the mayor’s house as loudly as possible?


Graham: *Rolls eyes* It’s always about you, isn’t it?


Graham: I don’t feel anything!


Emma: Oh really? Well I recommend you see a doctor about that problem!


Emma: When he’s done attending ME.


Graham: Let me explain to you what’s going on or I’m going to football tackle you!


Emma: I really stopped caring after the 457th text message you sent me.


Emma: By the way, why didn’t you explain it to me when we were working today?
Graham: Because you told me not to talk to you and then you locked me in my own office and threw darts at Regina’s picture in front of me.
Emma: Must’ve blacked out on that part.


Emma: But really, you should go sleep it off. I think I’m still bleeding. Professing our love to each other right before one of us keels over is SO nineties.


Graham: Don’t you understand? I can’t feel anything? I know that this has sort of come out of nowhere…and I’ve been shown to have some emotions in this episode, like anger and grief and other emotions earlier like amusement. But I suddenly don’t feel anything now!


Graham: Don’t you understand? I need you! I want you! I love you! I mixed you a CD!


Emma: What?!


*Smooches*


*How come one of the first things he sees is an animal of the canine variety as he kisses Emma? I know it’s important to his character but I’d be insulted*


Emma: Didn’t Archie tell you that doesn’t work with me?!


Graham: What on Earth was that? I think I had some sort of memory vision!


Emma: So now you’re thinking of other things when you kiss me?!


Graham: Uh….lalala-


Emma: Not gonna work!


Graham: La….you know what? I think you’re just jealous of Regina!


Emma: You know, if you love Regina so much then why don’t you go make out with her right now!


Graham: Maybe I will!


Graham: And you’ll be sorry!


Graham: REGINA! YOU HOME?


Regina: What are you doing here at my front door without asking my permission first?!


Graham: I need you! I want you! I love you! I mixed you a CD!


*Smooches*


Regina: I think I should tell you that-






Regina
: Um…I DO have company over.



Mr. Gold: Oh um….this is awkward.


*Um…didn’t Disney get in trouble for putting a painting that kind of looked like this on the Little Mermaid movie poster?*


Evil Queen: Have any of you seen my shirt?






Snow White
*Sobs* *Gives a loud sniff* *Wipes nose* Bye daddy! I’ll never forget how much you favored me over my stepmother!



Evil Queen: Hey, do you mind?  I’m standing right behind you.


Snow White: Is that what you’re wearing?!


Snow: *Cries harder* I am SO doomed.


Snow*Hugs*
Evil Queen: Oh…okay. How did you not cut yourself on my weird collar thing?


Snow White: He was so friggin’ amazing!


Evil Queen: I can’t breathe!
Snow*Blows nose on Evil!Queen’s sleeve*


Evil Queen: You know how much I had….some affection…kind of for your father.


Snow: I LOVED HIM TOO!


*Glomps*
Evil Queen: Oh, someone send me an assassin so I can get out of this.


Mirror: Your revenge is almost complete! Dearie me, I’ve adjusted to being in the magic Mirror and being screwed over by you quite quickly.


Evil Queen: It’s only part 53 of my evil plan!
Guard: Hey! Since when do I suddenly work for you?! I served the King and I’m loyal to Snow!


Evil Queen: Shut up Ralphie. Even though that is a good question. Why am I blathering about my evil plan in broad daylight surrounded by what is possibly my husband’s guards? Did I rip their hearts out too?


Mirror: Is that what you wore?


Evil Queen: Dagnabbit Mirror! Stop following me around! I thought it was creepy when I jumped in the show but now it’s starting to get old.


Evil Queen: So, know anyone that might be into the…death causing business?


Mirror: I seemed to feel guilty about causing your husband’s death but now I’m surprisingly okay with your evil plots.


Evil Queen: So, send me an assassin.


Mirror: No. You need someone without a heart.


*Nothing more filling like CGI deer*


*Bambi’s Dad*


Huntsman: Don’t worry pretty deer; we’ll have a funeral for you later today. All your little animal friends will be your pallbearers.


*So, the Evil Queen wants someone without a heart and the guy she picks is the dude who cries over his kill?* 


Wolf: Woof.


Huntsman: its okay buddy, we’re gonna eat well tonight. By the way, do you even understand what I’m saying?


Graham: Good night that was horrible!


Regina*Snore* Wha-?


Graham: I just realized that your bedspread looks like banana pudding!


Regina: Yes darling, that was your idea. I told you that sleeping in real banana pudding would just be too messy!


Regina: Now go to sleep! Must we have this conversation every time you come over?


Graham: I also dreamed about some kind of puppy.






Regina
*Shoots up* You don’t even like puppies!



Graham: I don’t think I ever got the chance to make that decision for myself.


Regina: No one needs to think for themselves Graham, that’s what you have me for.


Graham: Well I feel depressed all of a sudden. I think I’m going to go make a cookie dough run.


Regina: No honey, what did I tell you about having sugar?


Graham: Now that I kissed you and Emma, I might go snog Ruby next.


Regina: Wait…Emma THEN me?


Graham: And then maybe Ashley…I might go for Granny next. I think Mr. Gold has taken her out on a few dates but has yet to seduce her.


Regina: Ugh, might as well get my slaughtering kit ready. Again.


*If he’s still drunk, is it a good idea to drive around in the Sheriff’s car?*


Wolf: Daddy!


Graham: AHHHHH! OH MY HEAVENS I DON’T WANT TO DIE WHILE I’M STILL PRETTY!


Mr. Gold: What was that?


*Trots off*


Graham: Oh well…I’m sure that had NOTHING to do with the fact I’m off my meds. 


Emma: Well, just another night of crawling in my bed and sobbing into my pillow.


Emma: You gotta be kidding me!


Mary: Have you seen the flowers I got you tonight for your dinner with Archie?


Emma: This is what I think for your tacky floral arrangement!


Emma: And Archie and I agreed to take a break after he took Mr. Gold to salsa lessons and not me. Dinner got canceled.


Mary: Well…I needed some way to get rid of the flowers that Dr. Whale sent me. After I got done clipping the roots off, they look okay.


Mary: I’m pretty certain that he robbed them from the cemetery.


Emma: Really? The married boyfriend that was going to leave his wife for you breaks up and….you have a one night stand with someone else that same night?


Mary: Oh silly, it’s not that bad.


Emma: You had a one night stand with a guy that spent all of episode 3 demeaning you and….you …okay, am I the only one that has a problem with this?


Mary: Well, better than being like you.


Emma: Yeah.


Emma: Wait, what?


Mary: Oh Graham just twittered about how you shoved him in against a pole and made out with him right in front of Archie’s office because you’re guarded and you don’t want a kinda boyfriend.


Emma: I never!


Mary: Oh, I believe you…Archie cried for three hours on the phone with me starting at three in the morning, but I believe you!


Emma: Three hours?


Mary: Three and a half.


Emma*Is sad* Well…good because…I don’t get involved….and I was just…pity dating Archie anyway but…IwillneverevergettogetherwithGraham.


Mary: And do you believe that?


Emma:…No


Graham: Here puppy! Come here puppy! *Whistles*


Graham: What is that?!


Gold: I uh….I wasn’t burying the body of anyone who went back on any of my deals!


Graham: Were you gardening?


Gold: Sure….gardening.


Graham: In a suit?


Gold: I wear a suit for everything. Garage work? There’s a suit for that. Lying around the house? There’s a suit for that? Sleeping? There’s a suit for that. Showering? There’s a suit for that? Burying mysterious things in the forest? There's a suit for that.


Graham: Even with the ladies?


Gold: I said EVERYTHING didn’t I?


Graham: Hey, any chance you saw a wolf around here?


Gold: Uh…Hm…how do I put this delicately?


Graham: I would kinda like to know…I’ve seen it in my dreams and then I saw it for real.


Gold: Uh-huh…


Graham: But everyone thinks I’m crazy. What do you think?


Gold: I love my new rain boots. They’re so shiny.


Graham: Since you’re out here in the middle of the deep dark woods all by yourself doing Lord knows what with that shovel….can you please quit skirting around the issue and tell me if you saw my wolf or not?


Gold: Hm…so that was what was moving in the bushes when I smashed it.  


*Waits for reaction*


Graham: You did what?!


Gold: *Is satisfied* Yep. Gold’s gonna have a new rug the by the end of the day!


Graham: Wait. You’re being sarcastic aren’t you?


*Giggles*


Graham: You have issues! I think you’ll do fine. I want you! I need you! I love you! I mixed you a CD!


Gold: Oh…um…tempting…


Graham: Really?


Gold: No!


Graham: Please?


Gold: No!


Graham: WHY NOT?!


Gold: Because this smile is only reserved for Emma.


Graham: Oh hey! Mine too.


Gold: I still have this shovel you know!


*Storms off*


Graham:…..Well that was odd. Puppy! C’mere puppy! *whistles*




Huntsman
: I followed this mutt all day and he hasn’t caught a single duck!




Huntsman: Hey, a bar!



Huntsman: It’s okay Paxington. They won’t notice you’re a wolf. I’m just going to tell then you’re my really hairy father



*Whistles innocently*
*Why is her hair three different shades of blonde?*



Paxington the Wolf: Where’s my 7 course meal?



Bar Guy: Oh look, it’s the guy that was raised by wolves.
Bar Guy 2: So not only is he the Huntsman but he’s Mowgli too? Everyone throws a fit about Rumpelstiltskin being the beast but everyone is okay with this?



Bar Guy: How does he even speak English?



Huntsman: Because I DID go to wolf school you moron! Paxington taught me.



Bar Guy: Oh he did, did he?



*Is offended…and probably animatronic*



Huntsman: Paxington, kindly rip out their throats!



Bar Guy 2: I’m not getting involved in this, Freud.
Bar Guy: You’re loss!



Huntsman: DODGE!



Bar Guy 2: I’m not getting involved! I’m not getting involved!



Bar Guy 3: I was just here because I heard this was the best grunge place in the district! *Runs*



Huntsman: Pax, you better be glad I commit murder of my fellow Huntsman and reduce my own competition for YOUR sake.



Evil Queen: Oh he’s perfect!
Mirror: But he’s not heartless…he cries over his meals….
Evil Queen: Shut up! He’s sexy! He has an accent!



Graham: Alright puppy! I’m hopelessly lost, so thank you very much for that! Which is embarrassing considering the woods ARE my thing but that just goes to show you that you’ve led me past my 60 mile knowledge of these woods!



Graham: You can kill me. I’m ready



*Rustles*



Graham: Oh crap!



Graham: Never mind!



Graham: So long puppy, I just remembered that I have a full life ahead of me!



Graham: Oh no! You found me!



*What turned the eye red? Does that happen to animals sometimes? Or does he have a secret laser thing going on? Because if it’s the latter then why can’t the show be about Mr. Gold and the laser eyed dog teaming up and fighting crime together?*



Graham: Maybe if I don’t move then he won’t kill me.



Graham: Oh no, my nose itches!



Paxington the Wolf: You owe me several years’ worth of mange treatments you moron.



Graham: It talks too?!



Graham: Good…doggy?!



*Is flashed*
Graham: Whoa!



Graham: Doggie! You get back here right now!



Graham: Everything I love keeps abandoning me!



Kid: I wish she would teach for once and not talk about her lack of a boyfriend.



Mary: Graham. Uh…I don’t recall you being in the celibacy club.



Graham: I want you, I need- Oh, I can’t anymore



Mary: I’d say ‘yes’!



Graham: Well I wouldn’t.



Mary: What’s that supposed to mean? Are you okay?



Graham: Well in the past 24 hours, I’ve kissed Emma, kissed and did the naughty with Regina, professed my love for both of them. I’ve been drunk, been an insomniac, had really bad nightmares, got lost in the woods like 3 different times, saw Mr. Gold doing mysterious things with a shovel in the woods, and then I got flashed…not with Mr. Gold nearby…but when the flashing happened…I saw you!



Mary: Oh…that sounds…adventurous.



Evil Queen: I sort of regret putting one of my more pruder outfits



Guard: Ha! Rock! I win.
Huntsman: I don’t know how to play this game.



Evil Queen: Hello sexy.



Huntsman: Oh great, this again. How many times do I have to tell you royal snobs? I’m not a stripper, and this whole garb thing is NOT a theme.



Evil Queen: I’m REALLY thrilled about that.



Evil Queen: Because I have a job I need you to do, you sexy man beast you.



Huntsman: That stops being funny when you’re literally one.



Evil Queen: Wanna score some new rep points?



Evil Queen: I kinda need you to kill someone for me.



Huntsman: How much?



Evil Queen: Oh, only a little.



Huntsman: How many times do I have to tell you royal snobs? I’m not an assassin. These clothes are NOT assassin clothes.  And if I’m the fairy tale equivalent to PETA then why am I wearing the dead fur of one on my shoulders?



Evil Queen: Maybe we can help each other out. *Bedroom Looks* What is it exactly that you want?



Huntsman: To ban the hunting of wolves!



Evil Queen: Sure! I don’t know how exactly we can enforce that but…why not?



Huntsman: Well banning the hunting of my family is good enough for me to ensure the hunting of yours. Who do you want me to kill?



Evil Queen: My trampy stepdaughter who ruined my life and it’s all her fault that I turned into this. You should figure out who she is pretty quickly. She’s the one running around in the pimped out nun dress.



Huntsman: What’s a nun?



Evil Queen: Oh, we got a long way to go.



Evil Queen: Get it done.



*Glares*



Huntsman: Gah!



Evil Queen: Oh wait, wrong look. I mean.



*Smirks*



Graham: And that was pretty much the extent of my day.



Mary: Was Mr. Gold wearing the apron that I bought him? It had little gold bars on it.



Graham: Uh…no.



Mary: He told me he’d treasure it forever!



Graham: I hardly think that’s the biggest point on what’s going on.



Mary: Come to think of it…no one has kept any of my gifts!



Mary: I’m sorry, what were you saying?



Graham: Well, apparently I now think it’s completely logical that we might all be from some sort of a parallel universe and…have repressed memories of our fairy tales lives.



Mary: Oh sure, that makes PERFECT sense!



Graham: Really?



Mary: No you idiot. That’s the sort of thinking that got Henry into trouble!



Graham: Henry believes it to?!



Mary: How do you not know that?! Everyone knows that. He screams it from the rooftops every chance he gets.



Mary*Pats shoulder* Aw, poor Grahammie.



Snow: And then on my sixth birthday, daddy bought me a pony, and then on my seventh birthday he bought me a pony and a castle, and then on my eighth birthday he bought me another pony, another castle AND I got to have access to them!



Snow: Are you listening? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.



Huntsman: Oh…I’m…new.



Snow: I figured. I would’ve totally noticed you before!



Huntsman: I-is it hot in here?



Snow: Then take it off you silly nilly!



Huntsman: Thank you! Who designed those goofy outfits anyway?



Snow: Teehee, apple?



Huntsman: I remember which fairy tale we’re in so…gonna have to pass.



Snow: Your loss. You’re going to need your strength when you kill me!



Huntsman: How did you know?!



Snow: Hm…let me think.



Snow: Oh!



Snow: I’ve never seen you before.



Huntsman: Oh…that was kind of a stupid question.



Snow: And I find it odd that my stepmother the queen would allow one man to escort a princess to a summer home only the two of us. Especially when it takes five guys just to escort me to the bathroom. And you’re the only one that hasn’t offered your condolences on my father’s passing. I should know, I kept a tally.



Huntsman: That was…smart.



Snow: And this little brainless schoolgirl thing? Just an act, princess.



*Roundhouse kicks*



Huntsman: I fell on my garage door opener!  




Emma: It’s a good thing nothing happens in this town because when your sheriff takes the day off to run after puppies then nothing else could happen that would require someone to fill in for you.






Emma: Imagine Graham’s face. Imagine Graham’s face.



*One dart morphs into five*



Emma*Is Unfazed * Wow, just like Angry Birds.



Regina: Oh good, you’re here. I should tell you that my son hired Leroy to plant our state flower White pine cone and tassels, in our yard. I thought it was just a practical joke at first but when I saw it from my second floor window I realized that it said something. It said “made you look”.



Emma: Well, I’ll line them both up. Wanna stand here so I can take a picture to make sure it works?



Regina: No, I’m good.



Regina: Besides, orange is more your color.



Emma: Oo, burn.



Regina: I heard about you making out with Graham in the front of Archie’s office. You should know that he came immediately to my place because he wasn’t satisfied with what you offered.



Emma: Maybe he was thinking about me when he was with you.



Regina: Well he was talking about a dog afterwards so maybe he WAS talking about you.



Emma: Oh. Never mind then.



Regina: And that’s how it’s done.



Graham: When Regina and I get married then this is where I’m going to hang my hammock. Right between these two columns.



Henry: Oh it’s you…um…my mom’s not here. You know I think you two would make a great couple. That’d be one less person for me to make disappear on the road to making Emma like Mr. Gold. Henry Gold…nice ring to itHenry Hopper just sounds like I’m a failed part superhero part frog.



Graham: Yeah. Fascinating. Actually I’m here to see you.



Henry: ……



Henry: Don’t they make school specials about these kinds of things?



Huntsman: Forests and Hills! What is WITH the queen’s love for leather? I can’t walk in these things without squeaking!



Huntsman: You know you could be like a million miles away by now. It took me three hours to figure out how to take all my armor off.



Snow: I was running but I realized I wasn’t wearing the right shoes. And then I took off my shoes and ran and then I realized I needed shoes. And then I realized that walking around in a bright white dress isn’t going to exactly hide me. Neither was my terrified screaming.



Huntsman: So…what are you writing?



Snow: I’m writing about my day in my diary.



Huntsman: I’m going to kill you and you’re…writing in your diary.



Snow: It’s also my Last Will and Testament. I’m giving all my castles and all my ponies to Maleficent. She always gave me such nice gift bags when she babysat me.



*Has horrifying mental images*



Snow: Will you give this to my stepmom?



Snow: I guarantee you that it won’t piss her off so much that she rips out your heart.



Snow: I learned how to manage her temper tantrums after she did that to me for a third time.



*Innocent Schoolgirl eyes*



Huntsman: So what’d you write?



Snow: Most certainly none of your business!



Huntsman: Well, let’s have a looksee.



Snow: For REAL?!



Huntsman: How do I know how to read?



Snow: You know I’m not getting any younger here.



Huntsman: Okay, try not to squirm when I’m literally cutting a hole in your chest. I’m sure it’ll look a lot worse than it feels.



Snow: *Tries not to laugh* Sorry, your facial expression is SO funny right now.



Snow: Uh…what’re you doing?






Huntsman: I was just kidding. Here’s a whistle. Will you be my girlfriend?



Snow: Uh….



Huntsman: Flowers die but whistles stay forever.



Snow: You’re not going to kill me, are you?



Huntsman: No. I-



Snow: SWEET!



Huntsman: Wait a minute! She didn’t give me an answer!



Henry: So I read the book cover to cover three times. Can you tell me why you’re asking me and not my mom to read to you like you usually do when you’re off in her bedroom together?



Graham: I uh…well…Hm….



Henry: Why are you suddenly asking me this?



Graham: I kinda saw a vision of things when I kissed Emma.



Henry: You kissed my mom?!



Graham: And then again after I had se…kissed Regina.



Henry: You kissed my OTHER mom?!



Graham: And then again after I…lost it and…hit on Mr. Gold



Henry: You hit on my STEPDAD?!



Graham: Yeah I’ve…been busy.



Henry: Well, I’m thinking that’s you. Don’t know how I couldn’t figure it out considering you have the same hair and all. But I guess this picture partially obscures your face. Seriously who holds a knife like that? Are you scratching?




Graham: So…that confirms it for me.



Graham: *Cries* I’m a fairy tale character.






Graham: Ooooo, what’s that?



Henry: That’s where the Evil Queen…a.k.a my adopted mother keeps mmmannnnnyyy secrets.



Graham: Then…why haven’t you tried to break in there to prove your case?



Graham: Duh!



Henry: Now that’s a good question.



Emma: Hey Graham! I’ve received a dozen different texts saying that you’re freaking everyone out.  So what gives?



Graham: You’ll never take me alive!



Emma*Is unfazed* What are you going on about?



Graham: I believe the Evil Queen ripped out my heart all based on the evidence that I’m seeing weird things and I can’t feel anything.



Emma: Oh no. Not you too.



Emma: I had such high hopes for you.



Emma: Might as well meet Mr. Gold for wedding invitations tomorrow.



Graham: You’re not listening to me!



Emma: Shouldn’t be too bad. I’ll be rich…Henry will be happy…I don’t have to work. I’ll be raising our creepy little children and…bringing him lunch in that stupid little shop with those stupid little puppets.



Graham: Isn’t this about me?



Emma: Why can’t anyone in this town just friggin’ be NORMAL?! It’s NOT THAT HARD TO ASK!



Graham: This is…you know, what part of my heart was ripped out don’t you understand?



Emma: Does that feel like you don’t have a heart?!



Graham: Nope.



Emma: Now you’re just being a smart mouth!
Graham: Gee, you don’t think taking a pulse was the FIRST THING I TRIED?!



Graham: But when we find the wolf that I’m following around to find the Evil Queen’s vault that has her mmmmaaannnnnnyyy secrets it’ll all work out!



Emma: *Thinks he’s insane* Uh huh.



Paxington the Wolf: S’up morons? How come no one else is freaking out that I’m walking in broad daylight?



Graham: Puppy! C’mere puppy! *Whistles*



Emma: Come back Graham! There may be hope for you yet!



Emma: Be careful Graham! The last time we played Cemetery freeze tag with the town you fell in an open grave!



Graham: Ow! Cramp! Cramp! I can’t believe we ran here!







Graham: Hey! I didn’t think about looking for a mausoleum looking place in a cemetery!
Emma: Graham, you know how I feel about running in these pants!



Graham: Let’s break in!



Emma: And play around with dead bodies like weirdoes? Sure….um…why not? It’ll just be college all over again.



Graham: Right! Hi ho, hi ho, it’s grave robbing we go!



Emma: Or you could just lay down on Archie’s couch while we measure you for a straightjacket.



Graham: Silly Emma. Straightjackets are for CRAZY PEOPLE.



Emma: High hopes? Crashed.



Emma: This is more for me than it is for you, Graham! I’m going to prove you wrong!  



Graham: Move out of the way woman!
Emma: My stitches!



 Graham: Well…the…decorum didn’t take long to get changed. Wasn’t she worried about people suddenly turning against her? Wouldn’t this be a BIG THING that might clue them in?



Evil Queen: Oh Good! You’re here!



Evil Queen: Pardon me if I don’t move more quickly, the royal help accidently shrunk my pants. So I killed them.



Huntsman: Is that your solution to everything?



Evil Queen: That offended me.



Huntsman: You know what offended me? This letter!



Evil Queen: I must not let him know that I can’t read Snow White’s cursive!



*What’s with her odd bangs?*



Evil Queen: Read it.



Huntsman: You do realize that I could just….say anything I wanted to right? Oh well. *Ahem*  Dearest stepmother, I know that you were behind this evil plot to kill me because I’m so good and pure that no one else would hate me enough to think it. Tee hee.



Evil Queen: Idiot.



Huntsman: I don’t blame you for what you did. Okay, I blame you a lot for what you’re doing because I know you’re going to turn my room into your personal massage parlor when I kick it.



Evil Queen: She knew my secret!



Huntsman: Also I want you to know that if you have me killed in cold blood then I will come back and haunt the living @#^@^ out of you.



Evil Queen: Enough of that!



Huntsman: Is it too late to say that I was sensing some animosity between you two?



Evil Queen: What is that smell?



Huntsman: Probably the rotting heart.



Evil Queen: Oh that’s right. I completely forgot I hired you for that.   



Huntsman: Here it is. In this little bag. Can I have that cleaned by the way? I use it for trick or treating.



Evil Queen: Mine!



Huntsman: So…no then?



Evil Queen: This makes me happier than the time Rumpelstiltskin and I got in a fight at Evil Inc. over some leather pants. And they didn’t fit him, and so he had to give them to me!



Huntsman: I wish I wasn’t such a visual thinker.



Evil Queen*Humming the Imperial March*



Evil Queen: C’mon you little drawer! Open for mommy!



Evil Queen: C’mon! You’re brand new! Don’t you make me call tech support!



Evil Queen: Work darn you!



Evil Queen: Wait…I recognize this!



Evil Queen: This is Bambi’s heart!



Emma
: I’m pretty sure the only thing here is the rotting corpse of Regina’s father and your hopes that we’re going to find something Graham.

Graham: Who would’ve thought that the ten year old I got all my information from would be wrong?!



Emma: Graham, let’s go. Don’t you make me hike all the way back home and get out my taser!



Graham: For the last time, I am PERFECTLY SANE.



Graham: Ever open a coffin before?



Emma: No. And I don’t plan to.



Graham: We’ll just tilt it, watch his body tumble out and I’ll be satisfied!



Emma: Oh really? Well I’ll be mortified.



Regina: I guess I don’t care too much about Graham’s breakdown, memory return, and disappearance because I took the time to go home, change, and visit my father’s grave.



Emma: Hi Regina!
Graham: We weren’t doing anything in here that would make you think that we were up to anything that would require us to be doing something we weren’t supposed to do.
Emma: What are you doing here?



Regina: What normal people do when they’re visiting cemeteries but I imagine you two clowns wouldn’t know anything about that.



Graham: Well since we’re at this point where it’s all kinds of awkward for everyone involved I think it’s time to tell you that we should see other people.



Regina: And let me guess. By other people you mean people that are new, just happen to be blonde, have rejected you more than once, and whose romance just kinda popped out of nowhere in the last couple of episodes.



Graham: Exactly!



Emma: Whoa, hold the phone that was actually romantic!



Regina*Glares*



Emma: I know. Bad timing.



Graham: now I’ve been practicing this speech in the mirror for a few years now. I just didn’t tell it because I hurt my reflection’s feelings.  



Graham: It’s not me. It’s you. It’s you a lot actually. And since other variables have been introduced I think it’s fair to say that I hate your guts….even though I don’t feel anything.



Regina: How dare you break up with me…WITHOUT ASKING MY PERMISSION FIRST?



Graham: Real men don’t ask permission of anything when it comes to asking soulless vampires!



Emma: Whoa!



Regina: *glares*



Graham: That’s right! I said it!
Emma: *Suppresses giggle*



Regina: Graham, you don’t know what you’re saying!
Emma: Superhero pose!



Regina*Bedroom Looks* We can go and put you in a shallow grave…I mean mental institution and you’ll be fine. And we’ll even send the funeral costs…I mean the hospital costs to Mr. Gold.



Regina: And you! I hope you’re proud of yourself. Not only have you turned my lover against me, but you’ve crossed me more than once, turned Henry against me, crossed me more than once, broke into my father’s mausoleum, broken Archie’s heart, given Mr. Gold the idea that he could actually be happy with you, made Henry want a stepdad and did I mention crosses me more than once?!



Regina: Like I said! I hope you’re happy.



Emma: Ecstatic.



Emma*Singsong voice* Grahammie loves me more than you!



Regina: ……



Emma*Smirks*



Graham: Don’t think to try anything Regina, I’m going to serve as her human shield and-



*Punches*



Graham: Ow! How did my body fly that hard into yours?!



Emma: RAWR



Graham: Oh boy! Chick fight!



Graham: Wait Emma, are you holding brass knuckles? Where did you get those? We’re not WWE!



Regina: Well, my night of laughing over my father’s coffin is RUINED now thanks to you!



Emma: Good!



Regina: Well, go following her like the sick puppy that you are, Old Yeller.



Graham: Didn’t they shoot Old Yeller at the end.



Regina: No, they shot Lassie.



Graham: Oh. Okay.



Graham: I have a confession to make. That chick fight? Was hot. I’ve never had women fighting over me but I have to say that it’s something I could get used to.



*Is in love*
Emma: You realize that you’re going to  have to do the same for me?



Graham: Oh I have no doubt that I will. Mr. Gold shouldn’t be a problem as long as Granny’s providing a challenge for him but I don’t think we can say the same about Archie. There’s always been a badass in him waiting to come out.



Emma: What if they team up.



Graham: No big deal.



*Is worried*



Emma: And we better discuss the matter of Henry before we go off and elope. He’s gonna be pissed. You didn’t even make his ‘top ten candidates to date my mom’ list. He made a poster and everything.



Graham: I’ll win him over with my charm.



Emma: No. No you won’t.



Graham: But I broke up with Regina! That’s commendable! By the way, were my memories returning because I was breaking away from her? Or because we’re soul mates.



Emma: Yeah…hubby to be? Let’s not spoil the moment.



Regina: Well…now that they’ve walked all the way back to the sheriff’s department, I’m pretty sure that I can go in! What was I waiting for?



*I refuse to believe that Regina visits this place and let’s spider webs grow*



Regina: Hm…what am I in the mood for?



Regina: I think I’m feeling a little murdery today.



Regina: Crap, is this thing stuck again?!



Regina: I’m remarkably okay at the idea that my entire cover was nearly blown tonight.



Evil Queen: How dare you try and fool me with the heart Bambi over the heart of a human. By the way, is there any difference between the two? Just curious.



Huntsman: Well how was I supposed to know the difference between a pure woodland animal and your stepdaughter?! She must’ve put her clothes on the deer and escaped! It’s the only possible explanation!



Evil Queen: Really? You expect me to believe that do you?



Huntsman: Whoa! Had to grab me there, didn’t you?



Evil Queen: Don’t make that sound dirty!



Evil Queen: I’ve only stolen your heart!



Huntsman: Any chance I could have that back?



Huntsman: Mmf! What?



Evil Queen: You taste like Oreo cookies! I have no idea why.



Graham: Why does my heart look like a toy you can get at a kid’s store or anatomy shop?



Evil Queen: If you ever try to run away or say no then I’m gonna squeeze your heart but good!



Graham: What happens if I just…sneak in here and take it back?



Evil Queen: Um…



Evil Queen: *Squeezes*



Huntsman: Ow! This must be what it feels like to eat at Applebees!



Evil Queen: *Pops* Oh crap, can we get a do-over?



Huntsman: Where are you taking me?



Evil Queen: I’ll be along in a minute. Let’s make this a good clean raping, boys
*Sorry, that’s the best thing I could come up with in light on such a horrible revelaton.*



Regina: The BEST part about being a villain? No expense is spared on the evil lair.



Regina: *Sigh* Ugh, which of these drawers has Graham’s heart? Kind of wish I’d made a list to who belongs in my drawers now.



Regina: Well, might as well squeeze everyone’s heart until I get the right one. Being a villain is so TEDIOUS.



Regina: Well, might as well get started.
*I kinda want some candy now*



Graham: You know, we’ve been staring at each other for three hours now…the 24 hour wedding chapel isn’t going to stay open all night you know.



Emma: We should practice our kiss.



Graham: HUH?!



Graham: you’re right. We’re putting the photo on the front page; I want to make sure I look good.



Emma: You’re not gonna keel over on me are you?



Graham: Wouldn’t dream of it!



*Kisses*



*Is flashed*



Graham: Epic whoa!



Emma: You’re Keanu Reeves now?



Regina: Yes! Glow my pretty! Glow! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



Graham: I remember everything!



Emma: Uh….



Graham: Henry was right!



Emma: Please don’t say he was right about Mr. Gold. Please don’t say he was right about Mr. Gold



Graham: Even though technically I’m as old as your mother at least and I’m the lover of your step grandmother, I think it’s perfectly fit to say that we’re soul mates.



Emma: Oh that’s so sweet!



Regina: Well…goodbye Graham. I’m kinda sad that TV Guide spoiled your death. *Squeezes*



Graham: I should let you know that I’m secretly a millionaire and I withdrew all my money today and put it in a very safe place under



*Dies*



Emma: Graham! No! Don’t you dare leave me alone in this town as the only sane person!



*Is dust*



Regina: I hate getting these things from Wal-Mart



Emma: Wake up Graham! Wake up! I don’t know CPR! Nor do I know 911. If you die I’m giving up!



Emma: I hate it when men die so that they don’t have to be with me!

The End





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  3. Excellent. I really enjoyed this. LOL. You somehow managed to make Graham's death funny, well done.

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