Once Upon A Time: Abridged: 111 - Fruit of the Poisonous Tree

*If Henry has a bike then why does he take the bus?*

Henry: Move woman! Mr. Gold’s supposed to be on this episode and I’m looking for him!

Emma: Why would he be at the playground? *Imagines Mr. Gold on a swing*

Henry: Not the playhouse that is our meeting spot and symbolic of our relationship as it’s about to nearly be destroyed this episode!

Emma: Must’ve been the storm.

Henry: And by storm we mean my mom’s car!

Henry: I hid my book here! The queen would look under my bed and she’d look at your apartment but she is FAR too lazy to have us followed to our special spot that we meet out in broad daylight at! The third place she’d look is FAR too hard to get to!

*Yeah, barely hidden under any dirt is a GREAT place for the book*

Emma: Hey Henry, why are you even hiding it anyway? The evil queen already KNOWS that Snow White and Charming’s daughter is supposed to come in and save you all and since time is moving now that I’m here, then she at least has to suspect me!

Henry: Because it’s essential to today’s plot!

Emma: If you were really worried about you mom taking the book then why wasn’t this brought up before? You know…when she actually HAD your book!

Regina: I have your book.

Regina: Henry! What are you doing skipping school…or your appointment with Archie…which is it? You have a backpack so I assume you’re about to go to school too…Just what TIME is it?

Henry: Um…we’re not hanging out at our special place.

Regina: Henry, go to school! Truancy officers are starting to pay attention!

Regina: Henry could DIE here!

Emma: This place is right next to an ocean or lake or other large body of water. This hasn’t bothered you until now?

Regina: Oh Ms. Swan. If it wasn’t for you then I wouldn’t care about Henry’s well-being.

Emma:…..

Regina: Wait. That didn’t come out right!

Emma: Uh-huh.

Emma: You’re still so calm Mary Margaret; I’m beginning to wonder if you actually didn’t mentally break up with David at all.

Mary: Maybe my new therapy is just working!

Emma: Mary, you’re not IN therapy!

Mary: It’s an online course!

Mary: Oh guess what?! Someone’s actually texting me for the first time ever!

Emma: *Is unfazed* Tell your boyfriend I said hi.

Mary: Will do!

Mary: I mean…..what boyfriend?

Emma: *Rolls eyes* I may as well get my intelligence out of my system because for some reason I’m extremely dumb this episode.

Sidney: I can make your dreams come true!

Emma: *Is annoyed* Archie gets drunk and says the exact same thing and it’s far more appealing when it’s coming from him.

Sidney: *Is trying to put on his mysterious face* But I’ll be he doesn’t have access to everything Regina has done!

Emma: Like I would suddenly trust you!

Sidney: I got fired suddenly and now I’m out for blood!

Sidney: And so I’m in here with a drink in my hand asking for your help on revenge!

Emma: Sidney, you ALWAYS have a drink in your hand when you’re in here.

Sidney: Duh. It’s a diner!

Emma: Not the kind of drinking I’m talking about.

Sidney: Well if you change your mind when your arch nemesis suddenly starts crushing your son’s hope even more in an obvious attempt to get you to trust me faster than just give me a call!

Emma: Sidney, that’s your health insurance card.

Genie: I wish I looked like Barbara Eden.

*What does he do all day? He can conjure up anything he wants can’t he? He’s a genie! Where is the Jacuzzi?*

Leopold: Oh, a random lamp that someone could’ve placed in here in an attempt to assassinate me!

Genie: THAT is hideous.

Genie: I hate my life.

Genie: I am the genie of Agrabah!

Leopold: You’re not blue.

Genie: And I’m not Robin Williams or Dan Castellaneta and I don’t sing so get all the disappointment out of your system right now.

Leopold: *Cries*

Genie: You have three wishes. Blah blah blah, if you’ve watched TV in the past 50 years then you know all the rules of magic that never makes any sense like you can’t wish for love or more wishes. I guess because we don’t want protagonists to have it all. Now hurry it up.

Leopold:….

Leopold: I just want everyone to be happy in my kingdom. Except my wife she’s off limits on that wish.

Genie: You can’t be serious; you’re happy?!

Leopold: And I want others to be too! The more people that are happy, the less they want to kill me.

Genie: Oh good heavens! You know that there are some people in this world that would be happy over horrible events. Like serial killers and people that like Justin Bieber.

Leopold: As long as they’re thrilled, I’m thrilled!

Genie: Okay dude, I’m going to level with you. Granting wishes sucks. It always comes back to bite the person who made the wish and I’ve seen it happen for a very long time.

Leopold: That’s horrible!

Leopold: Okay, I’m ready to make my wish now.

*Seriously*

Leopold: I wish for your freedom.

Genie: Sweet! Because everyone that I’ve ever served has been a selfish greedy Mcgreederton.

Leopold: As for my second wish-

Genie: Nope. No wishes for you! I’m free!

Leopold: Well I WAS going to give them to you but seeing as how you’re free now I guess that you have all that unlimited power without any restrictions….should work out great.

Genie: I am powerless as long as love isn’t mine!

*Just go with it. That line runs pretty on par with the episode dialogue.*

Genie: Take me with you?

Leopold: Sure! Come to court with me! If you’ll find love it’s certainly in the scandal ridden courts that us noble’s like to occupy.

Genie: Sounds like a sweet deal to me!

Leopold: Where are my bodyguards?

*Naughty tower*

Leopold: Well, if you want love then there’s no one who will give it to you more than my precious baby daughter!

Genie: *Is exasperated* I don’t want to date a little girl!

Leopold: Well then I’m out of ideas.

Regina: Honey, why didn’t you pick up milk while you were out? You didn’t, did you? I’m beginning to think that you don’t run to the supermarket all the time like you claim that you do. I’m beginning to think that you just leave so you can think about her.

Regina: Hi!

Genie: *Swallows nervously*

Regina: Awesome. Someone new to make cry.

*Is symbolic of Henry’s hopes and dreams*

Henry:….What TIME is it?!

Emma: Hey Henry, I just got bad news; they’re tearing down your playground!

Henry: My book is gone! And why are they letting me stand this close to a destruction site?

Emma: Yeah…that’s unfortunate. But that’s what happens when you bury it in a public place that your adopted mother openly talks about being unsafe.

Regina: Stand just a little bit closer Henry, and when flying debris hits you then I can blame it ALL on Emma.

Emma: Well, you’ve really done it now. Hope Henry doesn’t have access to your keys or he might find a way to get into your room and smother you in your sleep.

Regina: He wouldn’t get past the first door, Ms. Swan. I have state of the art protection. The heat signature and metal detector would alert me to his presence before he could think about stabbing me or other means of murder.

Emma: I can’t believe that you said that just all normal-like.

Regina: Neither can I.

Emma: Why can’t I just shoot her?

*Is trying to look sexy and mysterious*

Mary: Hi.

David: Guh! Where have you been?!

Mary: Well pardon me! Some of us actually have to work for a living you know!

*At least I’m assuming it’s a school day with Henry having his backpack and not lugging that book around…you know, why do I do this to myself on a show where time is unimportant?*

David: Look what I found! Look it! Look it!

Mary: Did you set this up all by yourself?

David: Nope. I found it. Mr. Gold was setting it up and he was going to lure Emma here by stating that he’d found a dead body. When she didn’t respond, he went looking for her. So I thought…why let good food go to waste?

Mary: Aw! And you went up on the bridge to wait for me. Nothing says I love you more like bug covered food!

*Makes out*

*Our heroes!*

*I hope David swallows a grasshopper*

Emma: An echoing tunnel isn’t exactly the most covert place to have a secret conversation

Sidney: Hey, I told you to meet on the OTHER random large echoing tunnel! I had to run all the over here when you didn’t show up! What is this tunnel for anyway? It’s just kind of…here.

Emma: What are you wearing?

Sidney: Well since I got fired from my journalism job I thought I could be a detective. I imagine the trench coat might’ve been overdoing it

Sidney: but I think I still pull it off.

Emma: Tell me that’s not a fedora

Sidney: Shut up! 50,000 dollars are missing from the town’s funds.

Emma: And no one else has noticed?

Sidney: I think the mayor stole it and she might be using it to fund something belonging to her!

Emma: And no one would notice?

Sidney: Shut up! Let’s bring her down.

Emma: Why haven’t you shown the town council any of this? Surely there are statements!

Sidney: Because Regina isn’t trying to humiliate the town council!

Emma: What?!

Sidney: I mean…Regina has…her ways around things.

Sidney: Let’s sink to her level to take her down!

Emma: I’d trust Mr. Gold before I’d trust you Sidney.

Sidney: No you wouldn’t.

Emma: Yeah, can’t argue with that.

*What a sucky court. I’ll bet Rumpelstiltskin had more people show up for his housewarming party at the dark castle than this guy had for his birthday.*

*Regina could put some football players to shame with those shoulders on her coat*

Leopold: Well gentlemen and ladies. I have it all. A genie that has dispatched all my enemies with a wave of his hand, a hot wife that I pay no attention to, and a paragon of virtue for a daughter.

Snow: Oh daddy! That’s so sweet that you think of me on your own birthday! Just like everyone else should!

Snow: *Giggles happily*

Leopold: As creepy as it sounds, the only reason I love you so much is because you look like your mother…oh and because you’re an okay daughter too.

Regina: His every moment of thinking ought to be about ME.

Leopold: There is no one I love more than my precious baby daughter. Nope not a one. You’re the only person in my life that I could ever hope to focus on.

Snow: Oh daddy!

Genie: Rock out.

Regina: How dare they be happy without asking my permission first! I’m going to storm out right in front of everyone and make them regret that he doesn’t love me as much as I don’t love him!

Regina: Oh fakey apple tree. You’re the only one who listens.

Genie: I often have the same kinds of conversations with my fakey facial hair.

Regina: Really?

Genie: Really really.

Regina: You relate to me so well!

Genie: I know.

Regina: The way he fawns over that tramp in sheep’s clothing named that so called daughter of his and not me makes me feel unappreciated. If only there was someone who could care.

Regina: *Waits for reaction*

Genie: Yeah. If only there was someone that could do that.

Genie: Have a mirror!

Regina: ……

Genie: It's magical, I often use it to wish to look like Barbara Eden.

Regina:….

Genie: But that’s just a quirk of mine.

Regina: My manipulation is going to be easy. WONDERFUL. *Is sort of disappointed*

Emma: You know, it was pretty established that people didn’t trust me to protect their town in episode eight…I find it weird that you think they’ll listen to me now.

Sidney: Oh, don’t worry about it, they love you now!

Emma: Really?!

Sidney: Nah, most of them suspect that you and Mr. Gold were working together now that photos of you on your date have been posted on Archie’s twitter

Emma: For the last time, my face was photoshopped on there!

Mary: Emma! Emma! Emma! If Mr. Gold should happen to ask you…David and I DIDN’T have lunch at the picnic that you and Gold were supposed to have!

Sidney: Wow.

Emma: Don’t you say any more than that!

Mary: What’s HE doing here?

Sidney: I can hear you!

Sidney: Some of these records are missing! Let’s sink to Regina’s level!

Emma: Can’t we just use the legal system?

Mary: Huh? We have a legal system?

Mary: Uh…I mean…

*Sips*

Sidney: You can’t use the legal system because Regina controls the judges! So you can’t get a warrant!

Emma: Wait, do all warrants go through the mayor? And if Regina wanted this to be kept a secret then wouldn’t her refusing to let them sign a warrant raise a few suspicious eyebrows?

Emma: If I didn’t suddenly trust you, then I’d think you were playing me!

Regina: And…why are you guys suddenly interested in a bunch of missing records anyway?

Emma: He is. I’m just along for the ride this episode.

Regina: And by coming to me and telling me that you’re looking for those files, aren’t you cluing me in that you’re suspicious of what I’m doing?

Emma:…..

Sidney:…..

Emma: Dang, I wish we’d thought of that.

Regina: You two are such idiots.

Regina: Out please. I have to actually pretend I’m doing something.

Regina: Okay, ‘out please’ does NOT mean come forward.

Emma:…..

Regina:….

Emma:…..

Regina: *Rolls eyes*

Emma: Ha. You looked away. I win.

Sidney: That last thing you did had BETTER been you activating your so called ability to detect lies.

Emma: Pfft. That thing NEVER worked. I just bugged her entire office.

Sidney: How did I not notice that?

Door: What’s the password?

Genie: Open CGI sesame.

*I hope Mr. Gold is humiliated to know that the chess board that beat him up in “Price of Gold” belonged to King Leopold of all people*

Leopold: My wife’s diary is BORING I think I fell asleep eight different times when reading about her plots to kill both me and my daughter.

Leopold: I need to stretch my legs. They’re going to sleep faster than I am.

Leopold: Here, have a look. See what you think

Genie: I have reservations about reading the private thoughts of your wife.

Genie: Now what does she say about me?

Regina Voiceover: Dearest diary. Today I was planning on hanging myself on the strong sturdy branches of my mighty apple tree.

*Mighty apple tree*

Regina Voiceover: When the smoking hot stranger that my husband barely knows approached me and gave me a mirror so that I can look at my equally smoking hot self. It was such a sweet gift! I know I’d hit that.

Genie: I think I can explain!

Leopold: I have NO idea who she’s talking about!

Genie: Whew! Dodged that bullet…in more ways than one.

Leopold: I know that my wife is unhappy but I’m unhappy with her too. So instead of us working on our marriage and helping her to get over her many MANY issues…I think I’ll just encourage making more problems for her!

Genie: First you wanted everyone to be happy, then you ignore the queen, then you read her diary…You are one moodswinging little man.

Leopold: Hey, you’re a genie right?

Genie: Last I checked.

Leopold: Then use your powers to find the man that my wife loves so that I can decapitate him right in front of her.

Genie: Sure…I’ll get right on that.

Leopold: ….Well?

Genie: Wait, you mean now?

Emma: Anything new?

Sidney: No, Regina’s just making the billionth person in her office cry and question their reason for living.

Sidney: I don’t even know why you’re making me listen to everything I have on this clunky cassette player!

Mr. Gold: Hello?

Regina: Hey, it’s me. I’ve got the money and so if you have the stuff then meet me in the middle of the woods after dark.

Mr. Gold: What? Who is this?!

Regina: Friggin’ idiot, it’s Regina!

Mr. Gold: OH! Straw and spinning woman! Why are you trying to sound so mysterious for?!

Regina: What kind of expletive is that?! Do you know more than what you’re letting on?

Mr. Gold: *Hangs up*

Regina: Hello? Hello? Why did I even pull him in on this?!

Emma: Who on earth was she talking to?

Sidney: Don’t know, but let’s go find out!

Emma: Wait, you don’t think it’s a trap do you?

Sidney: What’s a trap when you have the chance for humiliation? I mean, victory!

Emma:…..

Sidney: Keep your lights off…good…even though we’re in the middle of the woods and that might not be a good idea…is it even a good idea to tail her in the sheriff’s car?

Emma: Glass, we have a bit of a problem…the car isn’t stopping!

*And after that day, all the signs in Storybrooke filed restraining orders against Emma.*

Emma: You okay?

Sidney: Might as well be. That stop was so soft it might as well have been a braked.

Sidney: Well, back to being Detective Glass! *Puts on Fedora*

Emma: *Moans*

Sidney: Hey, how does ‘The Adventures of Detective Glass and Sheriff Swan' sound as an idea for a spin off?

Emma: Only if I have a chainsaw.

Sidney: Well my analysis skills tell me that the brakes are cut.

Emma: No! Really?! I could’ve figured that when the car wouldn’t stop! Tell me Sherlock, what’s your secret?!

Emma: You wanna know the thing that really pisses me off? The car was working fine until you accidently dropped your pocketknife on the ground right before we took off!

Sidney: I know nothing about that!

Emma: I’m beginning to think that maybe you’re bad luck!

Mr. Gold: Does the full moon affect your Charming Idiot genes or something? Am I going to have to put you in red to get that taken care of? It doesn’t seem to affect you as bad when you’re wearing that red coat!

Emma: Mr. Gold?!

Mr. Gold: Hiiiiii Emma!

Sidney: Well that makes sense. What other shady businessmen live here?

Mr. Gold: *Beams*

Mr. Gold: Don’t mind me. I was just making a TOTALLY legal transaction for my land!

Emma: In the middle of the woods?

Mr. Gold: Um…yeah? Where else would we make totally legal-ish transactions that we don’t want discovered?

Mr. Gold…

Mr. Gold: What’s HE doing here?

Emma…

Sidney: It’s not what you think!

Mr. Gold: I’ll bet!

Sidney: I’m only here because I want to help the son whose hope Regina is desperately crushing and this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I don’t have a job anymore!

Mr. Gold: Not even I believe your overdramatic clichéd lines and usually I’m the master at giving them!

Mr. Gold: *Emma winning smile* Now if you’ll excuse us, Emma and I have a picnic on toll bridge we need to get to!

Emma: I really don’t think I’m going anywhere alone with you.

Mr. Gold: You’re loss.

Mr. Gold: Hey, can you guys give me a ride? I think I might’ve walked here.

Emma: What was that?!

Sidney: Even I was creeped out.

Emma: Wait…Mr. Gold’s gonna be in my car?

Sidney…

Sidney: Dibs on shotgun.

Genie: Ah, in eating from Regina’s tree I am truly…getting a piece of that.

Genie: I was beginning to think that you wouldn’t come my darling!

Regina’s Dad: Way to say that out loud with your back turned you idiot! It could’ve been anyone!

Genie: Let’s never speak of what I just said to you again. Also where is my darling…why do I have a knife when I just turn you into a toad?

Regina’s Dad: I’m her father!

Genie: I thought you were a servant! I’m beginning to think there’s more to her than what meets the eye.

Regina’s Dad: Yeah. It’s a weird family. Here, the queen is locked in her chamber!

Genie: I automatically take your word for it even though this scene implies we’ve never met.

Regina’s Dad: Take this to her and just ignore any sounds or movements you might hear!

Regina’s Dad: For some reason they’ll let you in even though the trouble started when you showed up!

Genie: What the frig is wrong with these people?

Regina: Oh well, I can’t see why I can’t get it done.

Sidney: That was the most awkward thing that I’ve ever taken part of.

Emma: Alright, no matter what happens you don’t tell ANYONE that Mr. Gold kept making jokes about being in my backseat. Because I’ll know that it came from you.

Sidney: I still can’t believe you forced me in the back and then put him in the front! You know what he said? He said he was moving on up and me being in your backseat meant that you were really getting around. And then he giggled. He GIGGLED!

Emma: I was there!

Sidney: Hey, how exactly did you fit him in the trunk after that?

Sidney: So…I was in your backseat

Emma: Shut up. We’re breaking into Regina’s office and I can’t concentrate on breaking the law with you blabbering away.

*Breaks window*

Emma: And for heaven’s sake, try not to look suspicious!

Sidney: This all looks like a job for Detective Man!

Emma: Oh shut up Sidney!

Emma: Wouldn’t it just be easier to save it on a flash drive and run for it? We can print it off later!

Emma: Well I’m sure that this won’t affect the plot in any way, shape, or form. They certainly DON’T look suspicious!

Sidney: Why aren’t we wearing gloves?

Regina: Stop foul robbers! *Stumbles on heels*

Sidney: Don’t worry Emma, I brought my gun!

Emma: So you saw a broken window and decided to come in even though the thieves could be here?

Regina: I’ll get to your verbal evisceration in a moment Ms. Swan. This so called state of the art alarm system is giving me tinnitus

Emma: We saw…Henry and…Granny trying to break into your office. Well Sidney did…and you know how he is after he’s left the diner. I’m not taking his word for it…I’m just assuming that got drunk and did it himself when you fired him

Regina: Sidney? Is that true?

Sidney: *Is a horrible liar* Maybe. I guess I can sort of see myself with…things…throwing them through…other things.

*Emma’s lying sucks as much as her lying detector*

Regina: Well, my quick scan shows that nothing’s out of place so you can go.

Emma: Really? Because I could say…burn this place down and whatever the thief might’ve stolen could automatically become priceless and we’d catch him when he tried to make a fortune off of it by selling it to Mr. Gold.

Sidney: Isn’t that a bit extreme?

Emma: Extreme is how I roll.

Regina: I wish my husband hadn’t allegedly grounded me from the TV too.

Genie: My beloved!

Regina: My manipulated!

Genie: *Glomps*

Regina: *Barely hugs*

Regina: It’s about time you showed up. I’ve been waiting forever for you to get your backside in here!

Genie: Yeah I….had to pick up some milk.

Regina: That’s EXACLTY what my husband uses when he wants to get away from me!

Genie: Oh I uh…

Genie: Have the key to my heart.

*SUBTLETY!*

Regina: Now let’s see what my daddy got me for my soon to be death day!

*Faux and Fake the wonder snakes*

Genie: Hey! I recognize them! They were in a circus act in my homeland! We shared a tent for a while! They always took the good cot!

Regina: *Is exasperated*

Genie: They also had a license in assisted suicides!

Regina: Yup.

Regina: I put my hand in there and my pain will end!

Genie: Well I didn’t want to have to resort to this but….the pain will be quick if it’s any consolation. Then I’ll do the same thing and we’ll be together.

Regina: WHAT?! Idiot!

Genie: Oh…this was some kind of game where you wanted me to kill your husband instead?

Regina: *Glomps* You understand me so well!

Faux: Yeah in the amount of time you gave dialogue we’ve explored the castle six times and crawled back in this box!

Fake: Most of the fans wished they were off exploring the castle than watching this episode.

Stranger: Hey kid. You’re in my seat.

Henry: I’m writing everything down before I forget!

Stranger: With a marker?

Henry: My mom took all my pens and pencils and paper so I couldn’t write it down. She even removed all my wallpaper so I couldn’t resort to desperate means.

Stranger: Hm. Smart woman. So if you’re writing it all down before you forget then why are you drawing pictures too? Wouldn’t that just waste time?

Henry: I worry that Emma won’t care unless it comes with pictures.

Stranger: Has your mom mentioned me lately?

Henry: Too close for comfort dude.

Henry: And I don’t listen to anything my mom says unless it’s ‘Henry, you’re right’ or anything having to do with Archie or Mr. Gold. It shouldn’t surprise you how little any of that comes up.

Stranger: Well tell your mother that I said ‘hi’.

Henry: Don’t plan to. By the time I see her again I expect I’ll have you being sent home in a box.

Stranger: Aw, you’re so cute! You just made me want to stay longer and try harder to win your mother to my side while doing ambiguous things!

Henry: You have no idea what I’m capable of if you try that.

*Staredown of the ages*

Stranger: I shall enjoy this little challenge we have set for ourselves.

Henry: So. Will. I.

*That doesn’t even LOOK like a house!*

Sidney: Tee-hee, we have her now!

Emma: So she’s….building it out in the middle of the woods? Building a presumably huge mansion? And no one’s going to question where she got the funds?

Sidney: Will you shut up and just be gullible?!

Emma: Dude! No!

Sidney:….

Sidney: Well too bad, we’re in this together now!

Emma: You remember that episode where we were running a pretty cutthroat game of ‘who wants to be a sheriff’? And I refused to sink to low levels to win and it was what got me the job? Yeah I’m throwing it all out the window this episode. I have no idea why.

Sidney: *Is exasperated* You’re suddenly remembering your morals?!

Emma: None of this evidence can be used! We should never have broken and entered in the first place!

Sidney: YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!

Sidney: Here, Regina knew about your secret place ever since you got here!

Sidney: She had me follow you around and take snapshots

Emma: Everyone knew we met there! We even had Emma and Henry mother/son picnic there! And I know you were following me, Sidney! You had the flash to your camera on!

Sidney: Oh….

Sidney: Yeah that was stupid.

Emma: And how come you keep trying to convince me to take the path that’ll get me in trouble every time I want to do the right thing and go about it the proper way?

Sidney: Are you convinced to do what I want?

Emma: Ugh, why not? I’m bored.

Regina: Alright, we all know the drill. No matter what I say everyone will agree with me and everyone who even considers opposing will get a pounding from my gavel.

Extras:….

Regina: Alright now if absolutely no one opposes me for any reason then-

Sidney: I would like to start off by presenting my new poetry reading to everyone!

Sidney: The first one is called, “Upon the Once Time”. it’s all about you and how you want to build a house in the middle of the woods thanks to stolen funds that no one is apparently missing!

Regina: Get out.

Emma: Except it’s not a poem. It’s reality!

Regina: *Is sarcastic* Oh no, you found out my secret. Whatever shall I do?

Emma: *Is oblivious to sarcasm* Admit it!

Sidney: *Is moving far away to avoid association*

Gold: Maybe I should’ve just come out and told her Mr. Glass was going to make her look a like an idiot in front of everyone.

*When did Mr. Gold sneak in? I don’t think I saw him on the wideshot*

Regina: This is really about my son and his feelings over the practically condemned playground isn’t it?

Emma: Look how this broken fan looking picture barely resembles a house!

Emma: She is evil and a thief and most of all she is a soul sucking vampire!

*Extras brace for reaction*

Sidney: I don’t know her!

Regina: I can’t believe it worked!

*Smirk*

Regina: I didn’t steal the funds to build a house! I stole the funds to build a playground! Or at least…I think I stole them….maybe I got the permission of the council first and Emma didn’t know about it…

Regina: Anyway, this is the playground! Look how it doesn’t even resemble a house!

Emma: Boy do I feel silly.

Sidney: I don’t know anything about this! It must’ve been when I blinked!

Regina: Wow, you are REALLY stupid. I mean someone brings up your son to make you emotional and you just fell for everything hook, line, and sinker. Oh, people are going to be remembering this EPISODES from now.

Emma: *Is thoroughly humiliated.*

Regina: Well, congratulations Sheriff. You’ve gotten totally verbally disemboweled by me. You’re part of the town now.

*Smirk*

Regina: Don’t you feel special.

Emma: Ugh, I wished I’d listened to Mr. Gold’s ambiguous hints that it was strange that Mr. Glass and I were hanging out.

*Childishly sticks tongue out*

Mr. Gold: I’ll give her an ambiguous ‘Emma winning smile’ just to keep her on her toes.

Sidney: It’s astounding that I kept a straight face.

*Audience is immediately grateful that Leopold doesn’t sleep in the nude*

*So…no one finds it odd that the genie gets access to the king’s bedroom in the middle of the night? Did he teleport in there? Why couldn’t he just teleport Regina out?*

Genie: You were such a good friend to me and for that you have to die.

Fake: There better be a good reason why you woke me out of my hibernation!

Faux: Yeah!

Genie: Uh…look over there!

Faux and Fake the Wonder Snake: Oooo that’s tasty looking royalty!

Genie: Hey Leopold! Instead of letting you die in your sleep I think you should wake up!

*Is bitten*

Leopold: Ow.

Genie: Good news Leo! You were right! I did find love in a scandalous court! I’m getting’ married…to your wife! Yay for me!

Leopold: Was the assassination really necessary? Why couldn’t you just take her and leave? You’re a genie!

*Dies*

Genie: Oh….I didn’t think about that.

Emma: Well that was humiliating.

Sidney: Stop following me, person I don’t know.

Extra: That was great!

Regina: Thank you!

Extra: I’ve never seen someone curl into a ball and cry before!

Emma: My ‘creepy’ senses are tingling.

Mr. Gold: Hiiii Emma!

Sidney: How do you keep on sneaking up on us like this?

Mr. Gold: I know that you’re only here so that Emma can make me jealous!

Mr. Gold: Nice try pudding, but our love for each other can easily overcome the obstacle of other people.

Emma: I don’t love you!

Mr. Gold: *Emma Winning Smile* I know you have to tell yourself that because you don’t want me keeling over like other men you know with accents but I have to let you know that I’m still going strong, baby.

Emma: And why didn’t you just tell me that this was going to backfire!

Mr. Gold: Because today’s events wouldn’t have been as funny.

Mr. Gold: And you’re still working off rejecting me as soon as you accepted my proposal. Looking forward to the next time I’m in your backseat!

Regina: He was WHERE?!

Emma: Oh no….

Regina: Yeah, as if I was done with you!

Sidney: You really did it to yourself THIS time.

Regina: Well. I hate to pat myself on the back…no wait, I LOVE patting myself on the back. I have you right where I want you Ms. Swan and everyone could see where this was heading but you! WOW. That was easy. I HATE it when it’s easy!

Regina: So now that I just stomped on you in front of everyone I’m going to tell you to leave my son alone. Because if there’s anything I like, it’s digging that knife in your back even deeper.

Emma: And how would you know? You don’t pay attention to him most of the time! Hey, wait a minute. I’m a bailbondsperson! How did I NOT notice Sidney following me?

Regina: It’ll just be best if the developments of this episode are ignored.

Emma: Fine by me!

*That’s the playground that’s less dangerous than the sturdy wooden one that might’ve been repaired? That’s PITIFUL! It looks like it could blow over as soon as a strong wind hits it! It looks like one of those cardboard display things that Wal-Mart sets up.*

Henry: Hi mom! Henry Gold here!

Emma: Yes Henry I know who you are.

Henry: Are you here to slide down the slide? We’ll do it together!

Emma: No Henry, I’m here to make sure the Slenderman doesn’t get you considering you’re out in the middle of the woods!

Emma: Man, this playground didn’t take long to set up at all. I’m just letting you know that I can’t hang anymore Henry. Long story short it’s all my…all Regina’s fault.

Henry: You look depressed. When I’m depressed I usually have lunch with Archie. He always makes me laugh.

Emma: I’m surprised you didn’t mention Mr. Gold.

Henry: Nah, Archie makes everyone feel better about themselves. Mr. Gold will just take you to somewhere expensive and make you realize how poor you are and you’ll question why you just didn’t marry him and become even more depressed. Also I think the Stranger might be a serial killer. Just saying.

Emma: Thanks Henry. You know how to make me feel loved. And just for that I’ll actually try and find your book.

Henry: No you won’t! I have a feeling it’ll drop out of the sky before that happens!

Emma: Yeah…I really don’t seem to care much about finding it after this…

*And speaking of the book…*

*Feel the shock of something most people probably already guessed about as soon as that diner scene and presumably before that*

Stranger: Stranger 1: Henry 0

Emma: Ugh! You wouldn’t believe my day!

Sidney: I am far too drunk to notice anything other than my own reflection in the cup. Heh, reflection….and my name is Glass.

Emma: *Licks lips appreciatively*

Emma: So…we got played

Sidney: *Is soused*

Sidney: Well…you got played. I’m still pretending I don’t know you.

Emma: You know if I could shove Regina and Mr. Gold in my car trunk and just forget about both of them then my life would be a lot easier.

Emma: *Is seriously considering it*

Sidney: *Is annoyed*

Sidney: Well the worst episode thus far in the season is done. You can stop being an idiot now.

Emma: Fina-freakin’-ly man.

Sidney: To surviving this crapfest.

Emma: To surviving!

*Toasts*

*SUBTLETY!*

*SUBTLETY*

Genie: It is done my pookie-muffins! He is dead and we shall rule together! I should go ahead and tell you that that’s really why I killed him.

Regina: You were so gullible that you make Emma look decent in comparison.

Genie: Who’s Emma?

Regina: Doesn’t matter.

Regina: Faux and Fake the Wonder Snakes were tracked down and after hours of interrogation they admitted that you were behind it all.

Genie: Oh…I should’ve seen that coming when I admitted to you that they were from my homeland. Hey, how did you get them anyway? Did you special order them or something? Agrabah is a self-enclosed community! That doesn’t make sense!

Regina: Nothing about this episode makes any sense!

Regina: I needed someone to poison my husband because apparently it’s just too hard to frame anyone else. Aladdin’s gonna be PISSED.

Genie: PLEASE don’t tell him! I’ll do anything!

Genie: I’ll even be your man toy!

Regina: What? Don’t you get it? I totally played you! I made you kill the only person that was ever courteous to you! And you still…what? Wanna hang out?

Genie: I can change you!

Genie: I want to be with you forever! Even when you’re indisposed or doing naughty things with unwilling people! And my love for you will transcend all worlds and I’ll be your patsy so matter how demeaning or humiliating on my part. I know my wish will probably backfire but…I forgot.

Regina: That’s the most romantic line I’ve heard!

*Is zappied*

Regina: Sweet! He’s gone

*Hears muffled screaming*

Regina: DEMON!

Genie: How didn’t I know that this would backfire! Hey and by the time your husband's funeral rolls around...I'm pretty okay with being in the mirror! I guess I'm alright with being screwed over