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Saturday, February 16, 2013

120 - The Stranger

*Why can’t the bolt locks at MY apartment look that cool? One of them doesn’t even work!*

Emma: Um…if you want to jump in here and look all superheroy and sexy then you might want to face the other way so that we can see you….

August: Sorry! I call do-over!
Emma: He’s so dreamy!
Mary: Yes. He. Is.

August: So which of you ladies wants to thank me first?!

Emma: Not me.
Mary: I’m still plowing into cookie dough from my last breakup. No.

August: *Is bummed* Well…in case you guys are interested, I got this from a woodshop class in school….which kind of had to close down early when one of the kids decided to trip their nails with the table saw…what a mess…

August: But good news is that no one can get through that door…unless they have a chainsaw…sledgehammer….shotgun…key…window climbing skills…

Mary: Well, now that August has done everything we want him to, I think it’s time that we give him a bit of coffee…maybe we’ll feed him if he gives us a decent butt shot.

Emma: So there.

August: You know that I’ve been working on this thing for twelve hours….and these apples look good.
Emma: They’re wax.
August: Fine by me.

August: You know what’s NOT fine by me? You wasting our time together by talking about getting custody of your kid when it could be about you admiring my dashing blue eyes.

Emma: How is it that YOU know? What, did I just walk around telling everyone?

Mary: What? August and I had caffeine together…I don’t remember all of anything I’ve said…

Mary: Now…are you ready to be Henry’s mother? And by mother I mean that I’ll probably be babysitting him most of the time.

Emma: You know me so well.

Mary: *Sarcasm*

Henry: Hey mom, you’re aware that you’ve had your hand on the button and I can hear everything you say?

*Is annoyed*

Emma: Go HOME Henry!
Henry: I AM home! Let’s go meet at the diner!

Emma: I regret sacrificing my freedom before this plan even gets off the ground…
Henry: I can still HEAR you, mom!

 Emma: Stay away from me August. If people see me on the street chatting with you then my fiancé is going to go off on a drunken tangent at 3 in the morning on the phone and I’m going to have to listen to some odd tale about how he beat you up after you two were embracing in the forest and I don’t even WANT to ask about that…

August: Oh Emma, you could always do with a little more sexiness in your life.
Emma: Well I don’t know about that. Have you SEEN my fiancé? No wait, I didn’t mean that!

August: What does he have that I don’t?
Emma: Income for starters.

August: I have a nice smile *Demonstrates*
Emma: Boring. It’s not ambiguous enough.

 August: *Is purposefully getting closer* I can take you off to exotic locations. Can he do that?

Emma: Hands to yourself, wise guy.

Emma: Anyway, where could you possibly take me that didn’t involve the “World’s biggest ball of twine?”

August: If I told you, you would NOT want to come with me.

Emma: And my creepy quota just got filled. Goodbye August.

August: What?!

Emma: *Is screaming* Hey kid! So what’s this about our operation of doom?!

Henry: My heavens you’re a blabbermouth! Why did I even hire you?

Emma: Probably nepotism. Remind me why we’re meeting in a very public place to talk about things that you think are supposed to be secret even though Regina knows everything that goes on in this book?

Henry: Mom put a padlock on the refrigerator when I tried to poison her filet mignon. She gets really angsty about silly things like that.

Emma: Yep that old regret that I felt when I gave birth to you is starting to return.
Henry: You wanna know WHY I want Mr. Gold as my dad besides his style and awesomeness? I think he’s the only adult in this abridged series that doesn’t insult me or threaten me all the time.

Henry: Anyway, I called you down here to tell you that a new story has been added.

Emma: You’re just noticing this now?!

Henry: I’ve barely been in this show since I gave exposition, leave me alone.

Emma: You can have the room with the balcony when Gold and I get married.

Henry: Yes! Wait, how do you know the layout of his house?

Emma: Watch your mouth Henry.

Geppetto: Keep rowing Pinocchio! Builds character!

*Dear Lord….what is THAT?!*

*My soul dies a little more every time I stare at that abomination of nature*

Monstro: I have my eye on you!

Geppetto: We have to abandon ship! Swimming around in unpredictable waves with a whale with sharp teeth in the middle of a storm is FAR safer!

Pinocchio: No dad! I’m made of hollow wood! I’ll float!
Geppetto: Well here’s an idea, how about I hold onto the life raft with one arm and then hold onto you with the other?

Pinocchio: Save yourself old man! I’m tired of being your free labor!

*The trailer shot for “Free Willy 12: Free Willy’s Revenge” *

*And once again, Geppetto wakes up on the beach with no idea how he got there and unsure about how much he had to drink the night before*

*Is it ever explained how Pinocchio…died? He has no vital organs! How did he even talk or move? Magic? With no muscle mass or vocal chords? Then how did he die if he was controlled by magic? When they do an autopsy how will they determine how he died? Rigor Mortis is like…forever with him. Although it was nice that his little hat washed up on shore…*

Geppetto You died with that creepy look on your face! It’s gonna be a closed coffin funeral!

 Blue Fairy: Oh, did he DIE? Sorry, I was off laughing at Nova.

Geppetto: Please heal him! I haven’t had the chance to ground him yet!

Blue Fairy: Well I couldn’t turn your dead parents back to humans, but this seems to be a completely different case for some reason. Being the 'Ultimate Power' is so tedious.

*Looks absolutely nothing like August*

Geppetto: Ugh, that wasn’t what I imagined for him at all.

Pinocchio: *Pouts* Thanks dad.

Blue Fairy: *Mocking laugh* He’s like putty in my hands now.

Blue Fairy: Now kid, be brave and courageous and honest and you’ll always be a kid…

Geppetto: Uh…isn’t that a lot of pressure to put on a kid? What’s the point of even being a kid if he can't BE a kid?

Pinocchio: Can I have a drink of water?

Blue Fairy: Aw, it’s so heartwarming. I can’t wait till I screw this up for everyone involved.

Pinocchio: NO dad, this hat is embarrassing.

*Unless Ratatouille is hiding out in there, taking this long for a close-up is kind of unneeded.*

*Witness the shocking revelation of something that everyone already guessed when they knew that he wasn’t Bae.*

August: I can’t believe I kept this stupid little hat. Wearing it is probably why I got beat up in high school a lot.

August: Well, time for me to do my daily duty.

August: Hey Mr. Gold, do you have Prince Albert in a can? You DO?! Well you better let him out!

Gold: Knock it off August, I have Caller ID! I know it’s you!

August: Dangit! *Hangs up*

August: Well time to graffiti his building.

*Checks self out in mirror real quick*

August: No! I’m hideous!

*And some people thought his acting was wooden*

August: ugh, I can’t bear the thought that Mr. Gold is going to place me in the window of his shop with my arms around Geppetto’s parents when I die.

Mary: This is so satisfying! To be back with ungrateful kids and their parents that spoil them rotten and backs their snot-faced brats up even though the kids are the ones in the wrong! I’ve missed this!

Regina: Dangit, you turned just as I was going to stab you in the back.

Mary: Oh yes, the temptress that tried to frame me. You know I’ve been hanging out with Henry a lot more now and I think I should tell you that if you try to hurt me again then there are no one in this town that will ever be able to find your body. And I will be celebrated as a hero by the town and they will carry me up and down the street on a throne and make a parade, and make a holiday…it COULD be national if I’m awesome enough…

Mary: But I should tell you first that I forgive you. Because as the paragon of purity and goodness, that means I get to be the bigger person and really rub it in your face.

Regina: I’m surprised you didn’t add a little ‘tee-hee’ at the end of that.

Mary: Because some things just don’t need to be said! BY the way, have I forgotten that you practically admitted to framing me in episode 18?

Henry: Ugh, who invited you? I told Mr. Gold to come to show and tell. You weren’t supposed to get the memo.

Regina: I brought you your lunch. And by that I mean I ran to the store and threw whatever was on sale in there because I refuse to cook if I’m not being manipulative.

Henry: Um…that’s not my lunchbox. That’s Graham’s.

Regina: Sit here so that I can tell you my plan to get you transferred out of Mary Margaret’s class even though I know that you’ll react badly to the entire idea.
*Produce placement*

Henry: Why don’t you want me in her class?

Regina: Do you really have to ask that Henry? Really?

Henry: *Henry Glare*

Regina: Oh dear heaven!

Henry: You’re starting to run out of options aren’t you? You’re starting to freak out! Ooooo, this is goooood! I’m not changing classes even though I have no power in the situation. If it comes to it I will glue my butt down in the seat and nail the legs down!

Regina: Oh…well…I give up.

 *Hey I never noticed those three swords. I wonder if Gold challenges people to duels…and is it really a good idea to have swords with the pointed end right OVER the light switches?*

Gold: Ah Mr. Loser. I was just setting up everything in place to show that I have the upper hand.

Gold: Low five, Marco.

Marco: Polo?
Gold: I wish I had a camera for this moment. However you guys thing might’ve thought that suspicious. And I’m a master at subtlety

August: Daddy?

Marco: Um….no?

Mr. Gold: Oh, this is twice as much fun as mocking Regina and only half as fun as making Emma squirm.

August: Dramatic turn!

Marco: You people are weird. Your parents would be ashamed of both of you.

August: Daddy…don’t…leave….

Gold: So you didn’t even bother being his son before you pretended to me mine. Low August. Almost as low as demanding that I separate from my darling fiancé.

August: Do you even love Emma?

Gold: Would that piss you off?

August: Beyond any doubt.

Gold: Well then our love is made up of happy loving us being together…and money…and succession on the throne.

August: How did you even suspect me?

Gold: I looked at my fairy tale checklist and realized I was missing a couple of people. Then I sat down to Disney’s Pinocchio with Henry during ‘daddy/son time and wondered ‘Hey! Whatever happened to that guy?!’

Gold: Boy, does it feel good to have power over you.

August: Well I need Emma to believe but she’s only concerned about this Henry stuff that isn’t even at the top of my ‘that’s interesting’ list. I need you to shoot her hopes down when she wants to hire you.

Gold: So…you want me to turn her down on her hiring me and somehow that’s going to make her open up and be more inclined to listen to you?  Wouldn’t she be even MORE focused on trying to save Henry if I refuse her every request? And don’t think that this is going to make her break up with me because all I have to day is say ‘Jefferson’ and she remembers how great I am.

August: *Manly Man Jaw* Please?

Gold: *Giggles*

Gold: *Laughs*

Gold: *Goes into hysterics*

August: He’s…rolling on the floor laughing. I thought that was just an internet euphemism

Gold: *Pulls self-up* I’m okay!

Gold: But I can’t wait to see you try that though. Can I watch when you utterly fail at convincing her?

August: Just…do what I told you to do.

Gold: Oh don’t worry. Emma’s letting me nudge her now without grabbing my fingers and twisting them painfully. I just don’t really relish the idea of nudging her towards you. But a gentle nudge…I shall provide…if you know what I mean.

*Is it just me? Or is this clock kinda…ugly? No wonder Mr. Gold couldn’t sell it.*

Mr. Gold: Please just buy it! Please!

Emma: No! That’ll clash with my décor.

Mr. Gold: I’ll break off the engagement if you do!

Emma: I’m STILL not that desperate.

Geppetto: Pinocchio, all you have to do is plug it in.

Jiminy: This is the only way that Rumpelstiltskin will convince me to babysit!

Geppetto: Pinocchio! How did you get him in there? How long was he in there? How did you tie the knots? How did you get him to sit still? Do you realize what the Allied Cricket Legion Union is going to do now?

Jiminy: If…if you guys knew who my best friend was, then you wouldn’t do that to me!

Pinocchio: You mean your JAILED best friend?

Blue Fairy: My cleavage was promised extra coverage this episode.

Pinocchio: I tried to be good! As you can see, me actually trying to be good took less time than me giving up and tying up the grasshopper but it’s the thought that counts right? Isn’t that something you fairies go by? That and teachers who try to teach math and partial credit to those who tried to show their work because they pity you?*

Blue Fairy: Get lost squirt.
*Um...I never try to notice these things but….is she wearing stripper shoes?*

Pinocchio: Fine. Arkham City was on pause anyway.
Jiminy: I’ll go with you. Even though my council might be required, I’m going to go run off with the kid.

Blue Fairy: So…how’re things?

Geppetto: Why couldn’t you have hacked into Pinocchio’s mind and installed a cheat that allowed him to learn how to clean his room and not touch my tools because it’s getting tedious now that I can’t threaten him by saying I’ll turn him into a fire hydrant.

Blue Fairy: Actually I’m here for less pressing matters than you failing to raise your son to my strict orders. I need you to build a wardrobe that’ll fit an oblivious person and his pregnant wife.

Geppetto: So I have to build it for the king and queen then?

Blue Fairy: You’re so smart Geppetto! And can you kind of get a move on? I need you to get it done before a certain curse hits at a certain time which I have set to determine because I’m not as powerful as I led you all to believe.

Geppetto: Anything to save my boy! I’ve…already lost so much!

Blue Fairy: Oh stop whining! You won the lawsuit with Rumpelstiltskin and he SAID he was sorry! He even took them off your hands so that you wouldn’t wake up in fear that their creepy selves were standing over you!

Emma: So…*Almost throws up* honey, I want you to take the case to get custody of our son.

Mr. Gold: I can’t believe you promised him the BALCONEY room!

Mr. Gold: *Doesn’t want to say next words* I don’t want him running around my house breaking my things with his little peanut butter and jelly hands anyway!

Emma: What?! What happened to ‘He’ll be the heir of the Gold Empire’, huh? You didn’t seem to mind having him over during daddy/son time! You bounce him on your knee! Even the bad one when you forget!

Mr. Gold: Um…it was during Show and Tell when he put me in front of the class that I figured it out. Especially when he said “Hey everyone, Henry Gold here, and I don’t have anything to show for Mother’s day. So I just brought my dad to glare at you all because I’m so proud of him.” Given the theme was for women, I was a bit insulted.

Emma: I told him to do that to you as a joke! I didn’t think he’d actually do it!

Mr. Gold: And besides, we’re going to be newlyweds! When I finally succeed in seducing you, I don’t want anything interrupting our blissful yearlong honeymoon.

Mr. Gold: Unfortunately I’m not the man for the job you want.

Emma: You HAVE to be the right man for the job; you’re like the only lawyer!

Mr. Gold: *Is smug* Oh that’s right isn’t it? Only man for you. Now you know how it feels when someone else is playing hard to get!

Emma: This isn’t funny! Wipe that smirk off your face!  I even wore the turtleneck you like in order to influence you! You can’t refuse! And I came in here willingly without threatening to taser you! That has to count for something, right? I’ll even renew our diner date.

Mr. Gold: I told you when you wore it on our first Valentine’s Day together that it made you look fat.

*Is trying to Henry!Glare*

Emma: So take that!

Emma: And expect to sleep in a completely different room on our wedding night!

Mr. Gold: Mmm, I hate watching her go. but I SURE love watching her leave.

August: I’m in the bathroom, what do you WANT?!

August: Emma! Um…I was just…sandpapering my legs.

August: Hey, I didn’t say you could come in!

Emma: *Actual Dialogue* Show it to me!
August: Wha’-? Now?

Emma: Ew August! I didn’t mean THAT!

 David: Ah, today feels like a good day for epic failing!

Regina: Oh no, my car BROKE DOWN. If only there was SOMEONE who could help!

David: Well Mary and Emma both hiss when her name is mentioned and the sky darkens for a second, but I see no reason why I can’t go over and help!
*Seriously, is David the present day Henry Sr.? Did everyone forget to tell him that Regina set up his girlfriend to take a murder rap when his wife disappeared?*

Regina: Ugh, I can’t even look at him without laughing *waves*

Regina: It won’t start!
David: Did you try turning the ignition?

Regina: Oh no kidding David? Turn the ignition? What a technological genius! I’ll bet people everywhere are paying unnecessary bills at a garage because they didn’t think to turn the car on!

David: Heh. She said I’m a genius.

*Turns ignition*

David: Nothing happened. Oh well, I give up.

Regina: Yeah don’t think too hard David, you’ll hurt yourself.

David: Words to live by!

Regina: Perfect. If that tramp can seduce this twerp then I have my work cut out for me.

David: So…sorry about abandoning your car about in the middle of the road but we just HAD to save your ice cream.

Regina: How would you like some lasagna?

David: Well even though I feel that lasagna’s better than sex, I have to pass. I think I feel my soul icing over just by chatting with you.

Regina: Well…took you longer than the others but…you noticed which is progress I suppose.

Regina: I don’t think I’m going to leave the shower for days when I’m done doing this.
David: Wow you’re a diva. There’s nothing wrong with my truck, I told you that!

Regina: Let’s see, what does he say? Dear Mom, Show and tell went amazingly when you were there. You are truly the best mother in the world and I don’t deserve because I’m a horrible disappointment. If you didn’t love me, then you would let me go live with my equally horrible disappointing mother and her magnificent…I mean malignant fiancé. How I am lucky. Signed Henry. P.S. I forgot the point of this message was to tell you that I’m not making it for dinner because I’m hanging with Archie and would rather have fast food than a good home cooked meal. 

Regina: I sort of regret not having Sidney to write these, but I think I made it sound realistic.

David: I thought you said Henry wrote it.

Regina: That’s what I like about you David. I can say anything I want to out loud and you don’t care.


Regina: Wait! That wasn’t an insult! Okay it sort of was …

David: No, it’s okay. I was just remembering the time my mom wanted to spend time with me and I didn’t want to spend time with her, so when we were in the middle of the freeway, I jumped out, rolled, hopped over cars, trespassed on private property when I was running, got shot at, got shot and then spent a week in the hospital. It’s a phase, I’m sure he’s fine.

Regina: *No longer has to act in order to feel depressed*

David: See ya, Reg!

David: Will there be cheesecake for desert?
Regina: Yes.

David: And…Ping-Pong?
Regina: I…guess?

David: SWEET! I’m in!

Blue Fairy: This is conveniently the last tree of its kind…and completely different than anything else in this wooded area.

Gepetto: Hey, I think I carved my kid out of this tree’s brother!

Blue Fairy: Yep and you’re gonna carve a wardrobe out of this one. Get to work. Don’t ask about pay because the curse is going to swallow you up and oh yeah…no health insurance either. You work for nobility now. You really rate.

Geppetto: Wait a minute! I just remembered that if the curse takes place then I could lose my boy. Is that a possibility?

Blue Fairy: Dude, I don’t know, I just put on the stilettos and come to the green screen.

Geppetto: Look at that little face! I’m not going to do it unless my son gets to go too.
Pinocchio: Well, what are ya gonna do when your dad is Master Bra’tac?

Blue Fairy: Really? We’re having this argument? Oh what am I saying? Why did I even come to the only wood cutter in town with the most to lose in this situation? And why can’t I just wave my arms and make this wardrobe myself?

Jiminy: Only reason I’m here is for continuity. Otherwise I’m sure I’d be working much harder to keep Emma’s family from getting separated.

Blue Fairy: You disgust me. It’s perfectly okay when “I” don’t tell people everything they should know about a situation they’re about to get themselves into, but when I’m FORCED to do it, now that crosses a line!

Geppetto: Hey Jiminy, how about that five bucks you owe me?

Jiminy: Come and take it!

*Are squaring off*

Geppetto: It’s time I squash you like a bug!

Jiminy: You only think you’re tough because you haven’t seen the heat I’ve been packing. I’ve been waiting to do this for YEARS.

Blue Fairy: Are you all QUITE done?!

Geppetto: I guess.

Jiminy: Rats.

*Old scene*

Red: Like…if we’re frozen in time then it means that Emma and I will be besties too!
Granny: Shut up Red.
Red: *Sings* Besties are the greatest! Hooray!
Granny: Oh go put the real cloak that’s actually enchanted before you wolf out on everyone.

Jiminy: He thinks he’s so smart. Well he’ll see. I may be absent for most of the midseason, but he’ll be gone even LONGER!

Emma: You know, I would much prefer we exchange life stories in a place where everyone knows where I’m at!

August: Oh, take a leap of faith and take a risk!

Emma: Words spoken by every serial killer I’ve ever met!

August: Yes, but do they have nice smiles? *Demonstrates*
Emma: *Groans* Let’s just get going!

*Think of the aneurysm Henry would have if he knew there were….*Gasp* LEAVING STORYBROOKE!*

Good lord, that was the third pan of lasagna. How much can this man eat?

David: Well that was positively the best lasagna I ever had. Mostly because Kathryn never made me any because she was annoyed with how much I’d flirt with other women.

Regina: *Gritted teeth* Well, I can’t wait to see you demonstrating that

David: Oh yay! I’ll clear off the table and we’ll play charades then!

Regina: *Is mentally crying*

David: *Is singing opera*

David: Look Regina, I’m an airplane! Bzzzzzzpppppp!
*Did Regina lock Henry in the basement or something? This entire plan pretty much hinges on him not running in*

David: Boy Regina, I’m so glad you’ve been there for me these past two couple of weeks even though we’ve had about one scene together. I think everyone just forgot to let me know that you’re evil because of that silly event in which I called Mary Margaret a murderer. But I should say that you’ve been real great.

Regina: I HAVE, haven’t I?

David: *Beams obliviously*

Regina: I never told you how I found you, did I? I’m the only one that knows what happened. Not even Dr. Whale and he was the one treating you.  Well, here we go…um…Henry ran away when he was one. He was smart for that age, the ungrateful brat. And so when I was out in my jammie-jams, searching the entire woods for him…um…I found you. Yeah, at that playground that I ripped down earlier this season. You were lying at the bottom of the slide. Apparently…um…you went sliding face first and kind of connected to the cold ground. Your little tush was sticking up in the air...it was so cute.  

David: Yeah, that sounds like something I’d do.

Regina: Ugh. I mean…Mmmm; your near hypothermia makes me so hot.

David: Should I turn the air conditioner on?  


David: *Is trying to look aggressive* Gimme my wallet back! And my underwear!

Regina: David, you probably just forgot to put them on this morning.

David: I don’t blame you for losing control. I know I’m sexy.

Regina: I wonder if anyone saw him hanging with me. It’d be just so much easier to kill him.

David: Don’t feel embarrassed! I’m sure Emma, Mary, august, Henry, that weird Scottish guy that trips me all the time, and myself will all be laughing about this in the morning!
Regina: *Is making plans to throttle him*  

Regina: Is that what my hair looks like?


Regina: Henry! Got a mess for you to clean up! 

Blue Fairy: Hey! Our incredibly flawed plan just got another hole ripped in it. Snow is going into labor.

Geppetto: Well make it stop!

Blue Fairy: It’s time I tell you. I’m not really a fairy. I’m just a deformed dragonfly who happens to look human and I really can’t do all of that ‘ultimate power’ stuff. So I’m going to go fit the other fairies for their costumes and you stay here and own up and take the fall for yourself.

Geppetto: No! Better to let them be orphans in a land that they won’t recognize then risk letting my son become a tree based on a curse that will be broken if I do what I’m supposed to do!

Blue Fairy:  Yeah loser, because what better protection can our savior have than a six year old that bends to peer pressure!

Pinocchio: I can’t believe dad insists that we dress the same. So embarrassing.

Blue Fairy: Well fine, I suppose I could come clean or somehow stop you from going through with this now that the wardrobe is complete, but the strain would be too much.

 Pinocchio: Dad! I don’t want to go to the real world looking like this! I want to blend in! Can you make me a hat that can hold two soda cans on the sides? I’m sure that’ll make me the coolest person in the foster home!

Geppetto: Son…*Sniffles* In 28 years, you will look SO different.

Geppetto: And no matter what happens, you must be brave, truthful, and unselfish. So don’t become a lawyer or a politician son, that’s just asking for punishment.

Pinocchio: Daaad, can’t I get my 3DS first?

Jiminy: Still here to fulfill my contractual obligational continuity! Also I’m the real one who built this wardrobe…

*I’ll bet the kid folds in about 20 minutes*

Pinocchio: Worst timeout ever.

Geppetto: You don’t screw this up too badly son, then I’ll look at you with pride! And probably…confusion….and nausea…

Pinocchio: I really wish someone actually sat me down to tell me what to do in order to protect Emma. I know these adorable good looks aren’t going to last forever….and I’ll have to actually do something with my life….

Pinocchio: I’m SO bored.

Geppetto: Boy, that was easy. I should’ve done this sooner when I was angry at him.

*Buttshot….for those of you that might be attracted to him*

Emma: Are we there yet August? I think I Lost feeling in my legs an hour ago.

Emma: Um…why are we here? You KNOW what happens when I look at the kinds of food that can look at me right back! My allergic reaction kicks in! Do I even NEED to remind you of that crawdad spectacle?

*Waves hair in the wind*

Emma: Hey! I’m talking to you! I’ve been asking you what the heck was going on for the past eight hours but you keep on threatening to leave me on the side of the road! And then you actually did!

August: Knock it off with the questions Emma! I’m not done sexily straddling things yet!

August: Anyway! Why are we here *Ahem* *Actual dialogue* I think you know

Emma: Ummm….NO! If I knew, would I be asking?!

August: This is my story!

Emma:  Uh….

August: Oh! I just realized how bad that sounded! I wasn’t the girl baby found on the side of the road! This is your story too!

August: I’m the one that found you!

August: You may thank me in any way you see fit.

*Witness the shocking revelation that everyone already guessed as soon as they saw the promo pics.*

*So if this is some kind of teleportation, wouldn’t Pinocchio die inside that tree as soon as he materialized in it?*


Pinocchio: Did the tree just fart me out?

*This scene is the real explanation of why the plane from Lost crashed*

Pinocchio: What the heck is that?!


*Three hours later*

Pinocchio: Whooo! Freedom! *wavy arms dance*

Baby!Emma: Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!

Pinocchio: Aw! Shh Emma! You’re awful big for a newborn!

Pinocchio: You’re blanket is awfully clean too. Good thing I happen to know how to carry a baby.

Pinocchio: How long am I going to be walking? This baby is practically as big as I am!

Emma: Why are we in the woods?
August: Heh. Well if you have to ask THAT!

Emma: We’ve been walking in circle for four hours August.
August: We’re not lost! I’m just trying to make you think we’re going in deeper than what we really are.

Emma: Yeah. Because you looking around frantically, going ‘where is it? Where is it?’ and then curling up on the ground crying really convinced me.

August: Tell me Emma….do you have any dreams about…trees?


Emma: Omigosh! How did you know?!

August: Oh, no reason. You were rescued by me, how used to be a tree. And then I lied to protect you….or something…I guess I was afraid that the tree would come back and get you or something I was kinda stupid and traumatized back then….

Emma: You must be Pinocchio! So let me get work this out in my head, Disney’s Pinocchio pulled a knife on Rumpelstiltskin last episode. Yeah, that’ll ruin a few childhoods….

August: *Is proud of himself* I lied about where I found you and I’ve been lying ever since!
*Guess I was right about that 20 minutes thing*

August: I even stole your kid’s book and got the font and page illustrations exactly right so that he didn’t notice until like 7 episodes later!

Emma: So you rescued me as a baby, stole my kid’s book, lead my fiancé into the deep dark woods, led me in deep dark woods, and you think you’re going to enlighten me, huh? Yeah, there certainly are no strings to hold you down!

August: Showing you this hollow tree will make you believe! You know, it kind of brought us into this world…should we call it ‘mother’?

Emma: Aw, I’m so used to the nutcases now that it’s…starting to get endearing now.

August: I knew that it was time to come when you decided to stay when pain started shooting down my leg. I knew exactly when you were going to stay. I ALSO happen to know that you were wearing jeans, a red leather jacket, and you were hoping that the Walking Dead wouldn’t be disappointing for season 2 but you were wrong…wait maybe that was me.

August: But you’re responsible for everyone’s happiness and safety and only you can take down the evil queen and all her cohorts! No pressure!

Emma: High hopes…such high hopes.

August: Trees and wood carvings!  I didn’t count on the idea that she’d actually think I was insane!

August: Wait Emma!

*Pretends his wooden leg took over to hide the fact that he just tripped*

Emma: Oh for heaven’s sake! Get up! You’re supposed to be my ride! At least when Gold lures me into places to convince me to do things, at least they’re clean!

August: Hey Emma! I got wood!

Emma: On the forest floor?! Ewwwww!

August: *Drums hands on legs for no reason* I’m guessing that you aren’t warming up to the idea of being the savior.

Emma: And why would I want to be the savior? I think I’ve established that every time I go head to head with the villain, I come away the loser! That is unless I team up with the other villain and you expect me to want to save the town?

August: Yeah, about that….um…Gold put me up to this. Yeah, I’m blaming him.

August: Well, you didn’t want Henry and now that’s changed!

Emma: I’m pretty sure that wanting your biological kid that lives in the house of a sociopath who’s not afraid to hurt him in order to get to me, and wanting to help an ENTIRE TOWN OF ADULTS is completely different, August. Your logic sucks!

August: My manly man leg will make you believe!

August: Now take a good look, because the termites out here are murder!

*And it was written that day that Emma decided to love Mr. Gold with all her heart and for lack of better men and nothing could ever hope to change her mind.*
*Unless Archie took her back*

Emma: August, that’s your leg.

August: Wow, then you need to get your eyes checked. How can we see anyway? We’re in the middle of the woods at night!

Emma: Can group delusions happen to people that have never met?

August: Just because I claim to be a wooden boy and show you my leg and am secretive and stuff in no way means that I’m crazy!

Emma: You people are insane, do you know that? Since I’ve got here, I’ve been befriended, failed against Regina, manipulated, drugged, kidnapped, kissed, gotten died on, failed against Regina, had to fight nutcases for my survival, failed against Regina, almost lost an election that I was far more qualified for- and that’s just in the actual episodes! Why would I want to help any of you?

August: Because we’re the most attractive fairy tale characters in existence, that’s why!

Emma: I had that on HOUSE! AND I don’t think I Was tromping through the woods there in the dead of night with people that I barely know!

August: *Is offended* now just because I lied to you about everything, doesn’t mean it’s alright for you to be mean.

Emma: Remind me how dragging me to a place that would retraumatize me and scream that everything I knew was wrong was going to make me believe?

Emma: Bye August! I don’t know how I plan to get back, but I’m sure I’ll think of something!

Pinocchio: This is nothing LIKE the land of sweets and joy and joyness like my daddy promised me.

Emma: Fetch me a servant!

Pinocchio: Shut up Emma! Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?!

*Makes face to torment her*

Emma: Oh good, the court jester is here. I’ll be quiet out of pity.  

Pinocchio: One day, people are going to ship us together and then like in the movies I always watch, tragedy will strike to keep us from being together.

Pinocchio: So try your best not to up and die on me Emma, I can’t die because I think this is MY story. I’m going to be a writer. So in other words, you’ll be supplying the income.

*I laugh at his ‘obvious jerk’ expression on his face.*
*Show obviously wants us to hate this guy, so I automatically like him*

Pinocchio: I was just turning her crib into a giant cradle!

Custodian: How dare you! I’m automatically made to look like a jerk here, but let’s look at this scenario. If someone found a six year old using your tools to ‘repair’ the baby crib, wouldn’t you get angry and freak? I mean, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?!

*Funny angry face*

Pinocchio: This is symbolic of the life I’m about to lead.

Foster Kid: Goodnight Larry Fakename, why are you talking to the baby all the time? She doesn’t answer you back!

Emma: Fetch my slippers!

Pinocchio: I’m too good to talk to you. I’m a royal bodyguard.

Pinocchio: Oh! Is that my payment?

Foster Kid: No stupid, I found in the sock drawer. Which seems…like a pretty neglectful thing to do when there are kids around that look like me.

Foster Kid: But we’re blowing this dump. And don’t think to ask to bring the baby along, because we’re about to go somewhere even though we have little to no means of survival and will probably be homeless for the rest of our lives. 

Pinocchio: Will you be my best friend?

Foster Kid: Sorry, that spot is filled by the other 12 kids living here.

*Is bummed*

Pinocchio: Well, see ya Emma!

Pinocchio: Oh crap, I had that promise that I made to my dad!

Pinocchio: Oh well, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I’m sure that somewhere in time we would’ve gotten separated anyway, because I’m so cute that I’m adoptable and you’re a girl with cooties and would be left behind. See ya, Emma!

*Hunger games farewell salute.*

*Look at that basketball hoop. I’ll bet Geppetto rocked that slam dunk*

August: *Jumps out of the bushes* How about you align the gear on the spindle then press the spring?

Marco: How about you align yourself away from my house and mind your own business?

*Does something else*

August: Or….plug it in…that’s good too.

Marco: That’s why I have the job as the…jack of all trades or something and you don’t.
August: My father taught me to go about it the hard way.

Marco: Your father probably told you that in order to keep you out of his hair. That’s what I would do.

August: I know, sometimes it feels like my father is STARING ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW.

Marco: ……

August: I’m horrible at cluing people in this episode.

Marco: Hey, I’m about the close the garage, would you mind stepping out of the way? I don’t want you to get smacked in the head even though it’d be hilarious.

August: Puppy eyes!

Marco: Nice try, but you just look confused.

*Making a toy out of your child’s death experience. Great parenting there, Geppetto. *

August: *Sniffles* I have no job.

Geppetto: Come on, if Nolan can pay the bills working at an animal shelter then there’s nothing stopping you!

August: Dangit, daddy you’re not getting it! I want you to hire me!

Geppetto: Fine. I need someone to do all the work while I watch the game anyway.

August: Yes! Daddy still loves me!

Geppetto: Now if you were my son…I’d look at you with pride…confusion…a little nausea.
August: Oh daddy!
Geppetto: Why do you keep calling me that?

Henry: Zzzz Down with the Queen. Zzzzz Down with August. Zzzzz
Emma: Hey Henry! Wake up!

Henry: What time is it? You better be glad that I’m such a light sleeper mom, because you could’ve been talking on this walkie for about an hour.
Emma: Pack up your valuables and come out to the car for a nice casual chat.

Henry: Okay, but if my mom sees us talking, then she’s going to get really mad. And glare a lot. And threaten without actually doing anything. Oh yeah, and I don’t want to get locked in the basement again, I think It only happened because I got mouthy with her.

Emma: Oh Henry, do you want ice cream?
Translation: Let’s blow this Popsicle stand.

Henry: More than anything!
Translation: I hope they have vanilla!

Emma: Let’s go get some.
Translation: I’m stealing you out of the dead of night with none of your clothes, belongings, and in a conspicuous yellow bug. That won’t end badly.

Henry: Yes!
Translation: And there better be sprinkles or I’ll burn it to the ground.

Emma: Okay, let’s leave Storybrooke then.

Henry: Um…isn’t there an ice cream shop in Storybrooke?
Translation: I really wish I brought shoes.

The End.

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