201 - Broken

Mr. Ed: Oh Danvers, how long will I suffer under Wilbur’s abuse before you break the chains of our animal slavery and liberate us all?

Wilbur: *Smacks in the nose* Ed, are you being a red herring again?

Mr. Ed: Keep joking, Wilbur. Your time will come.

Mystery Guy: This is the worst day in the history of my life. Netflix sent me the wrong movie, no one accepts “Mystery Guy” is actually my legal name and won’t let me use my credit card, I’m like the only guy character under 60 not wearing leather pants…

Mystery Guy: And I think that horse just might be talking under his breath….

*Awful uncrowded for New York*

Mystery Guy: This sucks, I wish the mysterious part of my past that somehow links me to someone or everyone in Storybrooke had never happened.

Mystery Guy: Aw, my beloved room. I’m sure you’ll never give up any subtle clues to my Unknown Non-Red Herring Possible Bae status!

Mystery Guy: Beloved room! What the frick? You bring out subtle clues the minute that the cameras recording my life show up? We talked about this!

Mystery Guy: Ugh, I hate it when I leave my window open in New York City and leave the room unattended!

*Isn’t moving*

Mystery Guy: Dangit window! Come on!

*3 Hours Later*

Mystery Guy: CLOSE DARN YOU!

*Phone commits suicide*

Mystery Guy: *Starts crying* Oh phone, you were my only friend! Even if you WERE an Android!

Danvers: Eyes forward soldier!

Mystery Guy: *Is terrified* Danvers! You’re here! But you’re a pigeon! Is that a disguise because you’re a hunted bird?! And I didn’t tidy up…and I’m having such a bad day, I don’t know what could possibly be worse…

*Bird craps on his desk*

Mystery Guy: Does that mean I’ve failed the inspection and must pay with my life?

Danvers: There is only one way in which you can redeem yourself. You get one chance, and if you don’t succeed then you must pay with your head.

*The bones of Mystery Guy is implied*

*Danvers has wonderful penmanship*

*Gulps nervously*

*Is Storybrooke even on any map?*

           

*Arabianish Niiiiiiiighhhhtssss*

Philip: I found her! I’m so glad that we waited until all her guards were on break! Maleficent’s guards would do anything for her, she gives them gift bags.

Philip: I’m not only Prince Philip and potentially Shang but I’m also the oldest fairy tale character in history! The Kool-Aide man! Oh Yeaaah!

Aurora: Just play it cool, Aurora, just play it cool. He’ll kiss you. He’ll kiss you. He doesn’t need to know that you were faking all these years because you didn’t want to cut yourself on the briars.

Philip: Okay, I’ve looked at her from all angles and I’m pretty sure it’s Aurora.

*Is obviously Mulan*

Philip: Hey Mulan, does your cellphone get reception out here? I want you to get a photo of us for our wedding wall!

*Tries to fake breathing in a full breath*

*Chokes, coughs, wheezes, snorts*

Philip: Hm. Well that was ruined.

Aurora: Oh, what is this film that I have over my eyes? Why do I feel the exhaustion of eternal sleep?! Hast my love cometh to saveth me?

Philip: *Bedroom eyes* Oh pookie bear!

Aurora: *Bedroom Eyes* Oh muffin lips!

Mulan: *Rolls eyes* Oh gag me.

*Are swapping gum flavors*

Aurora: So um…don’t really care for the new interior decorating.

Philip: Oh, oh um…new designs? I uh- I didn’t notice.

Aurora: Aren’t you going to tell me anything about what happened? 

Philip: Nah! I’m sure your confusion is fine!

Aurora: But everything looks so bleak!

Philip: That’s because your light hasn’t shone on the world!

Aurora: Sugar dumplings!

Philip: Honey suckle!

*Swapping DNA samples*

*Are sobbing in terror*

Charming: Oh wait, we’re okay.

Snow: I think you just crushed my ribcage….

*Is feeling his bicep because that’s one of the best parts about him*

Charming: *Bedroom Looks* Hey you…it looks like you and I have 28 years of baby making to catch up on!

Snow: Is that honestly your first words to me? Because I’m so there.

Charming: But first I Need to ask a question…What the frig happened to your hair anyway? I mean it looks different than two minutes ago and even MORE different than in Fairy Tale Land.

Snow: Don’t ask!

Charming: *Is trying to look heroic* Looks like I’ll have to save this town!

Red: Like…what the frig happened to your hair, Snow?

Charming: I wonder how much of our abridged Storybrooke personalities remain with our Fairy Tale-

Snow: GLOMP ATTACK!

Charming: Oh crap, I’m in trouble.

Charming: Hold me Granny, on top of being transported into a world not my own, I had to be DAVID!

Granny: There there, it’s okay.

Red: *Is full on sobbing* BESTIES FOREVER!

Snow: Hold me Granny; I just realized I’m married to a guy that’s part DAVID.

Granny: There there, it’s okay.

Grumpy: Luckily we all attend the same AA meetings and happened to be all together when the fog hit. Because there’s probably no other reason as to how we all met up in such a short time.

Doc: Just tell her the truth. We all saw the fog and ran out of our places of businesses screaming and all slammed in to each other.

Grumpy: Are you Stealthy the Chuck Norris of Dwarves? No? Then stop speaking.

Grumpy: Aw geez, I just stepped in gum.

Happy: Big glob, how did you miss that?

Doc: We’re going to need a crowbar.

Bashful: I stepped in one too!

Snow: GLOMP ATTACK!

Snow: My servants are finally here! Fantastic!

Snow: *Is whimsical*

Emma: THANKS Henry, get dressed in record time, dash out the hospital door, and bring me right to the parents that abandoned me.

Snow: I can’t believe it! A daughter AND a bestie! I think the world’s going to collapse on itself!

Charming: Hold on…we have a DAUGHTER?!

*Would take being with Mr. Gold over this*

Charming: Pfft, I just realized that she spent most of season 1 ignoring or insulting me. I guess she is my daughter.

Snow: You are SO lucky that you look just like me!

Emma: Yeah you know how I said all those things about my real parents because they abandoned me? They still kind of ring true…

Snow: I LOVE YOU TOO!

*Would take being successfully seduced by Mr. Gold over this*

Snow: *wails happily*

Charming: *Scratches the back of Emma’s head* There’s a good girl.

*Are lalalaing together*

Henry: Hey everybody. Henry Gold here. Thanks for leaving me out of your group hug and if you want to apologize for thinking I was crazy and insulting and threating me, I won’t refuse. In fact I think I’ll revel in it.

Charming: Well, it looks like that true love crap didn’t cure you of your evilness. Maybe we need a second try. Just to make sure.

*True Love Smothers*

Henry: It’s only true love if my daddy hugs me.

Henry: It’s going to be Mr. Gold by the way; I don’t think I said that enough. I know it’ll be weird having a son-in-law that’s older than you are but I have no doubt that he’ll make me…I mean…he’ll make Emma very happy.

Emma: Oh Henry.

Grumpy: Can we form a conga line?

Charming: Only if I’m in front.

Sleepy: But I always lead!

Grumpy: Shut up, Sleepy! He’ll trample all over us if we don’t!

Happy: And the faster he’s in front, the faster we can abandon him when he’s too busy dancing to notice and form a dance line elsewhere.

Blue Fairy: I need a jellyfish tutu to feel complete. Anyone who where we sell seductive ballet stuff?

Snow: *Couldn’t care less* Oh.

Charming: *IS oblivious* Hey blue fairy! Boy, it worked! I’m SO glad we trusted you implicitly to save our daughter and were completely honest in every possible way!

Blue Fairy: *Struggles not to throw up* Hm.

Grumpy: CONGA LINE! NOW!

Emma: These people are actually CRAZIER than they were when I first came here.

Emma: After I tear Mr. Gold up for double crossing me, at least I can seek comfort in his arms while knowing that he’s sane.

*Just realized how crazy that sounded*

Rumpelstiltskin: My hair feels different…a bit shorter…bollocks, I’ve lost my leather pants and now I’ve lost my styling hair. What’s next?

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh hiiiiii Belle, I almost didn’t recognize you in your more realistic looking hair and makeup.

Belle: *Is awkward* So…about that cloud…

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is awkward*  So…about that asylum

Belle: Yeah, I was locked up for a while because you were stupid enough to trust Regina on her word that I died.

Rumpelstiltskin: *Is imitating* Because you were stupid enough to trust Regina.

Belle: Maybe you should actually check up on things to prove they’re right!

Rumpelstiltskin: Well maybe YOU shouldn’t get into cars with strangers!

Belle: Oh don’t turn this around on me, don’t flip this! The only reason I got in the car with Regina was because I was too drunk off my mind in the dwarf bar when you kicked me out!

Rumpelstiltskin: You’re based off a DISNEY character Belle! You’re supposed to be smart and forgiving! What are you doing getting drunk instead of reading books!? Here I was hoping that you were the OPPOSITE of my first wife. 

Belle: Hm. Going to the wife comparison are we?

Belle: Alright, for the past 28 years, I’ve been so drugged that I looked like this…

Belle: But that’s no reason to go kill Regina, okay? I’m pretty sure that she’s strung up now but I will NOT have you showing attention to any other women!

Rumpelstiltskin: La lee la la, I’m not listening! Lee la la la.

Belle: Okay FINE! I will willingly let you kiss me if you promise not to kill Regina.

Rumpelstiltskin: Dangit woman! We’re only three minutes into our relationship and you’re forcing me to make the hard decisions!

Belle: Well…if something…not of your hand came about to end her life sort of, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker….

Rumpelstiltskin: That’s my little psycho

Belle: *Giggles*

*Now the wallpaper of hundreds of fans*

Belle: I’m HAPPY!

Rumpelstiltskin: A woman that’s willingly hugging me…I don’t think I’ve had one of those in like…ever.

Henry: This is great! Just me! My mom! My grandparents! My murder posse!



Emma: They’re not your murder posse, Henry; they’re just random people that won't stop following me around.



Snow: *Angry whispers* Say something nice to our daughter!



Charming: Hey Emma! Um…your hair’s fluffy?



Grumpy: Ugh…
Blue Fairy: Ugh…
Snow: So do you want to talk about… ‘it’?



Emma: Whoa! We are FAR too late for THAT talk! Henry should be proof of that!



Snow: Don’t you want to know the circumstances of your conception!?



Emma: Ugh! Ack! NONONONONONONONONO!



Snow: Wait! No! That’s not what I meant!
Charming: By the way Emma, where’s my sword?



Snow: We just thought you’d be a little more grateful that we threw you into a wardrobe and hoped for the best!



Emma: Yeah, I sort of grew up abused and a teen mom because I didn’t have anyone. I honestly can’t believe that you two forgot that!



Charming: Well…I never knew because no one ever tells me these things…it’s not like we share scenes all that much!



Snow: Hm…even though you talked about how angry you were with your parents to me every time I would listen, I can’t believe you were serious!



Charming: Hey Emma, isn’t that just one of your many love interests in this town?



Emma: You’re going to have to be more specific, I have like FOUR of them.



Archie: Everyone’s going crazy! They tried to attack me because of my sweater vest and my friendship with Gold and then the crowed was whipped into a frenzy by Whale



Archie: *Draws in several deep breaths* Or whatever his name is. I tried to say that it was wrong but they shoved me off the stage and said I wasn’t funny. Is it okay if I ask Gold to beat them up Emma?



Grumpy: Who said you weren’t funny?
Happy: Burn them at the stake!
*Murder posse cheers*



Archie: You’re missing the point! Killing her is wrong and I sort of promised Rumpelstiltskin as we chatted last that she wouldn’t die because he wanted to be there to watch. We have to stop them!



Charming: Yeah we should…hurry about that.
Snow: Ehhhhh….here’s the thing….



Henry: And she’s still my mom! I wanted to kill her on my own time!



Emma: Oh Henry…don’t force me to do something I don’t want to do…



Snow: We can’t kill Regina! She’s a regular.
Charming: She can be a regular zombie.



Emma: WE can’t let that happen because we’re heroes or…something…



Charming: Okay, let’s do this in an orderly fashion…



Grumpy: BLOODLETTING AT REGINA’S HOUSE
*Murder posse cheers*
Charming: Guys! Wait! We have to use the crosswalks!
*The fact that Granny is keeping up with them is both awesome and hysterical*

Mulan: Has she gotten the use of her legs yet? I’d like to go now!



Philip: No, you’re adorable
Aurora: No, you’re adorable
Philip: No, you’re adorable
Aurora: No, you’re adorable
Philip: No, you’re adorable
Aurora: No, you’re adorable
Mulan: As far as I’m concerned, they can WALK home.



Mulan: I sense a disturbance in the foundation….



Mulan: Hey Philip! Get your useless duff over here and actually HELP.
Philip: You go first
Aurora: No, you go first
Philip: No, you go first
Aurora: No, you go first



Waldo the Wraith: Where’s Waldo? DEVOURING YOUR SOUL!



Philip: DIIIIEEEE



Philip: *Nearly trips* DIIEEEEE



Waldo the Wraith: Kids these days, when I was your age, we didn’t swing swords around all flailing! There was an art to it!



Mulan: ‘Kay…I’ll…I’ll wait right here…



*Drops*



Waldo the Wraith: MY BLING! I’ll get you next time Gadget…next time.



Mulan: I’m pretty sure you guys saw the distance I went. I think I got whiplash!



Aurora: Am I going to get an explanation for-
Philip: SHINY!



Philip: So tired of Charming getting all the good lines and fight scenes. I bet he doesn’t have something awesome like this!



Aurora: What was that?
Philip: *Actual dialogue* Something bad.



Aurora: ….



Aurora: Oh gee…ya think?  

*Good to know that that the safest place for the cup is the only place everyone marches through uninvited*



Belle: Well, it’s like I’m meeting all my old buddies; Rumpelstiltskin, Doom and Gloom the wonder puppets, and dust bunnies galore!



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, let’s get you out of those clothes!
Belle: *Giggles*
Rumpelstiltskin: Later though, I don’t want you getting the clothes I have here dirty as you clean up the place.
Belle: *Is bummed*



Rumpelstiltskin: FINALLY! I thought she’d never let me have a moment alone. I've never had a woman actually WANT to be around me for more than an hour. I don't think I like it....



*Do people really pawn clothes?*



Rumpelstiltskin: If I have to put Belle down then I don’t want to leave any fingerprints….



Rumpelstiltskin: Geez, I hope this unpredictable magic thing doesn’t just happen to backfire on me…



Rumpelstiltskin: This thing is made of pure gold. I often just use this when I do my work out. Emma gave me a weird look when we were at the gym together for our rehearsal workout but the biceps are WORTH IT.



*It’s the same, doncha’ know?”



Rumpelstiltskin: I think it’s time I called on an old best friend for a favor…
*Hopes Belle wasn’t being sarcastic when she gave him the go-ahead for this.*
*Also hopes Archie doesn’t find out that he’s seeing other best friends behind his back* 




????: Girl Scout cookies! OF DEATH!



Regina: OMG, WHAT?! My stories are on!

????: That smirk isn’t going to last forever, Regina.

*I wish I could say that that was a shoutout but I couldn’t possibly be that lucky*

Regina: So you all got surrounded by a purple cloud and then you decide that it might be a good idea to find the evil witch that did this to you? I question the brains of all of you.



Regina: NINJA MAGIC!



???: I’ve had girlfriends with more electricity than what you are producing. YAWNZ.



Regina: Failing at everything I do? This must be what it feels like to be Charming!



Regina: Wow, what’s going on here?!?!?



???: I know this is inappropriate but…since you brutally crushed Graham’s heart, you’re single right?



Emma: My old secret weapon! Arm slap!



???: AUGH! Why would you do that?



Emma: I know she’s terrorized, and hurt, and murdered, and separated everyone for the sake of something a twelve year old did! But just because she just tried to murder all of you is NO reason to retaliate!



Charming: *Is trying to look heroic* You should all listen to my daughter! She may be younger than even our 1 year olds, but she does have a brain! She IS my daughter after all!



Charming: I don’t understand why everyone’s laughing….



Henry: Alright, I’m here on the front row! Murder posse, do your business.



Charming: Just who are you Doctor Whale?
???: Are you kidding? Not even “I” know!



Charming: My daughter just kicked a dragon’s butt, so she can beat you up.



*Is making faces*



*Is making faces back*



Emma: Dad! Stop embarrassing me in front of everyone!



Charming: There is only one solution besides murder! And that’s a-



Snow: - raise the roof danceoff!



Snow: I have…no idea where that came from….



Regina: Oh good, the pain killers I took for my imminent death are taking effect. 



Regina: Oh crap, I just remembered that I left my skeleton keys in the place that I always left them at which means that everyone knows where they are!



Charming: Tough cookies!



Regina: Well, I should go ahead and give away my usefulness by telling you that we can’t go back!



Snow: We automatically believe you!



Regina: Really? Huh. You are all pretty gullible because everyone NOT in this town never buys anything I say.



Snow: We should leave her without supervision! That angry crowd is starting a bonfire in the parking lot and could storm in here at any minute.



Henry: *Whispers* I’ll kill you later.



Regina: Ugh, I’m starting to regret that mental and emotional neglect…but I’m totally sure that I really love him genuinely!



Rumpelstiltskin: Glaring at a lock won’t work anymore!



Regina: How long were you hiding in the supply closet?



Regina: And who were you with?



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I imagine that I was doing what you usually do in the supply closet of the Sheriff’s office Regina. Wait until the sheriff is alone for some ‘loving time’.



Rumpelstiltskin: *Checks out Emma through the window for old time’s sake*



Regina: So…I’m guessing the wedding’s cancelled.



Rumpelstiltskin: No, just postponed indefinitely in case my darling true love and I don’t work out.



Regina: Frrrigggg.



Regina: I mean…what true love?



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, that’s funny! Cora said the same thing when she was dancing around Daniel’s corpse!



Regina: If it’s any consolation, I had a moment of insanity when I took her. I realize that now. I suppose I took her to keep your true love from breaking the curse but why not just kill her? Taking her prisoner to kill her later seems like a stupid STUPID plan that would NOT benefit my health when you figured it out.



Rumpelstiltskin: This is why I don’t like leaving you by yourself Regina, you think of extremely complicated plans that never benefit you



*Smirk/Glare*



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, so we’re going to play THAT are we?



*Yanks against the bars a few times*



Regina: Oh no, he grabbed me through prison bars! I really need to stop getting close to him in our bookend prison scenes!



Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah…so if you could change your will before getting soul sucked so my beloved stepson gets all your estate, that’d be great!



Rumpelstiltskin: Because I think I’ll use your house as my storage shed.



Regina: Jokes on him! To get your soul sucked out, it would first mean you HAVE one!



Rumpelstiltskin: Now if you’ll excuse me, they’re roasting marshmallows on the bonfire at the parking lot. And I’ve always been partial to s'mores.



*Is being a drama queen*



Regina: You’re going to send a wraith after me AND you’re going to go get s’mores?! You…You MONSTER!



Rumpelstiltskin: OOOOOO!
*Don’t ask me what that was, because I have no idea*



Regina: I’m only mildly annoyed at my imminent sort of death! 




Mulan: Why are we still standing here? 



Aurora: What’s going on? Has your bodyguard not hit puberty yet? That’s the worse dude sounding voice ever!



Mulan: *Rolls eyes and shakes hair in the wind* I’d greet you but I’m too busy being better than both of you combined to care.



Aurora: … Oh no you didn’t!



Mulan: I wonder why Philip didn’t bring what we have left of an army to come get his true love.

Aurora: How about we talk about the fact that you’ve been travelling the world with a girl whose helmet hair looks like she stepped out of a Pantene commercial?

*How about we talk about the fact that the CHINESE SOLDIER MULAN speaks perfect English?*

Philip: This is my…other perfect woman! We’ve fought many battles together *Bedroom eyes*



Aurora: WHAT?! Smoochy poo!



Philip: Hm?



Mulan: …. I’m sorry…’other’ perfect woman?!



Mulan: Who saved you from giants when you were screaming like a terrified girl? Who pulled you down when the flying monkeys were making off with you to be their new queen? Who goes into battle to defend you while having awesome hair? Who was that? HM?!



Aurora: I’m guessing the answer isn’t going to be me.



Mulan: Can we GO NOW? I don’t even know why we’re standing around chatting. That soul sucker is going to be back and it’s a real good thing we’re not marked. I obviously have no idea what that means because I so saw you fondling that jewelry and it hasn’t occurred to me yet.



Philip: So…rough second date huh?



Aurora: Hug me!







Philip: Ew.



Aurora: Hugging me now repulses you?!
Philip: No! That isn’t what I meant!



Rumpelstiltskin: I sort of regret the fact that I didn’t put “Wraith Summoning Hill” a little closer to home.



Rumpelstiltskin: *Ahem* Mayday, mayday, mayday, the dark one is in need of a little ‘hands off’ murder. Requesting Waldo the Wraith to assist



Rumpelstiltskin: *Accidently drops* Oh crap, now I gotta start all over.



*Still misspelled*



Rumpelstiltskin: I was hoping the spell check on this thing would kick in eventually!



Rumpelstiltskin: Stupid ultra-heavy pendant! I’ll show you! *Stabs*



Regina: UGH! I’m lying on the same bed that Gold, Mary Margaret, and LEROY of all people got their skin fragments and other possible germs and body fluids on!







Regina: Huh…when did that get put there?



Waldo the Wraith: *Is still half asleep* Mmmf, wha’? Rummie? Is that you? Hey buddy! It’s been a long time!



Rumpelstiltskin: Hey Waldo! How are things?



Waldo the Wraith: Oh you know, Rummie…trying to deal with young people these days.



Waldo the Wraith: I’ll go grab something to eat and we can catch up!



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh no, what happens if he and Archie see each other? *is worried* 



Emma: Alright Ruby, you know the rules.
Ruby: Don’t’ let Henry around sharp knives, ligatures, weapons, cars, keys to cars, blunt instruments or electricity!



Charming: So if we were frozen in time does that mean that your body just had a baby for 28 years?
Snow: Shut up David, everyone made fun of the way I walked for nearly 3 decades and I don’t want to relive those memories.



Emma: Alright, now that we’re holding my not really beloved fiancé’s future stepson from him, I’m sure that he’ll listen to whatever I say.



Snow: I think it’s time that talk about your ungratefulness!
Charming: I was hoping to be having a sandwich and watching the game during this talk.



Emma: Mmoooooom.
Snow: Don’t ‘mom’ me, young lady! I gave up a lot when we threw you in the wardrobe after I popped you out.



Snow: And your dad took out like eight guys with you in one arm and his sword in another! I Mean, who in your little group of foster home kids can claim that?



Emma: None of them…



Snow: See? Just because you spent years thinking you were abandoned on the side of the road and grew up to be abused in foster homes isn’t all that bad, right?  Be happy your real parents are awesome!
Charming: *Facepalm*



Snow: And we missed all the moments together…and then we were besties instead of mother and daughter…



Charming: BESTIES?! WOMAN, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT CAN DO!



Snow: Mary Margaret was manic, we’ll have time to talk about that as well as her crimes she committed while drunk on caffeine later. We’ll be hearing from the CIA, FBI, and animal control soon enough.



Charming: And during our wild throes of love, you promised your bestieship to me!
Snow: We were cursed! I offered bestieship to anyone that would listen!



Emma: Is this argument going to take a while? Because I don’t mind going to solve our current problems by myself while you two straighten out your weird relationship!



Charming: I was David Nolan, my daughter I gave up lost my sword and my daughter and wife are besties while I got ignored for most of the last few episodes of season 1 and nearly got seduced by Regina because of it! This is the worse week ever!
Snow: No, we’re coming; I just want to get this family stuff out of the way before Rumpelstiltskin has the chance to exploit it. You know…your BELOVED FIANCE!



Snow: *Manic giggles*



Snow: Well! Let’s go kill Kathryn!



Emma: I- what?



Emma: *Is completely bewildered*



Charming: Sorry, your mother had a caffeine flask in her coat to try and deal with the whole double identity thing and she slipped a few drinks in while you inexplicably went to go change coats. Let’s just say that now her Mary Margaret personality keeps slipping through and it’s cranked up to eleven.
Snow: David’s next to me and I have a daughter with him to keep him trapped! Mmmmm.



Emma: Well fine Mary Momgret! Answer me this! If you loved me so much then why didn’t you keep me and we would’ve been together?



Snow: …..



Snow: * Condescending Smile*



Snow: You would’ve been a baby forever, there’s no way Regina would’ve let me keep you. And she was looking for you in the fairy tale realm and was pissed when she couldn’t find you. There’s a big chance you might not have even survived the journey here!



*Didn’t think about that*



Emma: Well…you’re smothering me! And until I see 28 years’ worth of birthday cards then I don’t want to talk about our confusing relationship until AFTER I deal with Gold.



Snow: *Is sad*



Snow: I’ll still be your bestie if you don’t want me for your mom!



Emma: Oh Mary Momgret….I don’t think that’s going to happen…



 Snow: So…failing and disappointing people…I know how it feels to be-.
Charming: Me. I know. It stopped being funny when everyone in town started saying it…
Snow: I WAS going to say Emma. 




Mulan: *Wonders if Philip would see her shoot Aurora right there*



Aurora: Oh Philip, we’re so close that we could be Conjoined twins! *Squees*
Philip: *Squees*



Mulan: *Is disappointed*



Aurora: Can we stop? I have saddle sore!
Philip: We’ve only been riding for eight hours!



Mulan: Wimp. When you’re hanging off a cliff with an avalanche with just a rope while holding on to your horse, Eddie Murphy, and a cricket, THEN you can complain of saddle sore!



Philip: Mulan, stop telling that story, I don’t think what you say you did is even physically POSSIBLE!



Mulan: I wish Lancelot hadn’t suddenly decided he was no longer interested in girls for no unexplainable reason whatsoever



Philip: Well this should keep you safe from the predators and rain in the north side of the forest!



Aurora: I was hoping our wedding tent would have more privacy!



Philip: Well Mulan and I had a fight on the way here and agreed to a friendship divorce. We halved everything and that included the tent.



Mulan: It was quite fortunate that we brought two horses.



Philip: Now…I’m going to go do vague things, you two try to stay calm while saying catty things to each other over me, okay?



Aurora: Alright Smooshy Ooshy.



Philip: I love you forever Toochie Gloochie !



*Makes out for what feels like three hours*



Philip: I’m so glad I was able to dump off the 28 years of explanation on MULAN.



Philip: *Cries* I wish I had more screen time!



Rumpelstiltskin:  It took you long enough, honey!
Emma: Yeah, I know it’s suddenly night, but we were REALLY trying not to come in here!



Emma: You left me down in that elevator, made off with my potion, brought a cloud here, and don’t think that I haven’t’ heard about you making out with some new bimbo all over town!



Gold: Hhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Emma! *Checks out* 
*Is adding extra creepiness because it's the premiere*



Snow: Oh stop flirting Rumpelstiltskin, I know it’s your default move when it comes to women but we need to talk about how you nearly let your stepson die!



Charming: AND about how you dated my wife in college!
Emma: *Didn’t want to know that*



Emma: I wanted to come here alone but they followed me. Now about that other woman…



Rumpelstiltskin: Woman, I’m apparently 300 years old. Did you really expect me to be celibate while I waited for our eternal love to develop?



Emma: I don’t love creepy little imps that screw me over at every turn!



Rumpelstiltskin: *Checks himself out*



Rumpelstiltskin: You’re so adorable when you’re angry and feisty and you’re just saying you don’t want all this because you’re scared of the commitment that our stronger than true love eternal would provide.



Emma: Everyone remembering just opened up all sort of dating options and I bet they’re all better than you!
Snow: *Is imitating her daughter’s posture to show their allegiance* Yeah!
Charming: *Is creeped out about Emma and Gold’s relationship* Honey…let’s just…see where this goes.



Rumpelstiltskin:  You should be thanking me, my darling fiancé! If it weren’t for me then you would’ve never reunited with your parents, the curse would’ve never been broken and your son would’ve died!



Rumpelstiltskin: You may thank me however you wish!



Emma: Yeah except for the fact that you had absolutely NOTHING to do with any of that.



Emma: *Is sad*



Rumpelstiltskin: Oooo, are you checking me out?



Emma: UGH! No! No! No!



Rumpelstiltskin: *Knows she’s lying* Oh my darling fiancé, if my new girlfriend and I don’t work out then we can reschedule our own wedding! I’m so glad you’re finally coming around and I didn’t have to divorce myself for absolutely NOTHING!



Emma: Please. Like YOU could handle me if you actually had a chance...



Rumpelstiltskin: *Eyesex*



Rumpelstiltskin: I might be willing to end this engagement…



*Are far more happy about that than anyone in existence*



*Earthquake*
Snow: Either everyone mistook my idea for ‘raise the roof dance off’ to be ‘on the roof dance off’ or you just did something to cause a few more sinkholes over town! Way to go Emma!



Waldo the Wraith: Sorry I was late! I ran into the psychologist and we went out for ice cream and compared stories of being best friends with Rumpelstiltskin…



Charming: I always wanted to fly…



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, as I was saying before I got so rudely interrupted…I’ll be more than willing to call off our engagement…if you let Regina’s internal organs get sucked out of her body to make up for the fact she has no soul!



Charming: Emma! We must trap this thing so that I can jump on it and fly!



Emma: I can’t believe you’re putting me with an impossible situation! My parents are going to make me fight this thing and I’m going to still be engaged to you!



Rumpelstiltskin: Yep and if you don’t then Regina dies and either way…I win.



Emma: *Is a bit in love*



Rumpelstiltskin: Knock them dead my beloved fiancé! Oh how I love saying that!



Rumpelstiltskin: *Is checking her out infinity*



Belle: And who on Earth was SHE?!



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh…no one, just a woman that tricked me into engagement and I’ve had to be with ever since…how long were you standing there?



Belle: Long enough to know that was a lie! They saw me by the way! The goofy guy broke into a silly grin and even waved!



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh that’s also her insane family. I have no idea why they think I’m her fiancé, they all need glasses.



Belle: I can’t believe that you’re expecting me to buy that! Now I know why everyone called me “Emma” and asked if I dyed my hair! You told me that ‘Emma’ was just another word for ‘Belle’!



Rumpelstiltskin: Well for me it is.



Belle: Oh, you just brought on a whole lot of hurt on yourself for that one.



Rumpelstiltskin: What did I say?



Belle: Where is the armory and explosive store?!



Rumpelstiltskin: HA! You’ll never find what you’re looking for! You need a license for that kind of stuff! I knew what I was doing when I launched us into a land without magic and with strict combat laws! I did it just in case you were alive to PREVENT this thing! You can’t even TOUCH that stuff!



Belle: Well maybe not LEGALLY!



Rumpelstiltskin: I hope Emma discharged all that explosives we kept in that sign for national emergencies when Henry wrested the wheel away from her the other night.



Rumpelstiltskin: Oh crap, I just let my true love walk out on me while WALDO is flying around! 




Aurora: I know you, I walked with you once upon a dreeaaaammm. Why didn’t Maleficent ever have a villain song?



Mulan: Ugh, if I have to fight off anymore creatures that her off tune singing brings then I’m going to gut someone
*So, did Mulan put up her hair while they were travelling or did they have to pull over while she got it done?*



Aurora: And now I hear Angelina Jolie’s playing Maleficent! What’s up with that?!



Aurora: Hey Mulan! I’m hungry!



Mulan: Wimp. Haven’t eaten in 28 years and now you’re hungry? You ate yesterday.



Aurora: Where’s Philip? He had graham crackers!



Mulan: You mean he’s not noisily macking with you in his tent?




Mulan: Hey! Where did the horses go!



Aurora: You mean he took the horses and you didn’t see him? He’s was like two feet away!



Mulan: Somehow I’ve decided this is your fault!



Aurora: Our world is a barren dangerous wasteland and my boyfriend takes off with our horses!?



Mulan: Well since I was doing him a favor and he’s about to die, that means I don’t have to take care of you anymore! That’s the only explanation I have to just leaving you here! See you Aurora! If you snivel loud enough then I’m sure whatever else is in these woods will make your passing quick!



Aurora: Wait! I’m going to leave our other supplies to grab my cloak!



Aurora: Where did you go? This is NO TIME for hide and seek!



Aurora: Who knew that someone decked out in armor could be so silent and fast and be gone in just a few seconds!? 



Waldo the Wraith: *Is singing* You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! Think of the happiest thing…it’s the same of getting winnngs!



Regina: Why has it been singing that for five hours? Please! Make it stop!



Waldo the Wraith: I get paid by the hour!You tried to keep true loves apart?! What’s up with that?! Do you know what I’d do to anyone that messed with my true wraith love WANDA?!



Charming: LONG LIVE THE WWE!



Waldo the Wraith: Come on guys! Wanda and I have eight kids and I need this payout!



Snow: This is battery acid, you slime!



Emma: When did Dadvid and Mary Momgret because awesome?



Waldo the Wraith: AWWW! I just bought this tattered robe!



Charming: Thanks for helping Emma! Oh wait, you didn’t do much. Well at least I’ll have someone to sit with in the ‘useless’ section of our public events.



Regina: I LIVE!
Emma: A pillow over your face should solve that…



Regina: It’ll be back and it can’t be killed. Hope you dorks have a plan on averting that!



Charming: Well…
Snow: Here’s the thing….
Emma: I better not get docked for that broken window…



Regina: You guys are planning to help me, right?



Charming: It’s hard for us to really WANT to help you considering we’re standing a couple of feet away from where Graham died because you murdered him.



Regina: Who’s Graham?



Emma: What on earth is Dadvid talking about?
Snow: Oh just ignore him; it’s probably just another person in his head…



Charming: But…he…died after being a glorified sex slave to the character that suddenly wants redemption this season! Are we going to talk about this?



Charming: And then you tried to seduce me with lasagna, lasagna seductress!
Snow: Wait, what’s THIS story?
Emma: The name Graham sounds like someone I SHOULD know….



Regina: Well it’s a good thing you guys are heroes that don’t stoop to murdering people that tried to kill you unless they’re unnamed minions that probably just get paid to do a job!



Emma: Why are you looking at me Dadvid? She tried to kill me last night!
Regina: Oh stop, acting like I've tried to kill all of you in the past! You guys miraculously survived, didn't you? 



Snow: We could keep her alive Emma. I have to admit that I have years of pent up anger that I need to get out and I’ve never beaten up a wraith before.



Emma: I’m NEVER getting out of this engagement.



Emma: Seriously Regina, I would jump worlds if it meant that I didn’t have to deal with either you or Gold.

Emma: So is this Jefferson's old hat he had in the enchanted forest or the one that I made for him?



Regina: *Glare*



Emma: What?



Regina: *Is obviously lying and being devious* Jefferson who?



Emma: *Has an excellent poker face* I was just about to ask you the same question. 



Emma: *Sad sigh* Those were the days…



Regina: Emma, it was like last WEEK!



Emma: It feels like MONTHS!

Snow: Sorry, but Charming wouldn’t let us continue until we swept up some of the mess.

Charming: Littering is wrong!

Snow: We used your transportation Regina; I sure hope that you don’t mind.

Regina: I don’t think I like the insinuation of that statement…



Snow: GOOD! Because after we light this on fire, we MIGHT accidently hit you with the burning part.
Charming: Wait a minute, that’s MY broom!



Emma: What’s up with that secret door?
Regina: Oh I have secret places all over this town. You should see how many times I got into Gold’s house to move things around.



Emma: So…what happens now?
Charming: Ten bucks says Regina can’t even make it spin right.
Snow: DONE! *Does secret handshake*



Snow: WRAITH!
Charming: WRAITH!
Emma: Oh stop it, that’s just the automatic lights turning off for the evening!



Regina: You guys will protect me right?!



Snow: I AM THE STATUE OF LIBERTY!
Charming: I’m a baseball player!
Emma: *‘Accidently’ smacks Regina with the broom.*

Mulan: And while I did get lost following Philip’s terrified screaming and the wraith’s laughing, I can see here that Philip face planted after he ran full force and skidded to a stop!



Aurora: HEY MULAN! AM I GETTING HOTTER OR COLDER?



Mulan: Ugh, she figured out that trail I left for her led her in the same circle around the same three trees.



Aurora: I found our horses.



Mulan: *Draws sword* And now your use to me is over…



Aurora: Oh knock it off! I figured out that you were doing that to annoy me hours ago!



Mulan: Well EXCUUUUUSE me, Princess!



Aurora: You know what, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that you had a THING for him!



Mulan: Oh…um…your dress is dirty!



Aurora: HEY! You DO have a thing for him!



Mulan: We spent 28 years together and Lancelot decided he wasn’t interested in me after I told him about the invisible dragon that follows me around. Having a good guy here is sort of hard to come by.



Aurora: …..



Aurora: You talk to invisible dragons?



Mulan: I WILL cut you!



*Hears Philip screaming*
Waldo the Wraith: Hold still! I can’t absorb your life essence if you’re flailing around!

Waldo the Wraith: Do I have to wear underpants under these robes?



Charming: Listen; if you fly to the top corner and absorb Regina’s soul from there…we couldn’t reach you, just saying….



Snow: Look at that thing! You’re not caffeine, but you’ll have to do!



Snow: Ugh, of course we keep the CRAP kind in town hall. Don’t ask why we have liquor here! *Pours out*



Emma: *Is being useless* So…hurry up.



Charming: I need some backup! Battling a soul sucker by myself over here!



Charming: *Trips and accidently lights barrier on fire* CRAP!



Snow: *Is pretending she’s a baton dancer*



Waldo the Wraith: Why can’t I Just absorb her soul from here or go around to the other side and burst through the wall? 



Philip: Stop! Please! I didn’t want to get involved with anyone! I just wanted to be on par with Charming! I’m sorry! I know the mistake of my ways!



 Mulan: Keep shaking the bushes, he’s still flailing around and it’s HILARIOUS!
Aurora: *Giggles*



Philip: HAUNTED BUSHES!



Mulan: *Is casual* Nope, just us.
Aurora: We’ve agreed that you’ve been playing us against each other and we’re PISSED! Just what do you think you're doing?!



Philip: Der! I’m going to my death and neither one of you were going to know about it until it happened!



Mulan: Stop being a drama queen, you can live! But since the wraith's weakness is fire, it’ll just have to be in a volcano!



Aurora: *Is game*



Mulan: You can’t die, okay? Because if you do then I’m going to kill her!



Waldo the Wraith: HHHHHEEEERRREEEEE’S WALDY!



Aurora: I don’t know why you brought a torch to swing at it if you were going to your death….
Mulan: Look who we’re talking to Aurora, he’s the mac daddy of mixed messages.
Aurora: Pudding pop! Hold me! I’m scared!
Philip: Now’s not a good time!



Philip: I love one of you.
Aurora: It's me, right? It's totally me! 



Philip: I only sort of tolerate the other one….



*Is being soul sucked*



Mulan: NOES! I know that torch is your weakness and I make no attempt to use it but NOOOEES!



Waldo the Wraith: Finally, I didn’t think I’d ever get the indigestion out after I tried to snack Regina’s festering life source!



Mulan: Quick! CPR!
Aurora: I call mouth to mouth!
Mulan: Sure you do Aurora…sure you do.
*That poor little lonely torch*



Emma: *Is considering grabbing Regina and throwing her on the flaming barricade.*



*Is keeping Waldo at bay by making funny faces*



Regina: Stupid hat! *Glares*



*Is working*



Charming: I fell down!



Emma: SO LONG REGGIE! *Grabs Regina in an attempt to pull her into the hat with Waldo*



Emma: None of these crazies anymore! WOO HOO!



Snow: ROADTRIP! *Jumps*



Charming: CATCH ME, SNOW!



*Splats*
*Is there an open barricade to the left? Why couldn’t Waldo have just flown through that?

*Arabianish NIIIIIGGHHHHHTTTTSSSS*




Mulan: I can’t believe you made me lug his carcass here by myself.
Aurora: Well I’m sorry that I wanted to lay his empty shell to rest in a place that backtracked hours from our journey!



Aurora: I’ll miss you Cuddly muffin *Bedroom eyes*



Mulan: Are you SERIOUS?! He’s practically dead! His body is probably going to do rotting things



Aurora: It’s only creepy to still have fantasies when the rigor mortis sets in.



Mulan: ….I miss SHANG!



Mulan: *Is reading* To my main best friend, Rummie, with deepest affection for your wedding day…’Waldo the Wraith’?



Mulan: Here. I’m hoping that you’ll accidently touch it and get marked too.



Charming: It just needs a little bit of duct tape! It’ll be fine!



Charming: *Pets hat* Oh, you’ve been through a lot of trauma, haven’t you?



Regina: Rough day all around, huh?



Charming: This is your fault, Lasagna Seductress!
Regina: I don’t think I like your attitude!



Charming: We’ll see how much you like it when turn you into a human pretzel!



Regina: NOW LOOK HERE!
Charming: *Is scared* Oh, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!



Charming: New wallpaper I take it?



Regina: Yeah Gold told me to set it up in my house but I realized when he giggled that he might’ve had bad intentions and so I had it put here. Now everyone whines that it grabs them.



Regina: *Happy smile!*



Regina: And so like the sympathetic villain I’m trying to be…I’m going to rip out your heart!



Henry: Hey guys…what’s going on?



Regina: Henry?! What on Earth possessed Ruby to bring you to the place that was just full of terrified screaming and fire?



Henry: I threw a stick and Red went to chase it…and when her back was turned I spun around and took off because Rumpelstiltskin said that your soul was about to get ripped out and I should record it for him!
Regina: *Absorbs happiness* Ah, there we go.



Charming: I fell down again!



Henry: How are you not dead yet? I set traps from one end of town to another!



Regina: Henry, you’ve been doing that for ten years! I know all your tricks!



Henry: Oh yeah, how about this one? My granddaddy is my new guardian and if you have a problem with that then you’ll be talking to my lawyer. Which is my stepdad.



Regina: *Is horrified that she got told off by a ten year old*



Henry: Just don’t shake hands with Gold…we wouldn’t want a repeat of today’s showing….



Regina: Oh Henry, don’t be like that! You know I love you!



Henry: Was the show of your affections between you using me to drive my real mom out of town, the emotional and mental neglect, or you trying to hurt my biological family at any given turn?



Regina: Huh, I sort of forgot about that…



Henry: So long sister! Henry Gold will write you once he gets settled in with his granddad!



Charming: Wait, when did anyone ask me about this! I don’t even have anywhere to live! 



Charming: *Exasperated sigh* Let’s go squat at your grandma’s apartment, Henry.
Henry: I can’t wait to live with you; you’re totally going to be a pushover.



Regina: What just happened?
Red: Like, I totally wonder if Rumpelstiltskin will take me back now that Emma’s gone.







Rumpelstiltskin: It’s yellowish…just like Emma’s hair.



Belle: Stupid townspeople. They put all the explosives on Main Street and used it to try and blow the wraith up when he flew over…



Rumpelstiltskin: I thought I locked that door.



Belle: You’d be surprised what a brick can do.



Rumpelstiltskin: Not really, I used it against many a cheating customer.



Belle: So…while that wraith was chasing me down the streets of this town telling me I shouldn’t break your heart…I was thinking that maybe you and I can be friends…of the boy and girl kind.



Rumpelstiltskin: Waldo IS known for being wise...Well I suppose the true love thing would be nice to have around…



Belle: Good because I have nowhere else to live!



Rumpelstiltskin: I have to admit, I can’t say the things I say to you like I do Emma because I’d feel dirty and creep myself out so…this whole flirting thing is going to be new to me…




Belle: Aw! You kept it!



Rumpelstiltskin: You should’ve seen the trail of bodies I left behind every time I misplaced that thing!



Belle: *Is feeling sentimental* Aw, I remember how you terrorized me while I was under your rule…



Rumpelstiltskin: Well, let’s not dwell on the screaming and shaking and kicking you out to get kidnapped by Regina! It’s time for new-ish beginnings!



Rumpelstiltskin: I only kept this thing because I broke all the other ones and no one would buy a random chipped cup but then I decided it’d be a symbol of our love. Also because it would make any potential wives jealous when I thought you were dead.



Belle: That’s SO romantic!



Rumpelstiltskin: *Starts singing ‘A Whole New World’*



Belle: Honey…



Belle: Shut up.



Rumpelstiltskin: Good, I didn’t want to sing Jasmine’s parts too.



Charming: Welcome to our new bachelor pad.
Henry: It’s sort of the bachelorette pad that we’re squatting in and it’s absolutely nothing like the room with the balcony that my dad promised me!



Henry: Oh good, the webcam I installed her for my nefarious purposes is still here.



Henry: Separated from my mom, my grandma and teacher, my beloved stepdad who has a new girlfriend who won’t live to see the end of the year if I have something to do with it, and now I live with the granddad that broke everyone’s heart



Charming: *Is oblivious* It’s going to be great Henry! We’re going to leave our things lying around on the floor, belch the alphabet, yell at people to make us sandwiches while we watch the game…things that real men do. Not all that mamby pamby things that Rumpelstiltskin makes you THINK is cool



Henry: You mean like fighting dragons and murder?



Charming: Wha-? How long have you been thinking about this?




Henry: Since my stepdad said that 'fighting dragons and murder' are manly things to do. 



Charming: Okay, you seriously have to stop calling Rumpelstiltskin your dad or Emma isn’t going to want to come back.



*Henry Glare*



Charming: And neither will my wife. I was hoping to sneak some loving in the supply closet but Gold was in there first and scared the nunchucks out of us! Why am I telling you this?



Aurora: Look at all his hair…his perfect little nose hairs…



Mulan: I suppose us standing around in danger is a perfect time to tell you, we’re all 28 years older…



Mulan: We were frozen in time by an evil witch. You just happened to sleep through it which allows me to be the female Henry of Exposition in our little world.



Mulan: And we spent 28 years trying to get to you and thanks to that, I just lost a guy I cared about in a matter of hours. Way to go.



Aurora: How dull.



Mulan: *Is annoyed* We should probably leave eventually. Standing around yapping didn’t exactly benefit us the last time….



Emma: Crap! No! I didn’t want you following me!
Snow: Besties and/or moms before bros before hos!



Mulan: I think something might be under this cardboard pavilion!



Aurora: This thing is so tacky! I’ve seen better displays at the dollar store!



Mulan: Somehow I’ve decided that it’s their fault too!



Emma: Let go of my awesome jacket!
Snow: Not until you use this broom to clean up your mess young lady!

The End

Support WAnda the Wraith and their now eight fatherless children.

Owns Nothing.