Gary: I can’t believe I got lost for three days before I could finally find my way here. You know, being the most important powerful guy in the world, one would THINK that they’d put him somewhere in the deepest dungeon not in a….cave with only a wooden door to keep him between the world and here. I searched the castles for three days before I realized he wouldn’t be there.
Fred: I REFUSE to play Battleship with Rumpelstiltskin again. I’m almost certain he wasn’t joking when he said we could gamble using my kids…..
Gary: You’re still here? What do you do all day?
Fred: *Is sort of creepy* Haunt your nightmares…..
*Um….Hakunnah Matata I guess? *
Fred: That’s disgusting! I hope he didn’t ask Belle to go dig those up to eat when he was free! Either that or Charming and Cinderella SUCK as royalty to their prisoners.
Fred: And what is this?
Gary: Um…part of a knitting tool? I’ve been smuggling things in for him to do. He said he was going to knit me a scarf because I’ve been so nice to him.
Gary: Please don’t hurt me!
Rumpelstiltskin: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA *Chokes* *Coughs* *Wheezes* Gah! My throat’s horribly sore! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Gary: What is he laughing at?
Fred: The Abridged Series. He’s been laughing for two days.
Gary: How is he reading them? He doesn’t own a computer!
Fred: Just feed him and go! And where’s my dinner?
Gary: Ugh, I can feel him breathing on me!
Gary: Here ya go Rumpelstiltskin, a nice bowl full of cafeteria food.
Rumpelstiltskin: Hiiiiiiii Gary!
Gary: *Is screaming like a traumatized girl*
Fred: And will I offer my services to help? Nope.
Grumpy: To the right! The other right! No! The other other right!
Grumpy: Don’t push me Dopey!
Grumpy: No seriously, I have KILLED for less.
Charming: The best thing about Rumpelstiltskin being in jail is that I can have all his leather pants.
Charming: Woah, I just got this weird feeling that the zebra behind me is sending me death glares.
Charming: Why are you two decorating the baby’s room? Don’t we have servants for this?
Grumpy: Snow thought it’d be funny to volunteer us. Hey, would it be morbid if I killed Dopey and stuffed him and put him in the corner?
Charming: Aw, it’s so cute how you all get along!
*Is a bit unsure about Grumpy*
Charming: Honey, I think we need new friends….
Snow: Ooooo, leather pants.
Charming: I know right? I certainly look better in them than Rumpelstiltskin.
Snow: Well, I wouldn’t say that….
Emma: What is that hairy Neanderthal doing on my beloved bumblebee?
Graham: Can I have a ride? I might be a little drunk…also I might need to get tucked in. You can also crawl in with me if you’re feeling a bit cold….
Emma: Well, so that makes two guys that have a crush on me in the extent of one night and I Have a creepy little son and a perfectly nice woman for a mother that he’s terrorizing. My day certainly feels complete.
Graham: I’m not moving from this spot until you say yes!
Emma: *Is checking him out* Well it’s going to suck for you when I climb in through the passenger side and get into the driver’s seat that way and drive off with you still leaning now won’t it?
Emma: *High pitched giggle*
*IS checking her out too*
Graham: Normally I’m not this forward but I wanted to get to you before any other creepy guys with accents and a strong penchant for charming women finds out that new blood is in the area.
Emma: You want to what?
Graham: Look, I Haven’t been willing with a woman in a very long time. Could you please just cut me some slack?
Emma: How would you like to be taken home cut into little pieces because that’s the only way you would fit in my trunk?
Emma: Wait…I have NO idea where that came from….
Graham: Yep, you’re Henry’s mother alright.
Graham: *IS sad* Mr. Gold’s going to be coming at you double hard now. He’s always wanted that boy for his son.
Graham: Well, I Might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Can I at least have a kiss goodnight?
Graham: Well that’s to be expected, I suppose that guys with solid jobs and a good place to live are a turn off for you.
*Circles around to get a full view*
Graham: *Opens door* Your carriage awaits….
Emma: I’m pretty sure I LOCKED that.
Graham: You did. You just left enough of the window down for me to unlock it and find your address.
Emma: This town is weird.
Graham: So is that a ‘no’ on the giving me a ride?
Henry: I keep having that night light on because I keep hoping that it’ll keep the evil queen away but all she does is come in here to unplug it and leave me to my nightmares. Little does she know that she should keep it in her room because I’m the biggest nightmare of all.
Regina: I don’t hear your crying in here!
Regina: Oh you need to get over it. I just framed up your mom to say something horrible when you came in the room. There’s absolutely NO reason to get all mopey about it!
Regina: Now get up! It’s time for therapy and I think you’ll need it now more than ever.
Regina: Because if you don’t go then Archie is going to feel bad about what he did to Emma and Mr. Gold and he are going to get drunk and let loose Pongo in our yard and I KNOW you don’t want to clean that up.
Henry: I’d rather just get drunk with them.
Regina: OH Henry, what kind of a mother would I be if I let that happen? You know I care about you.
Regina: Now go into therapy of I’ll make Sidney babysit you while I sneak off for some…council meetings with Graham. You don’t want THAT do you?
*Is rushing out of the bed*
Regina: Works every time.
Regina: Now that I’ve crushed your dreams, you can have this book back. Keep reading it like the little girl you are that way no one will take you seriously
Regina: Holy crap, that training is coming along better than I thought.
Regina: Here’s your book back, just don’t do that again!
Regina: He left me some toilet paper; that was thoughtful.
Mary Margaret: Look at him, he’s so dreamy.
Emma: Ehhh, I don’t see it.
Leroy: If I ever become an author, this will be my photo pose.
Emma: Hey, what’s that door over there with the keypad? Looks mighty suspicious….
Graham: I NEVER noticed that was there!
Graham: You ARE spectacular!
Leroy: And I work here….
Emma: Well I guess it’s time to focus on the John Doe thing….who wants to help?
Mary: Not it!
Sleepy: Not it!
Leroy: Not it!
Graham: Not it! Oh wait….I’m the Sheriff.
Graham: I need all available units to be on the lookout for a completely confused looking guy in a hospital gown that reveals all.
Leroy: Someone should tell him that that walkie is broken. And that there aren’t any other units except for him.
Mary: So about this John Doe hunting…
Emma: I thought you said ‘not it’?
Mary: I said it in the heat of the moment! Hunting after a completely hot guy with my new bestie?!?!?!?!??!?! I can’t pass that up!
Emma: Well…it’ll beat riding in the car with Graham completely by ourselves *Is a bit disappointed*
Mary: I call shotgun!
Graham: Whoa, whoa, whoa, only LOVE INTERESTS can ride shotgun!
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, no. I know what kind of man you are. And you will not be alone with my bestie because I know the things that go on in your dirty little minds! We’re going to hunt for David and you’re going to bring me along to chaperone!
Emma: *Is really disappointed*
Graham: *Is really REALLY disappointed*
Mary: And anyway, I’ve been staring at his face for 28 years so I know what he looks like. I know every side of him and every size and shape so I’ll be able to recognize him from a distance and I certainly know what he looks like in a…
Mary: *Looks around*
Mary: *Whispers* Hospital gown.
Mary: Now either you let me go with you or I’ll go myself!
Emma: Oh well if that’s the case…
Emma: See you, Mary!
Mary: Now is that any way to talk to your bestie in front of your new boyfriend?
Emma: *Annoyed exaggerated sigh* Sorry Mary….
Mary: Don’t. Let. It. Happen. Again.
Emma: She IS getting shotgun, isn’t she?
Jiminy’s Mom: Get in the car, Jiminy.
Jiminy’s Mom: Get in the car, Jiminy.
Jiminy’s Mom: Get in the car, Jiminy.
Jiminy’s Dad: Watch this! Hey Jiminy! Don’t walk backwards!
*Starts walking backwards to spite them*
Jiminy: Do you realize what we’ve done? I don’t know what’s worse! The fact that we just…awkwardly left that poor kid along with those abominations or the fact that Rumpelstiltskin is going to be along shortly to pick them up! Why couldn’t that have been a deleted scene? I think we all would’ve liked to see that poor kid’s face!
Jiminy’s Dad: Oh tosh! I’m sure Rumpelstiltskin will snatch the kid up and think he’s adorable and adopt him and in the end everyone is happy.
Jiminy’s Mom: I wouldn’t mind being adopted by him.
Jiminy’s Dad: I don’t think I like the implication of that statement, sweetheart.
*Is trying not to throw up at the idea of his new best friend and his mom being together.*
Jiminy: Okay! That’s it! I’m gone! I’m leaving! I’m SO TIRED of having images brain bleached from my head! Why do you think I’m in debt up to my eyeballs to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place and stole things from him? Because he was clearing those images from my mind all the time!
Jiminy’s Mom: Oh stop it! They’re going to trace that back to Rumpelstiltskin and they’re going to know it’s us….somehow.
Jiminy’s Dad: Yeah I might’ve…accidently left a circus flyer there.
Jiminy’s Mom: And so they’ll know the person who gave them the potion is you and you’ll live on the run.
Jiminy’s Dad: Because the APB technology in this land is phenomenal.
Jiminy’s Mom: Also we just FINALLY realized that you tried to kill us!
Jiminy’s Dad: Wait…Jiminy tried to kill us?
Jiminy’s Mom: …
Jiminy’s Mom: ANYWAY…..
Jiminy: Well that’s all I needed to hear, and I guess my hope for freedom is over.
Jiminy’s Mom: That’s our broken boy. Come give your mother a hug!
Jiminy: I think I’ll pass.
Jiminy’s Dad: Now is that anyway to treat your mother? She’s the most loving woman in the entire carnival.
Jiminy’s Mom: *Is threatening* And don’t you forget it. Your father made a great deal when I lowered myself to marry him.
Jiminy’s Dad: Wha-?
Jiminy’s Mom: ARE WE CLEAR ON THAT?!
Jiminy: *Is scared* Okay! Okay!
Jiminy’s Dad: Hey honey, when we tries to get in the car, let’s pull up further so he has to run to catch up with us. And then we do it again when he tries to climb in!
Jiminy’s Dad: *Starts giggling hysterically*
Jiminy’s Mom: Yep. Lowering myself.
Jiminy: Hm. I wonder if being best friends with Rumpelstiltskin means that I can hang at his place for a while.
Emma: Henry, I swear I’m going to kill you for this.
Henry: See what happens when you refuse to marry Mr. Gold ten seconds after saying you will?
Henry: Also I tried to look up feminine firefighters but the Google kid filter wouldn’t let me see any photos.
*Is struggling not to throw up*
Emma: Well it’s very….6th grade material.
*Tries to remember what grade her son is in so that will seem like a compliment*
Henry: Really?! You mean it?! Good! I spent like 5 years’ worth of allowance printing all of it up and plastering them all over town.
Regina: Spent all night in the hospital and all I got was a lollipop.
Henry: Quick! Take the blame for this, okay!?
Emma: I don’t want blame for this! It sucks!
Regina: I thought I locked you in the basement!
Emma: *Is trying to set the papers on fire without Henry noticing*
Henry: My papers!
Emma: Huh. Wonder who did that….
*I certainly hope Bradley the missing dog got found*
*And we all know that Archie and Gold happily contributed to the bowling cause*
*Heels and an ankle brace? Um….ow?*
Regina: Ugh, these are so tacky. Is this what you were doing on the newspaper computer and Sidney and I couldn’t have erm….council meetings?
Henry: I have no idea where that came from.
Emma: Let go of my hand Henry, I want to clear out of here before she starts glaring!
Regina: Oh Henry, sometimes you make me wish I’d adopted a girl!
Regina: *Tosses down*
Emma: That’s littering!
Regina: And you look like you’re soliciting with that getup and in front of my son too!
Henry: Emma! What’s soliciting?
Regina: Ask your other mom; I’m pretty sure she’s an expert on that.
Henry: *Is sad*
Emma: Dangit, I hate it when I insult her and she doesn’t hear me.
Belle: Get your hands off me, Rumpelstiltskin
Rumpelstiltskin: I can’t! You put superglue on my hands and tickled my nose to wake me up and I grabbed you when you run away! It’s not MY fault it dried! Now we’re stuck like this!
Belle: I COULD always just slip out of this outfit.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well that doesn’t help MY situation, does it?
Belle: It could….
Rumpelstiltskin: Is that my shampoo?
Belle: *Is guilty* Um….no?
Rumpelstiltskin: Then you won’t mind if I take a nice whiff to see if that’s really my cucumber melon?
Belle: That’s sort of creepy.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh get over it. I’m already groping you!
Belle: I really don’t want you to.
Rumpelstiltskin: Mmmmm, Belle!Smell
Belle: Well okay then….
Rumpelstiltskin: THIS IS MY SHAMPOO!
Emma: I’m going to beat Henry at thumb wars if it’s the last thing I do.
Regina: Since when did you start wearing clothes?
Ruby: It’s cold in here!
Regina: Stupid cold! *Glares*
*Is practicing her glare*
August: *Crawls out from under another table* Hey Emma!
Emma: You make a better door than a window, stubbles.
August: I heard about your roommate. IF you want someone to comfort you because she’s a cold blooded murderer, then I’ll be MORE than happy to lend a hand.
August: Among other things.
August: Henry is gonna be so pissed
August: Did that ruin the moment?
August: Hi Ruby. Oh, what a shame, you’re wearing clothes.
Ruby: Yeah, it’s cold in here.
August: Well you look nice anyway.
Emma: *Is jealous* Please.
Ruby: *Waves* Oh hey Emma, I didn’t see you sitting there!
Ruby: By the way, you will be receiving a bill for that shirt you stole when you were talking to Ella. Also I need my paycheck when I was working for you.
August: Isn’t she CUTE?!
August: Our puppies are going to be gorgeous and adventurous!
Emma: Not to mention wooden.
August: Yeah, keep rubbing that in…I mean- I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.
Emma: It’s not what you think.
August: You’re checking her out when you COULD be checking ME out?
Emma: Shut up! I’m working!
August: I could help….
Emma: You could help by getting out!
August: Is that what you really want?
Emma: Hm. No.
August: Hey Emma, I have a beard.
Emma: Oh, I’ve noticed.
August: I also have gorgeous blue eyes
*Is bugging his eyes out so that she can see*
August: I also wear leather and while I don’t have an accent and I’m not adorable like other men in this town and in your life. I also have a motorcycle and all that combination will make you want me since no one else really has that.
August: *Is satisfied that he has won her over*
Emma: Hm. Yeah. That’s nice. I’m trying to solve a MURDER.
Ruby: You might want to start being more subtle with your stakeouts. Regina asked me to kick you out if you glare anymore.
Emma: Dangit and I thought I was being sneaky.
Emma: Well I have cinnamon cocoa and Mary Margaret doesn’t….I guess I’ll just have to enjoy this for her.
Emma: Mmm, whipped cream, why can’t I just get married to you?
David: Just forty more of these to hold and then I can be just like Leroy.
David: Wait a minute, that’s sweet tea.
Ruby: I know idiot, you grabbed mine instead.
David: *Is nervous* My dead wife never allowed me to have sugar! Crap, I’m already desecrating her memory.
Regina: HI DAVID!
David: AHHHHH! *Leaps two seats down*
David: I mean um….hi?
Regina: Mind if I hang out?
David: Sure *Doesn’t mean it*
Regina: You seem really depressed. I’m sure I can help alleviate some of that stress
David: Okay! Kathryn always said you were a good talker.
Regina: Oh, talking isn’t what “I” have in mind!
David: Good, because I can’t talk and drink at the same time. Leroy won’t teach me now.
Regina: *Is irritated*
Regina: I’m just here to let you know that Kathryn isn’t the only friend I have here. WE can be friends….*Nudge nudge wink wink*
David: REALLY? So that means you’ll hear my feelings about Mary Margaret?
Regina: I don’t think our friendship is anywhere NEAR that solid.
Regina: “I” was thinking we could be friends only at night….
David: Why? Because you don’t want to be seen with me.
Regina: Come on David, it’s you. Of course I don’t want to be seen with you.
David: Just like Kathryn used to say….
Regina: Oh I’ll make SURE you forget your wife for a while…
David: You know who also made me forget about my wife? Mary Margaret.
Regina: Oh David, stop talking….
David: *Starts crying* That’s what both of them used to say!
David: Whoa! You’re giving me WEIRD feelings!
Regina: Yes, it’s called-
David: I think I like it!
David: Wait, no I don’t!
David: I’m leaving, Ruby.
Ruby: But you didn’t pay!
David: Regina will pick up the tab.
David: You were such a help, Regina!
Regina: Pick up the tab, will you?
Sidney: Why do I have to-?
Sidney: Um…where did she go?
Sidney: Dishwashing duty again.
Mary: Whistle while you work *Whistles*
Emma: It’s moments like this that I appreciate the silence that is now at our penthouse.
Mary: Hey bestie! How did framing Regina go!
Mary: Let me guess, you left the shovel in the shed and when you came back it was gone. Why am I not surprised?
Emma: That made me feel sad.
Mary: Dear heavens, you’re so inept that I…I have to sit down!
Mary: I knew I should’ve trusted Gold a lot sooner when he asked me if it was alright to kill Regina brutally as long as I disposed of the body!
Emma: Oh don’t be a baby! IT’s just a setback!
Mary: I knew I should’ve just run for it when I had the chance! I might’ve gotten away with it to!
Emma: For heaven’s sake Mary, you got kidnapped two minutes after you escaped. Just think of what happened if you were out for five!
Emma: Did I just say that out loud?
Emma: Easy there Mary, just about burst my eardrum. So what if we can’t find the shovel and I gave away my plan right as I realized it was gone?! It’ll be okay. I told Mr. Gold to start disfiguring a shovel to look exactly like the one that was missing.
Emma: *Is depressed* He squealed, giggled, called me his girl, said I was ‘learning’ and then talked about how happy we’re going to be together and started naming baby names.
Mary: How exciting for you! I’LL never have babies now!
Emma: You can have mine! I don’t think even the house will have enough room for all the kids he listed.
*Is hoping that makes her feel better*
Emma: Hey Mary, wanna hear about my date with August?
Mary: GET OUT!
Emma: Hm. Maybe that was inappropriate…
Mary: GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
Emma: FINE! Fine! Even though I work here….
Emma: I have to see how the shovel deformation is going. I just hope Mr. Gold doesn’t shut the door behind me, lock it, and pretend he forgot the key outside. Again.
Regina: Ugh, it took me an hour to find a place to park my broomstick outside. What is UP with the relationship with those two anyway?
Mary: EMMA, I NEED A TISSUE!
Luckily David's too dumb to be seduced.